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S3E18 - Parent Companion for Play Therapy: The Nature/Nurture Balance Behind Kids' Behavior · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi,
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  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
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  awareness,
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  and enlightenment about your parenting
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  and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode,
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  we are continuing in the Parent Companion series,
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  and I'd like to process
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  nature versus nurture today.
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  And I promise it's
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  related to
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  children in therapy too.
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  But
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  this is a really interesting dynamic
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  that I think is often misunderstood or overlooked
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  when it comes to what your children might be going through
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  with their behaviors,
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  with their emotions,
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  with their personalities,
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  with whether or not you're pursuing therapy.
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  These are
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  both relevant.
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  The nature and the nurture both come into play here.
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  So,
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  want to kind of dive into this a little bit and,
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  and kind of process how this all unfolds together.
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  So we know nature versus nurture,
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  age-old debate.
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  It's been,
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  you know,
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  going around forever.
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  And
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  the nature component
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  is
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  how children are born.
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  In other words,
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  kids are born with
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  intrinsic personalities.
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  They are born with
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  innate traits.
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  Some children come out of the womb
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  and they are more laid back.
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  Some kids come out of the womb and they are
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  more energetic.
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  Some
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  are
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  funny
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  from very,
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  very early on.
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  Some are timid and shy
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  from very early on.
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  Some are life of the party,
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  social butterfly.
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  Some are,
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  I would just rather be by myself and read a book.
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  All of these are those nature-based
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  personality traits
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  and tendencies.
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  We all have them.
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  All right,
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  so now,
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  hold that as its own isolated thought.
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  Let's look at nurture.
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  The nurture component
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  is
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  what happens
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  in the child's life,
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  what relationships are formed,
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  what experiences they have,
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  what they're exposed to.
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  The circumstances,
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  the situations,
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  life in general
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  happens.
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  And
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  nurture then influences
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  development of personality too.
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  It can
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  influence children.
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  It can change children.
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  It can have sway.
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  So,
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  we have
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  what the child is naturally born with,
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  then we have what the child experiences as they grow and develop,
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  and they work
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  in conjunction with each other.
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  So here's what often happens.
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  It is really rare
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  for a parent to sit down and chat with us about what's going on with their child.
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  Where they don't say,
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  well,
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  I mean,
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  it's kind of been an issue for a long time,
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  but.
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  And what that tells us as child-centered play therapists
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  is
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  this is nature and nurture.
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  So let me unpack this.
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  Child is
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  refusing to eat anything but 3 different kinds of foods.
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  Child is refusing to wear certain clothes
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  because they hate the tags,
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  they hate the seams,
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  they hate the texture,
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  they hate the feel of socks,
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  they hate whatever.
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  They will not sleep in their own bed.
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  They are scared to go upstairs by themselves.
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  And that's why a parent is seeking therapy.
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  Well,
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  I
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  filter all of that into
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  anxiety-based control.
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  And then
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  that's kind of the straw that breaks the camel's back,
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  if you will.
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  In other words,
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  parents are like,
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  OK,
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  this has gotten out of control.
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  This has gone too far.
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  I can't take this anymore.
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  We need help and support.
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  And then in that initial parent consultation,
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  when I'm kind of getting an awareness of
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  why they're seeking therapy in the first place,
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  my consistent question is,
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  I wonder when this started.
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  I wonder if you know there was a specific trigger.
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  I'm wondering if you can trace this back to a specific point in time.
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  Almost always,
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  parents will say,
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  well,
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  I mean,
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  we've,
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  there's kind of always been issues with eating,
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  like even since infancy,
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  there's kind of always been issues with
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  not really liking textures and like the sensory stuff.
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  There's kind of always been.
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  So in other words,
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  we have an undercurrent of the nature.
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  And then life and experiences and circumstances
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  have come into play
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  and
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  had nurture kick in,
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  and now it's too much.
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  So the beauty of CCPT.
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  Is that
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  it addresses both.
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  In other words,
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  child-centered play therapy is never going
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  to change a child's instinctive,
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  innate personality.
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  If a child
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  is prone to anxiety,
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  if a child is prone to timidity,
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  if a child is prone to aggression,
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  if a child is prone to fill in the blank,
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  because that's the way they were born,
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  CCPT doesn't change that.
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  It doesn't take it away.
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  It doesn't turn them into a different kid.
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  It honors that
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  that is how the child is made,
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  you know,
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  every single one of us are fearfully and wonderfully made.
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  There's nothing about that child
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  and any personality that that child has
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  that needs to be fixed.
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  That is the way God made them.
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  OK.
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  So then
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  we realize
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  life has added on
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  and it's taken it
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  over the top.
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  So the way I like to describe it is,
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  there's an undercurrent of these nature-driven tendencies.
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  There's just this propensity toward aggression.
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  There's a propensity toward anxiety,
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  but
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  under the best of circumstances,
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  it stays controlled and tamped down.
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  So if you kind of think of a horizontal line,
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  all that stuff kind of stays pretty flat.
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  But then you have an experience where
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  something really,
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  really upsets you.
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  You have an experience where a relationship is really complicated.
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  You have an experience where the world seems really unpredictable.
