Latest / Giving Pain Purpose with Lyndsay Soprano / Letting Go of The Past With Mindfulness

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Letting Go of The Past With Mindfulness · Giving Pain Purpose with Lyndsay Soprano

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This is Your Pain Game podcast where we talk about the game of living in
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and with chronic pain and trauma, getting to the heart of how to heal.
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I am your host, Lindsay Soprano. On the show, I plan
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on discussing with doctors, chronic pain patients, ballistic practitioners, loved ones,
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and anybody that is interested in having their voice heard in the chronic pain and
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trauma world that we live in. So Ever, since I was a little
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girl of nine years old, I would say I was an insomniac riddled with
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a debilitating anxiety. And those who have listened to the show know that that
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is the case. That I am a massive anxiety ball all of the time,
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and starting at such a young age, dealing with anxiety, not really
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understanding exactly why I had anxiety at such a young age. I know now,
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I didn't at the time, but I created all of these like cute
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little coping mechanisms to maintain my sanity all night long while I was not sleeping.
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And some might say that the word sanity and Lindsay in one sentence probably
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should not be combined because I'm a little insane, and you're probably right.
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I don't want to be sane. I like being a little crazy, because
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how boring to not be a little insane, right, But anyway, so
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I started developing these coping mechanisms that I created that turned into this intense amount
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of OCD, and it's something that I struggle with on a daily as does
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my loved one. My Sweetie's like my God, and he witnesses this insanity
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from time to time. And I'm not saying OCD equals insane. I am
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speaking of me only. And my tendency has really got into As a kid,
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when I was trying to keep myself occupied all night long was organization and
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color code and label spacing out and know all that awesome stuff. My parents
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would come in in the middle of the night and I would be like dragging
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my bed from one side of the room to another. I'd be pulling my
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desk apart. I would be completely organizing my closet again because I just didn't
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have anything to do. What I have found through doing this show, and
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after almost forty five years of me being who I am that I've had to
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look back at the reasons why I put in these coping mechanisms, the reasons
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why I am still that person. The reason why if everything isn't just so,
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I can't keep going on with my day until something is fixed, and
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it's really obnoxious and annoying and time consuming to the point that's like I wake
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up in the morning and until X, Y, and Z is done and
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straight and perfect, I cannot focus on my job. I cannot focus on
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my show. I cannot do these things because in and of itself, that
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cleanliness and that OCD and that organization part of me, which was a coping
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mechanism, has now continued to follow me into adulthood. And now I'm still
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stuck in that space and I'm trying to figure out the reasons why. And
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like I said, through doing the show, the number one reason is trauma,
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at least for me. And so now while doing the show, I'm
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finding out more about myself. I'm finding out more about myself from my guests,
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teaching me some of the errors of my ways, teaching me things that
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I did not really know before. And these are things that we need to
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work on as adults, as we look back at things that have happened to
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us and why we do the things that we do. And I've put into
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place a couple of little things, and one of them is like, on
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Sunday mornings, I won't make our bed anymore. And it is fucking torture.
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I hate it. I walk by the bed all day I'll go and
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I am like losing my freaking mind because it is not made. And yes,
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we circle back to the Sammy. Please. I'm a little bit crazy
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when it comes to it, but I'm not alone in it. So without
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further ado, I am going to bring on my guests today. Her name
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is Tanya Cardi. Hi, Henny, thank you for having me. Oh
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my gosh, I'm so excited to talk to you today. Tanya is a
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life alignment coach and professional organizer who started her business in twenty fourteen. She's
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worked over the years to help people like myself understand the why behind their life
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clutter or people like myself the declutterers, and organizing for good and healing from
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past trauma. So thanks for being here with me today, girl. I'm
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excited. I was hearing you talk and I'm like, yep, yep,
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that's what I do. That's what I do, yep, yep, me
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me me me, Well, I'm rolling out the red carpet for you.
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And I'd like to start with why you ended up leaving your elementary teaching position
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because she was an elementary school teacher, and why you moved into being a
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life alignment coach and professional organizer. Then let's take it from there. Yes,
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many different reasons. One, the work environment was just too much,
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too intense all the time, and you couldn't teach anymore. So after twelve
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years, I had tried everything. I tried different positions, and I was
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just like undone undone, So it was it was hard because I loved working
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with kids, but I didn't feel like I could do what I was meant
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to do, and that was really helping people connect to their passion, helping
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people connect to their purpose. And I was always motivating kids and so that
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plus just a life you said nine years old. They started laughing. I'm
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like, yep. That's when I started realizing how crazy things were at home
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and I was like, this doesn't make sense. And I was literally reorganizing
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things in my bedroom. I would get rid of stuff, reorganize. I
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was the one who had the clean bedroom. Sister was the one who had
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a disaster. And then I was hoping people and then someone you know,
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who knew me at the time, I was like, why don't you just
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do this as a business and forget teaching, And I was like, yeah,
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you know what I've done, And so I started with more of a
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professional organizer lens. But I would say because my background was in psychology and
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education, I would go into people's homes ready to help them change, and
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they were like, no, I just want you to put things in boxes.
