Latest / Unlearning Beautiful / Ep. 13 Moving from Self-Loathing to Body Peace: Amy’s Transformation Story
Transcript
- speaker-0: I was at the point where I felt so much self-loathing. Every chair I sat in reminded me that my body was different from everyone else's. I couldn't relax. I was so uncomfortable. It completely interfered with my holiday. Those are the words of my guest today, Amy. For over 40 years, Amy was stuck in a cycle of dieting and body shame, feeling like she had to hide her body even from the people who loved her. Amy is a former coaching client of mine, and today her story is completely different. In this episode, we're pulling back the curtain on the work that we did together to move her past body shame and into body peace. We discuss why body positivity never really clicked for her, the exact moment on a family vacation that became her breaking point, and the profound perspective shift that allowed her to finally stop trying to fix her body and start living in it. So if you've been searching for a solution but still feel like nothing's changed, Amy's journey from desperation to deep internal comfort is a roadmap you've been waiting for. I'm really excited for you to hear this conversation. So let's dive in. Welcome to Unlearning Beautiful, a podcast for women tired of trying to look good enough and ready to feel good from within. I'm your host, Christina Bruce, here to help you let go of the pressure to look right or do it all right and reconnect with your inner guidance, your natural worth. and what truly makes you feel fulfilled. Because the freedom you're craving was never in how you look. Welcome, Amy. I'm so happy to have you on the podcast. So Amy, I would love it if you could start by sharing a bit about what your relationship was like with your body growing up. speaker-1: So great to be here. It's been a super long journey. I feel like I can remember from a pretty early age that I didn't feel like I really fit in body-wise with my immediate family. I would say it probably started around puberty and when your body starts to change as a young person. I looked around and it felt like my body was bigger just from the start. I mean, not as a small child, but as puberty happened, it just sort of started. to develop into a body that didn't look like the people around me. And so it felt really obvious to me. Internally, I felt a little bit different. And it wasn't a super negative thing at first. It was just something I felt. And then, of course, as time goes on and you take on your culture and your family's beliefs and all that, it really started to feel like something's not right or not normal or something like that. I grew up in Los Angeles, which is a very self-image conscious place. I grew up in a family that was highly critical of weight issues. So everywhere I turned, it felt like people were talking about diets, they were on a diet, they were watching what they ate, they were watching what us kids in the family ate. And it was just always there. Like it was always something that was a factor or like something that was always an issue. speaker-0: Did anyone in your family explicitly make comments to you about your body? speaker-1: Yeah, when I look back, see everyone in my mother's side of the family. They're very thin. So my grandmother was very thin and used to really get on my mom about don't gain weight or you're going to have trouble getting a job. My mom is a dancer. Then of course, as my body started to change, my mom did make comments. When I think back about what I would have heard from my mom, it was, it always felt sort of like an undertone of You should be eating that or you better, you should probably watch it. Like you should probably pay attention. I remember once very specifically, I was wearing a jacket, like a blazer, and I felt like it was a little too tight in the arms. And she said, well, that's what happens when your back starts to get, I don't think she used the word fat, but it was basically a very clear message of like, well, it doesn't fit right because you've gained weight. And so it was just, She wasn't, she's not the kind of mom who would be so overt to be like, you have to do this and what are you doing? And that's ridiculous. I had an aunt that does that and did that to her daughter. But my mom was more passive aggressive about it in a way. And I just could tell it made her uncomfortable because now I understand she in her own belief system was worried about me. She was worried, ⁓ you're... not going to make it in life. You're going to have trouble. People are going to look at you differently out of love, but it felt bad. speaker-0: That's a real key thing to notice is oftentimes these comments come from family members because they have interpreted and received the belief that fat is bad or wrong and thin is good. so, well, they love their kids and they want the best for they see it as trying to protect you and yet not realizing that. you know, that it's hurtful, but because they were hurt by it too at some