Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1103 - The Simple Things Matter

Transcript

#1103 - The Simple Things Matter · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:04
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
• 0:07
  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: once answers.
• 0:11
  Speaker 3: Now.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: I always look forward to the weekend. I always look
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: forward to Friday because I'll be better tomorrow. But I'm
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: especially excited about today, missus Happy Families. Do you know
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: why I have no idea? Because today's a very special
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: day in our house. You're looking at me blankly. A
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: special day, Friday, the eighteenth of October.
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: Oh, oh my goodness. We have two babies birthdays today.
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  Speaker 1: Your birthed them, both of them Moses Day, and you've
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  Speaker 1: completely forgotten.
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  Speaker 2: I'm not looking at the calendar.
• 0:44
  Speaker 3: It's Friday.
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  Speaker 1: It's the have you given me a hard time? Our
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  Speaker 1: two kids, they're twins three years.
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: Apart, three years apart. Best way to have twins ever.
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: When we had our first we really really hoped that
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: she would be a twin well before we had well
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: be in this. When we had her, it was I'm
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: so glad there was only one. And then three years
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: later to the day.
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  Speaker 2: And eighteen minutes apart, on the eighteenth.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, amazing, we had our second baby girl. So today,
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: happy birthday is Chanelle and Abby.
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  Speaker 2: Let's just say our three year old did not think
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  Speaker 2: it was the best birthday present ever.
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: No, she was not please that she got a sister
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: for a birthday at all. For those of you who
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: areknew to the podcast work, and we're so glad to
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: have you along every Friday, Kylie and I, I guess
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: it's kind of like news. Remember when you're in grade
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  Speaker 1: one grade to stand up at front of the class
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  Speaker 1: and share news. Well, today it's not really news. All
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: do about it tomorrow, which is a phrase that encapsulates
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  Speaker 1: this idea that as parents would want to be intentional.
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: We love our kids, we want to do a great job,
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  Speaker 1: but gee, it's hard to get it right. And so
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: every Friday we get a little bit introspective. We gaze
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: at our navels Kylie, and we try to interrogate did
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: we do it right? Did we do it wrong? What
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: can we do better tomorrow to make our families happier?
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: Just before we talk about our older better tomorrow's stories.
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  Speaker 1: I'm really excited for mine, by the way, But just
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: before we do that, our easy to use system, super
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: simple system at happy families dot com dot U, let's
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: you talk to us about whatever it is that you
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: wanted to share at any time, by the kick of
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: a button. You literally go to Happy Families dot com
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: dot you scroll down to the click here talk to
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: us button and share what's on your mind, and we
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: receive this wonderful voice message from one of our listeners
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: in Canadia.
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: Canadia.
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: Well, it's Canada, but because we're in Australia, I just
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: I mean, I feel like they're our cousins, and I
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: like the idea of Canadia.
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: Canada.
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: Have listen. This is in relation to a podcast episode
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: from a couple of weeks back.
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  Speaker 3: Hi, doctor justin. My name is Lisa. I've been catching
• 2:44
  Speaker 3: up on some of your summer podcasts summer here in Canada.
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  Speaker 3: I just listened to number ten twenty seven phrases you
• 2:50
  Speaker 3: should say to your children, and I've got a really
• 2:52
  Speaker 3: great one for you. I heard my friends say this
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  Speaker 3: about eight years ago, and I've been saying it ever since.
• 2:58
  Speaker 3: She said it to her husband. Because lots of adults
• 3:01
  Speaker 3: do not know this lesson. The phrase is a compliment
• 3:04
  Speaker 3: to one is not an insult to the other. I've
• 3:07
  Speaker 3: been using this so often with my children that they've
• 3:09
  Speaker 3: internalized it and they can be happy for someone else.
• 3:13
  Speaker 3: They know that it's not always all about them. They're
• 3:15
  Speaker 3: happy to be happy for their siblings. And now the
• 3:18
  Speaker 3: only time they ever really need to say it anymore
• 3:21
  Speaker 3: is when there's a gramma around and the grandma will
• 3:23
  Speaker 3: say something like, yes, excellent, Tommy, you won the race.
