Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Keeping it Real - Moms Discuss Chores | Ep. 03

Transcript

Keeping it Real - Moms Discuss Chores | Ep. 03 · The Parenting Podcast

• 1:03
  Cheryl (2): I'm excited today because we have something new.
• 1:06
  Cheryl (2): This is our first"keeping it real" episode at the parenting podcast.
• 1:11
  Cheryl (2): And we have real live moms in the studio today talking about our subject, which has been chores.
• 1:17
  Cheryl (2): These are two good friends of mine And friends of TPP let me introduce to you Christie Gunkel
• 1:24
  Christie: hello.
• 1:24
  Christie: Glad to be here.
• 1:26
  Cheryl: So glad you're here.
• 1:27
  Cheryl: And Michelle Johnson.
• 1:28
  Michelle: Hi, I'm honored to be.
• 1:30
  Cheryl: Well, I'm honored to have you
• 1:33
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 1:33
  Ellen: It's really fun to have some new faces here in the studio, christy, tell me a little bit about yourself, how long you've lived here and where you're from.
• 1:41
  Christie: Yeah, I'm Christie Gunkel and I've been married to Tim for almost 23 years.
• 1:46
  Christie: Wow.
• 1:47
  Christie: Yeah, I know next month.
• 1:49
  Christie: So we have four daughters.
• 1:51
  Christie: They're 22, 19 17, and 15.
• 1:56
  Christie: And our oldest just got married this summer.
• 1:58
  Christie: So we now have a son-in-law.
• 2:00
  Ellen: Oh, you got a boy?
• 2:01
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 2:02
  Ellen: It's finally have a boy around for birthdays and holiday shopping.
• 2:06
  Ellen: And so we have two in the home and two that have grown up and moved on.
• 2:10
  Ellen: Was it hard to have that first wedding?
• 2:12
  Christie: Oh my goodness.
• 2:13
  Christie: So hard and she lives a thousand miles away now.
• 2:16
  Christie: So that was the hardest part of that.
• 2:17
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 2:18
  Ellen: Bet.
• 2:19
  Ellen: That's the first one to leave the nest.
• 2:21
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 2:21
  Christie: Yeah.
• 2:22
  Christie: He's great though.
• 2:22
  Christie: So it makes it all worth it.
• 2:24
  Christie: Yeah.
• 2:25
  Ellen: And then Michelle, how many children do you have?
• 2:28
  Michelle: I have four.
• 2:29
  Michelle: My oldest is 11 and my second oldest is eight and then I have a four year old.
• 2:36
  Michelle: And then my youngest is a little girl and she just turned three.
• 2:39
  Michelle: So we have two boys and two girls.
• 2:42
  Michelle: Yes.
• 2:43
  Cheryl: How long have you been Brian been married?
• 2:44
  Michelle: We've been married for 15 years.
• 2:46
  Michelle: We just celebrated the summer.
• 2:49
  Michelle: And so it's been fun raising four kids together.
• 2:53
  Michelle: Lots of exciting things going on.
• 2:55
  Cheryl: Isn't that a wonderful way to look at it?
• 2:57
  Ellen: My Sister had eight children and she only had one daughter in the group.
• 3:01
  Ellen: She knew what it was like to have boy, she didn't even furnish her living room.
• 3:09
  Ellen: I had a couple of questions I wanted to ask both of you.
• 3:12
  Ellen: And one of them was just a fun question.
• 3:16
  Ellen: If you had a couple of days with no work or responsibilities, unlimited finances, possibly a private jet, what would you do?
• 3:28
  Christie: Oh, wow.
• 3:29
  Christie: Unlimited.
• 3:31
  Christie: Probably definitely travel, go to Europe and we haven't traveled much.
• 3:36
  Christie: So that's something I would want to do.
• 3:39
  Cheryl: You could choose a place.
• 3:40
  Cheryl: Like if I had the tickets and I was writing it in, where would you go?
• 3:44
  Christie: Probably start with England.
• 3:45
  Michelle: I promise we did not talk about this beforehand because you have my exact same answer.
• 3:50
  Michelle: I love to travel.
• 3:51
  Michelle: I would love to go back to Europe and go to England.
• 3:55
  Michelle: And I had a chance to visit Austria one year and it was beautiful.
• 3:59
  Michelle: So I would love to go back to those places.
• 4:02
  Cheryl: Travels really changed these days.
• 4:06
  Cheryl: Well, don't have to make a decision because right now, a lot of our decisions on travel being made, even if we had our private time.
