Latest / Pretty In Pink Again / Episode 39: Someone’s Always Crying: Parenting and the Emotional Roller Coaster

Transcript

Episode 39: Someone’s Always Crying: Parenting and the Emotional Roller Coaster · Pretty In Pink Again

• 0:00
  I'm Christina.
• 0:00
  And I'm t And this is the Pretty and Pink again podcast.
• 0:03
  We're motherhood needs rediscovery.
• 0:16
  Hey.
• 0:17
  Hi.
• 0:18
  We're buzzing today.
• 0:20
  We're buzzing.
• 0:21
  So when you came in before, first of all, why am I always startled in this house?
• 0:27
  Because I just make myself at home.
• 0:29
  Yeah, but I knew you were coming over.
• 0:30
  I'm wa in, but I knew you were coming over.
• 0:32
  This is my house.
• 0:33
  So I'm in the kitchen eating my banana and I'm like, ah, who's here?
• 0:36
  I go, Hey, it's just me like mother.
• 0:41
  I am always, but Christina and I are buzzing right now.
• 0:44
  Oh my God.
• 0:44
  You didn't see our Instagram from yesterday.
• 0:46
  We had IVs done.
• 0:47
  Pink IVs.
• 0:48
  Yep.
• 0:48
  That were filled with question mark.
• 0:51
  Still not sure.
• 0:52
  Yeah.
• 0:52
  That was what, so we celebrate a few, like a kind of a little group of us do it's like the birthday group I would call it, where it's just like we go out to lunch or we do something fun for our birthdays.
• 1:02
  And our girl Maa decided that she wanted to do IVs for her birthday.
• 1:08
  Yeah.
• 1:08
  And we were like.
• 1:10
  Sounds great.
• 1:11
  Like we all need a little pick me up.
• 1:12
  And so we went and got some IVs done.
• 1:15
  And so we were all like, we looked like a bunch of old ladies, like all sitting around with IV drips hanging out.
• 1:21
  We're like having lunch, we're having cupcakes.
• 1:23
  Like just shooting the shit, like just hanging out.
• 1:26
  On a Monday.
• 1:27
  I'm like, what are we doing?
• 1:29
  It was amazing.
• 1:30
  But the best part was, is that the owner of the med spa was giving everybody a science lesson.
• 1:35
  Yeah.
• 1:35
  Like a really intense science lesson.
• 1:37
  And at one point I cut her off and I was like, read the room.
• 1:39
  Dumb dumber, dummy dumb.
• 1:41
  She's does this make us hot?
• 1:43
  Loves science.
• 1:43
  Who likes science?
• 1:44
  And we're like, is better a carb?
• 1:48
  We're like, just tell us what's gonna make us feel good.
• 1:51
  Is it gonna make me lose three pounds?
• 1:53
  Yes.
• 1:53
  Okay.
• 1:54
  So we're still.
• 1:56
  Waiting to just feel great.
• 1:58
  Yeah.
• 1:58
  We're just, we're always waiting to feel functional.
• 2:01
  That's what I, Christina was sitting there whispering into Chet GPT, is this gonna make me feel better?
• 2:06
  And I was like, I just want Chet GPT to one day grow a pair and say no.
• 2:10
  It will know what, you know what?
• 2:12
  You've tried it all and just no.
• 2:15
  You're, I'm tired of answering you.
• 2:16
  The answer is no.
• 2:17
  I was actually making sure that none of what I was going to put in my body interfered with the thousand supplements that I'm taking.
• 2:23
  So I was just making, I was just making sure.
• 2:26
  Okay.
• 2:26
  I know I saw you summon her over to you and be and show her your list.
• 2:31
  I was like, excuse me, I have quite a list.
• 2:33
  She was like, lemme put my glasses on.
• 2:35
  I think you're okay.
• 2:37
  So that was our day.
• 2:38
  But we are feeling it.
• 2:39
  We feel energized.
• 2:40
  I'm buzzy.
• 2:41
  I feel good.
• 2:42
  So I guess it's working.
• 2:43
  So yeah, I'm in a good mood.
• 2:45
  Yeah.
• 2:46
  Would you say you are?
• 2:47
  I'm okay.
• 2:49
  So you put your Christmas trees up?
• 2:50
  What's so funny?
• 2:51
  Yeah, no, I'm buzzing.
• 2:52
  I put my trees up.
• 2:53
  Yeah, I took it all by myself.
• 2:54
  That's why I startled you'cause you were like in the middle of dragging up the trees.
• 2:58
  Putting your trees up.
• 2:59
  Good for you.
• 2:59
  Yeah.
• 3:00
  So now they're up.
• 3:01
  Anyway, so what are we talking about today?
• 3:03
  We were gonna talk about something a little bit more serious, and then we completely switched gears, and then we got, I said, I'm just not in the, I'm not in the mood.
• 3:10
  One of the topics that has come up, again, we love when we get feedback from you guys and you guys give us topic suggestions, but we always get asked about like female friendships and something that had come up was conflict and so we were gonna talk about that today.
• 3:24
  But I'm in a funny mood and I don't really feel like that.
• 3:27
  We're gonna table that for next week.
• 3:27
  We're gonna table it.
• 3:28
  We're gonna table it for another time.
• 3:30
  But we were, then we decided that we were gonna talk about just motherhood as feeling like it's an amusement park.
• 3:38
  Yeah.
• 3:39
  'cause that's how it feels, right?
• 3:40
  A lot of the time, right now, we have the giggles.
• 3:42
  We're happy.
• 3:43
  Right.
• 3:43
  We're having a good time.
• 3:44
  My children also act like this immediately, and then two seconds later Yep.
• 3:49
  It turns into crying, screaming, biting, There is such a thing as i'm sure every mom, every parent knows that sound of like your kids laughing and having a good time, and you're like, here it comes.
• 4:02
  It's gonna turn.
• 4:03
  Because it always does.
• 4:04
  Yeah.
• 4:04
  It goes from fun and games to a shit show real quick.
• 4:08
  And I live that every single day.
• 4:10
  Like where if someone's not having a meltdown and then everybody's excited, I'm like, oh no.
• 4:16
  Like it's, it's just around the corner.
• 4:18
  You can savor it.
• 4:19
  You can try to be present and live in that fun moment.
• 4:22
  But it turns quick.
• 4:23
  It turns quick.
• 4:24
  So it's a roller coaster.
• 4:25
  It's a roller coaster.
• 4:26
  It turns quick.
• 4:26
  Yeah.
• 4:26
  I don't even like rides.
• 4:28
  Okay.
• 4:28
  I used to, but now No thanks.
• 4:30
  I wanna be steady.
• 4:31
  I get dizzy.
• 4:32
  Yeah.
• 4:32
  I wanna be steady.
• 4:34
  So when I was pregnant with the twins, one of Nick's colleagues had a similar setup to us.
• 4:39
  They had two boys and then they had twin girls.
• 4:41
  Wild.
• 4:42
  And that was gonna be our setup.
• 4:44
  Yeah.
• 4:44
  And so he said to Nick.
• 4:46
  You're gonna be fine.
• 4:47
  It's gonna be great.
• 4:48
  It's gonna be a lot of fun.
• 4:49
  Just accept that somebody will always be crying.
• 4:52
  It might be one of the kids.
• 4:53
  It might be one of you.
• 4:54
  Somebody will always be crying.
• 4:55
  Somebody will always be unhappy.
• 4:57
  That's literally, that's it.
• 4:57
  Like mic job advice.
• 4:59
  But it's yeah, if you heard that in the moment, you don't even know what that means.
• 5:02
  But now you can look back at that advice and be like, that's exactly how it is.
• 5:07
  But we are only as happy as our unhappiest person in the family.
• 5:10
  It's so true.
• 5:11
  So if one person is weighing us down it gets, it's very easy for everybody to stoop to that level.
• 5:17
  It's true.
• 5:17
  Just true.
• 5:17
  Like when everybody is on their best behavior.
• 5:19
  Yeah.
• 5:19
  And good, everybody will be good.
• 5:20
  Everyone's vibing.
