Latest / IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective / When You've Tried Everything With Your Teen: Theresa's Story

Transcript

When You've Tried Everything With Your Teen: Theresa's Story · IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

• 0:01
  I recently sent out a survey, and I asked parents what they were struggling with most right now with their teenagers, and I got some really good responses, and over the next several episodes, I'm going to start answering some of those questions and talking about some of the topics that came up over and over.
• 0:21
  But as I was reading through those responses, I kept thinking about this particular episode.
• 0:27
  I originally recorded this years ago, and I've actually shared it one other time since then, but there's a reason for that.
• 0:36
  This is still the most downloaded episode that I've ever created, and if you're struggling with your teen right now, if you feel like you've tried everything, you're worried about where things are headed, and you don't know what to do next, I think this is probably the best place to start.
• 0:56
  You're going to hear from Teresa, a real mom who felt scared, overwhelmed, and desperate to fix what was happening with her son, and you'll hear what actually started to change when she stopped putting all of her energy into trying to control him, and she started focusing on just the things that she could control.
• 1:19
  This episode is a really good example of what I mean when I talk about changing the pattern from the inside out.
• 1:27
  So even if you've heard this one before, I think it's worth another listen.
• 1:33
  Here we go.
• 1:37
  All Hello, guys.
• 1:38
  Welcome back to the podcast.
• 1:41
  Thank you for joining me.
• 1:44
  I am just so grateful that you guys are joining me on this journey.
• 1:48
  We're just getting more and more downloads, and people are loving this.
• 1:52
  So I wanna ask you guys just one favor.
• 1:55
  If my podcast has benefited you as a parent, please take a minute and serve another parent that you know and love and share this podcast with them and invite them to take advantage of all these free tips and tools and mindset hacks and everything that I teach, and let's keep this podcast growing, and let's help as many parents as we can.
• 2:20
  with all that being said, I would like to introduce you guys to my guest.
• 2:25
  This is one of my clients who I've wanted to have on the show for a while, but it just never worked out.
• 2:34
  And I'll share with you guys a little bit of what kind of inspired this to actually happen this time.
• 2:40
  But Theresa, go ahead.
• 2:42
  Tell us a little bit about yourself, and tell us, like, who you are as a mother.
• 2:49
  Okay.
• 2:49
  Um, my name is Theresa.
• 2:51
  Um, I'm a single mom.
• 2:54
  Um, my son, uh, just turned 18.
• 2:59
  Um, he- his dad is, uh, very ill, so I've had to, um, go through a lot, uh, these past few years, um, with him going through his teenage years.
• 3:14
  Um- Thank God for Ben.
• 3:18
  Um, you know, I was, um, I was at the end of my rope.
• 3:23
  Um, I started working with Ben and, uh, ju- just things completely changed, um, for the better.
• 3:33
  Yeah.
• 3:34
  Let's talk about one of those changes.
• 3:37
  Part of what inspired this, and don't worry, that's Theresa's cat in the background- Sorry who is also invited to be a part of this podcast if your cat so chooses.
• 3:46
  We, we don't discriminate here.
• 3:49
  you messaged me about a month ago.
• 3:53
  We, we don't work together as often as we used to, but you're like,"Hey, you'll never believe it.
• 3:57
  My teenager is on track to graduate, and they're doing all this great stuff." And I didn't say I told you so, but I kinda could have because we talked about how,"No, no, he'll, he'll be okay.
• 4:11
  He'll be fine." I want you to talk for a minute, what was it that you were most worried about when you reached out to me and we started working together?
• 4:21
  So I was most worried about my son being put behind bars.
• 4:28
  Um- Yeah I, he was- My son was selling vapes, um, at the time.
• 4:37
  Um, selling a lot of vapes.
• 4:40
  Um, he was also every once in a while he would, he would sell weed.
• 4:46
  Um, I was terrified.
• 4:49
  Terrified.
• 4:50
  He had been, um, arrested before this for fighting.
• 4:56
  Um, he had a lot of anger in him, and twice he was arrested.
• 5:00
  Um, so at the time that I called you, or spoke to you, um, I was worried that he was gonna get arrested for selling drugs or selling vapes to minors.
• 5:12
  Um, and I was, I was.
• 5:14
  I was terrified, and I just, I didn't know what to do.
• 5:18
  Um, I was always...
• 5:21
  I was paralyzed.
• 5:22
  I was paralyzed.
• 5:23
  I wouldn't even leave my house.
• 5:25
  Um, I wasn't taking care of myself.
• 5:27
  Um, I was scared for him.
• 5:30
  Um, and I just didn't know where else to turn.
• 5:34
  Yeah.
• 5:34
  So.
• 5:35
  And if I remember correctly, you guys, like this had been going on over the space of about four years.
• 5:43
  Right.
• 5:43
  You had both tried therapy, you'd tried all the parenting strategies in the book, and nothing was working, and you were just scared to death that he was going to ruin his life.
• 5:56
  Yes.
• 5:56
  Is that accurate?
• 5:57
  Oh, that's, that's correct.
• 5:59
  Mm-hmm.
• 6:00
  Yeah.
• 6:00
  Yeah.
• 6:00
  So what would you say was the main feeling that you felt towards him during that time leading up to when you and I started working together?
• 6:11
  My feelings towards him?
• 6:14
  Yep.
• 6:14
  Um, I- Didn't like him.
• 6:18
  Um, I was embarrassed of what he di- you know, what he was doing.
• 6:27
  Um, I was, as a mother, I was ashamed of how I parented him.
