Latest / Kaleidoscope - Perspectives Beyond The Surface / Kaleidoscope PBTS: E10 Growth, Grit, and Gratitude

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Kaleidoscope PBTS: E10 Growth, Grit, and Gratitude · Kaleidoscope - Perspectives Beyond The Surface

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  Tough questions. Honest answers. Oh, the messy
• 0:06
  truth. Your perspectives. Let's begin. Welcome
• 0:14
  to Kaleidoscope. Hello, internet. Welcome to
• 0:23
  this yet -to -be -named podcast. My name is Rumi
• 0:27
  Reilio. And I am sitting with my friend, Kira.
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  Kira, introduce yourself. Oh, thank you. So I'm
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  Kira. I'm based here in South Africa. I am 30
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  years old. Pronouns are she, they. I've been
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  trying to transition for the past few years since
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  I think about 2022, actually, but goes back much
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  longer. And I'm also a content creator. I've
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  had a YouTube channel since, well, Saturn 18,
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  which is back in 2013. I've got about 10 ,000
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  subscribers, which is nothing in the YouTube
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  world, but I mainly do videos focused on breaking
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  free from religion, repressive structures, and
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  also just learning how to be yourself authentically,
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  getting in touch with who you really are and
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  seeing through the lies of society. I also do
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  a lot of things to look out for interpersonally,
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  but mainly I focus on Breaking free from toxic
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  groups and religions, cults. I've spoken a lot
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  about them. And yeah, but, uh, currently like
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  my channel's in a bit of a gray area where kind
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  of exploring where to go next. And, uh, but the
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  big thing I do know is I want to get in touch.
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  Yes. It's transitioning while I'm transitioning.
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  Yes. So transitioning squared and, uh, trans
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  squared. There you go. That's a great new name
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  for it. Like a rebrand. Yeah, transgrid. So yeah,
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  a big part of it is being in touch with fellow
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  creators from around the world. You're obviously
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  from South Africa, but it's just being in touch
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  with the trans community here in South Africa,
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  people who have originated from all over the
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  world, standing together in solidarity in the
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  face of... everything that's happening around
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  the globe. And yeah, that's pretty much where
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  things are going. Like I said, it's authentic
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  loving. You can't really do that without a supportive
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  community. So yeah, so I'm excited to see where
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  things go. It's been a big change. It's been
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  a big scary change, but I'm excited to be here
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  and yeah, I'm very hopeful. You said all of that
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  like you're some kind of veteran in this world
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  and I feel like such a noob because we all have
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  a different journey. Yeah, sure. Okay. Well,
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  I've never said this online, I guess. I started
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  really transitioning. My proverbial egg didn't
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  just crack. It was thrown against a wall and
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  viciously stomped on about three months before
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  Halloween 2023. And I realized that I had been
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  Just lying to myself. I was honestly driving
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  home from work and thinking about self -delete
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  and just wondering what speed it would take to
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  guarantee the end in my car. Um, and unsure of
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  what that would be because electric cars are
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  kind of safe. It's not a Tesla. If you're wondering,
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  fuck you, Elon Musk, but, um, yeah, we can agree
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  there too. Anyway, yes. And I was like, okay,
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  I need to start doing something. And one of the
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  things that really kind of gave me a lot of euphoria
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  was starting to cross -dress. And I thought like,
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  because I'd been doing it for a long time, actually,
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  but in total denial. And I decided that the first
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  time I'm ever going to go out was Halloween,
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  when the veil is the thinnest between the genders,
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  so to speak. So I cross -dressed and then I continued
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  cross -dressing. And one of the big factors was
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  finally breaking through like financial struggles
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  that I had been. I was in, for about four years,
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  I'd been digging myself out of debt. And then
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  anyway, so I realized that I was, I needed to
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  do something, but All I wanted to do was address
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  more realistically. Now, if you're an experienced
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  psychologist, you might go, oh, that's dysphoria.
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  But for Ray, it was experimental. So I was like,
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  just experiment, just experiment more and more.
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  And then I was walking through pharmacies, literally
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  looking for misplaced estrogen. I spoke in a
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  podcast before about my breakthrough moment when
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  I had a box of pills in my hand. And I just realized
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  that I would never put that back. Yeah, that
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  was December last year. So I have been medically
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  transitioning for just over eight months. And
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  that is why I feel like a noob when you say you're
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  going on since 2022. That's crazy. Yeah, it's
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  uh, it is quite a journey when you first go on
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  those pulls I like for me I can relate my journey
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  so the the egg crack or actually, you know because
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  it's Gets more of a shell crack to be honest
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  because like I was aware that i'm different when
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  I was a child but of course, you know being raised
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  in a very religious environment you You're taught
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  not to show parts of yourself and so since like
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  the age of 12, that's when I first started going
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  through puberty. And then they were telling me
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  things like, you know, you're going to get a
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  deep voice. You're going to become incredibly
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  hairy, which I am now. And there's going to be
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  all kinds of changes. And I was like, no, thanks,
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  you know, swipe, a swipe left on those changes.
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  Thank you very much. But yeah, it hurts. Hard
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  pass. Yes. And then like, yeah, it is to say,
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  I was told if I ever, like, try and show the
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  side of myself again, it would be the end of
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  me. So I pretty much just decided to wear the
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  mask for my own safety. And since then, it's
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  pretty much just been, I felt disconnected with
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  the world around me. Like even now still, it's
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  very hard for me to actually, you know, come
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  out of my shell and, you know, feel at one with
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  the world as it were. It was only around 2022
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  that we, when we moved back to Pretoria in Monument
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  Park, when I was like, you know, going through
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  this, this egg crack again, coming back out of
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  my shell. And it was like the weirdest, most
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  random thing that like, you know, seeing a beautiful
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  woman be like, I want to be her. The thought
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  hit me like, you know, like, um, a speeding train.
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  I've had that thought many times before, but
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  I've always like, you know, kept it one side.
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  this time I actually listened and When I was
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  when I that he hit me I was like, well, you know,
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  I Don't know. Can we swear on this podcast? Yeah,
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  go for it. I was like, well, I've already fucked
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  Elon Musk once. Oh, yeah Whoa, that's once too
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  many Yeah No, no, no, please. Couldn't be good
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  with him. Yeah. So I was like, well, shit, what
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  am I going to do now? And then pretty much decided
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  from there to, you know, start seeing a shrink,
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  I guess, or therapist, let's just call it, call
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  them that. And my first therapy experience was
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  also like, I also did think about, you know,
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  self delete, you know, off of a balcony. I don't
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  think the balcony was high enough, so that would
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  have been an incredibly stupid thing in any case.
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  But, well, it's stupid anyway you do it, but
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  still, it probably would not have been... Yeah,
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  I'm on the 21st floor, by the way. That was a
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  scary thing because there are no safety bars
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  on this building. Yeah, and yeah, that would
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  be pretty scary. So, for me, I was just like,
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  well, look, I'm going to look for help. And my
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  first therapist wasn't... Let's say the the greatest
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  she did guide me to a lot of realizations like
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  I did finally meet one of my goals and that's
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  moving into my own apartment and Everything and
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  I mean I can go on at length in detail about
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  goal -setting You know, I'm very productivity
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  focused but also like achieving goals a lot of
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  times that you realize just how Actually point
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  us that on in a lot of respects because I mean
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  having my own place and everything signed in
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  my name was also a lot of stress that also kept
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  me stuck in a bad environment, which I'm now
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  thankfully out of, but when I moved into my own
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  place, like I remember I was so deeply depressed
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  at the time. I was also going through a romantic
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  heartbreak, you know, like I was laid on and
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  just, I felt like absolutely disgusted with myself.
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  And I mean, I was sitting in an apartment and
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  a completely empty apartment because I never
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  bought furniture for the place because I don't
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  know why, like, you know, I just wanted to live
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  as minimalistically as possible. And then, uh,
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  yeah, just, you know, sitting there in the bathtub
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  depressed and wondering what I'm going to do
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  now. And as I was like going through things in
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  2023, and it was also, this was in South Africa,
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  2022, like that point, December going into January
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  was a very rough time. It was stage eight load
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  shedding power was awful, like 12, 14 hours a
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  day. And I was like ground zero there. Yeah.
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  Yeah. Because I had to, you know, help run some
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  generators for a company that I was working with
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  through my own company at the time. And because
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  their manual switchovers had broken. So then
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  I would have to go like just simply turn a key.
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  But it was like every two or four hours that
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  you had to go and do it. So then I was waking
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  up at weird hours and it was a crazy time. And,
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  you know, like was the guys to come and refuel
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  the generators were arriving just in the nick
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  of time. There was one time the generator was
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  running on zero percent and that was still running,
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  but that was, that was pretty scary because I
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  mean, if it burns out, then you have to push
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  oil through the whole engine and take it apart.
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  Yeah. But the, so the point was like, I was stuck
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  in this routine, you know, like trying to like
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  basically acting like a robot, you know, just
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  I'm just like a machine now completely disconnected
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  from myself. And then I changed therapists to
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  somebody who's non -binary and very, and of course
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  trans affirming. And we, we started working through
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  the issues in more detail, but it was like a
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  very slow kind of, you know, introduction. Like
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  the first therapist tried to rush me through
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  a lot of things. And I think that actually worked
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  against a lot of the progress I was making. And
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  so then in 2023 really was my year of like actually
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  finally coming to terms with a lot of things.
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  It was only like around. In 2023, I did actually
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  like go on hormones. I did see a doctor and everything.
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  But then after about 11 days, I left it. There
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  was actually like a sense of relief when I left
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  it because I was like, okay, thankfully I don't
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  have to go through this. But then about a month
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  after that, everything came crashing down again.
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  Because I also realized I was using the work
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  I was doing as an escape from how I was feeling.
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  and it was you know, you're acting on all the
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  pilot which is like with dissociation as you're
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  literally watching yourself you're feeling so
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  disconnected and I eventually like tried to connect
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  with other people but there was always like this
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  wall between me and other people it's because
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  like um it just never felt like okay i'm safe
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  in the safe environment where can i start transitioning
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  and So things went along and like a lot of things
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  happen. I mean, I can probably write a whole
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  book about all the things that happened in this
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  amount of time. Uh, and then 2024 came around
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  and I started transitioning again. I took it
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  more seriously this time. I was like, I'm committed.
