Latest / Soul Salon with Ayandastood / 83: creative fear as a womb — not a wall

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83: creative fear as a womb — not a wall · Soul Salon with Ayandastood

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  Today we are talking about fear, a birthing place, as a womb, as a portal, rather than as a dead end.
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  Fear as an invitation, and here we are talking about creative fear, the fear of being seen,
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  the fear of being judged, the fear of being cringed, and seen as such, the fear of being
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  disturbed, the fear of starting, the fear of failing. We are talking about how we haven't been
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  invited to see how much aliveness in this emotion, how much possibility, how much life seeks to
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  emerge through the womb of this fear, that fear is a birthing place. Fear can be an invitational
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  space that is full and rich and pregnant with possibility. Hello Divine Soul, first I want to
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  send so much love and reverence to you from my heart to yours. I want to send love to you,
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  I want to send light to you. I want to send a loving reminder that everything that you are
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  calling in at this moment, it is on its way to you. And I invite you to take a moment to be
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  present to something that you dreamed of that has already dropped into your life, that now has
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  slipped into that that place of ungratitude, that place of lack of recognition because it's become
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  normalized in your consciousness. This is what we do as humans, we strive and we long and we crave
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  and we yearn, and then when we are in the mode of receiving, sometimes it is challenging to stay
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  present to that receiving, to let it be enough that we finally received maybe the dream opportunity
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  we were calling in, the dream friendship we were calling in, the dream forgiveness, maybe we
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  reached a place where we can hear someone's name and no longer feel like crying or screaming
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  or raging, they can be a place of peace that we reached, that we prayed for, that we called in,
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  and then as soon as that arrives like this, what does that treadmill, the hedonistic treadmill,
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  the arrival fantasy that the goalpost keeps shifting. So what is a moment or what is something you
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  can take a moment to feel grateful for at this time, right here, right now.
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  Staying there as long as you need to, we all carry deep fears and in a sense they carry us
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  because they were planted within us by social conditioning, by society and by our survival instinct,
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  by our fundamental goal as a species, as a being, as life itself, to stay alive, to be a guardian of
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  life, but here's the thing, there are many different kinds of aliveness, there is a physical aliveness,
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  there is a physical sense of protecting life, staying alive, but then there's also creative
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  aliveness, when you feel so fulfilled, you feel so stimulated, there is emotional aliveness where
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  you let life just completely overtake you, be with you, be through you, when you feel the grief,
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  you cry, you're alive to the feelings, and that is the form of aliveness that is often robbed
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  from us at a societal level, we are taught to numb and avoid and repress, what happens when people
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  cry, they apologize, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry for being emotional and being sensitive is a deep
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  spiritual and emotional gift that is other, that is repressed, that is demonized as so much of the
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  feminine is, where we live in a Western, a colonial and a toxic masculine imagination, so anything with
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  respect to the feminine is reduced, belittled, the deep intelligence of it is undermined,
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  and so we are taught to live as not fully emotionally alive, so what fear is here to do, is it here
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  as a guardian of all these different forms of aliveness, so yes, fear guards are physical aliveness,
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  but fear also is a guardian of our emotional and our creative aliveness, what do I mean by this,
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  before you have a difficult conversation you feel afraid, before you tell someone you love them
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  for the first time, you feel afraid, before you tell someone you don't love them anymore,
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  I've never said this to anyone, I'm not that that would be a bad thing, I just want to tell you,
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  you feel afraid, before you say something you know you need to say you feel afraid,
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  so in that moment fear is a guardian of a deeper aliveness in that relationship,
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  in that moment, and it is inviting you into a deeper integrity, it is saying I want you to be
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  fully alive to this feeling of betrayal, I want you to be fully alive to this feeling of love,
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  so here's a bit of fear, now take this fear and go forth and confess and say what you need to say,
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  creatively, I want to share with you an exercise that I did because many of the people that I
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  connect to and through, we fear being seen, that is one of our deepest fears and we can tell it's
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  one of our also greatest most magnetic opportunities, that if we allow ourselves to be fully visible