• 5:21
  If there's one person who's hungry, cold, tired, itchy, scratchy, whatever it is hot, forget it.
• 5:30
  Done.
• 5:30
  Done.
• 5:30
  Yeah.
• 5:31
  Takes the whole group down.
• 5:32
  Takes us all out.
• 5:33
  Yep.
• 5:33
  Yep.
• 5:34
  I get it.
• 5:34
  I totally get it.
• 5:35
  So that is the state in which.
• 5:38
  We live in.
• 5:38
  So we were gonna try to keep this a little bit silly and maybe share some funny stories and just keep this lighthearted because we have to laugh our way through motherhood.
• 5:47
  Yeah.
• 5:48
  Especially this season, just like I have so many stories from when the kids were toddlers and got injured when they were having a good time.
• 5:55
  And just one thing led to the next, and next thing I know, we're in the emergency room, with stitches.
• 6:02
  When Vincent was two, we had a play date here with one of my girlfriends, and he was jumping in the trampoline downstairs, like The little one.
• 6:09
  The little one that had the one that had the net around.
• 6:11
  Yeah.
• 6:11
  Don't have that one anymore.
• 6:13
  And he was jumping on it and he jumped towards the net and it was close to the fireplace and he cut his lip from lip to nose.
• 6:20
  Oh.
• 6:20
  So I had to take him to the emergency room to get stitches.
• 6:23
  This was on a Friday night.
• 6:24
  Nick was working so he couldn't do the stitches.
• 6:27
  So we an wait whenever we get stitches.
• 6:30
  I am not squeamish with blood, but I was so freaked out'cause it was my own kid seeing him like that.
• 6:37
  Yeah.
• 6:37
  So I am in the bay next to him drinking the apple juice.
• 6:41
  'cause I thought I was gonna pass.
• 6:42
  I thought I was gonna faint.
• 6:43
  It was crazy.
• 6:44
  I couldn't like power through this.
• 6:47
  So we finish up, Nick finishes up work and Vincent was a little woozy'cause they had given him the laughing gas to calm him down.
• 6:55
  So I was waiting for Nick to finish up doing something.
• 6:59
  So I was like playing around with the ultrasound machine in his office and I ended up finding like thyroid masses on Nick's neck.
• 7:07
  Oh.
• 7:07
  So I was scanning him, mean, then I hear Vincent boom fall again.
• 7:12
  I forgot that he was still woozy from the medication.
• 7:16
  So he fell a second time in the office anyways, but.
• 7:20
  It just goes from fine to not fine.
• 7:23
  Always, Always in two seconds.
• 7:24
  So we had a moment the other day.
• 7:27
  We have, we were carpeting our playroom.
• 7:29
  'cause we've had, we had a mat carpeting, the playroom.
• 7:31
  Okay.
• 7:32
  Yes.
• 7:32
  We had a mat that we had on the playroom, which I loved so much.
• 7:35
  It was from House of Noah.
• 7:36
  And we just used the whole, it was like a play mat.
• 7:39
  We c we just used that to cover the floor, which was literally the best decision for a while, especially with little kids.
• 7:45
  But now that they're like moving and grooving, I'm like let's get some carpet in there.
• 7:49
  Make it nice and plush.
• 7:50
  And so we had to move everything out of the playroom.
• 7:53
  And the playroom is my sanity because everybody can be contained.
• 7:58
  I can pull the gate and make sure that everybody is there.
• 8:02
  And so if I need a moment, I put everybody in there.
• 8:05
  So it's it's a way to prevent danger, right?
• 8:07
  So when we had to move everything out of the playroom, it our first floor became like the wild west where it's now there's no gate.
• 8:14
  I can't contain anybody.
• 8:16
  And the kids were so excited running around, oh, our toys are over here, and this is here, and, but like running all over the place.
• 8:24
  And we, I like, looked at Raj I knew, we knew.
• 8:27
  I'm like panicking okay, everybody's getting too excited.
• 8:29
  This is getting too overwhelming.
• 8:31
  Everybody take a beat.
• 8:32
  Take a beat.
• 8:33
  Layla, like slips on something, wipes out.
• 8:37
  I like her feet go out from under her.
• 8:39
  Picture this, she lands on her chin.
• 8:41
  It's like blood everywhere screams and it went from such an excited moment to just chaos.
• 8:49
  I'm holding her.
• 8:50
  There's blood.
• 8:50
  It's just, I'm like, I'm trying not to panic.
• 8:53
  Have you seen yet for your kids, the levels of regulation and like the stages, so there's I know in the green level is like happy content.
• 9:02
  Yep.
• 9:02
  Blue is sad.
• 9:03
  Yeah.
• 9:04
  But in the red, excited is actually in the red.
• 9:07
  Excited isn't in the green.
• 9:09
  Excited is in the red.
• 9:10
  And there's a reason for that.
• 9:11
  And it's true because excitement.
• 9:13
  Even though you might think oh, excited is a good thing, you're so excited.
• 9:17
  No, it's not a good thing because it usually always leads to something crazy happening.
• 9:22
  Yes.
• 9:22
  And you don't wanna be the party pooper.
• 9:24
  You don't wanna just bring down the fun and deflate the energy, as a mom you're like, something's gonna happen because they're in that red.
• 9:32
  And that was what was happening.
• 9:33
  That excited red.
• 9:35
  I could see it happening and I was like, everyone's too excited.
• 9:39
  We gotta take this down a notch.
• 9:40
  And we just did it and it sucks.
• 9:42
  As the mom, your job is to be the party pooper, quite literally.
• 9:46
  You have to be the party pooper literal.
• 9:47
  Your job is the one to keep everybody safe.
• 9:49
  Yep.
• 9:49
  And to keep everybody safe is to sometimes squash fun.
• 9:52
  And I hate that.
• 9:53
  That's my role.
• 9:54
  'cause I wanna be, I'm the funer facilitator of fun.
• 9:56
  I don't wanna be the ender of fun.
• 9:58
  Yep.
• 9:59
  But I wanna be the ender of dangerous behavior.
• 10:02
  And it's funny that me and you were just saying to ourselves, we were just laughing about this and we laugh about this all the time.
• 10:07
  We used to be fun.
• 10:09
  And it maybe that is, and like we say that about ourselves I'm like, literally, I can't even go to an event now.
• 10:15
  I feel like I'm thinking ahead.
• 10:16
  I'm like panicking about I don't wanna have too much fun tonight because this will end up impacting me later on.
• 10:22
  So I'm the party pooper for my own self, but maybe I took on the role a little too hard.
• 10:27
  'cause I'm the party pooper for my family, and I'm also the party pooper for myself.
• 10:31
  So what if you weren't anymore?
• 10:32
  What if we weren't, what would happen?
• 10:33
  Chaos happen?
• 10:33
  What would happen in that sense?
• 10:34
  It would be actual chaos, right?
• 10:36
  Because you have to, you do that as to protect yourself.
• 10:39
  You do it to protect everybody and then to protect yourself.
• 10:41
  It's like an intuition.
• 10:43
  You know what's too much.
• 10:44
  It almost feels like your antennas are out, like all the timeline.
• 10:48
  You're just like always looking for danger and you're looking for like threats, right?
• 10:53
  Like to your environment.
• 10:55
  And that's how it feels I feel like my antennas are always up.
• 10:58
  I'm always looking out.
• 11:00
  It's exhausting.
• 11:01
  That's a whole conversation we have all the time.
• 11:02
  'cause when you're home in your house, every, your kids' guards are down because they're home and then they're comfortable.
• 11:07
  Yep.
• 11:08
  So when their guards are down, they'll do whatever.
• 11:11
  Because they feel safe.
• 11:12
  'cause they're at home.
• 11:12
  Sometimes when they're out they're better because they're a little bit more guarded.
• 11:17
  Guarded.
• 11:18
  Yeah.
• 11:18
  So sometimes I'm like, we need to get the hell out of this house for sure.
• 11:21
  So you can behave yourself.
• 11:22
  Yeah.
• 11:22
  The house.
• 11:23
  'cause you're terrible here.
• 11:24
  I agree.
• 11:24
  The house is an amusement park.
