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Transcript

Yunez Chaib podcast · Comedy Central Stand-Up

• 0:02
  Comedy Central Podcast Hi Hi Hostia. You applaud me as if you knew me
• 0:19
  or something and in fact you don' t know many people. This is
• 0:22
  the first thing I record in Comedy Central as a stand- up and I
• 0:27
  ' ve been performing in Palma de Mallorca for about five years and from time
• 0:32
  to time they call me from a local newspaper, always the same to always
• 0:37
  do the same interview. Every six months you see that you stay a blank
• 0:41
  page and pull the agenda and they come up to the Greek and that I
• 0:48
  am they reach to the fucking gre don' t wait, wait and I
• 0:52
  realized that they are not interviews to an emerging comedian, but they are interviews
• 0:57
  to a Moor who does something already is a Moor who does something we are
• 1:08
  going to call him and tell us what you do and in fact, even
• 1:12
  the nuance is different because it is interviews to a Moor who does something good,
• 1:19
  you know and fuck that up. He' s fucking with me,
• 1:21
  man, he' s fucking with me. And once they asked me yunez
• 1:23
  you, what do you think of terrorism. I mean, maybe my answer
• 1:38
  will get to you as I tell you, no, because you might.
• 1:42
  You expect me to tell you, because I think it' s wrong.
• 1:44
  No, but because those things don' t ask, man, you,
• 1:48
  what do you think of terrorism? Imagine what I' m saying, well,
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  look, I was so clear about it so far, but your question
• 1:55
  has clicked on my head. Your question clicked, Uncle, and now for
• 1:59
  your thing like that. And if he ever told you, then look,
• 2:01
  I think that neither terrorism nor pacifism know how to roll, roll an intermediate
• 2:14
  point. Terrorism is wrong, but pacifism. Uncle man, neither one thing
• 2:19
  nor the other didn' t hit last year or last year' s favorite
• 2:25
  Twitter moment. Well, you know that from time to time someone tweets saying
• 2:30
  I' ve finally overcome an illness or I' ve finally found a job.
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  And like, since it' s a social network with a lot of
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  hate, that' s like a lot of love all of a sudden and
• 2:43
  everybody turns cool. I' m happy for you, even if I don
• 2:46
  ' t know you, I love you so much as my favorite moment last
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  year was a kid who uploads a video, walking like that in rehab,
• 2:54
  learning to walk and writing. I had a brain tumor. I was in
• 2:59
  a coma for 12 months. The doctors said he wouldn' t survive and
• 3:01
  if he did, he' d never walk again. And here I am
• 3:07
  walking. Thank you very much to Itana. Your music helped me. It
• 3:13
  ' s nice, not because your Italian music helped a guy in rehab,
• 3:16
  because this phone got into his head. All that and fuck the pretty one
• 3:23
  because it went well. And sixteen thousand re twits, sixteen thousand people like
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  that. You' re a hero example to follow. That' s how
• 3:32
  we want millions of comments. You' re a fucking master is crack.
• 3:36
  I don' t know what. Suddenly, an aunt shares a screenshot saying
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  uh, this guy harassed me for instagram and suddenly another aunt, uh,
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  harassed me too. This guy' s me, too. And the uncle
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  his only fourth was not me. I was in a coma. I was
• 3:53
  in a coma and suddenly a lot of people start going down on their Twitter
• 3:59
  and they start watching fuck. He' s got a lot of super-
• 4:01
  machista tweets. I' m super racist this guy in the shit and like
• 4:05
  sixteen thousand retuitches in your favor are against you and the guy' s like
• 4:10
  the tsunami of the impossible coming on him collecting his old twists so that no
• 4:15
  one sees them. And just like people you' re shit, you'
• 4:19
  re gonna mulberry, you go back to the hospital. People a guy and
• 4:25
  he says I' ve never removed a like that fast. Suddenly, Aitana,
• 4:32
  who only sees the first tweet of all, who is beautiful and who
• 4:41
  hasn' t lifted a carpet that is full of shit, gives the retweet
• 4:46
  of the year to that and comments oh how pretty and people don' t
• 4:58
  ha. There it is complicated, it complicates UFFF that what I think of
• 5:05
  this, since the author has to be separated from the patient. In these
• 5:09
  cases it is necessary to know how to separate the perpetrator from the patient.
