Latest / Motivation Mindset Podcast / It’s Your Life: Time to Get Serious and Take Control

Transcript

It’s Your Life: Time to Get Serious and Take Control · Motivation Mindset Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Standards of better or worse are not illusory or unnecessary.
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: If you hadn't decided that what you are doing right
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: now was better than the alternatives, you wouldn't be doing it.
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: The idea of a value free choice is a contradiction
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: in terms value judgments are a precondition for action. Furthermore,
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: every activity, once chosen, comes with its own internal standards
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: of accomplishment. If something can be done at all, it
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: can be done.
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  Speaker 2: Better or worse.
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: To do anything at all is therefore, to play a
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: game with a defined and valued end, which can always
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: be reached more or less efficiently and elegantly. Every game
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: comes with its chance of success or failure. Differentials in
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  Speaker 1: quality are omnipresent. Furthermore, if there was no better and worse,
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  Speaker 1: nothing would be worth doing. There would be no value
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: and therefore no meaning. Why make an effort if it
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: doesn't improve anything? Meaning itself requires the difference between better
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: and worse. How then, can the voice of critical self
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: consciousness be stilled? Where are the flaws in the apparently
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: impeccable logic of its message? We might start by considering
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  Speaker 1: the all too black and white words themselves, success or failure.
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  Speaker 1: You are either a success, a comprehensive singular over all
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  Speaker 1: good thing or its opposite, A failure over all good
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: thing or its opposite, a failure a comprehensive singular. The
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  Speaker 1: words imply no alternative and no middle ground. However, in
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: a world as complex as ours, such generalizations, or ally
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: such failure to differentiate, are a sign of naive, unsophisticated,
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: or even malevolent analysis. There are vital degrees and gradations
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  Speaker 1: of value obliterated by this binary system, and the consequences
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: are not good to begin with. There is not just
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  Speaker 1: one game at which to succeed or fail. There are
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  Speaker 1: many games, and more specifically, many good games. Games that
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  Speaker 1: match your talents, involve you productively with other people, and
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  Speaker 1: sustain and even improve themselves across time. Lawyer is a
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  Speaker 1: good game, so as plumber, physician, carpenter, or school teacher.
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: The world allows for many ways of being. If you
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  Speaker 1: don't succeed at one, you can try another. You can
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: pick something better match to your unique mix of strengths, weaknesses,
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  Speaker 1: and situation. Furthermore, if changing games does not work, you
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: can invent a new one. I recently watched a talent
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: show featuring a mime who taped his mouth shut and
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  Speaker 1: did something ridiculous with oven Mitz that was unexpected that original,
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  Speaker 1: it seemed to be working for him. It's also unlikely
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  Speaker 1: that you're playing only one game. You have a career
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  Speaker 1: and friends and family members, and personal projects and artistic
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  Speaker 1: endeavors and athletic pursuits. You might consider judging your success
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  Speaker 1: across all the games you play.
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: Imagine that you are very good.
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  Speaker 1: At some, middling at others, and terrible at the remainder.
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  Speaker 1: Perhaps that's how it should be. You might object, I
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  Speaker 1: should be winning at everything, but winning at everything might
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  Speaker 1: only mean that you're not doing anything new or difficult.
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  Speaker 1: You might be winning, but you're not growing, and growing
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  Speaker 1: might be the most important form of winning. Should victory
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  Speaker 1: in the present always take precedence over trajectory across time. Finally,
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  Speaker 1: you might come to realize that the specific of the
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  Speaker 1: many games you are playing are so unique to you,
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  Speaker 1: so individual, that comparison to others is simply inappropriate. Perhaps
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  Speaker 1: you are overvaluing what you don't have and undervaluing what
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  Speaker 1: you do. There's some real utility in gratitude. It's also
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: good protection against the dangers of victimhood and resentment. Your
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  Speaker 1: colleague outperforms you at work. His wife, however, is having
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  Speaker 1: an affair while your marriage.