• 4:13
  Ellen: That's so true.
• 4:15
  Ellen: That's very true.
• 4:15
  Cheryl: To focus on what we came in to talk about is chores.
• 4:20
  Cheryl: And so.
• 4:21
  Cheryl: We've had two episodes that Ellen and I did talking about our past and how we were prepared or weren't prepared.
• 4:29
  Cheryl: And then just some of the things we did in reality whether we felt we were well-prepared or what happened and then some of our experiences as moms with our own children.
• 4:40
  Cheryl: So let me ask each of you Michelle how do you think you were prepared for adulthood and chores and then of course having children and chores.
• 4:51
  Michelle: I felt like my parents worked to make an effort to make us there were three of us have some kind of chore system.
• 5:01
  Michelle: And so we were responsible for putting up our own laundry for folding the clothes and putting those things away.
• 5:09
  Michelle: I don't know if there was necessarily a system for the laundry.
• 5:12
  Michelle: I remember it was always piled on the couch and we were asked to go fold it and put it away.
• 5:17
  Michelle: I do remember a chore chart on the refrigerator and it's kind of funny because it had three columns and one column had the chore for taking care of the dog and feeding the dog, giving the dog fresh water every day, and that you would have that chore for a week.
• 5:34
  Michelle: And then another column was for dishes and, you know, washing the dishes, loading the dishwasher, that kind of thing.
• 5:41
  Michelle: And another column I don't exactly remember, but I think it was taking care of the table, you know, sweeping the floor that kind of thing.
• 5:49
  Michelle: And so the pet chore was for our dog.
• 5:53
  Michelle: Well, our dog grew to be about 16 years old and he eventually he passed away and one of us, one of the kids put a big X on that chart.
• 6:02
  Michelle: And so I always looked forward to the pet chore because I didn't have a chore that week.
• 6:10
  Michelle: So, I feel like it's a little bit funny because, you know, it takes so much of an effort in my mind, in my own life to produce some kind of chart or system that can work for all of us.
• 6:21
  Michelle: I feel like it's just so imperfect because once it doesn't work anymore, you know, it takes a lot of time to get back to something that does.
• 6:30
  Michelle: And I don't know how long it stayed up on the refrigerator, but it was up there quite a while.
• 6:36
  Cheryl: I wonder how many refrigerators of families have been decorated with chore charts and stars and all the things we try.
• 6:45
  Cheryl: What about you, Christie?
• 6:47
  Christie: Yeah, growing up, I don't really remember necessarily having a system in place or consistent expectations for chores, mainly just helping here and there.
• 6:59
  Christie: You know when asked, but yeah we didn't really have any systems in place that were consistent.
• 7:04
  Christie: And I think that probably affected me in my adult life, not having that discipline and work ethic.
• 7:10
  Christie: That really was a challenge.
• 7:11
  Christie: When I started trying to train my own children and fueled me in that direction to want to help build that
• 7:17
  Cheryl: Michelle, she just mentioned, do you feel like you were prepared from what your parents did for what real adulthood and chores and house cleaning, and certainly as a mom, do you feel like.
• 7:30
  Cheryl: You were fairly well-trained
• 7:31
  Michelle: I feel like requiring time kind of responsibility on my part to help around the house did help me recognize that it's not just about one person doing it all.
• 7:43
  Michelle: It's a family being involved in the tasks at home.
• 7:47
  Michelle: So I think that having that as a young child really did help me get an, understand the concept of a family unit working together.
• 7:59
  Michelle: So I do have a question.
• 8:02
  Michelle: Along those lines, I have really been struggling with my children, trying to keep them on task.
• 8:07
  Michelle: We also have a chore system and they know what to do.
• 8:12
  Michelle: My older two switch off between taking care of the table and the floor and taking care of the dishes, the dishwasher, those kinds of things.
• 8:23
  Michelle: A lot of times they will get started, but then someone wanders off and I have to go find that person and bring them back and talk about, you know, that the table really doesn't look clean.
• 8:34
  Michelle: I think you missed something here and it's not a little minor crumb.
• 8:38
  Michelle: It's like half the table has food scattered across it or the floor, you know, yesterday was a huge pizza piece.
• 8:46
  Michelle: And so I really struggle with keeping them on task.
• 8:50
  Michelle: I would love to have some ideas as to how to do that in a way that's, you know, that I can encourage them to stay there.
• 8:58
  Cheryl: Well, that is a great question.
• 8:59
  Cheryl: You're dealing with messed up people.
