Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / Why 75% of Marriages That Start as Affairs End in Divorce.

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Why 75% of Marriages That Start as Affairs End in Divorce. · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  So you think you're the exception, right?
• 0:05
  You think because you found each other in the middle of a mess,
• 0:08
  your love is somehow stronger than the rest of the loves
• 0:12
  everywhere? But the numbers do not lie.
• 0:16
  And as a self aware diagnosed narcissist, I can tell you
• 0:19
  exactly why those numbers are so low.
• 0:22
  Only 3% to 7% of affairs ever lead to marriage.
• 0:29
  So they were there right there before you try to marry somebody
• 0:33
  that you cheated with and whatnot.
• 0:35
  Just think about those numbers right there. 3% to 7% of affairs
• 0:41
  end up in marriages, like lead to marriage 3 to 7%.
• 0:45
  Is that high enough for you? And if like, I guess what
• 0:49
  happens if you, if you are one of the lucky 3 to 7% who makes
• 0:55
  it to the altar, you have a 75% chance of getting divorced
• 1:01
  again. Isn't that crazy?
• 1:04
  Isn't that crazy that 75% of the marriages that start off as
• 1:08
  affairs end in divorce? So that's why, yeah, so many
• 1:12
  people ask me, the narcissist in the new supply or they're going
• 1:15
  to be happy or they go, what if they get married?
• 1:17
  They get married. Is it going to last?
• 1:18
  They're going to treat the new supply better.
• 1:19
  It's all in the same yard. 75% of these affair relationships
• 1:24
  ending divorce and very rarely do they get married.
• 1:26
  But do they get married? Yeah, some of them do get
• 1:28
  married. Some of them get married right
• 1:30
  off. But that's not a reflection on
• 1:32
  you. It is 100% a reflection on them,
• 1:34
  y'all, And that's what we talked about today, y'all, Why so many
• 1:37
  people wow, the 1% chance, right?
• 1:39
  Why so many of these marriages that start off as cheating end
• 1:43
  up just breaking up, end up because like the first thing
• 1:46
  about it is y'all, think about it right here.
• 1:49
  There's no trust. Why?
• 1:51
  As a narcissist, why would you trust me if you're cheating with
• 1:56
  me? And why would I trust you if
• 1:58
  you're cheating with me? I'm cheating with you.
• 2:00
  Why would I trust you? You know what I'm saying?
• 2:02
  There's no trust there. And the foundational, the
• 2:04
  foundational building block of a healthy relationship is trust.
• 2:09
  It absolutely is. It's trust.
• 2:12
  You know, you have to be able to trust each other.
• 2:14
  If I don't trust you and you don't trust me, what the hell
• 2:17
  are we doing here? You see what I'm saying?
• 2:19
  That's what goes on right there y'all.
• 2:21
  And they, a lot of people ask me why do narcissists cheat?
• 2:24
  Why do so many people cheat? Why do so many narcissistic
• 2:26
  toxic people cheat? Yo, affairs are easy.
• 2:30
  They just are affairs. Cheating.
• 2:33
  Those relationships are not real.
• 2:36
  Think about it, most times there's no bills, there's no
• 2:39
  sick kids, there's no boring Tuesday nights sitting on the
• 2:42
  couch. There's nothing up there.
• 2:44
  It really is a high dopamine fantasy.
• 2:47
  It's like we get to sneak around, we get to sneak around,
• 2:49
  we get to creep around, especially if you know each, if
• 2:51
  we, if it's between people, we know that's what ends up
• 2:54
  happening right there. Y'all, if it's somebody we know
• 2:57
  this is going to get, it's going to get messy.
• 2:59
  It's the, it's the thrill of it. The thrill is there.
• 3:03
  So when the thrill goes away, what happens?
• 3:06
  The relation goes away when it when we no longer have to sneak
• 3:08
  around, Guess what? It's no longer exciting.
• 3:11
  Now guess what? There are boring Tuesday nights
• 3:15
  now there are bills. Now there are sick kids and
• 3:19
  sometimes there are more bills. Because if I leave my family and
• 3:21
  you leave yours, I might have to pay for my family.
• 3:24
  You might have to pay for yours. You know what I'm saying?
• 3:25
  There's so many different things right there.
• 3:27
  Now you have kids that hate you. My kids hate me.
• 3:29
  Your kids hate you. That's why so many of these
• 3:31
  relationship dynamics fail. So think about that right there,
• 3:34
  y'all. When you marry the affair
• 3:36
  partner, you aren't bringing home your soul mate.
• 3:39
  I know that sometimes they will convince you that you're it's
• 3:41
  your soul mate or whatever the case may be.
• 3:43
  You're my soul mate. You're the answer.