• 6:33
  I, I thought it was my fault.
• 6:36
  I blamed myself for everything, you know.
• 6:39
  Uh, you know, could I have done better while, you know, when he was a toddler, you know, or when he was in elementary school?
• 6:46
  You know, I, you know, should I have punished him more often?
• 6:50
  Um, I, I just, there was so many questions going through my head, and I, I thought it was my fault.
• 6:55
  I bl- I really did blame myself.
• 6:57
  Yeah.
• 6:58
  I, I love that.
• 6:59
  So you didn't like him.
• 7:01
  No.
• 7:02
  You were embarrassed, and personally, you were ashamed.
• 7:06
  You blamed yourself, and you didn't like yourself.
• 7:09
  One of the things that I often teach is that our relationships with others are a reflection of our own relationship with ourselves.
• 7:19
  And I remember, so I always tell Theresa, like, I'm basically cheating.
• 7:24
  Like, I have all the notes from our sessions right here.
• 7:26
  But I remember in the beginning, just a lot of shame, a lot of guilt, a lot of frustration, and worrying that you had ruined your child.
• 7:37
  And I also- So- worried about people, what people would thought about me.
• 7:41
  Yeah.
• 7:42
  And, and, you know, they must have been...
• 7:45
  You know, I, all in my he- I, in my head I just c- think I heard people saying, you know,"What is she doing?" You know,"W- what is she doing?
• 7:53
  How...
• 7:53
  You know, she's not parenting her kid.
• 7:55
  Um, you know, she's not taking responsibility." Um, yeah, I was, I was embarrassed and ashamed.
• 8:01
  Yeah.
• 8:02
  So let's fast-forward to right now.
• 8:05
  Mm-hmm.
• 8:05
  What, what's going well in your life, especially as a mother, and what's going well in your teen's life?
• 8:12
  Everything.
• 8:14
  Um, me, uh, as a mother, um, f- with your help, um, I learned to...
• 8:23
  Uh, if you remember, when I f- also when I first reached out to you, I said I was always screaming.
• 8:28
  Um, I was always screaming.
• 8:29
  Yeah.
• 8:29
  I was always yelling.
• 8:30
  And n- so, uh, now everything is calm.
• 8:34
  Um, me and my son talk to each other.
• 8:38
  Um, if he has any problems, he'll come to me.
• 8:42
  Um, we have a really good relationship now.
• 8:45
  Um, he is- I switched schools for him.
• 8:49
  Um, he was in a big high school, uh, and it wasn't right for him.
• 8:54
  And after, um, COVID, when the kids finally started going back to school, um, physically, I switched schools and he is doing amazing.
• 9:07
  He, for a year and a half, he didn't do any schoolwork, uh, at his old high school.
• 9:12
  And now, um, going to this new school, his first semester, he was taking 11 classes.
• 9:18
  He was in school for eight hours, and he aced all the classes.
• 9:23
  And because he aced all the classes and he went through school for that amount of time every single day, he is now graduating on time, just like he would've been in his old school.
• 9:36
  I love it.
• 9:36
  And I wanna share, I went back and I found where you messaged me.
• 9:41
  And, let's see.
• 9:42
  I wanna read this in a way that it protects everyone, but yet still it conveys what's going on.
• 9:48
  You're like,"He's going to a new school.
• 9:50
  He actually likes it.
• 9:52
  He's in the internship program for business and customer service." Mm-hmm.
• 9:57
  And you put LOL-'cause I think you're laughing out loud,'cause you're like,"Can you believe it?" Yep.
• 10:03
  And you said,"I'm very proud of him," triple exclamation points.
• 10:08
  Like- Yeah we just talked about in the beginning the frustration, the shame, the guilt, and right now all I'm getting from you is like love, pride- Mm-hmm excitement, hope.
• 10:21
  Is that accurate?
• 10:22
  Yep, that's perfect.
• 10:24
  Yep, that's definitely accurate.
• 10:26
  So I'm curious, Theresa, what, what do you think, like if you could identify just like one thing that was the most powerful or changed everything, what would you say that was?
• 10:40
  It was my m- it was definitely my, my mindset.
• 10:43
  Um, when I first, when, with our first or second session, I don't remember which one it was, um, you know, we were talking about change in mindset and you gave me some, um, some homework to do, some things to think about.
• 10:59
  Um, and in my head I just said,"I can't, this is not gonna, this is not gonna happen.
• 11:05
  Like this is, this isn't gonna change- This doesn't work this isn't gonna change my life or my son's life." Um, but I actually took your advice, um, and I shifted my mind.
• 11:19
  And it wasn't easy.
• 11:21
  It didn't happen for, I mean, I, it, it, it didn't happen for a while.
• 11:25
  I mean, we would talk and I'd say,"You know, I had a bad couple of nights with him," you know, scream and everything.
• 11:31
  And you know, we just kept going over the same, you know, the model and, and, and just my mindset.
• 11:37
  And finally I was able to take a situation and think about it first before I started screaming or thought negative or, um...
• 11:48
  So I kind of, not that I let him do what he wanted to do, but I kind of- took a step back and I put his life, um, in his own hands.
• 12:00
  And I just kind of told him, you know,"This is your life.
• 12:05
  Y- you could either make it easy or you could make it hard.
• 12:07
  And, um, I stopped screaming.
• 12:11
  Um, and just after a while, things just started to calm down.
• 12:17
  Um, things just started to calm down.
• 12:21
  He started to, he started to come to me and say,"Mom, I don't wanna, I don't wanna sell vapes anymore.