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  Speaker 2: Is stable and happy. Who has it better?
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  Speaker 1: The celebrity you admire is a chronic drunk driver in
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  Speaker 1: bigot is his life truly preferable to yours? When the
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  Speaker 1: internal critic puts you down using such comparisons, here's how
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  Speaker 1: it operates. First, it selects a single arbitrary domain of comparison, fame, maybe,
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  Speaker 1: or power. Then it acts as if that domain is
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  Speaker 1: the only one that is relevant. Then it contrasts you
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  Speaker 1: on favorably with someone truly stellar within that domain. It
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: can take that final step even further, using the unbridgable
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  Speaker 1: gap between you and its target of comparison as evidence
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  Speaker 1: for the fundamental injustice of life. That way, your motivation
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  Speaker 1: to do anything at all can be most effectively undermined.
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  Speaker 1: Those who accept such an approach to self evaluation certainly
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  Speaker 1: can't be accused of making things too easy for themselves.
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  Speaker 1: But it's just as big a problem to make things
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  Speaker 1: too difficult.
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  Speaker 3: You take people, and I've told you this, and you
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  Speaker 3: expose them voluntarily to things that they are avoiding and
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  Speaker 3: are afraid of. You know that they know they need
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  Speaker 3: to overcome in order to meet their goals, their self
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  Speaker 3: defined goals. If you can teach people to stand up
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  Speaker 3: in the face of the things they're afraid of, they
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  Speaker 3: get stronger. And you don't know what the upper limits
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  Speaker 3: to that are, because you might ask yourself, like, if
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  Speaker 3: for ten years, if you didn't avoid doing what you
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  Speaker 3: knew you needed to do by your own definitions, right
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  Speaker 3: within the value structure that you've created, to the degree
• 6:02
  Speaker 3: that you've done that, what would you be like? Well,
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  Speaker 3: you know, there are remarkable people who come into the
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  Speaker 3: world from time to time, and there are people who
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  Speaker 3: do find out over decades long periods, what they could
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  Speaker 3: be like if they were who they were, if they
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  Speaker 3: said if they spoke there being forward, and they'd get
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  Speaker 3: stronger and stronger and stronger. And we don't know the
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  Speaker 3: limits to that. We do not know the limits to that.
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  Speaker 3: And so you could say, well, in part, perhaps the
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  Speaker 3: reason that you're suffering unbearably can be left at your
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  Speaker 3: feet because you're not everything you could be and you
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  Speaker 3: know it. And of course that's a terrible thing to admit,
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  Speaker 3: and it's a terrible thing to consider, but there's real
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  Speaker 3: promise in it, right because it means that perhaps there's
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  Speaker 3: another way that you could look at the world, and
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  Speaker 3: another way that you could act in the world, So
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  Speaker 3: what it would reflect back to you would be much
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  Speaker 3: better than what it reflects back to you.
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  Speaker 2: Now, when we.
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  Speaker 1: Are very young, we are neither individual nor informed. We
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  Speaker 1: have not had the time nor gained the wisdom to
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  Speaker 1: develop our own standards. In consequence, we must compare ourselves
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  Speaker 1: to others, because standards are necessary. Without them, there is
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  Speaker 1: nowhere to go and nothing to do. As we mature,
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  Speaker 1: we become, by contrast, increasingly individual and unique. The conditions
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  Speaker 1: of our lives become more and more personal and less
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  Speaker 1: and less comparable with those of others. Symbolically speaking, this
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  Speaker 1: means we must leave the house ruled by our father
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  Speaker 1: and confront the chaos of our individual being. We must
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  Speaker 1: take note of our disarray without completely abandoning that father.
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  Speaker 1: In the process. We must then rediscover the values of
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  Speaker 1: our culture, veiled from us by our ignorance, hidden in
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  Speaker 1: the dusty treasure trove of the past, rescue them, and
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  Speaker 1: integrate them into our own lives. This is what gives
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  Speaker 1: exist it's full and necessary meaning.