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  You have an experience where a friend is really mean to you and hurts your feelings.
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  You have a friend where
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  now all of these nurture components are piling on.
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  And all this undercurrent starts pushing its way up over that horizontal line.
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  It kind of stayed tamped down before.
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  It was kind of regulated and under control.
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  It's always been there.
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  But now all of a sudden this other stuff has piled on
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  and it's starting to spike.
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  It's starting to pop itself out of the ground,
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  if you will,
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  and
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  it can't
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  be controlled and and maintained anymore.
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  And once stuff like that starts to bubble up
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  or spike or whatever analogy you want to use,
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  it's really hard to get it back to that horizontal line without support
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  because patterns and behaviors
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  and habits are formed.
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  So
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  what was always there and controllable is no longer controllable,
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  and once it becomes uncontrollable,
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  you really can't do it without help.
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  And then here's why CCPT comes into the mix,
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  because as we honor
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  the natural
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  personality of a child,
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  We also provide the relationship and the environment
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  for the kid to get themselves back under control.
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  We never
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  in any
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  form or fashion,
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  promise a parent
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  your kid will not be anxious anymore.
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  We never promise your kid will not be aggressive anymore.
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  We never promise your kid will never be disregulated again.
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  First of all,
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  that those are
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  just lies,
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  but they're also not feasible.
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  We don't ever
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  aim to change the child.
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  We aim for the child to be in control
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  and regulated,
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  and whatever natural personality traits that they possess,
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  they don't interfere with daily function.
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  That is always our
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  measure of whether or not something is
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  dysregulated or dysfunctional.
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  If a child's anxiety.
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  Is
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  there,
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  but it doesn't actually interfere with daily tasks,
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  daily function,
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  daily happiness.
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  Like if a kid just goes,
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  oh,
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  I don't want to do that,
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  that'd be scary.
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  And they're not upheaved,
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  they're not upset.
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  It doesn't impact them in any negative way.
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  They just say,
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  I don't want to do that.
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  That's too scary.
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  But they are fully content and happy and satisfied,
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  and there's no evidence that their anxiety is overwhelming them.
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  That's not a child that has spiked up out of control.
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  That's just who they are.
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  I've had so many parents say my kid just doesn't talk to other kids.
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  My kid just doesn't play with other kids.
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  My kid just kind of sits off in the corner and
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  like does his or her own thing and like I'm concerned.
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  And my questions are always about
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  how much is this impacting daily function.
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  Does your child long
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  to have friendships and can't form them?
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  Does your child long for social engagement
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  and cries him or herself to sleep because they feel so lonely?
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  Or does your kid just prefer to read a book and
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  be by themselves?
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  That's introverted personality.
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  That's not dysfunctional
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  unless it's interfering with daily function.
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  We're never trying to take the child's personality away,
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  but once it gets out of control,
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  CCPT provides the conditions that allow the child to address it.
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  So guess what?
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  I'm going to learn how to be less aggressive.
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  I'm going to learn how to be less anxious.
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  I'm going to learn how to control this,
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  increase regulation,
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  increase control.
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  Then we're back to,
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  I can cope
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  and I can function
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  and I don't have disruption and interference with my daily stuff.
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  That's the beauty of child-centered play therapy.
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  It honors both
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  nature and nurture work in tandem.
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  Nurture often exacerbates nature.
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  And then we just have to sort it out so that the child can get back to
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  happy and healthy.
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  So,
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  I hope that that kind of gives you perspective on how these work together.
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  And
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  obviously as we go through this parent companion series,
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  it is designed to help you if your child is in therapy or not,
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  to really have a sense of what's going on and how to best support and serve your kids.
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  If you do not understand one of your child's traits or personalities,
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  like you are the most laid back,
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  easygoing parent
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  and your kid is so intense
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  and so in your face and you're like,
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  I just don't understand what's wrong with my kid.
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  Like I'm just not like that.
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  That's not inherently a problem
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  that your child has that personality
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  if it's not interfering with daily function.
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  And
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  often,
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  I mean,
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  they talk about this in a lot of books,
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  a lot of songs,
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  a lot of proverbs,
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  so I suppose
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  this is kind of like,
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  you know,
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  universal acceptance of this notion.
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  Often
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  someone's greatest strength
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  can also be one of their greatest weaknesses.
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  There is a pro and a con to every personality trait.
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  There is a pro and a con to every instinctive
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  characteristic that someone has.
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  So
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  we focus on the doughnut,
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  not the hole,
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  to go back to
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  one of the rules of thumb that we talked about ages ago.
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  Look at what is there
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  and
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  how special your child is,
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  not what you wish was there.
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  That's the hole in the doughnut that's missing.
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  What's there?
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  Even
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  a very assertive,
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  in your face,
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  intense kid.
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  Has incredible potential to be a leader,
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  a CEO,
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  an entrepreneur,
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  you know,
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  a really industrious adult.
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  Those are characteristics that will serve your child really well.
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  It's just whether or not it's interfering with daily function.
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  If it's not,
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  that's the way they were made and they are meant to be that way.
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  So I hope that encourages you.
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  I love you all.
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  We'll talk again soon.
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  Bye.
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  Thank you for listening to
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  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
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  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.