• 9:01
  Cheryl: I have trouble staying on task.
• 9:04
  Cheryl: And so this is a great question.
• 9:07
  Cheryl: How do we deal with this?
• 9:08
  Cheryl: Do anybody not have this problem?
• 9:13
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 9:14
  Cheryl: So again, what are your ages?
• 9:16
  Michelle: So the two that are expected to do these kinds of chores are 11 and eight.
• 9:21
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 9:22
  Cheryl: So what do you all think?
• 9:24
  Ellen: Yeah, those are, I mean, you had that really cool term that you found what's that term you told me.
• 9:32
  Cheryl: Oh yeah.
• 9:33
  Cheryl: Since we talked about it last time and it's called inattentive blindness.
• 9:38
  Cheryl: And so part of what we're dealing with.
• 9:40
  Cheryl: That Ellen and I have the perspective and Christie's beginning to develop it, but it's the perspective of distance and time to realize that parenting along with everything else in life is not events but process.
• 9:55
  Cheryl: And it's not just our kids.
• 9:56
  Cheryl: We're in process as well.
• 9:59
  Cheryl: And there is a term that is called inattentive blindness, and we talked about it.
• 10:06
  Cheryl: You're concentrating on other things, you don't see something right in front of you, and there are things even on the internet that show you're concentrating on something.
• 10:14
  Cheryl: You don't see a dancing bear in the background.
• 10:17
  Cheryl: It's just the same thing.
• 10:18
  Cheryl: Part of the problem is your children are immature and they just don't see what you're talking about.
• 10:26
  Cheryl: And then Ellen and I would say the other issue is training and training.
• 10:29
  Michelle: I'm wondering how do I train them?
• 10:31
  Michelle: And when do I step back from that?
• 10:34
  Michelle: Because I'm constantly reminding them and I don't want to become a nag, but I also am recognizing that.
• 10:41
  Michelle: It's not working
• 10:43
  Cheryl: well, but I will say it's because you're in the middle of your 20 year job.
• 10:48
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 10:49
  Cheryl: And so take heart, you know, you're not superfluous.
• 10:53
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 10:53
  Cheryl: You're needed because your kids still need it.
• 10:56
  Cheryl: Now let's see what we can figure out.
• 10:58
  Cheryl: Maybe there's some tools or a way of approaching it.
• 11:01
  Cheryl: What about you?
• 11:02
  Cheryl: What do you think?
• 11:02
  Ellen: Well, I was thinking of my daughter who has six children.
• 11:07
  Ellen: And she asked me a couple months ago, she goes, mom, when do I get to stop training in this one particular area?
• 11:14
  Ellen: I just kind of laughed.
• 11:16
  Ellen: And I said, oh, it's going to be while because unfortunately that's what it is with children.
• 11:22
  Ellen: It's at every different season that they're at, maybe bumping up the training, adding more or whatever, but you're always still training and that doesn't end until they are released as adults and then hopefully they take over their own training.
• 11:38
  Cheryl: that they do it or not, they're responsible.
• 11:39
  Cheryl: There that's the hard thing.
• 11:41
  Christie: Right?
• 11:42
  Christie: I think just that consistency and like Cheryl said, you know, that's something we still struggle with as adults is getting distracted and losing focus.
• 11:51
  Christie: And so I think consistently reminding them having some compassion that.
• 11:56
  Christie: It's hard.
• 11:56
  Christie: It's hard to remember and help them to know, like I see that it's hard.
• 12:00
  Christie: And then after a time period that seems appropriate.
• 12:04
  Christie: Maybe it is time to bring in some consequences and let them know, Hey, I'm doing this because I know it's hard and this will help you to remember.
• 12:12
  Cheryl: So, let me ask you some questions.
• 12:13
  Cheryl: Cause if you'd come over to my house, which you did, and you'd asked me this, then I would be asking you questions.
• 12:19
  Cheryl: So do you feel like you have trained them that they are experienced in this, like the previous chores that they did?
• 12:28
  Cheryl: Did you have the same problem?
• 12:30
  Cheryl: Or are they steeped in it where they could do those with no problem.
• 12:33
  Cheryl: And now you've suddenly bumped them up or have they been in this stage of cleaning for awhile?
• 12:41
  Michelle: I believe that they've been in the stage for a while and at times they're really good at it.
• 12:47
  Michelle: And then other times.
• 12:50
  Michelle: And when I say good, there's still, you know, there's still learning that needs to take place.
