Latest / The Living Freed Podcast / Interview with Caitlin Phillips

Transcript

Interview with Caitlin Phillips · The Living Freed Podcast

0:19
Hey, everyone. Thank you so much for tuning in
0:21
to the Living Freed podcast. Today, I have my
0:24
sweet friend, Caitlin, with me. I know Caitlin
0:27
since, gosh, I think I was 20. Freshly 20. Yeah.
0:31
Because I took you out for your 21st birthday.
0:33
Which was so real of you. That was honestly so
0:35
real of me. Yes. And I was 26. I'm like, wait
0:42
a minute. How old was I? Isn't that crazy? Yeah,
0:44
it is kind of wild. Time has flown by. It does
0:47
that. Yeah. It's wild. And we worked together
0:50
at the salon. And you kind of just became like
0:53
an older sister mentor for a while. And we lived
0:56
together. and we lived together and we drove
0:58
together sometimes yeah you had a big impact
1:00
but honestly you're still one of the best roommates
1:03
i think i've ever had thank you you're welcome
1:06
i was honestly so surprised that we we uh i don't
1:10
think we ever got in fights really no not really
1:13
little tiffs with cooper Cooper definitely ignited
1:17
a couple tiffs. I don't think we started on that
1:20
dog. Between Cooper and my ex, that was the only
1:22
time we ever had a tiff. Other than that, we
1:24
were good. Well, I mean, your ex, that was more
1:26
so towards him, not you. Yeah. I was just fiercely
1:29
protected. I did one episode on boundaries, and
1:33
I was like, I'll never forget. My roommate, Caitlin,
1:35
looked at me, and she was like, you really need
1:36
to learn to get boundaries. started a whole rabbit
1:40
hole remember that time i did to be fair fam
1:42
i'm a lot more gentle today i was in my 20s freshly
1:46
out of a very um emotionally toxic relationship
1:50
so when i noticed their relationship i was like
1:53
it was it was like i was getting flashbacks or
1:56
flashbacks so i was totally projecting and i
2:01
was just feeling for my girl i was like this
2:02
is not healthy i know this isn't healthy because
2:04
i just went through And then sometimes you just
2:06
got to realize it's like, okay, people are going
2:08
to learn. You can put your input in, but then
2:10
you just have to like kind of sit back and let
2:12
people make their own mistakes because they will
2:13
do that. No, that's. And it's okay. It's a part
2:15
of growth. No, really. That's how character is
2:18
developed. That's what I've been telling my younger
2:20
girls in Wilmington. I'm like, I'm going to let
2:22
you make your mistakes. It's really, it's right
2:24
now. It's not that big of a deal. This is not
2:26
life or death. Now I will not. I try not to give
2:29
my opinion unless I am asked what I think about
2:31
certain things. And I'm like, all right, you
2:33
want to know? You're going to get honesty. Yeah.
2:35
It ain't going to be cute sometimes. Because
2:38
your girl real. That's what I had to learn. I
2:40
was telling my roommate, she's like, you don't
2:41
really give me your opinion unless I ask. I'm
2:43
like, there's a reason. There's a reason for
2:45
that. Okay. Yeah. Especially if you have your
2:47
sister. Because I may hurt your feelings in love.
2:50
Oh, I'm definitely going to hurt your feelings.
2:51
Yeah. In love. Yeah. I can't help it. I'm sorry.
2:55
Because I'm so protective. Yeah. Okay. So we
2:58
do this part that's called what's in and what's
3:00
out. So you're going to say something that you're
3:01
in. to at the moment and something that you're
3:03
trying to get out of or kick out of. So for me,
3:05
like what's in is the holiday season. I'm very
3:09
excited to just take on all the holiday -esque
3:12
and I'm going to go get a Christmas tree this
3:14
week. Love that. A live one because of you also.
3:19
Yes. Live Christmas trees all day. Okay. What's
3:24
in for me? I really have been. I am in my 30s.
3:28
It's a good time. Crazy things happen with your
3:30
hormones and your body. And so I really have
3:34
been trying to tackle the area of my sleep quality.
3:38
So vitamins. I literally just purchased a new
3:41
mattress. It is amazing. And blackout curtains.
3:44
And then what is out? But is it really out? Because
3:47
it is a struggle. I am trying to... Cut my caffeine
3:52
intake, which has been the hardest. They're like,
3:56
oh, you shouldn't have caffeine for the first
3:57
two hours of your morning. Felicia, I hear that,
4:01
but that is, I can maybe do 30 minutes. Yeah,
4:05
I was going to say, that's like false, honestly.
4:07
It's a challenge. It's become part of my morning
4:10
routine, especially with the espresso maker,
4:12
which I think what kick -started my caffeine
4:15
addiction, which is was. What is also out for
4:17
me, because I wake up, I go to the gym, I come
4:19
home, I start my latte, I pull out my Bible,
4:22
and it's like a slow, sweet morning. Yeah, we
4:25
love a slow morning. And then I go to work. Yeah.
4:28
And we don't have anything slow at work. We're
4:31
both hairstylists, fam. So, it's you hit the
4:34
floor running when you're at the salon. Yeah,
4:36
very much so. Okay, let's get into the actual
4:38
episode. I did want to put out a couple warnings
4:48
about this episode. One is I'm recording on some
4:52
new equipment, so I don't know how I love it.
4:56
And I'm not really sure how this sounds coming
4:58
across. In fact, I am sure. I wasn't really loving
5:01
how the sound was coming across. Please bear
5:03
with me if you decide to listen to this episode.
5:06
Secondly, there is a sweet, beautiful puppy in
5:09
the background that does cry occasionally, so
5:11
you might hear some unusual noises coming from
5:15
her. Um, yeah, that's it. That's all I have for
5:19
that. And thirdly, I did want to put a trigger
5:22
warning. We do talk about depression and suicidal
5:26
thoughts and planning briefly in this episode,
5:29
and that could be triggering for some. And if
5:31
it is for you, I suggest skipping this episode.
