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Talking About Report Cards with Your Kids · Talking FACS

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  Welcome to Talking FACS, what you need to know about family,
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  food, finance, and fitness.
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  This nationally recognized, award-winning podcast is hosted by the University
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  of Kentucky Family and Consumer Sciences Extension Program.
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  Our educators share research knowledge with individuals, families,
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  and communities to improve quality of life.
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  As parents, you might wish that your child's report card is always filled with
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  straight As and glowing remarks.
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  But the reality is that kids are people, too.
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  Report cards are more than an indicator of your child's academic ability,
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  but truly they are a window into their socialization.
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  Welcome to Talking FACS, where we share information you can use to strengthen
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  your family, your community, and our state.
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  I'm your host, Mindy McCulley, Extension Specialist for Instructional Support
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  with Family Consumer Sciences Extension.
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  My guest today, our Extension Specialist for Parenting and Child Development, Dr.
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  David Weisenhorn, is here to discuss helpful ways to talk about your child's report card.
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  Welcome, David. Thank you, Mindy.
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  Report card season is always one that's fraught for the children if they're
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  nervous about what's going to happen or exciting if they know that there are
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  good things that are coming down the pipe.
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  Yeah, you're so right. You know, it's funny. I was thinking about this and remembering
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  being nervous more than once when showing my report card to my parents.
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  And I really love the way you opened it up because the reality is that you think
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  about what a child does day to day.
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  You know, their school is their job. They are there all day doing work and dealing
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  with, you know, life and relationships and all the things that we all deal with.
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  Like you said, remember, they're people too.
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  They're human too, right? They have a lot going on. And so oftentimes that report
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  card is just a snapshot in time about how they're doing at that moment.
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  And it's helpful, but also it doesn't dictate the rest of their life as much
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  as we want to say this is, I think it does just that it helps us understand where we are.
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  And so I love the way you opened it up and just saying that,
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  remember that they're, they're there.
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  We want the best for our children, but our children are also doing,
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  you know, they're doing what they can in their small worlds.
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  What are they not reporting? Right. Like we, grades are important and I wouldn't
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  ever undermine the importance of grades.
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  However, they are not the only thing. And so just a reminder to parents, I love that,
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  is that the report card's an opportunity to encourage academic success,
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  but more so foster this positive attitude towards learning.
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  And to remind us and possibly even then that learning is not easy.
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  Listen, easy, if we're having all A's all the time, then maybe we're not being
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  challenged like we should be getting challenged.
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  And so keeping those perspectives in mind, I think they're helpful.
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  And so I've got some four tips, Mindy, that I wanted to share that I think can capture a lot,
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  maybe not all, but can give us maybe a different perspective on how we want
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  to talk with our children about our report cards.
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  And the first way I would say, the first thing we want to do is just create
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  this environment that's supportive,
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  a calm environment so that when children come, maybe it's not like,
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  oh boy, I told you if you didn't get good grades on this report card,
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  you're going to really get it.
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  And so maybe there's this anticipation that both of you have with nervousness
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  and frustration coming into it. And I would say do.
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  If that's how you feel, don't do it. Find another time.
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  Choose a time when both of you feel relaxed, when there's not a whole lot of demonstration.
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  And maybe even you can build that environment. Maybe that home environment or
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  a place in your house, maybe it's not that.
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  Maybe there's a lot of distractions going on. Maybe it's not a place where you
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  feel extremely relaxed together.
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  Creating that space could be going on a walk. It could be being outside.
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  It could be in the car. You know, it may be a room in your home. I hope it is.
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  Find that and allow that to begin to signal to everybody. That environment is
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  our first indicator of kind of what's happening around us.
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  Whether we're aware that those indications are happening, our minds pick up
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  and are able to identify what is the energy that needs to be right here in this space.
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  And if it's one where I feel nervous, then I'm already kind of started against myself.
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  So if we can create a space that's relaxing and we can approach it with a calm,
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  that's a good place to begin with that environment and trying to create something calm.
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  The second point is that we're going to focus on the positives.
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  So much of life is, listen, there's enough outside in our society that can identify
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  where we're weak. We probably do that better than anybody anyways,
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  right? We identify where we don't do well.
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  So let's focus on the positive. Let's start by acknowledging what are the strengths I see in this?
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  What are the achievements we have to be excited about?
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  And how can I reinforce motivation and self-esteem?
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  How can I do that? I want to do that with the way that I speak to you and how
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  this conversation goes.
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  And so the positive approach, this helps build that confidence in our children.
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  It creates more of a receptive atmosphere and it allows them to address areas
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  that they need improvement. So one of the things to do so that while we're addressing that positive,
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  really shifts into this third piece. And I don't want to get too far ahead of
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  me, but it does. The third piece is asking open-ended questions.
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  And so when we begin to focus on the positives, one of the things I like to
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  do with my children is give them the direct, allow them to direct the conversation.
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  I want to talk about your report card and then say, hey, so tell me about it.
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  What do you want to share?
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  Exactly. What do you think you did well? You know, we can start with the positives
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  and I can direct you to that, but then allow them to go. Well,
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  wow, I see you got an A here.
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  Tell me why you got that. What made that class so great? Oh,
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  it was the teacher or it was the content.
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  Dad, it's so fun in there. I've got my friends in there.