• 11:26
  It's like the house is the amusement park.
• 11:29
  Sometimes you have to leave.
• 11:30
  Yes.
• 11:30
  And I like to be home.
• 11:32
  Yeah.
• 11:32
  But I'm learning that I like to be home without them.
• 11:34
  Yeah.
• 11:35
  When I am home with them or when the six of us are together, it is pure.
• 11:39
  Chaos.
• 11:39
  Chaos.
• 11:40
  Do you find that when you guys are all together it's like that?
• 11:42
  A hundred percent.
• 11:43
  I feel, and that's why I always say, and I hate saying this because I don't mean it in a bad way, but I get these almost like Sunday scaries on Fridays.
• 11:51
  On Fridays because I feel like, I know it's like exciting.
• 11:54
  I love that we get to slow down, spend our weekends together.
• 11:58
  I obviously like, enjoy, that's the most time I get to spend with my husband.
• 12:02
  'cause otherwise we're working and divided and all over the place.
• 12:05
  So I'm like, it's nice to get that family time.
• 12:07
  But for some reason when the four of us are together, it seems like it goes from like a six energy to like.
• 12:15
  A 12 energy.
• 12:16
  It's just like we get the four of us get together and it's just becomes chaos.
• 12:21
  I agree.
• 12:22
  I agree.
• 12:22
  We haven't been able to master to be together, the six of us in like a big dose like that.
• 12:28
  Is that always have to separate?
• 12:30
  I don't know if it's normal, but that's true for my family.
• 12:32
  Like we went this weekend, we went to New York City and so we took the train there and I said, we're all separating on the train.
• 12:39
  Sit with a stranger.
• 12:41
  We're separating on the train because you guys are better with strangers.
• 12:43
  And I heard Vincent too rose up talking this lady's ear off.
• 12:47
  He was like, my mom is the president of OH Strides.
• 12:50
  Ava made friends with some other little girl.
• 12:52
  They were playing on my phone.
• 12:54
  Joseph was doing his own thing, like.
• 12:55
  everybody made, but every everybody knew that you were there.
• 12:58
  It's like we were sitting in the same car.
• 13:01
  In the car, but it's like they knew that they're there.
• 13:03
  You're not like abandoning.
• 13:04
  No, but it's it's the to real togetherness.
• 13:07
  Yeah, because on the way home, the six of us sat in a five seater, because it was kicking.
• 13:12
  I want your phone, I want this, I want a snack, I want a water, I want it.
• 13:15
  What is it like when I'm right next to you?
• 13:17
  Why do you fall apart?
• 13:19
  Why is that a thing?
• 13:20
  Everybody falls apart when we're together and I don't understand it.
• 13:23
  I always say when I come down from the day.
• 13:28
  I'm done with my work.
• 13:29
  I come downstairs and I feel like there's a reintegration of like me with the kids and they lose.
• 13:34
  They can smell you coming their damn mind.
• 13:37
  It's literally and I know it's coming and I feel, and I try to go in like going back to I'm thinking of like our Christine Lang episode where it's like.
• 13:46
  Do something for yourself before you take back over.
• 13:48
  That was her advice.
• 13:49
  Have a piece of dark chocolate.
• 13:51
  Get yourself a nice little tea.
• 13:53
  Get yourself something that's feels like a treat, prepare yourself for the takeover so that you're mentally good.
• 13:59
  And also kids feed off of your energy.
• 14:02
  So it's like I could go down cool as a cucumber.
• 14:05
  I go in, I'm reciting a mantra to myself.
• 14:08
  I'm like, this is going to be great.
• 14:10
  We're so excited to see each other at that.
• 14:12
  Everything will be peaceful and it's like peaceful for two and a half minutes, and then the shit show starts and it's literally so predictable that I have anxiety around it because it's like they just come at me.
• 14:26
  Everyone starts melting down.
• 14:27
  It's like they held it together all day.
• 14:29
  I hear that all the time.
• 14:30
  It's like the kids hold it together for everybody else and then when they see their mom, they just.
• 14:35
  Lose it.
• 14:36
  And I started thinking about that because that's how I am when my husband gets home, because then I take over for a little bit and then he comes in a few hours later and it's then I'm the one that starts losing it and they're losing it.
• 14:50
  When we're all together, everyone's losing it.
• 14:53
  Why do you think we're all conditioned to lose it?
• 14:56
  When you see somebody safe and mom is usually safe, Raj is safe for you.
• 15:01
  Yeah.
• 15:01
  Yeah.
• 15:01
  When I see my mom, I lose it.
• 15:02
  Yeah.
• 15:03
  And I'm almost 40 years old.
• 15:05
  Yep.
• 15:05
  Why are we con that?
• 15:06
  Is that just the family dynamic must that you are conditioned to just lose it when you have safe?
• 15:11
  No, it has to be a thing.
• 15:12
  It has to be a thing.
• 15:13
  When you look at it like that it feels better, because you're like you're a safe space for somebody.
• 15:20
  So they're losing it because they love you so much and they feel comfortable.
• 15:25
  To do that around you, but it doesn't make it easier, right?
• 15:30
  I could see my mom and I'm all of a sudden venting about everything in my entire life.
• 15:35
  So I get it.
• 15:36
  the middle generation is confusing.
• 15:38
  This is a confusing spot to be in, is that we're the middle generation.
• 15:40
  I think we're the middle generation.
• 15:42
  'cause middle generation.
• 15:43
  'cause we luckily have parents that are still alive.
• 15:45
  And they're and they're here and very present parts of our life.
• 15:49
  But yet we, and then we have kids.
• 15:50
  So we, yeah.
• 15:50
  We are.
• 15:50
  Yeah.
• 15:51
  I grew up and I was afraid of my parents.
• 15:53
  Yeah.
• 15:53
  I didn't wanna disappoint them.
• 15:55
  I was afraid of them.
• 15:56
  And I'm not even that type of person who wants to please, that's not my personality.
• 16:00
  That's definitely my husband's personality, but that's not my personality.
• 16:03
  But yet I was.
• 16:05
  I was always afraid of them, and I'm still afraid of them.
• 16:07
  I just told my mom when we were in Italy that I had a tattoo when I was in my twenties, and I never told her because I thought she would get mad at me.
• 16:16
  I that track.
• 16:19
  So it does track, but I also now have a 6-year-old that I'm afraid of.
• 16:25
  I'm afraid of her.
• 16:25
  So I am just like, I'm living in fear.
• 16:28
  I'm afraid I'm gonna cut her banana the wrong way.
• 16:31
  I'm afraid that I'm gonna give her scratchy clothes.
• 16:33
  I know.
• 16:34
  I am afraid of her attitude.
• 16:36
  Like I am just constantly living in, in fear.
• 16:39
  Yeah.
• 16:39
  I feel the same way.
• 16:40
  I really didn't realize, I always say this with the toddlers, but the, they run my life like I am afraid to make one.
• 16:51
  The wrong move.
• 16:52
  Like sometimes again, I brace for it.
• 16:54
  I take a beat before I do anything because I'm like, is this the right way?
• 17:00
  It goes back to the laughing about being prepared because sometimes you're like, you're trying to be prepared so that you don't ensue a meltdown.
• 17:08
  I need to regulate myself.
• 17:10
  You're taking a beat for your own self so that you're in a good place before.
• 17:14
  A transition before you go to do anything.
• 17:16
  But I'm bracing for it.
• 17:18
  Some of it's just I know no matter what I do, this is going to escalate somehow, and so I brace for it.
• 17:26
  So I feel the fear.
• 17:28
  I feel it.
• 17:28
  I live it every day.
• 17:30
  I open the banana the wrong way every single day.
• 17:33
  I give somebody the wrong color cup every single day.
• 17:36
  These things trigger meltdowns in my house that.
• 17:41
  Haunt me.
• 17:42
  You know what I mean?
• 17:43
  Like they're just, it's crazy.
• 17:46
  And I ask, my kids are older now, so if I ask'em like, what can I do better?
• 17:50
  They sometimes they can't even tell me Sometimes are you the kind of person that want, we had this talk the other day when we were on the train.