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  I'm going to do this. And then as, as I was busy
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  transitioning, I came to terms with a lot of
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  the reality of my dissociation, just how severe
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  things were. And doing that first transition,
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  I was also, you know, exploring alternative lifestyles,
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  going a bit nuts and. You know also dissociating
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  from that and you know, even now still it's kind
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  of kind of scary like um, some of the things
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  that Some of the spaces I found myself in because
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  I was like selling odds with myself Um that growing
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  up so being you know, the good child i'm the
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  oldest child So I was always held responsible
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  until this extremely high standard You too. Yeah,
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  like the oldest child problem is you always got
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  to overachieve and it never feels like enough
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  when you actually do it so Then yeah, they I
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  would be like and and this was like without any
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  alcohol or drugs like we like ETC then since
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  you're and I was like busy on the dance floor
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  up until four in the morning you know like you
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  know and I still wouldn't be able to sleep because
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  you know you have so much energy because you're
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  Trying to do things to escape, you know, it's
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  like it's all week You're feeling down and then
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  you escape and there's like this huge burst of
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  energy comes out and then of course there's the
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  crash off to it because now you're back in spaces
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  that don't support you. I mean, I was also part
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  of a church like at the time I went every single
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  week and this is the part of doing things on
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  autopilot that every week I'm going there and
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  feeling like twice a week like for morning and
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  evening services and for home sales and being
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  involved and you go there and you sit there and
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  you're like completely disconnected from yourself
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  but you still do it because it's a structure.
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  let you feel some semblance of purpose. Some
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  birds like peering at me through the window.
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  I thought it's a cat and I was like, that ain't
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  no cat. No, no, it's not unless it's a flying
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  cat. So yeah, then eventually, middle of last
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  year, I did transition again, moved in with my
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  family and then We moved out of Pretoria went
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  back to this small town in the middle of nowhere,
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  you know in Lombopo and we made some plans for
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  you we to come down in April to the Western Cape
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  and Since then it's been quite a rollercoaster
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  where I said I could write a book about the past
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  few years I think I can write a book just about
• 15:42
  these past few months because it's been it's
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  been crazy. So the first place I stayed at in
• 15:47
  April was like my landlord like Was also very
• 15:51
  conservative, although like very hypocritical
• 15:54
  on that point as well. Uh, and then when I started
• 15:58
  coming out as trans, because then I told basically
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  everybody, I made a commitment to letting everybody
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  know, including my family, that, you know, I'm
• 16:05
  trans. Dinesh found one about it. And then he
• 16:08
  dropped me off at the airport and told me to
• 16:10
  go back to Gauteng. But the problem with that
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  was, well, I didn't have any money to go back
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  to Gauteng and it's like either be homeless in
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  Cape Town or be homeless back in Pretoria or
• 16:23
  Joburg or wherever. And I was like, well, look,
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  it's neither ideal. So let me just stay here
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  and try and make things work. And thankfully
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  things did open up. I mean, I was staying in
• 16:34
  Stellenbosch, but then once again, I went back
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  into the closet, you know, just because I didn't
• 16:39
  feel safe with that guy. And eventually he, because
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  guy smokes. ton of weed and drinks. He was, I
• 16:48
  realized he was pretty much psychotic. I was
• 16:49
  living with a crazy person and he became convinced
• 16:52
  I was conspiring against him and I was making
• 16:56
  cracks in his walls and all kinds of other stuff.
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  Eventually he gave me notice, effective immediately.
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  And then, yeah, I went back to living in a backpackers
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  and then I found the current place where I'm
• 17:10
  staying, which is I'm volunteering here. I've
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  been here for almost two, two months now. And,
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  uh, yeah, it's, it's also been a very interesting
• 17:21
  journey because I just came here while the hostel
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  started. And, uh, that's actually how I'm, yeah,
• 17:27
  that's cool for context. That's how Ray and I
• 17:30
  met. So, because like, uh, I've been. Like, you
• 17:34
  know, very actively involved in volunteering
• 17:36
  here and. since then I've just, if at least they
• 17:39
  come out again as trans and they, I didn't even
• 17:42
  have to tell them to respect my pronouns. They
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  just made the assumption, oh, okay, this is the
• 17:46
  new name you're going by. We'll use that name.
• 17:47
  We'll use your pronouns. I didn't really have
• 17:50
  to. It's really not hard. They just were like,
• 17:53
  oh, okay, cool. This is how we'll start referring
• 17:57
  to you now. And, uh, yeah, since then, like also
• 18:02
  whenever, um, sometimes People come through and
• 18:06
  then they don't know and they say bro, and i'm
• 18:07
  like, well, I don't go by bro This is who I am.
• 18:10
  You know, it's it's pretty much effortless now
• 18:13
  and um it's also I realized the big thing was
• 18:19
  I was kind of scared for no reason to transition
• 18:22
  in a lot of ways. It's been pretty scary I would
• 18:25
  say but the benefits have greatly outweighed
• 18:29
  the the negatives because I mean Yeah Let's not
• 18:35
  beat around the bush though. It's fucking scary.
• 18:39
  Yeah. Especially that, you know, that first coming
• 18:41
  out moment and then certain people in your life
• 18:45
  react exactly as you expected them to react.
• 18:48
  And then, then you realize it's not nearly as
• 18:51
  bad as you thought it was. But still, like the
• 18:54
  first time I lost the housing situation was really
• 18:57
  traumatic. I was in shock over it. The second
• 19:01
  time I was like, whatever, man. I know the drill
• 19:04
  by now. So it's kind of a muscle you grow as
• 19:10
  well. That's not even something I can begin to
• 19:13
  relate to. Like I think that I have this expectation
• 19:17
  and not to take away from it. Obviously it was
• 19:22
  traumatic. Every coming out is traumatic. No
• 19:26
  matter who you are or where you're from or which
• 19:29
  part of the rainbow you're on. severity of what
• 19:34
  can happen to you varies greatly. And one of
• 19:38
  the reasons I think that mine is traumatic is
• 19:40
  because I didn't come out. I was outed and, and
• 19:44
  it was taken away from me. And that hurts, but
• 19:49
  I can't even imagine becoming housing insecure
• 19:54
  because of that. Like, yeah. So hats off to you.
• 20:00
  Thank you. And I have to say it's. It's one of
• 20:03
  those things where you develop a skill you never
• 20:06
  knew you would actually need. And that's, you
• 20:09
  know, learning to have a network that you can
• 20:12
  count on. And I guess it kind of sounds a little
• 20:15
  bit weird in a lot of aspects, but I think all
• 20:19
  of us are actually, a lot of us don't realize
• 20:22
  how far away we are from the street. I mean,
• 20:25
  a lot of people just, they have one job, they've
• 20:28
  got all their savings, that company, the company
• 20:30
  folds and then There they are, they're out on
• 20:32
  the street. And it's like, I mean, I've seen
• 20:36
  the news report of, you know, a programmer like
• 20:39
  made a lot of money, lost his job, he's out on
• 20:41
  the street busy begging. But I've also seen that,
• 20:46
  you know, even though that can happen, it's also,
• 20:51
  that's why it's very important to have a support
• 20:53
  network with people, even if they temporarily
• 20:55
  take you in. Having a supportive community really
• 20:59
  helps a lot. We do have like LGBT shelters here
• 21:04
  in Cape Town, but they're full and they're understaffed.
• 21:10
  We don't have enough resources here in South
• 21:12
  Africa to help the homeless. And I think this
• 21:14
  is a worldwide problem. And it really is something
• 21:19
  that I've realized because I mean, it wasn't
• 21:20
  as a result of a personal weakness that I got
• 21:23
  thrown out of the house. It was a result of somebody
• 21:25
  else's weakness who was in a much more economically
• 21:28
  stable position than I am. And there's always
• 21:30
  bitching and moaning and saying he's going to
• 21:32
  be out on the street. So what does he do? He
• 21:34
  puts me out on the street. And he actually had
• 21:37
  the means not to ever be out on the streets,
• 21:40
  but I did. So it's kind of that thing, that cognitive
• 21:45
  dissonance a lot of people are in. They're like,
• 21:47
  you know, you're conspiring against that. They
• 21:49
  said, no, it's the other way around. You just
• 21:51
  don't want to see it. Quite a shock when it happened.
• 22:00
  It's not me. It's your fear of what the people
• 22:08
  that you know are gonna say. You don't care about
• 22:12
  me. You only care about the people around you.
• 22:16
  That is the harsh reality. I think for most trans
• 22:22
  people. Even when I was like, you know doing
• 22:28
  my demo half transition last year. It was Weird
• 22:32
  out even in conservative environments how people
• 22:34
  are formal accepting that you might think I speak
• 22:37
  look if you're not in a church that's a cult
• 22:39
  then people kind of have a polarized reaction
• 22:41
  some people are gonna be Weird but so others
• 22:44
  are gonna be like even if they don't like it.
• 22:46
  They still gonna Respect you as a person, but
• 22:50
  unfortunately they in belief systems where They
• 22:54
  push you away. Yeah, exactly. I would never fault
• 22:58
  someone for feeling uncomfortable with me initially.
• 23:06
  But the moment you... Because we meet people
• 23:09
  like that every day, right? Normal cisgender
• 23:13
  people who we meet and we go, oh, this person
• 23:17
  is weird. This is not my style. And you get to
• 23:19
  know them and you're like, this guy's the...
• 23:22
  fucking greatest. And, you know, if more people
• 23:27
  could take that approach to like, oh, I have
• 23:30
  never met a trans person before in my life. Maybe
• 23:34
  I should drink this coffee with them. And just
• 23:37
  sit down and talk. Everything would change. In
• 23:44
  a very odd way. And this might be my own But
• 23:52
  it definitely is my own preconceptions and and
• 23:56
  and preconceived notions of what the LGBTQ community
• 24:01
  is but in it in an odd way trans people are the
• 24:05
  least LGBTQ of the LGBTQ and the most at the
• 24:11
  same time because we are shirking off all of
• 24:15
  the gender norms breaking all of the societal
• 24:19
  rules but a lot of us are just acting normally.
• 24:25
  I travel to another country and there are people
• 24:30
  that never clocked me. And I'm not even, I'm
• 24:34
  clocky. Like I look trans. I'm guessing then
• 24:38
  that that could be a major argument. It's like,
• 24:40
  well, you know, I guess some people think trans
• 24:43
  as a look. Like for me, I don't openly look like
• 24:47
  I'm a trans woman at this point in time. but
• 24:51
  and I especially like the way I talk and the
• 24:54
  way I dress people are like yo, bro, and I'm
• 24:57
  no and it's it's these things are so ingrained
• 25:00
  even in more liberal spaces you still find people
• 25:02
  saying these things to you and it sometimes just
• 25:06
  is that moment of you have to tell them because
• 25:09
  they don't know and Try not to assume the naked
• 25:13
  of even though it is pretty scary But yeah, it's
• 25:18
  like I'm not saying it to gender you but actually
• 25:23
  you are because you don't say that to girls and
• 25:27
  Fact you are gendering me by saying bro Yeah,
• 25:32
  or dude Yeah, yeah and It I think because I guess
• 25:41
  it's also a lot of things are saying grant into
• 25:43
  us and that we we don't really You know stop
• 25:47
  and think about them I think, you know, especially
• 25:51
  if you grow up differently, then a lot of people
• 25:56
  just go on with assumptions that everybody else
• 25:58
  thinks the same and they very much hit hard against
• 26:01
  anything that's different. And yeah, it's very
• 26:07
  difficult for them to walk past because like
• 26:09
  I've seen with people, they don't... a lot of
• 26:12
  people don't do that meta thing of you know disconnecting
• 26:15
  and looking at the situation like oh I believe
• 26:18
  these things because this is where I come from
• 26:19
  no it's just I believe these things I'm right
• 26:21
  don't don't tell me any different you know and
• 26:24
  the same with gender it's one of the hardest
• 26:27
  things for me as well to do is because right
• 26:32
  now this this past couple of weeks have kind
• 26:37
  of been There have been days where I've been
• 26:41
  in a dark place because I'm willfully putting
• 26:46
  myself through going online, picking out people
• 26:55
  that are transphobes that are commenting on pro
• 26:58
  trans videos and just crucifying them with facts.