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  and there's like a goddess frequency in that nomadic agenda, there is a very, what's the word,
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  there's a sensuality to say, look at me, listen to me, I've got songs to sing, listen to me,
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  I've got words to say, see me, I want to be seen and this is the irony,
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  people who fear being seen are often struggling to connect and truly fully reclaim their desire
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  to be seen, the fact that actually you love attention, there is a part of you and you can connect
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  to this through you in a child, there is a part of you, my love, who loves being seen
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  and you're not taught to claim that why because it's seen as egotistical, it's seen as unacceptable
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  especially for women to claim the love of attention, you are judged on my word, she just loves
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  attention, she likes attention too much, she takes up too much space, she's too much and this can
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  happen to many different genders, they take up too much space, they're too much, they're too
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  expressive, they're too emotional, they're too sensitive, it's always this excess, okay,
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  but actually because our society has normalized a level of emotional scarcity, of emotional
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  repression so that being in your full humanity seems like too much to some people but you are not
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  here for those people, okay, okay so once you realize yes you fear being seen that is true
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  but isn't that easier to say than also admit, confess, allow that there is a part of you who
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  absolutely loves being seen, who loves the spotlight, who loves the energy of look at me see me
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  you know that you don't just want to be seen you want to be felt you love being resonated with
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  it turns you on to think of people singing your lyrics back to you people referring to your ideas
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  oh that thing you said it stuck with me for yours it changed my life there's an eros there
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  and I invite you to claim that you don't have to only identify with your fear being seen
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  again fear is this birthing place it is this womb it is this portal who I'm looking at the comments
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  it's my first life oh wonderful I'm so glad that you needed this today I'm so sending you so much
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  love so much just oh so much possibility also so much rest you know that you are worthy infinitely
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  worthy of resting you don't have to earn rest if anyone needed to hear that I felt cool to share it
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  so you deserve to love being seen what if there's a world where you you know like you fear being seen
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  the same way a pop star fear is going on stage like they there's no way else they'd rather be
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  but they're also afraid and I think also in this paradigm of the specifically with respect to
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  big technologies and convenience culture we have developed a limiting belief that comfort is good
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  and discomfort is bad now obviously there are forms of discomfort that are in humane and should not
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  even exist forms of discomfort that deny people's sacredness sanctity dignity but then there
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  are forms of discomfort that are part of a meaningful life and you will not live a meaningful life
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  without facing those forms of discomfort that is where creative fear steps in if you refuse for
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  example to be embarrassing to be cringe to be judgeable even to put yourself in a position where
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  you could be judged you are saying to the universe give me a life that is too small for me
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  you know when the wait or waitress or wait person comes and they say what do you want what do you
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  want what do you want today what are you going to have is it going to be you know the noodles or the
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  rice what are you going to be eating today and you say I'll have a life that's too small for me
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  the universe waiter comes the universe server comes and says what kind of you know what's on the
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  menu today what will you have and you say you know what I don't want to be afraid to in my life I
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  don't want to face the fear of judgment I don't want to face the fear of failing or my word and the
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  fact that I could fail in front of others I don't want that so you know what you know what the
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  universe here is I want a life that I will live to regret and I'm saying this with so much love
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  because I know that we all want more than that and I'm also speaking to myself I haven't transcended
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  the avoidance of fear the avoidance of discomfort I still do that but every time we say there are
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  two paths in front of me the one involves fear discomfort oh what if they judge me what if they
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  don't love me what if I fail what if I'm judged the other path it's exactly the same it's watching
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  youtube videos of people embodying what you wish you were stepping into or it's just going on
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  life as usual scrolling on tiktok okay you can walk that path it's the path of least resistance in
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  the short term and greatest resistance in the long term so the way to be on the side of your future
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  self you'll I think of it as my deathbed self to be on her side this I'm gonna die to be on the
