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Rediscovering Life's Purpose (Light in the Dark) Psych2Go's Stories · A Capture Deep Vibs A Positive Space For Inspiration And Embracing Of Heart

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: I can't remember a time when I didn't hate myself.
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: It's a truth that haunts me every day. A ghost
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: that pokes at my heart, my mind. See, here's the
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: thing with depression. It creeps up on you. It might
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: be slow at first, but when it hits you, it
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: chokes you until you cannot breathe. Strange, really. How it
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: felt like just months ago I was fine, and now
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: I feel like I'm drowning. But depression doesn't always come
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: slow No, it can crash upon you like a wave
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  Speaker 1: when you're least expecting it. It started with the small things.
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: Sleeping in a little later. Eating a little less. Feeling drowsy, tired,
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: and unmotivated. Feeling different emotions for no reason at all.
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: Things I brushed off like nothing. Now, it stays in bed.
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: Now it's entire meals skipped. Now it's a messy house.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: Now it's numbness. My phone rings. It's 1pm and I'm
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: borrowed beneath a pile of blankets. I really don't want
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: to pick up that call. I just want to go
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: and close my eyes and shut off the buzz of
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: the world. I give myself a quick peek at my
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: phone and my gut twists when I see it reads, Mom.
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: I still hesitate. I just want to go back to bed.
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: Why are all these people bothering me? I feel guilty though.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: My mother is probably worried and I haven't even looked
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: at my phone in three days. As I reluctantly rise,
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: I numbly gather that I am sitting in a room
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: that reeks of rotten food, with piles of laundry rising
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: like towers around me, and somehow I do not care.
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: I don't remember when there was a time that I did. Hi, Mom.
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: I say weekly. My voice cracks with days of un-use.
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: Her soft, troubled voice makes me wince. She asks if
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: I'm okay. She asks if I've eaten. She asks if
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: the house is cleaned. I answer shortly to everything. One
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: word responses, and I think that troubles her even more,
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: though I can't know for sure. I'm not quite sure
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: of anything these days. I expect her to ask me
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  Speaker 1: these questions, to be concerned for me. It surprises me
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  Speaker 1: a little, though, when her voice turns hard and she says,
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  Speaker 1: You used to be so much more. Now, it's like
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  Speaker 1: you are nothing. Hurt comes in a wave that shocks me,
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  Speaker 1: for it is one of the starkest feelings I have
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  Speaker 1: felt in a very, very long time. It hurts me
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: because she is right. Because it is a truth so
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: harsh that strips and reveals me. Two months ago, I
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: was on the verge of promotion in my career, in
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: a healthy relationship and surrounded by supportive friends. Now, I
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: grieve for the life I had. I haven't talked to
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: my partner or friends in days. Work emails flood my
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: inbox and I surely lost that promotion that I worked
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: so hard to get. It surprises me that this all
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: makes me mourn the life I had. I expect to
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: bury myself back under the sheets of my bed and
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: live the rest of my day away from the world. Instead, though,
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: I find myself peeling back the covers, my feet touching
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: the floor, then walking to the kitchens. I take one
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: look at the kitchen, dishes piled up high, food scattered
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: all over the counter, and for the first time in weeks,
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: I feel something like a spark festering in my mind,
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: telling me to clean that dish. Wipe down the counters. So,
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: I spend the next hour cleaning my kitchen. My mind
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: is still a little numb. but it gives me hope
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: when slowly some of the wheels start turning in my
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: head once again. When the kitchen is spotless, gleaming in
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  Speaker 1: a way it hasn't before, I feel so very proud
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: of myself. My eyes shift next to the messy living room,
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: but suddenly the thought of cleaning it overwhelms me. So
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: I think baby steps and end the day with a
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: small smile on my face. hope at last takes root
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: in my heart i say to myself thank you for
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: cleaning up thank you for knowing your limits thank you
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: for trying the next morning i convinced myself that staying
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: in bed would just be easier i can feel the
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: momentary high from accomplishing something yesterday wearing off that numbness
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  Speaker 1: is in my mind again and i just feel so
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  Speaker 1: tired I have no motivation to get up, and I
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  Speaker 1: hate myself a little as I give in to my
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: wants and go back to bed. I feel guilty and
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: like a failure when I spend the day again, borrowed
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: beneath my sheets, avoiding the world. I feel frozen. I
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: feel distant. So much self-hatred burns through me, but I
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: don't have the energy to do anything about it. I
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: feel so many things, but I just can't. get up.
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  Speaker 1: The next day, I decide it's a new morning with
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  Speaker 1: new possibilities. Guilt and remorse still churn in me for
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: wasting a day, but I know I can atone for
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  Speaker 1: it by making the most of this one. I make
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: my bed. I even get ready to go for a walk,
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  Speaker 1: which I haven't done in months. Just as I'm about
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  Speaker 1: to leave, I notice a slip of paper on the
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  Speaker 1: counter and recognize it as my therapist's phone number. The
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: thought of calling her scares me, but I don't even
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  Speaker 1: think of it as I slip it into my pocket.
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: The sky is blue. The breeze. Gentle. It washes out
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: my mind. Clears it out and suddenly I feel sharp
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: in a way I haven't been in a long, long time.