point. And so they're feeling the pain of it. And so they don't want that pain for their children. So you would receive the messaging from living in this culture, from in the family. When you were really in it and feeling insecure in your body growing up, like, and this might've been as you started to become an adult, what would you say your relationship? speaker-1: Crazy. speaker-0: with your body was like in your adulthood. speaker-1: It went through some really rocky times. When I look back when I was younger, like 20, 30, I was constantly going up and down in my weight. From a really early age, I learned what a diet was and started that. I was far too young to be doing that, but I was doing that. I don't think it ever tipped over and said it wasn't super dangerous, but it was not smart. So I was constantly trying to control it. And there were times when I felt Like I had it under control and I was doing good and then something would happen and my lifestyle would change and I would gain weight and so that was constant. And I moved away from home after college and I remember feeling like every time I would come home to visit, like two or three weeks before, I would almost stop eating because in my family, people will comment if you look good but they won't comment if they think that you look bad. So I always wanted to get that, ⁓ you're looking good, you know. Because if I didn't get that, it felt like such a, ⁓ it was just depressing, you know? So that was many, many years. And then, I don't know, I just, I sort of went back and forth between, this is just me. Like I sort of found the body positivity kind of angle feeling like I wanna identify with that, like I wanna accept myself, but I couldn't 100 % because this conditioning or whatever it was, that voice kept coming in going, ⁓ it's just an excuse. people really don't feel okay if they're overweight, like come on. So that, until I emailed you and took that step, I would go back and forth. I really wanted to feel at peace because nothing, wasn't changing. I could lose some weight and it didn't make me happy. It wasn't fixing anything, no one noticed. Maybe clothes felt different, but it wasn't what I was looking for. So there was a lot of back and forth and... confusing feelings. Like, I didn't know how to think of my body. Like, I didn't. In some ways, I wanted to be like, I'm proud. Like, yeah, this is me. And then in other ways, I was like, no. speaker-0: So then it's really fairly recent that you started to open up to the idea of accepting your body or making peace with your body, would you say? speaker-1: Yeah, I would say that's probably true. Five or more. Yeah, I remember I was searching for books. Like about, you know, went from diet books and how do you change yourself books to like how do you accept the body that you have books. And I'm sure I have at least 10 of them in my Kindle and I don't think I ever read through a whole one. I was just really searching for peace. speaker-0: And when did that happen for you? Like around how old were you when that search started? speaker-1: I think, let's see, I got married when I was 44. I got married later. And I feel like it started after that. I'm sure I had feelings of that throughout. Like, how do I just feel okay? How do I just feel acceptance? But it always went towards why I have to fit myself into what society thinks is acceptable. And then it just got so exhausting to do that. That's when I, I don't know if I saw something, but I would probably say like in the last 10 years. that I did that came. speaker-0: You were saying that you got married and I'm curious, how was the relationship with your body and your partner? Was he more accepting of your body than you were? Or, you know, what kind of came up in that dynamic? speaker-1: think that's partly part of the reason why I I started down that path a little bit more. He's always just an accepting guy. sometimes I think to myself, do I really know what he thinks? What would he really say? But we've been together for, I don't know, 13 whatever years. And ⁓ he just loves me. And again, I've probably fluctuated within the time we've been together. And he wants me to feel good. I still go, really? That's so great. If I feel relaxed and happy, then I think he's beyond. I don't know if he ever thought, ⁓ she's not really my type, but I love her. He's never said anything like that to me. I noticed in an intimate relationship, I did feel super self-conscious and still do sometimes. That has been... That's so ingrained. Certainly it's so much better, but ⁓ that was a factor. And so of course, when we first got married, I was still trying to figure out how to lose weight. Like it's always has been that way. But it's more about, I just want to accept myself because he does accept me. And I wish I at that point had the ability to do it how he did it, but I was so critical. speaker-0: You know, also, I think it's important to bring that aspect up because in the one hand, people who aren't with a partner can end up