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  side of the me who's going to die I don't know if that's today in 10 years in 20 years in 30 years
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  I say okay I choose this discomfort because I love you because I love you and I want you to
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  have this memory because I love you I want you to have the memory of us having embodied what we
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  said we longed to embodied yes I'm afraid yes I'm afraid for example I have always had a vision
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  for very many years now it was three years of being I didn't know the career existed before that
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  but of being a podcast interviewer now I know that that is part of my purpose and calling but
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  that doesn't mean there was the absence of fear in fact it means a very opposite why because fear is
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  a both in place fear is a womb for my deepest becoming so before my interviews recently I've
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  done two in the past sort of month I was nervous oh I was afraid and then you think oh then you
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  did the interview and it went so well and then you weren't afraid anymore no because I have to
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  rewatch it the humiliation okay let me not it's not humiliation but like there's something deeply
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  uncomfortable and let us say it unnatural about watching yourself second by second judging yourself
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  you know criticizing yourself and I sat with this feeling of all the things I wish I had said
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  all the ways that I wish I had added to the conversation or wish I had created space for the
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  guests and I was so critical of myself oh my god I should have done this but this is the part
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  so I'm afraid right that's a form of fear I'm afraid of not being good enough I'm afraid of
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  people seeing myself as not good enough as not a good enough interviewer not a good enough
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  conversationalist not a good enough spaceholder not a good enough thinker because you know you
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  seeing someone's thinking and how they think on display or an aspect of it and I was afraid I'm still
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  afraid I'm afraid of not being good enough and yet I know okay there are these two paths the one
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  you don't post the video the one you don't post the video don't post it fine you're afraid don't
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  post it life continues as normal you keep telling yourself oh the next interview will be the one
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  or the next one will be the one okay and then there's another path that says yes I'm afraid of
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  being judged yes I'm afraid of being seen yes I'm afraid of being criticized yes I'm afraid of
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  being canceled yes I'm afraid of being seen as not good enough yes I'm afraid of people identifying
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  me as this or that or this other thing but this path is leading me in the direction of my calling
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  in the direction of my purpose and in the direction of a deeper less conditional form of love because
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  when we're on this path it's often we're stuck in conditional love we don't see another possibility
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  what if I choose an unconditional love that says every creation this is something that I say
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  every creation is love's invitation if you fear being seen as not good enough you are being invited
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  to love yourself and that fear of being seen is just a signal from the universe that there was already
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  a wound beneath that is seeking to be met I'm not even gonna say healed because aren't we all
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  always healing for the rest of our lives it is seeking to be met and the reason I love the path for
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  me of visibility is I am meeting myself and I'm meeting this in a critic and this perfectionist
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  and this part of me who feels she has to be perfect and I'm meeting her again and again and again
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  and I don't transcend this fear I don't suddenly not fear speaking or not fear interviewing
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  but I meet her and I say my love I'm so proud of you I'm so proud of you and I know
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  you're trying to protect me this is parts work from internal family systems which is a healing
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  modality where we all have different parts within us and they truly just want to be heard
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  to have space held for them and to protect you and they're using a protection mechanism they
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  use they learned in childhood so if it wasn't safe for you to be yourself part of you taught you
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  don't say that don't take up so much space oh you're so annoying no one likes you
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  everyone's judging you everyone's talking about you and they thought that was the only way
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  that they could show up for you because they were trying to protect you in that environment
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  and then now you're no longer 12 15 17 19 2021 whatever but they haven't been released like not
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  as in let go of but they haven't been released of this role so they keep doing that they keep
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  showing up in that way so it's an invitation to have a conversation with this part of you this
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  part of you who believes you're inherently shameful you're just inherently this they think you're
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  inherently never good enough and you sit with them and you say my love what's happening what's
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  coming up for you so I did this with my interview and it was like I feel like I feel like you're
