Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #896 And The Award Goes To... Not You
Transcript
- 0:03Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the.
- 0:07Speaker 2: Time poor parent who just wants answers.
- 0:10Speaker 1: Now, Well, it's that time of the year. We've got
- 0:12Speaker 1: kids going to awards, nights, assemblies, or the end of
- 0:16Speaker 1: year's ceremonies. Whether they're in primary school or high school,
- 0:19Speaker 1: whether you're in a private school, Catholic school, a Christian school,
- 0:23Speaker 1: a public school, this is the time of the year
- 0:25Speaker 1: where schools reflect and reward what's gone well during the year. Kylie,
- 0:32Speaker 1: we have sat through so many of these with our
- 0:34Speaker 1: six kids over the years, and it's kind of natural
- 0:38Speaker 1: when you see all the other kids walking up on
- 0:42Speaker 1: the stage to get their merit awards and their badges
- 0:46Speaker 1: or to be awarded the prefect or school captain or
- 0:49Speaker 1: house captain labels to feel a little bit disappointed when
- 0:52Speaker 1: your kids are sitting there at the front of the
- 0:55Speaker 1: hall and they're not being caught up to the stage,
- 0:58Speaker 1: and it's disappointing not just for us as parents, but
- 1:02Speaker 1: it's also disappointing for the kids, Like you can see
- 1:04Speaker 1: it on their faces. They're craving the recognition that their
- 1:06Speaker 1: peers or some of their peers are getting, and they're
- 1:09Speaker 1: not getting it today, I want to talk about this
- 1:12Speaker 1: particular issue.
- 1:13Speaker 2: I remember when our eldest children were young, we had
- 1:18Speaker 2: a lot of awards. Back in those early days, they
- 1:21Speaker 2: were recognized for lots of different things, and I won't lie,
- 1:26Speaker 2: it was really nice.
- 1:27Speaker 1: Feels nice.
- 1:27Speaker 2: Just seeing my kid up there feels nice. And as
- 1:30Speaker 2: more kids came along, less awards. Became a parent and
- 1:35Speaker 2: I wonder whether those wards are more about the parents'
- 1:38Speaker 2: participation in their children's lives or whether it is actually
- 1:42Speaker 2: about the kids. But regardless, I think as our ideas
- 1:46Speaker 2: around education and awards and all of that has changed
- 1:49Speaker 2: over the years, it's less of a pinch point for me.
- 1:53Speaker 2: I kind of find those award nights quite hollow in
- 1:55Speaker 2: lots of ways because there is such a limited scope
- 2:00Speaker 2: to what we are celebrating in our children, and academics
- 2:05Speaker 2: is such a small, teeny tiny part of who our
- 2:08Speaker 2: children are, and there's only so many awards that go out.
- 2:14Speaker 2: So when I look at an awards night, often we
- 2:17Speaker 2: attend and there'll be maybe two, three, four kids who
- 2:21Speaker 2: just seem to be up getting every award. And as
- 2:26Speaker 2: I've sat there and I've looked at it, it's occurred
- 2:29Speaker 2: to me that out of a school of two thousand kids,
- 2:32Speaker 2: you're trying to tell me that four or five kids
- 2:34Speaker 2: are the only kids working really hard. It just doesn't
- 2:37Speaker 2: sit with me.