• 17:56
  I'm like, are.
• 17:57
  Are you giving?
• 17:58
  Like you're giving me the silent treatment.
• 18:00
  Do you want me to poke at you and try to give you attention, or do you want me to leave you alone?
• 18:04
  And we all had this conversation, so Nick stayed silent.
• 18:07
  And I'm like, how come you're not conversating?
• 18:10
  I'm like, wait, nevermind.
• 18:11
  I know what, I know who you are.
• 18:12
  You just wanna be left alone.
• 18:14
  Yep.
• 18:14
  Heard you loud and clear.
• 18:15
  Yep.
• 18:15
  What about you?
• 18:16
  Do you wanna be left alone or do you want attention?
• 18:19
  Is this attention seeking behavior?
• 18:20
  You never know.
• 18:21
  What's everybody feeling?
• 18:22
  You never know feeling here.
• 18:23
  You never know.
• 18:24
  Do you wanna be left alone?
• 18:25
  And Ava was like, mom, why do you make it worse?
• 18:28
  Why do you make it worse?
• 18:29
  I'm obviously not setting out to make it worse.
• 18:32
  Clearly I'm here trying to make it better.
• 18:34
  I know I don't, but it's always the wrong move.
• 18:36
  I don't make it first, but it's always the wrong move.
• 18:38
  It's always the wrong move.
• 18:40
  I've never heard from them.
• 18:41
  You handled that great.
• 18:43
  Like you nailed it.
• 18:45
  Nailed it.
• 18:45
  Mom.
• 18:45
  That's part of me.
• 18:46
  Mom.
• 18:46
  Never, Never heard that before.
• 18:48
  I know.
• 18:48
  No.
• 18:50
  Thank you for handling that.
• 18:51
  Just the way I needed you to, oh my God, I need an Atta girl or something.
• 18:55
  I know from one of them one of these days.
• 18:57
  Know, I know, but I don't know what I need.
• 18:59
  Do you know what you need though in, in all these moments?
• 19:01
  A lot of the times I just need a hug.
• 19:07
  I really do because I'm just always on the verge of a mental breakdown.
• 19:13
  Sometimes I just need someone to come over and just give me a hug.
• 19:16
  We use the phrase, and I started it because I would try to be what do you need?
• 19:21
  Like as somebody is having a straight up meltdown, what do you need?
• 19:25
  What do you need?
• 19:26
  And.
• 19:26
  It started to be like, do you need a big hug?
• 19:28
  And so the word, do you need a hug?
• 19:30
  Big hug is like a, is a phrase that gets thrown around in our house all the time and the kids ask for it some.
• 19:35
  And it became a thing where it's I just need a big hug.
• 19:38
  And it's is so cute.
• 19:38
  But I started that because I'm the one that needed a big hug or I'm, were the one that needed a big hug.
• 19:42
  So I'm the one that needed a big hug.
• 19:44
  And I do think that sometimes that does wonders, just a big hug.
• 19:49
  So do your kids respond well to a big hug then too?
• 19:51
  Yes.
• 19:51
  I can feel their heart rates like, stop.
• 19:53
  It's if somebody's worked up, it has to be the right moment because sometimes there is, like you're saying like sometimes you need to step away, need to isolate.
• 20:01
  Sometimes it's not the right moment, but sometimes when it comes.
• 20:05
  To ahead.
• 20:05
  It's like the tantrums happening or the fight between them is happening and then the dust settles just enough.
• 20:11
  Mm-hmm.
• 20:12
  And then it's I need a big hug, but it can't be like at the height, it can't be like at the red.
• 20:16
  It has to be like when you're coming back down a little bit and then that kind of smooths it over a little bit.
• 20:20
  And I guess that is how I am.
• 20:22
  Like sometimes if I'm all worked up, I just need somebody to just be like, stop and give me a hug.
• 20:29
  That's what I need.
• 20:30
  I guess we're trying to teach our kids how to emotionally regulate or self-regulate, but sometimes So sometimes they wanna do it on their own and sometimes they need you to help them do that.
• 20:39
  Yeah.
• 20:39
  To co They can't.
• 20:40
  Yeah.
• 20:40
  To co-regulate.
• 20:41
  They can totally self-regulate.
• 20:42
  Yeah.
• 20:42
  Co-regulate for sure.
• 20:43
  Yes.
• 20:43
  That's, I didn't even realize there was a word for that.
• 20:45
  Yeah.
• 20:45
  So sometimes I need co-regulation too.
• 20:47
  I know, but sometimes I need to literally take a second, like I'm like, I need to regulate'cause I can't regulate anybody.
• 20:54
  For me it's always, it always is taking a pause.
• 20:58
  The next could be obviously the big hug, which I love, but sometimes it's just removing myself and that does such wonders for me.
• 21:05
  Like when I'm all worked up or if I am, sometimes I feel like I am like gasoline.
• 21:11
  With fire with the kids.
• 21:12
  It's like we get each other all worked up.
• 21:15
  They can sense that I'm worked up and then it's just like a back and forth I'm worked up.
• 21:19
  You're worked up.
• 21:19
  And sometimes I, that's when I feel like my husband like tries to swoop in and he's just go.
• 21:25
  And I just need sometimes it's like 40 seconds to collect myself.
• 21:29
  It doesn't take a long time.
• 21:30
  It's not like I need an hour to decompress.
• 21:32
  It's like I just need a second alone with my thoughts to have a couple of deep breaths to come back to it.
• 21:39
  And then I feel like a new person, like I come in, but I have a really hard time regulating in chaos.
• 21:46
  I still have not figured that out.
• 21:49
  I have not mastered it.
• 21:49
  Haven't even come close.
• 21:51
  Yeah.
• 21:51
  It's so hard.
• 21:53
  Obviously same.
• 21:54
  It's a little easier because your kids start to learn how to, roll with things, regulate.
• 21:58
  But there's all, and then they also learn how to distract themselves.
• 22:02
  So I don't even know if we ever fully get over something, but maybe they're distracted or they have to get out the car and go to school.
• 22:07
  Yeah.
• 22:07
  Or then they have to go to another activity or then they have to do, so it's like constant distraction.
• 22:11
  And redirection.
• 22:12
  I don't necessarily know if they're learning from it.
• 22:15
  Yeah.
• 22:15
  They get to the bottom.
• 22:16
  Yep.
• 22:16
  But it is just pure chaos.
• 22:20
  I get it at all times.
• 22:21
  Insane.
• 22:21
  I'm sure all the pips agree.
• 22:23
  Yeah.
• 22:24
  Lately I've been waking up with everybody in my room on the floor.
• 22:27
  I don't know how you do that.
• 22:28
  Like I really don't.
• 22:29
  No, it's When you tell me this, I'm like, it's can't.
• 22:32
  They've been waking up actually the past two nights.
• 22:34
  I gave them those like calm chocolates from Whole Foods.
• 22:37
  And I didn't just give them to them and like peace out.
• 22:40
  I tried to start the nighttime routine and I started super early, which it's hard for me to start early'cause we don's get home from sports until almost nine o'clock.
• 22:49
  Joseph's ice time next week doesn't, he doesn't start until 8:30 PM Unreal.
• 22:53
  So anyway, I started with the twins.
• 22:55
  I started at seven 30.
• 22:57
  I'm like, okay, shower, brush teeth, books.
• 22:59
  Okay, we're getting back to basics.
• 23:01
  Yeah.
• 23:01
  I'm gonna be back to their bedtime routine and screaming, yelling, I don't wanna be alone.
• 23:07
  I'm afraid I want this, I want that.
• 23:09
  And then so the first night it was Mila.
• 23:11
  Ava was like, can you tell her to pipe down?
• 23:14
  She had a little magic wand and I kept seeing her wave it around and she goes, I'm trying to turn her to a frog.
• 23:20
  And so she's waving her wand and trying to turn her sister into a frog.
• 23:23
  'cause she was being too noisy.
• 23:25
  Last night it was Ava screaming and Mila was like reading her book so calmly.
• 23:30
  There's always somebody upset.
• 23:32
  That gives me such anxiety because I live for the like peace and quiet after the kids go to bed.
