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Letting Go After Divorce (of someone you still love) · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation, and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: These are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce, or reorganising life afterwards.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warren Tree people of the Coolin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, hello, welcome to this week's episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: All about letting go.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: That knowing something wasn't right doesn't automatically mean you instantly stop missing it, craving it, even wanting it on a certain level.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: And that doesn't mean that you're doing this wrong or you're not healed.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: You can be absolutely certain that you made the correct decision or the right choice was made for you by someone else.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: You can even be grateful for that decision, the specific ending, and still hope for a message, a text, miss the small, simple things.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: Still ache for the ritual or the random Tuesday phone call that isn't coming.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: Both things can be and often are true at once.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: That it's done, it's over, it's the right decision, and you still miss it.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: Neither one of those cancels the other out.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Both things can be and often are true at the same time.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Your heart sometimes knows something before your mind is ready to catch up to it.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: Or vice versa, sometimes, right?
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: So don't push those feelings away or look at it as evidence, treat it as proof that you've got this wrong.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's an invitation to get curious about it instead, right?
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: And this is the part of today's episode that I'd invite you to actually sit with, mull over, think about, not just listen and then let it go.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: Bring your curiosity and ask yourself some questions if this is what you're feeling, if this is or have felt in the past.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: Ask things like, what do I actually miss about this?
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: What do I miss about this particular person?
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: Not that sort of general vague shape of them.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: Get really specific.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: Was it, or is it, is it, I should say?
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: Is it the way they made you laugh at certain things?
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: Is it the particular quiet ease of being in a space in a room with them and not needing to show up or perform or do or be anything other than who you really are?
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: What specifically do you miss about this person?
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: Get really clear on the exact specific things.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: Next, ask, what did they teach me?
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: What must what was my learning from being in relationship with them, with that particular person at that particular time?
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I think this next one's harder and it might or might not be relevant to you, but I think for many of us, after a significant relationship ends, it's it's a question worth considering, one worth asking ourselves.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: What are they still teaching me even now from a distance in their absence?
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: What are they still teaching me?
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: What am I still learning?
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: And if you are in this still missing them, or it pops up episodically, was it really them?
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: Are you really missing that person, or are you missing how it felt, how you felt when you were with them?
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: And this is a question that sort of unravels most of it if if you let it, if you get curious and dig into it and uncover your own answers.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we're not actually missing the person at all.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: What we're missing is a version of ourselves that only seemed to exist in that container, in that relationship, in that person's company.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: So was it really them?
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Is it really that person that you're missing, or is it a version of you?
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: What do I miss most about myself?
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: The version of me that existed when I was with them, when I was living in that relationship, when I was living in that particular container?
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: Were you funnier then, braver, softer?
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: Did you take up more space?
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Did you take up less space?
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Dig really deeply here and sit with this honestly, because your answer tells you something you can't um you can't access or you can't get to any other way.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: What do I miss about myself, that version of me that existed when I was with that person?
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: And could those same qualities, feelings, could they exist again?
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, I'm talking about in relationship with someone else, or and this is one that might feel sticky, tricky, that you might resist a little bit, in me on my own, without needing another person to draw it out of me?
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: How can I create that or those things, that version of me that I miss from being in relationship with this other person?
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: How can you I create that, consciously create that in my life now, starting today?
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: What does that look like?
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: What does that mean for my choices, my decisions, my behaviors, what I say yes to, what I say no to?
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: How can I consciously create that and bring her back?
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: And the question underneath sort of all of it is this feeling, this longing, this missing, this grief.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: What is this here to teach me?
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: Is it here to teach me something more, more than it already has?
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: Or am I finally ready to actually move through it and let it go?
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: And be really clear about what you're actually letting go of.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself which one this really is, because letting go is doing a lot of work in that sentence.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: What are you actually letting go of?
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: And it's rarely as simple or as easy a process as it sounds, right?
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: Are you letting go of them?
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: The actual person, flaws and all exactly as they were.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: Are you letting go of that person?
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Or are you letting go of who you were when you were with them?
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: The version of you that laughed easier, felt chosen, or hadn't yet learned what you know now, that version, that younger, earlier, previous version of you.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe what you're letting go of is who you hoped they would become, who you thought they had the potential to become, the version that maybe you kept waiting for, kept hoping for, but never quite arrived.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're that's what you're actually letting go of, or who you're letting go of.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's who you thought you could become in relationship with them, a future self, a future built around them, their presence, being in relationship with them, and now you have to figure out how to build that alone.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe it's who you thought you would or could become in relationship to them, with them.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: Most of my clients, most people I work with, are grieving or working to let go of some combination of all four.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: They're letting go of them, the actual person, letting go of who you were, who they were when in relationship with this other person, letting go of who they thought their partner, the other person would become, letting go of that potential, and then also letting go of who they thought they could become in relationship with that other person, the future self stuff.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: And that's not failure, that's not doing it wrong, that's not failing to grieve or let go or release yourself properly or fully or well.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: That is just what it actually looks like, right?
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: You are absolutely allowed to hold both things as true.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: You are allowed to miss someone and still know that you did the right thing by stepping out of that container away from that relationship or ending it or having it end.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: Those two things can both be true and real and not contradictory.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: No matter how much it feels like they should be, they should contradict one another, but they can both be true at the same time.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: Missing someone, the missing isn't a sign that you've got it wrong.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's just what healing, what love actually looks like, what it feels like after it's over.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to fill the gap, you don't have to resolve it or rush it or explain it to anyone.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't need to make perfect sense.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: You just need to keep asking the questions until you know, you know clearly which parts you're actually grieving and what you're letting go.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: And keep asking those questions of yourself until you really have let it go and you've moved through it to the end.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for being here.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: If you know somebody that might benefit from listening to this or might find it supportive or helpful, please share it with them.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's the way we get the podcast into the ears of so many more who need to hear it and need to feel held in this community that is Reflect, Reclaim, and Liberate.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: Until next week, bye for now.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: Until then,