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The Importance of Being Earnest · The Importance of Being Earnest

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  The Importance of Being Earnest by Oscar Wilde. First act scene, morning room
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  in Algernon's flat in Half Moon Street. The room is luxuriously and artistically furnished.
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  The sound of a piano is heard in the adjoining room. Layne is
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  arranging afternoon tea on the table, And after the music has ceased, Algernon
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  enters, did you hear what I was playing? Lane? I didn't think
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  it polite to listen, sir. I'm sorry for that for your sake.
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  I don't play accurately. Any one can play accurately, but I play with
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  wonderful expression. As far as the piano is concerned. Sentiment is my forte.
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  I keep science for life, yes, sir. And speaking of the
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  science of life, have you got the cucumber sandwich cut for Lady Bracknell,
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  Yes, sir. Hence them on a salver, inspects them, takes two,
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  and sits down on the sofa. Oh, by the way, Lane,
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  I see from your book that on Thursday night, when Lord Shoreman and
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  mister Worthing were dining with me, eight bottles of champagne are entered as having
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  been consumed. Yes, sir, eight bottles in a pint why is it
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  that at a bachelor's establishment the servants invariably drink the champagne? I ask merely
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  for information I attributed to the superior quality of the wine, Sir. I
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  have often observed that a married household the champagne is rarely of a first rate
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  brand good heavens his marriage so demoralizing as that, I believe it is a
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  very pleasant state, sir. I've had very little experience of it myself up
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  to the present. I've only been married once, that was in consequence of
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  a misunderstanding between myself and a young person. I don't know that I am
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  much interested in your family life. Lane, No, sir, it is
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  not a very interesting subject. I never think of it myself. Very natural,
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  I am sure that will do. Lane, Thank you, Thank you,
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  sir. Lane goes out. Lane's views on marriage seem somewhat lax.
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  Really, if the lower orders don't set us a good example, what on
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  earth is the use of them? They seem as a class who have absolutely
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  no sense of moral responsibility. Enter Lane, mister Ernest worthing Enter Jack.
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  Lane goes out, how are you, my dear Ernest? What brings you
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  up to town? Oh? Pleasure? Pleasure. What else would bring one
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  anywhere? Eating as usual? I see algae. I believe it is customary
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  in good society to take some slight refreshment at five o'clock. Where have you
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  been since last Thursday? Sitting down on the sofa in the country? What
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  on earth do you do there pulling off his gloves. When one is in
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  town, one amuses oneself. When one is in the country, one amuses
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  other people. It is excessively boring. And who are the people you amuse?
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  Oh? Neighbors? Neighbors? Got nice neighbors in your part of Shropshire?
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  Hm, perfectly horrid? Never speak to one of them, how immensely
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  you must amuse them? Goes over and take sandwich? By the way,
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  Shropshire is your county, is it not, eh, Shropshire? Yes,
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  of course? Hello? Why all these cops? Why cucumber sandwiches? Why
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  such reckless extravagance in one so young? Who is coming to tea? Who
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  merely Aunt Augusta and Gwendolen? How perfectly delightful? Yes, that is all
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  very well, But I am afraid Aunt Augusta won't quite approve of your being
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  here. May I ask why my dear fellow, the way you flirt with
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  Gwendolen is perfectly disgraceful. It is almost as bad as the way Gwendolen flirts
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  with you. I am in love with Gwendolen. I have come up to
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  town expressly to propose to her. I thought you had come up for pleasure.
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  I call that business. How utterly unromantic you are. I really don't
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  see anything romantic and proposing. It is very romantic to be in love,
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  but there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal. Why one may be accepted
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  one usually is, I believe, then the excitement is all over. The
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  very essence of romance is uncertainty. If ever I get married, I'll certainly
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  try to forget the fact. I have no doubt about that, Dear Algae.
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  The divorce court were specially invented for people whose memories are so curiously constituted.
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  Oh, there is no use speculating on that subject. Divorces are made
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  in heaven. Jack puts out his hand to take a sandwich. Algernon at
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  once interferes. Please don't touch the cucumber sandwiches. They are ordered specially for.
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  Aunt Augusta takes one and eats it well, you have been eating them
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  all the time. That is quite a different matter. She is my aunt,
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  takes plate from below. I have some bread and butter. The bread
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  and butter is for Gwendolen. Gwendolen is devoted to bread and butter, advancing
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  to table and helping himself. And very good bread and butter. It is
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  too well, my dear fellow. You need not eat as if you were
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  going to eat it all. You behave as if you were married to her
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  already. You are not married to her already, and I don't think you
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  ever will be. Why on earth do you say that? Well, in
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  the first place, girls never marry the men they flirt with. Girls don't
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  think it right. Oh, that is nonsense. It isn't. It is
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  a great truth. It accounts for the extraordinary number of bachelors that one sees
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  all over the place. In the second place, I don't give my consent
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  your consent, my dear fellow. Gwendolen is my first cousin. And before
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  I allow you to marry her, you will have to clear up the whole
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  question of Cecily rings Bell. Cecily, what on earth do you mean?
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  What do you mean algae by Cecily. I don't know anyone of the name
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  of Cecily. Enter Lane, bring me that cigarette case mister worthing left in
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  the smoking room the last time he dined here. Yes, sir, Laine
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  goes out, Do you mean to say that you've had my cigarette case here
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  all this time? I wish to goodness you would let me know. I've
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  been writing franticly. It's a Scotland yard about it. I was very nearly
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  offering a very large reward. Well, I wish you would offer one.
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  I happen to be more than usually hard up. There is no good offering
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  a large reward. Now that the thing is found, Enter Lane with a
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  cigarette case on a salver. Eljernon takes it at once. Lane goes out.
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  I think that is rather mean of you, Ernest, I must say,
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  opens case and examines it. However, it makes no matter, for
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  now that I look at the inscription inside, I find that the thing isn't
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  yours, after all, of course, it's mine. Moving to him,
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  you have seen me with it a hundred times, and you have no right
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  whatsoever to read what is written inside. It is a very ungentlemanly thing to
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  read a private cigarette case. Oh, it is as to have a hard
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  and fast rule about what one should read and what one shouldn't. More than
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  half of modern culture depends on what one shouldn't read. I am quite aware
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  of the fact, and I don't propose to discuss modern culture. It isn't
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  the sort of thing one should talk about in private. I simply want my
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  cigarette case back. Yes, but this isn't your cigarette case. This cigarette
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  case is a present from someone of the name of Cecily. And you said
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  you didn't know anyone of that name. Well, if you want to know,
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  Cecily happens to be my aunt. Your aunt, Yes, charming old
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  lady, she is too, lives at Tunbridge Wells. Just give it back
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  to me, aljer retreating to back of sofa. But why does she call
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  herself little Cecily if she is your aunt and lives at Tunbridge Wells. Reading
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  from Little Cecily with her fondest love, moving to sofa and kneeling upon it.
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  My dear fellow, what on earth is there in that some ants are
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  tall, some antsw are not tall. That is a matter that surely any
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  aunt may be allowed to decide for herself. You seem to think that every
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  aunt should be exactly like your aunt. That is absurd. For Heaven's sake,
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  give me back my cigarette. Case follows Aldernan around the room. Yes,
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  but why does she call you her uncle? From Little Cecily with her
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  fondest love to her dear uncle Jack. There is no objection. I admit
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  to an aunt being a small aunt. But why an aunt, no matter
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  what her size may be, should call her own nephew her uncle. I
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  can't quite make out. Besides, your name isn't Jack at all. It
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  is Earnest. It isn't Earnest. It's Jack. You have always told me
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  it was Ernest. I have introduced you to everyone as Earnest. You answer
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  to the name of Earnest. You look as if your name was Earnest.
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  You are the most earnest looking person I have ever seen in my life.
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  It is perfectly absurd. You're saying that your name isn't Earnest. It's on
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  your cards. Here is one of them taking it from case, mister Earnest,
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  worthing be for the Albany. I'll keep this as a proof that your
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  name is Earnest. If ever you attempt to deny it to me, or
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  to Gwendolen or to anyone else. What's the card in his pocket? Well,
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  my name is Ernest in Town and Jack in the country, and the
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  cigarette case was given to me in the country. Yes, but that does
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  not account for the fact that your small aunt Cecily, who lives at Tunbridge
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  Wells, calls you her dear uncle. Come, old boy, you had
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  much better have the thing out at once, My dear allergy, you talk
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  exactly as if you were a dentist. It is very vulgar to talk like
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  a dentist when one isn't a dentist. It produces a false impression. Well,
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  that is exactly what dentists always do. Now, go on tell me
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  the whole thing. I may mention that I have always suspected you of being
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  a confirmed and secret bunbarriist, and I am quite sure of it. Now,
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  Bunburiest, what on earth do you mean by a bun barrist. I'll
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  reveal to you the meaning of that incomparable expression, as soon as you are
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  kind enough to inform me why you are Earnest in Town and Jack in the
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  country. Well, produce my cigarette case first. Here it is hans cigarette
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  case. Now produce your explanation and pray make it improbable. Sits on sofa,
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  my dear fellow. There is nothing improbable about my explanation at all.
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  In fact, it's perfectly ordinary. Old mister Thomas card You, who adopted
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  me when I was a little boy, made me in his will guardian to
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  his granddaughter, Miss Cecily card You. Cecily, who addresses me as her
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  uncle for motives of respect that you could not possibly appreciate, lives at my
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  place in the country, under the charge of her Admiral Governess, Miss Prism.
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  Where is that place in the country, By the way, that is
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  nothing to you, dear boy. You are not going to be invited.
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  I may tell you candidly that the place is not in Shropshire. I suspected
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  that, my dear fellow, I have been buried all over Shropshire on two
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  separate occasions. Now go on, Why are you Earnest in town and jack
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  in the country, Oh, my dear algae, I don't know whether you
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  will be able to understand my real motives. You are hardly serious enough.
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  When one is placed in the position of guardian, one has to adopt a
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  very high moral tone. On all subjects. It's one's duty to do so,
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  and as a high moral tone can hardly be said to conduce much to
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  either one's health or one's happiness. In order to get up to town,
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  I have always pretended to have a younger brother of the name of Ernest,
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  who lives in the Albany and gets into the most dreadful scrapes. That,
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  my dear Algae, is the whole truth, pure and simple. The truth
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  is rarely pure and never simple. Modern life would be very tedious if it
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  were either in modern literature complete impossibility. That wouldn't at all be a bad
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  thing. Literary criticism is not your forte, my dear fellow. Don't try
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  it. You should leave that to people who haven't been at university. They
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  do it so well in the daily papers. What you really are is a
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  Bunburiist. I was quite right in saying you were a Unburiest. You are
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  one of the most advanced Bunbariists that I know. What on earth do you
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  mean? You have invented a very useful younger brother called Earnest in order that
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  you may be able to come to town as often as you like. I
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  have invented an invaluable, permanent invalid called Bunbury, in order that I may
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  be able to go down into the country whenever I choose. Buonburry is perfectly
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  invaluable. If it wasn't for Bunburry's extraordinary bad health, for instance, I
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  wouldn't be able to dine with you at Willis's tonight, for I have been
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  engaged to Aunt Augusta for more than a week. I haven't asked you to
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  dine with me anyway tonight. I know you are absurdly careless about sending out
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  invitations. It is very foolish of you. Nothing annoys people so much as
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  not receiving invitations. You had much better dine with your Aunt Augusta. I
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  haven't the smallest intention of doing anything of the kind. To begin with,
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  I dined there on Monday, and once a week is quite enough to dine
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  with one's own relations. In the second place, whenever I do dine there,
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  I am always treated as a member of the family and sent down with
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  either no woman at all or two. In the third place, I know
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  perfectly well whom she will place me next to. To night. She will
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  place me next Mary Vaqua, who always flirts with her own husband across the
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  dinner table. That is not very pleasant. Indeed, it is not even
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  decent. And that sort of thing is enormously on the increase. The amount
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  of women in London who flirt with their own husbands is perfectly scandalous. It
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  looks so bad. It is simply washing one's clean linen in public. Besides,
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  now that I know you to be a confirmed Bonburiist, I naturally want
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  to talk to you about Bunburying. I want to tell you the rules.
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  I'm not a Bunburyist at all. If Gwendolen accepts me, I am going
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  to kill my brother. Indeed, I think I'll kill him. In any
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  case, Cicely is a little too much interested in him. It is rather
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  a ball. So I'm going to get rid of Ernest, and I strongly
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  advise you to do the same with mister but with your invalid friend who has
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  the absurd name. Nothing will induce me to part with Bunbury. And if
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  you ever get married, which seems to me extremely problematic, you will be
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  very glad to know Bunbury. A man who marries without knowing Bunbury has a
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  very tedious time of it. That is nonsense. If I marry a charming
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  girl like Gwendolen, and she is the only girl I ever in my life
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  that I would marry, I certainly wouldn't want to know Bunbury, then your
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  wife will. You don't seem to realize that in married life, three is
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  company and two is none. That, my dear young friend, is the
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  theory that the corrupt French drama has been propounding for the last fifty years years,
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  and the happy English home has proved in half the time. Oh,
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  for heaven's sake, don't try to be cynical. It's perfectly easy to be
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  cynical, my dear fellow. Isn't easy to be anything nowadays there's such a
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  lot of beastly competition about the sound of an electric bell is heard. Ah,
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  that must be Aunt Augusta. Only relatives or creditors ever ring in that
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  Wagnerian manner. Now, if I get her out of the way for ten
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  minutes so that you can have an opportunity for proposing to Gwendolyn, may I
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  dine with you tonight at Willis's. Oh I suppose if you want to,
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  Yes, but you must be serious about it. I hate people who are
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  not serious about meals. It is so shadow of them. Enter lane,
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  Lady Bracknell and Miss Fairfax. Algernon goes forward to meet them. Enter Lady
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  Bracknell and Gwendolen. Good afternoon, dear Algernon, I hope you're behaving very
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  well. I'm feeling very well on Augusta. That's not quite the same thing.
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  In fact, the two things rarely go together. Seized Jack and bows
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  to him with icy coldness. To Gwendolen, dear me, you are smart.
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  I am always smart, am I not mister worthing. You're quite perfect,
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  Miss Fairfax. Oh, I hope I am not. That it would
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  leave no room for developments, and I intend to develop in many directions.
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  Gwendolen and Jack sit down together in the corner. I'm sorry if we are
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  a little late, Aldernon, but I was obliged to call on dear Lady
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  Harbury. I hadn't been there since her poor husband's death. I never saw
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  a woman so altered. She looks quite twenty years younger. And now I'll
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  have a cup of tea in one of those nice cucumber sandwiches you promised me.