• 3:44
  You're that you're bringing home a person who proved that they
• 3:47
  will lie to get what they want. You bringing home an
• 3:50
  untrustworthy person. This is what happens right here.
• 3:54
  You think you're bringing home. Hey, you, you think you're
• 3:56
  bringing home somebody you can trust and whatnot.
• 3:59
  No, you're bringing home somebody that you can't trust.
• 4:02
  Oh, you think you Oh, I got that Whop it's the best I ever had.
• 4:06
  That's why we trust. We our connection is is unlike
• 4:09
  any other ever. Come on now, y'all be believing
• 4:12
  that. Just think about that right?
• 4:14
  You know, pretty much you like you promoted your vacation fling
• 4:20
  to a business partner and they don't they really don't have the
• 4:23
  resume for it because if y'all both are leaving marriages,
• 4:26
  y'all both have failed marriages because you failed the marriage.
• 4:29
  You can blame the other person. You can do all that type of
• 4:32
  stuff right there. But this is what goes on right
• 4:34
  here. Y'all.
• 4:36
  Now a lot of people ask me like so Lee, so why do they fail?
• 4:40
  Why, why, why do these relationships have such a high
• 4:43
  failure rate? I'm glad you asked the one.
• 4:47
  The first rule is called the how you got them rule.
• 4:51
  You lose them how you got them. If they cheated with you, they
• 4:55
  will eventually cheat on you. Both partners are living in a
• 4:59
  House of mirrors now. Like we both are reflections of
• 5:02
  each other. Yeah, we both are cheaters.
• 5:04
  How can we trust each other? It's crazy as hell.
• 5:08
  Like because we're both cheaters or one of at least one of us is
• 5:11
  a cheater, right? It like you're constantly
• 5:14
  wondering in the household if they lie to their ex and we're
• 5:18
  so good at lying and hiding the relationship for two years or
• 5:21
  five years or whatever the time period was, right?
• 5:23
  How do I know they aren't lying to me right now?
• 5:26
  Or am I delusional enough to believe that they wouldn't lie
• 5:29
  to me even though they lied to the person they took that they
• 5:32
  took vows in front of the Lord for?
• 5:34
  Right? Am I delusional enough to think
• 5:35
  I'm more special than the person that you had kids with or you
• 5:39
  raised your life together with You see what I'm saying?
• 5:41
  Am I that delusional to think I'm special?
• 5:44
  You know, am I that delusional to think I'm just I'm I'm just
• 5:47
  better. Are there some people out there
• 5:49
  who think that? Yeah, absolutely.
• 5:50
  Some people think that they're just more the new supply.
• 5:53
  A lot of times, y'all, they don't think that they would be
• 5:57
  lied to because a lot of times they think they're better than
• 6:01
  you. They think they're more
• 6:02
  qualified for your partner than you are, right?
• 6:07
  They think you're you just don't treat them right.
• 6:09
  I'm going to treat them real good.
• 6:11
  You didn't give them everything. I'm going to give them all this
• 6:14
  type of stuff. That's what happens, y'all.
• 6:16
  So that's one reason why these these relationships fail so much
• 6:19
  because y'all can't trust each other.
• 6:20
  Like we look at each other, I'm a cheater, you're a cheater.
• 6:23
  What the hell are we doing? This is goofy.
• 6:25
  But now sometimes you feel like you're forced to be together
• 6:28
  because sometimes the relationship is out there in the
• 6:30
  open now, right? The relationship is out there in
• 6:33
  the open. So now you feel like you're
• 6:34
  forced to be together because the relationship has been
• 6:36
  exposed. So that leads to the second part
• 6:38
  of why these relationships fail so much.
• 6:40
  It's because the social, the social isolation happens, right?
• 6:47
  Because now the affair isn't hidden anymore.
• 6:49
  You're just not sneaking around anymore.
• 6:51
  You might have lost your support system.
• 6:53
  Your family and friends might look at you differently.
• 6:56
  Your family and friends no longer trust you, right?
• 6:59
  Your best friend doesn't pick up pick up the phone when you call
• 7:02
  anymore. Your mom and dad look at you
• 7:04
  kind of weird. They look like you kind of dumb
• 7:07
  right now. They don't trust you anymore.
• 7:11
  Now you and your affair partner, you're on this island together
• 7:14
  and sometimes all you have is each other, right?
• 7:17
  All you have is each other. And sometimes you going to look
• 7:20
  at your affair partner, y'all going to get the new supply and
• 7:23
  the narcissist, they're going to look at each other and they're
• 7:25
  black. I hate your ass.
• 7:26
  You ruined my life. They will start blaming each
• 7:28
  other for ruining each other's lives.
• 7:31
  That's what's going to happen. That's literally going to
• 7:34
  happen. They're going to start blaming
• 7:35
  each other for ruining each other's lives.