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So it took a while to shift everything to get people to understand No,
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I'm coming in your house to help you understand why, and organizing is
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just one small fraction of what I'm here for. Yeah, And I find
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that very interesting because I would love for you to come into my living space
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and be like, Okay, she's said she's OCD because I'm like looking around
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my studio and I'm like, everything feels want to do and here, but
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I know that there is a reason for why it's where it is. It
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might not. It's like my beautiful disaster, you know, and it's really
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hard to take that out of me. And it comes to a point where
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like I'll have friends that will stay here and watch the house and the dogs
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while we're traveling or what have you and the entire time, I'm like chucking
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my webcam, like I need to make sure like things are in order.
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I'm like, lindsay, this is freaking ridiculous. Don't buy on your dog
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and house that are but literally all they want. All I'm looking at is
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like did they put the dog bawls in the right place in front of the
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microwave two feet across from each other? Like that's all I'm looking for.
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It's just nuts and it makes you feel a little crazy. So when you
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go into these people's homes and you assess their their clutter, their horde,
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if you will in some cases, what is your process like for people?
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Because I know everyone's a little bit different, but can you give us like
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an example of what you do? And I'd love to hear a story of
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like one of your craziest experiences in somebody's home too, So pull that one
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out of your hat so I know. And I didn't trap before it,
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which is by because that's how I love doing the show. Anyway, I
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would say, first things, side note, everybody's a hoarder because everyone holds
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onto things for the wrong reason. And I don't usually say right or wrong.
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I take that out of my vocabulary. But they're holding onto it for
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reasons that don't make sense anymore. Let's put it that way. And the
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other piece is I just if I can comment on what you were sharing.
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A lot of this need to have things a certain way, whether it's clutter
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mess or clutter organization, or it's holding on and holding on its familiar and
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it's safety. Yeah, anxiety is actually about it's a label that's been swapped
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on because here you go. You can have a pill for it. That
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doesn't fix the anxiety. It's about the nervous system not feeling safe. It's
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about not being able to control a situation and knowing the outcome. Because if
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you can't have things the same every single day, that's unexpected, that's unknown.
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That that's the nervous system going alert. Fire alarm, fire alarm,
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because the brain, the body, the spirit has been hard wired from these
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past experiences to be afraid. You're not living in the past anymore, but
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your nervous system and your body and your mind spirit are living in the past.
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Yeah, we talk about that with trauma. I mean, my gosh,
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exactly. So it's when I go into someone's home, I've seen everything
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and it's it's people like everyone will have a different way to fold, Everyone's
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going to have a different way to wash dishes, and everyone's gonna be like,
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no, no, this is the way you do it. A thought
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creates your reality. Your point of view creates your reality. So once you're
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aware of that, then you realize that there is no right or wrong way.
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It's just how do you feel like doing it. The way you're saying
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is that my way is not right. I don't care for this. It
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was nice knowing you there. It's going a pleasure side. It was lovely
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meeting you, and it's it's been interesting, like living with someone now and
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making that shift that I do things a certain way. We get into habit
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because it's easy. It's fact student, I don't have to change like you're
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just in this rhythm. Change means more time, more energy, more effort.
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It means challenging yourself taking a risk, and people don't want to do
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that, especially if they've experienced a lot of trauma, because that's much stress
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on the nervous system. So the way I work is three phases. The
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first phase is, well, let's assess what your core values are and look
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at what you want to create in your life, because if you're holding onto
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the past, whether it's in your physical belongings, how you do things,
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your reactions, your responses, behaviors, habits, points of view. The
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list goes on because it's not just the physical spaces. We identify that and
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then we look like, okay, well, what do we need to release
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that's not allowing you to create that. If you want more time to do
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meditation, but you don't have it because you're spending a significant amount of time
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setting up your space in the morning to be a specific way, then how
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are you going to do that meditation? You can't, So what are we
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going to let go of? And it's not just the physical belonging is a
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great way to get it started because then we ever covered the clinging on and
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why there's that attachment, and once we uncover the attachment and the belief and
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everything, we don't have to dig into the trauma to do this. Then
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you release it and you go oh, and then it just shifts your point
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of view, and then it has a ripple effect on your behaviors, your
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habits, how you engage in things. So it's all connected. It's not
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just about letting go to belongings. It's all the questions that I ask during
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the process. And then the second phase is getting into your natural rhythm,
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and that's about what are we going to do to support your nervous system so
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that your window tolerance gets bigger so you feel safe again. And how are
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you going to spend your time because now you know that what you want to
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create, you're reconnecting with yourself. You're reconnecting with your power and purpose.