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  Certainly at Augusta goes over to tea table. Won't you come and sit
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  here? Gwendolen, Thanks Mama, I'm quite comfortable where I am picking up
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  empty plate in horror, good heavens vane. Why are there no cucumber sandwiches?
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  I ordered them specially? There were no cucumbers in the market this morning,
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  Sir. I went down twice. No cucumbers, no, sir,
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  not even for ready money. That will do Lane, Thank you, Thank
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  you, Sir goes out. I am greatly distressed, Aunt Augusta about there
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  being no cucumbers, not even for ready money. It really makes no matter,
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  Algernon. I had some crumpets with Lady Harbury, who seems to me
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  to be living entirely for pleasure. Now I hear her hair has turned quite
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  gold from grief. It certainly has changed its color from what cause, I,
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  of course cannot say. Algernon crosses and hands tea. Thank you.
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  I've quite a treat for you tonight, Algernon. I'm going to send you
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  down with Mary Farkarr. She's such a nice woman and so attentive to her
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  husband. It's delightful to watch them. I am afraid, Auntie Gusta,
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  I shall have to give up the pleasure of dining with you tonight. After
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  all, I hope not, Algernon. It would put my table completely out.
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  Your uncle would have to dine upstairs. Fortunately he's accustomed to that.
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  It is a great bore, and I need hardly say a terrible disappointment to
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  me. But the fact is I have just had a telegram to say that
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  my poor friend Bunberry is very ill again exchange his glances with Jack. Do
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  they seem to think I should be with him? It is very strange this
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  mister Bunbury seems to suffer from curiously bad health. Yes, poor Bunberry is
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  a dreadful invalid. Well, I must say, Aldernon, I think it's
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  high time that mister Bunbury made up his mind whether he was going to live
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  or to die. This shilly shallyer with the question is absurd. Nor do
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  I in any way approve of the modern sympathy with invalids. I consider it
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  morbid illness of any kind is hardly a thing to be encouraged in others.
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  Health is the primary duty of life. I'm always telling that to your poor
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  uncle, but he never seems to take much notice. As far as any
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  improvement in his ailment goes, I should be much obliged if you would ask
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  mister Bunbury from me to be kind enough not to have a relapse on Saturday.
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  For I rely on you to arrange my music for me. It is
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  my last reception and one wants something that I will encourage conversation, particularly at
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  the end of the season when everyone has practically said whatever they had to say,
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  which in most cases was probably not much. I'll speak to Bunbury aunt
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  Augusta if he is still conscious, and I think I can promise you he'll
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  be all right by Saturday. Of course, the music is a great difficulty.
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  You see, if one plays good music, people don't listen, and
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  if one plays bad music, people don't talk. But I'll run over the
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  program I've drawn out if you will kindly come into the next room for a
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  moment. Thank you, Algernon. It is very thoughtful of you. Rising
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  and following Algernon, I'm sure the program will be delightful. After a few
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  expigations French songs, I cannot possibly allow people always seem to think that they're
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  improper and either look shocked, which is vulgar, or laugh which is worse.
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  But German sounds a arly respectable language, and indeed I believe is so.
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  Gwendolen, you will accompany me, certainly, Mamma, Lady Bracknell and
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  algerinin go into the music room. Gwendolen remains behind. Charming day it has
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  been, Miss Fairfax. Pray, don't tell me about the weather, mister
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  Worthing. Whenever people talk to me about the weather, I always feel quite
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  certain that they mean something else, and that makes me so nervous. I
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  do mean something else, I thought so. In fact, I am never
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  wrong, and I would like to be allowed to take advantage of Lady Bracknell's
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  temporary absence. I would certainly advise you to do so. Mama has a
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  way of coming back suddenly into her room that I have often had to speak
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  to her about Miss Fairfax. Ever since I met you, I have admired
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  you more than any girl I have ever met. Since I met you,
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  yes, I am quite well aware of the fact, and I often wish
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  that in public, at any rate, you had been more demonstrative for me.
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  You have always had an irresistible fascination. Even before I met you,
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  I was far from indifferent to you. Jack looks at her in amazement.
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  We live as I hope you know, mister Worthing in an age of ideals.
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  The fact is constantly mentioned in the more expensive monthly magazines and has reached
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  the provincial pulpits I am told and my ideal has always been to love someone
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  of the name of Earnest. There is something in that name that inspires absolute
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  confidence. The moment Algernon first mentioned to me that he had a friend called
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  Earnest, I knew I was destined to love you. You really love me,
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  Gwendolen passionately, Darling, you don't know how happy you've made me my
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  own Earnest. You really don't mean to say that you couldn't love me if
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  my name wasn't Earnest. But your name is Earnest. Yes, yes,
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  I know it is. But supposing it was something else, did you mean
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  to say that you couldn't love me then? Ah? That is clearly a
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  metaphysical speculation, and like most metaphysical speculations, has very little reference at all
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  to the actual facts of real life as we know them personally. Darling,
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  to speak quite candidly, I don't much care about the name of Earnest.
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  I don't think it suits me at all. It suits you perfectly. It
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  is a divine name, It has a music of its own, It produces
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  vibrations. Well, really, Gwendolen, I must say that I think there
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  are lots of other, much nicer names. I think Jack, for instance,
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  a charming name. Jack. No, there's very little music in the
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  name Jack, if any at all. Indeed, it does not thrill.
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  It produces absolutely no vibrations. I have known several Jacks, and they all,
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  without exception, were more than usually plain. Besides, Jack is a
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  notorious domesticity for John, and I pity any woman who is married to a
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  man called John should probably never be allowed to know the entrancing pleasure of a
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  single moment's solitude. The only safe name is Ernest. Gwendolen. I must
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  get christened at once. I mean, we must get married at once.
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  There's no time to be lost married. Mister Worthing, Well, surely you
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  know that I love you, and you led me to believe, Miss Fairfax,
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  that you were not absolutely indifferent to me. I adore you, But
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  you haven't proposed to me yet. Nothing has been said at all about marriage.
• 30:06
  The subject has not even been touched on. Yeah, well me,
• 30:10
  I propose to you now. I think it would be an admirable opportunity and
• 30:15
  to spare you any possible disappointment, mister Worthing, I think it only fair
• 30:19
  to tell you, quite frankly beforehand, that I am fully determined to accept
• 30:25
  you. Gwendolen. Yes, mister Worthing. What have you got to say
• 30:30
  to me? You know what I've got to say to you? Yes,
• 30:36
  but you don't say it. Gwendolen, Will you marry me? Goes on
• 30:42
  his knees. Of course I will, Darling. How long you have been
• 30:48
  about it? I am afraid you have had very little experience and how to
• 30:52
  propose my own one. I have never loved anyone in the world but you.
• 30:57
  Yes. But men often propose for practice. I know my brother Gerald
• 31:03
  does. All my girlfriends tell me. So what wonderfully blue eyes you have,
• 31:07
  Ernest, they are quite quite blue. I hope you will always look
• 31:11
  at me just like that, especially when there are other people present. Enter
• 31:15
  Lady Bracknell. Mister Worthing, Rise, sir from this semi recumbent posture.
• 31:22
  It's most indecorous. Mama. He tries to rise, she restrains him.
• 31:30
  I must beg you to retire. This is no place for you. Besides,
• 31:33
  mister Worthing has not quite finished yet finished what may I ask? I
• 31:40
  am engaged to mister Worthing, Mamma, they writes together, pardon me,
• 31:45
  you are not engaged to anyone. When you do become engaged to someone,
• 31:49
  I or your father, should his health permit him, will inform you of
• 31:53
  the fact an engagement should come on a young girl as a surprise, pleasant
• 31:57
  or unpleasant as the case may be, it's hardly a matter that she should
• 32:00
  be allowed to arrange for herself. And now I have a few questions to
• 32:05
  put to you, mister Worthing. While I'm making these inquiries, you Gwendolen,
• 32:08
  will wait for me below in the carriage, Mamma. In the carriage,
• 32:14
  Gwendolen. Gwendolen goes to the door. She and Jack blow kisses to
• 32:19
  each other behind Lady Bracknell's back. Lady Bracknell looks vaguely about, as if
• 32:23
  she could not understand what the noise was. Finally turns round Gwendolen. The
• 32:30
  carriage. Yes, Mamma goes out, looking back at Jack sitting down.
• 32:37
  You can take a seat, mister worthing looks in her pocket for note book
• 32:42
  and pencil. Thank you, Lady Bracknell, I prefer standing pencil and notebook
• 32:47
  in hand. I feel bound to tell you that you are not down on
• 32:52
  my list of eligible young men, although I have the same list as the
• 32:54
  dear Duchess of Bolton has. We work together. In fact, however,
• 32:59
  I am quite ready to enter your name should your answers be what a really
• 33:01
  affectionate mother requires. Do you smoke, well, yes, I must admit
• 33:08
  I smoke. I am glad to hear it. A man should always have
• 33:12
  an occupation of some kind. There are far too many idle men in London
• 33:15
  as it is. How old are you? Twenty nine? A very good
• 33:21
  age to be married at. I have always been of the opinion that a
• 33:24
  man who desires to get married should either know everything or nothing. Which do
• 33:30
  you know? I know nothing, Lady Bracknell. I am pleased to hear
• 33:37
  it. I do not approve of anything that tampers with natural ignorance. Ignorance
• 33:42
  is like a delicate exotic fruit. Touch it and the bloom is gone.
• 33:45
  The whole theory of modern education is radically unsound. Fortunately in England at any
• 33:52
  rate. Education produces no effect whatsoever. If it did, it would provide
• 33:57
  a serious danger to the upper classes, and probably into acts of violence.
• 34:00
  In Grosvenor Square, what is your income between seven and eight thousand a year?
• 34:07
  Makes a note in her book in land or in investments? In investments?
• 34:14
  Chiefly that is satisfactory. What between the duties expected of one during one's
• 34:20
  lifetime and the duties extracted from one after one's death. Land has ceased to
• 34:23
  be either a profit or a pleasure. It gives one position and prevents one
• 34:28
  from keeping it up. Hmm, that's all that can be said about land.
• 34:31
  I have a country house with some land, of course attached to it,
• 34:36
  about fifteen hundred acres, I believe, but I don't depend on that
• 34:40
  for my real income. In fact, as far as I can make out,
• 34:45
  the poachers are the only people who make anything of it. A country
• 34:49
  house, how many bedrooms? Well, at that point can be cleared up
• 34:52
  afterwards you have a townhouse. I hope A girl with a simple, unspoiled
• 34:57
  nature like Gwendolen could hardly be expected to reside in the country. Well.
• 35:01
  I own a house in Belgrave Square, but it is let by the air
• 35:06
  to Lady Bloxam. Of course I can get it back whenever I like,
• 35:08
  at six months notice. Lady Bloxam, I don't know her. Oh she
• 35:15
  goes about very little. She is a lady considerably advanced in years. Ah,
• 35:22
  nowadays that is no guarantee of respectability of character. What number in Belgrave
• 35:28
  square one nine? Shaking her head? The unfashionable side. I thought there
• 35:35
  was something, however, that could be easily altered. Do you mean the
• 35:38
  fashion or the side both? If necessary? I presume What are your politics?
• 35:45
  Well, I am afraid I really have none. I am a liberal
• 35:50
  Unionist. Oh they count as Tories. They dine with us or come in
• 35:53
  the evening at any rate. Now to minor matters, are your parents living?
• 36:00
  I have lost both my parents. To lose one parent, mister Worthing,
• 36:05
  may be regarded as a misfortune. To lose both looks like carelessness.
• 36:09
  Who was your father? He was evidently a man of some wealth. Was
• 36:13
  he born in what the radical papers call the purple of commerce? Or did
• 36:17
  he rise from the ranks of the aristocracy. I am afraid I really don't
• 36:22
  know. The fact is Lady Bracknell I said I had lost my parents.
• 36:28
  It would be near the truth to say that my parents seem to have lost
• 36:31
  me. I don't actually know who I am by birth. I was where
• 36:39
  I was found found. The late mister Thomas Cardu, an old gentleman of
• 36:46
  a very charitable and kindly disposition, found me and gave me the name of
• 36:52
  Worthing because he happened ever first class ticket for Worthing in his pocket at the
• 36:57
  time. Worthing is a place in Sussex. It's a seaside resort. Where
• 37:02
  did the charitable gentleman who had a first class ticket for this seaside resort find
• 37:07
  you in a handbag? A handbag? Yes, Lady Brackdam, I was
• 37:15
  in a handbag, a somewhat large black leather handbag with handles to it,
• 37:27
  an ordinary handbag. In fact, in what locality did this mister James or
• 37:34
  Thomas Cardu come across this ordinary handbag? In the cloak room at Victoria Station.
• 37:43
  It was given to him in mistake for his own the cloakroom at Victoria
• 37:46
  Station. Yes, the Brighton line. The line is immterial, mister Worthing.
• 37:55
  I confess I feel somewhat bewildered by what you've just told me to be
• 38:00
  born or at any rate bred in a handbag, whether it has handles or
• 38:04
  not, seems to me to display a contempt for the ordinary decencies of family
• 38:08
  life. That reminds one of the worst excesses of the French Revolution, and
• 38:14
  I presume you know what that unfortunate movement led to. As for the particular
• 38:17
  locality in which the handbag was found, a cloak room at a railway station
• 38:22
  might serve to conceal a social indiscretion has probably indeed been used for that purpose
• 38:28
  before, but it could hardly be regarded as an assured basis for a recognized
• 38:32
  position in good society. May I ask you, then, what you would
• 38:37
  advise me to do. I need hardly say I would do anything in the
• 38:40
  world to ensure Gwendolen's happiness. I would strongly advise you, mister Worthing,
• 38:47
  to try and acquire some relations as soon as possible, and to make a
• 38:51
  definite effort to produce, at any rate, one parent of either sex before
• 38:54
  the season is quite over. Well, I don't see how I could possibly
• 39:00
  managed to do that. I can produce the handbag at any moment. It
• 39:04
  is in my dressing room at home. I really think that should satisfy you,
• 39:07
  Lady Bracknell, Me, sir, what has it to do with me?
• 39:12
  You can hardly imagine that I in Lord Bracknell, would dream of allowing
• 39:15
  our only daughter, a girl brought up with the utmost care, to marry
• 39:20
  into a cloak room and form an alliance with a parcel. Good morning,
• 39:24
  mister worthing. Lady Bracknell sweeps out in majestic indignation. Good morning, Elgernon
• 39:32
  from the other room strikes up the wedding march Jack looks perfectly furious and goes
• 39:37
  to the door. Oh, for goodness sake, don't play that ghastly tune
• 39:43
  analogy. How idiotic you are. The music stops and Algernon enters cheerily.
