Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S2 Ep19: Marriage Secrets from the Funny Side" 🤣.

Transcript

S2 Ep19: Marriage Secrets from the Funny Side" 🤣. · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, your wife's in town?
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_04: Oh yeah.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_04: She's having a good time?
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_04: She always has a good time.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_04: Good.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_04: This is Leon.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_04: She's a lovely lady.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_04: She's getting old.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_04: Well, women age like like fine wine.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_04: She's aging like milk.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_04: You guys get another argument this morning?
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, what happened?
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_04: I don't know.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_04: She rolled out of bed, jumped on her menstrual cycle, and ran my ass over.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_04: Never heard it put quite that way before.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, it even has a sound.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_04: It goes nag nag nag nag nag nag.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_04: How long have you been married?
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_04: Uh what is it now?
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_04: Uh 46 years.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_04: What was the happiest moment of your life?
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_04: 47 years ago.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_04: How long have you been married?
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_04: Uh 15 years.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_04: You'll see.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_04: I'll see what.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_04: Remember when you said till death do us part?
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_04: Later you'll realize you're actually setting a goal.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_04: Well, then what exactly is marriage to you?
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_04: It's like drinking a slurpee, slurpee.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_04: First couple of shits are like, Whoa, it's really good.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_04: I'm glad I did this.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_04: And you keep drinking, it goes right to your head, and you go, ow, ow, ow, ow.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_04: What the hell was I thinking?
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_04: Someone killed me, please.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_04: It eventually stops hurting.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, then you're stupid enough taking out a frickin' snap.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_04: Ain't the same anymore, is it?
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_04: What being married all these years?
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_04: What you can't look at other women now, you can't talk to them, you can't do nothing.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_04: What are you talking about?
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_04: I'll show you what I'm talking about.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_04: See this lovely young lady sitting right here in the front row.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_04: This gorgeous young thing.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_04: Do you see her?
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_04: Do you see her?
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah?
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_04: Oh well.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_04: Only thing you can do now is run to the end of your chain and bark.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_04: It's kind of like buying a new car, a new car.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_04: You know when you see that car on the showroom floor just before you take it home?
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, that's as good as it's ever gonna look.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_04: Pretty soon it'll have dips and scratches, parts start to go bad, then the new models come out, and you're like, ohny, can I just sit in it?
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: And COVID wasn't just all about medical issues either.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: COVID had had forced a lot of us to reevaluate our marriages.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: I know where you are.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm one of them.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: My lovely bride and I have been married for 40 years.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: But let me tell you something.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: The reason we've been married for 40 years is because I go away.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: I often tell her I'm the perfect husband.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: I go on the road, pick up a check, come home, drop it off, leave again.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: But COVID hit, and now we're together 24-7, and we had a little digesting to do.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: I learned a lot about Gail that I didn't know.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: You would think after 40 years of marriage, I'd know everything there is to know about that woman.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: But I learned a lot.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: I learned that she's addicted to Bed Bath and Beyond.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I think they ought to call it Bed Bath and Beyond your budget.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: She just buys crap.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: One day she came in and she goes, We need to go to Bed Bath and Beyond.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: I said, For what?
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: And she goes, I need to get clothes hangers.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Don't we get them free from the cleaners?
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, No, I need these special kind, and you ladies will know what I'm talking about.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: She said, I need the kind with the velvet on them.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: I said, for what she goes, so it keeps my dress from falling off.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: I go, that's been our problem for 40 years.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: My other favorite was, she goes, we need to go to bed, bath, and beyond.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: I go, now for what?
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: And she goes, she said, I need to get guest towels.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: I go, for what?
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, so when people stay with us, Bill, they have towels they can use.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: I said, well, here's a thought.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: We have a washer and dryer.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: And those folks don't live with us, so they don't know that our regular towels ain't our guest towels.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: And if they bitch about us, screw them, they can go stay at the hilt.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: I said, you're just buying crap.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, Well, you buy crap at Bass Pro Shop.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: I said, No, ma'am.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: I buy essential items at Bass Pro Shop.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, like what?
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, like, I need a cooler that knows whether to keep my beer cold or my coffee hot.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: That's essential.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, you're an idiot.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: I go, I'll be an idiot with a cold beer.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I'll be.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: But it's just weird to see how she was acting during COVID.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: Because if and I swear, if I didn't know better, I think she was pregnant.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: Because she was nesting.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: I swear.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: I would get a cup of coffee, take two sips of it, set it down on a stool, and walk three steps away.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: And she goes, Are you done with that?