• 5:15
  Ufff Hostia. That' s my favorite Twitter moment last year, my favorite
• 5:18
  moment from a few years ago in real life was that I went to my
• 5:23
  grandparents' camp, which is in northern Morocco. And whenever I go,
• 5:28
  like I leave every two years, or that and I always find new cousins
• 5:30
  that I didn' t know and that I don' t want to love
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  them either, because it' s like an emotional attachment of people from another
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  culture that in the end clashes with me, because I' m western,
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  you know, and these people that I see, see, I' m
• 5:50
  western, my grandparents, no, my parents are there and I' m
• 5:55
  already there and I' ve already assimilated that I' m not going to
• 5:58
  have an emotional attachment to people that are my cousins. But I don'
• 6:00
  t do it, but about two years ago I met a cousin who was
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  a charmer, that is, she stole my heart and we were, like,
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  three months playing at Plan Guau, like she felt like a cousin'
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  s sister' s love to fuck. I feel an emotional attachment. I
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  like her so much, and after summer my grandmother comes to me and she
• 6:19
  tells me to see and I don' t understand the fucking language. So
• 6:27
  what I just did is super racist, because I speak four languages. My
• 6:32
  grandmother only talks one and they don' t match. And besides, she,
• 6:36
  she just talks. She, uh, only speaks speaking because wrighting didn
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  ' t have it. He only speaks half a language and we don'
• 6:46
  t understand each other. And I tell her, I tell her, Mom,
• 6:49
  that my grandmother wanted to say on this and my mother tells me,
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  there' s something like a arranged wedding between you and your cousin and me
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  that I like mom, no, no, no to my mom, I
• 7:02
  ' m western, I don' t do these things. I don'
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  t know what' s going on, tell me how it' s said
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  in Arabs, just folk friends. It gives me my commitment, I'
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  m afraid of commitment. I' m fucking from the West, I'
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  m scared of engagement. I don' t commit to anyone. But we
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  have to commit to hell, we have to commit to the family, to
• 7:28
  the friends, to the couple, like I need to learn to commit.
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  And every Sunday I say come I go to my parents' house and eat
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  with them and I realized that we are waiting in the living room for the
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  food to be made, because it is baked and such we are talking there.
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  My mother tells me my mother, she tells me to go to the
• 7:48
  lord throw spices and throw fennel at her. For some reason, my mother
• 7:56
  separates fennel from spices. And my only theory is that he' s been
• 8:03
  eating racism for 20 years in Mallorca, eating racism every fucking day and he
• 8:07
  said this, I have to get him out somewhere. Dude, fucking fennel
• 8:11
  fennel coming in here, dude with the fucking fennel, he pays for it
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  with the fennel and I seas are his stuff, we' re lives,
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  his. And in time I tell Mom, I have such a problem in
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  class. I don' t know what and he tells me to throw fennel
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  at that, throw fennel at him. And there he kind of clicked me
• 8:31
  in the pussy brain, my mom confuses fennel with eyeballing him? Ha ha
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  ha ha ha ha EEAEEEA no, my mother has been confusing fennel with her
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  all her life? And from there you flash backs to my past like,
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  make him angry at the traffic light because maybe in his head the Spanish saying
• 9:00
  goes hand in hand with spices. You know, sir' s cumin is
• 9:05
  inscrutable, Mr Uncle Ufff' s cumin. I' m look, I
• 9:16
  ' ve got, I' m racist, like good Western, I'
• 9:20
  m like good Western, I' m pretty racist. And there' s
• 9:24
  one thing, that there' s an issue that' s kind of worth
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  this right now I' ve got super normalized, and there are people that
• 9:33
  today among us there are people who are called Matamoros. I' ve got
• 9:37
  it super normalized. Hey, I can be your friend. If they call
• 9:39
  you Matamoros, we can be roommates quietly that I' m not really going
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  to worry about, but I remember the first time I heard that last name
• 9:48
  in my fucking life, uncle with seven years in class, it comes to
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  a guy named Javier Matamoros. That Javier Matamoros, and I, with my
• 9:56
  logic of seven years in plan, okay, yes, blacksmith is that you
• 10:00
  people worked in a blacksmith' s shop. What the fuck did this guy
• 10:03
  ' s grandfather do, what the fuck did I go to that guy'
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  s footprint is like I think it' s okay, yeah, if I
• 10:11
  have a girlfriend who' s from Matamoros' s country, I don'
• 10:13
  t want to go to that Christmas dinner. I' m really sorry,
• 10:16
  but I don' t want to get into it. Okay, I don
• 10:18
  ' t want to get into that. And with my logic of twenty-
• 10:28
  six years, I think it' s okay if Christopher Columbus went to South
• 10:37
  America and did what he did, because nowadays there' s no last name
• 10:41
  kills Sudacas No. No, moment, silly, moment, moment, because
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  Matamoro del Guay but kills Sudacas. There should be a lot more Sweat Killer
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  than Sweater Killer. Between us they are more. Fuck, no, no,
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  moment, moment, moment, moment, moment, because I don'
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  t want to. I don' t want a world where I have the
• 11:01
  privileges of a white guy and there isn' t a matamoro there. I
• 11:05
  don' t want that. I want the South Americans to be just as
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  fucked up as I am as a minority, and there' s a Sweat
• 11:20
  Killer, Fuck, Fuck for every Sweepy Killer, a Sweepy Killer. It
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  looks like a hell of a lot to me for every slayer or a scoundrel,
• 11:31
  some Serbian scoundrel just in case for what might happen in the future.
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  But wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a
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  minute. It also happens that nowadays they do not kill Moors? Don'
• 11:41
  t you kill Moors these days? It' s a phrase you can say
• 11:46
  quietly. Today no Moors are killed, so that last name is like obsolete.
• 11:52
  You can' t go around saying you' re called moths when you
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  don' t kill Moors. But maybe it would have to change, it
• 11:58
  would have to evolve badly looking moros. Thank you so much for two everything.