Latest / The Family Teams Podcast / Ep. 301 | One-on-One's with Teen Kids

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Ep. 301 | One-on-One's with Teen Kids · The Family Teams Podcast

• 0:00
  How are you doing really? Like, like it's interesting where you, you know, that prompts you to go somewhere directly into your heart.
• 0:13
  What's up, guys? Welcome to Five Minute Fatherhood. So if you've been around, you know that we really love to talk about how helpful it is to schedule one-on-ones with your kids, especially as they get older, they get into close or into the teenage years.
• 0:30
  And I get a lot of questions as people begin to do this about like, okay, how does that conversation go? How do you have a deep conversation? And so I really believe it's a good idea to have some questions in your back pocket that you like to pull out during a one-on-one that just helps you get things going, helps you get into more heart-to-heart.
• 0:48
  And so there's three questions that I love that are go-tos. Two of these I've used a lot and one that I just started using and it's been awesome. Okay, so the first one that I use a lot is, you know, what's on your mind? And that's usually how I start. And this was a question that was my biggest takeaway from the book, The Coaching Habit. He just talks about this is, he's talking about this really in a business context, but he said, when you're in a coaching relationship,
• 1:14
  You know, this is probably his favorite question. He also likes to follow up this question with, and what else? Because he wants to, I love that. Because usually there's a lot of things on their mind, but oftentimes the second thing they think about is actually a little deeper. And so it's good to ask the question twice. What's on your mind? What else? The second question I like to ask is, how's your relationship with mom? How's your relationship with your brother? How's your relationship with this friend?
• 1:38
  Like really get into the way that they're relating to their friends. They're relating to their siblings. And, you know, that's, that's always an interesting conversation. Something I like to check up on during the one, because that's a really opportunity to coach. And then the third one, which is this new one, which I really love is how are you doing really? Like, how are you really doing? Like if it's, it's a really interesting question because, you know,
• 2:06
  People oftentimes are never asked this question this way. And it does something weird to you. Like when you're asked, if somebody, just imagine like a really close friend you trust said, you know, you're sitting down, you've got some time, maybe you're having coffee and they're like, okay.
• 2:21
  How are you doing really? Like, it's interesting where you, you know, that prompts you to go somewhere directly into your heart. Like, okay, I got to. And sometimes, usually the answer that you would answer that question, I know for me this is true, will probably surprise you. It pulls something out of you that's deep. And again, that's the whole point of...
• 2:46
  of a one-on-one, right, is to try to connect at the heart level. And so that kind of question, I think, really can help do that. But yeah, Jeff, what do you think about these questions? I love that. And I totally agree. There's something subtle about how when we ask questions, it communicates more than the question, right?
• 3:03
  Right. So when sometimes, like you said, that's why the coaching habit, what's on your mind is good, but that's why he asked it a second time or what else, because that kind of assumes there's more. Right. And then same thing with how are you doing? Really? It kind of is like already subtly saying like, oh yeah, we don't need to kind of talk about, we don't need to do the small talk, the like pleasantry. Like it's, it's kind of assuming like there is something you're not saying.
• 3:25
  Or there is a part that like you can be close here with that you're not close with everyone else, you know, or honest here. There's just layers in questions that I think we have to be very aware of. And then how those translate, not just to teens, but then I think also younger kids. You might, you're not going to get these deep, complex answers, but I think how you ask questions to your kids really matters. And so just really, really pay attention to how you ask your kids about, you know, what are you feeling right now? What's going on? You know, and like stuff like that. And what are you thinking? And I just love kind of asking questions. I think it does something to kids' brains.
• 3:53
  even in regards to like dangerous situations or whatever, or, you know, or like, you know, just be, I'm always mindful of like, how am I asking these questions so that it's not kind of projecting, uh, maybe fear or whatever, but projecting with like wisdom and questions. I want them to internally ask. Do you know what I mean? Cause at the end of the day, a parent turns the questions you ask a lot of times turn into the questions they hear in their head the rest of their life. You know what I mean? Like, what do they say that? Like the father's voice is kind of the inner dialogue. So yeah.
• 4:19
  I just think be mindful of that. And I think that's an easy way actually to kind of really step into that.
• 4:25
  Yeah. If you guys are looking for a lot more tips or ideas for how to coach your kids, then you should check out the skill of fatherhood. It's a masterclass that Jeff and I produced about how to really increase your skill in fatherhood through sort of three different modules. One is how to train your kids. The second one is how to coach your kids. And the third one is how to build a multi-generational family team. So if you guys want to check that out, that's over at familyteams.com.