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Well, there's three quarters of it left.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: There's still steam coming off it, so I'm gonna go, no, Alex.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, Well, you know where to put it when it's done.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: I go, right, we throw it out in the street.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, No, you put it in the dishwasher and put it in the dishwasher right.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: I go, What do you mean, right?
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, I didn't know this, fellas.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: Did you know this?
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: That there is a wrong way and a right way to load a dishwasher.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: See?
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know that.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: One night we had dinner, and I we finished dinner, and I took my plate and my silverware and I walked to the dishwasher, put them in there, shut the dishwasher.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: Here comes Gil right behind me.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: Opens up, starts rearranging.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: I said, What are you doing?
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, You put them in there wrong.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: I said, What are you talking about?
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, Bill, you can't put bowl, plate, cup, bowl, plate, plate, cup, bowl, plate.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: I go, why not?
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, they won't get clean.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: I said, have you ever actually been inside a dishwasher?
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Here's something else I didn't know, Gang.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: Did you know that women can have a bad day and blame the whole day on their hair?
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know that.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: One day during COVID, Gail was in a pissy mood.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: God, she was in a pissy mood.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, What's wrong with Johnny?
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: And she goes, Oh, my the girl that cut my hair did it all wrong.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: I can't get it right and it just ruined the whole damn day.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, wow.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: Fella couldn't get away with that.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Fella couldn't have a bad wiener day.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: This is another thing I learned.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: My lovely wife likes, she has to say things out loud.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's how she gets them straight in her head.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: Perfectly fine if you know that's going on.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: But we'll be in the car.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm driving, and this is what I'll hear.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I need to go to the cleaners, I need to make a hair appointment, I need to make sure to get my nails done.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, she goes, I'm not, I'm not talking to you.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: Fine.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: I keep driving.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: Can I hear?
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, do we have dog phone?
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, wait, wait, wait, do we need to pick up those tickets?
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: And uh we need to do we need to make reservations for dinner and I'll just keep driving.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: And she goes, Are you gonna answer me?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, if I knew who you were talking to.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: Me or your little imaginary friend down there.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: This was my other favorite one.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: The other day she came and she goes, I think you need to get your hearing tested.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, What?
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, see?
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: I was joking.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, No, Bill, I really think you need to get your hearing tested because you don't hear half the stuff I say.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember when I the day I got married, my granddaddy pulled me aside and he said, Son, you want the secret to a long and happy marriage?
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: Pick your battles.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: He said, if you go to war every time, you're gonna lose.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember thinking, this is a battle.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: So I said, All right, I'll go get my hearing tested.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: So I went to the hearing doctor, gave me the test.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, Your hearing's fine.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Thank you very much.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: Went home.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: Gail said, How'd it go?
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: I said, he said, my hearing's just fine.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: She said, Well, how do you is that you don't hear half the stuff I say?
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: I said, you know, it's funny you bring that up.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Because he said that maybe you shouldn't wait till you're at the other end of the house before you start talking to me.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Look at the women, fellas, look at them, look at them.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: They know it's in their little bullet in their arsenal right there.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: I swear to God, Gil, and I could be sitting in the same room for three hours, not a word is said.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: I get up and walk to the other end of the house and I hear this.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: Now I gotta come back in and go, what?
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: See?
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: You're hard of hearing?
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_08: I go, no, dogs couldn't hear what you were saying.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_08: But I love my parents, man.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_08: They've been together for a while, and you know how they make it work?
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_08: They're always trash talking each other.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_08: You know, my parents, that's all they do.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_08: That's how they keep it fun, man.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_08: But it's not mean spirit, it's just fun.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_08: Like, like, for instance, my dad, me growing up in an all-white neighborhood, wanted me to know that I was black.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_08: I remember one day, 10 years old, watching cartoons, he bust in and went, son, if you're 1% black in America, you are black, and just leaves the room.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_08: My mom pokes her head in and goes, Hissos the bed.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_08: You Asian tick.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_08: My dad goes, stupid, I'm a black man with a PhD.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_08: My mom goes, everyone in Korea had PhD.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: He came to me the other day, he's like, hey, babe, can't use your toothbrush real quick.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_01: I said, What?
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: Like, that's an option for you.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you're thinking about it.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_05: Sick!