• 27:03
  Okay. And it's fun. It's fun. But it's also devastatingly
• 27:09
  harmful to my mental health Because I find myself
• 27:18
  and and this is part of the reason why I'm doing
• 27:20
  it I find myself Agreeing with them Sometimes
• 27:26
  and I'm like, oh my god. Yeah because I was there
• 27:31
  I wanted to be Bloodstain on the side of a bridge,
• 27:37
  you know That is a scary reality and to pull
• 27:44
  yourself back from that Over and over it gets
• 27:48
  easier for sure but oh my god, is it difficult
• 27:52
  sometimes and then also it's so fun to beat them
• 27:55
  into a point where they just Can't do it. Yeah
• 27:59
  And like Camille, I also found myself doing that
• 28:04
  But it's also like, you know, I already struggle
• 28:07
  enough with having low energy as it is because,
• 28:11
  you know, um, I don't know, like I think also
• 28:14
  a century or below just, you know, the daily
• 28:17
  tax of living. Yeah. All the torrent of stimulation
• 28:21
  does get to me because I mean, I have been diagnosed
• 28:25
  officially with ADHD. I've not been diagnosed
• 28:27
  with autism, but I think if you speak to anybody,
• 28:30
  I know like autism is pretty much. That's a given.
• 28:34
  It just existing already eats away at you. Like
• 28:39
  daily things that people take for granted, neurotypicals.
• 28:44
  Those things eat away at you every single day.
• 28:48
  So just showing up and doing what needs to be
• 28:50
  done is already pretty difficult. So for me,
• 28:53
  going and engaging with negative people, it takes
• 28:57
  a lot out of me. So it's just best for me to.
• 29:01
  sidestep it and ignore it and just say what I
• 29:04
  want to say. And they, they can sit and spend
• 29:08
  for all I care because yeah, um, I've having
• 29:13
  this channel for quite some time. And when I
• 29:16
  was still more conservative and already then
• 29:17
  spouting controversial opinions, at some point,
• 29:20
  you just learn that it doesn't matter what you
• 29:23
  say. Somebody's going to hate on it just because
• 29:26
  they, they want to feel hurt. Just as much as
• 29:29
  you want to feel hurt, they also want to feel
• 29:30
  hurt. But I can only listen to so many voices
• 29:33
  at once. So it's just the thing of, well, look,
• 29:40
  on my channel, I try and respond in a very civil
• 29:42
  and polite way because it's just part of the
• 29:45
  brand that I want to achieve. I'm not going to
• 29:49
  just be an asshole for the sake of it, but still,
• 29:52
  I do think responding civilly to the ideas so
• 29:56
  that people know what my stance is in general.
• 29:58
  not so much trying to create a negative dialogue
• 30:01
  with somebody and getting hooked to a Conversations
• 30:04
  that's gonna run around in circles like going
• 30:06
  on the train to nowhere It that's that's what
• 30:09
  I want to do. Just you know Just put forth what
• 30:13
  I say or what I believe and it's with respect
• 30:16
  even if you're not respecting me But yeah, but
• 30:18
  that's on YouTube in daily life. It's a lot more
• 30:21
  difficult like if you meet somebody and they
• 30:24
  know or out for blood because they don't like
• 30:27
  who you are then it's it's a lot more difficult
• 30:30
  to be civil and um yeah for sure for sure um
• 30:37
  when it comes to the comment section on other
• 30:41
  people's videos or on mine if you're a bigot
• 30:45
  if you're a transphobe you're gonna find out
• 30:48
  exactly what i think of you so um Other than
• 30:55
  that, I'm even willing to enter into a logical
• 31:01
  discourse. But the thing is, if you're a bigot
• 31:05
  or a transphobe or a homophobe or whatever, none
• 31:07
  of your discourse is logical. It's not because
• 31:10
  you haven't taken any time to read and you're
• 31:13
  part of a cult. So that's the thing. And if you
• 31:20
  go like one of the... things I hate is I will
• 31:24
  in good faith answer a question and ask a couple
• 31:28
  of my own. And the response will be, this is
• 31:32
  just a classic tribe. You're just effing this,
• 31:36
  effing that, whatever. Groovy bro. It doesn't
• 31:41
  help you respond with logic to someone who's
• 31:45
  taken over by being completely irrational. And
• 31:48
  they've given themselves over to hate you so
• 31:52
  you know you can fuck right off it doesn't matter
• 31:55
  what you say fuck right off that's like okay
• 31:57
  fine you can fuck right off as well it's fine
• 32:00
  but yeah exactly just yeah be sure you never
• 32:05
  fuck right off in front of my car because I'm
• 32:07
  gonna I'm not stopping yeah although you wouldn't
• 32:12
  want to dent your car I mean the poor car the
• 32:17
  cars can be replaced just No, I'm joking. But,
• 32:22
  um, yeah, I don't, I don't want anybody's blood
• 32:24
  on my hands, but if I see you putting someone
• 32:27
  else's blood on yours, yours is going to be up.
• 32:31
  Pretty much. Yeah. Yeah. Welcome to pride. The
• 32:36
  only, the, the only kind of intolerance that
• 32:39
  is tolerable is the tolerance that dies. I mean,
• 32:44
  intolerance that died. Yeah. Yeah. Because it
• 32:50
  doesn't like we've we've seen with a lot of societal
• 32:52
  things It doesn't help you be civil to an authoritarian
• 32:55
  force to are overtaken by this thing because
• 32:58
  I mean Common sections are one thing. I mean
• 33:01
  anybody can be a keyboard warrior But when those
• 33:04
  ideas kept on keep on being spread and they start
• 33:07
  accumulating Real -life action and real -life
• 33:11
  political change towards, you know for right
• 33:13
  systems like we see are happening Globally, I
• 33:16
  mean in places like Europe and the US right now.
• 33:23
  That's when, you know, it doesn't really help
• 33:26
  being civil because I think for me, like if say
• 33:33
  the government were to change here and they're
• 33:35
  now starting to bring out laws decriminalizing
• 33:39
  who we are, then You're gonna be as good as a
• 33:43
  terrorist and then it's fine and I'll be a terrorist
• 33:46
  because this this isn't right because just because
• 33:49
  you're uncomfortable with You know the like somebody
• 33:53
  else because you don't want to face parts of
• 33:55
  yourself And I don't think every transphobe is
• 33:58
  secretly trans but they are parts of themselves
• 34:00
  that they don't want to face that they're projecting
• 34:02
  onto you for sure if If you're if you are a transphobe,
• 34:06
  it's it's because you're scared of part of your
• 34:07
  identity. That's the only way There's something
• 34:12
  that scares you and you're too afraid to deal
• 34:18
  with it. Exactly. The thing that baffles me though
• 34:27
  when you say, and it's true, the global movement
• 34:30
  towards far right. ideology is that none of these
• 34:36
  people have ever picked up a fucking history
• 34:39
  book, not even tangentially paid attention in
• 34:42
  history class. I mean, have you, have you watched
• 34:45
  enemy at the gates? Have you fucking watched
• 34:48
  any historically accurate movie ever? Have you
• 34:52
  paid attention to what happened in Pearl Harbor?
• 34:54
  Those were fascists and you are fascists now.
• 34:57
  That's what it is. And we, we, we see that now,
• 35:01
  like for example, Germany's daughter. Not the
• 35:03
  far right party making waves. And it's like,
• 35:06
  um, I recently met somebody from Germany, AFD,
• 35:12
  yeah. Alternative für Deutschland. That one.
• 35:15
  Yeah. Those, those, those far right assholes.
• 35:19
  They, because I recently met somebody from Germany
• 35:22
  and we were like agreeing it's, it's a bad thing,
• 35:24
  the rise of the far right. And I was like, you
• 35:26
  know, the Germans, like, don't you get it? Didn't
• 35:29
  you guys learn from your history? I mean, what
• 35:31
  happened a hundred years ago? this, she agreed
• 35:35
  with me, but still it was, it's like, don't you
• 35:38
  guys learn? Like what happened the last time?
• 35:41
  It didn't go well. To say the least. You know,
• 35:45
  the, the, the, I think the, and I might be wrong
• 35:48
  here. I haven't been paying much attention to
• 35:50
  AFD. Trump is kind of destroying all other radio
• 35:55
  signal. Um, it's mostly, it's mostly, uh, young,
• 36:05
  disengaged men who think that they are entitled
• 36:10
  to something that they aren't. And they're joining
• 36:13
  these movements because of influences like Andrew
• 36:17
  Tate. It's just misogyny and it's also late stage
• 36:21
  capitalism. And it's just so easy for the people
• 36:27
  at the top, for the billionaires to blame. It's
• 36:31
  what they've done before. It's where the white
• 36:33
  race comes from. The white race didn't exist
• 36:37
  before capitalism. It's a product of divisiveness.
• 36:43
  You know, make one group feel like they're superior
• 36:46
  over all others. And that allows you to control
• 36:49
  them. And yeah, it's an invention. I mean, here
• 36:54
  in South Africa, we have such a... harmful history.
• 36:57
  We're like three decades after the end of apartheid,
• 36:59
  but I mean, half of the people still live below
• 37:01
  the poverty line. And that's not to say the other
• 37:05
  half is living in affluence either. There's a
• 37:08
  lot of issues still, and it happened as a result
• 37:11
  of an ideology. Yeah. I said earlier that I find
• 37:16
  myself kind of agreeing with some of these transphobes,
• 37:20
  right? Online. And I think part of that comes
• 37:23
  from... the legacy of apartheid South Africa.
• 37:27
  Because as a privileged white person growing
• 37:32
  up in South Africa, it is virtually impossible
• 37:39
  for you to get away from racist rhetoric. It's
• 37:44
  infused in everything. And it's so subtle. It's
• 37:50
  so subtle. But it's like the concept of of having
• 37:54
  a maid. I would never have dreamed. I remember
• 37:59
  the first time I saw a Hispanic maid in America
• 38:03
  and I thought, what the fuck is going on here?