• 12:28
  I wanna stop, I wanna stop, I wanna stop." And, um, and he finally did.
• 12:34
  I mean, it didn't happen overnight, um, because, you know, kids say one thing and they don't do it, you know, for a while.
• 12:41
  It takes them a while to, to, to actually take that step.
• 12:45
  But he did.
• 12:46
  He finally took that step, and he finally stopped selling, uh, the vapes, um, and the, you know, weed.
• 12:54
  And, uh He, I think he just kind of thought of his life in a different way.
• 13:04
  Yeah.
• 13:05
  I w- I wanna pause you right there.
• 13:07
  Mm-hmm.
• 13:08
  Because this is a pattern that I've seen over and over, and you guys listening to this podcast, I want you to catch this pattern as well, because it will be as true for your life as it has been in Theresa's life.
• 13:22
  You just talked about how your teen started thinking differently about himself and his life, but I'm here to tell you that didn't happen until you started differ- thinking differently about your teen and his life.
• 13:36
  Would you agree with that?
• 13:37
  Yeah, 100%.
• 13:38
  Yeah.
• 13:39
  Most parents, and this is kind of, this is the world that we live in.
• 13:44
  The world tells us,"Man, if your kid is a knucklehead and they're doing illegal stuff, that's on you as a parent, that's your fault." And most parents start working from a place of fear, shame, frustration, and they think their job is to fix or change or to control their teenager.
• 14:04
  And what happens is, any time you try and fix, change, or control your teenager, that disconnects you from them emotionally, and they push back and you push back, and it just creates power struggles.
• 14:17
  The thing that you did from the very beginning that was super powerful is you embraced the model, you trusted it, and you started testing it.
• 14:30
  And you started exploring,"Man, these are my thoughts, and when I think this way..." Uh, I don't know if you remember this, but I told you you were catastrophizing.
• 14:39
  Oh, I love that word.
• 14:40
  Do you remember?
• 14:40
  Of course I remember that.
• 14:41
  I remember that.
• 14:42
  I love that word, and I always, every time I, I f- I heard you in my head with that word, and that actually helped.
• 14:50
  Yeah.
• 14:50
  Yeah.
• 14:50
  It definitely helped me.
• 14:53
  Yeah.
• 14:53
  I still do it to this day.
• 14:55
  Because you still hear me in your head, right?
• 14:57
  I still hear you in your head, like,"It's not, it's not, it's n- it's a neutral situation, you know, you can go either way, it's, you know, don't make such a big deal." I really do.
• 15:05
  I do.
• 15:06
  Yeah.
• 15:06
  It's, it's take, it's, it's helped me in my own life.
• 15:09
  Yeah.
• 15:10
  My, my life.
• 15:10
  Yeah.
• 15:11
  Yeah, not even just parenting.
• 15:13
  Right.
• 15:13
  Like- No when it comes to a job- Mm-hmm or relationships or whatever.
• 15:18
  I just, I remember- Like, it was like a light came on.
• 15:22
  Like, you see that moment when people, like, get it.
• 15:25
  They're like,"Oh." And I remember you realizing,"I'm totally catastrophizing." Every- And- Mm-hmm do you remember what I told you?
• 15:37
  I'm, I'm leading the witness now, and I hate to do this to you, because you might be like,"I totally don't remember." But I used to always say,"No," like, selling vapes- Yeah what would I tell you about that?
• 15:48
  How, what was the positive of that?
• 15:50
  You told me.
• 15:51
  You told me if, thinking it, thinking about it this way, him selling vapes, um, he was learning, almost learning a business.
• 16:00
  He was on- he was learning how to...
• 16:03
  He was learning customer service.
• 16:06
  Yeah.
• 16:07
  He was learning business skills.
• 16:10
  And, and he's actually using them now.
• 16:13
  Yeah.
• 16:14
  Like, probably in this business internship.
• 16:18
  Yeah.
• 16:19
  But I wanna really, I wanna paint just a really clear picture.
• 16:25
  When you started entertaining these alternative thoughts, like rather than the catastrophizing thoughts, like- Mm-hmm"Man, he's gonna go to prison." Mm-hmm.
• 16:33
  "He's gonna ruin his life.
• 16:35
  He's gonna end up dead." Like, all these- Mm-hmm terrible catastrophizing thoughts.
• 16:40
  When you started entertaining the thought,"Ah, no, I guess he is learning business.
• 16:44
  I guess he's learning helpful skills," did that change him in the moment?
• 16:52
  Yes.
• 16:53
  Here's the thing.
• 16:53
  I don't think it changed him.
• 16:55
  I think it changed- It changed- you my thoughts.
• 16:57
  Yeah, it changed the way I thought- Yeah about him.
• 17:00
  Because I remember, like I can look at our notes, but, like, months later- I remember at one point, where was it?
• 17:08
  But you're like,"He's selling vapes again.
• 17:10
  Like how, why is he doing this?" He didn't change instantly, but when you as his mother choose intentionally to think differently, it changes you and changes how you interact with him.
• 17:25
  And here's the most powerful thing, and this is something that I teach and sometimes people are like,"Man, that's woo-woo.
• 17:32
  That's weird.
• 17:32
  That's the weird life coaching stuff." But the world would tell you, fix your teen.
• 17:38
  Fix the problem on the outside, and then you'll feel better on the inside.
• 17:42
  Yeah.
• 17:43
  But the truth is, lasting change happens from the inside out.