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How are we going to organize your life to match that because now your space
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has been addressed, and all the beliefs and everything that we're holding you back
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from making the time to do this. And then the third phase is I
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love alliteration, so passion, power and purpose. And it's like think of
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people when their children. Before maybe things got hard, there was a playfulness
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of curiosity, freedom, joy, creativity, ease, just being present that
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central vegel. That's being your power. So once you have your spaces and
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your natural rhythm and you've released a chunk of what's been holding you back,
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you can now put your energy into your life purpose and it doesn't have to
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be a business. I do do the business side of coaching it's what would
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you want to cultivate in your life, that's your life purpose. It could
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be, oh, I want to have very loving, meaningful relationships, or
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oh, I want to help people, you know, create beautiful works of
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art because they're talented, they just don't know that they can do it or
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whatever whatever it may be, right, and they might be hiding behind things
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that happened to them that they're not necessarily sure that they're hiding that they are
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hiding behind that, And I find that so incredibly interesting. I have somebody
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that's in my world who is a legitimate hoarder, not as bad as like
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the TV show Hoarders, where there's like dead cats and dead rats and dead
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animals that are there. But you're talking about a nine thousand square foot pard
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from every cupboard, every drawer, The entire garage is three car garage from
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the floor to the ceiling of to the roof line, which is a huge
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roofline. It's not like a small garage goes all the way up to the
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roof of a nine thousand square foot and the entire garage is a horde on
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top of the rust of the home. And she keeps things like her daughters,
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like all of their stuffed animals has all of them. They're twenty seven,
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it has all of them, and she's holding onto so much stuff and
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it's to a point where it's just out of control and they won't let go
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of anything. An envelope from mail, Like it's getting stacked and stacked and
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stacked, and it's gotten to the point that it's really really sad. And
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then dementia has kind of started to play into that because she's fairly old,
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older and in our late seventies, and you know, it's a challenge in
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that regard, because what do you do when you have smaller cases per se
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versus bigger cases, Like obviously you go into a home like that one that's
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that's a bigger elephant. And that's like, I don't work with individuals who
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there's different like here in Canada have different levels of identifying it like level one,
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two, three, and four. That sounds like it's a level four
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for me. I work with people who are more like level one two.
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It's people who are living their life. But then there's these big gaps like
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they just can't seem to get the time management or they can't seem to keep
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their space organized, or there's just holes because with trauma comes gaps in learning
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and gaps in brain development that you know, there's this whole thing of ADHD
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or I did a video, this and a and a blog. ADHD is
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really just the brain on trauma. So certainly, if you look at the
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list of things that happen to the brain, if you've experienced a lot of
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trauma, especially childhood, and you look at ADHD, it's the same thing.
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Interesting, it's pretty much the same thing. And so it's executive functioning.
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It wasn't developed. And so when I work with people, it's teaching
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them because you can learn that stuff. So I work with people who are
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functioning, but they're just they're not functioning at the level that they could be
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because they have these gaps. And everybody has different little like different puzzle like
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different pieces that are missing. Nobody has the exact same pieces that are missing.
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Yeah, I always like to use puzzles in relation to me specifically because
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I always even in my business as well, I love putting together puzzle pieces
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to things Like it's always like I get a new client and I've got to
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like figure out like where all the pieces are, like Okay, there's like
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twenty and account pushions underneath here. We got to find those the whole process
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that I go through to kind of put together their puzzle. It feels like
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that's kind of similar, even though mine's very different on the people that I
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deal with. But the gaps and the holes in our understanding and our learning
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and our ways of developing is so interesting. Because I'm sitting here, of
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course my brain's like, okay, so nine thirteen, seventeen, twenty,
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twenty one, twenty three, like how many of these? Can I line
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up and go, Okay, where did all of these gaps happen? And
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now I'm kind of freaking out. No, don't freak out, because it's
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I'm like, oh my god, because and I'm a pretty high functioning person
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even in the midst of my shit, you know, like I am,
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and I've always been that way. But I'm like, man, I could
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be so much stronger and so much better if I could plug some of these
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holes or at least release some of the like gross gas that needs to come
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out of whatever that trauma was or whatever it is. So when you come
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in, how long do you work with people? Typically? So you come
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in and you start working with them. I mean, obviously there's probably some
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ongoing part, but can you talk a little bit about hopping in and getting
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in When somebody wants to work with somebody like you, what is their experience
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like? And how long do you typically work with people that are like at
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A one two obviously not level four? Yeah, level four. It really
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depends. It's kind of like a Pandor's box because once you open it on,
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you can open it up, you can go on forever, And it
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depends on how deep someone wants to go, generally for a physical space,
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depending on can a person do stuff outside of sessions. So if I'm going
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in person, I'll go in person first, and it could be a couple
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of months doing weekly sessions and then shifting to online to weekly sessions. And
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I would say, if a person wants that true change, because it's not
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going to happen overnight, I would say once two years. And when I
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say two years, it's like we're doing check ins every two weeks every month,
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just to like, I don't want to say fine tune, but just
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to make sure that you're on track. Because there's that accountability piece, because
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I don't believe in inner work. I believe in discovery and transformation and being
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curious and having fun with this and being able to laugh, like how you're
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making fun of yourself, and that's what we need to do. Why do
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we need to make this like the scary thing that we have to face?
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Why not have fun with it? Look, I agree with that approach because
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that's why that's one of the reasons why I did this. I do the
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show the way that I do it is because if I can't laugh through the
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crap that's been dished, then I've got no hope, and neither do you.
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If you're gonna sit there and I'm not talking to you, Tony,
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I'm talking to you my listeners will maybe you too, love No, But
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it's like, if you are not going to be able to laugh through some
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of the painful things in life, then you've got some bigger problems to address.
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Because that's the only way that I get through it's been a little depraved
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using the effort. I know you love it as well, but like we
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we have to give ourselves some grace and laugh a little bit about our life
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and enjoy the experience even though it's hard, Yes, and it's not to
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say, you know, don't cry or you know, be positive, feel
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the emotions, and just approach the situation with a little bit of lightness so
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that more you know, focused time of like really being consistent and doing a
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lot would be about six months. Yeah, okay, and it depends on
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the individual, but I would say at least six months to be like quite
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consistent. And with that, it's it's about kind of just dipping in and
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dipping out, right. We don't have to sit in it all the time.