• 39:49
  Didn't it go awful? Right, old boy? You don't mean to say.
• 39:52
  Gwendolen refused you. I know it is a way she has. She
• 39:58
  has always refuge using people. I think it is most ill natured of her.
• 40:05
  Oh. Gwendolen is as right as a trivet. As far as she
• 40:08
  is concerned, we are engaged. Her mother is perfectly unbearable. Never met
• 40:15
  such a gorgan. I don't really know what a gorgan is like. But
• 40:20
  I'm quite sure that Lady Bracknell is one. In any case, she is
• 40:23
  a monster without being a myth, which is rather unfair. I beg your
• 40:30
  pardon, Algie, I suppose I shouldn't talk about your own aunt in that
• 40:36
  way before you, My dear boy, I love hearing my relations abused.
• 40:43
  It is the only thing that makes me put up with them at all.
• 40:45
  Relations are simply the tedious pack of people who haven't got the remotest knowledge of
• 40:52
  how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die. Oh,
• 40:58
  that is nonsense. It isn't well. I won't argue about the matter.
• 41:06
  You always want to argue about things. That is exactly what things were originally
• 41:12
  made for. Upon my word, if I thought that, I'd shoot myself.
• 41:19
  You don't think there's any chance of Gwendolen becoming like a mother in about
• 41:25
  one hundred and fifty years, do you, Aldre? All women become like
• 41:30
  their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his?
• 41:38
  Is that clever? It is perfectly phrased, and quite as true as any
• 41:45
  observation in civilized life should be. I am sick to death of cleverness.
• 41:52
  Everybody is clever. Nowadays he can't go anywhere without meeting clever people. The
• 41:58
  thing has become an absolute public nuisance. Wish to goodness we had a few
• 42:04
  fools left we have, I should extremely like to meet them. What do
• 42:09
  they talk about the fools? Oh about the clever people, of course?
• 42:16
  Oh what fools. By the way, did you tell Gwendolen the truth about
• 42:22
  your being Earnest in town and Jack in the country, My dear fellow,
• 42:28
  the truth isn't quite the sort of thing one tells to a nice, sweet,
• 42:32
  refined girl. What extraordinary ideas you have about the way to behave to
• 42:38
  a woman? The only way to behave to a woman is to make love
• 42:44
  to her if she is pretty, and to someone else if she is plain.
• 42:50
  Oh, that is nonsense. What about your brother? What about profligate
• 42:57
  Earnest? Oh, before the end of the word, I shall have got
• 43:00
  rid of him. I'll say he died in Paris of apoplexy. Lots of
• 43:07
  people die of apoplexy quite suddenly, don't they. Yes, But it's hereditary,
• 43:15
  my dear fellow, It's a sort of thing that runs in families.
• 43:19
  You had much better say a severe chill. You are sure severe chill isn't
• 43:22
  hereditary or anything of the kind. Of course, it isn't very well.
• 43:29
  Then, my poor brother Ernest to be carried off suddenly in Paris by a
• 43:36
  severe chill that gets rid of him. But I thought you said that,
• 43:44
  miscard, you was a little too much interested in your poor brother Ernest.
• 43:50
  Won't she feel his loss a good deal? Oh? That is all right.
• 43:54
  Cecily is not a silly romantic girl. I am glad to say.
• 44:00
  She's got a capital appetite, goes long walks, and pays no attention at
• 44:04
  all to her lessons. I would rather like to see Cecily. I will
• 44:09
  take very good care. You never do. She is excessively pretty and she
• 44:15
  is only just eighteen. Have you told Gwendolen yet that you have an excessively
• 44:21
  pretty ward who is only just eighteen? Oh? One doesn't blurt these things
• 44:28
  out to people. Cecily and Gwendolen are perfectly certain to be extremely great friends.
• 44:34
  I'll bet you anything you like that half an hour after they've met they
• 44:38
  will be calling each other sister. Women only do that when they have called
• 44:44
  each other a lot of other things. First, now, my dear boy,
• 44:49
  if we want to get a good table at Willis's. We really must
• 44:52
  go and dress. Do you know that it is nearly seven? Oh,
• 44:58
  it's always nearly seven. Well, I'm hungry. I never knew you when
• 45:06
  you won't. What shall we do after dinner? Go to a theater?
• 45:12
  Oh no, I loathe listening. Well, let's go to the club.
• 45:17
  Oh no, I hate talking. Well, we might trot round to the
• 45:23
  empire at ten. Oh no, I can't bear looking at things. It
• 45:29
  is so silly. Well, what shall we do? Nothing? It is
• 45:35
  awfully hard work doing nothing. However, I don't mind hard work when there
• 45:42
  is no definite object of any kind. Enter Lane, Miss Fairfax. Enter
• 45:49
  Gwendolen. Lane goes out Gwendolen. Upon my word, Algae, kindly turn
• 45:55
  your back. I have something very particular to say to mister. Really,
• 46:01
  Gwendolen, I don't think I can allow this at all, Algae. You
• 46:07
  always adopt a strictly a moral attitude towards life. You are not quite old
• 46:12
  enough to do that. Eljerinnon retires to the fireplace. My own darling,
• 46:19
  ernest, we may never be married. From the expression on Mamma's face,
• 46:23
  I fear we never shall. Few parents nowadays pay any regard to what their
• 46:29
  children say to them. The old fashioned respect for the young is fast dying
• 46:32
  out. And whatever influence I ever had over Mamma I lost at the age
• 46:37
  of three. But although she may prevent us from becoming man and wife,
• 46:43
  and I may marry someone else and marry often, nothing that she can possibly
• 46:47
  do can alter my eternal devotion to you, dear Gwendolen. The story of
• 46:55
  your romantic origins, related to me by Mama with unpleasing comments, has naturally
• 47:00
  stirred the deeper fibers of my nature. Your Christian name has an irresistible fascination.
• 47:07
  The simplicity of your character makes you exquisitely incomprehensible to me. Your town
• 47:15
  address at the Albany I have. What is your address in the country,
• 47:19
  the manor House, Woolton, Hertfordshire. Elgernon, who has been carefully listening,
• 47:27
  smiles to himself and writes the address on his shirt cuff, then picks
• 47:30
  up the railway guide. There is a good postal service. I suppose it
• 47:37
  may be necessary to do something desperate that, of course, will require serious
• 47:40
  consideration. I will communicate with you daily, my own one. How long
• 47:47
  do you remain in town till monday. Good Algae, you may turn around
• 47:52
  now the thanks I have turned round already. You may also ring the bell.
• 48:00
  You will let me see you to your carriage, my own darling,
• 48:05
  certainly to Lane, who now enters, I will see miss Fairfax out.
• 48:12
  Yes, sir, Jack and Gwendolene go off. Lane presents several letters on
• 48:17
  a salver to Algernon. It is to be surmised that they are bills,
• 48:21
  as Algernon, after looking at the envelopes, tears them up a glass of
• 48:24
  sherry. Lane. Yes, sir, tomorrow, Lane, I'm going bunburying.
• 48:32
  Yes, sir, I shall probably not be back till monday. You
• 48:37
  can put up my dress clothes, my smoking jacket, and all the bunburry
• 48:40
  suits. Yes, sir, handing sherry. I hope tomorrow will be a
• 48:47
  fine day. Lane. It never is, Sir Lane, You're a perfect
• 48:53
  pessimist. I do my best to give satisfaction, sir enter Jack Lane goes
• 48:59
  off. There's a sensible, intellectual girl, the only girl I ever cared
• 49:05
  for in my life. Algernon is laughing immoderately. What on earth are you
• 49:12
  so amused at? Oh? I'm a little anxious about poor Bunbury. That
• 49:16
  is all. If you don't care, your friend Bunbury will get you into
• 49:22
  a very serious scrape one day. I love scrapes. They are the only
• 49:28
  things that are never serious. Oh that's nonsense, Algae. You never talk
• 49:35
  anything but nonsense. Nobody ever does. Jack looks indignantly at him and leaves
• 49:43
  the room. Algernon lights a cigarette, reads his shirt cuff and smiles.
• 49:49
  End of Act one, second act scene garden at the manor house. A
• 49:57
  flight of graystone steps leads up to the house. The garden an old fashioned
• 50:01
  one full of roses. Time of year July. Basket chairs and a table
• 50:07
  covered with books are set under a large yew tree. Miss Prism discovered seated
• 50:13
  at the table. Cecily is at the back, watering flowers. Cecily,
• 50:21
  Cecily. Surely such a utilitarian occupation as the watering of flowers is rather Molten's
• 50:27
  duty than yours, especially at a moment when intellectual pleasures await you. Your
• 50:34
  German grammar is on the table. Pray open it at page fifteen. We
• 50:37
  will repeat yesterday's lesson, coming over very slowly. But I don't like German.
• 50:44
  It isn't at all a becoming language. I know perfectly well that I
• 50:49
  look quite plain after my German. Lesson, child, You know how anxious
• 50:53
  your guardian is that you should improve yourself in every way. He laid particular
• 50:58
  stress on your German as he was leaving for town yesterday. Indeed, he
• 51:02
  always lays stress on your German when he is leaving for town. Dear uncle
• 51:07
  Jack is so very serious. Sometimes he is so serious that I think he
• 51:12
  cannot be quite well drawing herself up. Your guardian enjoys the best of health,
• 51:16
  and his gravity of demeanor is especially to be commended in one so comparatively
• 51:21
  young as he is. I know no one who has a higher sense of
• 51:24
  duty and responsibility. I suppose that is why he often looks a little bored
• 51:29
  when we three are together. Cecily, I am surprised at you. Mister
• 51:34
  Wilding has many troubles in his life. Idle, merriment and triviality would be
• 51:38
  out of place in his conversation. You must remember his constant anxiety about that
• 51:44
  unfortunate young man his brother. I wish Uncle Jack would allow that unfortunate young
• 51:49
  man his brother to come down here. Sometimes we might have a good influence
• 51:53
  over him, Miss prison, I am sure you certainly would you know,
• 51:58
  German and geology and things of that kind influence a man very much. Cecily
• 52:04
  begins to write in her diary, shaking her head. I do not think
• 52:07
  that even I could produce any effect on a character that, according to his
• 52:12
  own brother's admission, is irretrievably weak and vacillating. Indeed, I am not
• 52:16
  sure that I would desire to reclaim him. I am not in favor of
• 52:21
  this modern mania for turning bad people into good people at a moment's notice.
• 52:25
  As a man sows, so let him reap. You must put away your
• 52:30
  diary, Cicily. I really don't see why you should keep a diary at
• 52:32
  all. I keep a diary in order to enter the wonderful secrets of my
• 52:37
  life. If I didn't write them down, I should probably forget all about
• 52:40
  them. Memory, my dear Cecily, is the diary that we all carry
• 52:44
  about with us. Yes, but it usually chronicles the things that have never
• 52:49
  happened and couldn't possibly have happened. I believe that memory is responsible for nearly
• 52:54
  all the three volume novels that Muty sends us do not speak sla writingly.
• 53:00
  Of the three volume novels ssly, I wrote one myself in earlier days.
• 53:05
  Did you really, Miss Prism, how wonderfully clever you are? I hope
• 53:08
  it did not end happily. I don't like novels that end happily. They
• 53:13
  depress me so much. The good ended happily and the bad unhappily. That
• 53:17
  is what fiction means. I suppose so, but it seems very unfair.
• 53:23
  And was your novel ever published? Alas, no, the manuscript, unfortunately
• 53:30
  was abandoned. Cecily starts. I used the word in the sense of lost
• 53:34
  or mislaid to your work, child. These speculations are profitless. Smiling,
• 53:40
  but I see dear doctor Chasuwall coming up through the garden, rising and advancing
• 53:47
  Doctor Jusugal. This is indeed a pleasure entered Cannon Chazeball. And how are
• 53:53
  we this morning, Mistrism? You are I tossed? Well. Miss Prism
• 53:59
  has just been complaining of a slight headache. I think it would do her
• 54:02
  so much good to have a short straw with you in the park, doctor
• 54:06
  Chasibel. Cecily, I have not mentioned anything about a headache. No dear
• 54:12
  miss Prism, I know that, but I felt instinctively that you had a
• 54:15
  headache. Indeed, I was thinking about that and not about my German lesson
• 54:21
  when the rector came in. I hope, Cecily, you are not inattentive.
• 54:25
  Oh I am afraid I am that is strange. Were I fortunate enough
• 54:30
  to be Miss PRISM's pupil, I would hang upon her lips. This Prism
• 54:36
  glares. I spoke metaphorically. My metaphor was drawn from bees m Mister Worthing,
• 54:44
  I suppose has not returned from town yet. We do not expect him
• 54:47
  till Monday afternoon. Ah. Yes, he usually likes to spend his Sunday
• 54:52
  in London. He is not one of those whose sole aimy's enjoyment, as
• 54:58
  by all accounts that unfa anwatunate young man his brother seems to be. But
• 55:02
  I must not disturb a Jellier and her pupil any longer. In Jerier.
• 55:09
  My name is Letitia, doctor bowing a classical illusion merely drawn from the Pagan
• 55:16
  authors. I shall see you both, no doubt at evenson, I think,
• 55:22
  dear doctor, I will have a stroll with you. I find I
• 55:24
  have a headache after all, and a walk might do it good. With
• 55:29
  pleasure, mistrism, with pleasure, we might go as far as the schools
• 55:32
  and back. That would be delightful. Cecily, you will read your Political
• 55:38
  Economy in my absence, the chapter on the fall of the rupee. You
• 55:43
  may omit. It is somewhat too sensational. Even these metallic problems have their
• 55:47
  melodramatic side. Goes down the garden with doctor Charsibal, picks up a box
• 55:53
  and throws them back on table. Horrid political economy, horrid geogray, horrid
• 56:01
  horrid German enter Merriman with a card on his salver. Mister Ernest Worthing has
• 56:08
  just driven over from the station. He has brought his luggage with him.
• 56:15
  Takes the card and reads it. Mister Ernest Worthing B four the Albany w
• 56:22
  uncle Jack's brother. Did you tell him mister Worthing was in town. Yes,
• 56:28
  Miss, he seemed very much disappointed. I mentioned that you and miss
• 56:32
  Prison were in the garden. He said he was anxious to speak to you
• 56:37
  privately for a moment. Ask mister Ernest Worthing to come here. I suppose
• 56:42
  you had better talk to the housekeeper about a room for him. Yes,
• 56:45
  Miss Merriman goes off. I have never met any really wicked person before.