• 38:09
  And you're incognizant of the fact that this
• 38:14
  is deeply enshrined racism. It is and like I've
• 38:23
  also like late last year I had to face, you know
• 38:27
  a lot of my own views because I realized a lot
• 38:29
  of my own views were actually holding me back
• 38:31
  and you know, like I had to come up You know
• 38:34
  face -to -face with all of my own racial views
• 38:36
  that I didn't know were even there I mean, there's
• 38:40
  a lot of things we don't realize actually influence
• 38:43
  our beliefs. I mean we Especially if you grow
• 38:46
  up like for writing, you know capitalism is your
• 38:49
  god. I mean i'm african so Work is my god that
• 38:53
  that's literally how I was raised You know, you
• 38:56
  can work yourself to death for nothing and it's
• 38:59
  it's apparently something to be proud of And
• 39:02
  when now I of course I see it as a waste of time,
• 39:06
  but I still find myself Futilely working on way
• 39:11
  too much stuff Overworking myself and I'm like,
• 39:15
  what am I doing? This isn't productive. So it's
• 39:17
  like Parts of yourself that you have to you know,
• 39:20
  have a dialogue with and be like, hey, you know
• 39:23
  fucking stop it, you know, like Snap out of this
• 39:27
  view Yes, and that's also like this. This is
• 39:31
  very much a view that we've you know forced upon
• 39:34
  the world at large because you know as You know
• 39:37
  the the white race that we've we we want Things
• 39:42
  we've effused it into everything around us and
• 39:46
  I think Also like looking at the wider world
• 39:49
  then like the opposite of that scares us So we
• 39:53
  go back to what's stable even if it's not actually
• 39:56
  nearly as stable as you might think so many people
• 39:59
  like argue Like you know capitalism. Yeah, sure.
• 40:04
  It's not great. But what is the alternative?
• 40:06
  Because as if capitalism is actually working
• 40:09
  when it's not it's it's creating all kinds of
• 40:12
  issues. I mean, if you have a car on assembly
• 40:15
  line and comes out with like, I don't know, 80
• 40:19
  % defects, you would call that a defective car.
• 40:22
  And we've got a political system that's creating
• 40:25
  so many defects, but we still want to keep it
• 40:28
  because we're scared of looking for something
• 40:30
  else. And yeah, because it is a difficult dialogue,
• 40:34
  especially if you've been, sorry, I'll let you
• 40:36
  speak now, especially if you've been raised with
• 40:39
  it. Looking for something different is you don't
• 40:43
  know what else could work. So of course you're
• 40:46
  going to come back to what's stable. Yeah. But
• 40:48
  I also think like the idea that nothing else
• 40:53
  could work comes from the people who are benefiting
• 41:00
  from the system already. Right now, because they
• 41:05
  are the ones who benefit from the status quo.
• 41:08
  Nobody else does. They get to gouge workers on
• 41:12
  both ends. They pay workers as little as possible
• 41:17
  to make things that those workers have to buy.
• 41:20
  And then they charge as much as possible for
• 41:23
  those things that the workers have to buy. And
• 41:26
  eventually it doesn't work anymore, but they
• 41:28
  know that if this doesn't work, then something
• 41:32
  else is going to take over and they're going
• 41:37
  to lose all of their wealth. So what do they
• 41:40
  do? They start taking other things, necessities
• 41:43
  that are required, and they give themselves tax
• 41:47
  cuts. That's what's happening in America right
• 41:49
  now. So America's debt ceiling has raised by
• 41:53
  $8 trillion in form. And now there's inflation
• 42:01
  and Medicaid is gone. So where did that money
• 42:05
  go? Where is it? And then you have transphobes
• 42:09
  going, well, maggots, right? Red hats. Oh, this
• 42:14
  is good. He's saving America. Dude, open your
• 42:17
  fucking eyes, please. And also show us the Epstein
• 42:22
  files because he's a fucking pedophile, disgusting
• 42:27
  human being who's a shit stain on the world's
• 42:32
  pants. Sorry. Exactly. I agree. And, uh, and
• 42:39
  it's not just, you know, Americans, like we have
• 42:43
  a MAGA crowd here in South Africa as well. I
• 42:46
  mean, the oppressed Afrikaners, you know, who,
• 42:50
  who think that now after decades of being the
• 42:52
  most privileged group, we're like the most privileged
• 42:56
  group. Now suddenly we're the most oppressed
• 42:59
  group. And I was like, Oh, no, you're oppressing
• 43:01
  me. Like it's all projection really. It's a loneliness
• 43:06
  epidemic spread into races. Exactly. I have family
• 43:13
  members like that. So do I. An unfortunate amount.
• 43:15
  Tell me about your year. We've lost track of
• 43:20
  things. We were going to talk about 2025. So
• 43:25
  2025. I wouldn't say I'm really qualified to
• 43:30
  talk about the political side of things. Cause
• 43:32
  I mean, I was front and center in South Africa's
• 43:35
  politics last year, but this year I've kind of
• 43:38
  been disconnected because I was waging my own,
• 43:41
  my fighting my own battles, waging my own wars
• 43:43
  just to, you know, make ends meet. 2025 has been
• 43:47
  pretty crazy. I will say we did actually like,
• 43:51
  um, since last year, coming back to the small
• 43:53
  town, we stayed on a farm with some people. Um,
• 43:57
  my grandfather passed away last year and then
• 44:00
  I. then me and my, um, the family, like three
• 44:07
  kids, my, uh, we, uh, inherited, uh, his car
• 44:11
  to share amongst us. It's still actually not
• 44:14
  completely in our name, but, uh, so it's, um,
• 44:19
  like we say, okay, well, you know, my grandfather
• 44:21
  still paying the speeding tickets. So there's
• 44:24
  that. And, um, then we. we've been driving around,
• 44:30
  you know, like just, uh, like it's the first
• 44:33
  time I've actually had a car and, um, and yeah,
• 44:36
  then this, this year we were like, okay, so we
• 44:40
  were on the farm. All right. I mean, let me just
• 44:42
  speak more coherent. So we were on the farm.
• 44:43
  Like we actually like found like, like alongside
• 44:46
  a supportive family and they didn't obviously
• 44:51
  know about my transgender status, but, and they
• 44:54
  are more conservative, but we, we could like
• 44:56
  recover from. you know, last year, because I've
• 44:59
  like the, the client that I mentioned, things
• 45:01
  didn't end well. It's part of my best efforts.
• 45:04
  Like, um, some people just, just want to, uh,
• 45:09
  villainize you. And I was actually starting to
• 45:12
  transition and this client was aware of it. So
• 45:15
  we then, I was in economic dire straits and then,
• 45:19
  so I moved back in with my family and then. We
• 45:22
  stayed on this farm and we were like, I, you
• 45:26
  know, basically went monk mode and, you know,
• 45:29
  just worked on a bunch of projects. It was pretty
• 45:32
  awful. I picked up a lot of skills again, got
• 45:34
  a lot of IT certifications because I love IT
• 45:38
  and I never dreamed I would ever say that because
• 45:41
  when I, when I was a kid, I was like, no, no,
• 45:43
  no, I never want to work in IT. Got an IT job
• 45:47
  and I just fell in love with the profession because
• 45:49
  I mean, we would have known somebody who spends
• 45:51
  all their day in front of a computer that might
• 45:53
  actually be the best way to go. But still, um,
• 45:57
  it, it turned out to be the right field for me.
• 46:00
  And then like I was pulling up a lot of skills
• 46:03
  that then we, then we had to leave and then we
• 46:06
  stayed in a Rondal, a pretty small place. Um,
• 46:11
  so then we were like there for about a month
• 46:14
  and then. I saved up some money and, you know,
• 46:18
  got the plane ticket to come down to Strand.
• 46:20
  So that was in March of this year. And then,
• 46:24
  yeah, then I made my plans and then we, me and
• 46:28
  the younger siblings left the, um, left the house
• 46:32
  with the car and the dog. So then they, they
• 46:37
  moved with other family and I flew down to Strand.
• 46:41
  And then, yeah, then coming down to Strand, like,
• 46:44
  um, you know like there was one client who kept
• 46:47
  on dragging out a payment and then I don't know
• 46:51
  I was just a little bit too out of sorts to really
• 46:54
  try and look for clients because with a living
• 46:57
  situation the guy said he wanted to help me but
• 46:59
  I first wanted to do it a little bit more gradually
• 47:01
  because um you know baby steps like you know
• 47:04
  start by getting some work in getting the giving
• 47:08
  the guy some rent even though he said I could
• 47:09
  stay with him for free for three months Part
• 47:12
  of me was like, okay, maybe this is not going
• 47:14
  to work out the way you think it would. And then
• 47:17
  sure enough, a weekend, he changed his story.
• 47:19
  I was like, no, I must not start paying rent.
• 47:21
  And then I was like, okay, well, fine. I've got
• 47:25
  money coming in. And then I worked out a weekly
• 47:27
  deal and I said to him, okay, well, look, I want
• 47:30
  to try and pay you 600 around a week. I'm not
• 47:32
  sure how well I'm going to get the money from,
• 47:34
  but I'm going to make sure it happens. And I
• 47:37
  did. I did make sure it happens. I got the So
• 47:41
  he started telling, he started repeating my own
• 47:44
  advice at me and they said like, you know, people
• 47:46
  have to apply for hundreds of jobs before they
• 47:48
  get anything. So you should apply for the same.
• 47:51
  And then I did apply for hundreds of jobs. I
• 47:52
  literally did like over 300 jobs on LinkedIn
• 47:55
  and across many different places. That was a
• 47:58
  mistake because now I've got recruiters harassing
• 48:00
  me, but in any case, so, and they all want you
• 48:03
  to like go through five different interviews
• 48:05
  before you get to the interview. And it's crazy
• 48:09
  now the work world. But then eventually like
• 48:12
  the one place I applied for was platinum life
• 48:15
  Yeah, which you know, like they one of the leading
• 48:18
  they sell cancer policies mainly targeting woman
• 48:22
  or cisgender woman because it's You know, you
• 48:25
  like have to be assigned female at birth. They
• 48:27
  cover that specific part of female anatomy Cancers
• 48:32
  for that like breast cancer cervical cancer I
• 48:34
  could probably name you the eight cancers where
• 48:35
  they cover like it's been so drilled into me
• 48:37
  at this point And then I got that job and a weekend,
• 48:41
  the guy decided, okay, now he doesn't want me
• 48:44
  around anymore. Cause, um, it turned out, you
• 48:46
  know, getting a high paying job in IT is just,
• 48:49
  it's takes a lot more for nagging than just sending
• 48:53
  your CV to a random place that doesn't know you.
• 48:55
  You need to have insight connections. Uh, which
• 48:59
  is what I was trying to tell people, but they,
• 49:01
  they, this is also once again, the old mindset
• 49:04
  is, you know, just work hard and you'll get there.