• 17:49
  And when we change from the inside, things start changing on the outside, and it's just a ripple effect.
• 17:56
  And I promise you, your teen, his growth and his change is a reflection of the growth and the change that you made from the inside out.
• 18:08
  Would you agree with that?
• 18:09
  I do agree, and I, and, and I agree because I hear him Repeating things that I've, I've said to him and I've helped him with I love that.
• 18:18
  And he now helps, tries and helps his friends.
• 18:22
  Um, you know, friends who aren't doing well in high school or friends that are having, you know, issues, he tries to help them.
• 18:29
  And I notice a lot of the things that I was finally able to talk to him about, um, he's, he's taken some of that stuff away and he's, he's using it, you know, to help his friends.
• 18:41
  So it really, he's, he's really done a total turnaround Yeah.
• 18:48
  This is one of the things, people think I'm crazy, but like right now as we speak, we're like coming off the heels of COVID-19, like it's been around for long enough, and we're moving right into a war between Russia and Ukraine.
• 19:05
  And here in the US, there's politics and contention, and no one likes each other.
• 19:13
  And I just keep telling people,"Don't focus on all those things outside of your control.
• 19:18
  Be the change that you wanna see." And this is that, principle at work on a mini scale.
• 19:25
  Like in your home we can see, oh, I work on me, I manage my own mind, my own feelings, my own behavior, and it has a ripple effect.
• 19:34
  And I feel like so many times, and this is what's happening in the world today, people look at all the things outside of their control that are going wrong, and they think,"Man, I can't do anything," so they do nothing.
• 19:47
  And that's what happens to parents.
• 19:48
  They're like,"Well, I can't get them to pass their class.
• 19:50
  I can't get them to go to school.
• 19:51
  I can't get them to stop vaping or selling vapes, so why even try?" And they try and do nothing.
• 19:58
  And Theresa, you are like the poster child.
• 20:02
  You are a perfect example of taking all that energy that was focused on things outside of your control, re-harnessing that, and utilizing that energy to be the very best version of yourself that you can be.
• 20:17
  And I remember when I felt like you really started, like, not that you didn't get it before,'cause we get it conceptually.
• 20:26
  Yeah.
• 20:26
  But when you started being that and living that, I remember feeling like things changed with your health, with other relationships, with your job.
• 20:37
  Mm-hmm.
• 20:37
  Would you agree with- Yeah that assessment?
• 20:39
  Yeah, I was, um, you know, like I said before, I was, I was paralyzed.
• 20:45
  Um, I wouldn't do anything.
• 20:47
  I wasn't taking care of myself.
• 20:48
  I, I became very unhealthy.
• 20:50
  Um, I gained a lot of weight.
• 20:52
  Um, and after, um, you know, again, I always heard you in my head saying,"You can't control your teenager.
• 20:59
  You can't control, um, you know, just, just work with you can, what you can control." And, um, you know, it, it, it makes you think, it makes you take a step back and really, really, really look at everything.
• 21:12
  And, um, I started taking care of myself.
• 21:16
  I started getting back to the gym.
• 21:18
  Um, I moved.
• 21:23
  I moved at the end of 2020, um, which was a huge, huge step for me.
• 21:30
  Um, I was terrified, especially with my son, you know, I didn't know what to expect with him.
• 21:36
  Um- And I also, uh, got a new job, and it was terrifying.
• 21:44
  Um, but I went for it, and I would never have done it, um, when I was feeling the way I was feeling with my son because not only, um, I was afraid.
• 21:56
  I was afraid to leave him alone.
• 21:58
  Um, and I wasn't confident in myself.
• 22:00
  Yeah.
• 22:01
  And, uh, now I, I switched jobs.
• 22:05
  Um, and everything is, everything is going really great, and I'm...
• 22:09
  You know, it's just, sometimes I pinch myself.
• 22:14
  Yeah.
• 22:14
  Like,"No, is this real?" Yeah.
• 22:16
  H- here's something I want to point out We see it a lot in life where people, they're not happy and they change the job or they go, they start going to the gym, they start a diet, they send their...
• 22:30
  One of the things a lot of the parents that I work with, they've tried sending their kids to wilderness therapy and off to these- Mm-hmm in-house treatment facilities.
• 22:41
  They're trying to change all the things from the outside hoping that will change things on the inside.
• 22:46
  Mm-hmm.
• 22:47
  But when we commit to be that change, now things start changing on the outside.
• 22:55
  And that's one of the things I tell parents all the time,"Let go of the things outside of your control." Once you start being the change that you want to see in your teenager, other things will just start to fall into place as they should be.
• 23:12
  It's because when we change our inner frequency, like how we think, how we feel, the world around us will match that frequency.
• 23:23
  And one of the things...
• 23:26
  So at the end of each coaching session, I always ask,"What's the most beneficial thing that we talked about today?" And one day in particular, you said the most beneficial thing, and I don't know if you said this or if I said this, but you said, I can't change him." Or it said,"You can't change him, but you'll be surprised by the impact that you have in his life." And this is what we've seen.
• 23:54
  Like- Mm you didn't change him.
• 23:56
  Mm-mm.
• 23:57
  You changed you.
• 23:58
  Oh, yeah.
• 23:59
  I changed me.
• 23:59
  But man, you had a big impact- Mm-hmm in his life.
• 24:01
  Yeah.
• 24:01
  And, and, um, you know, when you just said that, you know, you change yourself and everything around you starts to change.
• 24:10
  Yeah, I d- you know, yeah, it sounds good.