• 56:52
  I feel rather frightened. I am so afraid he will look just like everyone
• 56:54
  else. Enter Elginnon, very gay and debonair he does, raising his hat.
• 57:02
  You are my little cousin, Cecily. I'm sure you are under some
• 57:07
  strange mistake. I am not little. In fact, I believe I am
• 57:12
  more than usually tall for my age. Eldernon is rather taken aback. But
• 57:16
  I am your cousin, Cecily. You, I see from your card,
• 57:21
  are Uncle Jack's brother, my cousin Ernest, my wicked cousin Ernest. Ooh,
• 57:27
  I'm not really wicked at all. Cousin Cecily, you mustn't think that
• 57:31
  I am wicked. If you are not, then you have certainly been deceiving
• 57:36
  us all in a very inexcusable manner. I hope you have not been leading
• 57:39
  a double life, pretending to be wicked and being really good all the time.
• 57:45
  That would be hypocrisy. Looks at her in amazement. Oh, of
• 57:51
  course I have been rather reckless. I am glad to hear it. In
• 57:58
  fact, now you mentioned the subject, I have been very bad in my
• 58:01
  own small way. I don't think you should be so proud of that,
• 58:07
  though I am sure it must have been very pleasant. It is much pleasanter
• 58:10
  being here with you. I can't understand how you are here at all.
• 58:15
  Uncle Jack won't be back till Monday afternoon. That is a great disappointment.
• 58:22
  I am obliged to go up by the first train on Monday morning. I
• 58:24
  have a business appointment that I am anxious to miss. Couldn't you miss it
• 58:30
  anywhere but in London? No, the appointment is in London. Well.
• 58:36
  I know, of course how important it is not to keep a business engagement
• 58:39
  if one wants to retain any sense of the beauty of life. But still,
• 58:44
  I think you had better wait till Uncle Jack arrives. I know he
• 58:47
  wants to speak to you about your emigrating, about my what you're emigrating.
• 58:54
  He has gone up to buy your outfit. I certainly wouldn't let Jack buy
• 58:59
  my I outfit. He has no taste in nickties at all. I don't
• 59:04
  think you will require neckties. Uncle Jack is sending you to Australia. Australia,
• 59:09
  i'd sooner die well, he said at dinner on Wednesday night, that
• 59:15
  you would have to choose between this world, the next world, and Australia.
• 59:19
  Oh well, the accounts I have received of Australia and the Next World
• 59:23
  are not particularly encouraging. This world is good enough for me, Cousin Cecily,
• 59:29
  yes, but are you good enough for it? I'm afraid I'm not.
• 59:36
  That. That is why I want you to reform me. You might
• 59:39
  make that your mission if you don't mind, Cousin Cecily, I'm afraid i've
• 59:45
  no time this afternoon. Well, would you mind my reforming myself this afternoon?
• 59:52
  It is rather quixotic of you, but I think you should try.
• 59:55
  I will. I feel better already you are looking a little worse. That
• 1:00:01
  is because I am hungry. How thoughtless of me. I should have remembered
• 1:00:06
  that when one is going to lead an entirely new life, one requires regular
• 1:00:10
  and wholesome meals. Won't you come in? Thank you? Might I have
• 1:00:15
  a buttonhole first? I never have any appetite unless I have a button hole
• 1:00:21
  first. A Marshall Nielle picks up scissors. No, I'd sooner have a
• 1:00:28
  pink rose. Why cuts a flower? Because you are like a pink rose.
• 1:00:35
  Cousin, Cecily, I don't think it can be right for you to
• 1:00:38
  talk to me like that. Miss Prism never says such things to me,
• 1:00:43
  then Miss Prism is a short sighted old lady. Cecily puts the rose in
• 1:00:46
  his button hole. You are the prettiest girl I ever saw. Miss Prism
• 1:00:52
  says that all good looks are a snare. They are a snare that every
• 1:00:59
  sensible man would like to be caught in. Oh, I don't think I
• 1:01:01
  would care to catch a sensible man. I shouldn't know what to talk to
• 1:01:06
  him about. They pass into the house, Miss Prism and doctor chasbel return.
• 1:01:12
  You are too much alone. Dear doctor Chesogel, you should get married
• 1:01:16
  a misanthrope. I can understand a woman thrope, never with their scholars shudder.
• 1:01:24
  Believe me, I do not deserve so neologistic a phrase. The precept,
• 1:01:29
  as well as the practice of the primitive Church, was distinctly against matrimony.
• 1:01:35
  That is obviously the reason why the primitive Church has not lasted up to
• 1:01:38
  the present day. And you do not seem to realize, dear doctor,
• 1:01:43
  that by persistently remaining single, a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.
• 1:01:49
  Men should be more careful. This very celibacy leads weaker vessels astray.
• 1:01:55
  But is a man not equally attractive when married? No married man is ever
• 1:02:00
  attractive except to his wife, And often I've been told not even to her.
• 1:02:07
  That depends on the intellectual sympathies of the woman. Maturity can always be
• 1:02:12
  depended on Ripeness can be trusted. Young women are green, Doctor charlesbol starts.
• 1:02:21
  I spoke horticulturally. My metaphor was drawn from fruits. But where is
• 1:02:25
  Cecily? Perhaps she followed us to the schools. Enter Jack slowly from the
• 1:02:32
  back of the garden. He is dressed in the deepest morning with crape hatband
• 1:02:37
  and black gloves. Mister Worthing, Mister Worthing, this is indeed a surprise.
• 1:02:45
  We did not look for you till Monday afternoon, Shakespeare's PRISM's hand in
• 1:02:50
  a tragic manner. I have returned sooner than I expected, Doctor Charsible,
• 1:02:55
  I hope you are well, dear mister w I trust this garb of woe
• 1:03:01
  did not betoken some terrible calamity my brother. More shameful debts and extravagance still
• 1:03:09
  leading his life of pleasure, shaking his head. Dead. Your brother Ernest
• 1:03:15
  dead, quite dead? What a lesson for him? I trust he will
• 1:03:21
  profit by it. Mister Worthing. I offer you my sincerest condolence. You
• 1:03:27
  have at least a consolation of knowing that you were always the most generous and
• 1:03:30
  forgiving of brothers. Poor Ernest, he had many faults. But it is
• 1:03:37
  a sad, sad blow, very sad. Indeed, were you with him
• 1:03:42
  at the end? No, he died abroad in Paris. In fact,
• 1:03:47
  I had a telegram last night from the manager of the Grand Hotel. Was
• 1:03:52
  the cause of death mentioned a severe chill? It seems as a man so
• 1:04:00
  so shall he reap raising his hand charity, dear misprism, charity. None
• 1:04:06
  of us are perfect. I myself am particularly susceptible to drafts. Will the
• 1:04:13
  interments take place here? No? He seems to have expressed a desire to
• 1:04:18
  be buried in Paris. In Paris, shakes his head. I fear that
• 1:04:27
  hardly points to any very serious state of mind. At the last, you
• 1:04:30
  would, no doubt wish me to make some slight allusion to this tragic domestic
• 1:04:34
  affliction. Next Sunday, Jack presses his hand convulsively. My sermon on the
• 1:04:42
  meaning of the manner in the Wilderness can be adapted to almost any occasion,
• 1:04:46
  joyful or as in the present case, distressing. I'll sigh. I appreached
• 1:04:54
  it at harvest celebrations, christenings, confirmations, on days of you umiliation,
• 1:05:00
  and festal days. The last time I delivered it was in the cathedral as
• 1:05:04
  a charity sermon on behalf of the Society for the Prevention of discontent among the
• 1:05:10
  Upper Orders. The Bishop, who was present was much struck by some of
• 1:05:15
  the analogies. I dow, ah, that reminds me. You mentioned christening.
• 1:05:20
  I think to doctor Chosibel, I suppose you know how to christen?
• 1:05:24
  All right? Doctor Chasible looks astounded. I mean, of course you are
• 1:05:30
  continually christening, aren't you. It is, I regret to say, one
• 1:05:34
  of the rector's most constant duties in this parish. I have often spoken to
• 1:05:39
  the poorer classes on the subject, but they don't seem to know what thrift
• 1:05:44
  is. But is there any particular infant in whom you are interested, mister
• 1:05:48
  Worthing, your brother was a belief unmarried, was he not? Oh?
• 1:05:54
  Yes, people who live entirely for pleasure usually are. But it is not
• 1:06:00
  for any child. Dear doctor, I am very fond of children. Know.
• 1:06:03
  The fact is I would like to be christened myself this afternoon, if
• 1:06:09
  you have nothing better to do. But surely, mister Worthing, you have
• 1:06:14
  been christened, all lady. I don't remember anything about it, But you
• 1:06:19
  have any grave doubts on the subject, I certainly intend to have. Of
• 1:06:25
  course, I don't know if the thing would bother you in any way,
• 1:06:29
  or if you think I am a little too old now, not at all.
• 1:06:33
  The sprinkling, and indeed the immersion of adults is a perfectly canonical practice.
• 1:06:40
  Immersion You need have no apprehensions. Sprinkling is all that is necessary,
• 1:06:45
  or indeed, I think advisable. Our weather is so changeable. At what
• 1:06:51
  hour would you wish the ceremony performed? Oh? I might trot round about
• 1:06:58
  five if that would suit you, Oh, perfectly perfectly. In fact,
• 1:07:03
  I have two similar ceremonies to perform at that time. A case of twins
• 1:07:09
  that occurred recently in one of the outlying cottages on your own state. Poor
• 1:07:14
  Jenkins the Carter, a most hard working man. Oh I don't see much
• 1:07:19
  fun in being christened along with other babies. It would be childish. Would
• 1:07:24
  half past five do admirably? Admirably takes out watch and now, dear mister
• 1:07:30
  Worthing, I will not intrude any longer into a house of sorrow. I
• 1:07:34
  would merely beg you not to be too much bowed down by grief. What
• 1:07:40
  seemed to us bitter trials are often blessings in disguise. This seems to me
• 1:07:45
  a blessing of extremely obvious kind. Enter cecily from the house. Uncle Jack,
• 1:07:53
  Oh, I am pleased to see you back. But what horrid clothes
• 1:07:56
  you have got on? Do go and change them? My child? My
• 1:08:01
  child? Cicely goes towards Jack. He kisses her brow in a melancholy manner.
• 1:08:09
  What is the matter, Uncle Jack? Do look happy? You look
• 1:08:12
  as if you had toothache, And I have got such a surprise for you.
• 1:08:15
  Who do you think is in the dining room? Your brother? Who?
• 1:08:20
  Your brother, Ernest? He arrived about half an hour ago? What
• 1:08:25
  nonsense, I haven't got her brother? Oh, don't say that. However
• 1:08:30
  badly he may have behaved to you in the past, he is still your
• 1:08:32
  brother. You couldn't be so heartless as to disown him. I'll tell him
• 1:08:38
  to come out, and you will shake hands with him, won't you.
• 1:08:41
  Uncle Jack runs back into the house. These are very joyful tidings. After
• 1:08:47
  all, we had all been resigned to his loss. His sudden return seems
• 1:08:51
  to be a peculiarly distressing. My brother is in the dining room. Oh,
• 1:09:00
  I don't know what it all means. I think it is perfectly absurd.
• 1:09:04
  Enter Algernon and Cecily. Hand in hand. They come slowly up to
• 1:09:09
  Jack. God Heavens motions Algernon away, Brother John. I have come down
• 1:09:17
  from town to tell you that I am very sorry for all the jouble I've
• 1:09:20
  given you, and that I intend to lead a better life in the future.
• 1:09:25
  Jack glares at him and does not take his hand. Uncle Jack,
• 1:09:29
  you are not going to refuse your own brother's hand. Nothing will induce me
• 1:09:34
  to take his hand. I think is coming down here disgraceful. He knows
• 1:09:39
  perfectly well, why, Uncle Jack, do be nice. There is some
• 1:09:45
  good in everyone. Ernest has just been telling me about his poor, invalid
• 1:09:49
  friend, mister Bunbury, whom he goes to visit so often, and surely
• 1:09:54
  there must be much good in one who is kind to an invalid and leaves
• 1:09:58
  the pleasures of London to by a bed of pain. Oh, he has
• 1:10:03
  been talking about Bunbury, has he? Yes, he has told me all
• 1:10:09
  about poor mister Bunbury and his terrible state of health. Bunbury. Well,
• 1:10:15
  I won't have you talk to him about Bunbury, or about anything else.
• 1:10:18
  It is enough to drive one perfectly frantic. Of course, I admit that
• 1:10:25
  the faults were all on my side, But I must say that I think
• 1:10:29
  that brother John's coldness to me is peculiarly painful. I expected a more enthusiastic
• 1:10:36
  welcome, especially considering it is my first time I have come here, Uncle
• 1:10:42
  Jack. If you don't shake hands with Ernest, I will never forgive you,
• 1:10:46
  never forgive me, never, never, never. Well, this is
• 1:10:55
  the last time I shall ever do it. Shakespeare with Algernon and glares.
• 1:11:01
  It's pleasant, is it not? To see so perfect a reconciliation? I
• 1:11:05
  think we might leave the two brothers together. Cecily, you will come with
• 1:11:10
  us, certainly, Miss prison. My little task of reconciliation is over.
• 1:11:16
  You have done a beautiful action today, dear child. We must not be
• 1:11:21
  premature in our judgments. I feel very happy. They all go off except
• 1:11:28
  Jack and Algernon. You young scoundrel, Algie, you must get out of
• 1:11:35
  this place as soon as possible. I don't allow any bumbling here. Enter
• 1:11:42
  Merriman. I have put mister Ernest's things in the room next to yours,
• 1:11:47
  sir. I suppose that is all right. What mister Ernest's luggage, sir,
• 1:11:56
  I have unpacked it and put it in the room next to you.
• 1:11:59
  Your own his luggage, yes, sir. Three portmanteaus, a dressing case,
• 1:12:08
  two hatboxes, and a large luncheon basket. I am afraid I can't
• 1:12:15
  stay more than a week this time, merryman, order the dogcart at once.
• 1:12:20
  Mister Ernest has suddenly been called back to town, Yes, sir,
• 1:12:28
  goes back into the house. What a fearful liar you are. Jack,
• 1:12:33
  I have not been called back to town at all. Yes you have.
• 1:12:38
  I haven't heard anyone call me your duty as a gentleman calls you back.