• 49:06
  So I worked hard at getting work. But I still
• 49:10
  had to end up taking a tele -sales position in
• 49:12
  a completely different industry because, well,
• 49:15
  I needed money to survive and yeah, it paid decently.
• 49:18
  And I have no ill will towards that company.
• 49:20
  They pay very well. I mean, I have to say, if
• 49:23
  you make sales, they pay well, but it's also
• 49:27
  in a completely different industry. And I was
• 49:30
  like sitting there like really depressed because
• 49:32
  I'm like, I studied IT and I'm doing something
• 49:34
  completely different. It's like all my years
• 49:36
  of education and IT has now been wasted. So,
• 49:40
  and yeah, then the guy basically threw me out.
• 49:44
  I mean, I was starting to build a community there
• 49:46
  in Strand, you know, and I was also thinking,
• 49:48
  okay, how am I going to transition? But you know,
• 49:51
  people were people were getting along with me.
• 49:53
  I was being myself. I just didn't say I'm trans.
• 49:56
  And then I decided to sabotage it. And I think
• 49:59
  there was a good deal of jealousy as well, because
• 50:01
  he kept on saying things like, you know, Oh you
• 50:04
  you virgin, you know, uh, you know nothing and
• 50:07
  i'm because he was going through a divorce at
• 50:09
  the time He was talking about how macho he was
• 50:11
  and let's just say this guy makes job of the
• 50:13
  heart look like a sex symbol So it it it really
• 50:17
  isn't somebody that is aware of his own Downfalls
• 50:22
  always very aware of it and just wants to avoid
• 50:24
  it so Because I was like getting along with a
• 50:28
  lot of people and I was like he introduced me
• 50:31
  to his friends and I was getting along well with
• 50:33
  them and we were having great conversations and
• 50:36
  then Yeah, and then you kept on calling me a
• 50:40
  virgin But I said nothing to him because I was
• 50:42
  just very amused by that. It's like he didn't
• 50:44
  know that I'm actually not and Haven't been for
• 50:48
  some time, but I was just like, okay, it's fine.
• 50:50
  You know, you can live with your assumptions
• 50:52
  I don't feel the need to educate you But then,
• 50:55
  yeah, then when he found out I'm trans, then
• 50:59
  threw me out and also just lied in general. I
• 51:04
  don't even want to repeat some of the stuff he
• 51:06
  said, but he was just making up lies as he went
• 51:08
  along. I mean, it's also like when he decides
• 51:13
  to make breakfast, then I must now, he doesn't
• 51:15
  want to ask me, I must come and make it and make
• 51:17
  coffee for the two of us. And so there was also
• 51:20
  this other thing of Okay, so he asked me wants
• 51:23
  to bring him a coffee in bed as well And I was
• 51:26
  like, um, this is a bit of unusual request. It's
• 51:29
  fine. I'll do it But then I gave him his coffee
• 51:32
  and then walked out as soon as possible. So I
• 51:34
  was hoping that would be the hint Would also
• 51:37
  walk in his speedo around me and like like I
• 51:39
  said to you Jabba the heart looks better than
• 51:42
  this guy. So now you've got this massively Ugly
• 51:46
  guy walking around mainly naked and he's having
• 51:50
  a conversation with you and you're so uncomfortable
• 51:52
  around him and he's like sneezing at every woman
• 51:58
  he gets a chance at because he's going through
• 52:00
  a divorce and telling everybody about it. No
• 52:03
  wonder he's getting a divorce. Yeah yeah because
• 52:06
  also one of the things he told me was that um
• 52:10
  he was doing some work in a different part of
• 52:13
  um the western cape and then he mentioned like
• 52:16
  you know like having a sexual encounter with
• 52:19
  a much older woman and I pieced together this
• 52:21
  was while he was still married and he and his
• 52:24
  wife were supposed to be monogamous. I asked
• 52:26
  him because he said, no, he had three Sims and
• 52:30
  orgies and all that. I said, oh, so you two were
• 52:32
  swing a couple? He said, no, no, I was. So I
• 52:34
  was like, oh, okay. So just, he was just cheating.
• 52:38
  It's not how it works now. And then, so thank
• 52:42
  God he actually threw me, like I'm actually an
• 52:44
  atheist now, but thank God, praise Jesus, he
• 52:46
  threw me out. So, because it was getting a little
• 52:50
  bit much. He had a weird attachment over me and
• 52:53
  I think it probably wouldn't have been very comfortable
• 52:59
  staying there. So, it's best I left. And then
• 53:03
  yeah, then got to Stellenbosch, staying in the
• 53:07
  backpackers there while I was busy doing my telesales
• 53:10
  job. everybody was really shocked when they heard
• 53:14
  the story of, I'm basically without a house and
• 53:18
  I'm still working. I have to come in and work
• 53:20
  like nothing's different. It was the most terrible
• 53:23
  feeling in the world. It's like, where am I going
• 53:26
  to go next? I don't have a house. How did you
• 53:29
  pull that off? Good question. I think the thing
• 53:34
  that really helped me was when I came down to
• 53:36
  Strand, I immediately started doing therapy.
• 53:40
  I got a therapist through Humanitas. They're
• 53:43
  a brilliant organization. So anybody looking
• 53:44
  for mental health help in South Africa, I mean,
• 53:48
  it's free. So you can apply to Humanitas. Obviously
• 53:51
  there's a bit of a waiting list. And so I had
• 53:53
  free therapy and she's been really great. And
• 53:57
  yeah, so like every single week, like we were
• 54:00
  like checking in and you know, like checking
• 54:02
  my moods because obviously it was a huge shift
• 54:04
  coming down to Cape Town. Uh, I keep on saying
• 54:07
  Cape town when I mean the Western Cape. So the
• 54:09
  Western Cape in general. And yeah, because it's
• 54:13
  also a bit of a culture shock because things
• 54:14
  work very differently to where I'm used to and
• 54:17
  how taking the Northern part of South Africa.
• 54:20
  It's there. It's very, very quick. And here it's
• 54:24
  very much not the same way. It's very multicultural
• 54:26
  and a lot more relaxed and people are open about
• 54:30
  things like drug use, for example. And it, it
• 54:34
  was, it's quite a shock. coming down here but
• 54:37
  while I was busy working then yeah I was doing
• 54:39
  therapy and it's just you know taking it a day
• 54:42
  at a time like there were some days where I was
• 54:43
  sitting there like okay um I don't have any place
• 54:46
  booked for the night like I don't have a place
• 54:48
  to stay tonight so what am I gonna do you know
• 54:52
  and you know like tell friends you know like
• 54:55
  I need some help um and then we would just book
• 54:58
  it one night at a time and uh eventually like
• 55:02
  one of the people was working out because I was
• 55:03
  telling a lot of people while I was there at
• 55:05
  At the office like you know this happened and
• 55:07
  then one guy said okay. Well, he's leaving He
• 55:10
  can't keep up with his job and tell ourselves,
• 55:12
  but he was gonna stay with this guy in Stellenbosch
• 55:15
  So here's the contact so make contact with a
• 55:18
  guy who seemed nice enough stoner, you know So
• 55:21
  I thought he would be really relaxed. He's there
• 55:24
  in La Colline which is like on the border of
• 55:27
  Stellenbosch and Clutusville. So it's very much
• 55:30
  on the on the cusp because Stellenbosch itself
• 55:34
  Central is a lot of students, but they reach
• 55:36
  your people and then you've got the wine lands
• 55:38
  and then yeah, you've got the Here goes to a
• 55:42
  more lower income. I was saying an actually but
• 55:44
  more of a lower income area and Yeah, the reason
• 55:48
  I just mentioned is to paint a picture of what
• 55:51
  what it was like One guy spoke to, we spoke about
• 55:54
  the exact complex I was living in. His words
• 55:57
  were, it's not bad, but it's not good. So that's
• 56:01
  pretty much how we describe it. So then I stayed
• 56:04
  with this guy and he seemed normal enough. I
• 56:06
  mean, we drank a lot and you know, like he gave
• 56:09
  me some weed and I also like got into the whole
• 56:12
  weed scene for just about a month. And then I
• 56:14
  decided it wasn't for me. And then there were
• 56:19
  some hints like there initially. Because he he
• 56:22
  visited with his brother and they they're very
• 56:24
  weird people they like very Bohemian almost but
• 56:28
  Like I was a little bit inebriated at the time.
• 56:31
  So I didn't realize I'm actually Dealing with
• 56:33
  some people were saying some far -right things
• 56:35
  like it it was there I noticed it but you know,
• 56:38
  the alcohol was kind of like but that's not important
• 56:40
  right now You know, it's like because my brain
• 56:42
  was on another mission because I saw a cat who
• 56:45
  looked exactly like Hitler I know, random, but
• 56:49
  still. And then they said to me the cat's name.
• 56:54
  This cat, they said something like, I think his
• 57:00
  name is, we have a cat named something like that.
• 57:04
  Or they named him after a Nazi figure. And I
• 57:06
  was like, it's a bit weird to name your pet after
• 57:08
  a Nazi figure. So yeah, but like I said, as I
• 57:13
  was drunk at the time, it didn't fully come.
• 57:16
  Penetrate my noggin that maybe this isn't the
• 57:18
  best environment. Oh, yeah, and one woman also
• 57:20
  asked me It's like what is a woman and then then
• 57:23
  I just like answered as neutral as possible an
• 57:25
  adult human female that that's that's all I said
• 57:27
  so I didn't say anything about trans or anything
• 57:30
  because Yeah, but I was feeling like the vibes
• 57:34
  I thought this was a very friendly place because
• 57:36
  you know, I had what did I even have it? I had
• 57:39
  beer in I had some guy gave me 12 year old whiskey.
• 57:42
  Let me say that on the bottle Then I drank some
• 57:46
  of that and then I had some more beer. So I was
• 57:48
  not with the show entirely But then on the way
• 57:52
  back the the guy was saying with the landlord
• 57:54
  His car made a funny noise and he was like somebody's
• 57:58
  messing around with my car and then the whole
• 58:00
  night No, nobody touched his car anything then
• 58:03
  he was Then that was the first end that he this
• 58:07
  guy's a little bit, you know, he's not all right
• 58:09
  in the head because then also In his kitchen
• 58:13
  counter. He had this weird exercise. We would
• 58:15
  do Not kind of almost like a depth exercise,
• 58:19
  but this guy's got like massive hands. It's a
• 58:21
  big guy So then he like do these depth exercises
• 58:24
  you would hear the table crack when he's busy
• 58:27
  doing this Then later on he came in randomly
• 58:29
  and he asked me. It's like, you know, there's
• 58:32
  there's a crack over there Do you know who caused
• 58:33
  that? I looked at him like No, I didn't I didn't
• 58:39
  cause that it never got into his head. Okay,
• 58:41
  listen here It's because you're doing those freaking
• 58:43
  stupid exercises and you're cracking a table.
