Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S3 Ep29: Laid-Back Laughs with Nate Bargatze 🤣

Transcript

S3 Ep29: Laid-Back Laughs with Nate Bargatze 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I've had three concussions in my life, and none of them because of sports.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Just just living life, man.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: You know, stuff happens in your head.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: What are you gonna do?
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: One was in high school.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: I got pushed into a wall head first, and it took them three class periods to figure out a head of concussion.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: That's how much I was bringing to the table.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: My dad is a magician, he's done that my entire life.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: He was a clown at the very beginning, just in case you're like, how do you get into something like that?
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Uh it goes clown and magic.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: There's two steps.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: You can take them in either order.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: He was I was born, he was a clown.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: It was never weird to me.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: I thought everybody's dad was a clown.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: My uh first memory of my life is I was five years old, and I remember my mom walked me out to the front yard, and our dad, my dad pulled up with this old red Mazda.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: He he's dressed as a clown.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't even faze me.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: That's just how he left.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: How else would he come home?
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: And the Easter bunny was in the passenger seat.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: That's the first thing that I remember to my life.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to know how you get into comedy, that's a pretty good nudge.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember it didn't fit, his the Easter bunny head didn't fit in the car, like he couldn't sit normal, so he had his head was bent to the side.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: And he I remember he had his seatbelt on, and he's just like, and I was like, I like to think about all the other people that saw that just in the car next to him, just at a red light.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: You're like, I didn't even know they hung out like that.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I do zero working out.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: Not even, I mean, I don't, it's not like you're like, whoa, wow.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's it's like, yeah, we figured that.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: Every hotel I go to, I ask if they have a gym.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even have clothes that I can work out of.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: There's no way.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, is it 24 hours?
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: I was gonna start tonight at midnight.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: So I was wondering if that's what I've learned, what's easier than working out is just tell people that used to weigh 300 pounds.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: That's a lot.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: They don't know, you know.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: So I've never weighed 300 pounds, but I look pretty amazing for a guy that used to weigh 300 pounds.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: You're like, yeah, I got tired of being tired, alright?
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: Today's my cheat day, obviously, but normally, normally I'm pretty strict.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: So me and my buddy, we rented a car, he's driving.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: On the way out there, I see a dead horse just laid out in this guy's yard.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I've never seen that before.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, man, I bet you don't think about that.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: When you buy a horse, it dying.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: You know, what do you do?
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: That's a huge thing dying in your yard.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: You can't just scoot it off into the woods with your foot and try to get another one that matches before the kids come home.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: You have to tell your wife to keep the kids away for a month.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta Google how to move a dead horse.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta probably try to get another horse to help you do it, and that's not easy.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: That's what the blinders were invented for, because it's like just look ahead.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: Don't worry about what's going on back.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: No, look.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: Or you gotta get your friends to help you do it, and you can't spill the beans too quick on that.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: You think it's hard for them to help you move a couch?
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: Try a dead horse.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta lie to them, like we're getting a divorce.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Just come over, bring your truck and some gloves.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: And when they get there, let me tell you, they're gonna see it, alright?
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody saw it.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: It was next to the road.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: And they're gonna pull into that driveway and just be like, I don't think they're getting a divorce at all.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: I think we're here to move that dead horse, is what I think.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: I just don't eat anything healthy.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: I eat like, I like apples, but I only like pre-cut apples.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to eat uh, I won't eat a whole one, you know.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not a horse, alright?
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: So could you guys do some work over there at the apple factory?
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: You know, however apples get out here.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I've watched a lot of the documentaries that try to make you eat better.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like I watched uh Fed Up, and it's just it's about all the food that I eat every day.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: There was nothing in it that I haven't had recently.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: You know that saying, like, I haven't had that in forever?
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: I haven't said that in forever.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: There's nothing, there's nothing I haven't had.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: Hair heads, that's usually something like, oh, are they still doing good?