• 1:12:44
  Why duty as a gentleman has never interfered with my pleasures in the smallest degree.
• 1:12:50
  I can quite understand that. Well, Cecily is a darling. You
• 1:12:59
  are not to talk of miscard. You like that, I don't like it.
• 1:13:03
  Well, I don't like your clothes. You look perfectly ridiculous in them.
• 1:13:08
  Why on earth don't you go up and change? It is perfectly childish
• 1:13:11
  to be in deep mourning for a man who is actually staying for a whole
• 1:13:14
  week with you in your house as a guest. I call it grotesque.
• 1:13:18
  You are certainly not staying with me for a whole week as a guest or
• 1:13:21
  anything else. You have got to leave by the four five train. I
• 1:13:28
  certainly won't leave so long as you are in mourning. It would be most
• 1:13:31
  unfriendly. If I were in mourning you would stay with me. I suppose
• 1:13:36
  I should think it very unkind. If you didn't, well, will you
• 1:13:42
  go if I change my clothes? Yes? If you are not too long.
• 1:13:47
  I never saw anybody take so long to dress, and with such little
• 1:13:50
  result. Well, at any rate, this is better than being always over
• 1:13:56
  dressed as you are. If I am a king hasionally a little over dressed,
• 1:14:01
  I make up for it by being always immensely over educated. Your vanity
• 1:14:08
  is ridiculous, your conduct and outrage, and your presence in my garden utterly
• 1:14:13
  absurd. However, you have got to catch the four or five, and
• 1:14:16
  I hope you will have a pleasant journey back to town. This bunburying,
• 1:14:19
  as you call it, has not been a great success for you. Goes
• 1:14:26
  into the house. I think it has been a great success. I'm in
• 1:14:30
  love with Cecily, and that is everything. Enter Cecily at the back of
• 1:14:35
  the garden. She picks up the can and begins to water the flowers.
• 1:14:41
  But I must see her before I go and make arrangements for another bunbury.
• 1:14:45
  Ah, there she is. Oh, I merely came back to water the
• 1:14:49
  roses. I thought you were with Uncle Jack. He's gone to order the
• 1:14:55
  dog cat for me. Oh, is he going to take you for a
• 1:14:59
  nice drive? He is going to send me away? Then? Have we
• 1:15:02
  got to part? I'm afraid so. It's a very painful parting. It
• 1:15:10
  is always painful to part from people whom one has known for a very brief
• 1:15:14
  space of time. The absence of old friends one can endure with equanimity,
• 1:15:19
  but even a momentary separation from any one to whom one has just been introduced
• 1:15:25
  is almost unbearable. Thank you, Enter Merriman. The dog cart is at
• 1:15:32
  the door. Sir Algernon looks appealingly at Cecily. It can wait Merriman for
• 1:15:40
  five minutes. Yes, miss except Merriman. I hope Cecily, I shall
• 1:15:47
  not offend you if I state, quite frankly and openly, that you seem
• 1:15:51
  to me to be, in every way the visible personification of absolute perfection.
• 1:16:00
  I think your frankness does you great credit, Ernest. If you will allow
• 1:16:03
  me, I will copy your remarks into my diary. Goes over to table
• 1:16:09
  and begins writing a diary. Do you really keep a diary? I'd give
• 1:16:14
  anything to look at it? May I oh no, puts her hand over
• 1:16:19
  it. You see, it is simply a very young girl's record of her
• 1:16:24
  own thoughts and impressions, and consequently meant for publication when it appears in volume
• 1:16:30
  form. I hope you will order a copy, but pray, Ernest,
• 1:16:34
  don't stop. I delight in taking down from dictation. I have reached absolute
• 1:16:41
  perfection. You can go on. I am quite ready for more. Somewhat
• 1:16:46
  taken aback ahem, ahem, Oh, don't cough, Ernest. When one
• 1:16:54
  is dictating, one should speak fluently and not cough. Besides, I don't
• 1:16:59
  know how to spell a off, writes as Algernon speaks Cecily. Ever since
• 1:17:05
  I first looked upon your wonderful and incomparable beauty, I have dared to love
• 1:17:13
  you wildly, passionately, devotedly, hopelessly. I don't think that you should
• 1:17:21
  tell me that you love me wildly, passionately, devotedly, hopelessly, hopelessly.
• 1:17:27
  Doesn't seem to make much sense, does it, Cecily enter Merriman.
• 1:17:34
  The dog cart is waiting, so tell it to come around next week at
• 1:17:39
  the same hour. Looks at Cecily, who makes no sign. Yes,
• 1:17:44
  Sir Merriman retires. Uncle Jack would be very much annoyed if he knew you
• 1:17:49
  were staying on till next week at the same hour. Oh, I don't
• 1:17:54
  care about Jack. I don't care for anybody in the whole world. But
• 1:17:58
  you, I love you. City. You will marry me, won't you?
• 1:18:04
  You silly boy? Of course, why we have been engaged for the
• 1:18:09
  last three months, For the last three months, yes, it will be
• 1:18:15
  exactly three months on Thursday. But how did we become engaged? Well,
• 1:18:23
  ever since dear uncle Jack first confessed to us that he had a younger brother
• 1:18:27
  who was very wicked and bad, you of course have formed the chief topic
• 1:18:30
  of conversation between myself and miss Prism. And of course, a man who
• 1:18:36
  has much talked about is always very attractive. One feels there must be something
• 1:18:42
  in him. After all, I dare say it was foolish of me,
• 1:18:45
  but I fell in love with you, Ernest Darling. And when was the
• 1:18:50
  engagement actually settled? On the fourteenth of February last. Worn out by your
• 1:18:57
  entire ignorance of my existence, I determined to end the matter one way or
• 1:19:01
  the other, and after a long struggle with myself, I accepted you under
• 1:19:06
  this dear old tree here. The next day I bought this little ring in
• 1:19:12
  your name. And this is the little bangle with the true lovers not I
• 1:19:15
  promised you always to wear. Did I give you this? It's very pretty,
• 1:19:21
  isn't it. Yes, you've wonderfully good taste, Ernest. It's the
• 1:19:26
  excuse I've always given for your leading such a bad life. And this is
• 1:19:30
  the box in which I keep all your dear letters. Niels at table opens
• 1:19:36
  box and produces letters tied up with blue ribbon. Why letters but my own,
• 1:19:43
  sweet Cecily, I have never written you any letters. You need hardly
• 1:19:47
  remind me of that. Ernest. I remember only too well that I was
• 1:19:51
  forced to write your letters for you. I wrote always three times a week,
• 1:19:57
  and sometimes oftener. Oh, do let me read them? Cecily,
• 1:20:02
  Oh, I couldn't possibly, they would make you far too conceited. Replace
• 1:20:08
  his box. The three you wrote me after I had broken off the engagement
• 1:20:13
  are so beautiful and so badly spelled that even now I can hardly read them
• 1:20:17
  without crying a little. What was our engagement ever broken off? Of course
• 1:20:25
  it was on the twenty second of last March. You can see the entry
• 1:20:29
  if you like Show's diary to day I broke off my engagement with Ernest.
• 1:20:36
  I feel it is better to do so. The weather still continues charming.
• 1:20:42
  But why on earth did you break it off? What had I done?
• 1:20:46
  I had done nothing at all, Necessily, I am very much hurt,
• 1:20:49
  indeed to hear you broke it off, particularly when the weather was so charming.
• 1:20:55
  It would hardly have been a really serious engagement if it hadn't been broken
• 1:20:59
  off at least once. But I forgave you before the week was out,
• 1:21:03
  crossing to her and kneeling. What perfect angel you are? Says it you,
• 1:21:11
  dear romantic boy. He kisses her. She puts her fingers through his
• 1:21:15
  hair. I hope your hair curls naturally, does it, Yes, Darling,
• 1:21:23
  with a little help from others. I am so glad you will never
• 1:21:28
  break off our engagement again, Cecily. I don't think I could break it
• 1:21:31
  off now that I have actually met you. Besides, of course, there
• 1:21:35
  is the question of your name. Yes, of course you must not laugh
• 1:21:43
  at me, darling. But it had always been a girlish dream of mine
• 1:21:46
  to love someone whose name was Ernest Algonon rises, Cecily. Also, there
• 1:21:51
  is something in that name that seems to inspire absolute confidence. I pity any
• 1:21:58
  poor married woman who husband is not called Ernest. But, my dear child,
• 1:22:03
  do you mean to say you could not love me if I had some
• 1:22:09
  other name? But what name? Oooh? Any name you like? Algernon,
• 1:22:17
  for instance, But I don't like the name of Algernon. Well,
• 1:22:24
  my own, dear, sweet, loving little darling, I really can't say
• 1:22:28
  why you should object to the name of Algernon. It is not at all
• 1:22:31
  a bad name. In fact, it is rather an aristocratic name. Half
• 1:22:38
  of the chaps who get into the bankruptcy court are called Algernon. But seriously,
• 1:22:42
  cecily moving to her. If my name was Algae, couldn't you love
• 1:22:48
  me? Rising? I might respect you, ernest, I might admire your
• 1:22:55
  character, but I fear that I should not be able to give you my
• 1:22:58
  undifided attention. Ahem is cssly picking up hat your rector? Here is I
• 1:23:08
  suppose thoroughly experienced in the practice of all the rights and centamo needles of the
• 1:23:14
  church. Oh? Yes, Doctor Chasibell is a most learned man. He
• 1:23:18
  has never written a single book, so you can imagine how much he knows.
• 1:23:24
  I must see him at once on the most important christening, I mean,
• 1:23:29
  on the most important business. Oh, I sha'n't be away for more
• 1:23:33
  than half an hour. Considering that we have been engaged since February the fourteenth,
• 1:23:40
  and that I only met you today for the first time, I think
• 1:23:43
  it is rather hard that you should leave me for so long a period as
• 1:23:46
  half an hour? Couldn't you make it twenty minutes. I'll be back in
• 1:23:51
  no time, kisses her and rushes down the garden. What an impetuous boy
• 1:23:57
  he is. I like his hair so much much. I must enter his
• 1:24:00
  proposal in my diary. Enter Merriman a Miss Fairfax has just called to see
• 1:24:08
  mister Worthing on very important business. Miss Fairfax estates, isn't mister Worthing in
• 1:24:15
  his library. Mister Worthing went over in the direction of the rectory some time
• 1:24:19
  ago. Pray ask the lady to come out here. Mister Worthing is sure
• 1:24:24
  to be back soon and you can bring tea. Yes, Miss goes out.
• 1:24:30
  Miss Fairfax. I suppose one of the many good elderly women who are
• 1:24:35
  associated with Uncle Jack in some of his philanthropic work in London. I don't
• 1:24:41
  quite like women who are interested in philanthropic work. I think it is so
• 1:24:45
  forward of them. And toer Merriman. Miss Fairfax enter Gwendolen exit Merriman,
• 1:24:53
  advancing to meet her. Pray, let me introduce myself to you. My
• 1:24:57
  name is Cecily card You Cecily Cardieu, moving to her and shaking hands.
• 1:25:03
  What a very sweet name. Something tells me that we are going to be
• 1:25:06
  great friends. I like you already more than I can say. My first
• 1:25:12
  impressions of people are never wrong. How nice of you to like me so
• 1:25:16
  much after we have known each other such a comparatively short time. Praise it
• 1:25:21
  down, still standing up. I may call you Cecily, may I not
• 1:25:28
  with pleasure, and you will always call me Gwendoline, won't you if you
• 1:25:33
  wish? Then that is all quite settled, is it not? I hope?
• 1:25:39
  So a pause they both sit down together. Perhaps this might be a
• 1:25:45
  favorable opportunity for my mentioning who I am. My father is Lord Bracknell.
• 1:25:53
  You've never heard of Papa, I suppose, I don't think so. Outside
• 1:25:58
  the family circle, Papa, I am glad to say, is entirely unknown.
• 1:26:01
  I think that is quite as it should be. The home seems to
• 1:26:05
  me to be the proper sphere for the man. And certainly, once a
• 1:26:09
  man begins to neglect his domestic duties, he becomes painfully effeminate, does he
• 1:26:13
  not? And I don't like that makes men so very attractive. Cecily.
• 1:26:19
  Mamma, whose views on education are remarkably strict, has brought me up to
• 1:26:24
  be extremely short sighted. It is part of her system. Should you mind
• 1:26:28
  my looking at you through my glasses? Oh not at all, Gwendolen,
• 1:26:32
  I am very fond of being looked at after examining Cecily carefully through the lorn
• 1:26:38
  Yet you are here on a short visit. I suppose, oh no,
• 1:26:44
  I live here. Really your mother, no doubt, as some female relative
• 1:26:49
  of Advancieers resides here. Also, Oh no, I have no mother,
• 1:26:55
  nor in fact any relations. Indeed, my dear guardian, with the assistance
• 1:27:01
  of Miss Prisom, has the arduous task of looking after me your guardian.
• 1:27:09
  Yes, I am mister Worthing's ward. Oh what is strange? She never
• 1:27:15
  mentioned to me that he had a ward. How secretive of him. He
• 1:27:18
  grows more interesting hourly. I am not sure, however, that the news
• 1:27:24
  inspires me with feelings of unmixed delight, rising and going to her. I
• 1:27:29
  am very fond of you, Cecily, I have liked you ever since I
• 1:27:31
  met you. But I am bound to state that now that I know that
• 1:27:35
  you are mister Worthing's Ward, I cannot help expressing a wish you were well,
• 1:27:41
  just a little older than you seem to be a not quite so very
• 1:27:43
  alluring an appearance. In fact, if I may speak candidly, pray,
• 1:27:47
  do I think that whenever one has anything unpleasant to say, one should always
• 1:27:51
  be quite candid, well to speak with perfect candor. Cecily, I wish
• 1:27:59
  that you were fully forty two and more than usually plain for your age.