5:35
All right, well, let's dive in. Um, okay. Could
5:42
you give us a brief overview of your story, like
5:45
your life? Oh, man. And how you came to know
5:47
Jesus and just what that's like for you. Oh,
5:49
I don't know how brief this could be. Okay, let's
5:52
do this. How old were you when you came to know
5:54
Jesus? I was a teenager. I was 15, 16 years old.
6:00
So it was my freshman year of high school. And
6:05
I was really doubting God's existence. I was
6:08
having a hard time. We had moved. Little backstory.
6:12
So I'm from Savannah, Georgia. And our family
6:14
had moved to Tampa, Florida, my seventh grade
6:17
year. And Florida was just rough. OK, your girl
6:21
Savannah's got like one hundred thirty thousand
6:23
people. Small city operates like a small town.
6:26
Everybody knows everybody or knows someone that,
6:29
you know, and very interconnected. My whole entire
6:33
family was there, born and raised there. And
6:35
so we moved to Tampa and Tampa just felt like
6:37
you just kind of get lost in the crowd. And I
6:40
definitely. I don't know. It was just really
6:43
lonely. It was hard anyway. So, but that had
6:48
kind of stopped. Um, she was my great grandmother.
6:50
So her driving got a little rough, but she, she
6:54
ran her car into the church. Um, bless her. Iconic
7:02
of her kind of iconic of her. Yeah. The church
7:05
was fine. Her car was, um, okay. but grandma
7:10
stopped driving so as she should as she should
7:13
but she did not stop going to church but she
7:15
couldn't pick us up anymore and so i um quit
7:20
going to church for like four years and then
7:23
all throughout middle school and i had friends
7:26
from who had very many varying beliefs and by
7:29
freshman year i was like full -on doubting god's
7:31
existence i was like god's not real is he real
7:34
i don't really know and at the same time i was
7:37
very like depressed very, which now I can look
7:42
back on this season of life and I'm like, yeah,
7:43
this was a little bit spiritual warfare, I think.
7:45
But I was having suicidal thoughts every day
7:49
and had major moments where I, you know, I was
7:53
just having like these clear thoughts of like
7:55
planned out, like how I would execute. And you
7:58
were how old? I was 14. Okay. You were a baby.
8:02
Yeah, I was a baby. I was 14, 15 years old. So
8:05
my freshman year, we moved to a different part
8:07
of Tampa. Tampa's a huge city. And I ended up
8:10
going to a different high school. So the friends
8:12
I did work so hard to make, we were now like
8:15
separated. And so I really was alone a second
8:17
go round. That's so hard. And it was that combined
8:21
with there's some deep like family wounds and
8:24
family trauma with our family. I had seen things
8:28
go down with my older sister and my mom and just
8:31
emotions that I felt very responsible for the
8:34
emotions in my family. So I just felt like I
8:37
was in between this rock and a hard place where
8:39
I had to choose between my mom and dad because
8:41
I hated Florida. But I loved my mom. I didn't
8:44
necessarily want to leave my mom. But I knew
8:47
if I stayed in Florida, things weren't going
8:49
to, it wasn't going to be pretty. And I just
8:54
felt like I had to, I don't know, it just felt
8:56
like this huge weight, as things do when you're
8:58
that age, felt like this huge weight and responsibility
9:01
on my shoulders that I couldn't escape and I
9:06
couldn't get out of. And I think this plaguing
9:08
thought just kept entering my head like, well,
9:10
what if I just wasn't here? What if I wasn't
9:12
a part of the equation anymore? Which is so dark,
9:16
you know? So I remember me and a friend made
9:19
plans one day. And I was going to spend the night
9:22
with her. And so this is one of the friends I
9:24
had made and I had moved to North Tampa. And
9:26
so we were like 35 minutes apart and we had made
9:28
plans that I was going to spend the night and
9:31
we were going to go see movies the next day on
9:32
Sunday. And she goes, well, here's the thing.
9:35
My mom's been going to this church. We should
9:36
go. And I was like, oh yeah, that's fine. I haven't
9:38
been to church in like four or five years. I
9:40
was like, let's, let's rock and roll. Um, I was
9:44
like, cool. And so at this time I was like doubting
9:47
with depression. Doubting with suicidal thoughts
9:49
and like seriously doubting God's existence.
9:52
I was like, is he even there? Is he real? And
9:55
so I feel like my little soul was like in like
9:58
agony. I just want to say you have always been
10:00
such a deep thinker. Like even at 14, I don't
10:04
know. At that 14, I was sitting here like trying
10:06
to figure out if God was real or not. I kind
10:08
of was like, no, he's real. But you're over here
10:09
like feeling it in your soul. No, I was so wrestling
10:13
with God's existence. I was like, I don't, I
10:16
don't know. yeah honestly yeah I've always been
10:20
I was always a little deep reader though too
10:23
like even when I was a little girl I was like
10:25
reading books like two sizes too big for me did
10:29
you sorry to like get off topic just a little
10:32
bit did you ever ever feel guilty for doubt questioning
10:34
his existence when you were that age no no okay
10:37
no I knew of Jesus obviously because of my great
10:41
great grandmother's influence but I didn't um
10:44
like he wasn't lord over my life I didn't, I
10:47
wasn't like a, I wouldn't have called myself
10:49
a Christian. Yeah. This time. Okay. Um, so no,
10:53
so that guilt and shame didn't really, um, hit.
10:57
So yeah, so we go to church and the whole sermon
11:02
that morning was about doubt and doubt in God.
11:08
And I can't tell you everything. I don't remember
11:11
everything. But it was like the moment in my
11:14
life. I actually have a tattoo on my inner arm.