• 58:46
  That's what happened. So you would constantly
• 58:48
  see cracks in the wall and in his room, there
• 58:52
  was a crack above the ceiling. He said that wasn't
• 58:54
  there. And I said to him, listen, I've never
• 58:55
  been in your room. And he told me, no, no, no,
• 58:58
  you can come in and take a look. And I refused
• 59:00
  to come into his room because I just think as
• 59:02
  a matter of principle, if you've got a landlord,
• 59:04
  you never. Into their room ever. It just felt
• 59:09
  uncomfortable, especially when it's a man who
• 59:10
  barely now. I don't enter his room. You don't
• 59:12
  even have to explain it. Yeah, I don't even have
• 59:16
  to explain it, but it was just, I just told him,
• 59:18
  no, no, no. I refuse to come into your room.
• 59:20
  I firmly told him that. And I said to him, I've
• 59:21
  never been in your room. That's not me. That's,
• 59:24
  that's either it was there or somebody worked
• 59:27
  in there and they caused that crack. But I told
• 59:29
  him as well, I don't think that's just possible.
• 59:32
  So then he got more and more paranoid. And I
• 59:34
  actually really got scared for my life at one
• 59:36
  point because this guy. started threatening me
• 59:39
  and then eventually I just made, I remember this
• 59:43
  day, I was at work and sitting with this stress
• 59:46
  again, I was like, well, look, if it's being
• 59:49
  threatened by him or living in a hostel again,
• 59:53
  I would rather just go back to a hostel. So I
• 59:56
  made that decision and I was about to, you know,
• 59:58
  go home and get my things. Then he sent me a
• 1:00:00
  message and he said, okay, leave. I don't want
• 1:00:02
  you around anymore. So it was kind of like a
• 1:00:04
  call. I made the decision, but now I no longer
• 1:00:07
  have a choice in any case. And he took my, I
• 1:00:10
  gave him a thousand round deposit. He took that
• 1:00:12
  deposit as well because apparently I was the
• 1:00:14
  one causing cracks in his walls. So it just,
• 1:00:18
  people take your rent. Then they just throw you
• 1:00:21
  out the street, which is anyways illegal in South
• 1:00:23
  Africa, but people still do it in any case. So
• 1:00:26
  yeah, but then directly after that, I went back
• 1:00:29
  to the hostel where I'd stayed at the first time
• 1:00:32
  this happened. And it was really quiet and I,
• 1:00:34
  I don't know, I didn't, it felt very isolating
• 1:00:37
  there, but I met the owners. They were pretty
• 1:00:39
  jovial people. Yeah. Then eventually I got like
• 1:00:43
  applied for volunteering here at SoulFam who
• 1:00:45
  had just opened and I wasn't aware, but saw their
• 1:00:48
  website. They're like, if you're LGBT and you
• 1:00:50
  want to come and volunteer, then come here. And
• 1:00:51
  I was like, well, this is a godsend. I say again,
• 1:00:54
  as an atheist. And then, yeah, I applied to come
• 1:00:58
  down here. then for the first week I tried to
• 1:01:01
  maintain my sales job, but it became apparent
• 1:01:03
  I'm not able to do both. So then I left my tele
• 1:01:06
  -sales job and yeah, been working for myself
• 1:01:10
  freelance again. And yeah, I've also met a lot
• 1:01:15
  of interesting people through here. So it's been,
• 1:01:20
  since here, it's been on an upward journey. I've
• 1:01:23
  been... interfacing a lot with the trans community.
• 1:01:26
  Met a trans man as well now who I've been talking
• 1:01:28
  to. He's going through a bit of a rough time
• 1:01:30
  and is currently living in a shelter. Yeah, but
• 1:01:35
  it's been great interfacing with the larger trans
• 1:01:39
  community and just getting to know such awesome
• 1:01:41
  people. Make it a daily event to go down to the
• 1:01:44
  lighthouse in Greenpoint. Just hang around the
• 1:01:48
  beach there. It's so nice. So many people have
• 1:01:51
  their dogs there, so it's cool. And I walked
• 1:01:54
  through the Greenpoint park. It's such a lovely
• 1:01:56
  environment. Through basically the toughest time
• 1:02:01
  of my life, I've ended up, I've accomplished
• 1:02:03
  the major life goal, which is being in Cape Town
• 1:02:05
  itself. There's like, it was a really tough year,
• 1:02:09
  but it's, you know, as the phrase goes, it was
• 1:02:12
  the best at times. It was the worst of times.
• 1:02:14
  And that's basically been 2025 for me. So yeah,
• 1:02:18
  that's been my journey. I still think there's
• 1:02:21
  going to be a few plot twists before the year
• 1:02:23
  ends, to be honest. So I'm excited and a little
• 1:02:26
  scared to see where things go, but mainly excited.
• 1:02:30
  We still have four months to go. Yeah, that's
• 1:02:33
  scary. That is an epic story. Thank you. You
• 1:02:39
  said at one stage that you were... Sorry, I keep
• 1:02:43
  bumping this thing. You said at one stage that
• 1:02:46
  you were relieved that you were detransitioning
• 1:02:48
  back in 2023. It was relief because you don't
• 1:02:53
  have to go through transition. Or it was relief
• 1:02:58
  because you don't have to experience the discrimination
• 1:03:02
  you have to face by going through transition.
• 1:03:06
  It's a bit difficult to say, but I think. where
• 1:03:10
  my age face was at at the time was my sister
• 1:03:12
  was living with me and uh it uh like there was
• 1:03:15
  some difficulty in the family at the time and
• 1:03:17
  so it was a difficult living situation like i
• 1:03:20
  mean i didn't have any furniture and so and we
• 1:03:24
  were actually just being i think maybe what i
• 1:03:26
  felt was like we were being very positive and
• 1:03:28
  you know getting along and making some good plans
• 1:03:31
  for where we can go next and yeah that's that's
• 1:03:35
  that's mainly what i felt it's like we were actually
• 1:03:37
  getting along well And I was also maybe relieved,
• 1:03:42
  you know, I don't have to go through this discrimination
• 1:03:44
  that that's also part of it. But like I said,
• 1:03:48
  it was, it was a relief, but it was also quite
• 1:03:52
  a temporary relief because then about a month
• 1:03:56
  after that, I came crashing down again. And also
• 1:04:00
  it's with the dissociation, I realized it was
• 1:04:03
  a lot deeper than I actually thought it was.
• 1:04:05
  Like there was. I don't really still experience
• 1:04:09
  this as strongly, but at the time when I was
• 1:04:12
  living in Pretoria, because I'd gone through
• 1:04:14
  a few traumatic events from 2021 to 2023, like
• 1:04:20
  I I had COVID in 2021. I still can't smell all
• 1:04:24
  that well because of it. Like my sense of smell
• 1:04:27
  is impaired permanently because of it. Well,
• 1:04:30
  I'm not sure if permanently, but it's been basically
• 1:04:33
  permanently impaired since then. Then I I went
• 1:04:37
  through a lot of traumatic experiences like,
• 1:04:39
  you know, being sexually assaulted at the workplace
• 1:04:42
  and also just experiencing that. And then I started
• 1:04:47
  to come to terms with my gender identity and
• 1:04:49
  I thought, you know, is one causing the other?
• 1:04:52
  Because there is, I think there is a bit of a
• 1:04:53
  stereotype, you know, you know, if you go through
• 1:04:55
  sexual trauma, then that, there is that stereotype
• 1:04:59
  and unfortunately it was ingrained into me. So
• 1:05:01
  I thought one is causing the other. So I was
• 1:05:05
  like, still believing that and you know the transitioning
• 1:05:09
  and thinking that is because of this because
• 1:05:13
  in When was it? I think it was late 2022. It
• 1:05:19
  was before my sister came to stay with me early
• 1:05:21
  2023 Actually late 2022 the the month before
• 1:05:25
  I started going to therapy like I mean So some
• 1:05:29
  girl I knew flashed me at the working environment
• 1:05:31
  and that that doesn't sound like much but it
• 1:05:34
  was traumatic just you know being you know having
• 1:05:37
  somebody expose themselves to you while you're
• 1:05:39
  busy at work and I've because I was working on
• 1:05:43
  the computer you know it's the one place I actually
• 1:05:44
  really feel safe I always feel safe when I'm
• 1:05:47
  looking at a computer when it's my computer or
• 1:05:49
  somebody else's and then ever since then it's
• 1:05:52
  just it's been very hard for me to actually sit
• 1:05:54
  here physically doing this without you know spacing
• 1:05:56
  out because it it seemed like a minor thing because
• 1:06:01
  you know and there's also a lot of stereotypes
• 1:06:04
  in place but then I started going through this
• 1:06:08
  transition and I was also thinking is it because
• 1:06:12
  of this or that and you know and then about a
• 1:06:16
  few months later like one of my neighbors at
• 1:06:19
  the place I was staying at he invited me in for
• 1:06:22
  a drink and like I thought okay the guy was a
• 1:06:26
  little bit weird but you know I'm weird too so
• 1:06:28
  I thought whatever The next thing you know, he's
• 1:06:31
  like trying to push me into something. They like
• 1:06:33
  making advances. And I told them, listen here,
• 1:06:36
  I'm not interested. Um, and then he knew what
• 1:06:39
  he was doing is wrong. And then I just had to
• 1:06:41
  quickly hightail it out of that situation. And
• 1:06:44
  so I made a call to my, to my dad to go and do
• 1:06:46
  my laundry. Place I had I didn't have a washing
• 1:06:50
  machine. So I had to always lug my laundry in
• 1:06:53
  the in the washing bin two blocks back home Like
• 1:06:57
  walk with it because I didn't have a have a car.
• 1:06:59
  So then that was my escape So I got on the call
• 1:07:03
  with a guy with my dad and then just walked out
• 1:07:06
  of the apartment The guy said nothing didn't
• 1:07:08
  come to look for me or anything. I think he knew
• 1:07:11
  like okay charades over and Yeah, then I thankfully
• 1:07:18
  took some, well, I didn't go through lawyer,
• 1:07:21
  but I went through official means to get the
• 1:07:23
  guy out of the apartment complex and he left
• 1:07:26
  without any further incident. So I drew upon
• 1:07:29
  my support network, but I also think then there
• 1:07:31
  was a little bit of discrimination that happened
• 1:07:33
  because I mean, I think maybe those people, I
• 1:07:38
  noticed there was a pulling away with communication.
• 1:07:42
  We were once on good terms, but now suddenly
• 1:07:43
  they weren't. really talking to me anymore when
• 1:07:45
  I mentioned what had happened, because I told
• 1:07:47
  them exactly what happened the day it happened.