thinking, well, nobody would want me in the body that I am, and so I need to lose weight or look different. And yet in my experience and the experience of talking to a lot of clients is their partners accept them for who they are. It's never the body. Like, that's not the thing that's going to make a relationship. And I always say that too, like, do you want to be with somebody who only likes you for how you look? they're not really liking you for who you are then. It's also to show too that there is that, it's that self-acceptance piece. It's the deeper piece within that's crucial because no amount of love that somebody is giving you, yes, you want to be with somebody who's loving you. And it can still feel so hard sometimes to receive and accept that love. It's why I always say people can't make you feel a certain way. It's why if somebody's telling you you're so beautiful and I love you, there's something within that's blocking the feeling of that because the feeling always is generated from within. And so that's why we have to look inward. And I think why you kept going down that path of this has got to be about self-acceptance. because no amount of love from my husband, accepts me totally as I am, is doing it. speaker-1: It's exactly. ⁓ speaker-0: Yeah, and no amount of external validation is going to do it. So even if you did lose the weight and you got the external validation, that's still not going to cut it if you're not accepting yourself from within. speaker-1: Yes, 100%. And I think in retrospect, that's exactly what was happening. But I couldn't quite figure out how to do that. That was the part that was really isolating in a way because I didn't know how to talk about it. It was very shameful to talk about how I felt about my body. even with my husband, this was not like an open dialogue, you know? It was really hard for me. speaker-0: And you're certainly not alone in that because I know when I've worked with clients, they've often said, I've never talked about this to anybody before. There's nobody in my life I can speak to about this. It sounds like that was the case for you. speaker-1: Yes, and where I'm sitting now, think, that's so sad. I mean, you can't go back and you did things how you did them. I wish that that would have been easier for me to do. I mean, I had my best friend, I could talk to her, but just there was not 100 % openness about this is how I feel. Because I felt like it drew more attention to myself that I didn't want. So it was really tricky. Yeah. speaker-0: So you were saying that you had been trying dieting and losing the weight and gaining the weight and realizing nothing was really working. You had started getting books and coming more into body positivity. What would you say was the point that made you realize, got to do something else. I got to go a little bit deeper. speaker-1: I can remember it very specifically, but I just want to say about the body positivity. It never clicked. It was like it was another rabbit hole of trying to figure something out, but it wasn't solving anything. I would have like glimpses of, yeah, I want to feel like that. I want to feel like this is me, but it never felt like that. So I just would say that because it didn't help me along the way. It was just something I was searching for. I know if that makes sense. speaker-0: Was there anything about it that did help you? speaker-1: Yeah, it helped me to hear other women and to see other women be so bold. Like to see women doing that, it felt like, wow, that's how cool that they feel so comfortable in their bodies. But I could never find that for myself. So I guess why I say that is like, didn't help. Like it was helpful in a way that I was like, wow, that's so cool that other people are doing that, but I couldn't translate it to myself. speaker-0: So it opened you up to the possibility that this is something that exists, that there are women out there in larger bodies who don't meet the societal beauty standard who are posting freely and openly on social media and claiming that for themselves, but how do I get there? that, I'm not, this isn't, it's great for them, but maybe not for me. Yeah. So when did that click for you? speaker-1: Yeah, that's how it is. Yeah. Yeah, that's how it is. So I was following you on Instagram and I have no idea how you came across in my feed, but I loved your messages and your videos. for the first time, really something really resonated, but I still couldn't make the move to like, I knew you did coaching and all of that. And I thought, okay, I'm gonna do that. I'm gonna, I'm totally gonna do that. And it took a while. I guess I probably followed you for like six months before. And we were on a family vacation. My husband's family, they go to Greece every year. And I felt so uncomfortable in my body with all these other people. Like more than I had in so long. I was at the point where I was just like really feeling so much self loathing. It completely interfered with my... holiday. I was not relaxed. I was feeling