- 2:38Speaker 1: Well, I want to run through a couple of things
- 2:40Speaker 1: that kind of get under my skin around these awards ceremonies,
- 2:44Speaker 1: and I'm going to be pretty blunt about it and
- 2:46Speaker 1: use research science to support what I'm saying. But then
- 2:49Speaker 1: I think we also have to acknowledge that the system
- 2:51Speaker 1: is what it is. It's not going to change well
- 2:54Speaker 1: in most schools, most places, and so therefore we need
- 2:56Speaker 1: as parents to be equipped to know how to help
- 2:58Speaker 1: our children to handle the disappoint that they experienced when
- 3:01Speaker 1: they don't receive an award, especially if they thought that
- 3:03Speaker 1: they might have been in with a shot. And by
- 3:06Speaker 1: the same token, how we can deal with our own
- 3:08Speaker 1: disappointment when we thought our kids might have been within
- 3:10Speaker 1: a shot and they didn't get it, and we're kind
- 3:11Speaker 1: of going, yeah, let's smile while everyone else and clapped
- 3:15Speaker 1: for everyone else's kids and nothing happens. So I've got
- 3:19Speaker 1: some problems with rewards generally, and this actually happened for
- 3:22Speaker 1: us just recently. I haven't told you this or not
- 3:25Speaker 1: so this is a scoop on air. We were nominated
- 3:27Speaker 1: for the second year in a row to win the
- 3:29Speaker 1: Best Parenting Podcast in Australia Award at the recent Australian
- 3:33Speaker 1: Podcast Awards, and for the second year in a row,
- 3:35Speaker 1: we were one of the top finalists, but we missed
- 3:37Speaker 1: out on the gold that went to somebody else. And
- 3:39Speaker 1: part of me is just going why, Like, we do
- 3:42Speaker 1: a really great podcast and people really like the podcast,
- 3:44Speaker 1: and we get lots and lots of downloads and we
- 3:45Speaker 1: get so much great feedback, and it's about that. This
- 3:48Speaker 1: is the problem with rewards. It shifted me when I
- 3:51Speaker 1: found out that we were finalist again and didn't make
- 3:53Speaker 1: it again. Shifted me away from the focus of what
- 3:55Speaker 1: I'm really trying to achieve with this podcast, and it
- 3:56Speaker 1: has nothing to do with winning an award. The award
- 3:58Speaker 1: is so we don't sit here and think how can
- 4:02Speaker 1: we win an award?
- 4:03Speaker 2: Well, as you're telling me this, you told me that
- 4:06Speaker 2: we'd be nominated, and it kind of went in one
- 4:08Speaker 2: air and out the other because it doesn't really matter.
- 4:10Speaker 2: It's not going to change the way we do things.
- 4:13Speaker 2: So I haven't been waiting with pated breath to find
- 4:16Speaker 2: out whether or not we actually made it through or not.
- 4:18Speaker 1: Let's talk about some of the problems with rewards. Number one.
- 4:21Speaker 1: I'm actually going to make the argument that rewards are
- 4:23Speaker 1: a punishment in and of themselves to the other ninety
- 4:26Speaker 1: nine percent. So rewards a mutually exclusive Not everybody can
- 4:29Speaker 1: get one. And of course we have a culture where
- 4:30Speaker 1: if everybody does get a participation trophy, if everybody does
- 4:33Speaker 1: get a prize, everyone really gets upset about that. It's like, no,
- 4:36Speaker 1: we can only reward excellence, we can't reward mediocrity. And
- 4:39Speaker 1: so because awards by their very nature are exclusive, what
- 4:43Speaker 1: happens is that they start to feel more like a
- 4:47Speaker 1: punishment for everybody else. They really appeal to the top
- 4:50Speaker 1: one percent or the top two percent, or whatever it
- 4:52Speaker 1: might be. Like you said, you've got a school of
- 4:54Speaker 1: hundreds or even thousands of kids, and it's the same
- 4:57Speaker 1: ten kids across the school that are scooping up all
- 5:01Speaker 1: of the awards and winning everything. There are so many
- 5:04Speaker 1: solid performers that are overlooked, and I think this has
- 5:08Speaker 1: a really significant impact on motivation for both those who
- 5:12Speaker 1: are the high achievers but also those who are not
- 5:16Speaker 1: getting the awards. It's very very rare that a student
- 5:19Speaker 1: goes I didn't get the award, but next year, I'm
- 5:22Speaker 1: gonna get it. I'm going to do everything I can.
- 5:24Speaker 1: I'm going to make sure that it's me next year. Granted,
- 5:26Speaker 1: some do, but the vast majority don't. The vast majority
- 5:31Speaker 1: feel dispirited because they can't compete with the cool kids,
- 5:34Speaker 1: or the smart kids, or the sporty kids, or the
- 5:36Speaker 1: humanitarian award kids who just seem to know how to
- 5:39Speaker 1: inject themselves into the community and do good things well.
- 5:43Speaker 2: And not only that, they actually know what effort they've
- 5:46Speaker 2: put in themselves better than anyone else does. Teachers are amazing,
- 5:52Speaker 2: absolutely amazing, hands down doing it such a good job,
- 5:55Speaker 2: but their perspective.