• 24:13
  It sounds good when you say it, um, but did I believe it?
• 24:17
  No, I did not.
• 24:18
  I did not believe it at all.
• 24:19
  Um, but I was...
• 24:21
  I, you know, I didn't know what else to do.
• 24:23
  I did everything.
• 24:23
  I did everything.
• 24:25
  People would give me advice and I would say,"Did it, did it, did it, did it, did that, tried that." And, um, then I started talking to you and I...
• 24:34
  You know, what do I have to lose?
• 24:36
  What do I have to lose?
• 24:37
  Yeah.
• 24:37
  You know, let me just take his advice.
• 24:39
  Let me just do what he's telling me to do.
• 24:41
  Let me just think, you know, try and change the way I'm, I'm thinking and- I'm telling you, it, it changed, it do- it changed my whole life.
• 24:50
  And I'll take it with me forever now.
• 24:53
  And I, I look at so many situations so differently than I used to.
• 24:58
  And it's, it just makes a huge difference.
• 25:02
  It makes a huge- Yeah difference.
• 25:04
  And I don't...
• 25:06
  Do you remember I would, again, catastrophize, almost panic.
• 25:11
  And now I just say to myself,"Okay, calm down.
• 25:17
  Think about, think about it.
• 25:19
  Just think about what you were just thinking about.
• 25:20
  Think about what is, you know, what you're doing or..." And, um, I just see clearer.
• 25:27
  I see clearer so I can take the path, the positive path, and not the negative path Yeah.
• 25:35
  Yeah, I love that.
• 25:36
  Yeah.
• 25:37
  I just, I love where you are, and I, I hope we've done a good enough job so that people listening can see this, but where you started.
• 25:48
  Like, I remember at one point, I, I have it written down here somewhere.
• 25:52
  You said,"Man, I wish you could just change my brain so I'd quit seeing the negative, so I'd quit- Mm-hmm yelling." The powerful thing is when you realize that you literally have the power- Mm-hmm to change your brain.
• 26:05
  That's right.
• 26:06
  Mm-hmm.
• 26:07
  One of the things that people don't realize, like, just being human, we have a tendency to see things through a negative lens.
• 26:15
  Always.
• 26:15
  Uh, there's a study that I quote all the time that says that 85% of our thoughts are negative.
• 26:23
  I don't know how the scientists determined negative or came up with that, but that's what they said.
• 26:27
  85% of our thoughts are negative, and the next thing they said was 95% of our thoughts are habitual.
• 26:35
  That means it's the same thing we thought yesterday, and last week, and last year.
• 26:40
  And the power is when we realize,"No, I can change my thoughts.
• 26:45
  I can create new thinking habits." And over the course of, like, for you, honestly, over the course, like, between our first and second coaching call, things started to change.
• 27:00
  Things had clicked.
• 27:01
  That's how quick things can change.
• 27:03
  Mm-hmm.
• 27:04
  But also just keep in mind, like, over the m- next several months, that's when these new thought patterns really started sinking in, and rather than being so forced and so conscious, they started to become more natural and just happened more on a subconscious habit level.
• 27:25
  Would you agree with that?
• 27:26
  Yeah, I totally agree.
• 27:27
  And, and, and listen, it doesn't happen every single time.
• 27:31
  Like, I have to s- I have to really make myself think about things sometimes.
• 27:35
  Um, you know, but for the most part, it's, it is almost, it- it's a natural thing.
• 27:42
  Yeah.
• 27:42
  It's a natural thing.
• 27:43
  So at first, when a situation would happen, immediately I would react, and that's the thing that the...
• 27:51
  You're so...
• 27:53
  It, it's so natural to just react and not to think about it.
• 27:56
  And I taught myself, well, you taught me, and I took that lesson, and I really- Taught myself to stop.
• 28:05
  When there's a situation, stop, and just think about it first before reacting.
• 28:11
  And again- Yeah still to this day, sometimes that doesn't happen, but I would say 90%, 80, 90% it ha- it, that's what I do.
• 28:21
  That's what I do.
• 28:22
  Yeah.
• 28:23
  And it's, it really is life-changing.
• 28:24
  And it's life-changing for our children, but it's also life-changing for yourself, where I used to have d- when I first started talking to you, I had...
• 28:37
  I was very anxious.
• 28:38
  I was very anxious.
• 28:39
  I was very...
• 28:41
  I was just a mess.
• 28:42
  I was a mess.
• 28:44
  Um, and I know throughout the time speaking to you, I think now, I, I feel so much more calm.
• 28:52
  Um- Yeah I'm really, I'm more calm.
• 28:54
  I, I just, I can think clearly now, and, um, and I'm grateful.
• 28:59
  I- I'm grateful.
• 29:01
  Yeah.
• 29:01
  I believe that calmness comes from mastering the things within your control.
• 29:07
  Yeah.
• 29:08
  And whenever that anxiousness comes back, that's just, all it is, and it is an indicator that you're focusing on things outside of your control.
• 29:16
  Yes.
• 29:17
  Mm-hmm.
• 29:17
  And when we can bring it back in to,"No, I can control how I think.
• 29:22
  I can control how I feel, how I behave," that helps process all of that.
• 29:26
  Yes.
• 29:26
  It's, it's up to you.
• 29:28
  So- Mm-hmm.
• 29:29
  Yeah.
• 29:29
  So I wanna ask you, if...
• 29:32
  So most of the people listening to this are mothers.
• 29:35
  You dads out there listening, let's keep going.