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, they're doing great.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: They got more colors now, it's pretty fun, you know.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: On the way back, since my buddy was driving, he did not see the dead horse, you know, and I'm like, well, you can't not see it.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: So it's just one road, and I was like, I'll just show you where it's at.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: So we get, we're driving, and we get to it, I was like, it's right here.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I pointed, and the horse was standing up doing unbelievable.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: One of the healthier horses that I've ever seen.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: So I learned that horses lay down to sleep.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: I did not know that.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what I thought before that day.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: That they locked their knees.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: That's why they have four knees.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I I would have probably argued with you about it.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: People always talk to me very easy to or dumb.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like if I talk to a stranger, I can always feel it.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it's my eyes.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: I have big eyes, you know?
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: And so I just get a lot of like, you still will be, man.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm just sitting there, like, yeah, man, I was I'm listening.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, All right, I don't know, felt like you could have been anywhere, you know.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: And our daughter, she's six now, but she was five at the time.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: This was the her first pet.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: She was best friends with this dog, and it was the first thing that was gonna die in her lifetime.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: So it's a lot of stuff to have to explain to a kid, you know?
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: And so I was talking to my wife about like how are we gonna tell her?
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: And at first I was like, let's just act like we didn't have a dog.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: Five-year-olds are smart, but if we stick together on this, and she comes home from school and it's like, where's the dog?
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: And we're like, what dog?
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't I've never seen a dog.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: Don't you think I would know if there was a dog?
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: But I read an article about the long-term damage of that.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's pretty good.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I was just honest with her.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I told her, I set her down, I said, Look, Annie's very sick and she's older, and she's gonna die soon.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: This happens, so just love her as much as you can right now.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: And she took it as good as a five-year-old can take it.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: So the next day I kind of told her again, you gotta tell kids over and over again.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: I kind of kept telling her, I didn't want this to be a surprise.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: And then Annie surprised us by living six months longer.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, we were way off on when we thought she was gonna die.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: But I already started telling my daughter I didn't want to stop and then have to start it again.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: So I just kept it up for six months.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: Every day I was like, she'll die.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: All right, she will die.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: She will die, I will die, your mom's dead.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: I went into one, I was trying to buy, I go to I was trying to buy a hammock.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: So I go in, I go back to where I imagine the hammocks live, and I went up to this guy and I was like, hey man, do you guys sell hammocks?
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: And he was like, What's a hammock?
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: And it threw me off enough that I was like, Am I saying it wrong?
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I think I'm saying it wrong, because you know what it is.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, is it hammock with a T?
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: Does that sound right?
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like, do you guys sell hammocks?
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: And he was like, We're out of hammocks, we're out of them.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's hammock season.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I left, went to my car, Googled where to buy a hammock, and Google was like, Do you mean hammock?
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, sure do, Google.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: Where were you at during all of this?
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: The other embarrassing part of that is so it happened, and then I I called like a comic buddy of mine to tell him the story.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, this is funny, right?
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: But then I asked him, I was like, hey, do you think if I was if I tell people I was buying a hammock, is that gonna come off like I'm bragging?
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like, for some reason, in my head, that's just like a wealthy purchase.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that's a hammock at Walmart.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like, an audience would be like, whoa, alright, I didn't know we were just hearing about how good you're doing.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um man, what's it like to have two trees that close together?
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Is it I got a reversible jacket at home, and I have two of them because I didn't know it was reversible.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Bought them at the same time, tried them both on separately, like the black one, thought, might as well get the blue one too.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Went and laid them up there, and I remember they go, Are you sure?
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: I go, Yeah, I think I know what I'm doing here, right?
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: So I go into a Starbucks and I get to the front and I was like, uh, I'll take an iced coffee with cream.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, with cream, I go with cream.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: And then she goes, iced coffee with cream, I go iced coffee with cream.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: She goes with cream, I go with cream.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: And she said it one more time.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: She said, so iced coffee with cream, and at that point, I should have said, What's going on right now?
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: Where are you at in your head?