• 7:38
  Isn't that crazy as hell? You know what I mean?
• 7:40
  Isn't that insane? I'm going to blame you for
• 7:42
  ruining my life even though I was an active participant in
• 7:46
  this situation right here, even though I'm actively doing it to
• 7:49
  myself. That's what happens right here,
• 7:51
  y'all. So you had to get into that
• 7:53
  space right there. Y'all like these, these
• 7:55
  relationships fail so much because a lot of times you're
• 7:57
  you are, it's just y'all 2. A lot of your friends and family
• 8:00
  members won't talk to you anymore.
• 8:01
  They'll just become distant. They they, you might still have
• 8:04
  some residual friends and family, but a lot of times
• 8:06
  they're going to just be want to be separated from you because
• 8:09
  they don't want to be around it. Like my friends, my my friends
• 8:13
  wives don't want them around me anymore.
• 8:15
  My friends wives don't want them around me anymore because I'm a
• 8:18
  cheater. I don't want you to hang around
• 8:20
  leading no more. He's a cheater.
• 8:21
  They may make you cheat. You said that you become who you
• 8:22
  hang around you been hanging around that cheater.
• 8:24
  You gonna start cheating on me? Doesn't that make sense?
• 8:28
  You see what I'm saying? Doesn't that make sense right
• 8:31
  there? It does, doesn't it?
• 8:33
  You have to think about the this is this is so this is the hard
• 8:35
  truth about these relationship dynamics right here.
• 8:39
  Less than 2% of these relationships result in a
• 8:42
  happily ever after. So I'm not I'm not saying it's
• 8:44
  not possible to have happily ever after.
• 8:47
  I'm just saying 2% is, is that a a risk you're willing to take?
• 8:52
  Are some people willing to do that, to risk the rest of that,
• 8:55
  to risk their life and happiness and stability for a 2% chance to
• 8:59
  live happily ever after? Yeah, there are some people out
• 9:01
  there who would absolutely do that, right?
• 9:04
  There were, there's there's two, there's some people out there
• 9:06
  who who are willing to take that risk. 2% is what is not zero.
• 9:11
  So I'll take that 2%. If I told you have a 2% chance
• 9:14
  of surviving jumping off the Empire State Building, would
• 9:16
  you, would you do it? I said, hey, look, there's a 2%
• 9:20
  chance you'll survive jumping off the Empire State Building.
• 9:24
  And that 2% chance, like you get $100,000, you get $1,000,000,
• 9:28
  who most people wouldn't take that jump because most people
• 9:33
  wouldn't leap off the Empire State Building with a 2% chance
• 9:36
  of survival and $1,000,000. Are there some people who would?
• 9:39
  Yes, there are some people who will literally hop their happy
• 9:43
  asses right off the Empire State Building and then they're going
• 9:45
  to survive 2% chance, probably less than that, but you know
• 9:47
  what I'm saying? That's right there.
• 9:48
  So it's less in the statistics say it's a less than 2% chance.
• 9:52
  So it's like 1. They rounded up to 2, so it's
• 9:55
  less than 2%. So it's like 1.6.
• 9:57
  It's at it's at least a 1.61 point 5% chance of survival,
• 10:02
  right, because they rounded it up to two.
• 10:04
  That's crazy. That's insane.
• 10:07
  So like most people think that they found the one, you didn't
• 10:10
  find the one, you found a temporary 1, you found a
• 10:13
  temporary escape that became a permanent that that's going to
• 10:16
  come with a permanent cost. This temporary fling, this
• 10:19
  temporary love is going to have a permanent cost associated with
• 10:23
  it, right? You'll be paying for this for
• 10:25
  the rest of your life. For what?
• 10:27
  For what gain 2% chance of what to because you go you, you ran
• 10:32
  off with your boss or your secretary.
• 10:34
  Now you have 2% chances of of of living happily ever after.
• 10:38
  They get the hell that's crazy. So many people do that though is
• 10:40
  to me that's crazy. So think about it like this
• 10:43
  y'all. If you're waiting for the person
• 10:45
  who cheated with you to suddenly become a person of integrity,
• 10:49
  you're doing math the wrong way, right?
• 10:52
  You're doing reverse math. You're multiplying.
• 10:55
  You're multiplying where you should be dividing.
• 10:57
  You're adding where you should be subtracting.
• 11:00
  You're you're, you're, you're, you're, you're taking something
• 11:03
  to the exponential power where you should be square rooting it.
• 11:06
  You see what I'm saying? This is, this is the mindset
• 11:08
  right here that so many people go into right here, though, And
• 11:11
  I'm just telling you, like these relationships typically don't
• 11:14
  last. So are they, are they going to
• 11:15
  be happy with the new supply? Less than a 2% chance.