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It's being able to flow in and out and not be so like obsessed
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and focused about this inner work all the time because then it takes over.
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We want to be present just life and then dip in when we can and
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be like, oh look I'm doing this differently now, and then just close
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my master bedroom doors on Sundays and don't think about it for the entire day.
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How can you see the like what else is possible in that situation to
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have fun? Because when you were describing it, I'm like, okay,
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you know what you can do. You can like go jump in your bed
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and be like, oh look, I can take a nap and like play
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with the covers and like just like it all snuggs like a dogwood and like
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play. Wait what would a kid do? So I just have a pillow
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fight and my panties with one of my girlfriends, or just sit in your
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bed and have a team Like all right, man, all right, simmer
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down, guys, simmer down. I know that's what you think we all
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do when we hang out. But I can tell you it's not what we
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do. We bet about you, We bet about you, and then we
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want to have a pillow fight with you. Nobody's just one of those things
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that's like it is, it's retraining my brain. Do not see things the
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way I see them. Like, for example, I think I've told this
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story before on the show, but I'm gonna tell it again just in case.
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I'm in the supermarket not that long ago. I'm always probably a couple
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of months ago, and my sweetie is with me, and we're walking down
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the aisle dot to Dote to do and there are like the tuna cans on
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the right hand side, and they are not facing labels facing front. They're
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not and I walk by it and then I'm like, hey, honey,
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like, weligo, grab you know whatever the heck you needed a gub tell
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them what to grab. I went back to the aisle and I fix every
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damned tuna can in the aisle, and I'm like, what kind of monster
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does this? Like it is insane sometimes that I cannot help myself. Even
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like in our refrigerator, he and I will be standing there will be like,
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wanted to grab something, and I'll just like, who, like,
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turn something from the left to the right, because now it is the way
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that it is. But it's not like that in every single facet of my
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life, Like there are places where I do tend to not be quite as
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crazy as that, where everything cannot be it perfectly in order, and I've
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just had to accept some of that. But part of it is gives me
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such anxiety when I see something like stack that isn't the way that it should
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be, or there's something that I forgot to do, and I'm not somebody
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that forgets things. And with my brain pain bologna that I have, I
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know that I deal with a lot more brain fog than I'm used to.
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So I'm struggling with that because some of the things that I used to spend
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a lot of time on in my OCD and in my organization, I can't
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do because of my pain level or because I have to focus on something a
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little bit more important. And I'm starting to see, yeah, that as
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I'm releasing some of the trapped emotion. Okay, now I have the hiccups.
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Good for you, guys. This is great. This is be fun.
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That trapped emotions that I've kept and that I've held in my bod for
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so long are starting to slowly kind of release, and I'm starting to see
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these changes. But they're slow and gradual, and all of a sudden like
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snake up on me, even though it was slow, all of a sudden,
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that's slow. Is like, well that was six months ago I started
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approaching a topic or an issue, and now I'm starting to get out of
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the weeds from it. So it is a process and it's not going to
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go it's not going to get fixed overnight. Like you said, we do
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have to give ourselves the grace and the time to do some work within ourselves,
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of course, but also to not live in perfectionism and dysfunction and where
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that all leads. Because we all have our ship, we all do,
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you know, and we're hiding behind a lot of it. Oh big time.
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Yeah, And I would just say that on t what you shared is
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that when people have these habits, like you're talking about yourself and you know,
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having to adjust labels and whatnot, that is just there was a need
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that wasn't met, and then you developed a coping mechanism, so we can
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trace back to what need wasn't met, and then the coping mechanism and the
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belief in the story around it, then it just dissolves. Huh, because
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I had I had a klan, yes for an example, giving an example.
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It's not a crazy lamb, but oh I only want crazy here,
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just crazy on this show, Thank you very much. She was forced to
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do tutoring and was punished for not being able to clean her room. As
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a child, she struggled with ADHD and what happened was as an adult,
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what do you think happened? As an adult she would procrastinate with work and
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she would procrastinate with cleaning her room. Why because she was still rebelling.
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But as soon as we figured out that connection, she's like, oh my
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goodness, I never realized that that connection. As soon as we saw that,
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we did something I do like different mindfulness practices and like somatic work.
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We do phrases. I do a variety of things to help release it and
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shift it in the subconscious. Once we did that exercise that need to do
24:45
that, it dissipated. You were able to find the anchor of what caused
24:51
that pattern. And so that's the pieces of the puzzle that I do.
24:53
That's why when people are letting go of stuff, they're like, oh,
24:56
no, I need it, Well why do you need it? And then
24:57
I just keep on asking questions and sometimes people think I'm judging. I'm like,
25:02
no, I'm just asking questions so that I understand. And then what
25:06
I understand, you start going, oh. And then we figured out Mande,
25:10
I have pirate ships this like anchored all over the place all right,
25:12
Like we've got a lot of work to do. Maybe we're gonna find some
25:18
treasure on those ships. I don't know, but I mean, it's it's
25:21
nuts. It's the psyche is so incredible. When you think about the things
25:26
that we've been through at such a young age, we don't think anything of
25:30
it. We just don't. And we always are like, oh, you
25:33
know when we're a teenagers in college, you know, we have nothing can
25:37
kill us. We can do whatever we want to everything's gonna be fine,
25:40
And then you look back at some of the things that were absolutely horrible things
25:44
that happened to me. I also did stupid shit, like absolutely like I
25:48
caused problems for myself. I caused my own traumas. I know those places
25:52
those I've addressed. I have not addressed the places where trauma was caused to
25:57
me that I had no ConTroll over. Okay, and those are the places
26:02
that I think are like I'm I'm looking at my studio desk right now,
26:06
I'm like, Okay, this little bit of an organization is stuff. I've
26:10
addressed that all my labels facing out up and I did it this morning.