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  just we're just not good enough we had this perfect image in our head of how this would go
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  and that's not what it was you know it was beautiful but it was also messy and I made mistakes
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  and there were things I said that I don't agree with and there were things I said that weren't
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  inclusive enough of people I truly deeply want to include and I feel this need to be perfect and
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  I learned it so young and I said to this part of myself my babes my love my angel it is safe
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  it is safe let me be your sanctuary it is safe to make mistakes it is safe to be seen making
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  mistakes it is safe to not be perfect no one is it is safe to reveal your humanity because
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  every form of visibility that you step into as you share your light as you share your love your
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  heart as you share your gifts each form of visibility is like a different arena or stage it will
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  invite you to sit with different forms of fears so there's the fear of being seen when you're
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  sitting in your house and you're recording it yourself right that's one fear of being seen
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  that's one experience but when it's not live you can edit it you cannot post it you can save it to
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  draft you have so much control quote unquote so I've been doing that for two two three years just
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  like creating videos on my own being the full decider I get to decide what stays what goes I get to
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  decide what's posted what's not now suddenly I'm in a live conversation now suddenly someone
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  else's dream is involved I can't just say oh I'm not gonna post this why can but it's like it's not
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  only about me now suddenly I don't get to just oh whoops wish I wouldn't say that take it out it's
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  not as easy because it breaks the dynamics of the conversation you can do that and I am still
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  sort of allowing myself to do what I feel needs to be done to have that you know spaciousness to
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  make mistakes and to flow but it's a different form of fear because it's a live fear and then I'm
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  sure one day I'll be doing next year I hope to do more in person events so we're all going to
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  face not about me we're all gonna face different forms of fear but that fear is a birthing place for
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  you if you dream of being a singer on a stage of course there's going to be some uncomfortable
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  performances in pubs or bars that make you cringe or sharing a tiktok that makes you cringe
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  but that is the womb it's like wanting to have the baby but not wanting to be pregnant that's not
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  how it works so accept and lean into the discomfort of the pregnancy lean into the discomfort of
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  the birthing place that fear is that doubt is that discomfort is this is the law of polarity
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  we don't get to have the dream without the fear we don't get to have the day without the night the
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  light without the darkness and in fact we wouldn't want it imagine all there was was darkness or all
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  there was was light if all there was was light we would never fear find rest we would
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  age and therefore die much faster because we would never have reprieve from the sun the sun
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  is divine but also the sun is literally burning us alive all the plants of the universe would live
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  would not have that 12 hour rest from sunlight to replenish to rejuvenate animals would not be
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  able to rest so eventually there would be no life if there was only light similarly if there
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  was only darkness we wouldn't have the sunlight and we would again not have life so with our dreams
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  I know what we only want is the magic and the beauty and the connection and the opportunities and
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  the community but if all we had was that there would be no contrasting experience for it to even feel
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  like the dream or if actually let me think about this more but basically I know that we need one to
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  have the other maybe we wouldn't become the version of ourselves who could even hold the dream or
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  my word we wouldn't so when we manifested the dream which you are we manifested you we also
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  manifested what it asks of us what it asks to grow within us and through us you are on such an
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  incredible path and I also want to say this even though fear is this invitational space it's this
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  birthing place for a deeper becoming you know the if you want to write a book but you're afraid of
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  how long it will take imagine the version of yourself you will become through leaning into that
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  fear you'll become a version of you who doesn't fear long projects and hard you know like what
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  quote unquote hard work and imagine what that will unlock for you moving forward
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  and maybe you needed to face that fear so that you could write a whole trilogy you know that
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  would be turned into a movie but I also want to say even though fear is this invitational
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  space of becoming you are more than enough just as you are today yes you are calling things in but
