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142: My Biggest Regret? Not Speaking Up Sooner · Harder Than Life

• 0:07
  I'm Kelly Siegel, and this is Harder Than Life, a podcast about self-love, self-awareness, business, and health. We tell outrageous stories and boil everything down to simple, practical advice you can start using today. Let's get living.
• 0:23
  Hey everyone, Kelly Siegel here. Welcome back to Heart of Life. Today we're diving deep into what inspired me finally to stand up for myself. This isn't just my story. It's a call to action for everyone who feels like they're stuck. Staying quiet or letting life happen to them instead of making life happen for them.
• 0:44
  This topic matters because we've all been there, feeling overshadowed, stepped on, or silent when we know you should speak up. I want to share my journey of breaking free from that and show you how you can do the same. By the end of the episode, you'll not only understand how to stand up for yourself, but why it's essential for your happiness, your success, and peace of mind.
• 1:10
  For years, I chased validation through job titles, bigger paychecks, and even relationships. I thought external success would finally make me feel worthy. There's a key insight here that no matter how much I achieved, I felt like I wasn't enough. And worse, I let people walk all over me, taking credit for my ideas or disrespecting my boundaries. This happened in my business ventures with a former business partner.
• 1:40
  Not wanting to look cocky or arrogant, I took a backseat to our financial success. I let them take credit for the sales, even though I had found the prospect and closed them. I felt empty as if, what am I doing? Why am I doing this? Do I really need my partner? Do I really need to be accepted? I even felt selfish for feeling this way. I didn't speak up because I was having fun.
• 2:04
  making money, and didn't know how to use my words. I figured everything would work out. I simply didn't trust myself or what I would say. Thinking about this now deeply upsets me. By allowing this, I got myself unliked and left alone by these people that I had helped. Think about it. The exact outcome I was hoping to avoid happened anyway.
• 2:30
  Additionally, I abandoned myself. Saying yes to them was saying no to myself. Never again. There is a moment of truth where you need to confront the man in the mirror. One night, I literally looked at myself and said, why am I letting this happen? Why am I waiting for someone else to fight for me when I can't fight for myself?
• 2:55
  I was feeling anger, sadness, and even the realization that no one else can rescue me. So I had an internal decision. That night I made a promise to myself, no more. I was done playing small, done staying silent, and done letting others define my worth. I didn't realize that when I was placating others, I was actually abandoning myself. And if you followed my story, abandonment is on repeat.
• 3:24
  This is actively not choosing me and I am the chosen one now because I always choose me. What I do in this, to be specific, is I always ask myself, what does little Kelly need at this moment? And you should too. This commonly referred to as people pleasing. Just don't do it.
• 3:43
  it ends up pleasing no one. Take it from me. I suffered through it, and I have the bills to prove it. This is extremely common in romantic relationships. Always putting your partner's needs above your own for the good of the relationship. That isn't it, people.
• 4:00
  It's two whole people coming together, meeting their own needs and not needing, but wanting from the other. So we have to have a mindset shift here. That was the first time I truly understand that self-respect starts from within. If you don't respect yourself, no one else will. So I discovered my why for my self-respect.
• 4:24
  Self-respect is the foundation. Self-respect is where everything starts. If you don't value your own time, ideas, and energy, no one else will either. There is a fear of regret versus the fear of failure. I realized I'd rather face the discomfort of failure than live with the regret of never trying.
• 4:47
  Facing discomfort for growth means standing up for yourself. And it isn't easy at first. It's uncomfortable. And you'll feel the resistance. But the discomfort is the price of leveling up. So difficult conversations are only difficult because we label them that way. I go into these conversations with a positive intent and the desire for a positive outcome. And they most oftentimes will.
• 5:12
  So I seek to understand before being understood and I attack the issue, not the person. And finally, the most important thing is curiosity beats criticism. Listen twice as much as you talk, but hold your ground firmly. I was negotiating recently with an NTM customer who wanted a massive discount. And in IT, there's no volume discounts because more computers, more devices, equals more work, places that need protection.
• 5:40
  I know exactly what our costs are. And in previous versions of me, I would have caved just to make the customer happy. I didn't. Ended up ordering less, but paid the full price. It was a win for everybody. There's a book, Never Split the Difference by Chris Foss. Read it and you'll understand these discussions. Done properly will actually strengthen your relationship.
• 6:07
  Only when one side win and one side loses do these negotiations go south. Besides, we have the best freaking IT cybersecurity money can buy. I'm not giving it away, especially after the years of research and development that we've put into this and the processes and procedures. I'm selling the proof, not the promise. So no way, no how.
• 6:30
  We've worked our butts off and we deserve it. And in the end, the client appreciated it. I've said a thousand times that action is the antidote to everything. Once I made the decision to value myself, I started speaking up consistently in meetings, in relationships. That was my big one. And even in my own self-talk.