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  All of the things that they begin to share with you, asking these open-ended
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  questions will become the problem solving piece that will come with,
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  hey, how do we address some of these other areas you didn't do well.
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  So if my child comes home, and this is a real scenario, comes home and has great
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  grades in math and really enjoys science, but not so much in the reading category.
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  And so we talked about math and we talked about science and they talked about
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  how exciting their teachers were and how good the content was and how they liked it.
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  And then I said, so what happened in this other class.
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  And it immediately went to, oh, I don't like this and I don't like that.
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  And this was hard and I didn't do this well.
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  And so my child was already identifying what it was that were the pieces that needed to work.
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  And so it was able to say, okay, what was the difference?
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  Now, how do you think we can get it better? Well, dad, I hate that topic.
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  Well, that's not a good excuse.
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  I get that, but there are things we're not going to like in life and that can't
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  be the reason that we avoid it.
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  So I get that you didn't like it, but what might be some ways that we can go
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  about gaining interest in it or doing better than we've done?
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  Part of what I want you, what parents should know too, is that we don't want
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  to expect perfectionism.
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  We want to be patient and we want them to avoid this idea that there's a perfectionist
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  attitude. Like, hey man, I'm not asking you to be perfect.
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  B is good. It's above average. Some parents hearing that might be like,
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  whoa, David, I don't want to do that.
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  Not in my house. And if you have rules in your home, those are important to talk about those.
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  But I would question what the importance is on the A, right?
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  What's the importance on the outcome? Why do you want that so much?
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  Because we don't want to do, what we want to avoid is that perfectionist idea
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  in driving this idea home that you have to get it all right.
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  Because I think that leads to problems in the future.
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  Exactly. And you don't want to start that young, and then they have nowhere to go.
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  Correct. Yeah, right. So then the expectation is that I'm going to do well all the time.
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  That's just, to me, that's an unrealistic expectation, which falls into that last piece.
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  So the last part, so we talked about, again, we talked about creating a supportive environment.
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  We're going to focus on the positives.
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  We're going to do that by asking open-ended questions. And this is, again,
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  this is encouraging your child to share their perspective because I really believe
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  most children know how to solve the problem and we really have to give them that opportunity.
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  As a matter of fact, my children, a lot of times they want me to solve it for them.
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  And I don't do that. I leave them hanging. I'm like, well, I think you could
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  go. Well, I don't know, dad. Well, then I would try both of them and see which one works better.
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  The reality is that we need our children. we need to push them into problem solving.
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  And the way that they do that is to do just what we were asking.
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  What did you do so well? So why was this grade so good?
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  And then they can identify all the positive things. Oh, so you liked your teacher.
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  So having supportive people around you helps you do your best?
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  Yeah, dad, it does. Oh, okay. That's good to know, right?
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  I'm reinforcing to them that, hey, they need to have good people around it.
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  And then we're collaborating on that solution.
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  And that's that fourth part. How are we going to get better?
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  Maybe we're going to get better at just knowing ourselves better.
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  Right? Because that's such important.
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  That's really what we want to be learning in schools or what we're good at,
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  what we're not good at, and how we solve problems.
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  So those will be the things that we really want to focus on how we can go about
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  looking at this is to say, oh, what needs improvement?
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  Well, let's work together and develop a plan because at the end of the day,
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  we want our children coming to us in an attempt to solve problems that might
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  feel bigger than their abilities.
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  Right. And they have to have some intrinsic motivation rather than just trying to please you.
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  Yeah, for sure. You know, sometimes that works a little, yeah,
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  like you said, that we definitely want that intrinsic.
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  We want that motivation coming from inside, not necessarily mom or dad cracking
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  a whip or providing some sort of monetary reward or something like that.
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  And you listen, there's a lot of parents that ask me, David,
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  do you think that's okay for me to do that?
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  My intention is, is it okay for you to do that? I'm not in the business of telling
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  people if they're right or wrong.
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  What I will show you is just that. That research says intrinsic motivation.
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  That inside, that motivation that I get from inside me is way more powerful
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  than any motivation that I get externally outside me, like a reward or something.
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  And the other thing is that we don't want to set them up for failure.
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  Like, hey, just because I do a good job at work doesn't mean every time I do my job, I get money.
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  I'm going to get a bonus. Yeah, I'm not getting a bonus all the time.
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  Maybe at the end of the year, maybe if something went well, right?
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  But the realities are those don't come around all the time.
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  So we don't want to condition our children either thinking that in any way that
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  while they're doing it is because they get this because it only takes a change
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  in desire or likes, and all of a sudden,
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  whatever it is, that carrot is no longer appealing, right?
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  So I don't want to do it for the reward anymore. I just won't do it.
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  So we want to set that up. So helping to collaborate on those solutions and talking through those.
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  Again, children are way more aware of what it will take for them to be successful
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  than oftentimes parents give them credit for.
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  David, I love all of these points, and I think that helping children recognize
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  their own value is so much more than what shows up on that report card light
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  years ahead of where we are when we look at measuring success on a report card.
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  I love it when you come and visit with us on Talking Facts because you always
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  bring some new perspective and some things that I know is valuable to our listeners.
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  Thank you, Mandy. If you are just tuning in, you're listening to Talking FACS.
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