11:17
Kind of reflecting back to this moment. But I
11:19
call it my Moses moment, like the burning bush
11:22
moment with the Lord. And I always tell people,
11:24
I'm like, it was the fear of the Lord that drew
11:26
me in. Because I felt alone, stripped, naked,
11:33
like bare, like my soul made bare before the
11:36
Lord in that church that day. And I just felt
11:38
like the Lord was saying, I am. wow like a very
11:41
present like i am again like such a deep feeling
11:45
of thought for a 14 year old no yeah well and
11:48
that was like you know that was real that was
11:50
the holy spirit i mean yeah i felt fear like
11:53
i felt a reverent just kind of like holy fear
11:57
i was like okay all right so then my mind is
12:01
like racing the rest of the day i don't even
12:03
remember what movie we saw let me even tell you
12:06
And because it's all I could think about. It
12:08
was all I could think about even throughout the
12:10
movie. And I was like, I think I just had an
12:12
encounter with God. Wow. And I remember getting
12:14
in the car and I like was spouting it off to
12:17
my mom. And I was like, Mom, this whole crazy
12:18
thing just happened. Let me tell you all about
12:20
it. So now this wasn't like an overnight thing.
12:23
Like I definitely was still wrestling. And but
12:26
it was just like God was very much like making
12:28
his presence known to me. And I was like, OK,
12:31
you're here. But let me set this aside. in my
12:35
mind because I didn't know how to grapple with
12:37
that that's so fair though yeah I was like I
12:41
I still have decisions to make I don't know how
12:43
to grapple with this over here okay this is like
12:46
a I don't know so I definitely like I attempted
12:48
to like set it on the shelf and be like okay
12:51
we're gonna we're gonna visit this later um what's
12:54
that email thing where people are like we're
12:56
gonna like loop back to that yeah I was like
12:59
we'll wrap around rounds we'll come back to that
13:02
so weeks go by obviously i'm still wrestling
13:05
a lot and then there was one night in particular
13:08
my thoughts just got so bad and i was sitting
13:10
on my dresser the vivid still so vivid in my
13:13
mind and i was sitting on my dresser in in in
13:17
my room y 'all i didn't know christian radio
13:20
was a thing didn't know that that even existed
13:22
okay I knew, like, my great -grandmother used
13:25
to put on, like, old hymns in her car, but I
13:27
honestly thought it was, like, a tape or something
13:29
like that. I didn't actually know it was radio.
13:32
So this is the same time when Mercy Me's, I can
13:37
only imagine. That was such a good one. Was playing,
13:41
but it played on all radio platforms. And. I
13:46
had my radio on and I was sitting on my dresser
13:49
and I just was like crying. And I had this clear
13:52
vision enter my mind of like, okay, like it was
13:56
almost like me going in the road and like getting
13:58
ran over by a car situation. Like just all these
14:02
scenarios, like how, how, how would I kill myself?
14:04
How would I do it? I think it was just a really
14:07
bad week, really rough week. And the song by
14:11
Mercy Me came on. I can only imagine in the middle
14:14
of my thoughts. And I, I just lost it. I started
14:19
weeping like a baby. And this is I would say
14:25
some people have their moments at the altar with
14:28
the Lord in church. This was my my moment with
14:31
the Lord in my bedroom. And I feel like the Lord
14:33
just like I don't know how to describe it. Like
14:35
he just met me in my bedroom. And I just felt
14:38
held by him. And I just started talking to God.
14:40
Yeah. And I was like, I'm so sorry. Like, I know
14:43
you're there. I had this like crack in me that
14:46
just happened that I was like, are you like,
14:49
you're not this girl. Like, you don't want to
14:52
take your life. And, and I just remember like,
14:55
I'm going to cry talking about this. Like, I
14:57
just remember like, you know, having this visceral,
15:01
like, man, how far have I come? Yeah. You know,
15:05
and I remember just like talking with God and
15:07
I was like, I'm sorry. Like, I know you're there.
15:09
I know you're real. And I was like, I need you.
15:13
Like, I just think it was a moment where my soul
15:15
was just like crying out to the Lord. I couldn't
15:17
tell you. I stayed up until like 2 a .m. that
15:20
night talking with God and just like pouring
15:24
out my heart to him. And I had to be up for school
15:27
at like 6 .30 the next day. So I think I got
15:30
like four hours of sleep. But I had so much peace.
15:34
When I went to bed that night and I knew two
15:36
things. I knew A, that I was for sure moving.
15:40
And then I had to break the news to my mom. And
15:42
B, I told the Lord that night, I was like, I'm
15:45
going to get involved in the church. Yeah. Like
15:48
those two decisions were very clearly made for
15:51
me in that moment with the Lord that night. That's
15:53
so good though. Yeah. Yeah. It was like a, it
15:56
was very much a. things so then you know going
15:59
through the weeks of you know every all the follow
16:00
-up with that i like wrote my mom this long letter
16:03
because listen if my emotions are involved i
16:06
can't really your girl cries okay It's true.
16:09
Actually, I was telling my other roommate, I
16:11
was like, I used to never cry. And then I went
16:13
to therapy and I became a waterwork. And then
16:15
I moved in with you. And I was telling you, I
16:17
was like, I would live with Caitlin. Caitlin
16:18
was crying all the time. And it made it so normal
16:21
for me where now I cry. Like my roommate, she's
16:23
like, you just cry a lot. Like we're watching
16:25
a movie, but I'm crying. Like I'm talking about
16:27
God and I start to cry. Like, yeah, I can't talk
16:30
about Jesus and not weep. Yeah. Because the Lord
16:33
has been so good to me. Like I can't, I know
16:36
what darkness is like. So I can't, I just envision
16:41
like where my life would be today without him
16:43
and I get emotional. Yeah. You can ask Hannah,
16:47
I literally have tears welling up my eyes right
16:49
now. I cannot, I'm just grateful. And I would
16:56
just say throughout the following year, like
16:59
my sophomore year, I wrote a letter to my mom,
17:02
tell my dad, I end up moving over that summer.
