Latest / New Manager Conversations with Fexingo: First 90 Days, Managing Former Peers, and Leadership Basics / How New Managers Can Set Boundaries with Their Old Team
Transcript
- Lucas: You’ve been a team lead for three weeks. You’re in the group chat with your old peers, and someone starts venting about a new policy you just helped design. Do you stay silent? Do you defend it? Do you leave the chat? Luna: Right, and every answer feels wrong. If you say nothing, you look complicit. If you defend it, you sound like ‘management’ now. If you leave, it’s awkward. Lucas: This is the single most under-discussed challenge in the first ninety days as a new manager. The boundary problem. Not delegating, not performance reviews, but the subtle, daily negotiation of where the old relationship ends and the new authority begins. Luna: So what does a good boundary actually look like in practice, not just in theory? Lucas: Let me give you a real example. A marketing team lead I worked with — let’s call her Priya — took over from a manager who had been in the role for eight years and was beloved. Priya was promoted from within. Her first week, a former peer texted her after hours complaining about a creative brief that Priya had actually approved. Priya’s instinct was to commiserate, to stay friends. But she realised if she joined in the complaint, she’d undermine her own decision. Luna: So what did she do? Lucas: She said: ‘I hear you, and I want to talk about this tomorrow in the office. But I can’t get into it tonight over text. Let’s find fifteen minutes in the morning.’ That’s it. She didn’t ignore it, she didn’t escalate, she just moved it to a professional container. Luna: That’s really clean. And it respects the relationship while protecting the role. Lucas: Exactly. The core principle is: separate the relationship from the role without killing the relationship. You can still be warm, you can still care, but you have to change the container. The group chat, the after-hours venting, the inside jokes about the boss — all of that has to shift. Luna: I think a lot of new managers worry that setting a boundary will make them seem cold or like they’ve ‘gone over to the dark side’. How do you handle that fear? Lucas: You name it directly. You say: ‘I know this feels different. It is different. And I want to keep our relationship strong — that matters to me. But part of doing this job well means I can’t participate in conversations that undermine the team’s direction.’ You’re not apologising, you’re explaining. Luna: And if someone pushes back? ‘Come on, you’re still one of us’? Lucas: That’s the test. Priya had a former peer literally say, ‘You’re not our boss in the group chat.’ And she replied: ‘You’re right. And that’s why I’m going to leave the chat. I’d love to grab coffee next week just us.’ She held the boundary and offered an alternative. Luna: That takes real courage. Because the immediate cost is social discomfort. Lucas: Right. But the long-term cost of not setting boundaries is worse. You end up in a situation where your team doesn’t know which version of you is going to show up. Are you their friend who lets things slide, or are you their manager who holds them accountable? Ambiguity is corrosive. Luna: What about the boundary of not being the ‘messenger’ anymore? I’ve seen new managers get stuck because they still relay gossip or complaints upward instead of asking the person to speak directly. Lucas: That’s a huge one. When a former peer says, ‘Hey, can you tell the VP that the new process is confusing?’ your job is to say, ‘I think it would be more powerful if you shared that directly. I can set up a five-minute meeting with her if you want.’ You’re coaching, not carrying. Luna: I want to go back to the group chat example for a second. Is it always necessary to leave? Or can you stay and just change how you participate? Lucas: You can try changing the tone first. If someone vents, you can say, ‘Interesting point — let’s bring that up in our retro.’ But in my experience, the chat inevitably pulls you back into the old dynamic. It’s like trying to diet while living in a bakery. Most new managers I’ve coached eventually leave, and they’re relieved when they do. Luna: One of the things I hear from listeners is that they don’t want to seem like they’re ‘too good’ for their old friends. They want to stay connected. Lucas: And they should! But connection doesn’t have to happen in the same spaces. You can have a separate one-on-one lunch, or a text thread that’s purely social. The key is intentionality. Say: ‘I value our friendship, and I need to keep work conversations in work hours and work channels.’ That’s a gift to both of you. Luna: Let me ask about a specific scenario. What if a former peer starts testing you in a meeting — questioning your decision in front of others? Lucas: That’s a boundary breach, and you have to address it in the moment, not later. You can say: ‘I appreciate the question. Let me explain my reasoning, and then I’d love to hear your thoughts after the meeting.’ You’re not shutting them down, but you’re not letting the meeting become a debate. Luna: So you’re redirecting, not retaliating. Lucas: Exactly. If it becomes a pattern, you need a private conversation. ‘I’ve noticed you’ve challenged a few of my decisions in team settings. I’m open to feedback, but I’d prefer we discuss disagreements one-on-one first. That way we can present a united front to the team.’ That’s a boundary with a rationale. Luna: What about the boundary of your own availability? New managers often feel they have to be available 24/7 to prove they’re still ‘one of the team’. Lucas: That’s a trap. If you respond to Slack at 10 PM, you’re training your team that you’re available at 10 PM. And then they feel obligated to respond. Set your working hours explicitly. You can say: ‘I’m usually offline after 7. If something’s urgent, text me and I’ll get back to you in the morning.’ That’s a boundary that protects your energy and models healthy behaviour. Luna: I think the hardest boundary for many new managers is saying no to extra work from their old peers who now report to them. Like, ‘Can you just review this for me?’ Lucas: Right. And the instinct is to say yes to stay liked. But you’re not helping them by being their shortcut. You can say: ‘I trust your judgment on this. If you want a second pair of eyes, ask or bring it to our weekly review.’ You’re pushing them to build their own muscles. Luna: That’s a really helpful script. I think a lot of new managers don’t realise that boundaries are actually a form of respect. You’re telling someone, ‘I believe you can handle this.’ Lucas: Absolutely. And if you don’t set them, you end up resenting the people you care about. That’s worse for the relationship in the long run. Luna: Before we go deeper, I want to mention something that’s been on my mind. Episodes like this — where we get into the real, messy stuff of management — they only exist because listeners support the show. If you’ve gotten something out of these conversations, a couple of dollars a month genuinely keeps them going. Buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. It makes a real difference. Lucas: Yeah, and we mean that. No ads, no sponsors — just the community. So if you’ve ever used a script or a framework from this show, consider chipping in. Luna: Alright, back to boundaries. Lucas, you mentioned that the first ninety days are critical. Can you walk us through a timeline of when to set which boundaries? Lucas: Sure. Week one: set the availability boundary. Let people know your working hours and how to reach you in an emergency. Week two: address the group chat and after-hours communication. Week three: start redirecting messenger behaviour. By week four, you should have a private conversation with anyone who’s still testing you. Luna: And what about the boundary of not being the ‘friend’ who complains about the company? That one can be subtle. Lucas: That’s the loyalty boundary. If someone says, ‘This new policy is so stupid,’ you can say, ‘I see why it might feel that way. Let’s talk about what’s not working and how we can influence it.’ You’re not joining the complaint, but you’re not dismissing it either. You’re reframing. Luna: What if the boundary you need to set is with your own boss? Like, your old peers are telling you things in confidence, and your boss asks you to share? Lucas: That’s a tightrope. You say: ‘I want to be transparent with you, and I also want to maintain trust with the team. Can we talk about what information is fair game and what stays between me and my direct reports?’ That’s a boundary upward, and it’s totally appropriate. Luna: I love that. It’s not defensive — it’s collaborative. Lucas: Exactly. The best boundaries sound like an invitation, not a wall. Luna: So let’s imagine a listener is in week two of their new manager role. They’ve got a group chat they need to leave, a former peer who’s testing them, and they’re feeling anxious. What’s the one thing they should do tomorrow? Lucas: Pick the easiest boundary and set it cleanly. Maybe it’s updating your Slack status to say your working hours. Or sending a message to the group chat: ‘Hey everyone, I’m going to step out of this chat to keep my work and personal conversations separate. I’m still around for coffee.’ Start small. Momentum matters. Luna: And if they mess up? If they slip back into the old dynamic? Lucas: They can correct it the next day. ‘Hey, I realised I fell back into old habits last night. I want to be more intentional about this.’ That’s modelling growth. Your team will respect you more for it. Luna: I think the biggest takeaway for me is that boundaries aren’t about being cold — they’re about being clear. Lucas: That’s the whole thing. Clarity is kindness. When people know what to expect from you, they can relax. And so can you.