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, what?
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: Just like kissing.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: We kiss at the same thing.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_01: I do not scrape off your tartar with my tongue.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I know I'm pretty amazing.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm almost positive I cannot prevent cavities.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: My husband likes to leave his shoes right in the middle of a walkway.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: Like as soon as you open the door, boom, shoes.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: Now you couldn't kick them off to the side.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: That was hard to do.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_01: So all throughout the house, I just trip over shoes like, oi, study dog.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_01: We're still real new, so like I still try to look cute when I sleep.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_01: But right now I still try to look cute, right?
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_01: But it's kind of hard because I sleep with Invisalign trays in my mouth.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: So sometimes when I wake up, my lip will get stuck to the plastic tray.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: I wake up looking like Fire Marshall Bill.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: Like full on, let me show you a shunt.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: My face will be all greasy.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_01: That's not cute.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_01: So when I feel myself starting to wake up, like I'll fix my lip real quick.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_01: I put grease on my lip like it's glass.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_01: Make it work.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: Make it work.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_01: And we're pretty good with decision making, right?
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_01: Like he'll come to me with stuff, I'll come to him with stuff, like teamwork, you know.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_01: But uh every now and then he'll try to go off and do his own thing.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: Like uh recently we just bought some curtains for the house.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: And I told him, I said, when you're at the store, take a picture of him and send it to me before you buy it, right?
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_01: But he forgot that part.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_01: So I came home to these gaudy Armenian curtains hanging in my house that are like two feet too short.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_01: I got high water curtains.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_01: That first thing my brother came over the house, he's like, uh, why you got capri pan curtains?
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not a good cook.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_01: And it's kind of embarrassing because I feel like cooking is a bragging right for men.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_01: Like, men like to brag about their wives who can cook.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you'll hear a guy say something like, hey, my wife, she'll whip you up something good in the kitchen.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_01: Phyllis, even if you're not married, but you have a girlfriend and you know that she can cook, you will brag to your boys.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_01: You'll be like, hey, yo, son, my girl, flicker the flicker the wrist.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_01: Or however you talk, I don't know how you talk.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_01: So my poor husband.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_01: He can't brag.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like maybe he can chime in a little bit with like, ah, yo, son, you see how fast my wife put in that to go order.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_01: With extra ketchup.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_01: That's wifey, son.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_01: No, I can't cook.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_01: I need somebody to teach me how to cook.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_01: And don't just give me a recipe, okay?
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_01: Don't start tweeting me recipes after the show.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_01: Because when I read recipes, I read them as suggestions.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like when I see the list of ingredients, to me what that says is if you have any of these.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_01: And I usually don't.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_01: No, I need some fundamental training.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_01: I need to know if I put something on the stove, does the flame need to be this big or this big?
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_01: Because I will burn some scrambled eggs.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_01: I'll burn a hard-boiled egg.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_01: I said to my husband one time, I said, babe, good morning.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_01: You want me to make you breakfast?
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_01: I'll make you some eggs.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_01: He said, Yeah, how about over medium?
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_01: Huh?
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_01: How about some over medium eggs?
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_01: That's like the flame at medium.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_01: Nah, babe, you put the egg in the pan, you make a medium.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_01: Oh.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I'm gonna put the egg in the pan.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_01: But if it breaks, I'm just gonna scramble it.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_01: You're gonna have some medium scramble.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_01: Some way over medium scramble.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_01: It was his birthday.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_01: I said, babe, happy birthday.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_01: You want me to make you breakfast?
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_01: He said, It's my birthday.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_01: Why?
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_01: It's to the point where if I cook, he thinks he's in trouble.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_01: He smells something in the kitchen.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_01: He comes over, starts apologizing for stuff he didn't even do.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, oh, uh, babe, um, I'm sorry, cuz uh yesterday I was um why?
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_01: Don't worry, this isn't for you.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_06: Are you married?
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_06: Or are you gonna be like this couple and cry?
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_06: How long have you been married?
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_06: 14 years?
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_06: Nice.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_06: I've been married for two.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_06: If you need any advice, come to me after the show.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_06: Tell you what I've learned so far.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_06: Women are dirtier when you date them than when you're married to them.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_06: Say thank you.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_06: A couple people laugh, they know exactly what I'm talking about.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_06: Other people aren't married.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_06: Is that true?