17:07
And I just kept talking to God. Like, you know,
17:09
some people really say they kind of struggle
17:11
in prayer or all of these things. I'm really
17:15
grateful because that's that's not my story.
17:18
I would say prayer was such a strong foundation,
17:23
but really it wasn't even like prayer. I think
17:25
people get in their heads about prayer. They
17:27
do. You know, in general, when it's like I literally
17:30
talk to God like I was like I'd be talking to
17:32
you. I talk to him all day long. Yeah. I like
17:34
I would get in bed at night and I and I would
17:37
just unload the day. Yeah. And I just unload
17:39
the day to the Lord and be like, hmm. And I would
17:42
just I was curious, like I would just take my
17:44
questions to him. And I swear, y 'all, like throughout
17:47
the entire year, like I would pray something.
17:49
I'd be like, Lord, this is so like different
17:52
for me. Like, you know, what do you mean by this
17:54
or something? And then someone the next day would
17:56
would like. We'd get on a conversation that was
17:59
talking about that. And, like, something would
18:01
be confirmed for me. Or I remember my high school
18:07
cheer coach, like, walked us through this devotion.
18:13
And it brought up the concept of praying for
18:15
your future husband. And I was like, people do
18:17
that? That's a thing? Yeah. I was like, what
18:20
is that? And so I was like, and I was dating
18:23
this football player at our high school. And
18:27
I was like, well, God, I was like. is this homie
18:29
my husband and two days later we broke up that's
18:33
not what is that it's like no one ever passed
18:35
the test if they're not for me like take them
18:37
out of my life with the boyfriends like you pray
18:41
that and god's like oh you want them out like
18:43
the door's closed babe oh you want to know it's
18:46
like oh god um if this is love you please just
18:49
make that clear listen fam he will he will he
18:52
so will be mindful what you ask okay because
18:54
god be answering Now, was this in Savannah? This
18:57
was in Savannah. Okay. Yeah, so I'm now officially
19:00
moved back to Savannah. Yeah, and I just kept
19:03
asking questions. I ended up going to a private
19:06
school. Savannah Chatham County Public Schools
19:09
are not necessarily the greatest. So I ended
19:12
up going to a private Bible school, and that's
19:15
where I actually got involved in a youth as well.
19:18
And I just asked a lot of questions, and I cried.
19:22
Cried a lot. I remember one of my... mentors
19:25
in the youth was like you cry every week and
19:27
i was like yeah dog because this this is real
19:29
this is real i know some of these kids have grown
19:31
up in this their whole life that's great um your
19:34
girl has not okay this is real i was like super
19:36
sensitive to the gospel and to the spirit now
19:39
mind you well we don't really need it and all
19:42
that i was still a feisty little thing okay sanctification
19:46
was still very much happening you still are who
19:50
you are still very much am who i am yeah yeah
19:53
Same. Of course. So. I'm like the perfect stay
19:58
at home. No. As soon as you come to know Jesus.
20:02
It's like, no, your personality is still your
20:04
personality. Oh, yeah. You're fiery. You're still
20:05
fiery. If you're still like if you're quiet,
20:07
you're probably still going to be a pretty quiet
20:09
person. And it's interesting, too, because I
20:12
think who you are as a child. This is something
20:15
I feel like I've just really been reflecting
20:17
on in my 30s. Like, I feel like when the Lord
20:20
is bringing us to freedom, it's almost like this.
20:23
revisitation back to childhood and who God has
20:25
formed you to be before the world has gotten
20:27
its claws in you and has been like, no, this
20:30
is what you should do or this is who you should
20:31
be. And even when I was a little girl, I like
20:35
wanted to be this like warrior princess. Yeah.
20:37
Like I see that. I wanted the frilly frou -frou
20:40
dress and the twirly dress, but I wanted a sword
20:42
as well in my hand. And so I feel like that fits.
20:46
I just got chills because I have the vision of
20:48
like that's kind of who God calls us to be. word
20:52
okay let's talk about it no really though that's
20:56
yeah you just gave me like you said it and that
20:57
was the vision of like no that's who he calls
21:00
us to be yeah for sure women in the lord like
21:02
we are not called you're not called to be doormats
21:04
ladies um i'm just gonna say that no yeah um
21:08
yeah there is we are co -heirs yeah we are like
21:12
we hold the sword you we should hold the sword
21:16
yeah And I would argue that women actually have
21:18
more proclivity, you know, even in the differences
21:21
between men and women. Women have conversations.
21:23
Yeah. You can talk all day. We want to hang out.
21:25
We go to a coffee shop and we'll, you know, or
21:28
brunch or whatever. And we'll talk to each other
21:30
for four hours straight. Men need something to
21:33
do. They're more like shoulder to shoulder. And
21:35
they're like, hey, let's go play basketball.
21:37
Hey, let's go do this, you know, sport. Hey,
21:40
let's go watch sports. Like they're always more
21:43
shoulder to shoulder. The only time men get –
21:45
put a fire in front of them. Yeah. Put a fire
21:47
in front of them and then men will slow down.
21:49
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe a cigar. Right. And then
21:52
they're ready to talk. And then they're ready
21:53
to talk. But other than that, it's like a concoction.
21:56
Whereas women, like, we will – come on. Let's
21:58
deep dive. I don't know about you because I,
22:00
too, being a girl, like, I'm the person my guy
22:02
friends call to just chat with. Yeah. Do you
22:05
not – I don't enjoy it. So, like, do you not
22:07
have another boy to call? Because I don't want
22:11
to be having this. I'd rather be talking to somebody
22:14
else, honestly, right now. Yeah. It's like this
22:16
mindfulness, too, of like. You're like, no, I
22:18
can only talk to a girl about this. I'm like,
22:20
no, you should go ask a brother in Christ about
22:22
this. Or maybe even an older man. Yeah. You know,
22:25
that would be an encouragement. I think I would
22:26
give is be like, maybe you should find an older
22:28
man who can pour some wisdom into you. Yeah.