• 3:27
  Speaker 3: You worked for months. Congratulations. But girls, I'm sure you
• 3:30
  Speaker 3: would be just as fast as you rant. No, Grandma,
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  Speaker 3: it's not about them right now. It's about Tommy. They
• 3:37
  Speaker 3: can be happy for Tommy. Thanks justin.
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: Go out reactions.
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  Speaker 2: That's a really tough lesson for the little kids to learn.
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  Speaker 1: It's a really tough lesson for a lot of adults. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: but Lisa, I love this. If you've got some advice,
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  Speaker 1: if you've got some great lines, great things that parents
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: should be doing with their kids to do better tomorrow,
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: let us not just go to happy families dot com,
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: dot a. You just scroll down to where it says
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: podcasts and click on the button start talking. It's literally
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: that simple, the super simple system to stay in touch
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: with us and let us know what's on your mind
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: from a parenting perspective. Okay, Kylie, speaking of what's on
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: your mind, how have you done this week? How can
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: we do better tomorrow? Based on the week that was
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: well except for.
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  Speaker 2: The fact that I had my first stack on my bike.
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  Speaker 1: All we need to talk about this, we do, we
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: do need to talk. So this is what happens again.
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: If you knew to the podcast, we do get a
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: bit derailed now on. Then you've got a new bike
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: because you've decided that you want to get fit and healthy.
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: You're going to do a triathlon next year. Am I
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: had to announce that you're doing a triathlon next year?
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  Speaker 2: Sure you can announce that.
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  Speaker 1: So you've decided you want to ride with me. I
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  Speaker 1: ride really fast, So we've got you a bike that
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: has a pedal assist function so that you can keep up.
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: And you're doing incredibly In fact, you're riding faster than me,
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  Speaker 1: which is a bit hard for me to take. But
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  Speaker 1: you fell off the bike. You fell off the bike just.
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  Speaker 2: As a nice b bunch of experienced riders road right
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  Speaker 2: past me.
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  Speaker 1: The great irony is the night before we were out
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  Speaker 1: with friends. We've gone to a wonderful little Vietnamese restaurant
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: at the top of bedroom and while we were having dinner,
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: cycling came up and I talked about the dead parrot.
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: So for the uninitiated. The dead parrot is what cyclists
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: call it. When you know, if a parrot is sitting
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  Speaker 1: on the perch and it dies, it just kind of
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: it just falls off. And when you're riding a road bike,
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: you clipped into the pedals right like your shoes have
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: got cleats on the bottom, and you click your cleats
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: into the pedals, and to take your feet off the pedal,
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: you have to fully clip. Yeah, you've got on clip.
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  Speaker 1: You've got to click your like Dorothy and the Wizard
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: of Ollus. You've got to click your heels outwards and
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: the pedal will release the cleat and then you can
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  Speaker 1: put your foot on the ground. And so I was
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  Speaker 1: talking about how inexperienced cyclist will often forget too unclipped.
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  Speaker 1: They'll stop at the lights and they'll forget to unclip
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  Speaker 1: from the pedal and they'll do the dead parrot.
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  Speaker 2: So can I just say that in all the times
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: that I have ridden with cleats, I have never had
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: this problem.
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  Speaker 1: And you have written with cleats over the years I have,
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  Speaker 1: but your brand new back.
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: To side and I am brand new back and I
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  Speaker 2: feel like you just just created I don't know, I
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  Speaker 2: don't know, but we were riding. I was coming up
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  Speaker 2: to the lights and I slowed down faster than I expected, Like,
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: I stopped faster than I expected, and I almost went
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  Speaker 2: over at that point, but I managed to save myself.
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  Speaker 2: But then I got a flat tire about ten or
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: fifteen k's further into the ride, and I did uncleat Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: but I unclipped my right leg instead of my left
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  Speaker 2: leg when the road was obviously leaning to the left.