26:14
I literally cleaned out the entire refrigerator this morning because I had an Instacart order
26:18
being delivered and I needed to make sure that everything was going to be just
26:22
right and just so and all of that. So this morning, instead of
26:25
prepping more to talk with you, I didn't need much because you're so wonderful,
26:30
I decided that cleaning my refrigerator was a much better use of my time.
26:33
Complete bullshit. I was so pissed off at myself because I could not
26:38
stop. I couldn't stop. I canceled something else. I canceled another something
26:44
else to make sure that I was going to get that done. So dumb,
26:48
like, no, stop eating yourself up? No no, no,
26:51
okay, okay, it's not dumb. It's absolutely wonderful behavior. Lindsay,
26:55
well, it's what is I taught you that you're so doing this? And
27:00
it's about why what is it that you need? What is it that you
27:04
need that's causing you to do that? What happened before that developed this?
27:10
Right? Because you were talking about sleeping and we don't have to do this
27:11
here, but do you know what I mean? Like it's going to that
27:14
anchors, like what is this all about? What does this need to do?
27:18
That? And control and controlling environments and situations and things need to be
27:23
a certain way? Is safety? And two things come up for me.
27:27
I don't know if it's for you, but just in general when I work
27:30
with people, perfectionism I see a lot with people because that means no criticism.
27:34
A lot of people grew up in dysfunctional families. Criticism, criticism,
27:37
cristicism. But if I'm perfect, nobody can say anything, right. So
27:42
that's one, Daniel. The other one is just the general safety so if
27:49
I can control the environment, I can predict what's going to happen, which
27:55
keeps me safe because the trauma was not predictable. Right, So it's looking
28:00
at how can we take that experience of where that connection was made and doing
28:07
some subconscious work and embodiment to let your nervous system know you are safe now.
28:14
Safety is an unfortunate topic that is brought up in my life almost every
28:21
day. Oh yeah, it's in my relationship with my sweetie. Not because
28:23
I feel but not because it's like an unsafe thing between he and I.
28:27
But it's safety as a whole in my life that he and I struggle with,
28:33
And there are elements where he just doesn't get it, and I don't
28:36
even know how to explain it without like rehashing old trauma and taking wounds that
28:41
have since been healed at least we thought they were at least, you know,
28:47
and going Okay, now I'm ripping out all of those stitches. I'm
28:49
ripping out all of that stuff, and I've got to readjust that stuff.
28:52
So can you approach that? Because she's shaking out head, No at me,
28:56
That's what I knew. You were going to shake your head no,
28:57
I want you to talk about that for a sect because that is I know
29:02
that that is where fear lies and people that have safety issues, and people
29:07
that have OCD tendencies or our orders or what have you, who are holding
29:11
on. If you can approach that topic, I think that's a biggie yeah,
29:14
and thank you for sharing that because I can relate a lot. Right
29:18
My nervous system is on high alert. It's gotten better because I've really focused
29:22
on strengthening my nervous system. And there's three areas that we need as children
29:26
when we're developing, the need for safety, the need for unconditional love,
29:30
and the need for boundaries. So I won't go into those too much.
29:33
I have a YouTube video you can watch on it. And with those needs
29:38
not being met, we then develop coping mechanisms to compensate. And when we're
29:45
in that place where we're not feeling safe, it could be like a micro
29:49
moment, like a split second of a facial expression, of a gesture,
29:53
it could be anything that sets off the nervous system to that memory, and
29:57
then you're in a flash back. So there's a difference between a trigger and
30:02
a flashback of triggers like pressing the button and then something happens. So the
30:07
trigger is the media of like, oh this reminds me of and then the
30:11
body's having its response. That's the flashback. You could be in a flashback
30:15
for five minutes, five days, five weeks, five months, right,
30:18
because you could keep on getting trapped in it and keep on getting flashback for
30:22
forty's the world's longest flash threat. So the key is you don't have to
30:30
tell your sweetie what happened. You just say, sweetie, I'm having a
30:34
flashback, and you work I'm coming back to ventral vegel and whatever is in
30:40
your toolbox to do that. So when I work with people, we have
30:42
a toolbox to strengthen, so daily practices to strengthen your nervous system, and
30:48
then we have a toolbox of Okay, when you're way out and you know
30:52
your f type, if your flight freeze fawn or fight fight freeze or fawn
30:57
and one of those, you know what to do for each of them,
31:02
and you know the red flags of which state you're in. What do I
31:03
need to do to get back into ventral bagel and that becomes the focus and
31:07
by doing that, you're just strengthening your nervous system. You're coming back to
31:11
ventral bagel, and then you're telling your brain, oh, guess what,
31:14
I'm safe, so you don't have to relift things like that's old, that's
31:18
not talk therapy. Talk therapy hard wires the trauma because then you keep on
31:22
reliving it. Woman, enough, she's putting table out of business over right,
31:27
here, left and right as a day. I'm going to take this
31:30
a step further. In America, we live in a quick, fixed society.