• 23:39
  And I have worked so hard.
• 23:41
  I think that I don't think I've ever worked so hard on establishing routines in my house because I am a creature of habit.
• 23:49
  I am like a routine person.
• 23:51
  I can't settle down like until I go through like a routine both in the morning and at night.
• 23:57
  That's how I operate.
• 23:59
  So I work so well.
• 24:00
  The routine is your process to settle down.
• 24:02
  It's and to wake up, it's the process to settle down and then the process to wake up.
• 24:05
  And I'm somebody that needs to go through those motions in order to set myself up for sleep.
• 24:09
  Yes.
• 24:09
  You hit the ground running.
• 24:11
  Yes.
• 24:11
  You be all.
• 24:11
  I can't.
• 24:11
  I'm a disaster.
• 24:12
  And if I go to bed, like without kind of unwinding in the way that I need to, I can't go to sleep.
• 24:18
  I can go to sleep really well if I go through the motions, I go through my routine.
• 24:23
  Then I'm good to go.
• 24:24
  But so I've worked so hard to have the kids be the same, and it's because I need that.
• 24:30
  I'm like, you need the routine so that I could have the routine because I'm not the best version of myself.
• 24:35
  So that's why it's hard to explain that to people who maybe don't have that same struggle.
• 24:40
  Because that's why I've been so crazy about the schedule and the naps, and it's because I need that time.
• 24:47
  And so it gives me such fear for the kids when they're not, I don't wanna call them trapped in their rooms, but they really are.
• 24:54
  They're like in there, there's cribs involved.
• 24:56
  It's like, how is this gonna happen when someone can just get outta bed and open the door and come dysregulate me?
• 25:05
  I'm like, how is this gonna happen?
• 25:07
  Yeah.
• 25:07
  So I have a fear of that because I'm like this, I live for that moment, not to get away from them, but it's more to just regulate myself so that I'm in a better space.
• 25:17
  The goal is that.
• 25:19
  When the oldest one starts doing it, he does it, but he also then puts his clothes in the hamper and puts on his own clothes.
• 25:27
  And so like it comes with independence, with the independence of not being trapped in a crib anymore.
• 25:32
  Comes from responsibility.
• 25:33
  Comes from the independence of, oh, I can.
• 25:35
  Get up and I can turn on the tv.
• 25:37
  Or I can go downstairs.
• 25:37
  And I like it.
• 25:38
  That kind of happens in tandem.
• 25:40
  In tandem with one another.
• 25:41
  Yeah, that makes sense.
• 25:42
  But what's happening to me right now is that my kids have lost all nighttime structure.
• 25:47
  Oh.
• 25:48
  'cause I'm so tired that I'm not doing the.
• 25:50
  Okay, let's do,'cause they've been doing things on their own and I've been doing my stuff on my own.
• 25:56
  And then they're like, wait, but you're not doing cuddles.
• 25:59
  You're not like, you're not kind the leader.
• 26:00
  You're not leading me through this.
• 26:02
  So now we don't wanna sleep in our room.
• 26:03
  So now everybody's just been sleeping on my floor.
• 26:06
  Like it's just been some, it's that we don't talk about that enough to that like role of I don't even know what you call that, but like that role, I feel like I'm a, like a herding dog sometimes.
• 26:17
  Like I feel like that's what I do.
• 26:19
  And especially like around crowd control.
• 26:21
  Crowd control.
• 26:22
  I feel like that's what I do.
• 26:23
  Especially like in the evening where I'm just like keeping an eye on the clock.
• 26:27
  I'm the one that's okay, it's almost time for bath.
• 26:30
  So what does that mean?
• 26:31
  It's you know what everybody needs to do, like how long it takes to get everybody from one place to the next place.
• 26:37
  Like that transition.
• 26:38
  And I feel like all I am doing is herding everybody around okay, we need snacks.
• 26:42
  Last chance for this.
• 26:44
  Okay, now this is gonna happen this.
• 26:45
  And it's like those step that by step, and I'm not only thinking it, I have to announce it to the family.
• 26:52
  And also facilitate.
• 26:53
  And facilitate it.
• 26:54
  Yep.
• 26:55
  And my kids are older and if we finish up with dinner, okay, let's clear the table.
• 26:59
  Okay.
• 27:00
  The older two disappear.
• 27:01
  If our family is lucky enough to eat a meal together, the older two will D will disappear.
• 27:06
  Yeah.
• 27:06
  Like I won't see them again.
• 27:07
  And I'll have to do the dishes or whatever.
• 27:10
  And then if I send the other two up to start getting ready for bed, typically nothing gets done unless I'm upstairs.
• 27:16
  So I have to decide, okay, do I wanna do dishes and clean up in the kitchen?
• 27:19
  Or do I wanna get right because then it's gonna prolonged upstairs.
• 27:20
  Or do I wanna get bedtime started and get everybody quiet and then come back down and clean?
• 27:25
  But in my mind I was like, oh, I have kids that are 12, 10, and six.
• 27:30
  I should be able to send them all up while I finish the dishes.
• 27:33
  No, it doesn't seem like that.
• 27:34
  A thing and unless I'm upstairs.
• 27:37
  Yeah.
• 27:37
  Like facilitating that and reminding like, did everybody brush, did everybody this like it does not get done.
• 27:45
  And sometimes I pick and choose my battles, right?
• 27:47
  Yeah.
• 27:47
  And I pick, okay, I'd rather like prep for the night the next day and clean up the kitchen and tidy it up and not oversee the brushing of the teeth.
• 27:55
  But it has been catching up to me, which has led everybody to just sleeping in the floor in my room.
• 28:00
  Yep.
• 28:00
  At 10 30 when we get home from our sporting events.
• 28:03
  Because sometimes it's so tiring having to be the one that's like in charge of all of that.
• 28:07
  So I get it, but.
• 28:09
  In order for you to have some peace, you need to get back.
• 28:12
  It's you need, I needed to get every, get back.
• 28:13
  Everybody.
• 28:13
  I needed to get everybody out of the room.
• 28:15
  Yeah.
• 28:15
  Because everybody was in there.
• 28:16
  'cause we would all get home from hockey or late whatever, late.
• 28:19
  Everybody would shower in my room and then everybody would pass out in the floor in my room.
• 28:24
  I'm like, what kind of life is this?
• 28:26
  This is so weird.
• 28:28
  I'm sure people can relate.
• 28:29
  'cause I have, I've heard that.
• 28:30
  And Nick isn't always home at nighttime.
• 28:32
  Yep.
• 28:32
  So and then he would get home even later from work and he would just be like stepping over kids.
• 28:36
  And he is oh, so it's another one of these nights.
• 28:39
  I'm like, at least they're not in our bed.
• 28:40
  I know.
• 28:41
  They're just on the floor.
• 28:42
  I know, but I know.
• 28:44
  But it's gotta be hard.
• 28:45
  You have to, I think for your sanity.
• 28:47
  And I'm glad that you took action'cause you were complaining about this and I was like, oh.
• 28:51
  I'm like I could.
• 28:53
  I'm saying I could never, but I feel like it's coming.
• 28:55
  Like it's and I feel like sometimes it's so easy.
• 28:58
  I don't wanna say to give in, but it's it is giving in though.
• 29:01
  Giving in.
• 29:01
  It's giving in.
• 29:02
  It's because you're just like, you're letting go of the reins because you're just like, I don't wanna do this.
• 29:07
  It's just, it's like you have to be a little bit submissive sometimes when you're not, because otherwise it's so tiring and you need so much like mental and physical energy to be the one in charge all the time.
• 29:18
  And sometimes it's just a season where you have to let go, but then you got back on it, right?
• 29:22
  And you're like, Nope, nope.
• 29:24
  We gotta get back in the routine.
• 29:25
  It's good for everybody.
• 29:27
  Last night I made dinner and I was joking.
• 29:29
  I posted on Instagram and I was like, this is this delicious dinner.
• 29:31
  I love dinner.
• 29:32
  That to me, I'm making that nobody's eating eat that nobody will eat.