so uncomfortable. Like every chair I sat in made me feel reminded that my body's so much different than someone else. It sort of was like the boiling point. And I thought, my gosh, this is affecting a lovely holiday. What is going on here? So that's when I thought I just need to talk about it. Like I need to figure something out. And talking to you really was the first experience I had in 40 years that I've been having this go through my mind that I felt I could talk about it. And I'm sure even that first call was like, ⁓ my gosh, it's so weird to have that experience to do something you never thought you'd be able to do. Sounds like such a big deal, but it really was. Like it really was a big deal. speaker-0: And were there fears that were present for you before we started our work together or even maybe, you know, in the early sessions when we were doing work? speaker-1: Yeah, for sure. It's super vulnerable. Shame is a huge component of this for me, or has been. And so that just is uncomfortable. However, you put me at ease to a point that I didn't feel uncomfortable speaking to you about it. It was more the fact that I was just used to being uncomfortable talking about it. I think had I not felt comfortable with you, I couldn't have gone any farther. I think it would have been too much. speaker-0: all carrying so much of the same thing. And it's like Brene Brown talking about shame can't stand the light, essentially. Once you bring it into the light, it's going to start to dissipate. But it takes a lot of courage to do that. And so I do often say to clients, it takes courage to do this work. So acknowledge yourself for this courage. And also acknowledge that you have a big heart. Because there is that self-love that brings you to do this work because this is an act of self-love to dissolve these beliefs and self-judgments and to meet yourself where you are with that compassion. And it takes courage because shame tries to talk you out of it. speaker-1: appreciate that being this far out and it's still, it's always a journey, but it's true when I look back, I think I was at such a point where I don't want to say desperation, but I was like, something has changed. Like I, this just cannot be the way I go on. But that is wanting something for myself and caring for myself. I'm not sure I saw it that way in the beginning. And I know you told me that in the beginning because it was very validating and very normal. I felt like, okay, that could almost make me cry. Like I'm reaching out to someone who completely understands what I'm about to say. There was nowhere else in my life that I felt that way. speaker-0: During the coaching process, was there something specifically like a concept or a session where something really clicked for you? speaker-1: when we first started working together, I was trying to find a place to put this experience and these feelings outside myself. And at first, that feels good because I don't have to associate with that. And you said something to me like, what if it's just all included? For whatever reason, that made so much sense to me. It was like a light bulb went off, which sounds kind of counterintuitive, like you sort of wanted to be outside yourself because it's painful and it's not. helpful and you're so frustrated and I just wanted to push it away and find a solution, like I wanted a solution. Then you said, what if it's included? And it deflated the shittiness of it, like it deflated the pain of it in some way that I didn't quite understand, but there was a light bulb in that. It just was like, ⁓ that's just a part of it. Like it's just a part of my human experience or however you want to say it. And then, and then as we got further, there was a exercise we did about realizing where it comes from. And I'm not going to remember how you, walked me through that. It was like, it was like realizing this has nothing to do with me. Does that make sense? Where it came from is not my own. And that felt like a, like the next big mind blowing. Experience. it was like, it's part of my human experience to be, to have been raised in this city with these parents and this family. But it's not like essentially who I am. It's something that I feel like was downloaded into my experience. I have feelings around it and I experienced feelings around it. But beyond that, there is nothing else. It doesn't hold anything other than thoughts and feelings. I settled a bit too out there. speaker-0: Well, and I mean, the truth is, is you had a real deep insight. You had a real deep insight that the human experience is actually not really who you are, that there is a deeper sense of self. And I actually started to get into this a little bit more in episode 11 of this podcast. There is an awareness or an observer that is untouched. by the thoughts, feelings, and elements of the human experience that when you are able to access that aspect of yourself enables you to handle the human experience much better. Does that make sense? speaker-1: Totally, yeah. And I'm still