• 29:37
  Share this with your other dad friends,'cause there aren't very many of us that are willing to do this.
• 29:42
  But most people are moms, which I enjoy working with moms better than dads anyways.
• 29:48
  But no, you few dads that I work with, you know I love you.
• 29:52
  Okay, here's the thing, though.
• 29:54
  If a mom was thinking about getting coaching, but she's not sure whether I need it, whether I don't, what would you tell a mother that some indicators are that she could benefit from coaching?
• 30:08
  Well, it's hard to do this on your own.
• 30:12
  Um, I tried.
• 30:13
  I tri- I tried, I tried to do it on my own.
• 30:15
  Um, you need somebody to kind of guide you, guide you on specific situations.
• 30:24
  You know, not everybody's situation is the same.
• 30:27
  Um, specific situations, uh, you know,'cause you would...
• 30:31
  I would tell you my situation.
• 30:33
  I would tell you what happened the night before.
• 30:34
  I would tell you, um, you know, what was going on, and you would take that situation, and we would talk about it, and that was really, really beneficial.
• 30:45
  It wasn't like I was reading a book or listening to, you know, a, a coach talk about other situations that didn't apply to me.
• 30:56
  Um, I think parents need guidance on their specific situations.
• 31:03
  Um, and I also think, and I know it's hard, I know it's hard to change your mindset, and I know sometimes you feel like there's no light at the end of the tunnel,'cause that's exactly how I felt.
• 31:14
  But, um, uh, you know, working with you, it took a few months.
• 31:21
  It did.
• 31:22
  Um, but I did.
• 31:23
  I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and honestly, I couldn't have did it without you I couldn't have.
• 31:31
  And, and n- like I said, reading books, you know, I tried to take advice from books, um, but I wasn't applying it.
• 31:43
  I wasn't applying it and until I spoke to you, and you and I spoke on our whatever it was, weekly or monthly, I don't even remember, and, um, that's when it really Finally clicked with me, um, just because- Yeah you and I worked closely together.
• 31:59
  And you knew my son, and you knew what my son was doing.
• 32:01
  You knew my situation.
• 32:03
  Um, it's just, it's, it really is, it's just a mind, a mindset change, and it's not easy.
• 32:11
  It's really not easy.
• 32:12
  But it's definitely- Yeah it, it's...
• 32:15
  Listen, if I changed my mind and my mindset from where I was, it's, it really is life-changing, and I really do believe that if people really try, and again, it's, it takes a long time, but it does happen.
• 32:34
  It does happen, and things will start to change.
• 32:36
  And it might not be a big change.
• 32:39
  It might be some little tiny changes,'cause that's how it happened with me.
• 32:42
  It was just little tiny changes here and there, and then all of a sudden, all these huge changes just started happening.
• 32:51
  And, uh, I just, you know, I'm grateful.
• 32:55
  I'm grateful for you.
• 32:57
  Well, I'm grateful for you.
• 32:59
  So what I heard you say basically is if, moms and dads out there, if you feel like you don't know what to do and you'd like personalized guidance through your specific situation, you'd be a good fit.
• 33:11
  If you're tired of banging your head on the wall and trying everything and nothing seems to work, you'd be a good fit for coaching.
• 33:18
  And I, I do have to be honest.
• 33:23
  I feel like you had a certain level of desperation when you came to me.
• 33:31
  Would you agree with that?
• 33:32
  Like- Yes you were desperate- Yes for just anything to work.
• 33:35
  Mm-hmm.
• 33:37
  I feel like that condition, that place of being desperate, is very frowned upon in our society.
• 33:45
  Like, we don't like to be vulnerable.
• 33:48
  We don't like to be desperate.
• 33:49
  We don't like to be in need of outside help.
• 33:53
  But Theresa, I think that was one of the things that you had going for you, is that you're like,"I don't care how weird this sounds.
• 34:00
  I am desperate.
• 34:01
  I'm gonna try it.
• 34:02
  I'm gonna make it work." Mm-hmm.
• 34:03
  And I think that's part of the reason you have seen not only such good success and relatively quick, like we saw things changing from right off the bat.
• 34:17
  Like, you were one of my favorite clients because from week to week you'd be like,"Oh my goodness.
• 34:24
  Things are changing.
• 34:25
  It's still hard." Mm-hmm.
• 34:26
  Like,"I still think he's a piece of crap sometimes," or whatever.
• 34:29
  You're right.
• 34:29
  But- You're right you could see like, but things are changing.
• 34:33
  I'm noticing these things.
• 34:34
  Right.
• 34:36
  But the lasting change that you've had- Yeah is because you were willing to change from the inside out.
• 34:43
  And I remember when you quit trying to change your teen all of a sudden that freed up so much power, so much energy for you to just focus on being the best version of you.
• 34:55
  And so, parents, I wanna tell you as you listen to this If you're in a stage where you feel desperate, where you feel like you've tried everything and nothing works, which by the way, that will increase your shame, because when we're desperate, we feel ashamed.
• 35:15
  Mm-hmm.
• 35:16
  I wanna let you know it's okay.
• 35:18
  Desperation is a powerful, powerful place to work from.
• 35:23
  Like, if someone kidnapped one of my children, I guarantee...
• 35:27
  Okay, anyone listening, do not try this- because I don't wanna do it.
• 35:30
  But I guarantee you, like, I could probably come up with a million dollars.
• 35:34
  Like, I- Yeah reach out to people.
• 35:36
  I would offer coaching to, like, whatever I gotta do.
• 35:40
  From that place of desperation, I would make it happen.