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah, it's true.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_06: As soon as you put a ring on their finger, they got no time to send pictures of the bing bong chicken ding-ding ding.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_06: Got errands to run as soon as you put a ring on their finger.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_06: I got no time, got no time.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_06: You know what my wife sent me a picture of the other day?
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_06: Peanut butter in the fridge.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_06: With a note saying, Did you put the peanut butter in the fridge?
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_06: There's two of us that live together, Lester Holtz.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_06: If you cannot figure out who put the peanut butter in the fridge, let me narrow it down for you.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_06: Did you put the peanut butter in the fridge?
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_06: No, because I put the peanut butter in the fridge.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_06: That's who put the peanut butter in the fridge.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_06: Case solved.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_06: Bum bung.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_06: That's right.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_06: Some of you know what that noise was.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_06: That was a law and order case-solved noise.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_05: Bum bung.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_06: And then my wife said this, and I almost lost my mind.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_06: Peanut butter is harder to spread when it is in the fridge.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_06: If you can't spread peanut butter, you might want to start lifting some weights because you are a fucking pussy.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_06: Yes, that is what I thought.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_06: What I said was, okay.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_06: I will talk a lot of shit up here tonight, but it does not work at home.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_06: I'll tell you that much right now.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_06: I tried once and now I have to walk the dog every day and pick up its crap, and that dog's a dick.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_06: Because I'm pretty sure he can count because he tries to outshit how many bags I have with me every time.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_06: Come on, Lou, get it together.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_06: Nobody shits six times in a mile.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_06: Old people, what did you do before you came here?
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_06: Are you deaf?
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_06: I hope you shit your pants.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_06: Yes, yes, yes, fucking, yes.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_04: I met him on the beach.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_06: You met him on the beach?
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_04: All right.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_06: Sixty-five years ago.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_06: That was different times, right?
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_06: No, no.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_06: I've been doing jokes all night.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_06: You guys haven't applauded once.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_06: They live.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_06: You guys clap.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_06: You know how easy it was to meet somebody on a beach 65 years ago.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_06: What beach were you on?
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_03: Rockoway beach.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_03: Rockoway beach.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_06: New York, yes, I know.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_06: Thank you very much.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_06: Somebody held up.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_06: New York, did you just finally make it out to the West Coast?
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_02: No, we're in Florida.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_06: You live in Florida?
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_06: Okay.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_06: You're visiting?
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_06: I know how it works, ma'am, when you live someplace else.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_06: Any chance you're staying with children and they sent you out tonight?
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_05: That's family over there?
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_05: That's your brother and sister?
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_06: Brother and sister-in-law.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_06: It's probably best that they're not brother and sister.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_06: So, what kind of car are you guys driving?
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_06: Cadillac?
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_05: Which one of us?
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_06: What's that?
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_05: Which one of us?
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_06: Which one of you?
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_06: You're all driving separate cars?
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_06: Are you serious?
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_06: Should we warn the CHP right now?
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_06: Because I've had a conversation with you.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_06: I can't imagine all four of you merging at the same fucking time.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_06: Sit down, ladies.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_06: Doing a big show.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_06: God damn it.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_06: Sit down.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_06: How old are you, sister?
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_04: 37.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_04: 37?
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_06: Yes.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_06: How's it going?
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_06: Everything turning out the way you thought it would?
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_08: Perfectly.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_06: Perfectly?
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_06: Married?
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_06: You married?
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_08: Not so much.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_08: Right?
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_06: That was your friend that just tackled you.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_06: That was weird.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_06: Is everything good?
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_06: It's great.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_06: It's fantastic.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_06: Married?
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_06: No, she isn't.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_06: Are you looking for a man?
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_05: Yes.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_06: Alright, I got four brothers.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_06: She's 37.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_06: It's gonna be fantastic.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_06: She's a little older than you, but there's gonna be snacks in the fridge afterwards.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_06: Ma'am, have you ever been with a young guy?
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_06: I'll take that as a yes.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_06: Proper answer would have been no.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_06: Dave wants to meet me near the bathroom.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_06: I'll give him a handy and he can join my hockey team.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_06: 37?
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_06: Still on him?
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_06: She nodded, yes.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_06: This is the biggest night ever.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_06: David God.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_06: I'm a teacher, so I have a did you just say I'm a teacher?
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_06: I'm a teacher, so I'm used to having crushes on younger men.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_06: What do you teach?
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_06: Kindergarten?