• 12:54
  Michelle: And I still need to monitor a little bit, but I think there's,
• 12:59
  Cheryl: A struggle
• 12:59
  Michelle: yes, they kind of recess and they do a little bit.
• 13:03
  Cheryl (2): Okay.
• 13:03
  Cheryl (2): Well let me ask you has there anything that's happened?
• 13:06
  Cheryl (2): That's different.
• 13:08
  Cheryl (2): Has your presence or your focus, your being there around them.
• 13:13
  Cheryl (2): Has that changed?
• 13:15
  Cheryl (2): Have you figured, oh, you all can handle this and I'm going to go wash the little ones in the bathtub or whatever, and you're removed Is there any new element?
• 13:24
  Cheryl (2): I mean, we're focusing on one thing, but these are great questions to ask about everything.
• 13:27
  Ellen: Are they just bored with doing that task and, you know, doing it too long
• 13:31
  Christie: and be that some vision and motive and purpose behind it might help, you know, just encouraging them in the direction of teamwork.
• 13:39
  Christie: And this is why we're doing this.
• 13:41
  Christie: And they might just not have a whole lot.
• 13:43
  Christie: Invested interest in the task.
• 13:45
  Michelle: Yes.
• 13:46
  Michelle: Do you feel like timers are appropriate?
• 13:48
  Michelle: Yeah.
• 13:49
  Ellen: I love timers.
• 13:53
  Cheryl: Ms.
• 13:53
  Cheryl: Timer, get it done.
• 13:54
  Cheryl: Military personnel.
• 13:56
  Cheryl: You have to understand being military.
• 13:59
  Cheryl: She was just telling me today she had five children.
• 14:03
  Cheryl: She had to keep the house so clean because the who Lieutenant?
• 14:07
  Cheryl: Well,
• 14:07
  Ellen: The, our squadron commander lived across the street from us
• 14:10
  Cheryl: And he could just walk across the street at any time.
• 14:13
  Cheryl: So whether she would naturally do it or not, she had to do that.
• 14:18
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 14:18
  Cheryl: So has there anything that's changed?
• 14:21
  Cheryl: They're not getting to the place where you can release them to do it on their own.
• 14:25
  Michelle: I think it's a little bit of both, but I think that is a really good question to ask because we have started back into a school routine and, you know, things do change.
• 14:33
  Michelle: There is a lot more required, just getting prepared for the day.
• 14:39
  Michelle: And so, I am more occupied by other things going on.
• 14:44
  Michelle: So it may be, it is just an easy way out.
• 14:47
  Michelle: Mom's busy.
• 14:48
  Michelle: I'm just going to slip down the hall for a second type of thing.
• 14:52
  Cheryl: I also like what Christy said about coming back again, not lecturing, but talking about why we're doing this.
• 15:01
  Cheryl: You know, we had talked about.
• 15:04
  Cheryl: Helping give them the philosophy.
• 15:06
  Cheryl: This is our family, and we're doing this together.
• 15:09
  Cheryl: Not you're cleaning my kitchen for me, but this is how we work together and all that, that you want to talk to them to encourage them.
• 15:17
  Cheryl (2): Another thing is there anything that I could change or help you with?
• 15:23
  Cheryl (2): That would help you succeed at this?
• 15:25
  Cheryl (2): Yes.
• 15:26
  Cheryl (2): It's really hard for me because maybe it's summertime and everybody's outside playing and I'm hearing them and I don't want to be in here working in the kitchen.
• 15:35
  Christie: Yeah.
• 15:35
  Christie: Yes.
• 15:35
  Christie: I've used that a lot in lots.
• 15:37
  Christie: I mean, even with teens, you know, just to let them know, Hey, I'm on your side and I want to help you succeed in this.
• 15:43
  Christie: How could I help you to take some of those barriers?
• 15:45
  Michelle: That's good.
• 15:46
  Michelle: It makes me think of one of my children who gets overwhelmed easily if it's a significantly dirty day in the kitchen, really has a hard time making that step forward to begin even.
• 16:01
  Michelle: And I think that's really helpful to hear sinse, just gives me some words to speak to encourage to move forward.
• 16:10
  Michelle: And that I'm on his side.
• 16:11
  Ellen: I was gonna say, and maybe just a method.
• 16:14
  Ellen: Sometimes changing your methods up a little bit, how you do things, if you see that a child's overwhelmed, maybe they just need a refresher course on, Hey, let's start over here.
• 16:24
  Ellen: Pick up these three things.