• 1:28:02
  Ernest has a strong, upright nature. He's the very soul of truth and
• 1:28:06
  honor. Disloyalty would be as impossible to him as deception. But even men
• 1:28:12
  are the noblest possible moral character, or extremely susceptible to the influence of the
• 1:28:16
  physical charms of others. Mardern, no less than ancient history supplies us with
• 1:28:21
  many most painful examples of what I refer to. If it were not so,
• 1:28:26
  indeed, history would be quite unreadable. I beg your pardon, Gwendolen,
• 1:28:31
  did you say, Earnest? Yes, Oh, but it is not
• 1:28:35
  mister Ernest Worthing who is my guardian. It is his brother, his elder
• 1:28:41
  brother. Sitting down again, Ernest never mentioned to me that he had a
• 1:28:45
  brother. I am sorry to say. They have not been on good terms
• 1:28:50
  for a long time. That accounts for it. And now that I think
• 1:28:56
  of it, I have never heard any man mention his brother. The subject
• 1:29:00
  seems distasteful to most men. Cecily, you have lifted a load from my
• 1:29:04
  mind. I was growing almost anxious. It would have been terrible if any
• 1:29:10
  cloud had had come across a friendship like ours, Would it not of course,
• 1:29:14
  you are quite quite sure that it is not mister Ernest Worthing, who
• 1:29:17
  is your guardian. Quite sure a pause, in fact, I am going
• 1:29:26
  to be his. I beg your pardon, dearest Gwendolen. There is no
• 1:29:31
  reason why I should make a secret of it to you. Our little county
• 1:29:35
  newspaper is sure to chronicle the fact next week mister Ernest Worthing and I are
• 1:29:41
  engaged to be married. Quite politely, rising, my darling, Cecily,
• 1:29:46
  I think there must be some slight error. Mister Ernest Worthing is engaged to
• 1:29:54
  me. The announcement will appear in the morning Post on Saturday at the latest.
• 1:29:59
  Very plain rising, I am afraid you must be under some misconception.
• 1:30:03
  Ernest proposed to me exactly ten minutes ago. Show's diary. Examine's diary through
• 1:30:11
  her lorn yette carefully. It is certainly very curious for he asked me to
• 1:30:15
  be his wife yesterday afternoon at five thirty. If you would care to verify
• 1:30:20
  the insidant, pray do so. Produces diary of her own. I never
• 1:30:25
  travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the
• 1:30:29
  train. I am so sorry dear Cicely if it is any disappointment to you,
• 1:30:33
  But I am afraid I have the prior claim it would distress me more
• 1:30:39
  than I can tell you, Dear Gwendolen, if it caused you any mental
• 1:30:42
  or physical anguish. But I feel bound to point out that since Ernest proposed
• 1:30:46
  to you, he clearly has changed his mind. If the poor fellow has
• 1:30:51
  been entrapped into any foolish promise, I shall consider it my duty to rescue
• 1:30:57
  him at once and with a firm hand. Whatever unfortunate entanglement my dear boy
• 1:31:02
  may have got into, I will never reproach him with it after we are
• 1:31:05
  married. Do you allude to me, Miss Cardieu, as an entanglement?
• 1:31:13
  You are presumptuous. On an occasion of this kind, it becomes more than
• 1:31:16
  a moral duty to speak one's mind. It becomes a pleasure. Do you
• 1:31:21
  suggest, Miss Fairfax, that I entrapped Ernest into an engagement? How dare
• 1:31:28
  you? This is no time for wearing the shallow mask of manners. When
• 1:31:31
  I see a spade, I call it a spade. I am glad to
• 1:31:36
  say that I have never seen a spade. It is obvious that our social
• 1:31:40
  spheres have been widely different. Enter Merriman, followed by the footman. He
• 1:31:45
  carries a salver, tablecloth and plate stand. Cecily is about to retort.
• 1:31:51
  The presence of the servants exercises a restraining influence, under which both girls chaf
• 1:31:58
  Shall I lay to you here as usual? Miss yes, as usual?
• 1:32:03
  Merriman begins to clear table and lay cloth. A long pause, Cecily and
• 1:32:09
  Gwendolen glare at each other. Are the many interesting walks in the vicinity,
• 1:32:13
  Miss Cardo, Oh, yes, a great many. From the top of
• 1:32:18
  one of the hills, quite close one can see five counties, five counties.
• 1:32:24
  I don't think I should like that. I hate crowds. I suppose
• 1:32:28
  that is why you live in town. Gwendolen bites her lip and beats her
• 1:32:31
  foot nervously with her parasol. Looking around. Quite a well kept garden,
• 1:32:39
  this is, Miss Cardo, so glad you like it, Miss Fairfax.
• 1:32:43
  I had no idea there are any flowers in the country. Oh, flowers
• 1:32:48
  are as common here, Miss Fairfax as people are in London. Personally,
• 1:32:55
  I cannot understand how anybody manages to exist in the country. If anybody who
• 1:32:59
  is anybody does the country always bores me to death. Ah. This is
• 1:33:05
  what the newspapers call agricultural depression, is it not? I believe the aristocracy
• 1:33:11
  are suffering very much from it. Just at present it is almost an epidemic
• 1:33:15
  amongst them. I have been told, may I offer you some tea,
• 1:33:19
  Miss Fairfax, with elaborate politeness. Thank you aside, detestable girl, But
• 1:33:29
  I require tea sugar. No, thank you, Sugar is not fashionable anymore.
• 1:33:38
  Cecily looks angrily at her, takes up the tongs and puts four lumps
• 1:33:42
  of sugar into the cup. Cake or bread and butter, Bread and butter,
• 1:33:48
  please. Cake is rarely seen at the best houses nowadays. Cuts a
• 1:33:54
  very large slice of cake and puts it on the tray, hand that to
• 1:33:58
  Miss Fairfax does so and goes out with footmen. Gwendolen drinks the tea and
• 1:34:04
  makes a grimace, puts down cup at once, reaches out her hand to
• 1:34:09
  the bread and butter, looks at it and finds it his cake rises in
• 1:34:13
  indignation. You have filled my tea with lumps of sugar, and though I
• 1:34:18
  asked most distinctly for bread and butter, you have given me cake. I
• 1:34:24
  am known for the gentleness of my disposition and the extraordinary sweetness of my nature.
• 1:34:29
  But I warn you, miss Cardo, you may go too far rising
• 1:34:34
  to save my poor, innocent, trusting boy from the machinations of any other
• 1:34:40
  girl. There are no lengths to which I would not go. From the
• 1:34:44
  moment I saw you, I distrusted you. I felt that you were false
• 1:34:47
  and deceitful. I am never deceived in such manners. My first impressions of
• 1:34:51
  people are invariably right. It seems to me, Miss Fairfax, that I
• 1:34:57
  am trespassing on your valuable time. No doubt you have many other calls of
• 1:35:01
  a similar character to make in the neighborhood. Enter Jack, catching sight of
• 1:35:08
  him, earnest my own earnest Gwendolen Darling offers to kiss her, draws back
• 1:35:20
  a moment. May I ask you if you are engaged to be married to
• 1:35:26
  this young lady? Points to Cecily. Dear little Cecily, Oh, of
• 1:35:31
  course not. What could have put such an idea into your pretty little head?
• 1:35:39
  Thank you, you may, offers her cheek. I knew there must
• 1:35:44
  be some misunderstanding, Miss Fairfax. The gentleman whose arm is at present round
• 1:35:48
  your waist is my guardian, mister John Worthing. I beg your pardon.
• 1:35:54
  This is uncle Jack receding Jack. Oh, enter Algernon. Here is Ernest.
• 1:36:03
  Go straight over to Cecily, without noticing anyone else. My own love
• 1:36:11
  offers to kiss her, drawing back a moment, Ernest, May I ask
• 1:36:15
  you, are you engaged to be married to this young lady? Looking around?
• 1:36:24
  To what young lady? Good heavens and Gwendolen? Yes, to good
• 1:36:30
  Heaven's Gwendolen. I mean to Gwendolen, of course, not what could have
• 1:36:35
  put such an idea into your pretty little head? Thank you, presenting her
• 1:36:42
  cheek to be kissed. You may Algernon kisses her. I felt there was
• 1:36:47
  some slight error, Miss Cardio. The gentleman who is now embracing you is
• 1:36:53
  my cousin, mister Algernon Moncrief. Breaking away from Algernon, Algernon Moncrief.
• 1:37:00
  Oh, the two girls moved towards each other and put their arms round each
• 1:37:04
  other's with protection. Are you called Algernon? I cannot deny it? Oh
• 1:37:15
  is your name really? John? Standing rather proudly? I could deny it
• 1:37:21
  if I liked. I could deny anything if I liked. But my name
• 1:37:28
  certainly is John. It has been John for years. To Gwendolen, a
• 1:37:34
  gross deception has been practiced on both of us, My poor wounded Cecily,
• 1:37:43
  my sweet wronged Gwendolen. You will call me sister, will you not?
• 1:37:49
  They embrace Jack and Eldernan groan and walk up and down. There is just
• 1:37:56
  one question I would like to be allowed to ask, my guardian, an
• 1:38:00
  admirable idea, mister Worthing. There is just one question I would like to
• 1:38:04
  be permitted to put to you. Where is your brother Ernest. We are
• 1:38:09
  both engaged to be married to your brother Ernest, so it is a matter
• 1:38:13
  of some importance for us to know where your brother Ernest is at present.
• 1:38:17
  Gwendolen, Cicely, it is very painful for me to be forced to speak
• 1:38:25
  the truth. It is the first time in my life that I have ever
• 1:38:27
  been reduced to such a painful position, and I am really quite in experience
• 1:38:31
  in doing anything of the kind. However, I will tell you quite frankly
• 1:38:35
  that I have no brother, Ernest. I have no brother at all.
• 1:38:41
  I never had a brother in my life, and I certainly have not the
• 1:38:44
  smallest intention of ever having won in the future. No brother at all,
• 1:38:51
  none had you never a brother of any kind? Well, never, not
• 1:39:00
  even of any kind. I'm afraid it is quite clear, Cecily, that
• 1:39:06
  neither of us is engaged to be married to anyone. It is not a
• 1:39:11
  very pleasant position for a young girl suddenly to find herself in, is it.
• 1:39:15
  Let us go into the house. They will hardly venture to come after
• 1:39:19
  us there. No men are so cowardly, aren't they. They retire into
• 1:39:26
  the house with scornful looks. This ghastly state of things is what you call
• 1:39:31
  bunbering, I suppose, yes, and a perfectly wonderful bunberry. It is
• 1:39:38
  the most wonderful bunbury I have ever had in my life. Well, you
• 1:39:43
  have no right whatsoever to bunbury here, That is absurd. One has a
• 1:39:47
  right to bunbury anywhere one chooses. Every serious bunburiest knows that serious bunburriest.
• 1:39:58
  Oh good heavens, whill one must be serious about something if one wants to
• 1:40:04
  have any amusement in life. I happen to be serious about bunburying. What
• 1:40:09
  on earth you are serious about? I haven't got the remotest idea about everything
• 1:40:14
  I should fancy you have such an absolutely trivial nature. Well, the only
• 1:40:20
  small satisfaction I have in this hale of this wretched business is that your friend
• 1:40:27
  Bunbury is quite exploded. You won't be able to run down to the country
• 1:40:30
  quite so often as you used to, Dear Algae, and a very good
• 1:40:34
  thing too. Your brother is a little off color, isn't he, Dear
• 1:40:40
  Jack. You wouldn't be able to disappear to lun quite so frequently as your
• 1:40:45
  wicked custom was not a bad thing either. As for your conduct towards Miss
• 1:40:51
  card You, I must say that your taking in a sweet, simple,
• 1:40:56
  innocent girl like that is quite inexcusable. Say nothing of the fact that she
• 1:41:00
  is my ward. I can see no possible defense at all for your deceiving
• 1:41:05
  a brilliant, clever, thoroughly experienced young lady like Miss Fairfax, to say
• 1:41:11
  nothing of the fact that she is my cousin. I wanted to be engaged
• 1:41:15
  to Qwendland, that is all. I love her well, I simply want
• 1:41:20
  to be engaged to Cecily. I adore her. There is certainly no chance
• 1:41:27
  of you marrying misscard You. I don't think there is much likelihood, Jack
• 1:41:32
  of you and miss Fairfax being united. Well, that is no business of
• 1:41:40
  yours. If it was my business, I wouldn't talk about it. Begins
• 1:41:45
  to eat muffins. It is very vulgar to talk about one's business. Only
• 1:41:50
  people like stockbrokers do that, and then merely a dinner parties. How you
• 1:41:57
  can sit there calmly eating muffins when we are in this horrible trouble I can't
• 1:42:00
  make out. You seem to me to be perfectly heartless. Who will?
• 1:42:05
  I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on
• 1:42:10
  my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It's the only way
• 1:42:15
  to eat them. I say, it's perfectly heartless. You're eating muffins at
• 1:42:19
  all? Under the circumstances when I am in trouble, eating is the only
• 1:42:26
  thing that consoles me. Indeed, we're not even really great trouble, as
• 1:42:30
  anyone who knows me intimately will tell you. I refuse everything except food and
• 1:42:35
  drink. At the present moment. I am eating muffins because I am unhappy.
• 1:42:41
  Besides, I am particularly fond of muffins rising rising. Well, that
• 1:42:48
  is no reason why should eat them in that greedy way, takes muffins from
• 1:42:56
  Algernon offering tea cake. I wish you would have tea cake instead. I
• 1:43:03
  don't like tea cake. Good heavens. I suppose a man may eat his
• 1:43:09
  own muffins in his own garden. But you have just said that it was
• 1:43:14
  perfectly heartless to eat muffins. I said it was perfectly heartless of you under
• 1:43:20
  the circumstances. That is a very different thing. That may be, but
• 1:43:27
  the muffins are the same. He seizes the muffin dish from Jack and Jane.
• 1:43:34
  I wish to goodness you would go. You can't possibly ask me to
• 1:43:40
  go without having some dinner. It's absurd. I never go without my dinner.
• 1:43:45
  No one ever does, except vegetarians and people like that. Besides,
• 1:43:51
  I have just made arrangements with doctor Charsbell to be christened at a quarter to
• 1:43:56
  six under the name of Ernest, my dear. The sooner you give up
• 1:44:01
  that nonsense, the better. I made arrangements this morning with doctor Chosible to
• 1:44:06
  be christened myself at five point thirty, and I naturally will take the name
• 1:44:11
  of Ernest. Gwendolen would wish it we can't both be christened earnest. It's
• 1:44:15
  absurd. Besides, I have a perfect right to be christened if I like.
• 1:44:19
  There is no evidence at all that I have ever been christened by anybody,
• 1:44:24
  I should think it extremely probable I never was, and so does doctor
• 1:44:28
  Chosible. It is entirely different in your case. You have been christened already,
• 1:44:34
  yes, but I haven't been christened for years. Yes, but you
• 1:44:40
  have been christened. That is the important thing. Quite so, so I
• 1:44:45
  know my constitution can stand it. If you are not quite sure about your
• 1:44:50
  ever having been christened, I must say I think it rather dangerous. You're
• 1:44:55
  venturing on it now. It might make you very unwell. You can hardly
• 1:45:00
  have forgotten that someone very close connected with you was very nearly carried off this
• 1:45:05
  week in Paris by a severe chill. Yes, but you said yourself that
• 1:45:12
  a severe chill was not hereditary. It usedn't to be, I know,
• 1:45:17
  but I dare say it is now. A science is always making wonderful improvements
• 1:45:23
  and things. Picking up the muffin dish, Oh, that is nonsense.