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  you were also called in yes you are manifesting but you were also manifested you are more than enough
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  you know more than enough you've seen more than enough you deserve rest you deserve to not only
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  identify yourself with what you create and do in this world but also your essence and energy
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  and whether or not we don't know how long any of us has and I just I resent the idea that
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  you know if we if we die before our dreams come true that we're somehow less of a human life
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  that we're less sacred that that was oh what a waste you know what a shame what a pity
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  I don't know how I feel about thoughts we are all divine we are all in our essence there's nothing
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  we have to prove a lot of what like masculine energy is is about proving I have to prove myself
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  as worthy and this is also a way that you know this framing is also a form of the way that people
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  get oppressed by this energy because no one should have to prove anything and we often find
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  now we all have access to both energies we often find that there's a crushing weight when you
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  treat people like they have something to prove and that is something that we need to be mindful of
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  you have nothing to prove yes you could dream and sometimes we're like have these revenge fantasies
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  of people who didn't believe in us you have nothing to prove you have nothing to prove what would
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  mean for you to really feel your way into that you don't have to be cut you there's nothing there's
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  nothing you have nothing to prove but and let's say you have all the permission to move
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  where you feel caught to move to flow where you feel caught to flow to go where you feel caught to
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  go but you don't have to prove anything by that going you don't have to get to a certain number
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  of followers or lie oh my word it's a trap that's a trap that's that's that's the devil
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  that's a trap please I mean we all have our parts to walk we all have to learn what we have to learn
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  but I've learned that's a trap that's I rather not know I rather not know who how because if you
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  attach a number to someone's worth there's a name for that you know what I mean and there's a
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  history and as a black person am I gonna allow these like white male western imagined platforms to
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  tell me my worth through a number yes I am I'm trying not to oh my word oh my word oh thank you so
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  much for allowing us to see you that is such a wonderful thank you a wonderful and beautiful way
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  to say it or my word also I'm now looking at how my camera is I do this thing where I try not to
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  even look at myself oh wait what's happening is all well okay I'm here thank you so much for
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  anyone who is with me on this journey I will be going live more why because of what I named because
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  of a different fear of being seen and also an exciting invitational space of wanting to do more
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  in person events wanting to do more live experiences wanting to interview people more in ways that
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  I cannot simply just edit out like if we're in a room together baves manifesting that I can't just
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  be like whoops let's take that scene out there's an aliveness to this and so I'm gonna be going
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  live more often so that I can face my fear of this kind of imperfection or this kind of actually
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  I'm not trying to minimize myself like I really want to honor myself I want to honor how I've grown
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  and I want to but I want I want to connect I want to just always be embodying what I'm teaching
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  which is like I'm facing my fear of being seen for example I have a weird relationship with TikTok
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  but I've been posting on TikTok and I'm like it's embarrassing because no one's looking at these
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  videos like oh my word but like exactly that's amazing it's a birthing place also as they say which
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  I love I learned this from the spiritual teacher Michael Beakwick who I love I love him he's amazing
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  please watch his talks oh my goodness oh what a whoo like that's someone I'd love to interview
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  wow what a divine soul what a divine soul which you are okay I'm sending so much love to you
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  I'm sending healing your way I'm sending the frequency that you're calling in most your way
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  and I'm also sending just permission in the form that you're seeking what is something you need
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  to give yourself or you feel called to give yourself permission for I give myself permission
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  to show up imperfectly I give myself permission to try new things you're an innovator you're an
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  alchemist I give myself permission to claim an identity that I've struggled to claim maybe you've
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  struggled to call yourself an artist or a visionary or a writer my word what is it about that like
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  you could be journaling every single day and be like I'm not a writer like babes that's me by the way
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  I'm like I write but like I'm not the thing that is the doing of that exact title so funny I'm
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  sending so much love here has been acting as a wall between me and creation lately oh I'm we're