• 16:25
  Ellen: This goes in the trash, right?
• 16:27
  Ellen: Because I know how I feel when I see you know, when you're a kid, a table can seem like a massive mess and you're like, where do I start?
• 16:35
  Ellen: So helping them find a starting point, maybe help them start.
• 16:38
  Ellen: Go alongside help them get started.
• 16:40
  Ellen: And then I'll see you in a few minutes when you're done.
• 16:42
  Ellen: Let me know.
• 16:42
  Christie: Yeah.
• 16:43
  Christie: We would categorize and say, okay, get all the dishes now to get all the trash now, you know, and that really helped them break it down into categories.
• 16:50
  Michelle: Okay.
• 16:51
  Michelle: That's helpful.
• 16:52
  Cheryl (2): That's one of the things we've been talking about is sort of we need to know our philosophy and share it and think about it and encourage them, but be sensitive to the needs of the individual, because.
• 17:06
  Cheryl (2): You know, one size doesn't fit all.
• 17:08
  Cheryl (2): And I shared about how one of mine would prefer to do 15 one pointers and the other one would rather do two eight points and just a different style.
• 17:17
  Cheryl (2): And they just made need something different than what you needed.
• 17:22
  Cheryl (2): That's thoughtful parenting.
• 17:23
  Cheryl (2): It took me a while to develop that, that my way of doing something, how I saw it may not be how this particular child at this particular time, because I want to love that child as well as I can.
• 17:36
  Cheryl (2): And I can't make it a, just a generic thing and maybe approach it instead of getting frustrated as much.
• 17:44
  Cheryl (2): Remember, I am loving him.
• 17:46
  Cheryl (2): Well to help him walk through this
• 17:48
  Ellen: and sympathize, we can all get that.
• 17:51
  Ellen: It could be like really boring to him to do that particular thing.
• 17:54
  Ellen: He may not care about other stuff, but we all reach points for, oh, I hate doing this.
• 17:59
  Ellen: I've done this 10,000 times.
• 18:01
  Ellen: And sometimes just coming alongside them, talking with them while they're doing it, maybe once or twice in the week, and kind of giving them a little boost that way, because chores do get monotonous mundane.
• 18:12
  Michelle: Do you ever get to a point where you do have to have a consequence?
• 18:16
  Michelle: how do you know where that line is between being gracious and say we really need to do something about this now.
• 18:24
  Ellen: Well, you.
• 18:25
  Ellen: Whatever the next activity that they're looking forward to doing, even if it's just within the house or it's an evening thing they're going to go read or watch their favorite television show or go play a game.
• 18:36
  Ellen: That's a tool, you know, the faster you get this done, the sooner you can go do whatever you wanted to do.
• 18:43
  Ellen: And if you don't do it, when the timer goes off, then that's off the table
• 18:48
  Cheryl: or it may be.
• 18:49
  Cheryl: And internally motivated person and I had internally motivated children.
• 18:53
  Cheryl: And we've talked about this before.
• 18:54
  Cheryl: It didn't matter.
• 18:55
  Cheryl: One of mine, I could say I'll give you a nickel to clean all the floors in the house and that child would have done it.
• 19:01
  Cheryl: The other one here's$5,000.
• 19:04
  Cheryl: To wipe off the mirror and the counter, and that would not have been motivating.
• 19:09
  Cheryl: So you have to be a student of your child and to know how they're working.
• 19:14
  Cheryl: So that's where discernment comes in, become a good student of your child Are they struggling with something else or is it a character issue?
• 19:22
  Cheryl: And that I think is one of the biggest roles we have.
• 19:26
  Cheryl: And one of the biggest for me, is there immaturity here.
• 19:29
  Cheryl: Is there an other issue?
• 19:30
  Cheryl: Am I not training?
• 19:31
  Cheryl: Well, is there another factor?
• 19:34
  Cheryl: Or is this boiled down to a character issue and you might want to consider having a really good one-on-one relaxed conversation to find out.
• 19:43
  Cheryl: I mean, I know we're just talking about dinner chores, but talking about why we do it and the character and all of that.
• 19:51
  Cheryl (2): And then if you discern, he really can do it and he's just not.
• 19:55
  Cheryl (2): Then I would consider steps.
• 19:57
  Cheryl (2): And sometimes with my kids, I even talked with them.
• 20:00
  Cheryl (2): So what do you think would be an appropriate correction or discipline to this?
• 20:05
  Cheryl (2): Yes.