• 1:45:29
  You are always talking nonsense. Jack, You are at the muffins again.
• 1:45:35
  I wish you wouldn't There are only two left takes them. I told you
• 1:45:42
  I was particularly fond of muffins, but I hate tea cake. Why on
• 1:45:48
  earth, then, do you allow tea cake to be served up for your
• 1:45:51
  guests? What ideas you have of hospitality? Algernon? I I've already told
• 1:46:00
  you to go. I don't want you here. Why don't you go?
• 1:46:04
  I haven't quite finished my tea yet, and there is still one muffin left.
• 1:46:11
  Jack groans and sinks into a chair. Algernon still continues eating. End
• 1:46:18
  of second act, third act scene, morning room at the manor house.
• 1:46:27
  Gwendolen and Cecily are at the window, looking out into the garden. The
• 1:46:31
  fact that they did not follow us at once into the house is as anyone
• 1:46:35
  else would have done, seems to me to show that they have some sense
• 1:46:39
  of shame left. They have been eating muffins that looks like repentance. They
• 1:46:45
  don't seem to notice us at all. Couldn't you cough? But I haven't
• 1:46:50
  got a cough. They're looking at us. What effrontery they're approaching. That's
• 1:46:58
  very forward of them. Let us preserve a dignified silence. Certainly, it's
• 1:47:04
  the only thing to do now, enter Jack, followed by Algernon. They
• 1:47:10
  whistle some dreadful popular air from a British opera. This dignified silence seems to
• 1:47:15
  produce an unpleasant effect, a most distasteful one. But we will not be
• 1:47:21
  the first to speak, certainly not, mister Worthing. I have something very
• 1:47:29
  particular to ask you. Much depends on your reply. Gwendolen, your common
• 1:47:34
  sense is invaluable. Mister Montcrief, kindly answer me the following question, Why
• 1:47:41
  did you pretend to be my guardian's brother in order that I might have an
• 1:47:45
  opportunity of meeting you? To Gwendolen, that certainly seems a satisfactory explanation,
• 1:47:55
  does it not, Yes, dear, if you can believe him. But
• 1:48:00
  that does not affect the wonderful beauty of his answer. True. In matters
• 1:48:05
  of grave importance, style not sincerity is the vital thing, mister Worthing.
• 1:48:12
  What explanation can you offer to me for pretending to have a brother? Was
• 1:48:16
  it in order that you might have an opportunity of coming up to town to
• 1:48:20
  see me as often as possible? Can you doubt it? Miss Fairfax?
• 1:48:27
  I have the gravest doubts upon the subject, but I intend to crush them.
• 1:48:30
  This is not the moment for German skepticism. Moving to Cecily, their
• 1:48:38
  explanations appear to be quite satisfactory, especially mister Worthings. That seems to me
• 1:48:43
  to have the stumper truth upon it. I am more than content with what
• 1:48:47
  mister Montcrief said. His voice alone inspires one with absolute credulity. Then you
• 1:48:55
  think we should forgive them? Yes, I mean no, true, I
• 1:49:00
  had forgotten. There are principles at stake that one cannot surrender. Which of
• 1:49:05
  us should tell them? The task is not a pleasant one? Could we
• 1:49:11
  not both speak at the same time? An excellent idea. I nearly always
• 1:49:15
  speak at the same time as other people. Will you take the time from
• 1:49:18
  me? Certainly? Gwendolen beads time with uplifted finger. Speaking together, your
• 1:49:26
  Christian names are still an inseparable burial. That is all? Speaking together?
• 1:49:33
  Is that all? But we are going to be christened this afternoon to Jack
• 1:49:40
  for my sake, you are prepared to do this terrible thing I am to
• 1:49:45
  Algernon to please me. You are ready to face this fearful ordeal. I
• 1:49:53
  am how absurd to talk of the equality of the sexes where questions of self
• 1:49:58
  sacrifice are concerned, the men are infinitely beyond us. We are clasps hands
• 1:50:04
  with Algernon. They have moments of physical courage of which we women know absolutely
• 1:50:10
  nothing. To Jack Darling, to Cecily Darling, they fall into each other's
• 1:50:18
  arms. Enter Merriman. When he enters, he coughs loudly, seeing the
• 1:50:24
  situation. Lady Bracknell, God heavens, Enter Lady Bracknell. The couple separate
• 1:50:33
  an alarm except Merriman. Gwendolyn, what does this mean? Merely that I
• 1:50:42
  am engaged to be married to mister Worthing. Mamma, come here, sit
• 1:50:46
  down, Sit down immediately. Hesitation of any kind is a sign of mental
• 1:50:51
  decay in the young, of physical weakness in the old. Turns to Jack.
• 1:50:57
  Apprized, Sir, of my daughter's sudden flight by her trusty maid,
• 1:51:00
  whose confidence I purchased by means of a small coin. I followed her at
• 1:51:04
  once by a luggage train. Her unhappy father is I am glad to say,
• 1:51:10
  under the impression that she is attending a more than usually lengthy lecture by
• 1:51:14
  the University Extension scheme on the influence of a permanent income on thought, but
• 1:51:18
  I do not propose to undeceive him. Indeed, I have never undeceived him
• 1:51:23
  on any question. I would consider it wrong. But of course you will
• 1:51:27
  clearly understand that all communication between yourself and my daughter must cease immediately from this
• 1:51:32
  moment. On this point, as indeed on all points, I am firm.
• 1:51:38
  I am engaged to be married to Gwendolen. Lady Bracknell, you are
• 1:51:43
  nothing of the kind, sir. And now as regards Algernon, Algernon,
• 1:51:48
  Yes, Aunt Augusta, may I ask if it is in this house that
• 1:51:54
  your invalid friend, mister Bunbury resides. Ooh, no, Bunbury doesn't live
• 1:52:01
  here. Bunbury is somewhere else at present. In fact, Bunbury is dead
• 1:52:09
  dead. When did mister Bunbury die? His death must have been extremely sudden.
• 1:52:15
  Oh. I killed Bunbury this afternoon. I mean, poor Bunbury died
• 1:52:20
  this afternoon. What did he die? Of Bunbury? Oh? He was
• 1:52:27
  quite exploded? Exploded? Was he the victim of a revolutionary outrage? I
• 1:52:31
  was not aware that mister Bunbury was interested in social legislation. If so,
• 1:52:36
  he is well punished for his morbidity, my dear aunt Augusta. I mean
• 1:52:41
  he was found out. The doctors found out that Bunbury could not live.
• 1:52:47
  That is what I mean. Is so Bunbury died. He seems to have
• 1:52:53
  had great confidence in the opinion of his physicians. I am glad, however,
• 1:52:58
  that he has made up his mind at the last to some definite course
• 1:53:00
  of action and acted under proper medical advice. And now that we have finally
• 1:53:04
  got rid of this mister Bungry maya asked mister Worthing, who is that young
• 1:53:09
  person whose hand my nephew Algernon is now holding in what seems to me a
• 1:53:14
  particularly unnecessary manner. That lady is Miss Cecily. Card you, my ward.
• 1:53:21
  Lady Bracknell bows coldly to Cecily. I am engaged to be married to
• 1:53:27
  Cecily. Aunt Augusta. I beg your pardon, mister Montcrief, and I
• 1:53:31
  are engaged to be married, Lady Bracknell with a shiver, crossing to the
• 1:53:36
  sofa and setting down. I do not know whether there is anything particularly exciting
• 1:53:42
  in the air of this particular part of Hertfordshire, but the number of engagements
• 1:53:45
  that go on seems to me considerably above the proper average that statistics have laid
• 1:53:50
  down for our guidance. I think some preliminary inquiry on my part would not
• 1:53:56
  be out of place. Mister Worthing, is Miss Cardew at all connected with
• 1:54:00
  any of the larger railway stations in London. I merely desire information. Until
• 1:54:05
  yesterday I had no idea that there were any families or persons whose origin was
• 1:54:10
  a terminus. Jack looks perfectly furious, but restrains himself. Miss Cardiu is
• 1:54:16
  the granddaughter of the late mister Thomas Cardu of one four nine Belgrave Square,
• 1:54:21
  Southwest Jervy's Park, Dorking, Surrey, and the sporign feifscher n B.
• 1:54:30
  That sounds not unsatisfactory. Three addresses always inspire confidence, even in tradesmen.
• 1:54:36
  But what proof have I of their authenticity? I have carefully preserved the court
• 1:54:42
  guides of the period. They are open to your inspection, Lady Bracknell.
• 1:54:45
  I have known strange errors in that publication. Miss Cardhu's family solicitors are monsieurs
• 1:54:53
  Markby, Markby and Markby, mark By, Markby and Markby, a firm
• 1:54:59
  of the very highest position in their profession. Indeed, I am told that
• 1:55:02
  one of the mister Markby's is occasionally to be seen at dinner parties. So
• 1:55:06
  far I am satisfied. How extremely kind of you, Lady Bracknell. I
• 1:55:14
  have also in my position, you will be pleased to hear certificate of Miss
• 1:55:18
  Cardu's birth, baptism, whooping cough registration, vaccination confirmation, and the measles,
• 1:55:25
  both the German and the English variety. Ah a life crowded with incident,
• 1:55:31
  I see, though perhaps somewhat too exciting for a young girl. I
• 1:55:35
  am not myself in favor of premature experiences. Rise's looks at her watch Gwendolen.
• 1:55:44
  The time approaches for our departure. We have not a moment to lose.
• 1:55:47
  As a matter of for mister Worthing, had I better ask you if
• 1:55:50
  miss Cardu has any little fortune about one hundred and thirty thousand pounds US in
• 1:56:00
  the funds. That is all. Good bye, Lady Bracknow so pleased to
• 1:56:04
  have seen you sitting down again a moment Mister Worthing a hundred and thirty thousand
• 1:56:13
  pounds and in the funds. Miss card seems to me a most attractive young
• 1:56:18
  lady, now that I look at her, few girls of the present day
• 1:56:23
  have any really solid qualities, any of the qualities that last and improve with
• 1:56:27
  time we live. I regret to say, in an age of surfaces,
• 1:56:31
  to Cecily, come over here, Dear Cicely goes across, pretty child.
• 1:56:39
  Your dress is sadly simple, and your hair seems almost as nature might have
• 1:56:43
  left it. But we can soon alter all that. A thoroughly experienced French
• 1:56:47
  maid produces a really marvelous result in a very brief space of time. I
• 1:56:53
  remember recommending one to young lady Lansing, and after three months her own husband
• 1:56:58
  did not know her, and after six months nobody knew her. Glare's at
• 1:57:04
  Jack for a few moments, then Ben's with a practiced smile to Cecily,
• 1:57:10
  kindly, turn around, sweet child. Cecily turns completely round. No,
• 1:57:14
  the side view is what I want. Cecily presents her profile. Yes,
• 1:57:18
  quite as I expected. There are distinct social possibilities in your profile. The
• 1:57:25
  two week points in our age are its want of principle and its want of
• 1:57:29
  profile. The chin a little higher, dear, style largely depends on the
• 1:57:33
  way the chin is worn. They are worn very high just at present.
• 1:57:38
  Aldronon Yes, Aunt Augusta, there are distinct social possibilities in miss Carter's profile.
• 1:57:45
  Cecily is the sweetest, dearest, prettiest girl in the whole world.
• 1:57:51
  And I don't care two pens about social possibilities. Never speak disrespectfully of society,
• 1:58:00
  Algernon. Only people who can't get into it. Do that to Cecily,
• 1:58:04
  dear child. Of course, you know that Algernon has nothing but his
• 1:58:09
  debts to depend on. But I do not approve of mercenary marriages. When
• 1:58:13
  I married Lord Bracknell, I had no fortune of any kind, but I
• 1:58:16
  never dreamed for a moment of allowing that to stand in my way. Well,
• 1:58:20
  I suppose I must give my consent. Thank you, Aunt Augusta.
• 1:58:26
  Cecily, you may kiss me kisses her. Thank you, Lady Bracknell.
• 1:58:31
  You may also address me as Aunt Augusta. For the future, Thank you,
• 1:58:35
  Aunt Augusta. The marriage I think had better take place quite soon.
• 1:58:41
  Thank you, Aunt Augusta. Thank you, Aunt Augusta. To speak frankly,
• 1:58:46
  I am not in favor of long engagements. They give people the opportunity
• 1:58:50
  of finding out each other's character before marriage, which I think is never advisable.
• 1:58:56
  I beg your pardon for interrupting you, Lady Bracknell, But this engagement
• 1:59:00
  is quite out of the question. I am Miscardu's guardian, and she cannot
• 1:59:05
  marry without my consent until she comes of age. That consent I absolutely decline
• 1:59:12
  to give. Upon what grounds may I ask? Algernon is an extremely and
• 1:59:17
  may I say, an ostentatiously eligible young man. He has nothing, but
• 1:59:23
  he looks everything. What more can one desire? It pains me very much
• 1:59:29
  to have to speak frankly to you, Lady Bracknell, about your nephew.
• 1:59:34
  But the fact is I do not approve at all of his moral character.
• 1:59:40
  I suspect him of being untruthful Algernon, and cicely look at him in indignant
• 1:59:46
  amazement. Untruthful, my nephew, Algernon impossible. He is an Oxonian.
• 1:59:55
  I fear there can be no possible doubt about the matter. This afternoon,
• 1:59:59
  during my temper absence in London on an important question of romance, he obtained
• 2:00:03
  admission to my house by means of a false pretense of being my brother under
• 2:00:09
  an assumed name. He drank. I just been informed by my butler in
• 2:00:14
  entire pint a bottle of Perrier Joue Brew eighty nine wine, I was specifically
• 2:00:20
  reserving for myself. Continuing his disgraceful deception, he succeeded in the course of
• 2:00:26
  the afternoon in alienating the affections of my only ward. He subsequently stated tea
• 2:00:31
  and devoured every single muffin. And what makes his conduct all the more heartless
• 2:00:39
  is that he was perfectly well aware from the first that I have no brother,
• 2:00:44
  that I never had a brother, and that I don't intend to have
• 2:00:46
  a brother, not even of any kind. I distinctly told him so myself
• 2:00:51
  yesterday afternoon. Hum, mister Worthing. After careful consideration, I have decided
• 2:00:59
  entirely to overlook my nephew's conduct to you. Oh, that is very generous
• 2:01:03
  of you, Lady Bracknell. My own decision, however, is unalterable.