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_06: What kind of money do you make there, sister?
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_03: Over a hundred grand.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_06: All right, I think the next question is.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_06: I said at teaching.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_05: Yes.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_06: Yes.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_06: Where do you make a hundred grand?
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_06: Which school?
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah, that's why I asked.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_06: Oh, Newport?
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_06: Yep, yeah, correct.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_06: She makes a hundred grand.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_06: She's poor.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_06: She probably lives there, lives in a shack, but she makes a hundred grand.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_09: Right before me and my wife got married, though, you know, we used to talk to couples and women, y'all always excited.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_09: Y'all excited for everyone to get married.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_09: Unless you've been married before, your response is different.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_09: You're like, uh oh.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_09: I wish you the best.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_09: Well, if women in good relationship and they ain't been married, let me see the ring.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_09: What's the color?
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_09: I gotta hook you up with my flesh.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_09: And we saw this older couple and they my wife and her kid it off, and I'm just sitting with the man.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_09: Older man just looking at me like I did something wrong to him.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_09: So my wife and the lady just walk off in the corner, start talking, and I'm sitting here with him.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_09: I'm smiling.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_09: How you doing?
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_09: How you doing?
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_09: I'm good, man.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_09: Chilling, man.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_09: Excited about the wedding.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_09: Why you laughing?
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_09: You find out.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_09: Okay.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_09: So you love her?
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_09: Yeah, I love her.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_09: That's why you're getting married, ain't it?
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_09: Yeah.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_09: Yeah.
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_09: Why you keep laughing?
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_09: You find out.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_09: And it's like he starts trying to give me signals.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_09: Oh, yeah, I'm ready to go.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_09: Hey, you'll find out.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_09: Let's go.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_09: And it's tough, man.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_09: It's tough in relationship, because you didn't know, you didn't know that a relationship, they said it was work, but you didn't know it was like like slavery work.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_09: Like you didn't know.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_09: What type of work?
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_09: Like you get paid for some work and other work you just buy yourself.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_09: You just buy yourself.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_09: No paycheck, no nothing.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_09: Nobody awards you get you no reward.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_09: Both, both sides, both sides.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_09: No, it's not that bad.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_09: I think the frustrating thing about being married is just the debates, the arguments.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_09: You know what I mean?
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_09: Because you ain't always on the same page, you know what I mean?
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_09: And arguing with my wife sometimes is like, you know, because I argue in periods.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_09: Resolve.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_09: Period.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_09: Resolve.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_09: Conclusion.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_09: Period.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_09: My wife, she argues in comas, commas and run-on sentences.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_09: Like arguing with her is like being in a maze.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_09: Do you think you out of it?
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_09: Nope, you're not.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_09: You gotta go this way.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_09: I sometimes just apologize just for it to be over.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_09: Like, I'm sorry, it was me.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_09: Are you sorry?
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_09: Are you really?
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_09: Yes.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_09: Why exactly are you sorry?
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_09: I'm like, I don't know.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_09: I was just trying to be done.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_09: That's why I'm saying, you don't you don't care like I care.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_09: I do care, or why you don't tell me.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_09: I don't know.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_07: I don't know the rules.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_07: I don't know.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_07: You keep asking me questions that you know I have to lie at.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_07: Do I look fat?
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_07: No, no.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_07: If you wasn't fat, you wouldn't have asked.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_07: That's why you asked the question.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_07: Skinny people don't say, Do I look fat?
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_07: Skinny people say, Do you want to eat?
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_07: Would you like to have a sandwich?
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_07: She just wants to see how dumb you are when you tell the truth.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_07: And men, all you young men, don't you fall for this one?
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_07: Even if it hurts me, even if it hurts me, tell me the truth.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_07: They'll say how stupid, how stupid is the man I'm with.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_07: You lie, lie, lie.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_07: Now I'm not talking about lying about cheating, lying about other women.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_07: I'm talking about little things that you have to lie about.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_07: All those little things that ask you.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_07: All kind of stupid stuff.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_07: Stupid things.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_07: Do you like this movie?
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_07: No, I hate the notebook.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_07: I hate it.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_07: I hate it.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_07: It's not even real.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_07: It's not real.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_07: Women love those kind of movies where she had she had Alzheimer's and he and she didn't know him anymore.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_07: And he wrote a book.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_07: Remember when I met you?
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_07: We were riding a bike.