• 35:43
  And so as you were kind of talking about, like, hey, if you're going through this, that's what I kept thinking about, man.
• 35:49
  If you're desperate, quit being desperate and really harness the power of where you are and make this happen.
• 35:56
  I think our first session, if I remember, I was like,"Please help me." Yes, I remember.
• 36:06
  I was like,"I need help.
• 36:07
  Please help me." And so I hope you don't mind that I share this.
• 36:15
  Like, this is a clean podcast, but I...
• 36:18
  You would swear, and you would just- Oh, I was be so frustrated.
• 36:21
  I was.
• 36:22
  I was.
• 36:23
  Your vulnerability- It's okay helps- I am move you forward.
• 36:30
  And most parents...
• 36:31
  So like, you guys, if you don't know this by now, like, I- everything I teach, you can get it for free on this podcast.
• 36:39
  But most parents aren't able to use what they hear for free because that's not getting vulnerable.
• 36:46
  That's not putting your weaknesses and your pains and your fears out in front of someone.
• 36:52
  And when...
• 36:54
  This is how I know.
• 36:56
  Like, I try and be reasonably priced.
• 36:59
  Like, I'm not the most expensive coach out there, and I offer group coaching to make it even more affordable, and I offer the podcast for free.
• 37:08
  But I know when parents are like,"Whatever it takes," like,"We'll pay you, we'll pay for my teen," like,"Whatever we need to do," that to me, I'm like, okay, yeah, you guys are ready.
• 37:19
  Let's get to work.
• 37:21
  And those are the parents that see the quickest, the most lasting transformation.
• 37:29
  Um, periodically I offer a free trial of my membership, and I hate to say it, but people who do things for free, they typically don't get the growth.
• 37:41
  They don't see the evolution, the transformation.
• 37:45
  And then they're like,"Man, I didn't take advantage of that.
• 37:49
  Guess I'm gonna pay for it." That's when they start seeing the transformation because they're invested.
• 37:54
  They're all in So, guys, you and I could talk for hours.
• 37:59
  Theresa, if I asked you, i- is there one thing that you would tell someone that is looking for help, just they don't know what to do?
• 38:09
  Like, what's one piece of advice that you would give them?
• 38:12
  Like, besides hire Ben, come work with him, like, what's one thing that you would say,"Oh, do this"?
• 38:18
  I, I would say No matter what you do, you cannot change somebody else.
• 38:24
  Yes.
• 38:25
  You can't change somebody else.
• 38:27
  Um, I know it's scary not to be able to control your teenager, um, but you can't.
• 38:34
  Um, and you really have to just control what you can.
• 38:40
  Control what you can.
• 38:42
  Um, be there.
• 38:43
  Be there f- for your teenager.
• 38:45
  You know, there was so many times I just wasn't, I wasn't there for him because I just...
• 38:50
  I was so angry with him all the time.
• 38:52
  Um, n- and then I just changed and I just said,"You know, I'm, I'm here.
• 38:57
  I'm here if you need me, if you wanna talk." Um, that's really it.
• 39:03
  I mean, just don't...
• 39:05
  You cannot control them.
• 39:08
  Yeah.
• 39:08
  And I know that it's scary, and I know that teens get into a lot of trouble.
• 39:14
  Um, and you, of course, you have to look out for your kid, but, um, you just can't control them.
• 39:21
  Yeah.
• 39:22
  And it's scary.
• 39:23
  For some- yes, it is scary.
• 39:26
  If you're scared- Mm-hmm like, we get it that it is scary.
• 39:31
  And it's very- That's why we call- scary to let go, too.
• 39:34
  Yeah.
• 39:34
  Like, let go of controlling them.
• 39:36
  Yes.
• 39:37
  I need to have you come speak at one of my groups.
• 39:39
  I'm actually probably gonna refer to the people in my groups to come listen to this episode, because you just talked about it's scary to let go.
• 39:46
  Yeah.
• 39:47
  And recently in one of the group programs that I offer, one of the moms was like,"You're always telling us let go of what you can't control.
• 39:56
  Stop trying to control things outside of your control." Like, I sound like a broken record.
• 40:01
  And she's like,"If we can't control any of these things, what's the point?" And I just wanted to just, like, say,"No, this is the point.
• 40:12
  You let go of all those things outside of your control, and now you can focus on being who you want to be." Like, ultimately, control is an illusion, by the way.
• 40:24
  Like, when I ask you guys, those of you listening who I work with, when I'm like,"Well, let go of what you can't control.
• 40:30
  Only control what you can control," and when I ask you,"What can you control?" I hate to tell you this, but the real answer is nothing.
• 40:38
  Like, we could all be dead tomorrow.
• 40:42
  Every day we have is a gift.
• 40:44
  It's outside of our control.
• 40:46
  So now that we realize that, every day that you have, just embrace the few things that,"Oh, I can do this.
• 40:53
  I can think this way.
• 40:54
  I can do this." Because tomorrow it could all be taken from you.
• 40:58
  And that's the thing that's so powerful, is that when you s- when you let go of the things that are outside of your control, as scary and as hard as that is- You start parenting from a place of power and confidence, and you're gonna start loving who you find there inside of yourself.
• 41:18
  And that is going to have the biggest impact on your teen no matter what.
• 41:23
  Like, for every client that I have that's like Theresa and their teen is, like, doing amazing and wonderful, I also have some clients that they're like,"Man, I've changed.
• 41:33
  I've done all the things, but my teenager is still a knucklehead.