- 5:57Speaker 1: Is different, and they can't possibly be expected to know
- 6:00Speaker 1: everything that's exactly wrong. Ought to be able to measure
- 6:03Speaker 1: effectively the degree of difficulty required for a student to
- 6:08Speaker 1: get to a certain level. So this brings me to
- 6:11Speaker 1: the two other main points that I wanted to make. Okay,
- 6:13Speaker 1: So number one, there's the impact on relationships. So the
- 6:17Speaker 1: kids who aren't getting the awards, they often not always,
- 6:20Speaker 1: but often we'll look at the kids who are getting
- 6:22Speaker 1: the awards and there can be a little bit of
- 6:23Speaker 1: tall poppy syndrome, a little bit of sour grapes, our gripes,
- 6:26Speaker 1: whatever it is. They're sort of looking at the kids
- 6:28Speaker 1: and going, oh, they're just so much better. And relationships
- 6:31Speaker 1: can feel uncomfortable, especially when competitiveness is brought into it,
- 6:35Speaker 1: but also feeling judged by teachers, whether we want it
- 6:40Speaker 1: to happen or not. A side effect can be that
- 6:43Speaker 1: kids can feel like the teacher doesn't get them, and
- 6:46Speaker 1: the relationships can really be harmed. Furthermore, relationships can be
- 6:50Speaker 1: harmed at home when parents are saying, but you just
- 6:52Speaker 1: need to work harder, and then parents start to push
- 6:55Speaker 1: the kids and the kids start to rebel. So rewards
- 6:58Speaker 1: and awards and I'm not saying this happens universally, but
- 7:02Speaker 1: they can really backfire in relationships. But picking up even
- 7:07Speaker 1: more on the theme that we've kind of I guess
- 7:09Speaker 1: has threaded everything that you and I both said. Ultimately,
- 7:12Speaker 1: rewards and awards are ignoring reasons. So why is it
- 7:18Speaker 1: that there are a handful of kids or a handful
- 7:21Speaker 1: of families that pick up all of the awards at
- 7:26Speaker 1: the end of the year. It could be because they're
- 7:29Speaker 1: just naturally talented. Some families just have sporting genes or
- 7:33Speaker 1: math's brains, or academic orientations some families. There is there
- 7:39Speaker 1: is a very clear relationship between income, having resources and time,
- 7:44Speaker 1: and children doing well at school. We know from napland
- 7:48Speaker 1: tests that you can tell which schools are going to
- 7:50Speaker 1: do well and which schools aren't going to do well
- 7:53Speaker 1: on napland not by the quality of the teachers, but
- 7:56Speaker 1: by the post code the school is in. There's simply
- 7:59Speaker 1: a relationship between income and education standards. It exists. It's undeniable.
- 8:05Speaker 1: It's really not very politically correct to say it, but
- 8:07Speaker 1: it's the reality, and so all the kids that are
- 8:09Speaker 1: getting the awards, especially when we're seeing the same families
- 8:12Speaker 1: represented quite often and again not always, but quite often,
- 8:15Speaker 1: this is a reflection of socioeconomic status, finances, resources, much
- 8:20Speaker 1: more than it's a reflection of children's natural ability or
- 8:26Speaker 1: what's happening in the education process. Furthermore, other reasons that
- 8:30Speaker 1: might be overlooked. We might be rewarding tiger parenting well.
- 8:34Speaker 2: I was about to say, there's enough anecdotal evidence over
- 8:38Speaker 2: the years of children who've achieved greatness but at the
- 8:43Speaker 2: cost of their relationships right with their parents because there
- 8:47Speaker 2: was never a choice that they wouldn't succeed.
- 8:51Speaker 1: So these rewards and awards might actually just be reinforcing
- 8:53Speaker 1: perfectionism on the part of either the parents or the
- 8:55Speaker 1: students or both, and so they might concerns with rewards.
- 8:59Speaker 1: There's some of my consents. There are more, but in
- 9:01Speaker 1: this podcast we don't have time to go through all
- 9:02Speaker 1: of them. Nevertheless, awards knights are going to continue in
- 9:06Speaker 1: spite of Doctor Justin Colson's concerns about them and preference
- 9:09Speaker 1: for us to not do them.