• 29:35
  It's, but the funny part is that Camilla, when she got home from tennis, she's like, why am I eating eggs?
• 29:39
  I'm like.
• 29:40
  Because you hate when I make chicken and broccoli.
• 29:42
  She's how come you didn't give me any?
• 29:44
  I'm like, is this a joke?
• 29:45
  She ended up eating the plate of chicken and broccoli.
• 29:47
  It's literally, I'm like, what?
• 29:49
  I don't understand that.
• 29:50
  It's just because didn't give it to you.
• 29:51
  I was withholding your dinner.
• 29:53
  Now you want it unreal.
• 29:54
  It's like the psych.
• 29:55
  We need to get somebody on here that understands mind games, child mind games, because there is something psychological about not offering and then they want it.
• 30:06
  And if you offer it, they don't want it.
• 30:09
  So we need to dissect that a little bit more with, and that's somebody where we need an expert because that shit really gets me.
• 30:17
  My family, like I said, becomes more dysregulated when me and Nick are both on.
• 30:22
  When you're together trying to do this Yes.
• 30:24
  Together, yes.
• 30:25
  Do you feel like that's the same for you guys?
• 30:27
  A hundred percent for you guys, and I don't know if it's because the kids play off of you.
• 30:31
  Or what it is.
• 30:32
  But it's almost like if one parent cannot stay sane or quiet like you, that you need to just step away.
• 30:40
  You need to go.
• 30:41
  That's me.
• 30:41
  Parent needs to go.
• 30:42
  I always, I should usually excuse myself a lot.
• 30:49
  For real.
• 30:49
  Sometimes I'll say to Nick don't come home right now.
• 30:52
  And I know that sounds so mean, but don't come home right now because it's already chaotic.
• 30:56
  You're gonna walk in the door in a bad mood and then they're gonna be trying to make you laugh because you had a bad day.
• 31:01
  They feed on it and then make you laugh.
• 31:02
  Turns into make you cry.
• 31:04
  Yep.
• 31:04
  It's just, don't even come home.
• 31:06
  I know.
• 31:07
  So the advice was one parent needs to remain calm and sane.
• 31:12
  Okay.
• 31:12
  I think one parent needs to remain absent.
• 31:14
  I know usually it's Raja who's more calm and sane.
• 31:18
  Although he he has lost it at times because it is, it just gets so crazy.
• 31:22
  Does he have a better filter for noise?
• 31:25
  For sure.
• 31:25
  He Okay.
• 31:26
  Yeah.
• 31:26
  Like the, like I'm just trying to, the chaos doesnt, what makes somebody have be better with the chaos?
• 31:30
  He grew up in a larger family, so I don't think that the noise bothers him as much as it triggers me.
• 31:36
  So I think that's number one.
• 31:38
  And he's just also like much more of a patient person.
• 31:41
  Like he has much more patience and much more tolerance for things.
• 31:45
  I'm sure just like with anybody when it's like when you get to that threshold it's okay.
• 31:49
  It's not like he has unlimited patience.
• 31:52
  It's not he's also a human being.
• 31:53
  Yeah.
• 31:53
  But it's, but he just, it doesn't seem to get at him as much as it gets to me.
• 31:59
  Okay alright, so we've talked this through, right?
• 32:03
  Like we're all just living in the chaos.
• 32:04
  Is there, we always need a takeaway.
• 32:07
  What are we doing to help us through this?
• 32:10
  Something that's comforting is that.
• 32:13
  I just think it's the family dynamic.
• 32:15
  If you really look at the family dynamic, it's not abnormal to feel like this.
• 32:19
  Your nervous system holds it together.
• 32:22
  And then when you have the comfort of your mom, of your dad, of your home, you fall apart.
• 32:27
  So knowing that is comforting.
• 32:29
  It is.
• 32:29
  Like it's not necessarily a bad thing.
• 32:31
  It just doesn't make it easier to have to digest that and live that.
• 32:35
  Sometimes knowing it, yeah.
• 32:37
  At least makes it more tolerable.
• 32:39
  Yes.
• 32:39
  This isn't just me.
• 32:40
  'cause sometimes I'm like, this is just what is wrong with our family?
• 32:43
  How come every other family can do this?
• 32:45
  How come all the other kids can hold it together?
• 32:48
  But I'm not seeing them in their house.
• 32:50
  Or if I'm in their house watching them, I'm a stranger.
• 32:53
  Probably still on guard for you.
• 32:55
  Guard.
• 32:55
  Correct.
• 32:56
  We had friends over the other night.
• 32:57
  Our friends had a baby.
• 32:59
  About six months ago.
• 33:01
  And it was the first time that she came over to that.
• 33:05
  They came over with the baby to our house.
• 33:07
  And so you're playing the coaching role for her now?
• 33:09
  Yes.
• 33:09
  Because she's the new mommy for sure.
• 33:11
  I'm trying to, and you play, I'm trying to play the u and we have the older kids and I, we were so tired, obviously, like the weekends just really get to us.
• 33:21
  It's like the weekends used to be nice and relaxing and a way to recharge.
• 33:24
  And now I feel like we come off of our weekends even more depleted and so Yeah.
• 33:28
  You can't wait for Monday.
• 33:29
  Yeah.
• 33:29
  I want my routine back, and that's how it feels.
• 33:31
  Like the weekends are just like summer vacation for us, but so I was like the one pushing okay, I think we should have I want everybody to come here, almost a selfish reason because I know if we're just home with the kids, it's going to be chaos, right?
• 33:47
  And so we have them come in.
• 33:50
  There's an now a baby, there's two more people that they know, but it was like, first of all, time flew.
• 33:58
  It flew like blinked and a couple of hours had gone by and my kids were just on their best behavior.
• 34:05
  And I said if this was a regular Sunday evening, we would've been like pulling our hair out, but because we had people over and it changed it up a little bit and it was like exciting for them.
• 34:17
  It somehow made it more tolerable.
• 34:19
  And it also got me thinking though.
• 34:21
  I was like, this is why people lived in a village.
• 34:24
  Yes.
• 34:25
  And this is why this worked.
• 34:27
  Like as far back as time goes, it's because there's something about the dynamic, right?
• 34:33
  Like the dynamic shifting a little bit where there's like other people and you're close by your kids, but there's other people involved and so there's just something in there that kind of separates it for some reason.
• 34:44
  And don't you also think this is why the kids are better at school?
• 34:46
  'cause they're amongst their other peers?
• 34:47
  Yes.
• 34:48
  They're being distracted.
• 34:49
  They're not just looking to you and losing it.
• 34:51
  They might be able to mitigate some things on their own, but is it suppressing it?
• 34:57
  So that's what I was like, I,'cause I was like, if this is how it is, I want someone else in our house at all times.
• 35:02
  But then they would get familiar with that too.
• 35:04
  True.
• 35:04
  That's true.
• 35:05
  I think that, okay.
• 35:05
  It's the change.
• 35:06
  I think that the change coming, you're right over sometimes will distract the boys enough that they won't fight when they play.
• 35:13
  You're right.
• 35:14
  And if, and but if I'm not teaching, if there's no fighting, they're not learning.
• 35:18
  Like my boys, when the two of them play together and one is about to beat the other one I have to almost say, okay, you're about to lose, which means you're about to get smacked upside the head by the loser.
• 35:30
  Because we have anger issues.
• 35:32
  So I have to like like coach it.
• 35:34
  Coach them.
• 35:34
  Yeah.
• 35:34
  They're easier to coach.
• 35:35
  They're easier to coach when they're in a good mood.
• 35:38
  So sometimes if they have a friend over, it's just distracting.
• 35:41
  They're more, but they're not learning from anything.
• 35:42
  But at least it makes it more tolerable to be around.
• 35:45
  But I do agree with what you're saying that then I guess if it was all the time, it becomes a regular thing and then they would just lose it in front of those people as it well in front of those things.
• 35:53
  So you're right, it's just the change.
• 35:55
  But like how refreshing, and I have to remind myself of that sometimes, because sometimes I get so bogged down with the every day that, that it seems like an effort to make a change.
• 36:06
  You're just like, I'm too tired.
• 36:07
  I don't wanna think about anything.