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  sending so much love to you thank you for naming that so beautifully because we are all going through
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  that with you and you've given language to it so wonderfully your creation and communication is
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  I'm so grateful to hear that thank you Bailey and I know that feeling of babes I know that feeling
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  huh when you're so afraid you know for me it manifests in so many different ways it could be avoiding
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  the work it could be saving it to drafts it could you know goodness oh goodness drafts I'll come
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  back this is for me with writing huge fears around not being good enough and so you are not alone
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  those walls but can we see them as platform nine and three quarters like can we see them dissolving
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  can we see them as portals you know with very much love to the world of Harry Potter would not
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  love to the transphobia to JK Rowling herself but to that world that there is an invitational space
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  for the rigidity of that wall to actually as we place our hand on it meaning as we are intimate with
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  it as we connect with it as we seek to reach for it connect can we actually notice that our hand
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  starts to pass through it that could mean journaling about the fear that could mean writing to the
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  fear dear fear I know you're here to hold me through this you're here to make this experience on
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  my life memorable because so much of our lives we forget I noticed the things that are most memorable
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  to me often creatively I was most afraid the things that I'm proudest of myself for doing I was
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  most afraid so fear wants to give to you it's just not always understood as a giving so this wall
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  that you're facing you look at the wall and you say I see you with reverence because you know what
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  walls do walls create rooms and I've been in this room and I see that this room has held me
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  but I'm now ready for a different holding this room has met me but I'm now ready for a different
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  meeting and as you're present to this wall and also what it's given you you know because we often
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  think something is wrong nothing is wrong this is a normal part of the human experience and as
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  life as an artist these are the facings these are the edges the sticky places we are invited to go
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  and why you know the funny thing is I talked about fear as the womb as the portal the artist's
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  consciousness which we all are artists this consciousness we hold we hold in our consciousness
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  all the future worlds that are becoming we hold every you know all the art that will be made all
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  the ideas all the culture all the videos all the movies are in our consciousness
• 31:07
  which is wild so we also need to be so caring and loving to ourselves like we're doing
• 31:12
  we're doing a lot for the collective you know the artists in each of us but she they he is not
• 31:19
  always supported in fact is very unsupported okay everyone this was so nourishing to my spirit I'm
• 31:28
  so happy that it has supported people attending thank you so much for saying this amirah that's
• 31:33
  such a wonderful name also I hope I'm pronouncing it correctly your content that really shifted my
• 31:38
  life I'm so grateful I am so grateful to you thank you for being here with me I'm so grateful I
• 31:44
  struggle to allow myself and my art to be seen you are so not alone thank you for sharing that
• 31:48
  with us you are not alone you are not alone you are not alone we are all I think the throat chakra
• 31:55
  the is opening of the collective and you are part of that opening and I know that it can feel so
• 32:04
  uncomfortable but you have so much courage you know you are so courageous and whether it's an
• 32:12
  ancestor you have someone in your lineage who you can tap into their courage and strength
• 32:18
  and feel how powerful you are through someone in your family or your your line of living you know
• 32:25
  that has helped me with my grandmother like I just tap into her power sometimes I'm like whoa like
• 32:31
  and I didn't even know her like in a deep level you know like where you know someone you know what
• 32:36
  they're about you know what their dreams are that they didn't get to live you know their value
• 32:40
  system I don't know who that way but she comes to me her strength comes to me you can face this
• 32:46
  you know you were born to to be a conversation so you get to be in conversation with this fear and maybe
• 32:56
  as you share your art you say hey everyone like I'm terrified I'm sharing this painting or I'm
• 33:00
  sharing this music I'm so scared right now but I'm doing this for my seven year old self who knew
• 33:06
  from then that they were a dancer that they were a singer that they were a storyteller they knew
• 33:13
  she knew she had music in her from the get go and I'm doing it for her and you'll see so many people
• 33:22
  with you being able to connect with your energy oh feels like a dream oh thank you Amira I'm so
• 33:28
  grateful to hear that wow wow which is so powerful because this was a dream for me so it's like the
• 33:36
  the collective dream of like I had this vision to do this and it was also your vision you know what I
• 33:42
  mean it's our vision which is so beautiful oh I'm sending so much love to everyone so much love
• 33:49
  go do something that brings you peace or joy or whatever frequency you're seeking to feel hello
• 33:56
  to you from Uruguay I'm sending so much love I am talking about you we have also a collective self
• 34:03
  you know and I'm so grateful I'm gonna hop off thank you thank you thank you I hope to see you
• 34:09
  all again thank you so much thank you Tara thank you so much see glass thank you everyone thank you
• 34:15
  Amira thank you and oh my word I must go because my voice is not fully healed so I can't I'm
• 34:22
  overspoken but this has been so nourishing I'm sending all the love and you can all rewatch this
• 34:28
  live whenever you want and oh my word I love you too I'm sending so much love to you oh my word
• 34:37
  freedom okay everyone sending so much love to you I'll see you on the next so session I love you bye