• 20:06
  Cheryl (2): But all the time, remember it goes back to our attitude, how I'm treating this child, how I'm speaking to them, how am I loving the well,
• 20:14
  Ellen: Sometimes it's just a season.
• 20:16
  Ellen: No, I can have a week or two or even a month where they're just not very cooperative.
• 20:22
  Ellen: And then all of a sudden it's like, they wake up one morning and they're ready to do whatever you want.
• 20:28
  Ellen: And like what happened?
• 20:29
  Christie: Well, especially I'm thinking if it's, you know, just started with the start of the school year, it's dinner, time by I'm tired by dinner.
• 20:36
  Christie: So, you know, I'm ready to go do the fun things or relaxing things that I enjoy too.
• 20:42
  Christie: It could just be, like, you're saying Ellen, a season that they just need to remind her, Hey, we still have to do this.
• 20:48
  Christie: Okay.
• 20:48
  Michelle: Well, and I think it's after hearing you talk, I'd like to project how I would handle those things because I am intrinsically motivated to get things done so I can go do other things.
• 21:01
  Michelle: And recognizing as you were talking, I think I sometimes miss the fact that, you know, my children are made differently than I am, and I need to approach them differently based on that.
• 21:13
  Michelle: So I'm glad you reminded me of it.
• 21:15
  Cheryl: That's fantastic parenting.
• 21:16
  Cheryl: It's grace.
• 21:17
  Cheryl: It's love it's kindness and humility.
• 21:21
  Cheryl: Because we're a mess.
• 21:24
  Cheryl: And so our kids are a mess.
• 21:27
  Ellen: And it's just hard.
• 21:28
  Christie: It is, life is hard.
• 21:31
  Cheryl: Oh, but I love what you are verbalizing that relationship with your children and that we have to remember in the midst of dumb chores, that relationship is everything.
• 21:44
  Cheryl: And the big picture.
• 21:45
  Michelle: So speaking of all of this, I'm really curious about what Christie does with her kids.
• 21:52
  Michelle: Her kids are older Christie.
• 21:54
  Michelle: What do chores look like in your home?
• 21:56
  Christie: Yeah.
• 21:57
  Christie: Well, I mean, it's definitely changed since I was at your stage of parenting with my kids getting older.
• 22:03
  Christie: And one thing I've really struggled with is as they are getting older, they have more responsibilities outside of the house.
• 22:11
  Christie: They're getting jobs.
• 22:12
  Christie: They're in more activities, they're gone for school things more often.
• 22:16
  Christie: And so I've been struggling with knowing what should I expect of them at home now that they are busier outside of the house?
• 22:22
  Christie: And there's only so many hours in the day and it is the goal to get them to adulthood and then them not be at home so much.
• 22:30
  Christie: So, you know, do I start releasing them from some of their responsibilities or, but then not having, you know, lazy teenagers either.
• 22:39
  Ellen: Well, I think, kind of answering that, you're preparing them to be adults don't get to release their chores.
• 22:48
  Ellen: Somebody has to clean the kitchen.
• 22:50
  Ellen: Somebody has to clean the bathroom because now what you're teaching them is time management.
• 22:55
  Ellen: You know, they can keep their same amount of chores.
• 22:57
  Ellen: Teenagers have tons of energy until they don't, so that's part of the time management of saying, okay, you know, you got these things, you're going off to work.
• 23:08
  Ellen: Make sure you get your stuff done before you leave.
• 23:10
  Christie: That's good,
• 23:12
  Cheryl: That's really good because remember it's about their character.
• 23:16
  Cheryl: It's about preparing them to be adults and not the chores.
• 23:21
  Cheryl: And it is a little bit of a tricky balance, I can remember Rebecca and Alexare my older two and they did the kitchen together every night and then Alex fenced.
• 23:31
  Cheryl: And so he started going to fence several nights a week.
• 23:35
  Cheryl: And then what are we going to do?
• 23:37
  Cheryl: Is he going to go fence like that and come home and have to clean the kitchen?
• 23:41
  Cheryl: And so we sat down and talked about what are we going to do.
• 23:44
  Cheryl: And so then we started switching.
• 23:45
  Cheryl: She did it all one night and they would switch off and then he would be off the nights he was gone and then he would have to do the whole thing the next night, again, just time management.
• 23:58
  Cheryl: But I liked the talking about it rather than demanding it
• 24:02
  Christie: good getting creative and finding ways to get it all in.