• 1:07:48
  I sent a voice now to the guy, the manager, and
• 1:07:54
  they were pretty shocked by it, but they, I don't
• 1:07:57
  know, they made it more about themselves than
• 1:07:58
  anything else. So they didn't really ever check
• 1:08:01
  in with me again, ask how I'm doing. And my first
• 1:08:05
  therapist turned into a racial issue. So that
• 1:08:08
  was weird. second therapist was at least very
• 1:08:14
  supportive. So I spoke about both of these. And
• 1:08:17
  then, so to come back to the old relief I felt
• 1:08:20
  was the reason why I was short -lived is because
• 1:08:23
  I was still dealing with that trauma. And that's
• 1:08:26
  not something that really goes away easily. Because
• 1:08:30
  it becomes such a weird part. It's like a computer
• 1:08:34
  virus, a worm. It infects different parts of
• 1:08:37
  your system and then things aren't running correctly
• 1:08:40
  and you just... Don't know why and then I also
• 1:08:44
  realized like this. There's a lot of stuff that
• 1:08:48
  By my traumatic response is to look for affirmation
• 1:08:51
  from people the whole time even bad people have
• 1:08:53
  this compulsive need to be on the good side and
• 1:08:56
  Then I would look at myself act and I'm like,
• 1:08:59
  you see I mean my sister also pointed this out
• 1:09:01
  to me It's like why are you befriending some
• 1:09:04
  of the biggest assholes in the world? Why are
• 1:09:06
  you being nice to them? Tell them to fuck off?
• 1:09:09
  And I would be like no I have to you know Because
• 1:09:13
  I thought I did because I didn't know my anything
• 1:09:17
  about my attachment style until now recently
• 1:09:19
  I realized that I'm you know preoccupied anxious
• 1:09:22
  and this this is exactly what an anxious attachment
• 1:09:25
  style does is you're always scared of being abandoned
• 1:09:27
  so you and you're always scared of conflict so
• 1:09:30
  you do whatever you can not to be abandoned and
• 1:09:33
  even if you're not in a good environment and
• 1:09:36
  then yeah, then eventually Being around people
• 1:09:40
  who've hurt me a lot that were being around the
• 1:09:43
  same person who you know harassed me It started
• 1:09:46
  to really chip away at me just piece by piece.
• 1:09:49
  It's all I could no longer function so when she
• 1:09:51
  had to leave the environment and then but I started
• 1:09:54
  transitioning again and then yeah, and once again
• 1:09:59
  this I've realized now there is this pattern
• 1:10:01
  where I seem to get involved with we could have
• 1:10:05
  bad men in my life and that I think it's that
• 1:10:09
  attachment style keeps on drawing because they
• 1:10:11
  see this vulnerability and they like to prey
• 1:10:13
  on it. This happened to me so many times. I mean,
• 1:10:19
  when like the landlords I mentioned, but what
• 1:10:21
  I also didn't mention is like this year, like
• 1:10:23
  there was somebody who I thought was a friend.
• 1:10:25
  I mean, the guy was really cold and critical
• 1:10:27
  and negative towards me and he was saying racerialist
• 1:10:29
  stuff. But when I was kicked out, like Stayed
• 1:10:32
  with a guy for a weekend, but I'm not gonna go
• 1:10:34
  into a lot of detail with Lisa say he plastered
• 1:10:36
  me with so many drinks I couldn't really function
• 1:10:38
  anymore. And then like I drew a boundary with
• 1:10:41
  him at one sexual act like we started to hook
• 1:10:45
  up but Then I told them there's one act, you
• 1:10:48
  know, like I'm not open to and then while he
• 1:10:51
  thought I was asleep he tried to do that with
• 1:10:53
  me and then because I was still awake asked him
• 1:10:57
  what are you doing and then he immediately backed
• 1:10:59
  off like the guy became shit scared very quickly
• 1:11:02
  because he knew what he was doing was wrong so
• 1:11:04
  then I just got out of bed and went and stepped
• 1:11:06
  in the next room once same deal but guy never
• 1:11:09
  checked in or asked about it he knew what he
• 1:11:11
  was doing is wrong but then later through therapy
• 1:11:16
  like I remember my my therapist was actually
• 1:11:19
  a little bit freaked out when I told her this
• 1:11:21
  is like this whole event came spelling out is
• 1:11:24
  like she told me this sounds very traumatic and
• 1:11:26
  I was like yeah it was and then eventually I
• 1:11:29
  was trying to make peace with the guy again you
• 1:11:31
  know fearful attachment you know like I feel
• 1:11:35
  I need to do what's best then I just like I woke
• 1:11:40
  up the next morning and like a voice inside my
• 1:11:42
  head told me hey you know this you don't need
• 1:11:46
  this guy in your life you really should stay
• 1:11:47
  away from him so then I sent him a message and
• 1:11:49
  I said to him Look, I've tried to make peace
• 1:11:53
  with you, but you're not a good person. I want
• 1:11:55
  nothing to do with you. Don't even contact me
• 1:11:57
  again." And I blocked him. And I'm really glad
• 1:12:00
  I did that because that was actually a major
• 1:12:03
  turning point for me. And I think that's really
• 1:12:06
  been the biggest victory this year was just realizing
• 1:12:10
  that, hey, you know, this is why I keep on falling
• 1:12:15
  into the same pattern the whole time. And I've
• 1:12:17
  taken steps to stop it from happening, but it's...
• 1:12:20
  It's difficult. I mean if you've been raised
• 1:12:23
  with an abusive parent like an abusive father
• 1:12:26
  then that And especially like at the level we
• 1:12:32
  were raised. It's so insidious. It's like Like
• 1:12:36
  I told my therapist, you know, I've healed with
• 1:12:38
  a lot of wounds and I've learned to work past
• 1:12:40
  them But there's it's death by a thousand cuts.
• 1:12:44
  I've healed 500 cuts, but I've still got 500
• 1:12:46
  more I've got to work through so you don't realize
• 1:12:49
  how much of your life is just governed by post
• 1:12:52
  -trauma and Yeah, it's but I have to say realizing
• 1:12:58
  who my attachment style and Realizing it's because
• 1:13:02
  of because your attachment style falls when you're
• 1:13:05
  at your most helpless your first Three years
• 1:13:08
  your first 18 months. So that's before your conscious
• 1:13:11
  memory really starts to kick in So that's actually
• 1:13:15
  when you're helpless. So it's something that's
• 1:13:18
  beyond, I'm not in control, I'm not in control
• 1:13:21
  of the fact that I have an anxious attachment
• 1:13:24
  style, but I'm still in control of how I react
• 1:13:27
  and we can start to heal and become more secure
• 1:13:30
  in our attachments. And I think, yeah, that was
• 1:13:34
  the biggest thing I realized was like, I have
• 1:13:36
  this pattern of getting involved with these bad
• 1:13:38
  men and realizing that now is also like a cool.
• 1:13:43
  if I meet a man and he's making all kinds of
• 1:13:45
  promises, then I really have to look at the facts.
• 1:13:48
  And it's almost like you have this self -hatred
• 1:13:51
  that keeps on letting you fall into the same
• 1:13:53
  pattern. But yeah, it's been a difficult thing
• 1:13:58
  to deal with. And yeah, it's been very healing,
• 1:14:03
  but at the same time, there's still a lot of
• 1:14:05
  work to be done. So yeah, but to answer your
• 1:14:07
  question, that's how my year was. That's wild.
• 1:14:10
  I was thinking about I had multiple questions
• 1:14:13
  to ask while you were talking and they've gone
• 1:14:18
  away. Yeah. I was a little bit on a roll there,
• 1:14:22
  but yeah. I don't know what my attachment style
• 1:14:27
  is. What I do know is I've always been an exhibitionist
• 1:14:30
  and a bit of a slut. So those are things that
• 1:14:39
  I'm coming to terms with now. And I'm not saying
• 1:14:44
  those things as a bad thing. The stigmas have
• 1:14:47
  been lifted. But sometimes there's still self
• 1:14:52
  -deprecation. Let me tell you about my year anyway.
• 1:15:00
  I'm just trying to think about where to start.
• 1:15:02
  Back in 2022, my relationship became open and
• 1:15:08
  not... polyamorous, just open to being polyamorous.
• 1:15:22
  The right term is non -monogamous, right? Because
• 1:15:27
  those two things I think are a little bit different.
• 1:15:37
  And that didn't come from a bad space. You know,
• 1:15:40
  I hate this idea in a lot of the world that couples
• 1:15:46
  do this to try and save their marriage or whatever.
• 1:15:50
  No, our marriage was not in a great place. And
• 1:15:55
  then we tried something that we had discussed
• 1:15:58
  plenty of times before and it worked and our
• 1:16:02
  relationship started improving. My We also we
• 1:16:08
  also dug ourselves out of a mountain of debt
• 1:16:12
  in the order of out twenty or thirty thousand
• 1:16:15
  euros dollars and So that took about three years
• 1:16:20
  and we bought a new car in that time that I paid
• 1:16:23
  off so basically for for three years there was
• 1:16:27
  no money where we're like living living on this
• 1:16:30
  ground just and when I when I When I finally
• 1:16:34
  dug myself out of that, there was just this massive
• 1:16:37
  sense of relief and I came into a new job where
• 1:16:42
  there was enough money to start saving in earnest
• 1:16:48
  and start relaxing and stepping back. and thinking
• 1:16:53
  about things. And I've always wanted a podcast.
• 1:16:55
  Since the time I knew about podcast, I've wanted
• 1:17:00
  one, but I never knew what I wanted to talk about.
• 1:17:02
  Enter Kaleidoscope, because I realized that I
• 1:17:05
  just want to talk to people. I just want to find
• 1:17:08
  out what their stories are, how they've come
• 1:17:12
  to the space where they're at, and what that
• 1:17:17
  means for them. And then try and learn from that.
• 1:17:21
  because I think we can learn from everybody.
• 1:17:24
  And I also think that my own life was so kind
• 1:17:29
  of secluded and shut off for my own protection
• 1:17:33
  of hiding the fact that I'm transgender and just
• 1:17:40
  being perceived as an introvert. and having very
• 1:17:45
  few friends, not really socializing a lot. But
• 1:17:49
  when I do get talking, I love to go as deep as
• 1:17:53
  possible, especially with strangers. I just love
• 1:17:56
  interacting with strange people, like people
• 1:17:59
  I don't know, not strange people. Anyway, I became
• 1:18:06
  more and more depressed. We've been through this
• 1:18:09
  and then I found Away, and I went on to estrogen
• 1:18:14
  about a and spironolactone So anti androgens
• 1:18:21
  also think that I may have always been intersex
• 1:18:25
  or androgen insensitive Because I have never
• 1:18:29
  been a hairy person ever No, I was preparing
• 1:18:34
  to tell my family my closest relatives that I
• 1:18:39
  am transitioning And then I phoned them. I don't
• 1:18:43
  want to give too many details in public. They've
• 1:18:46
  asked not to. And I respect that. But I phoned
• 1:18:50
  and I was told that my letter had been read.