• 36:08
  I, but remember this moment.
• 36:09
  But then I remember this moment and I said, wow and I think it was also helpful for our friends to see, it's sure it was, this is truth, right?
• 36:16
  Like everybody's living this.
• 36:18
  It's like it's easier to do it.
• 36:20
  So there's a village there.
• 36:21
  Sometimes half if you have.
• 36:22
  Friends that have kids get together with them.
• 36:24
  I know.
• 36:24
  'cause sometimes even when we come here and don't have it be, it doesn't have to be the same ages because for some reason the dynamic with even our kids works and our kids are years apart.
• 36:35
  And there's something about it that I feel like it just works.
• 36:38
  Our kids wanna show off and be on their best behavior.
• 36:41
  And then when they were with around a little baby, they wanted to show off and the big kids can mother a little bit.
• 36:46
  Sure.
• 36:46
  Yep.
• 36:46
  Yep.
• 36:46
  I think that it's, I think that it's a great dynamic.
• 36:49
  I do too.
• 36:49
  So my son Vincent, who's the middle Yep.
• 36:52
  When he's around Joseph and his friends, he's always bad because he's like the younger brother and he's trying to be cool and show off and get attention and be heard.
• 37:00
  But when he's the oldest, he loves it.
• 37:03
  Thrive.
• 37:03
  He loves it.
• 37:04
  And he's so good with our kids and he's so good.
• 37:06
  Yep.
• 37:06
  So sometimes you also have to play around with the dynamics of the people in which you are around, like where they thrive.
• 37:12
  You have to change the dynamic because.
• 37:14
  And I just think you have to be confident with your own family dynamic.
• 37:18
  Like sometimes I struggle with the how I feel about my family dynamics.
• 37:22
  This is so stressful.
• 37:23
  Do we even like each other?
• 37:24
  Is this how it's gonna be forever?
• 37:25
  Are my kids gonna be friends when they're older?
• 37:27
  Are they gonna hate each other?
• 37:28
  Are they gonna be close?
• 37:29
  I start to fill my mind with worry and fear and nonsense, but really I just think it's.
• 37:34
  The comfort of this house and each other.
• 37:36
  I guess it's a good thing that we just don't know how to hold it together.
• 37:40
  Like you said, it's because there's just so much love and comfort there that everybody feels like they can really, truly, or is there hate or is there hate violence?
• 37:48
  It's probably a mi, it's probably a mix, but but like we were saying, like we lose it in front of the people that we're comfortable with.
• 37:54
  You hold it together a lot for people that you're not comfortable with.
• 37:58
  And so I guess if you think about it like that, they're just their most comfortable selves around their family.
• 38:04
  So that could be good or bad, but I feel like that's how you have to take it.
• 38:08
  So it's, I think when I'm trying to manage my expectations from my kids, like I expect them to be kind to others, to be like a good addition to society.
• 38:18
  I don't want them to bring society down.
• 38:20
  I want them to bring society up.
• 38:21
  Do I hold that same expectation in this house?
• 38:25
  Do I want them to be kind in the house?
• 38:27
  Do I want them do I wanna give them a break?
• 38:30
  'cause everybody needs a break.
• 38:31
  So do there have to be like rooms in this house where it's not allowed, right?
• 38:35
  Like you can't be in the kitchen, in the center of this house and act this way.
• 38:38
  You can act like this in I like that.
• 38:41
  The basement.
• 38:41
  Can I, at least I make that rule.
• 38:43
  You can't lose your shit in the kitchen.
• 38:44
  You can lose it somewhere else.
• 38:46
  But not in the kitchen.
• 38:46
  Not in like the living areas where everybody is I don't know, in a communal space.
• 38:51
  Yeah.
• 38:51
  Yeah.
• 38:51
  Maybe I can make that roll up.
• 38:53
  I don't know.
• 38:54
  Maybe I'm gonna instill that today.
• 38:55
  I'm gonna put up a sign.
• 38:56
  Try it out.
• 38:57
  Let us know on your best behavior.
• 38:59
  I know you need like a sign at the island.
• 39:00
  It's like the sign of the reminder.
• 39:02
  Wash your hands.
• 39:03
  Like you're like this is not a place for you to lose your shit.
• 39:06
  This is a communal area.
• 39:07
  Next to the wash your hands and unpack your backpack sign.
• 39:11
  Love it.
• 39:12
  So I think we unpacked that one enough for now.
• 39:15
  And now we have to do pickups, so we gotta go.
• 39:19
  But on that note, we've got A-G-T-F-O.
• 39:21
  All right.
• 39:22
  So what is your pink spotlight for this week?
• 39:26
  So my pink spotlight, I saw this on Instagram, so I cannot take credit for it, but it's, and I haven't done like a little tip.
• 39:33
  I feel like I've done a lot of products lately, but, so mine is called Coffee With Me, and it's a future self calendar invite.
• 39:43
  And so this is what you're gonna do.
• 39:44
  It's like manifesting, but you're doing it for the month.
• 39:48
  How I did this was at the start of November, I scheduled a calendar invite for December 1st, and I titled it Coffee With Me.
• 39:57
  And then inside the invite, like where you can have a description, I wrote a note as.
• 40:04
  If the future me was talking to the present me, back in time.
• 40:09
  So like celebrating the month that I was about to live, if that makes sense.
• 40:14
  So I was talking as though like the goals were already hit, the trip was already taken, this thing was already done, this had already happened.
• 40:23
  So a little bit of manifestation.
• 40:25
  It's a little bit of manifestation.
• 40:27
  And then after the month goes by, so it's like December 1st and you like click on it, it like is an invite.
• 40:32
  It says coffee with me.
• 40:33
  And you read back what you wrote the month before.
• 40:36
  And I liked that it was a month because I feel like it's just like a very attainable thing.
• 40:40
  You know what's about to happen?
• 40:41
  It doesn't feel so like futuristic where you're like, oh, in five years or something.
• 40:46
  It's just what do you want to happen this month?
• 40:48
  Are you gonna do a new one?
• 40:50
  Yeah.
• 40:51
  Before you do the invite or after.
• 40:53
  Good point.
• 40:54
  So I ended up like reading it back.
• 40:57
  Okay.
• 40:57
  And then I wrote another one for the next one.
• 40:58
  Okay.
• 40:58
  So after, yes.
• 40:59
  Okay.
• 41:00
  So that, so here's what, so it's like very simple to do and you can really take this however you want it.
• 41:06
  But, so you'll open your calendar app, you'll pick a date 30 days from now.
• 41:10
  You don't have to start on the first.
• 41:11
  I just happened to I like the first.
• 41:13
  I do too, because I feel like fresh, it's yeah, it feels fresh, but you can, for the sake of this, you can do it from right now, 30 days from right now.
• 41:19
  And that might even make it more fun.
• 41:21
  And then you'll create a calendar invite called Coffee with Me.
• 41:25
  And then in the notes of that like date you'll write what happened in the month in past tense, so as if it already happened.
• 41:36
  And so you can keep it like warm and keep it like happy, obviously if you wanna manifest something.
• 41:41
  But keep it very detailed I ended up talking into my phone, like into my phone app, just so that it wasn't.
• 41:49
  I didn't have to write it all out and like I knew I, when I read it back, like I knew what I meant.
• 41:54
  And then in the day, you can also say it into chat g pt.
• 41:56
  Yes.
• 41:56
  You can also say it, GPT organize it for you.
• 41:59
  Exactly.
• 41:59
  Like you can say oh, summarize this for me.
• 42:01
  Yeah.
• 42:01
  I'm manifesting something.
• 42:02
  And I just loved it.
• 42:04
  So when the day arrives, like you read it like with your coffee, like you like sit down, have your coffee or your matcha and read it back to yourself.
• 42:11
  And honestly I, so I've done it twice and some things were like, didn't come true if you wanna say it like that.
• 42:19
  But some things I was just like, wow.
• 42:21
  It was cute to like read it back.
• 42:23
  And then I also then knew what to do for the next month.
• 42:25
  You know what I mean?
• 42:26
  Because, so this is a little ritualistic now.