• 6:53
  Let me remind you several small wins equals a big one builds massive confidence. I do wanna rewind back and go to that and say, the self-talk was a massive one. Whenever I speak poorly of myself, I interrupt, and I talk back to it and say, hey, that's not what winners say, and I interrupt that. So start small.
• 7:19
  and move up to taking bigger and larger actions. Much like at the gym. You wouldn't rack 225 pounds on the bench press the first time you start. You would start with 95, get comfortable with that, then move to 135, and then 175, and so on and so forth. Get comfortable and build the confidence
• 7:40
  and your ability to do that. I also started setting boundaries. I also began protecting my time and my mental space. If something felt wrong, I addressed it right then and there instead of letting it slide. I use this habit daily with my daughter and my girlfriend.
• 7:58
  And oftentimes with coworkers and clients at NTM as well. I might have overcorrected and could have let a few things slide recently. And my girlfriend is literally going to kill me when she hears this, but it's going to land with the fellas. And hopefully you women will experience an aha moment. And let me start by saying my girlfriend is beautifully naturally. She is stunning both inside and out.
• 8:24
  She has a ritual of getting ready that takes two hours. Fellas, two hours. So think about that. When you're ready to go do something, you got to give a two-hour buffer. So every once in a while, we receive a call from friends or perhaps I simply need to eat. And she has this ritual.
• 8:42
  So in fact, the only thing we have ever had a disagreement about, this is the only thing we've ever argued about. One day I was starving and let's say, let's go to a specific restaurant. And she started a ritual. I said, oh no.
• 8:56
  We're going now. I was hungry, hangry, and it was not a good setup. So of course, we didn't go now. But she shortened her ritual, and we had a nice dinner. And at that dinner, we discussed why this was important to me. It wasn't patience, by the way. I see this as a mask for her both literally and physically, and it makes me uneasy, which is an entire different podcast on healing.
• 9:26
  She understood where I was coming from. I understood her desire to look beautiful. And we have a 30 minute ritual now in case of emergency. As this has a ripple effect. So the impact on the relationships, when you start respecting yourself, something amazing happens. People start respecting you more. And those who don't, they naturally fall away. This all aligns with my core values.
• 9:57
  makes me feel better and standing up for yourself. It creates the alignment with who you're supposed to be. You would start attracting people, opportunities and circumstances that match your values and vision. Always warms my heart when someone either messages me or stops me and says, thank you.
• 10:16
  Thank you because if it were not for you, I wouldn't have stood up for myself. I would not have chosen myself. And I'm reminded of a friend who actually is the reason that we have the Heart of the Light coaching community. I was unofficially coaching him and my significant other kept overhearing me and said, you're really good. You definitely should coach. That's not my point.
• 10:39
  Recently, my friend became involved in a romantic relationship with a similar type person that he normally would choose that always ends poorly. On the surface, though, this one was different. She said all the right things and showed most of them. Fast forward a couple of months and my guy ended things with her.
• 10:57
  and called to thank me. That feeling of helping someone make decisions differently and choose themselves, ooh, that makes me continue on this harder than life journey. There are unexpected benefits though. Not only did I feel more confident, but I also noticed that I was happier, more at peace, and more focused on what really matters.
• 11:23
  So the key takeaways from this episode and tip number one, acknowledge your worth. Start by writing down, I deserve to be heard or I matter. Repetition rewires your mindset. Let me be very specific. During the pandemic, I looked in the mirror and kept telling myself, I love myself. I love myself. I love it. And when I'm out of alignment, I do that again and again and again. Tip number two, start small.
• 11:52
  Practice standing up for yourself in low stakes situations, like with friends or family, before tackling bigger challenges at work or in business. Number three, embrace the discomfort. It's gonna feel weird, you've never done it before. When you feel that racing heart, or those shaky hands, lean into it.
• 12:15
  This discomfort is the sign you're growing. Growing is going. Remember that. If you've ever listened to anything I have ever said, it's to be the buffalo and run directly into the storm. The first time might end in disaster, but practice makes the master. And nobody is perfect the first time in anything.
• 12:37
  Use the fear as your fuel for a better life. And it starts by being about to stand up for yourself. But raise your argument, not your voice. Let me say that again. Raise your argument, not your voice.
• 12:51
  This is a short episode, guys, so I'm going to wrap up and give you some reflections. No one's coming to save you. If you want respect, you have to show the world how to treat you by how you treat yourself. I'm living proof that standing up for yourself is the first step to creating a life you love. If I can do it, so can you.
• 13:15
  As always, I want to hear from you. Share a moment when you stood up for yourself or wish you had and DM me on Instagram. Let's inspire others to be brave. This is Kelly Siegel with Harder Than Life. Until next time, keep pushing forward and never settle for less than you deserve. Stay strong, stay bold, and I'll catch you on the next Harder Than Life.
• 13:40
  Please rate and share this podcast. I'm active on all social platforms and love to hear from my Segal supporters. Each and every episode is sponsored by my company, National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with, delivering peace of mind with technology every day, even simplifying cybersecurity. Visit TrustNTM.com for more info. Until next week, be harder than life.