- 9:14Speaker 2: So my question is, then, is it okay to acknowledge excellence?
- 9:18Speaker 1: I love this question and the answer is yeah. But
- 9:21Speaker 1: the key word is acknowledge okay. And there's also developmental
- 9:24Speaker 1: reality to this. So when children are younger, they do
- 9:28Speaker 1: a lot less well around the idea of awards and rewards,
- 9:34Speaker 1: and it really can affect them. It can affect their
- 9:36Speaker 1: identity confect it really really affect the way they see
- 9:39Speaker 1: themselves as either being a loser, or being a smart kid,
- 9:43Speaker 1: or being a sporty kid, or being an unco kid,
- 9:47Speaker 1: or like kids put these names and way worse things
- 9:50Speaker 1: than what I've just said on themselves when they either
- 9:52Speaker 1: do or don't get the awards. So, from a developmental perspective,
- 9:56Speaker 1: once kids get into their mid teens, the much more
- 10:00Speaker 1: neurologically and emotionally ready to understand how this stuff works.
- 10:06Speaker 1: But bringing this into earlier childhood, I'm saying sort of
- 10:08Speaker 1: eleven or twelve and under, particularly primary school, there's just
- 10:11Speaker 1: no place for it. I don't think that it should
- 10:13Speaker 1: be there at all. Second thing you've said, is it
- 10:16Speaker 1: okay to acknowledge excellence? There's a difference between acknowledging excellence
- 10:21Speaker 1: and rewarding excellence, and to me, the word acknowledge is
- 10:25Speaker 1: critical here. Is it okay to acknowledge excellence? Absolutely it is.
- 10:28Speaker 1: It's okay to celebrate and be delighted about it. What's
- 10:31Speaker 1: even better, though, is to get the kids to acknowledge
- 10:33Speaker 1: it themselves so that they can see how they're progressing
- 10:35Speaker 1: and learning. Once we start bringing rewards in, we've moved
- 10:38Speaker 1: from not just acknowledging excellence but lifting it up and
- 10:43Speaker 1: creating a sense of exclusivity around it. And if we
- 10:46Speaker 1: can't get everybody else to that same level, I think
- 10:48Speaker 1: we have a problem. This is why I'm a big
- 10:50Speaker 1: fan of competency based education, because what we're saying is
- 10:54Speaker 1: we're not so interested in people being absolutely excellent right now.
- 10:58Speaker 1: We just want everybody to know how to do this
- 11:00Speaker 1: stuff and to be able to enjoy it, whether it's learning, reading, math, sports,
- 11:04Speaker 1: Let's just go and enjoy the process.
- 11:06Speaker 2: So I guess the question is, if we recognize that
- 11:09Speaker 2: the system's not going to change, we're going to have,
- 11:12Speaker 2: on a yearly basis, the vast majority of kids disappointed
- 11:17Speaker 2: because they're either not recognized or they feel harshly done
- 11:22Speaker 2: by because they've worked really really hard and should be
- 11:25Speaker 2: standing up there and being recognized and or not. So,
- 11:28Speaker 2: as parents, how do we navigate their disappointment and probably
- 11:31Speaker 2: sometimes ours?
- 11:32Speaker 1: So before I share, I've got five things and I'm
- 11:35Speaker 1: going to wiz through five things in like two minutes.
- 11:37Speaker 1: But before I do that, what have you specifically done
- 11:41Speaker 1: with our kids when perhaps I haven't been there because
- 11:45Speaker 1: I've been giving a talk somewhere, or they've come to
- 11:48Speaker 1: you and they've been disappointed themselves.
- 11:50Speaker 2: So I'm going to be completely honest, I actually don't
- 11:53Speaker 2: think that we've had a huge amount of disappointment in
- 11:55Speaker 2: our home in relation to this, And I think it's
- 11:57Speaker 2: primarily because we have not put the emphasis on awards
- 12:02Speaker 2: and rewards. What I feel we've been able to do
- 12:07Speaker 2: is foster a love of learning in our home and
- 12:11Speaker 2: encouragement of our kids working to their level of capacity
- 12:16Speaker 2: in any moment. There's an acknowledgment that from week to week,
- 12:20Speaker 2: month to month, our capacity changes based on whatever's happening
- 12:23Speaker 2: within our lives.