• 41:37
  They're still making dumb decisions." But the power is when you start being the parent of your dreams and you just control you, you realize, oh, I have the power to manage that.
• 41:50
  I can still be the parent of my dreams regardless of what my teenager does.
• 41:54
  Can I give you one more example?
• 41:55
  I'm sorry.
• 41:56
  Yes, please.
• 41:56
  He should have mentioned this before.
• 41:57
  So when I, when he first started this new school, um, I knew the first day wasn't gonna go well because I saw he had 11 classes, and I saw that he was gonna be in school for eight hours, and I don't think he realized that was gonna happen.
• 42:12
  So I knew he was gonna come home and he was gonna fly off the handle, and he did.
• 42:20
  He came home and he's like,"I'm never going back.
• 42:22
  I'm not going back.
• 42:23
  You know, it's too long of a day." And I said, I said,"Okay." And, and then, you know what?
• 42:32
  I c- I think I just let, let it go that day because he was really, like, he was just in a mood, and I knew talking to him at that time, he wasn't gonna hear me.
• 42:40
  So the next morning, um, he gets up and he says,"I'm not going.
• 42:46
  I'm not going to school.
• 42:47
  I'm not staying there all day.
• 42:49
  It's too long.
• 42:50
  It's exhausting." And I just said, I said,"Okay." I said,"Listen, it's your life.
• 42:56
  Um, if you don't wanna go to school, that's, you know, if you don't wanna get a diploma..." He's like,"I wanna get a GED.
• 43:03
  I wanna go, you know, get a GED." And I said,"Okay.
• 43:06
  Just know that a GED is tough.
• 43:08
  Um, you know, you do have to study on your own, and it's probably tougher than staying in school." Um, you know, I said,"Maybe, you know, maybe call the school and tell them how you feel, you know?" Um, and I said, he, and he's like,"Are you mad?" And I said,"No, I'm not mad." I said,"I can't make you go to school." I said,"I think you should go to school.
• 43:28
  I think you should maybe talk to somebody." I said,"But, you know, it's your decision.
• 43:32
  Ultimately, it is your decision." And that morning, about 30 minutes later, he walks out the door, and he went to school.
• 43:41
  And not only did he go to school, but he spoke to somebody, one of the counselors, and that's when he signed up for the internship program.
• 43:49
  And from that day on, he has not complained, not once,'cause I kinda put it in his own hands.
• 43:57
  Yeah.
• 43:58
  Take him the reins.
• 43:59
  Normally, I would be screaming, be like,"Get out while school." You know?
• 44:03
  But I didn't.
• 44:04
  I mean, I didn't raise my voice, not for a second.
• 44:06
  And I treated him, you know what?
• 44:08
  I treated him with respect, and I treated him like a, like a young adult.
• 44:14
  Yeah.
• 44:15
  I love that.
• 44:16
  Awesome.
• 44:19
  Theresa, we could seriously go on and on.
• 44:21
  I just love hanging out with you.
• 44:22
  I love talking to you.
• 44:23
  I love...
• 44:25
  I loved you from the very beginning.
• 44:27
  Thank you.
• 44:27
  But I love this transformation.
• 44:29
  Like, y- you just, y- you're the right amount of feisty, sassy.
• 44:34
  Like, don't take any crap.
• 44:36
  Like, I, I, I just, I love hanging out with you.
• 44:40
  I love this transformation.
• 44:42
  Unfortunately, my podcast cannot go on forever, so But I just, I wanna thank you for being willing to share your experience, share your story.
• 44:55
  And I wanna tell you, I know it's hard.
• 44:58
  I know it's scary.
• 44:59
  I know you were a little nervous coming onto the podcast, but- Your vulnerability, your willingness to be wrong maybe, to change, to do things differently, that is so powerful.
• 45:14
  And I just, I wanted to showcase that.
• 45:15
  I wanted to show anyone listening who you f- feel like,"Man, I don't know what to do.
• 45:22
  I'm lost.
• 45:23
  I, I don't even like my teenager," just know that you're okay.
• 45:28
  That's fine to feel that way.
• 45:30
  And when you're ready, when you want something different, it's possible.
• 45:35
  And I just, Theresa, I want you to know that you are a shining example of what is possible as a parent, and I applaud you for being willing to commit to that and try things differently.
• 45:50
  So I just, uh, I feel honored to have you on as my guest, so thank you.
• 45:56
  Thank you.
• 45:57
  And I'm honored to have you helping me throughout these, almost a year now.
• 46:03
  I really am.
• 46:04
  Yeah.
• 46:04
  I'm so grateful.
• 46:06
  Yeah.
• 46:06
  It's been so good.
• 46:07
  It's been a blessing in my life.
• 46:10
  And with that, Theresa, thank you for joining me.
• 46:13
  I appreciate you being here.
• 46:14
  Thank you.
• 46:15
  Thank you for having me.
• 46:16
  Yeah.
• 46:17
  All right, guys.
• 46:18
  I'll be back next week.
• 46:20
  Thanks for tuning in, and I'll see you soon.
• 46:23
  If you listened to Theresa's story and thought,"Okay, I understand this, but I have no idea how to actually do this in my situation," that is exactly what I help parents with.
• 46:35
  You can book a free game plan call with me, and we'll look at what's happening with your teen, where you're getting stuck, and what I think your best next step is.
• 46:47
  There's no pressure and no obligation.
• 46:50
  Just go to benpughcoaching.com/mini.
• 46:55
  and book a time that works for you.
• 46:58
  I'll see you soon