getting it. Like, we're so consumed by this experience. I mean, it's always at you. And whether I'm here in the middle of LA, being around the vibe of everyone, beauty conscious and all that, or I'm on a mountain in the middle of nowhere, my thoughts are still what has been circulating. And when it comes to this issue, there's something so freeing about knowing it's not my fault. Like there's nothing I've done wrong or that I could have done differently. Like that, when I talk about the relief, feels really huge. huge. Which is why this is so different. Like there doesn't need to be a solution. Like I don't need to fix something, you know? whether my body changes or not because I want to be healthy or whatever, that has nothing to do with it anymore. Like, do you know what mean? Like the fixing of the image of who I am. speaker-0: Yeah, because you're not attached. You're not so attached anymore to the concept or idea that who I am as a person being good or bad or right or wrong or worthy or valuable is based on my body, how I am. All of these ideas that we've been told is what makes us a good person or a bad person. The look of the body and appearance being one of the big ones in our life. When you are not attached to that anymore and you've accessed that inherent sense of worth and value within and are anchored in that place more, or at least can switch to it, because we still get caught up in that mind and that story, but you now have a place to land that's different than that. And so when you are completely identified with the story of who I think I am and what's right or wrong or good or bad, The only solution to feel better is to quote unquote fix yourself. But when you see that actually that's all a story, that's not really who you are. And you can anchor into that true essence of yourself. You're able to let that go now and be like, ⁓ yeah, there's nothing to fix. That's just a story that I had been conditioned with or my mind is churning up right now. speaker-1: That's exactly it. And that's such a relief. It's such a huge relief. speaker-0: It's been a couple years since we've worked together and had you had this experience. What would you say you've noticed has changed for you? Like what's been different? speaker-1: One of the ways this really affected me is when I was in the world with other people because that's when I felt like there were other people to either compare myself to or who would be judging me or who I was in relation to. On my own, it was easier to accept myself. Being with other people is much easier. Sometimes those thoughts just will like bubble up and I'm able to go, ⁓ look at that, where I wasn't able to do that before. feel so much freer to be able to be around people and know that we're all different and it's all, everyone has their own stories and if someone's judging me or not, it has nothing to do with me. In those ways, it pulls really good. And it's most especially with my family. We don't have long conversations about it, but it's not just an elephant in the room. It's like this feeling of where you feel like you have to hide yourself and I don't feel that way anymore. Like I may wear clothes that I wouldn't wear before. that I thought, I have to hide myself. Like, all of that is gone, which I never in a million years thought it could be. Ever, ever, ever, ever. Yeah, so that's really good. speaker-0: And what would you say has changed for you then internally? Like how are you seeing it different now? Your body, the thoughts from before? speaker-1: I do notice that I'm trying to figure out how to put that into words. Acceptance is not the right word, but that's close. Like it's more comfort. I feel more comfortable in myself. I think there was, for the majority of my life, I would avoid looking in the mirror. ⁓ I had an aversion to myself in a way. And I... don't feel that way. Is it 100 %? Like I'm like, no, there are things where I feel like, you know, this feels like, and as I age, like I have pains here and there. This sounds so cliche, but I have a better relationship with my body. I feel like I want to take care of it as opposed to fix it. And that is the first time I've really ever felt that way. So it has nothing to do with I'm smaller or bigger, but what is going to make me healthy, healthier to be? live happier. Again, if I would have heard someone say that a couple years ago, I would have been like, ⁓ whatever. But I do feel that way. Like, I do. So it is possible. speaker-0: Yeah, that's really beautiful. And would you say that the insights and what shifted for you and our work together, would you say that it's continued to deepen as time has gone on versus, well, this is like a technique and I've used it now I forget it and it's gone, or is it kind of just getting better as it goes along? speaker-1: It's getting better. It was a complete like paradigm shift. It doesn't mean that feelings don't come. Like they do. Who cares? I mean, do you know what I mean? It's like, I see it so differently now. If I feel uncomfortable