22:31
I think that's hugely important for women as
22:33
well. Yes. Not just men, but men and women. I
22:35
think it is wisdom. If you if wisdom is what
22:38
you seek. Then you must find someone who has
22:41
wisdom to give. And obviously someone that you
22:44
trust or admire. Or, you know, admire their character
22:47
or their growth or their development. Because
22:48
that is the only way that I think. Really, you
22:50
have to be willing to learn. And you have to
22:52
be willing to be corrected. And you have to be
22:54
willing to ask. Yeah. To ask for it. So, you
23:00
become a Christian. Yep. You move to Savannah.
23:03
Now you're living in Raleigh, North Kakalaki.
23:05
The Raleigh, North Kakalaki. Which. I never thought
23:09
you were going to live here this long. Very unplanned.
23:11
I know I'm still here. So what does your walk
23:14
with Jesus look like now? And what are you learning?
23:17
Yeah, now it's, so it's been, I'll be 34 in February.
23:23
So it's been almost 20 years. Cheers to that.
23:26
With the Lord. Which is wild to think about.
23:30
It's so cool though. Yeah, it is. It's really
23:33
cool. Right now, currently. I feel like, you
23:38
know, I definitely went through my deep dives
23:40
with the Lord, like, you know, prayer, prayer,
23:42
talking, talking, talking, talking, talking all
23:44
the time. And then in my 20s, for sure, I like
23:49
really deep. I've never been one to like sit
23:51
down and just accept things there. I have been
23:54
involved in some churches where like things happened
23:57
with leadership. And so trust is not easily given
24:00
for me. And I don't think it should be. No. Honestly,
24:06
no way. I think it's important to weigh the character
24:09
of who you may be. Whose headship are you submitting
24:14
yourself to, you know, in the body and in the
24:17
church? And that's not to say you're expecting
24:19
perfection out of someone, but it's like, does
24:21
this man, does your headship, does the leadership
24:24
within your church have, is there character,
24:26
is there integrity, is there accountability?
24:31
you know look at the brothers that are surrounding
24:33
like who are the elders who are the you know
24:36
deacons and deaconesses you know and all this
24:38
stuff and it's like do i trust these people you
24:41
know could i sit down and actually have a conversation
24:43
with each and every one of these individuals
24:44
and and trust um trust them yeah and trust what
24:49
they would have to say and i think that's important
24:52
i think a lot of believers need to need to weigh
24:55
in on that a little bit more um but i would say
24:59
We did get a little sidetracked. Sidetracked.
25:01
So what are you learning now in your faith? So
25:04
what I'm learning now, I feel like, you know,
25:06
right. So in my 20s, definitely went very heady,
25:09
very like theologically heavy, all that stuff,
25:12
which is also important. Bible study is actually
25:16
important. Like the historical context, what's
25:17
going on in the background. I'm teaching that
25:19
to my girls in our Wednesday night right now.
25:21
Who's reading, you know, who's writing the letter,
25:24
where are they at, what's happening. What's going
25:28
on with that church at the time? You know, all
25:30
of these things are so important. But I feel
25:33
like to the older I'm getting, I mean, really
25:36
just taking things back to the simple gospel.
25:40
Because now I am, I would say my relationship
25:43
with the Lord is almost like calming down in
25:46
a way where I'm not really coming to him to ask
25:50
for a lot. It's a lot of thankfulness. There
25:53
are some tears. But there are times where it's
25:56
like I'm just crying and I'm like, Jesus, you
25:59
know my heart. Yeah. You know, it's just like
26:01
this like resurrendering. I would say the words
26:04
have gotten less actually. Yeah. Like it's just
26:07
like this moment of connection with the Lord
26:08
where I'm like, okay, I'm here. I feel that.
26:12
And I need you to be here. I've gotten more silent.
26:14
Yes. And not that I'm giving him the silent treatment
26:17
at all. It's like I'm silent in his presence.
26:21
It's just expectations. Like we do talk so much.
26:23
And it's like this expectation like, okay, Lord,
26:25
I want to hear you. I want to know your heart.
26:28
And I think for me the biggest challenge this
26:31
year has been learning to be loved by God. And
26:35
just freely loved by God. You know, without this
26:38
like rushing around like a chicken with my head
26:40
cut off. Like do, do, do, doing. Which I feel
26:43
like. Women can kind of fall into that. For sure.
26:47
Category a lot. All of us. We can be little busy
26:50
bees. So I've been practicing silence and stillness.
26:55
And that has been, I have ADHD. I used to have
26:57
background music on all the time. Like, sitting
27:01
in silence was very difficult for me. But the
27:03
past, like, two years, I think, I really have
27:06
been. And maybe it was, like, with our job, too,
27:09
and coming out of things. I feel like the Lord's
27:12
really been healing me. In a lot of different
27:14
areas. As far as. I have realized. The past couple
27:16
years. How much I was operating. In survival
27:18
mode. All across the board. Not just spiritually.
27:22
But like. Physically. Emotionally. Like. Just
27:25
operating. In survival mode. And. He's been breaking
27:30
that down. And that's been very painful. Yeah.
27:33
I'm not saying that's like. Easy. Well because
27:35
you've changed your brain. To process. And be
27:37
in a certain state of mind. Like. That neural
27:39
pathway. Is so strong. Yeah. When you're rewriting
27:42
that. It is painful. It's painful. Yeah. And
27:45
all of that to say, too, I want to say, like,
27:47
this is not, you know, some of these people get
27:49
on here and be like, sit on this padded pillow
27:51
and meditate. Not us. And quiet your mind. Yeah,
27:55
that doesn't work for me, homie. Like, I'm still
28:00
very much ADHD. And I'm like, okay, me practicing
28:03
silence is like, okay, I'm going to go walk the
28:06
dog around this lake and not bring any music
28:09
with me. Not bring my phone with me, you know,
28:12
or maybe if I am bringing my phone with me, I've
28:15
also been like listening to the word of God.