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: For a while, I just walk. Just me and the
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: open sky. And I cannot remember the last time I
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: felt so focused. So sure. Soon, I let my hand
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: reach for the paper with the faded phone number. I
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: stop and stare at it, and for a moment, fear
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: and logic war in my mind. Speaking my feelings and
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: being so vulnerable has always scared me, though I know
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  Speaker 1: it is an essential step if I want to have
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: my life back. So, I stop as I dial the number.
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  Speaker 1: Her voice, calm in its way, floods my ears and
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  Speaker 1: relaxes me. She has her way of doing that, Her
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  Speaker 1: voice alone, able to take a weight off my shoulders. So,
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: right then and there, under the shade of a tree,
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  Speaker 1: I pour my heart out to this person who listens
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  Speaker 1: and understands. I always feel guilty for burdening others with
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: my issues, but it feels good to at least feel
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: like I'm not so alone. It's hard to come to
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: terms with the fact that some will support your recovery
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: and some will not. Some people don't understand how long
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: it really is that it contains ups and downs. When
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: I go to speak with my mom, she does not understand.
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: She looks frustrated and says, but you used to be
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: so happy. Just be happy again. It's so hard to
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: tell her that it doesn't work like that because she
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: just doesn't understand mental health very well. It's hard to
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: fight those tears, and I know I shouldn't let my
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: anger get the best of me, but I do. I
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: yell at her. Why can't you just understand? You make
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: everything worse! And I storm away, my mind a flurry
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: of emotions. Doesn't she know I'm trying my best? That night,
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: I crawl into bed, and my mind replays every word
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: I said to my mother. I feel so many things. Anger. Regret. Repulsion.
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: It's too much. My breathing quickens. I feel lightheaded and
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: my palms become sweaty. I feel like everything is about
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: to come crashing down and for a moment I think
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: I should welcome it. It's difficult to feel like a burden.
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: Most of my days I contemplate what a terrible daughter
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: I am and what a terrible friend I am. Especially
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: after my fight with my mom. I feel useless. I
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: prefer must be such a hard person to be around.
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: I just can't stop feeling guilty because I make everyone's
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  Speaker 1: lives so complicated. I often feel like a boulder and
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: my peers are forced to drag this weight around. I'm
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: so sick of feeling that way. Like someone they have
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: to be careful around. Through my struggles, I try to
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: remember everything my therapist said. That every day is a
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: new chance, a new day. I shouldn't waste it over
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: one moment. So, I start doing the things I love again. Painting, reading, gardening.
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  Speaker 1: They calm my mind and above all, make me so happy.
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  Speaker 1: They rekindle a passion that I knew was always there,
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  Speaker 1: but just tucked away. I realized bringing back the things
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  Speaker 1: I love is important because it reminds me that there
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: is just so much to live for. Life can be
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: so very beautiful if you look in the right places.
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  Speaker 1: I also begin to be kinder to myself. Instead of
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: punishing myself for every fault, every flaw, I begin to
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  Speaker 1: see the small beauties of life once again. They aren't major,
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  Speaker 1: huge things, but then again, most beautiful things rarely are.
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: It's a cool breeze on a hot day. It's homemade
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: cookies and lemonade. It's music that calms my mind. These
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: things I treasure in my heart. as it begins to
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: heal from the damage it went through. It has been
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: two weeks. Two weeks of days when I have felt
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: on top of the world, and days when it has
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: come crashing down. Today, I step into work. They tell
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: me the inevitable, that I've lost my promotion and that
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: I will have to work to earn it back. It
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: hits me all at once. I knew what was coming,
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  Speaker 1: I really did, but hearing those words out loud was
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  Speaker 1: like a blow to my heart. I thought that I
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  Speaker 1: was ready to move on. That I had been doing
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: so great in my recovery that I was strong enough.
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: I think what hurts the most is that this proves
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  Speaker 1: that I'm not. Feelings flood into me. I suddenly feel
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  Speaker 1: like I can't do this. Like it's so much all
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  Speaker 1: at once. So I do what I told myself not
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: to do. I walked away. At first, I feel incredibly
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: guilty and hated that I walked away. I feel like
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: a failure. I feel like everything my mom told me
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  Speaker 1: I was. Nothing. Simply a burden to everyone I meet.
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: Why can't I be better? Why can't I be smarter?
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: Why can't I be more adaptable? These questions haunt me
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: for a few days. I feel myself falling back into
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: familiar habits after this one setback. And I hate that
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: above all. It takes me a while to come to
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: terms with the fact that I'm just not ready to
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: go back to work. That healing can take a while.
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: And I have to let that happen before anything else.
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: It's been a few months. And in these months, so
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: much has happened. The major difference I made is that
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: I began to remind myself of how I felt when
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: I had those beautiful days. How I felt fulfilled. And
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: how I would think, I want this to last forever.
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: It took me a while to realize that this feeling
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: could last forever if I wanted it to. And that
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: is when my life changed. That being said... If I
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: said that my recovery has been a smooth, easy process,
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: I would be lying to you. It was, in fact,
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: hard and unpredictable and strange, as any transition in your
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: life might be. Of course, still, some days are so
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: much better than the last, filled with all those pockets
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: of peace and beauty. Others are filled with exhaustion and blankness,
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: tears and numbness. No one claimed it was to be
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: easy or smooth. No, it's filled with tears and grief
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: and everything in between. But maybe there's some beauty in
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  Speaker 1: that process too.