31:34
Pop a pill, go shopping, watch this. You're you being out
31:40
of ventral vegel creates gives money to consumerism. But if you're in ventral vegelt
31:45
the time, then you can't make money. So it's about And then you
31:48
said I'm going to put people out of business, Well yeah, because then
31:52
if you're always in ventral bagel, you don't need to go to that therapist.
31:53
You're not going to need to see me forever. That's not the point.
31:56
The point is to get to a place where you can stand in your
31:59
two feet and be solid and go over into the world alone because you've gained
32:04
the skills you've need to gain, and you've let go what was holding you
32:07
back. And then you're on your own and you've created the social network and
32:10
the community and the support that you need. Because trauma equals isolation and shame
32:15
big time. Yeah, big time, especially the isolation. While I get
32:22
both isolation and shame. I mean, I've worked from home forever twenty four
32:24
years. So I'm used to my space, and I'm used to everything being
32:30
just so, and I'm used to my timelines, and I'm used to the
32:31
discipline that I have placed in my life since I was well twenty three years
32:36
ago, you know. And it's hard when people come into my space and
32:42
are even there, even if they come over for dinner. Yeah, there's
32:45
a couple of them, my girlfriends that are awesome. They like always clamp
32:50
the kitchen or they you know, they're picking up, they're helping me out.
32:52
Like one of them will do my sisters fill basically my sister still grab
32:55
the vacuum and just like start random way vacuum or whatever. And then there's
32:59
a couple that like they just have dinner and they put their dishes in the
33:01
sink and they don't care and they don't think think, and they're ungrateful and
33:05
what have you. But I'm like now, you've like gotten in my space
33:07
and you've changed every single thing about how I wanted this night to go.
33:12
And I let dishes in the sink derail me because I find disrespect when it
33:17
comes to that that, like somebody didn't do it on my timeline when I
33:21
wanted it done at the time I wanted it the way I wanted it,
33:23
And if they had done it anyways, I would have rewashed their dishes and
33:27
put them in the right way and the damn dishwasher. It's like, oh
33:30
my god, Lindsay, it's insane, Like I cannot have those two I'm
33:36
so Gemini. They that two side of me where it's like I want everything
33:39
done the way that I want it done, because this is the way that
33:42
it should be done, because this is the this is these are the rules
33:45
that have been in place in my life forever. And then there's a side
33:47
of me that's really trying to break free from it to a certain extent by
33:52
letting people come in and help me with some things, and then I end
33:54
up just redoing them and it's just really frustrating. Yeah, it's that I'm
34:01
hearing like that black and white again, and that's very, very common with
34:07
most people. Right, And when you're in that black and white thinking,
34:09
then it creates separation. Yeah, and divide and judgment, judge. Yes,
34:16
you're judging yourself, you're judging other people. You're resenting others, you're
34:20
resenting yourself. You're beating yourself up, you're beating them up. Yes.
34:22
It just being an experience and just observing and being like, oh, they
34:28
put They're the type of people that when they come over, they put in
34:30
the dishes. Oh that's interesting, Okay, cool, Okay. They're the
34:32
type of people that come over and don't do anything because they were raised that
34:37
when you go to someone's house, the other person's hosting, everyone has a
34:40
different point of view. So there's no I don't like that vey though,
34:45
so then you ask say, hey, I love having over. It's a
34:47
lot for me because of X, Y and Z or it means a lot
34:52
for me when it's like a co creation, you know, what are you
34:54
really good at? And being able to let that go because no one wants
34:58
to be boster Man when they're going sometimes I am dead. I am dead.
35:06
I'm probably the person that would have like stickers instead of my name is.
35:09
It's like you're in charge of I don't know if you're a Seinfeld fan,
35:14
but there's there's a Seinfeld episode with why I don't remember what party they
35:19
were at. I think it was. It wasn't Tim Watley, it was
35:22
the other guy. That guy like did the snaps all the time. He's
35:24
like, you're in charge of making sure nobody taps on the fish Stamer that
35:29
all right? And there's that you're in charge of music. You're in charge
35:31
of coats, right un that's when Elaine goes in and there's two of the
35:35
same coats. Anyways, but that's what I feel like. That like,
35:37
if people come over, I'm like, I don't want them to feel that
35:40
way, but I also want people to understand if they know me as well
35:45
as they do. It's one thing if you're having a big party and you're
35:46
entertainment, you're talking about your best friends that come over. They know who
35:51
I am, they know what I'm like. If the situation was reversed,
35:53
I would be cognitive of their particular living environment and the way that they live.
35:59
But that's also who I am. Like, I'm always considering what other
36:02
people are doing and what she is not happy with me right now Guys,
36:07
if you saw her day's taking her finger at me and I don't care for
36:12
it. That is not you. Those are habits. What do you mean?
36:17
What do you mean? Would you say like, that's who I am,
36:22
That's not who you are. Those are coping strategies, those are preferences.
36:25
That's not who you are as that's not your spirit, that's not who
36:30
you are inside someone who wants everything to be a certain way. So by
36:35
cleaning to those labels and asking other people, and I'm going to call you
36:38
out on this because it's gonna go call me out. Everybody call me out.