- 12:24Speaker 1: And I guess they've heard me talk for so many
- 12:25Speaker 1: years about how education does matter, but how you perform
- 12:28Speaker 1: at school isn't the most important thing in your life.
- 12:31Speaker 2: So what I've loved is even when the kids haven't
- 12:33Speaker 2: done as well as they would have hoped or wanted to,
- 12:37Speaker 2: they've been able to celebrate the fact that that, in
- 12:39Speaker 2: spite of the challenges they've been experiencing in their lives,
- 12:44Speaker 2: that they recognize that they've done a great job for
- 12:48Speaker 2: them for that moment in time.
- 12:50Speaker 1: Yeah, we do talk to them about this stuff a lot.
- 12:52Speaker 1: Five things in two minutes or less that I think
- 12:55Speaker 1: we can do if our children are disappointed or if
- 12:57Speaker 1: we're disappointed. At Number one, let's make sure that we
- 13:00Speaker 1: act consistent with what our values are, or at least
- 13:04Speaker 1: what we profess our values to be. What I mean
- 13:07Speaker 1: by that is so. One of my favorite studies to
- 13:10Speaker 1: site was a Harvard study done a handful of years
- 13:12Speaker 1: ago where researchers asked kids, do your parents care more
- 13:14Speaker 1: about your grades or more about your character? And the
- 13:16Speaker 1: kids said grades. They asked the parents, do you care
- 13:20Speaker 1: more about your kids' grades or more about your kid's character?
- 13:22Speaker 1: And the parents said character. There's a mix up in
- 13:27Speaker 1: the messaging here. Parents are saying I care about your character,
- 13:30Speaker 1: I care about who you are, I care about who
- 13:32Speaker 1: you're developing into. But the kids are only getting the
- 13:35Speaker 1: message you care about my performance at school.
- 13:38Speaker 2: And I guess that's where the conversations we have in
- 13:40Speaker 2: our home are so important. Yeah, the conversations we have
- 13:43Speaker 2: with our kids are all about character.
- 13:45Speaker 1: Yeah. Then the more we emphasize grades, the more we
- 13:47Speaker 1: emphasize academic outcomes, sporting outcomes, whatever it is, the more
- 13:51Speaker 1: we give our children the message that that's what matters.
- 13:54Speaker 1: Where our conversations are focused is where our children are
- 13:57Speaker 1: going to think that our values lie. Second thing, I
- 14:00Speaker 1: think that it's important to teach your kids to sit
- 14:03Speaker 1: with disappointment. That's life. Sometimes life doesn't work out well.
- 14:07Speaker 1: Sometimes you just can't win everything. Sometimes you don't get
- 14:10Speaker 1: to be up on stage getting the applause. In fact,
- 14:12Speaker 1: sometimes you never get to be the person who does that.
- 14:16Speaker 1: And the conversation then is, so what does that say
- 14:19Speaker 1: about you?
- 14:21Speaker 2: I think it's even more than that. I think it's
- 14:23Speaker 2: why are you doing it? If the only reason our
- 14:27Speaker 2: children are motivated to do something is because they're going
- 14:30Speaker 2: to get an award at the other end, then we've
- 14:33Speaker 2: actually done them a disservice because the idea that the
- 14:40Speaker 2: learning in and of itself is the reward. We learn,
- 14:43Speaker 2: we grow, we improve, we develop, that that's the reward.
- 14:48Speaker 2: And yet as a society we've actually taken that joy
- 14:53Speaker 2: out of learning and made it all about a piece
- 14:56Speaker 2: of paper.
- 14:57Speaker 1: The third thing that I would mention is I just
- 14:59Speaker 1: have chat with kids about talents. We've all got them,
- 15:03Speaker 1: what are we going to do with them? You mentioned
- 15:05Speaker 1: this earlier, Kylie. Schools recognize a very very very limited
- 15:12Speaker 1: array of talents. In fact, array is the wrong word,
- 15:15Speaker 1: because there are so few that are recognize. It's like
- 15:17Speaker 1: when you watch Australia's Got Talent and everyone gets up
- 15:19Speaker 1: and sings like there's a whole lot more talents out
- 15:22Speaker 1: there than being able to sing, there's the ability to
- 15:24Speaker 1: appreciate art. There's the ability to create art. There's the
- 15:28Speaker 1: ability to design. There's the ability to speak, There's the
- 15:31Speaker 1: ability to feel and comfort and lead, and like the
- 15:34Speaker 1: list is just as long as you want it to be.