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  Speaker 1: So there's a camper, as you would expect in Australia
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  Speaker 1: when we drive on the left, there as a canber.
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  Speaker 1: You're on the left and the camper goes off to
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  Speaker 1: the left hand side, which means that that angle you
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: really need one clip your left foot because you're going
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  Speaker 1: to fall that direction. That's the low side. But you
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  Speaker 1: unclipped your right.
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  Speaker 2: Foot right and I couldn't reach the ground obviously what's
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: left and the bruising.
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  Speaker 1: The brewer like you laid on the ground and laughed
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  Speaker 1: your head off, and then a bunch of cyclists walk
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  Speaker 1: past a road pass very worried about you.
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  Speaker 2: We said, no, no, Kyle is fine.
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  Speaker 1: She's laughing. We changed the tire, but the bruising. For
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: the last it's been about a week now, it's been
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: six days. And the bruising, I've never seen any bruising
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  Speaker 1: like it.
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: In my life. It's pretty good.
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  Speaker 1: It's terrifying, like awful anyway, So you've had your first
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  Speaker 1: bike crash. Fortunately no real harm done, just some nasty bruising.
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: What's it going to do with a little bit of tomorrow?
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  Speaker 2: Well, I was just about to say. Apart from that,
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: we've been working really hard to nut out a structure
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  Speaker 2: that's going to work for me because I have felt
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: like I'm just drowned, rowning in everything that we're striving
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: for at the moment. Well, I'm not doing it perfectly.
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: There has been some massive shifts and I'm feeling a
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: lot calmer in my home space as I try to
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  Speaker 2: navigate all of the things that need to be done.
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  Speaker 2: And that's a huge win for me.
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  Speaker 1: Something that we've talked about off on the podcast. You
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: and I've had many personal conversations about it is that structure.
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  Speaker 1: You get the importance of structure, and for those who
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: are sort of new issue here, structure is the foundation
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: of building competence. Competence is a basic psychological need if
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: we want to do well in life, we need to
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: feel like we are effective. We need to feel like
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: we can do stuff and to feel competent. We need
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: effective structures because structures provide the systems and the frameworks
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: the tools to be competent. So we've sat down over
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: the last couple of weeks and really zoned in on
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: what your structure needs to be so that you can
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: feel effective, because you haven't been feeling effective. You've been overwhelmed,
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: massively overwhelmed for a couple of months now. And what
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: I'm really hearing you say is we're not quite there,
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: but the structure is starting to build a sense of competence.
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  Speaker 1: You're starting to make progress.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, Yeah, it's feeling good. I'm exercising. I haven't been
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: able to do that for a long time. I'm able
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: to spend just a bit more time with myself in
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: the mornings, which is working really well. Obviously, having a
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: driver back in the house.
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: If we've got the daughter who's come home from overseas,
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: which is light and bload a little bit, has meant that.
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: She's doing the running around for me, which has definitely
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: made a huge impact in my day to day runnings.
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: So is that you take home message, get some structure
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: and that could be.
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: One of my take home messages. You actually overrode my
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: whole thing. I wasn't planning on telling the bike story.
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: I actually do have an old bed.
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: You weren't planning on it, but you did. Don't blame me.
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: Miss is Happy Families.
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: But in homeschool this term, we've been talking specifically about
• 9:42
  Speaker 2: what it is to be a good friend right, and
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: Emily has struggled with a little bit because she feels
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: like she is a really good friend. And for the
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: most part, I love watching the way she interacts with
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: her friends. She's really thoughtful, she's quick to apologize, and
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: she loves just loves connecting with people. So when I
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: sat down with her this week to look at our lesson,
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: which was setting some goals on how I can improve
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: being a good friend, she looked at me and she said,
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: I'm a good friend. I don't have anything I need
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: to be better with. And so I sat with her
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: and I talked about a few ins to says that
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: she might have been able to work on, and I said,
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: think about times when you've struggled with your friends. What's
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: happened in those moments? Can I tell you? She gave
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: me six beautiful things that she could work on. I
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: was so impressed. These are all hers. I want to
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: share them with you. I'm going to become a better
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: friend by listening to my friend's ideas more, by being
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: quick to say sorry, by sharing my toys freely, by
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: focusing on them when we are together instead of my screen,
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: by staying in touch with my friends even when I
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: don't see them very often, and by being generous with
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: no expectations in return. This is my ten year old beautiful,
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: isn't it? And I just I'm blown away because in
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: the moment, all she could think about was all of
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: the good things that she does. And it's not about
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: tearing her down, but it's an opportunity for each of
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: us to think about how we can do things better.