28:17
Yeah. Like with audio little plug here for the
28:20
ESV Bible app, it's like $4 a month and you can
28:24
like listen to like 15 different people do the
28:27
audio Bible. I would 10 out of 10 recommend that.
28:30
Um, but so sometimes I've been doing that and,
28:34
or just like walking in silence with the Lord.
28:38
sometimes that may lead to us like sitting on
28:40
a bench yeah and um i feel like just like inviting
28:45
him in to those moments of just silence with
28:49
the lord and whatever comes up from that is sometimes
28:52
really beautiful and good and then sometimes
28:54
it's like a song like i'll just start humming
28:57
you know or i think it's you know when you're
29:00
an early believer Things can kind of be about
29:03
this performance of, and you may not even realize
29:06
you're doing it, but you're like, all right,
29:07
cast off the old, put on the new, you know? And
29:10
then depending on where you find yourself, who
29:12
you find yourself surrounded by, you know, as
29:14
a new believer, things can become performance
29:16
-based, you know, even if you're not meaning
29:18
them to. And I feel like the Lord is just walking
29:22
his children deeper and deeper into freedom.
29:24
There is such a freedom that comes with the Lord
29:27
over time, as in any other relationship, you
29:29
know, as we are loved. And as I am loved, I'm
29:34
like, oh, I don't have to perform or say things
29:39
a certain right way for you to love me. You just
29:42
love me. I was having dinner with this girl,
29:45
Haley, who's 20. And she is struggling with singleness.
29:49
And she's like, you're single and 28. And she's
29:52
like, I feel bad for you. And I was like, well,
29:53
don't. But thanks for the pity. I don't really
29:57
know. But she's like, do you ever get? angry
30:00
with God and I was like not directly at him do
30:02
I get upset about the situation and she's like
30:05
well how do you handle that I was like oh I tell
30:06
him like I have no shame in telling God that
30:09
even in bed the other night I was like actually
30:11
God I am mad like I am mad about a number of
30:15
things and I'm going to list them out for you
30:17
because at this point I have no reason not to
30:20
like you already know he already knows so why
30:23
am I going to hide it full sin fam and I'm not
30:26
embarrassed this is so therapeutic I used to
30:28
go on drives And, I mean, cry angry fat tears
30:31
and beat my steering wheel and talk to God all
30:34
at the same time. And I tell people all the time,
30:36
I'm like, listen, God is a big God. Yes. He knows
30:39
you. Yes. He knows you, okay? Don't hide from
30:44
that. Don't hide from your emotions. Just take
30:46
them to him. That is actually the beauty of Job.
30:48
You know, people, I think about this a lot with
30:51
Job. Like, it wasn't that Job, Job did complain.
30:57
About what he was going through. Yeah. But he
31:00
never complained to his friends. No. He brought
31:03
all of his complaints, all of his wonderings,
31:05
all of his curiosities to the Lord. Directly.
31:08
Directly to the Lord. And God blessed him in
31:11
that. And Job never got an answer why. No, he
31:13
never did. But there was this beauty in the sense
31:15
that Job never shamed God in front of his friends
31:18
or his wife. He never left him. But he did wrestle.
31:22
Yeah. There's beauty in the way that Job wrestled.
31:26
with his emotions and through his emotions yeah
31:29
which god very humbly humbles him yeah um once
31:33
again once again as if the main couldn't have
31:35
been humbled enough in that situation god's like
31:38
where were you when i created the earth yeah
31:40
we've been going joe's like oh my bad we've been
31:45
going through job on sunday nights and every
31:47
time we read it caitlin's like it's just getting
31:49
worse yeah i'm like yeah she's like and his friends
31:51
are getting meaner And I'm like, yeah. And she's
31:54
like, and now he's saying this to God. He had
31:56
the balls to say it to God. Yeah. Yeah, he did.
31:58
But I respect that. But did you see how God responded?
32:02
Oh, I told her. I said, the two hardest books,
32:05
in my opinion, is Job and Revelation. And you
32:07
chose Job. Like, just know we're not entering.
32:10
And she's never read the Bible. by herself before.
32:12
I was like, so don't ever ask me to read Revelation
32:14
with you. I'm not. She doesn't need to read it
32:16
though. Everyone needs to read Revelation. You
32:18
should read the book by some point. But you should.
32:21
Right now, as a second book, she'd complete.
32:23
No, thank you. No, no, no. Maybe start with the
32:24
Gospels. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Job, he. Yeah. So
32:29
it's like, there's this beauty there, like the
32:30
Lord. That's what the Lord's after. You know,
32:33
he's not after. It's not. It was never about
32:36
Job's doing. No. Job was righteous before the
32:39
Lord. It was never about like. what he could
32:41
do or you know what he did could this have been
32:44
wrong no he loved the lord you know and that
32:48
shows up but it shows up too in his crying out
32:51
to the lord we see this again with david too
32:53
where it's like david always returned to the
32:56
lord yeah david went off some very varying past
33:00
david was messy okay yeah a real human man okay
33:04
real human man got a little too prideful and
33:08
definitely Took a little tumble down a cliff.
33:11
Okay. He was brought to accountability. And David
33:13
cried out to God. He's like, against you and
33:15
you alone have I sinned. Yeah. Not these other
33:17
people. Not. Oh, just murdered this man. Sex
33:21
assaulted this woman. Right. You and you alone
33:24
have I sinned, Lord. And, you know, he just,
33:27
he always returned back to God. He always worshiped
33:30
back to God. So I just feel like there's this,
33:32
you can grieve. You can be angry. And you can.