- 15:36Speaker 1: There's all of these unique talents. School assemblies recognize a
- 15:41Speaker 1: handful of them, and they're not even the most important ones.
- 15:44Speaker 1: And so talking to your kids about that and highlighting
- 15:47Speaker 1: what talents do you have can be tremendously powerful.
- 15:50Speaker 2: What's ning for?
- 15:51Speaker 1: Talk about status and recognition? What does it mean to
- 15:56Speaker 1: get the status and recognition? Do you want the award
- 15:58Speaker 1: or do you just want to be noticed? Do you
- 16:00Speaker 1: want to be a math's brain, do you want to
- 16:03Speaker 1: be a sports star or do you just want people
- 16:05Speaker 1: to say nice things about you? Because once we start
- 16:08Speaker 1: to get into that, we start again to get into motivations.
- 16:11Speaker 1: Why do you feel sad? You feel sad because you
- 16:13Speaker 1: didn't get the recognition, or you feel sad because you
- 16:15Speaker 1: worked really hard and you feel like you should have
- 16:16Speaker 1: but nobody noticed. We start to get into the nitty
- 16:18Speaker 1: gritty of this, and ultimately, I think if we can
- 16:21Speaker 1: help our kids to recognize that recognition like this is
- 16:24Speaker 1: so arbitrary and it's so much about luck and how
- 16:27Speaker 1: things play out. What matters is who we're becoming, not
- 16:30Speaker 1: how we're being recognized for it.
- 16:32Speaker 2: Next year, no one's going to be asking about the
- 16:36Speaker 2: award they got last year, and in five years time,
- 16:39Speaker 2: it's not even going to be a consideration. Regardless of
- 16:43Speaker 2: how many awards you get. When you're sitting in that
- 16:45Speaker 2: office for an interview, you're not going to be dry
- 16:48Speaker 2: sharing with them that you won the Excellence Award for
- 16:52Speaker 2: biology in grade ten doesn't matter.
- 16:56Speaker 1: You've stolen my fifth and final idea. And by the way,
- 16:58Speaker 1: I said two minutes, but you keep on sharing so
- 17:01Speaker 1: many interruptions, so many great things that we've gone more
- 17:04Speaker 1: than two minutes. But I want to share this last
- 17:06Speaker 1: one really quickly and emphasize take the long view, which
- 17:10Speaker 1: is just what you've said. That's my fifth and final one.
- 17:12Speaker 1: Nobody that I know has on their Twitter profile I
- 17:17Speaker 1: was the Grade three swimming champion, or I was the
- 17:21Speaker 1: Grade seven ducks or anything like that. Like the long
- 17:24Speaker 1: term view, None of this stuff matters. It really doesn't.
- 17:27Speaker 1: Once you get out of school, nobody's asking the question
- 17:29Speaker 1: nobody's waving the flag. Nobody's looking at the trophy that
- 17:32Speaker 1: they got in second class and saying, oh, look at
- 17:34Speaker 1: how good I was as a runner in second grade.
- 17:36Speaker 1: Here's my little green ribbon or my little blue ribbon
- 17:38Speaker 1: for having won that race. We just don't do that
- 17:40Speaker 1: because as we get older and we have more perspective,
- 17:42Speaker 1: we realize how limited this whole sphere of education is
- 17:46Speaker 1: in terms of living a full and whole life. So
- 17:49Speaker 1: we hope these five ideas been helpful in navigating the
- 17:52Speaker 1: end of yer assemblies and the attendant disappointment that's all
- 17:56Speaker 1: but guaranteed for so many families. Thanks so much for listening.
- 17:58Speaker 1: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Rollin from
- 18:00Speaker 1: Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer. If you'd
- 18:03Speaker 1: like more in fun about making your family happier, we'd
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- 18:07Speaker 1: Dr Justin Colson's Happy Families, or at happy families dot
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