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: Who are you? You think you know? But maybe you don't.
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  Speaker 1: You are, for example, neither your own master nor your
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  Speaker 1: own slave. You cannot easily tell yourself what to do
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  Speaker 1: and compel your own obedience any more than you can
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  Speaker 1: easily tell your own obedience any more than you can
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  Speaker 1: easily tell your husband, wife's son, or daughter what to
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  Speaker 1: do and compel theirs. You are interested in some things
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  Speaker 1: and not in others. You can shape that interest, but
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  Speaker 1: there are limits. Some activities will always engage you, and
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  Speaker 1: others simply will not. You have a nature. You can
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  Speaker 1: play the tyrant to it, but you will certainly rebel.
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  Speaker 1: How hard can you force yourself to work and sustain
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  Speaker 1: your desire to work? How much can you sacrifice to
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  Speaker 1: your partner before generosity turns to resentment? What is it
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  Speaker 1: that you actually love? What is it that you genuinely want?
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: Before you can articulate your own standards of value, you
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: must see yourself as a stranger, And then you must
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: get to know yourself. What do you find valuable or pleasurable?
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  Speaker 1: How much leisure, enjoyment, and reward do you require so
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  Speaker 1: that you feel like more than a beast of burden?
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  Speaker 1: How must you treat yourself so you won't kick over
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  Speaker 1: the traces and smash up your corral. You could force
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  Speaker 1: yourself through your daily grind and kick your dog in frustration.
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  Speaker 1: When you come home, you could watch the precious days
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  Speaker 1: tick by, or you could learn how to entice yourself
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  Speaker 1: into sustainable productive activity. Do you ask yourself what you want?
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  Speaker 1: Do you negotiate fairly with yourself? Or are you a
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  Speaker 1: tyrant with yourself as slave? When do you dislike your parents,
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  Speaker 1: your spouse, or your children, and why what might be
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  Speaker 1: done about that? What do you need and want from
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  Speaker 1: your friends and your business partners. This is not a
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  Speaker 1: mere matter of what you should want. I'm not talking
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  Speaker 1: about what other people require from you, or your duties
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  Speaker 1: to them. I'm talking about determining the nature of your
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  Speaker 1: moral obligation to yourself. Should might enter into it because
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  Speaker 1: you are nested within a network of social obligations. Should
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  Speaker 1: is your responsibility, and you should live up to it.
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  Speaker 1: But this does not mean you must take the role
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  Speaker 1: of lap dog, obedient and harmless. That's how a dictator
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  Speaker 1: wants his slaves. There Instead, to be dangerous, dare to
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  Speaker 1: be truthful? Dare to articulate yourself and express, or at
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  Speaker 1: least become aware of what would really justify your life plan.
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  Speaker 3: A life you'd like to have. And you do that
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  Speaker 3: partly by referring to social norms. That's more or less
• 11:03
  Speaker 3: rescuing your father from the belly of the whale. But
• 11:05
  Speaker 3: the other way you do that is by having a
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  Speaker 3: little conversation with yourself about as if you don't really
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  Speaker 3: know who you are, because you know what you're like,
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  Speaker 3: you won't do what you're told, You won't do what
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  Speaker 3: you tell yourself to do. You must have noticed that.
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  Speaker 3: It's like you're a bad employee and a worse boss,
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  Speaker 3: and both of those work, you know for you. You
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  Speaker 3: don't know what you want to do, and then when
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  Speaker 3: you tell yourself what to do, you don't do it anyways.
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  Speaker 3: You should fire yourself and find someone else to be.
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  Speaker 3: But you know, my point is is that you have
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  Speaker 3: to understand that you're not your own servant, so to speak.