33:37
Bear down on your steering wheel. Maybe go to
33:39
a break room, you know? Yeah. Throw in some worship
33:42
music and go to a break room. That might be better
33:45
than therapy. That might be better than therapy,
33:47
fam. Yeah. Anger is okay. God even said, he's
33:52
like, be angry, but do not sin. Yeah. And I think
33:55
this is part of it. It's like, okay, you know
33:57
you're angry about something. Like, take it to
33:59
the Lord. And I think all of our Christian walk
34:03
is really just like this resurrendering. And
34:06
entrusting ourselves to the Lord. Like it's,
34:08
am I taking everything to him? Am I entrusting
34:13
myself to him? You know, now I feel like my prayers,
34:15
even they're so simple. It's like a situation
34:18
will pop up and I'm like, all right, Lord, I
34:21
entrust myself to you. That's it. That's the
34:24
prayer. That's really been my prayer. That one
34:27
sentence. I'm like, all right. All right, God,
34:29
I know you see me. My prayer has been, I know
34:32
you got it and I don't. And so whatever it is,
34:35
please keep getting it. Like, honestly, that's
34:38
the last couple of times I've been talking to
34:40
him. I'm like, this is such a millennial. Yeah.
34:44
Ginzy. I'm like, you got this. Please keep getting
34:48
it. Yeah. Because I don't. Because I don't. Yeah.
34:51
Yeah. The real. Like, I'm like you. And sometimes
34:54
I'm in the car. I'm like, you just keep doing
34:55
you. Keep doing you. Yeah, that's all I got.
34:58
You just keep doing you and that's all I have.
35:02
But you were like, yeah, I cry a lot. And I'm
35:05
over here and I'm like, that's so, we've been
35:07
talking about that in some of my friend group
35:09
because at my church, my whole church, people
35:11
cry like the whole time. Like I don't go to Wednesday
35:14
night and people aren't sobbing. Like someone's
35:17
always sobbing. and that's like honestly praise
35:19
god wow and yes like one girl's mormon and she
35:22
like came to know christ in her early 20s and
35:24
it's a whole thing and it's beautiful but one
35:26
of my friends looked at me she's like is it weird
35:27
that i don't cry no and i was like no and she's
35:30
okay because like you don't really cry and i
35:32
was like no but i was like but also my way of
35:35
taking part of the spirit is like through my
35:37
joy like i thrive and finding like laughing with
35:40
him and smiling and like i when i when you get
35:43
excited to talk about jesus like you cry about
35:44
his love when i get excited to talk about jesus
35:47
like I like giggle. I'm like so full. Like, it's
35:51
just, I also think it's the different avenues
35:53
of freedom too. So I, a lot of people don't know
35:55
this, but before Jesus, I, I did not have freedom
35:59
to cry in front of people. That was kind of,
36:02
yeah. Uh, taken out of me and strongly discouraged.
36:07
You know, I'd be like set aside on the steps
36:09
and just was allowed to throw a tantrum, you
36:11
know, by myself. And I think I learned from a
36:13
very young age. Um, to take my emotions internally
36:18
and and to not express my emotions out loud so
36:21
for me crying with jesus in front of people that's
36:26
like the sweetest thing that's freedom yeah you
36:28
know i i think and it only happens when i'm talking
36:31
about god or when i'm talking because i still
36:33
even when i still go through hard things it's
36:35
very hard for me to actually talk about my emotions
36:37
yeah um i don't think there has been time we
36:41
have talked about jesus and you didn't cry yeah
36:43
like and you have all those papers that you've
36:45
written on and it's always like there's some
36:47
tear stains on this on those papers like so real
36:50
yeah it really is it's every time you talk about
36:52
jesus like we've talked about other things we've
36:54
known each other for eight years now And there's
36:57
been plenty of hard stuff that's come up that
36:58
you haven't cried about, but it's every single
37:00
time. It has anything to do with the Lord. Yeah.
37:02
It's always about Jesus. And then the tears start
37:04
to well up. I'm like, there goes Caitlin's eyes.
37:07
I don't think she can see me. But anything that
37:08
deals with like my emotions, I actually kind
37:11
of. Oh, you lock down a little bit. Yeah. I lock
37:13
down. Yeah. I lock them down. Yeah. You know?
37:16
But it's only when I'm like talking about Jesus
37:19
where there's like sweet freedom in that. And
37:20
I think the Lord is still freeing me in that.
37:23
And that's very. difficult yeah um it's not always
37:29
fun so yeah i mean but journaling has been i
37:34
feel like journaling that's where i can like
37:36
write things down and i'm like oh that's how
37:38
i'm feeling oh oh that's how i can i turn that's
37:42
what i'm trying to articulate and i i don't know
37:45
how to express it you know so i think it's just
37:47
important to find your avenue like some of you
37:50
may need to journal buy a journal Pray to the
37:53
Lord, the big man. Some people are like, I get
37:55
so distracted in prayer. Okay, buy a pen and
37:57
paper. Yeah. You know, and just write. Because
38:00
then it kind of keeps you on track, you know.
38:03
I think just finding whatever avenue that you
38:06
need is okay. And, you know, it's okay that your
38:10
times look different in different seasons with
38:12
the Lord. Yes. You know. Oh, 100%. So, yeah.
38:17
What season would you say you're in right now
38:19
with him? I think just like. Honestly, trying
38:21
to practice contentment, I would say. Okay. Trying
38:25
to practice contentment, trying to practice gratitude.
38:28
I definitely have been numbing a little bit.
38:31
I can tell, like, there's a part of me that's
38:33
wanting to go back to these old survival modes,
38:35
and I think God's like, no, let's go deeper.