• 2:01:09
  I decline to give my consent to Cecily. Come here, sweet child.
• 2:01:15
  Cecily goes over. How old are you, dear? Well, I am
• 2:01:21
  really only eighteen, but I always admit to twenty when I go to evening
• 2:01:27
  parties. You are perfectly right in making some slight alteration. Indeed, no
• 2:01:31
  woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating eighteen,
• 2:01:38
  but admitting to twentieth evening parties will, it will not be very long
• 2:01:42
  before you are of age and free from the restraints of tutelage. So I
• 2:01:45
  don't think your guardian's consent is after all a matter of any importance. Pray
• 2:01:50
  excuse me, Lady Bracknell, for interrupting you again, but it is only
• 2:01:57
  fair to tell you that, according to the terms of her grand will miscaard
• 2:02:00
  you, does not legally come of age until she is thirty five. That
• 2:02:06
  does not seem to me to be a grave objection. Thirty five is a
• 2:02:11
  very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth
• 2:02:15
  who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty five for years.
• 2:02:20
  Lady Dumbleton is an instance in point, to my own knowledge, she has
• 2:02:24
  been thirty five ever since she arrived at the age of forty, which was
• 2:02:28
  many years ago. Now I see no reason why our dear Cecily should not
• 2:02:32
  be even still more attractive at the age you mentioned than she is at present.
• 2:02:36
  There will be a large accumulation of property algae. Could you wait for
• 2:02:41
  me till I was thirty five? Of course, I could, Cecily,
• 2:02:45
  you know I could, Yes, I felt it instinctively, but I couldn't
• 2:02:50
  wait all that time. I hate waiting even five minutes for anybody. It
• 2:02:56
  always makes me rather cross. I am not punctual myself, I know,
• 2:03:00
  but I do like punctuality in others. And waiting even to be married is
• 2:03:05
  quite out of the question. Then what is to be done, Cecily,
• 2:03:11
  I don't know, mister Moncrief, My dear mister Worthing, as Miss Curdus
• 2:03:15
  states positively that she cannot wait till she is thirty five, a remark which
• 2:03:18
  I am bound to say, seems to me to show us somewhat impatient nature.
• 2:03:23
  I would beg of you to reconsider your decision, But my dear Lady
• 2:03:28
  Bracknell, the matter is entirely in your own hands. The moment you consent
• 2:03:32
  to my marriage with Gwendolen, I will gladly allow your nephew to form an
• 2:03:38
  alliance with my ward rising and drawing herself up. You must be quite aware
• 2:03:43
  that what you propose is out of the question. Then a passionate celibacy is
• 2:03:48
  all that any of us can look forward to. That is not the destiny
• 2:03:54
  I propose for Gwendolen. Algernon, of course, can choose for himself.
• 2:03:58
  Pulls out her watch. Come, dear Gwendolen rises. We have already missed
• 2:04:03
  five, if not six, trains. To miss any more might expose us
• 2:04:09
  to comment on the platform, entered Doctor Charlesible. Everything is quite ready for
• 2:04:14
  the christenings. The christenings, sir? Is that not somewhat premature? Looking
• 2:04:19
  rather puzzled and pointing to Jack and Algernon, both these gentlemen have expressed a
• 2:04:25
  desire for immediate baptism at their age. The idea is gross and irreligious,
• 2:04:31
  Algernon, I forbid you to be baptized. I will not hear of such
• 2:04:35
  excesses. Lord Bracknell would be highly displeased if he learned that that was the
• 2:04:40
  way in which you wasted your time and money? Am I to understand then
• 2:04:45
  that there are to be no Christenings at all this afternoon? I don't think
• 2:04:49
  that, as things are now, it would be of much practical use to
• 2:04:55
  either of us, Doctor Chosible, I am grieved to hear such sentiments from
• 2:05:00
  mister Worthing the savor of the heretical views of the Anabaptists, views that I
• 2:05:05
  have completely refuted in four of my unpublished sermons. However, as your present
• 2:05:13
  mood seems to be one particularly secular, I will return to the church at
• 2:05:17
  once. Indeed, I have just been informed by the pew opener that for
• 2:05:23
  the last hour and a half Miss Prism has been waiting for me in the
• 2:05:26
  vestry starting Miss Prism. Did I hear you mention a Miss Prism? Yes,
• 2:05:33
  Lady Wagnell, I'm on my way to join her. Allow me to
• 2:05:38
  detain you for a moment. This matter may prove to be one of vital
• 2:05:41
  importance to Lord Bracknell and myself. Is this Miss Prism a female of repellent
• 2:05:46
  aspect remotely connected with education? She is the most cultivated of ladies and the
• 2:05:53
  very picture of respectability. It is obviously the same person. May I ask
• 2:05:58
  what position she holds in your house? I am a sellimant madam interposing Miss
• 2:06:05
  Prism. Lady Bracknell has been for the last three years, Miss card who's
• 2:06:12
  esteemed governess and valued companion. In spite of what I hear of her,
• 2:06:18
  I must see her at once. Let her be sent for looking off she
• 2:06:24
  preaches, she is not enter. Miss Prism hurriedly I will told you expected
• 2:06:30
  me. The vest Ratia Canon. I've been waiting for you there for an
• 2:06:33
  hour and three quarters catches sight of Lady Bracknell, who has fixed her with
• 2:06:38
  a stony glare. Miss Prism grows pale and quails. She looks anxiously round,
• 2:06:43
  as if desirous to escape Prism. Miss Prism bows her head in shame.
• 2:06:49
  Come here, Prism. Miss Prism approaches in a humble manner, Prism,
• 2:06:55
  where is that baby? General consternation. The Canons are back in horror.
• 2:07:01
  Algernon and Jack pretend to be anxious to shield Cecily and Gwendolen from hearing
• 2:07:05
  the details of a terrible public scandal twenty eight years ago. Prism, you
• 2:07:11
  left Lord Bracknell's house, number one oh four Upper Grosvenor Street, in charge
• 2:07:15
  of a perambulator that contained a baby of the male sex. You never returned.
• 2:07:21
  A few weeks later, through the elaborate investigations of the Metropolitan Police,
• 2:07:26
  the perambulator was discovered at midnight, standing by itself in a remote corner of
• 2:07:30
  Bayswater. It contained the manuscript of a three volume novel of more than usually
• 2:07:35
  revolting sentimentality. Miss Prism starts in involuntary indignation. But the baby was not
• 2:07:43
  there. Everyone looks at miss Prism. Prism, where is that baby?
• 2:07:49
  A pause, Lady Bracknell, I admit with shame that I do not know.
• 2:07:57
  I only wish I did. The plain fact of the case are these
• 2:08:01
  On the morning of the day you mention, a day that is forever branded
• 2:08:05
  on my memory, I prepared, as usual to take the baby out in
• 2:08:09
  its perambulator. I had also with me somewhat old but capacious handbag in which
• 2:08:15
  I had intended to place the manuscript of a work of fiction that I had
• 2:08:18
  written during my few unoccupied hours. In a moment of mental abstraction for which
• 2:08:24
  I can never forgive myself, I deposited the manuscript in the bassinet and placed
• 2:08:28
  the baby in the hand bag. Who has been listening attentively, But where
• 2:08:35
  did you deposit the hand bag? Do not ask me, mister Worthing,
• 2:08:41
  Miss Prism, This is a matter of no small importance to me. I
• 2:08:46
  insist on knowing where you deposited the hand bag that contained that infant. I
• 2:08:50
  left it in the cloak room of one of the larger railway stations of London.
• 2:08:54
  What railway station quite crushed. Victoria is the brighton line sinks into a
• 2:09:05
  chair. Oh, I must retire to my room for a moment. Quinlon,
• 2:09:11
  wait here for me. If you are not too long, I will
• 2:09:15
  wait here for you all my life. Exit Jack in great excitement. What
• 2:09:22
  do you think this means, Lady Blacknell, I dare not even suspect,
• 2:09:26
  Doctor Chazybell, I need hardly tell you that in families of high position,
• 2:09:31
  strange coincidences are not supposed to occur. They are hardly considered. The thing
• 2:09:37
  noise is heard overhead, as if someone were throwing trunks about. Everyone looks
• 2:09:43
  up. Uncle Jack seems strangely agitated. Your guardian has a very emotional nature.
• 2:09:50
  This noise is extremely unpleasant. It sounds as if he was having an
• 2:09:54
  argument. I dislike arguments of any kind. They are always vulgar and often
• 2:09:58
  convincing. Looking up, it has stopped. Now, the noises redoubled.
• 2:10:05
  I wish you would arrive at some conclusion. This suspense is terrible. I
• 2:10:11
  hope it will last. Entered Jack with a hand bag of black leather in
• 2:10:15
  his hand, rushing over to miss prism. Is this the handbag in this
• 2:10:20
  prism? Examine it? Carefully before you speak. The happiness of more than
• 2:10:22
  one life depends on your answer. It seems to be mine. Yes.
• 2:10:28
  Here is the injuried received through the upsetting of a gower street omnibus in younger
• 2:10:33
  and happier days. Here is the stain on the lining caused by the explosion
• 2:10:37
  of a temperance beverage, an incident that occurred at Leamington. And here on
• 2:10:43
  the lock are my initials. I had forgotten that, in an extravagant mood,
• 2:10:48
  I had had them placed there. The bag is undoubtedly mine. I
• 2:10:52
  am delighted to have it so unexpectedly restored to me. It has been a
• 2:10:56
  great inconvenience being without it in all these years. Is this prison more is
• 2:11:03
  restored to you than this handbag? I was the baby you placed it you
• 2:11:09
  embracing her. Yes, mother, recoiling in indignant astonishment, mister Worthing,
• 2:11:18
  I'm unmarried. Unmarried, I do not deny that is a serious blow.
• 2:11:26
  But after all, who has the right to cast a stone against one who
• 2:11:30
  has suffered? Cannot repentance wipe out an act of folly? Why should there
• 2:11:35
  be one law for men in another for women? Mother? I forgive you
• 2:11:39
  tries to embrace her again, still more indignant. Mister Worthing, there is
• 2:11:46
  some error, pointing to Lady Bracknall, there is the lady who can tell
• 2:11:50
  you who you really are. After a pause, Lady Bracknell, I hate
• 2:12:01
  to seem inquisitive, but would you kindly inform me who I am? I
• 2:12:09
  am afraid that the news I have to give you will not altogether please you.
• 2:12:13
  You are the son of my poor sister, missus Moncrief, and consequently
• 2:12:18
  Algernon's elder brother, Algae's elder brother. Then I have a brother. After
• 2:12:28
  all, I knew I had a brother. I always said I had a
• 2:12:33
  brother. Cetely, how could you have ever doubted that I had a brother?
• 2:12:37
  Seize his hold of Algernon, Doctor Chosible, my unfortunate brother, Miss
• 2:12:41
  Prism, my unfortunate brother. Gwendolin, my unfortunate brother Algae, You young
• 2:12:48
  scoundrel. You will have to treat me with more respect in the future.
• 2:12:50
  You have never behaved to me like a brother in all your life, well
• 2:12:56
  not till today, old boy. I admit I did my best, however,
• 2:13:01
  though I was out of practice. Shakes hands to jack my own.
• 2:13:07
  But what own are you, what is your Christian name? Now that you
• 2:13:13
  have become someone else? Good heavens, I'd quite forgotten that point. Your
• 2:13:20
  decision on the subject of my name is irrevocable. I suppose I never changed
• 2:13:26
  except to my affections. What a noble nature you have, Gwendolen. Then
• 2:13:31
  the question had better be cleared up at once, Aunt Augusta a moment at
• 2:13:37
  the time when miss prison left me in the handbag? Had I been christened?
• 2:13:41
  Already? Every luxury that money could buy, including christening, had been
• 2:13:46
  lavished on you by your fond and dirting parents. Then I was christened.
• 2:13:52
  That is settled. Now what name was I given? Let me know the
• 2:13:56
  worst, being the eldest son, you were naturally christened after your father?
• 2:14:01
  Yes, but what was my father's Christian name? I cannot at the present
• 2:14:07
  moment recall what the general's Christian name was, but I have no doubt he
• 2:14:11
  had one. He was eccentric, I admit, but only in later years,
• 2:14:16
  and that was the result of the Indian climate and marriage and indigestion and
• 2:14:18
  other things of that kind. Algie, can't you recollect what our father's Christian
• 2:14:24
  name was? My dear boy, we were never even on speaking terms.
• 2:14:31
  He died before I was a year old. His name would appear on the
• 2:14:35
  army lists of the period I suppose on AUGUSTA. The general was essentially a
• 2:14:39
  man of peace, except in his domestic life. But I have no doubt
• 2:14:43
  his name would appear in any military directory, the army list of the last
• 2:14:46
  forty years. I hear these delightful records should have been my constant study.
• 2:14:52
  Rushes to bookcase and tears the books out. M General's Madam Maximell Magley,
• 2:15:01
  What castling names they have mark by mixed mes Moncrief lieutenant eighteen forty, captain,
• 2:15:07
  lieutenant, colonel, colonel generally eighteen sixty nine, Christian names. Ernest
• 2:15:13
  John puts book very quietly down and speaks quite calmly. I have always told
• 2:15:18
  you, Gwendolyn, my name was Ernest. No, well, it is
• 2:15:22
  Ernest after all, I mean, it naturally is Ernest. Yes, I
• 2:15:30
  remember now that the general was called Ernest. I knew I had some particular
• 2:15:33
  reason for disliking the name Ernest, my own Earnest. I felt from the
• 2:15:41
  first that you could have no other name, Gwendolen. It is a terrible
• 2:15:46
  thing for a man to find out suddenly that all his life he has been
• 2:15:50
  speaking nothing but the truth. Can you forgive me? I can, for
• 2:15:56
  I feel that you are sure to change my own one to miss prism.
• 2:16:05
  Letitia embraces her, Frederick at last, hessanly embraces her at last. Gwendolen
• 2:16:20
  embraces her at last, My nephew, you seem to be displaying signs of
• 2:16:26
  triviality. On the contrary, Aunt Augusta, I have now realized for the
• 2:16:31
  first time in my life the vital importance of being earnest end of the third
• 2:16:41
  Act. End of the Importance of Being Earnest by Oscar Wilde