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  Speaker 3: You're someone that you have to negotiate with and that's
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  Speaker 3: and you're someone that you want to present the opportunity
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  Speaker 3: of having a good life too. And that's hard for
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  Speaker 3: people because they don't like themselves very much, so you know,
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  Speaker 3: they're always like cracking the whip. And then procrastinating and
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  Speaker 3: cracking the whip and then procrastinating. And it's like God,
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  Speaker 3: it's so boring and such a pathetic way of spending
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  Speaker 3: your time.
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: You need to be spoken to. What do you need
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  Speaker 2: to take from people?
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  Speaker 1: What are you putting up with or pretending to like
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  Speaker 1: from duty or obligation?
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  Speaker 2: Consult your resentment.
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  Speaker 1: It's a revelatory emotion for all its pathology. It's part
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  Speaker 1: of an evil triad arrogance, deceit, and resentment. Nothing causes
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  Speaker 1: more harm than this underworld trinity. But resentment always means
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  Speaker 1: one of two things. Either the resentful person is immature,
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  Speaker 1: in which case he or she should shut up, quit whining,
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  Speaker 1: and get on with it, or there is tyranny afoot,
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  Speaker 1: in which case the person subjugated has.
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  Speaker 2: A moral obligation to speak up.
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  Speaker 1: Why because the consequence of remaining silent is worse. Of course,
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  Speaker 1: it's easier in the moment to stay silent and avoid conflict,
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  Speaker 1: but in the long term that's deadly when you have
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  Speaker 1: something to say. Silence is a lie, and tyranny feeds
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: on lies. When should you push back against oppression despite
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  Speaker 1: the danger, When you start nursing secret fantasies of revenge
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  Speaker 1: when your life is being poisoned and your imagination fills
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  Speaker 1: with the wish to.
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  Speaker 2: Devour and destroy.
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  Speaker 1: I had a client decades ago who suffered from severe
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  Speaker 1: obsessive compulsive disorder. He had to line up his pajamas
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  Speaker 1: just right before he could go to sleep at night.
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  Speaker 1: Then he had to fluff his pillow. Then he had
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  Speaker 1: to adjust the bed sheets over and over and over
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  Speaker 1: and over and over. I said, maybe that part of you,
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  Speaker 1: that insanely persistent part, wants something inarticulate, though it may be,
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  Speaker 1: let it have it. Say what could it be?
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  Speaker 2: He said control? I said, close your eyes and let.
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  Speaker 1: It tell you what it wants. Don't let fear stop you.
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  Speaker 1: You don't have to act it out just because you're
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: thinking it. He said, it wants me to take my
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: stepfather by the caller, put him up against the.
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  Speaker 2: Door and shake him like a rat. Maybe it was
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: time to shake.
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  Speaker 4: Someone like a rat, although I suggested something a bit
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  Speaker 4: less primal, But God only knows what battles must be
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  Speaker 4: fought forthrightly, voluntarily on the road to peace.
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  Speaker 1: What do you do to avoid conflict necessary, though it
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: may be. What are you inclined to lie about assuming
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: that the truth might be intolerable, what do you fake?
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: The infant is dependent on his parents for almost everything
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  Speaker 1: he needs the child. The successful child can leave his parents,
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  Speaker 1: at least temporarily and make friends. He gives up a
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: little of himself to do that, but gains much in return.
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  Speaker 1: The successful adolescent must take that process to its logical conclusion.
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: He has to leave his parents and become like everyone else.
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  Speaker 2: He has to.
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  Speaker 1: Integrate with the group so he can transcend his childhood dependency.
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  Speaker 1: Once integrated, the successful adult then must learn how to
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: be just the right amount different from everyone else. Be
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: cautious when you're comparing yourself to others. You're a singular being.
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: Once you're an adult, you have your own particular specific problems, financial, intimate, psychological,
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  Speaker 1: and otherwise. Those are embedded in the unique, broader context
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: of your existence. Your career or job works for you
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: in a personal manner, or it does not, and it
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: does so in a unique interplay with the other specifics
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: of your life. You must decide how much of your
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: time to spend on this and how much on that.
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: You must decide what to let go and what to pursue.