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: Because I I feel like we're in two different places.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: But I was nervous and there was people behind me, and I was like, cream or no cream.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: Honestly, I'll give you$20 if you let me leave right now.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: I cannot, this is the most I can talk about this.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even know what's happening anymore.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: So I paid, I go stand in line, you know, where you gotta wait for your drink.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: There's like five of us waiting for our drinks.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: So she puts the iced coffee up there first, no cream, and I was like, whatever.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'll just do it myself, you know.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like I don't like doing it myself, but I was like, alright, I'll just do it.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: So before I could get it, she's walked back with a can of whipped cream and she's shaking it.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm just looking at it, like thinking that's someone else's.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, someone's getting whipped cream.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: That's fun.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: One of you guys are getting whipped cream.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I look down and she starts spraying the whipped cream on top of my iced coffee.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: She just yells out, iced coffee whipped cream, yells it out.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: The other four people, they turn their back, like they don't want you to accidentally think that's what they ordered.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm just left alone, like that's what you thought I said over there?
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: You don't think I would have said iced coffee whipped whipped cream?
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: You think I'm just some nut job?
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's like I've got too many problems in this Starbucks, so I'm only gonna use the words that I want and no other words.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: Iced coffee whipped cream cup.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: And they didn't have a top for it.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: So whipped cream, it doesn't sink and become less embarrassing.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: It moves.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's like a buoy in an ocean that everybody sees.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm just walking through the crowd like this is my favorite drink.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if you guys drink this at all.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: Is anybody nobody does this?
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm surprised.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I walked outside and threw it away and tried again at a different Starbucks.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: The dumbest I've ever been talked to, there's uh I like to golf.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: And so a guy was telling me there's a real golf course in North Carolina where they have llamas or the caddies.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: So if you know anything about golf, I mean you know a caddy is it usually carries your back around, it tells you how far you are from the hole, just it helps you out.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: So this course, they have llamas.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: So you put your golf bag on a llama and it carries your bag.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: So he told me that, and then he looks into my big dumb eyes.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: And he goes, just so you know, llamas can't talk, though.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, that's the question he was trying to get ahead of as he looked into my stupid eyes.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like he just feels like I'm gonna say it so that guy doesn't have to say it.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: The best wedding I've ever been to was my cousin's wedding.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: It was a real redneck affair.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: It was right outside Louisville, Kentucky, where my parents are from.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: And my cousin's name is Tuesday, which is a good start.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: The invitation said Tuesday's getting married, rehearsal's Friday, wedding Saturday.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: People were like, we gotta be there Monday for this wedding.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: How long is this wedding?
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's a week.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: We get there, I'm wearing a button-down shirt, khaki pants, nothing crazy.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm wildly overdressed.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: I look like I work there.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: Uh everybody else just has a football or basketball jersey on.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: My uncle, his daughters get married, he has his tuxedo jacket, pants, cumber bun, bow tie, no shirt.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: They forgot his shirt, and instead of waiting to go get it, he was like, Let's do it without it, right?
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like that's and he doesn't have a body that's like, that's cool, man.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know, he has a body that you're like, you're like, put your jacket on backwards, flip it around.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: And then you see his back, and you're like, alright, go back to regular way.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's my fault.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: I don't how's your back worse than your front?
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: Uh we go into the church, it's bride and groom, looks like it's home and away.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: That's how many jerseys are in there.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: Uh guys are drinking beers in the church.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that's something I've never heard.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: A pastor be like, guys, could we not drink alcohol in the church?
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: And they're like, Oh, didn't know this was the nice part of town.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: Uh the reception is next door, just at a lady's house, like in her backyard.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like, she doesn't do it, isn't like she's like, and I do receptions all the time.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: We were her one and only reception.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: So we walk over, they took a horse and buggy.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: The horse was the oldest horse I've ever seen.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: I thought it was a donkey, I thought they got a deal on a donkey.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: And the guy was like, this horse was in the Kentucky Derby.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: Like, the first one that they did?
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: Is that Secretary's father?
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: How old is this horse, man?
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: You know they lay down, right?