• 24:06
  Cheryl: I really empathize with single moms because you want to develop your relationship and all this, but you have a lot of times the full responsibility of also following through Did you two struggle that your kids would leave a mess and have the really nice excuse?
• 24:24
  Cheryl: I'm sorry.
• 24:24
  Cheryl: I've got to go mom, or just slip out.
• 24:27
  Cheryl: It's a wreck.
• 24:28
  Cheryl: Do I go call them back in or do I leave it or do I clean it up?
• 24:33
  Christie: Definitely where they are in and out in between activities or responsibilities if they just dropped their stuff from one thing and move on to the next and yeah, I mean, I can have some compassion on their busy schedules to some extent, and I want to help them out and be there to serve them.
• 24:51
  Christie: But yeah, there comes to a time where you have to hold them accountable.
• 24:54
  Christie: Like you said, Ellen, that, you know, when you're an adult, you still have to clean your own toilet.
• 24:58
  Christie: And so you still have to do the things that are required of you.
• 25:02
  Christie: So, yeah, it's a challenge.
• 25:03
  Christie: Okay.
• 25:03
  Christie: So we have four girls one bathroom, so they mostly.
• 25:09
  Christie: You know, other than some of the bathroom things, they mostly do a lot in their room, but we did have to, say you can't leave everything everywhere.
• 25:18
  Christie: There's only one bathroom and four of you.
• 25:19
  Christie: So I don't have a good answer.
• 25:21
  Christie: It's just been messy because you have to respect each other's space.
• 25:24
  Christie: You have to respect your sisters when you're sharing, you know, and we had two in each room to two girls in each bedroom.
• 25:30
  Christie: So it's been messy.
• 25:32
  Christie: And it does, like you said, always come back to a heart issue of respecting your roommate or respecting the person you share this space with
• 25:38
  Ellen: well, I had an easy solution.
• 25:41
  Ellen: It's not a fun solution, but I had a little laundry bag.
• 25:44
  Ellen: And everything that's left out, goes in the basket.
• 25:47
  Ellen: And so then you either have to buy it back.
• 25:49
  Ellen: Oh no.
• 25:51
  Ellen: When you're like a teenager and you have cash, you, if you leave makeup and stuff all over the counter, it goes in the laundry basket.
• 25:59
  Ellen: If there's shoes in the living room, they go in the basket.
• 26:02
  Ellen: And so you either bought it back or you worked it off and, you know, I think with all of these things, when we're helping our children to grow up, you just have to mix it up a bit, but that was always a really effective thing.
• 26:16
  Ellen: Some of my kids didn't want to buy back this shirt.
• 26:20
  Ellen: Wasn't that important to him.
• 26:22
  Ellen: He went to the Goodwill.
• 26:23
  Christie: So keep it.
• 26:25
  Christie: I keep a lot of my girls.
• 26:26
  Cheryl: That's an advantage when they get older can change clothes for them to come get yours.
• 26:32
  Cheryl: I love that Ellen.
• 26:34
  Cheryl: I did that when they were little.
• 26:36
  Cheryl: I wish you had told me that 15 years ago I would have used that.
• 26:39
  Michelle: Wow.
• 26:40
  Michelle: Now I learned a way to make some money.
• 26:42
  Ellen: Oh no, seriously.
• 26:44
  Ellen: I used to.
• 26:45
  Ellen: Keep a jar of money.
• 26:46
  Ellen: Thank you guys.
• 26:47
  Ellen: This pays for my lunch with my friend, you know, so when it did
• 26:51
  Christie: so good,
• 26:52
  Ellen: I mean, if we weren't charging them$20, it was like, you want it back.
• 26:55
  Ellen: It's a quarter, put it in my lunch jar.
• 26:57
  Christie: So I have some kids, I would say it was worth it though.
• 27:00
  Ellen: They're at that age are making their choices, but you know, if you only have one tube of mascara and it's in the basket and you got to buy it back, you're going to think next time about leaving that out.
• 27:11
  Ellen: And of course there's always exceptions.
• 27:13
  Ellen: There's the time where it's a legitimate, like it is for us.
• 27:16
  Ellen: You're in a hurry.
• 27:17
  Ellen: You got behind.
• 27:18
  Ellen: That's where we give grace and kindness.
• 27:21
  Ellen: And we understand that happens occasionally.
• 27:24
  Ellen: But it's the training to remember pick up your stuff, pick up your stuff.
• 27:28
  Cheryl: What else?
• 27:29
  Cheryl: Something else.
• 27:29
  Michelle: I was thinking to I bring our younger kids into this rhythm of chores?