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: Ten is a magic age.
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: And I just I'm so proud of her. One of
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: the things that I love. She is so good at
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: saying sorry. And when I told her that, she looked
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: at me and she said, but I could be quicker,
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: couldn't I like? It was just it was this a noo.
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: They're trying to create a people pleasing apologist. But what
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: an important what an important skill to have. So many
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: people have no idea how to apologize, or when they
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: do apologize, they say, well, I'm sorry, but if you
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: hadn't done that, I wouldn't have done this. So I'm apologizing,
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: but I'm really blaming the victim.
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so I'll do better tomorrow. Is this process of
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: actually assessing where we're at and looking at our lives
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: and recognizing the good and the areas that we need
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: to improve in, and then what we actually want to
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: focus on creates change.
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: And let me add, when we have these conversations with
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: our kids, that's where the learning happens. That's where the
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: insights are. It's beautiful.
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: What's your old do beout it tomorrow?
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: Well, missus Happy Families, I'm so glad you asked it,
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: but I'm going to have to be very very brief
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: because missus Happy Families, you took up all the time
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: with your bike crashing stories and homeschool stories, and so
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: you know what, that was great. I'm glad you did.
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: Let me do my old better tomorrow in sixty seconds
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: or less. I've been home for the last few weeks,
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: except for the last couple of days where I've been
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: traveling a bit again, but with me being home, I've
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: had the opportunity to spend more time with our children,
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: and specifically bedtimes. I've been able to lay on the
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: bed and couple the kids as they go to sleep.
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: I've been able to tuck them in and have that
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: bedtime routine with them. I've been able to sing songs
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: to them at bedtime like I used to when they
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: were all younger. And especially I've had time with our youngest,
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: with Emily ten years old, and it has been the
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: highlight of my parenting week, my parenting life. I just
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: I'm cherishing it, maybe in a way that I never
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: have before. This is our last baby girl, she's ten.
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: I don't know how many more nights we get to
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: lay on the bed and snuggle her as she goes
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: to sleep. I mean, kids start to grow out of
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: it around about ten, eleven, twelve, certainly thirteen fourteen, and
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: it is just heaven my old better tomorrow is that
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: the simple things matter. And I've said it for years.
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: Kids spell love t im. Just like dollars of the
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: currency of our economy, connection is the currency of our relationships.
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: And I just love bedtime snuggles. If there's anything that
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: any parent can do better. I think that it's making
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: sure those simple bedtime routines and wake up hug routines
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: are there because they're beautiful. They're the best.
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: Bedtime snuggles are my favorite.
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Absolutely, So we hope that this is giving you
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: some inspo for how you can do better tomorrow. The
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: Happy Family's podcast is produce by Justin Rulan from Bridge Media.
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: We really appreciate the work that he does. Have a
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: wonderful weekend. If you would like more information about what
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: we're doing at Happy Families, check out our autism course.
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: It's on sale now. The early bird special finishes real soon.
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: If you have a child who is autistic, you will
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: find this course will blow your mind. I've teamed up
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: with doctor Joey from Nordle Psychology. She is autistic and
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: she works with autistic kids day in and day out
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: helping them. The course is available right now, and if
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: you're on the NDS you can probably even get some
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: NDIS support for that course as well. Everything you need
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: to know is at Happyfamilies dot com dot a U
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: or check it out on our socials. Doctor Justin Courson's
• 14:42
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