• 1:18:54
  And I was like, what letter? I haven't sent anyone
• 1:18:57
  any letters. And then they were like, oh, you're
• 1:19:01
  trans. Q, just like a defensive knee jerk reaction
• 1:19:04
  of me saying that this is completely out of line.
• 1:19:10
  And to invalidate that person's autonomy by telling
• 1:19:16
  other people is one of the worst things that
• 1:19:19
  you could possibly do to them. Imagine at the
• 1:19:24
  time I credited to a pregnant woman who finds
• 1:19:28
  out that she is pregnant, she confides in you
• 1:19:31
  that she is pregnant, but she tells you that
• 1:19:33
  she's not ready to tell anybody, and then you
• 1:19:36
  immediately go into life. It's a violation of
• 1:19:40
  privacy in the extreme. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah.
• 1:19:47
  Anyway, so then I was, and I had also just received
• 1:19:53
  my prescription to get, I live in China, received
• 1:19:58
  my prescription to get HRT in China. So I started
• 1:20:01
  off non -prescription. I had. Made my own estrogen
• 1:20:07
  a lot of it I have enough estrogen in that drawer
• 1:20:12
  over there to last me like two years so I had
• 1:20:16
  made my own and Just just to prepare because
• 1:20:19
  I had no idea what was going to happen, but I
• 1:20:21
  know that if I stop it's not going to be It's
• 1:20:26
  not going to be good It's not it's not a good
• 1:20:29
  thing for for me because my brain has rewired
• 1:20:35
  itself completely. Like I don't think the same
• 1:20:38
  way anymore. I don't perceive the world in the
• 1:20:40
  same way. And that happened like days after I
• 1:20:43
  realized and embraced this my own identity. So
• 1:20:48
  anyway, I had just received this prescription
• 1:20:52
  and I was trying to figure out how to deal with
• 1:20:56
  it, especially because I work with kids and Donald
• 1:20:59
  Trump had just been elected and told the world
• 1:21:03
  that we don't exist and that we are not who we
• 1:21:09
  say we are and that we are just a whole litany
• 1:21:12
  of terrible heinous things and we want to shoot
• 1:21:16
  everyone with guns apparently. So this was a
• 1:21:21
  problem for me and I knew that if I wanted to
• 1:21:24
  tell, like if somebody discovered this and I
• 1:21:28
  hadn't been proactive in that process, it could
• 1:21:32
  be very bad for me so I went to HR and I told
• 1:21:36
  them and then they two days later they said hey
• 1:21:41
  you said you would resign so we're here to collect
• 1:21:44
  your resignation letter and I told them that's
• 1:21:49
  not what I said there has been a heinous miscommunication
• 1:21:53
  I don't think you understand what I mean I tried
• 1:21:57
  to explain myself They said, we will take your
• 1:22:01
  resignation letter. You're going to affect the
• 1:22:04
  children. And then at that point I said, well,
• 1:22:06
  then you have to speak to them. So I did get
• 1:22:08
  a lawyer and everything stalled out because they
• 1:22:10
  wanted my visa to expire and forced me to leave,
• 1:22:14
  which would have been very bad. Even though I
• 1:22:19
  had other methods of staying in China, it just
• 1:22:23
  would have made my life quite difficult. So I
• 1:22:28
  went through about five months of just horrible
• 1:22:35
  hostility at work where my boss started completely
• 1:22:40
  ignoring me. People didn't respond like I would
• 1:22:44
  send HR a message like I need this document by
• 1:22:46
  this time. No response. I need you to tell me
• 1:22:50
  about this. And then they changed it. Oh, you
• 1:22:53
  don't want to give us your resignation letter?
• 1:22:56
  uh, we're canceling our contract. And then I
• 1:22:59
  said, well, my contract is a lot of money, a
• 1:23:02
  lot, a lot of money. And if you want to take
• 1:23:05
  that route, then you're going to pay me out the
• 1:23:09
  full value of the contract because that's, that's
• 1:23:12
  the rule. That's the, that's the labor law in
• 1:23:15
  China. Eventually they decided, well, I backed
• 1:23:18
  off because I don't want to sit fighting people.
• 1:23:22
  I need to find a job and my mental health with
• 1:23:26
  Donald Trump and work and trying to find a new
• 1:23:29
  job and the risk of defaulting on any payments
• 1:23:33
  or anything became a major problem for me. So
• 1:23:39
  I settled. I took basically three months of severance.
• 1:23:47
  So this month will be the last payment from that
• 1:23:50
  school. And I got a new visa. And I've been able
• 1:23:55
  to move to a new school and it's a much more
• 1:24:01
  liberal school, but I'm not openly trans there.
• 1:24:05
  It is a problem though, because some students
• 1:24:08
  are asking, why do you teach her? Why do you
• 1:24:10
  look like a girl? And that also prompted me to
• 1:24:16
  go to South Africa and meet you, Kira. Because
• 1:24:20
  I realized that if I don't... Like, I have this
• 1:24:25
  contract now. If something happens, if I lose
• 1:24:29
  this contract or next year they don't renew me,
• 1:24:33
  I might not be able to get a new job because
• 1:24:37
  my androgyny is to the extent where kids just
• 1:24:43
  are much more perceptive than adults when it
• 1:24:48
  comes to gender. and even the performance of
• 1:24:51
  gender because they're still learning it. And
• 1:24:54
  what they see doesn't matter what I wear. It
• 1:24:57
  doesn't matter about my presentation or expression
• 1:25:02
  at work. They see a female teacher teaching them.
• 1:25:09
  And yeah, so anyway, I just want to avoid as
• 1:25:11
  much trouble as that. So my passport is going
• 1:25:14
  to change to... F and my name will change to
• 1:25:21
  Ruby Ray. And once that happens, I will probably
• 1:25:25
  lose this job where I am. I hope not. I know
• 1:25:28
  the principal. I've worked with him before. He's
• 1:25:31
  given me teacher of the year before. I know his
• 1:25:34
  assistant very well. We worked together in the
• 1:25:37
  previous school that we're at. They both like
• 1:25:40
  me. And the school is big enough to transfer
• 1:25:46
  me to another department where I will never have
• 1:25:48
  to see the students that I am working with now
• 1:25:52
  ever again. Or I could go to a kindergarten within
• 1:25:56
  the same school. And I would like to do that.
• 1:26:01
  But if they don't let me do that, then I will
• 1:26:03
  just find a new job. But I will force them to
• 1:26:08
  legally change my visa over so that I don't have
• 1:26:11
  to show the new school my old passport. Because
• 1:26:13
  that is my legal right. Like my passport will
• 1:26:17
  change, my identity will change, but my obligation
• 1:26:20
  to the previous identity is persistent. My personhood
• 1:26:25
  is persistent. So yeah, there's also president,
• 1:26:28
  but the problem is the fact that Children are
• 1:26:33
  involved and parents are involved and school
• 1:26:35
  payments are involved and I'm in a conservative
• 1:26:38
  country. It just makes everything much, much
• 1:26:40
  harder. Oh, and I was talking about polyamory.
• 1:26:44
  That has now become a factor that I have been
• 1:26:49
  able to explore much more in my new state of
• 1:26:56
  being. Um, and it's lovely. Um, it's lovely.
• 1:27:01
  We'll leave it at that. That's my year. I'm facing
• 1:27:06
  much, much more discrimination, hate, just a
• 1:27:15
  torrent of hate that I would never have been
• 1:27:21
  able to conceive of in the wildest fantastical
• 1:27:27
  fantasy story. streaming its way into my inbox
• 1:27:33
  on a daily fucking basis. And I just, I, I'm,
• 1:27:39
  I don't think people realize, I don't think people
• 1:27:42
  realize the extent, even transphobes don't realize
• 1:27:44
  the extent of the hate that they pour our way.
• 1:27:48
  Um, for no valid reason. So, but my point is
• 1:27:54
  despite all of that, I am sparkling. And, uh,
• 1:28:03
  yeah, they can go fuck themselves. Yeah, absolutely.
• 1:28:08
  Yeah. Or subscribe, you know, if you, you can
• 1:28:11
  subscribe, you can keep pouring the hate. Just
• 1:28:13
  give me that engagement. Follow and subscribe.
• 1:28:18
  Absolutely. Yeah. My story was considered shorter
• 1:28:23
  than yours. Yeah. I felt like I had stories within
• 1:28:31
  stories I had to tell. It's usually the way it
• 1:28:36
  goes. No, it's fine. You have to get them out.
• 1:28:38
  Yeah, I do. I'm still going to talk about them
• 1:28:42
  in more detail. On my channel, I did briefly
• 1:28:45
  talk about the evictions, but I think also a
• 1:28:49
  lot of YouTubers do story time. I think especially
• 1:28:51
  the Stellenbosch one is like... It's a pretty,
• 1:28:54
  pretty crazy story. I mean, there's a lot more
• 1:28:57
  to it. Like the guy had his toaster on the balcony.
• 1:29:00
  That's another story in and of itself. Because
• 1:29:04
  he thought the cockroaches can't get it if he
• 1:29:05
  puts his toaster on the balcony. There were all
• 1:29:08
  kinds of weird things that happened there. That's
• 1:29:10
  just, it's funny now in retrospect, but it was
• 1:29:13
  very stressful to live with. But it does sound
• 1:29:16
  like - Hold the fuck up. Wait. Just hold on.
• 1:29:20
  Somebody had a cockroach problem and their solution
• 1:29:25
  to the problem was to move, to move their appliance
• 1:29:29
  away from the cockroaches in the same house,
• 1:29:34
  but not try to get rid of the cockroaches. Yeah.
• 1:29:38
  Exactly. This is why we choose the pear. I will
• 1:29:45
  choose the pear. He also thought he was destroying
• 1:29:52
  their morale by, I don't know, putting an old
• 1:29:55
  t -shirt in a hole to keep them away. Because
• 1:29:58
  apparently cockroaches are too dumb to get around
• 1:30:00
  a t -shirt. There's all kinds of weird, weird
• 1:30:04
  things. He moved his toast outside and told me
• 1:30:06
  to put the toast outside and yeah. She's gonna
• 1:30:11
  be back in a second, but... That is insane. That's
• 1:30:21
  insane. You cannot, you cannot put a hole, you
• 1:30:28
  cannot put cloth in front of a cockroach nest
• 1:30:32
  or whatever burrow, whatever you call that, to
• 1:30:37
  get rid of cockroach. They will eat the cotton.
• 1:30:41
  They don't give a fuck. Okay. You don't know
• 1:30:44
  their diet. This man is probably one of those
• 1:30:49
  who does not invest into toilet paper. This man
• 1:30:57
  is probably one of those who thinks that it is
• 1:31:01
  emasculating to shower on a regular basis and
• 1:31:04
  keep clean. Do you guys destroy the morale of
• 1:31:08
  cockroaches with cotton? Let's message Kira and
• 1:31:12
  see if we can get her back.