36:42
I don't. I don't one that does not not like to be called
36:44
out, call me out. It's enabling, right because then when you expect
36:46
people to accommodate, it's n enabled. So yes, you want people to
36:51
support when you're slowly shifting out of those safety mechanisms, right because you don't
36:55
want to put too much stress and having those conversations friends like, hey,
37:00
this is how I normally do it. Today, I want to try this.
37:02
Let's see what happens and play a game. Let's see what happens if
37:06
I don't put the dishes in the dishwasher and you guys do, and then
37:08
we have to turn the dishwasher on and I'm not allowed to turn it off.
37:12
Let's see what happens. The question is, did they rent the cheese
37:16
off of the plate first? Because if you, if anybody in this world
37:21
is any any bit of a human, please just wash the cheese off the
37:25
dishes before you put them in the dishwasher. Just do it. Don't anticipate
37:30
that this hot water is going to make it work, because it doesn't.
37:32
You'll have to put some elbow grease in. Okay, that's it. Have
37:36
faith and trust. Have faith and trust when I've done that, When I've
37:39
done that and I have it is a disaster, okay, And that is
37:45
me Like I just like I said in the beginning about my bed not being
37:50
made of torture. Okay, maybe it's not a disaster. Maybe it's not
37:53
torture. It feels that way though at the time, because I don't understand
38:00
how it is possible that somebody would come over and have dinner and not assist
38:07
in helping or at least ask or I don't understand, like how did you
38:12
not see like the mountain of crumb cake that you have on the counter.
38:15
Why did you not like take the sponge and wash it down? It right?
38:20
And it's it's little things like that that add up over times within every
38:24
one of my relationships. And I am the first person to say that this
38:27
is who I am. And I know that it has caused harm in some
38:30
of my friendships. Yeah, I know that it has because I've gotten resentful,
38:34
I've gotten pissed off. I'm like, come on, dude, like
38:37
help me out. I need a little help. And when I ask for
38:40
it, which is hard for me to do, I still get let down.
38:44
So then I end up not asking for help again, and then the
38:45
vicious cycle begins. Exactly exactly. I definitely struggle with that when my sweetheart
38:52
moved in, because I was like, what are you doing? What are
38:57
you doing? What is happening here? I know exactly And then I was
39:04
like, Oh, I'm just gonna train him right. Nope, So what
39:08
has happened? Now? Give me a comment the other day and I laughed
39:14
because he was like, what's going on here? He goes, you send
39:17
me one of the house cleaned this, but the other that's not that the
39:20
house was messy, Like, it's not that our place was gross. Or
39:22
anything. But I had let it go because I stopped micromanaging. I stopped
39:29
keeping tally. I was keeping tally. Oh he did this, I have
39:32
to do this. Like so I was stopping the micromanaging and like focusing on
39:36
all that and taking a step back. I think with trauma, what happens
39:38
is we focus on the micro we try to do the prevention, and then
39:44
we get lost from the big picture, loving sweet man who's very giving and
39:49
does a lot in the relationship. And it's the more I could see that
39:52
and trust that, I let go and now we're in this beautiful rhythm and
39:57
it's not like oh I cooked today, you have cook tomorrow, or I
40:00
did the dishes, you have to do this, Like it's not this check
40:04
mark. And that's that's indicative of dysfunctional families too, like blaming each other
40:08
saying oh you did this, and like what's the term for it, like
40:12
keeping tabs? Yeah, I like the tallying, the keeping tabs, and
40:16
you owe me. There's this idea of you owe me, right, that's
40:21
so when we when we dissolve that, then there isn't this need and there'sn't
40:24
this judgment of things having to be done a certain way and making assumptions that
40:30
everyone has to do it your way, and like all those different belief systems
40:35
and points of view, they just kind of dissolve the more you can see
40:37
the big picture and focus on what's most important. Well, what's most important
40:42
is that we have a nice dinner together and that we eat healthy, and
40:46
that the dishes get done at so whenever they get it done, they get
40:51
goin in a very recent time. But you know what I mean, like,
40:52
just yeah, it doesn't have to be perfect. I love talking to
40:58
you about this though, because it is something that is loud and clear in
41:02
my ears. Because I know that obviously everybody that's listening this episode knows.
41:07
Yeah, I'm circling back to the beginning, guys, where I was talking
41:09
about Lindsay and sanity in the same sentence. Now you understand what I'm talking
41:15
about. But I know that this is an element of my life that I
41:19
need to work on. I mean, it's not even an element. It
41:22
is a huge part of my life and a huge part of who I am.
41:27
Some of it is wonderful, the fact that I'm organizing color coded and
41:30
all of that, all of that has been applied to my business. All
41:34
that's been applied to the show, all of that's been applied in other really
41:37
good places, but it also creeps us wearing gross head up in places that
41:42
are super unhealthy, and that holds me in this like unhealthy rhythm where now
41:49
I'm just annoyed instead of like it's just a fucking crumb, it's like not
41:53
that big of a See now I have the hiccups again, right, things
41:58
coming up? Interesting? Great? So if you have the hiccups, guys,
42:02
stuff that you need to deal with is happening. Is this what your
42:06
is? This what you your information is? Your body's talking to you right?
42:12
Oh my gosh. There are so many things that I want to continue
42:15
to talk to you about. And I know that that every listener and now's
42:17
gonna be like gotta call you. So my question is do you work virtually?