• 27:35
  Michelle: I don't have anything specifically assigned except making his bed and getting dressed.
• 27:42
  Michelle: And he needs a little bit of help sometimes with his bed, but he can do that.
• 27:47
  Michelle: What would be something I could add or bring him alongside to do Do you think that's an appropriate age?
• 27:54
  Michelle: First of all, to add him to something
• 27:57
  Cheryl (2): we were talking last time about some of the things we did.
• 28:01
  Cheryl (2): And so we even started by Macy's age already helping the fold laundry.
• 28:06
  Cheryl (2): To be a part of the family.
• 28:07
  Cheryl (2): There's unloading the dishwasher.
• 28:09
  Cheryl (2): They're setting the table.
• 28:11
  Cheryl (2): There's removing things from the table to the counter, by the sink, a little too little, do the cleaning of it, but he can do those things.
• 28:19
  Cheryl (2): And if you have something.
• 28:21
  Cheryl (2): Not a broom, but if you have a swifter or something that vacuums and sucks, that's small enough that he's tall enough.
• 28:28
  Cheryl (2): He could even do some of the floor.
• 28:30
  Cheryl (2): But I would start doing it because.
• 28:34
  Cheryl (2): It's the character development that we are all part of the family and all of us contribute and we've contributed on different levels, different times, but I would start talking with them about it.
• 28:45
  Cheryl (2): How excited you are.
• 28:46
  Cheryl (2): He's getting older.
• 28:48
  Cheryl (2): Wow.
• 28:49
  Cheryl (2): He's really a part of the family.
• 28:50
  Cheryl (2): And here's one way I would work a lot of philosophy in there.
• 28:54
  Cheryl (2): and then maybe if.
• 28:57
  Cheryl (2): You don't think he's really gung ho about it.
• 29:00
  Cheryl (2): You might say, well, which one of these would you like to learn first.Bringing him in, have him talk about it and then start regularly doing it and realizing again, you're starting all over with a different personality.
• 29:13
  Cheryl (2): Different motivations.
• 29:15
  Cheryl (2): And you're starting the training process because simply because you're taught your older two, how to tie shoes, he still has to learn.
• 29:21
  Cheryl (2): Right.
• 29:22
  Cheryl (2): And so does that make sense
• 29:23
  Michelle: Yes.
• 29:24
  Michelle: Yes.
• 29:24
  Michelle: I like how you're talking about getting him excited and giving him a choice as to what he would like to start with.
• 29:32
  Ellen: And usually when they're kind of young, they think it's fun.
• 29:35
  Ellen: Right?
• 29:36
  Ellen: It's only as they get older that the glow wears off, especially
• 29:40
  Christie: the younger ones have big siblings because now they feel big.
• 29:43
  Christie: Right.
• 29:44
  Christie: I feel like I'm doing what my big sister, big brother are doing.
• 29:47
  Ellen: I think it's funny because when my, we have 16 grandchildren and two of our grandchildren love our little Roomba And so they'll come and they'll sit in the family room and ask us to turn the Roomba on, to watch the kitchen getting vacuumed.
• 30:02
  Ellen: You'd think that was the most entertaining thing in the world.
• 30:06
  Ellen: And they'll sit there, laughing their heads off as the thing spins around, you know, getting up stuff up.
• 30:12
  Cheryl: Moms, this has been fantastic.
• 30:14
  Cheryl: Christie and Michelle, thank you so much for coming in.
• 30:17
  Michelle: It gave me a lot to think about.
• 30:20
  Ellen: Thanks for your good questions, because those are the universal questions.
• 30:24
  Ellen: Whether you live in a hut in the middle of nowhere or a mansion,
• 30:28
  Christie: That is really good.
• 30:29
  Christie: My girls have said my older girls that have moved out and had roommates, they have said they can always tell a roommate who did not have chores growing up and that their families were able to hire help to do those things rather than having to be trained to, to learn, to do them themselves.
• 30:45
  Christie: So, yeah, it makes it a big difference
• 30:47
  Cheryl: we're out of time, but I do want to close with this.
• 30:49
  Cheryl: It's everything we're talking about.
• 30:51
  Cheryl: It's not about a clean house.
• 30:53
  Cheryl: It's not about making it an easier load on moms.
• 30:57
  Cheryl: It's all about their character and ours as well.
• 30:59
  Christie: So true
• 31:00
  Cheryl (2): until Next time moms remember, hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
• 31:10
  Ellen: Yes, it is.