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_07: In real life, he'd have came to the hospital.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_07: Do you know me?
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_07: No.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_07: It sounds wrong, but it's not the truth.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_07: See, these books and all these, remember it's all these books and these talk shows that women who don't have a man.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_07: All these books and talk shows with women who don't have a man telling you how to lose the man you got because they want you to be just as lonely as they are.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_07: Men are so simple, we freak you out.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_07: We're so simple you can't get to it.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_07: Men are simple.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_07: We're so simple it bothers you.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_07: You don't understand the simpleness of men.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_07: Okay, this is how simple a man.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_07: This is two men in the car and he makes a wrong turn.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_07: You! Men! That's it.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_07: You don't turn left and come back.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_07: That's how simple, that's so.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_07: This is you with your wife.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_07: Why would you turn there?
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_07: Why?
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_07: Let's just go home.
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_07: I don't even want to go now.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_07: I don't even want to go.
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_07: The whole night is ruined because I turned left.
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_07: I can turn back around.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_07: No, I gotta have a headache now.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_07: Men sometimes hurt.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_07: This is men.
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_07: This is what we do to speak you up.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_07: This is a man acknowledging you.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_07: Okay.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_07: That means I heard you, but that's not enough for a woman.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_07: Okay.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_07: Now say it back.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_07: Say it back.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_07: Say what I said.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_07: Oh, now it's an SAT test.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_07: I had to pass the test.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_07: This is two men having a conversation.
• 28:28
  SPEAKER_07: Mean you gonna go to the club?
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_07: Yeah.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_07: Done.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_07: What time?
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_07: What time would you be there?
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_07: What?
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_07: No.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_07: What way are you gonna go?
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_07: Well, how would you get there?
• 28:40
  SPEAKER_07: If you don't know where it's at, why would you say I'm gonna go?
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_07: You don't even know where you're going.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_07: You don't even know where you're going.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_07: You said yes.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_07: You don't even know where you're going.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_07: I got a GPS.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_03: Woke up the other night, perfect example.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_03: I'm choking.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like he woke up and looked at me and goes, What's wrong?
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_03: Like, mmm, I'm choking.
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_03: He said, Maybe you ate a spider.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_03: What the hell is wrong with you?
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_03: I was watching the Discovery Channel, and the average person eats about eight spiders a year in their sleep.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_03: You're an asshole.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_03: Alright?
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_03: Really?
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_03: Because now I can't sleep, because I don't know if I'm on Spider 1 or Spider Eight.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_03: I gotta sleep with a nicotine badge over my mouth.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_03: I'm punching him in the dick, because if I gotta be awake, he's gotta be awake.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm happy.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_03: Because goals change.
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_03: All I ever wanted to be was happy.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_03: Now I just want to die before my tits hit the floor.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_03: Now I got my cousin, I gotta carry her because she's getting a divorce and running around.
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_03: For Halloween, she was Miley Cyrus.
• 29:56
  SPEAKER_03: 40 years old.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_03: She dressed up as Miley, not cute, sweet Hannah Montana, you know, VMA in a teddy bear.
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_03: God bless that girl.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_03: She's so talented, but she's really just a dumb, ill-advised hillbilly.
• 30:10
  SPEAKER_03: That's really all it is.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_03: So no one explains shit to her because I'm quite sure her stylist said to her, You need to do something really shocking.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_03: You should come out in a teddy.
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_03: And then that bitch came out in a stuffed animal.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_03: She's just stupid.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_03: And I say hillbilly in the most respectful way.
• 30:28
  SPEAKER_03: Because I'm afraid of hillbillies.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not afraid to die.
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_03: A gang member will kill you, but a hillbilly will keep you.
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_03: Like in a box underneath his bed, and I am not playing the fucking gimp game for the rest of my damn life.
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_03: You better choke me the fuck out.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_03: Because I won't make you miserable.
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_03: I did a charity show for the Playboy Foundation.
• 30:57
  SPEAKER_03: I don't even know what their charity was.
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_03: 14-year-old boys who go blind from reading the magazine.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_03: They had a party at the old dude's house afterwards, and I didn't want to go.
• 31:11
  SPEAKER_03: I wasn't even married, but my brothers made me go for research.
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_03: Girls are beautiful, but they're like size double zero.
• 31:23
  SPEAKER_03: They're mean because they're hungry.
• 31:28
  SPEAKER_03: One wanted to fight me because something I had said on stage.