42:22
Because I know that you talked about doing virtual stuff after you've already been
42:24
into somebody's home. Can you work with people virtually? Yeah, I've done
42:30
right from stuff one online. There's some ways that it can be approached.
42:35
I don't necessarily have to be there to physically help you let go of things.
42:38
It's just that it's a bit different of a process. Hey, if
42:43
you want to find me down in California, I'm happy to come down.
42:45
Come on down, girlfriend, come on down. I might send you a
42:49
couple of places. Actually, actually I would never send you to the nine
42:53
thousand spread foot the hoard. I'm not a monster, yes, Jordan,
43:00
Yes, I do work online. Okay, we can address quite a bit
43:02
online because it's really both the belief systems. It's well, I think we've
43:07
all gotten so used to doing things online and on Zoom now that it's like
43:10
back in the day that the PC pre COVID, you know, people would
43:15
be like what now you know now it's like what, I don't want to
43:17
do it if it's not on. I don't want to leave my house to
43:21
be talking. I don't want to leave my house. I'm I'm great here.
43:24
Oh not good comfort, I know. I know. Well, I'm
43:28
the queen of that. And some of that is I can't thrive very much
43:30
because of my legs, and so there's an element of that that's gotten in
43:35
the way. But you know, I'm still out and about doing my thing.
43:37
I take my wheelchair and I go out and you know, I go
43:40
do my thing. But it's still less available for me to do the things
43:44
that I would want to do. But I also am a little bit of
43:46
a homebody, and even though I'm super outgoing and all that, I'm actually
43:51
very very introverted, and I like my personal space. I don't like people.
43:53
Do not ring my doorbell. Don't do it, don't do it,
43:59
don't ring it. I have signs on the door that says, don't do
44:01
it. Don't even leave me a voicemail. My voicemail says, don't leave
44:05
me before your kid. You're so funny because I don't listen to him.
44:08
So I mean, it's like it is what it is. Just call me
44:10
and I see him as call call you back. But anyways, is there
44:13
anything left that you'd like to leave our listeners with. You've given me my
44:16
mind's exploding a little bit. I didn't I knew I needed you before this,
44:22
and now I'm a little bit traumatized by this call. So thank you.
44:24
We're gonna have to unpack that. I'm ready. I'm not traumatized at
44:30
all. It just has given me a lot to think about stuff that I
44:34
know that's kind of been creeping up that I've needed to address, and I
44:37
didn't realize that this was as bad, big of an issue as it was
44:40
till a couple months ago when I really started to do that don't make my
44:44
bed thing on Sundays, like literally and and it's not easy. And my
44:49
sweetie is like, don't do it. And I just like pull the covers
44:52
up, like kind of make it look like a man. He's like,
44:53
no, or we're just gonna send the dogs in and they're gonna mess up
44:57
the bed, that's what we're gonna have them do. And I'm just like,
44:59
oh, man, but is there anything that you'd like to leave our
45:01
listeners with outside of all this wonderfulness? Oh, that's a big question.
45:07
I would say, let go to labels. That's the big thing. Let
45:09
go of all the labels, because that keeps you trapped in the past,
45:13
It keeps you trapped in victimhood. And it's really about looking at what can
45:17
you let go of, what can you release, and then what needs need
45:22
to be cultivated and what do you want to create, Like what is your
45:27
sole purpose? Because the main thing I do is get people back into alignments
45:30
you can live your soul purpose. So let's start with letting go the labels
45:36
and letting go of the stories, which is not talking about ten official labels.
45:39
Guys. Nope, Now, well maybe for you, maybe you're awesome
45:47
experiences because then it helps people kind of understand the ways that they can approach
45:52
it. So thank you for sharing them. You got it. I mean,
45:54
I'm always here to be vulnerable and outspoken because you know, it's I
46:00
don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but I have
46:04
more stories to share that are around every single episode and the people that I
46:08
talk to that I have some kind of a story that I can throw in
46:12
and I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but
46:15
I tend to be able to have some kind of something that I need to
46:19
still work on, and it always shows itself and it makes me stronger as
46:24
a woman and as a business owner and as a friend and as a partner
46:29
to work on these things and to be vulnerable with you guys, and to
46:31
talk to you about the things that have happened in my world. And you
46:35
guys come on the show and you talk about your vulnerabilities and the things that
46:37
you've been through, and both healers and people that have gone through their traumas
46:42
and I really appreciate your time with us today, Tony. It's been really
46:45
fun, awesome. Thank you, you got it, and I know you've
46:50
got a bunch of stuff coming down the pike. All of her information is
46:52
going to be in show notes, She's got some freebies, she's got a
46:54
new website that's launching really really soon, so I will have all of that
47:00
show notes for you guys. Thank you again for spending time with us here
47:02
today. I really appreciate it, and I clearly need you. Thank you
47:08
anytime, anytime you got it. You are exclusively invited to share this trauma
47:15
clearing, organizing, decluttering a VIP pain journey together. Let's get to the
47:20
heart of how to heal with you by my side. Do you know somebody
47:23
who is living in and with chronic pain or needs massive OCD fixes like myself.
47:30
If you do, please send them our way here to the Pain Game
47:31
Podcast. I'd love to connect with them and hear their heartfelt stories of strength,
47:37
wisdom, and awesomeness. Please follow the Pain Game Podcast wherever you digest
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47:50
little VIPs. Catch you on the other side.