• 42:27
  Yeah.
• 42:28
  And it's like once a month.
• 42:29
  So again, it's a very attainable thing.
• 42:31
  It goes along with the gratitude journal thing, but that's that I do daily and that obviously takes like a little bit less time each day.
• 42:38
  This kind of required me to think ahead.
• 42:40
  I literally opened up my calendar was like, what are we supposed to do for the month?
• 42:43
  I knew what events we had coming up and I talked to myself as though it already happened.
• 42:48
  I love it.
• 42:48
  We had a great night.
• 42:49
  Like we did this, like we, we had date nights, we did this all I, put up our Christmas tree.
• 42:55
  I did.
• 42:55
  There were literally just things that felt like it would happen that month.
• 42:59
  And it was just fun.
• 43:00
  Good.
• 43:01
  I love that.
• 43:01
  And what?
• 43:02
  Good advice.
• 43:02
  I'm gonna try that.
• 43:03
  Yeah.
• 43:03
  Yeah, you should.
• 43:04
  So try it next month and let me know how it goes.
• 43:06
  Okay, cool.
• 43:07
  Good.
• 43:08
  I love it all about, I have a product.
• 43:10
  Okay.
• 43:10
  I have a cheap and expensive product from Amazon Love.
• 43:13
  So holiday season you're wearing dresses, skirts, whatever.
• 43:16
  My sister-in-law I, everything is freaking from Gina.
• 43:19
  She gives me the scoop on everything.
• 43:21
  Yep.
• 43:21
  She really does.
• 43:21
  She know everything.
• 43:22
  You know how when you buy pantyhose or tights, usually they're like a onetime wear.
• 43:26
  Yeah.
• 43:26
  Or if you get like the commando ones or something.
• 43:28
  They're expensive.
• 43:28
  Yes.
• 43:29
  They're hundreds of dollars.
• 43:29
  Yes.
• 43:30
  So I've been always, I always bought my pantyhose at CVS.
• 43:33
  Like the ones in the box that Oh yeah.
• 43:34
  Sometimes have a third leg.
• 43:36
  They're like two or$3.
• 43:37
  Yep.
• 43:37
  Gina had sent me the link for these, this pair on Amazon.
• 43:41
  The brand is aso.
• 43:42
  Okay.
• 43:43
  And they have really pretty shades of brown.
• 43:46
  I love brown tights and I'm loving a brown tight.
• 43:48
  I love it.
• 43:49
  It reminds me of like my mom in the eighties.
• 43:51
  Yes.
• 43:51
  When she would match her like brown tights to her brown shoes.
• 43:54
  Or like the red tights.
• 43:55
  To the red shoes Love or the navy tights.
• 43:57
  I love that.
• 43:57
  The navy shoes.
• 43:58
  Classic.
• 43:58
  That look is in classic.
• 43:59
  Very, I love it.
• 44:00
  And these tights are awesome.
• 44:01
  So I wore the brown once to the city this past weekend, and they looked real.
• 44:05
  So I wore brown tights with a brown dress.
• 44:08
  I saw that.
• 44:08
  I loved that look.
• 44:09
  And like a fur vest.
• 44:10
  And Gina wore her brown tights with actually like a Christmas plaid shirt from J Crew.
• 44:16
  Because she was matching Camilla.
• 44:17
  I love brown tight.
• 44:18
  Like I love brown.
• 44:19
  I feel and the brown tights are, it looks so chic are awesome.
• 44:22
  Yes.
• 44:22
  And they were very inexpensive.
• 44:23
  Yes.
• 44:23
  So I already washed them in the sink and I packed them for thanksgiving.
• 44:28
  'cause that's what I'm gonna wear for when we go to my PPAs.
• 44:30
  I love that.
• 44:31
  I feel, and I also feel like Brown is very flattering and it's not as like of much of a contrast as black and I love brown shear types.
• 44:38
  So I feel like if they're a little bit sheer, you're not talking about you're not talking about the thick, opaque, like they still show a little skin.
• 44:44
  They're in between an opaque and a completely sheerer.
• 44:48
  Yeah.
• 44:48
  They're perfect.
• 44:48
  Yep.
• 44:49
  But this.
• 44:50
  Brand has the gamut.
• 44:52
  Like they have the opaque, okay, they have them all.
• 44:53
  They have the shear.
• 44:54
  This one's like right in the middle that I think it's called Mocha.
• 44:57
  Okay.
• 44:58
  Ooh.
• 44:58
  But I don't know.
• 44:58
  It's perfect.
• 44:59
  Love them.
• 44:59
  I love that.
• 44:59
  I'm gonna order them.
• 45:00
  They were great and they were$14 or$15, like very affordable.
• 45:04
  I love that.
• 45:05
  So good.
• 45:05
  I love that too.
• 45:06
  And I love that tights are in.
• 45:07
  And if you're like a New England girl, I love tights.
• 45:09
  You live somewhere where like it's warm.
• 45:11
  Like I know that like sometimes I feel like those are very like hit or miss.
• 45:14
  Like some people are like, not tights girls.
• 45:16
  But like you have to like, you just like in order for us to wear anything else except for pants, like that's what you have to do.
• 45:23
  And so I just love that it's like in and chic.
• 45:25
  And I really love the look of the matching.
• 45:28
  So if you're wearing black, but like I've even seen people that if you're wearing black, you can still wear brown tight.
• 45:34
  Yeah, because it it's less, it's just a different, it looks pretty together.
• 45:37
  Look like try it out.
• 45:38
  Yeah, it try it out.
• 45:39
  So I didn't get them yet, but I have them in my car on Amazon.
• 45:43
  They look like the YSL shoe.
• 45:44
  That has the gold toe.
• 45:46
  Yes.
• 45:46
  I love that.
• 45:46
  And I was thinking like, oh, the black shoe with the gold toe and the brown tight.
• 45:50
  Yep.
• 45:50
  Could look pretty together.
• 45:51
  Oh, so good.
• 45:52
  But have you seen the, look where I have the tights, they're black, but they don't cover the foot.
• 45:57
  They come to your ankle.
• 45:58
  So it's almost like a legging.
• 45:59
  Yeah, like a legging, but it's a tight and then you wear like a ballet slipper or a flat.
• 46:04
  I like that look too.
• 46:04
  I think that look is cute too.
• 46:06
  But this brand makes Love it.
• 46:07
  All of those.
• 46:08
  Okay.
• 46:08
  Okay, cool.
• 46:09
  I like them.
• 46:09
  I don't know.
• 46:09
  Amazon Tan.
• 46:10
  And you can have'em tomorrow morning between four and 8:00 AM tip.
• 46:13
  I feel like that's really good for the holiday season.
• 46:14
  Yeah.
• 46:15
  So I love that so much.
• 46:16
  So cool.
• 46:16
  Yeah.
• 46:16
  So if your legs aren't tan, amazing.
• 46:18
  Throw some tights on'em.
• 46:19
  Amazing.
• 46:21
  So Pippa's, this is gonna be our last.
• 46:24
  Full episode before Thanksgiving.
• 46:26
  Because we have our episodes come out on Thursdays.
• 46:28
  Yep.
• 46:28
  And so next Thursday is Thanksgiving.
• 46:30
  You're gonna be with your fam?
• 46:31
  We're gonna be with ours.
• 46:32
  And tea's actually traveling.
• 46:33
  Mel down.
• 46:33
  I know we're all gonna be hang in by a thread, most likely.
• 46:36
  But this is our last full episode.
• 46:39
  We are gonna put out a little something for next week, but it's just not gonna be a full length episode.
• 46:45
  So we will end up seeing you girls back after the holiday.
• 46:48
  Yes.
• 46:48
  And we have a fun December planned for you.
• 46:51
  And we sure do.
• 46:53
  We're gonna be here.
• 46:53
  We're not going anywhere.
• 46:54
  Yes.
• 46:54
  We're not taking, we're not taking the holidays off.
• 46:57
  We wanna be here with you.
• 46:58
  Yes.
• 46:58
  So we look forward to chatting with you next time.
• 47:02
  Have a good week.
• 47:03
  Bye bye.