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_03: I don't even know.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_03: Probably something about whores.
• 31:33
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not sure.
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_03: And um I couldn't fight you.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_03: There's no class in that.
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_03: Plus, I'm a girl from the neighborhood and you're a double zero.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_03: If I swing at you and miss, you'll die of pneumonia.
• 31:45
  unknown: Okay.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_03: Stupid.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_03: I was sho- I saw Larry King on TV talking about how he cheated on his wife.
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_03: Did you even know Larry King was still alive?
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_03: I saw him on TV.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_03: I just thought it was like weekend at Bernie's.
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_03: How are you doing?
• 32:06
  SPEAKER_03: I'm Larry King.
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_03: I'm never gonna be on his show, I don't care.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_03: He cheated on his seventh wife.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_03: Seventh! I'm sure it was all her fault.
• 32:23
  SPEAKER_03: Um she's 36 years younger than him, okay?
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_03: She was a former beauty queen.
• 32:31
  SPEAKER_03: And you know that that young girl married that old man because she loves him.
• 32:39
  SPEAKER_03: Please, right?
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_03: Like to that, you know that's ridiculous.
• 32:43
  SPEAKER_03: No one has ever been sexually attracted to the eagle from the Muppets, okay?
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_03: Can we be honest?
• 32:51
  SPEAKER_03: That's ridiculous.
• 32:52
  SPEAKER_03: I'm supposed to believe that.
• 32:55
  SPEAKER_03: But here's where it all comes clear.
• 32:58
  SPEAKER_03: When you find the funny, that means you gotta look past what the initial story is.
• 33:03
  SPEAKER_03: Here's the here's the real story.
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_03: Here's the funny part of the story.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_03: You know who he cheated on her with?
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_03: And here, watch also the difference here between men and women.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_03: This is why we'll never be equal.
• 33:14
  SPEAKER_03: Right here in this very next sentence.
• 33:15
  SPEAKER_03: Wanna see why men and women will never be equal?
• 33:17
  SPEAKER_03: You know who he cheated on her with?
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_03: Her sister.
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_03: Right?
• 33:21
  SPEAKER_03: Women are like, oh my god, that's horrible.
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, what a betrayal.
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_03: Men are like, holy shit, Larry got sisters.
• 33:30
  SPEAKER_03: They'd like to say it, but some of it are say it in their heads because they're afraid of you because they're afraid you're gonna punch them in the dick while they sleep.
• 33:38
  SPEAKER_03: Because that's what women do.
• 33:39
  SPEAKER_03: We can only be cool for so long.
• 33:41
  SPEAKER_03: We wait, like three weeks later, after you piss us off because we still want to seem like we're cool.
• 33:47
  SPEAKER_03: Wake up in the middle of night, remember the stupid shit you said, and punch you in the dick.
• 33:54
  SPEAKER_03: And then pretend we're having a nightmare.
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_03: Jason was chasing me! Oh my god, Jason was chasing me.
• 34:04
  SPEAKER_03: You should hold me.
• 34:09
  SPEAKER_02: I'm so not girly.
• 34:10
  SPEAKER_02: Even my girl impersonation sounds like a gay man.
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_02: Um God.
• 34:21
  SPEAKER_03: My cousin, uh, that that whole thing opened up because the Larry King, I I gotta tell you, I was thinking about that Larry King thing, and it's he cheated on her with her sister.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_03: Now, when you find the funny, you have to understand that that was just a plot to kill him.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_03: Right?
• 34:38
  SPEAKER_03: Because she took him back after he cheated on her with her sister.
• 34:41
  SPEAKER_03: So you know that that was really just her saying to her sister, listen, if you really need a new car and a vacation, I got a plan.
• 34:49
  SPEAKER_03: Because she thought that her sister could give him a heart attack and then she could get a better house.
• 34:56
  SPEAKER_03: And she took him back.
• 34:58
  SPEAKER_03: That's how I know it was a plot to kill him, because no woman would take a man back who cheated on her with her very own sister.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_03: That was a plot to kill him.
• 35:07
  SPEAKER_03: Because she was tired of having sex with that old man.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_03: That young 36-year-old beauty queen was tired of having sex with that old man.
• 35:16
  SPEAKER_03: Having sex with Larry King would be like banging a bucket of chicken.
• 35:22
  SPEAKER_03: It's all brittle and the bones break, and the skin is falling off.