one day, I don't have to go, ⁓ no, now it's all over. Like, ⁓ I lost everything. I didn't. That is, that's what's really different. So it feels like all those shifts that happened over time, I couldn't have done it all at once, have shifted all of it, you know? Yeah. speaker-0: That's really beautiful. I love that. Is there anything that you would want to say to someone who is listening to this, who's on this journey, who maybe is getting to that point like you had of, I've been trying everything, nothing's working, or even earlier. Maybe they're earlier and they're not quite there yet. speaker-1: I would say, I'm trying to think if someone would told me this if I would have listened, you can't get it all immediately. No matter how old you are, how ingrained and how much time has been spent believing these things and coming to this feeling about yourself that it takes time for each little piece of gold to settle in. That definitely was something that helped me along the way, but it's easy to look back and say that. It's okay that it's a process. I wanted to fix for so many years that I just thought, okay, I just have to now give it time and I was ready for that. The other thing I would say is it did take me a while to reach out because it's a hard thing to talk about. And I would say, don't judge yourself for that. It's gonna come where one day you're gonna send an email or you're gonna book a session. It just came at the right time for me and it was the perfect. time to do that and be able to talk to you about this stuff. There's no place that I have ever felt so heard and safe. And so I want people to hear that it was okay. And then it was time. Yeah. speaker-0: Well, I appreciate you sharing that and saying that. And to whoever resonates, know? It could be me, it could be somebody else. But if you're listening to this, you're drawn to this, you're resonating with this, like, what would you say to just keep in the direction of it? speaker-1: Yeah, yeah. If it's something that resonates, which I cannot imagine how it can't because to me it was so clear, even though it took me little while to reach out. Just keep listening. It is a process and you have made it this far to be listening to this message. Like that's a huge thing to like be listening to this message instead of the kajillion other messages out there, you know? So keep... keep listening. That's what really speaker-0: Especially if somebody's listened all the way to the end of this. speaker-1: Right? Right, because it's a commitment. It is in this busy life. speaker-0: Yeah, you're so right. love that you said that, you know, that you're listening to this even though there's all the noise out there, like that matters. And I think I probably even had said this to you and I say it to a lot of my clients. When we do this work and I share these perspectives and insights, it's like planting seeds. You can't force when that first seed is going to sprout. But if you're there, if you're receiving the seeds, if we're watering them and we're putting sunlight on them, something will click at some point. and to just trust that that will happen and unfold in the right time. speaker-1: Yeah, it will. It totally will. Because we've done too much like forcing. We all have. All of us who struggle with this, it's like you just get panicked. And I remember I talked to you a lot about that, I would get these senses of panic. And then I finally could identify them as, okay, that's the way I used to think about it. If I'm feeling panicked, something's not lining up. You know? You're worth the patience. I'm worth the patience. That makes a big difference. Yeah. speaker-0: That's beautiful. Well, thanks so much, Amy, for taking the time to share your story and for being on this podcast. I imagine a lot of people listening to this are going to resonate with your story. They're going to hear themselves in it and hopefully know that change is possible. If you heard yourself and Amy's story today, the years of trying, the exhaustion, feeling like there has to be another way, I want you to know the piece she found is available to you too. This work isn't about fixing your body, it's about finally coming home to yourself. So if you're tired of looking for yet another solution and you're ready to try a path that actually leads to peace, I'd love to connect with you. Click the link in the description below to book a free body peace clarity call to discuss what coaching together could look like for you. Like Amy said, you'll know when it's time. And maybe that time is right now. All right, I'll see you in the next episode. Thanks for listening to Unlearning Beautiful. If this episode resonated with you, follow the show and share it with another woman who's ready to see beauty and herself in a new way. And if you feel moved, leave a rating and review. It will help the show reach more women who need to hear it. Remember, you're already everything you've been trying to become, enough worthy and free. I'm Christina Bruce. Until next time.