38:38
And I just think deeper healing is happening
38:41
because I've slowed down. Yeah, you have. I'm
38:44
in a season where I have definitely slowed down
38:46
a lot. her roommate so funny because she was
38:52
like i still feel like you work a lot or i still
38:54
feel like you do this and i'm like girl this
38:56
is nothing compared to what your girl was doing
38:59
so um but in the slow down i feel like my system
39:03
things are popping up and god's like let's let's
39:06
wrestle through these things and i'm like no
39:08
no not today you know, and then I'm trying to
39:14
make myself busy. Yeah. So say you find them
39:16
all of a sudden you find a million, all of a
39:18
sudden I'm going to the gym. I'm like, all right,
39:20
cool. But you called me out on that. Do you remember
39:22
that? Yes, I know. Okay. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
39:25
You were like, I feel like you're ready. And
39:26
I was like, from what? And you're like, you're
39:28
just always busy. And I was like, no, I'm not.
39:31
And you're like, you're not home. Like you're
39:33
running away from, you're running away from the
39:35
Lord. You need to slow down. And I was like,
39:36
oh. But now I'm so slow. Now you can't get me
39:41
to go do anything because I'm like, oh, I'm going
39:42
to stay home and read my Bible and talk to Jesus
39:43
instead of doing anything else right now because
39:46
I don't want to go socialize. I don't need to
39:48
be busy. There's definitely seasons. I'm like,
39:50
all right. You called me out and now it's in
39:51
a reverse. Yeah, now it's in a reverse. You're
39:53
calling me out. But I recognize it too. I'm like,
39:55
all right, Lord, I know I'm totally running.
39:57
And then there are sweet moments with the Lord
39:59
where, you know, things are coming up and I'm
40:01
like, okay, like I think one of these being to
40:04
the avenue of waiting for a husband. More than
40:10
that, though, I think in parenting, you know,
40:11
as I navigate relationship with my parents, I've
40:16
had to establish boundaries early on. And just
40:21
recently, I feel like I'm getting triggered again,
40:24
you know, in conversations with like my dad.
40:28
He can just be a little spicy. Sometimes, you
40:31
know, and your girl, I have learned over time
40:34
with the Lord, thankfully. I have known, you
40:37
know, in conversations with my dad, you know,
40:39
I've gotten triggered recently. And there was
40:44
one time my dad was just in a bad mood and he
40:46
was kind of yelling at me. And I was like, oh,
40:48
we're not going to, you know, we're not going
40:51
to talk that way. I will call you back whenever
40:54
you're ready. And it really hit me hard that
40:58
day. And I went on a walk around the lake again
41:02
in silence and I just started crying. And I was
41:06
like, oh, this really affected me today. Yeah.
41:08
You know, and it's interesting because this isn't
41:11
new. No. This has happened multiple times. Like
41:13
I have a pretty established system, you know.
41:16
I recognize with my dad, it's just he can't.
41:19
My dad doesn't know how to express his emotions.
41:21
When a man doesn't know how to express his emotions.
41:23
Yes. um or there may be depression involved I
41:26
feel like anger is anger is a secondary emotion
41:29
yeah firstly so it's like anger is what comes
41:33
out and he knows I love him so it's like yeah
41:36
it does come out on me now that's not to say
41:38
I mean I do establish pretty good boundaries
41:40
with my my dad but um all that to say I love
41:44
him and I know he loves me it's just this is
41:47
how it is and so but I really was hit hard that
41:49
day and I just found myself which oddly enough
41:54
I was praying. I just started praying for my
41:57
husband. And I was like, God. I said, I don't
42:01
want to be with a man who's going to evoke anger
42:03
in me. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I was like, I'm tired.
42:09
I'm so tired. And I don't want to do this anymore.
42:12
Like, I don't want to have to raise my voice.
42:16
I don't want to have to. It's hard when your
42:22
parents don't know Jesus. Yes. And it's hard
42:26
when you have to handle them with grace and wisdom
42:30
and mercy and be Jesus to them, you know? And
42:34
I literally just found myself praying over my
42:39
husband and, like, just thinking about, like,
42:41
my future children. And I was like, I don't want
42:44
them to have this type of relationship with their
42:47
dad. Yeah. You know? And Hannah's 28. 33 and
42:54
not married so it's like i think the waiting
42:57
has been it's interesting because i i haven't
43:00
prayed for my husband a long time it's been a
43:02
minute but i feel like the lord is bringing up
43:04
things where it's like no you need to press in
43:06
and you need to ask me yeah and it's almost like
43:08
bringing in certain scenarios that are making
43:10
me pray like i'm like okay lord like i'm like
43:16
if he has anger yeah i pray that he's a man who
43:19
surrenders it to you and has good healthy outlets
43:23
yes yeah like man i think it's okay to be angry
43:26
but i think it's it's so important to have to
43:29
gain self -control over that yeah um and that
43:32
is a gift of the spirit you know and if you don't
43:35
have self -control over that i would argue you're
43:37
probably not ready to be married i would agree
43:39
with that so i have a question let's stop this
43:42
here and then let's pick up and can we talk about
43:45
your singleness and like what that's looking
43:48
like and what and continue this conversation
43:50
oh yeah sorry to cut that short but if you're
43:54
loving caitlin's episode in a few weeks we will
43:56
be talking about what it's like to be single
43:59
30 and flirty you can tune in in just a few weeks
44:03
to hear the rest of her story and what life looks
44:06
like as a single 30 year old all right thanks
44:09
for listening Thank you. Thanks so much for listening
44:25
to the Living Free Podcast. I hope that you enjoyed
44:28
it. Let's stay connected. You can message me
44:31
or follow me on Instagram at hannalizd or you
44:35
can email me at livingfreepod at gmail .com.
44:39
If you're loving the podcast, I'd be so honored
44:42
if you'd go ahead and hit that subscribe button
44:44
and leave me a review. And if you have any feedback
44:47
or a subject you'd like me to cover, please go
44:49
ahead and email me or DM me on Instagram. Again,
44:53
thank you so much for listening. I hope you feel
44:55
encouraged and lighter today. Bye, y 'all.