• 11:20
  Those are the numbers y'all, those are the statistics.
• 11:22
  I actually you know, I did I did.
• 11:23
  I did some research for this video right here.
• 11:25
  Less than 2% chance. Less than 2% chance isn't that
• 11:29
  crazy? It's here right there.
• 11:30
  So y'all got a couple. I have time for a couple
• 11:32
  questions. Y'all drop them in the chat and
• 11:33
  whatnot. Oh my one on ones coaching and
• 11:35
  stuff is still available at mentalillness.net.
• 11:38
  You see it right there. I still got my one on ones.
• 11:40
  My coaching. Everything is at
• 11:42
  mentalillness.net. I'll drop the link in the
• 11:43
  comment section as well. You're going to live your entire
• 11:48
  life controlling the cheater. Yep, trying to.
• 11:50
  Yep, trying to. One of my husband's friends not
• 11:52
  only cheated on his wife but had a baby on her.
• 11:55
  And the kicker is his wife couldn't have children.
• 11:57
  Oh that's evil. I immediately hated him and saw
• 12:00
  him as trash sleazebag. They divorce, he married a hoe
• 12:03
  on the side and now they're divorced as well and had a heart
• 12:06
  attack when he got up under the baby.
• 12:07
  I'm oh wow wow you see y'all see right there?
• 12:12
  You see real life story from Anne right there, 2%, less than
• 12:16
  2% chance they got married and they got divorced. 75% you
• 12:20
  you're trying to go against the numbers people want so many
• 12:22
  people want to be the exception and not the rule, right?
• 12:24
  I'm going to be the exception. I'm going to be that 2%.
• 12:26
  All right? I'm the same to admit it.
• 12:29
  So God, so true. God saying told you, showed you
• 12:32
  all the signs and even your Mama hoped this was a phase.
• 12:35
  Not even knowing How I Met her. She did not approve.
• 12:37
  There you go. You see, you see, sometimes, yo,
• 12:40
  this type of stuff does happen, man.
• 12:42
  Yeah, a relationship full of secrets is the wrong
• 12:44
  relationship. Absolutely.
• 12:46
  But sometimes it's fun. It's just sneaking around it,
• 12:49
  like it's just sneaking around and stuff.
• 12:50
  And then when you no longer have to sneak around the one, that's
• 12:54
  the one of the foundational things of the relationship.
• 12:56
  Now it's no longer available. So now the relationship has
• 12:58
  gotten kind of boring. You see what I'm saying?
• 13:00
  That happens right there. Now we're bored now.
• 13:03
  The same boredom I felt at home initially that drove me to this
• 13:06
  cheating relationship is the same boredom that I'm feeling
• 13:10
  now with this person with you. You see how crazy you see how it
• 13:13
  came full circle right there, how crazy it is, how insane it
• 13:16
  is, how full circle that came. That's how it goes right there
• 13:19
  y'all. That's literally how it goes.
• 13:22
  So you got to be be careful and just tell think about that type
• 13:24
  of stuff right there. Been binge in your videos.
• 13:26
  Appreciate it. Both cheetahs are married.
• 13:29
  There you go. You give me hope.
• 13:31
  I hope I give you hope to to stay strong and protect your
• 13:34
  mental physical health y'all I hope that I hope that's the help
• 13:37
  I give you Living that double life is real, absolutely 100% is
• 13:42
  living a double life is absolutely real and so many
• 13:44
  people go through it and just it's crazy man.
• 13:48
  Can a narcissist really have moved on to turn the page not
• 13:50
  trying to Hoover you at all yeah some people some people leave
• 13:52
  you alone. Not every single narcissist
• 13:54
  hoovers right? Not every single narcissist
• 13:57
  Hoover. Some of them will disappear,
• 13:58
  leave you alone for good. I should send you this video of
• 14:01
  my my next my ex arguing. He is sure I watch it and
• 14:06
  realize how wrong I am. He was so mean he had me
• 14:07
  convinced I was an arson. You can e-mail it to me emails
• 14:10
  in the bio y'all, or you can find my e-mail at my website
• 14:13
  mentalillness.net. Anyway, y'all, I do got to hop
• 14:16
  off this thing. I appreciate y'all tuning in
• 14:18
  with me and ride with me for this little bit.
• 14:19
  I'll be live again maybe tomorrow, tomorrow, Saturday.
• 14:22
  I'll be live again tomorrow. Just check out turn turn your
• 14:24
  notifications on. If you're on YouTube and would
• 14:26
  not hit that subscribe button or Spotify whatnot as well, y'all
• 14:29
  hit the subscribe button and I am out.
• 14:32
  Iece didn't know.