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Don't Tell Me About Your Childhood! · Armstrong & Getty One More Thing

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  Speaker 1: Don't tell me about your childhood. I don't want to
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  Speaker 1: hear it. It's one more thing.
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  Speaker 2: I'm strong andedy, one more thing.
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  Speaker 1: So I have for a year several years now, been
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  Speaker 1: aware of the study of happiness in the world of psychology,
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  Speaker 1: because it was figured out by a couple of terrific
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  Speaker 1: authors Martin Seligmann, among others. And I think I have
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  Speaker 1: his landmark book some or other that Hey, it just
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  Speaker 1: occurred to me that everybody in my field studies unhappiness.
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  Speaker 1: Has anybody studied happiness?
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  Speaker 2: I read The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama
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  Speaker 2: Jeez twenty five years ago, one of the most important
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  Speaker 2: books I've read in my life, definitely. His main theses
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  Speaker 2: was it's perfectly okay to pursue happiness. You just got
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  Speaker 2: to put a little thought into what actually makes you happy.
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  Speaker 1: We do want to on your own business. We're on
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  Speaker 1: some pants.
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  Speaker 2: We do things all the time that don't actually make
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  Speaker 2: us happy. We know they don't make us happy, but
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  Speaker 2: we do them anyway.
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  Speaker 1: Ah. Yeah, Yeah, that's funny. That's a pretty good statement
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  Speaker 1: of how I feel about technology in the modern world.
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  Speaker 1: Just because everybody's doing it doesn't mean I should be
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  Speaker 1: doing it anyway. So back to Seligman and one other
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  Speaker 1: guy like him whose name is flitted out of my
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  Speaker 1: head because I'm old. But a lot of their colleagues
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  Speaker 1: responded that, well, yeah, or how you get happy by
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  Speaker 1: getting rid of the unhappy? And they're like and Seligman
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  Speaker 1: and others, including Arthur Brooks who wrote this, who has
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  Speaker 1: written several famous books about this, say no, I think
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  Speaker 1: those are kind of two different things. They're related. But
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  Speaker 1: you can not be psychotic or neurotic, or have anxiety
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  Speaker 1: or severe depression still be unhappy. Let's study happiness.
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  Speaker 2: Did at any point anybody say turn your frown upside
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  Speaker 2: down or you let a smile be your umbrella?
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  Speaker 1: Oh that first one is especially good because at rhymes, Katie,
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  Speaker 1: did you actually vomit? I thought that it might have
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  Speaker 1: been mourning sickness, but I did.
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  Speaker 2: No, that was that was actual vomit.
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  Speaker 1: That was terrible.
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  Speaker 2: You never had anybody tell you to smile? I am oh.
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  Speaker 2: I was just going to say, hey, guys, here's a tip.
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  Speaker 2: Don't ever tell a woman you should smile more or dude,
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  Speaker 2: I've been told to smile. Hey smile. Let's say you
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  Speaker 2: have murder face.
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  Speaker 1: You yeah, murder face says you. Yeah, that's interesting. Trump
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  Speaker 1: said that to some female reporter a week or two ago,
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  Speaker 1: and there was a big flap about that. There was
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  Speaker 1: a big flap every damn day, so who can keep track?
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  Speaker 1: So anyway, Arthur Brooks is writing columns for the Free
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  Speaker 1: Press these days, and this one is entitled Therapy Won't
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  Speaker 1: make You Happier? And that's okay, and he leads off
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  Speaker 1: with he had just gone back to academia after a
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  Speaker 1: number of years away from it, and first day of class,
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  Speaker 1: some female students says to him, I've been in therapy
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  Speaker 1: for five years, and he was like, oh boy, times
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  Speaker 1: have changed. People used to keep that to themselves quickly
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  Speaker 1: became aware of No, everybody talks about it all the time.
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  Speaker 2: All of it sudden, and it's a badge of honor.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, right. Therapy is no longer a private matter, and
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  Speaker 1: it is utterly ubiquitous, especially among younger, college educated adults.
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  Speaker 1: Fifty five percent of Gen Zers and millennials have attended
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  Speaker 1: at least one therapy session, and eighty three percent of
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  Speaker 1: them openly tell others that they are in therapy.
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  Speaker 2: What if they feel like it doesn't any good? I
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  Speaker 2: feel like it's mostly worthless. I really do, and I've
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  Speaker 2: paid for plenty of it.
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  Speaker 1: You and mister Brooks should get together and chat. So anyway,
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  Speaker 1: this gal's actual question was, I've been in therapy for
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  Speaker 1: five years. Should it be making me happier? Do I
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  Speaker 1: need to keep going if I am taking this class,
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  Speaker 1: which is really kind of a funny story. It's a
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  Speaker 1: class about the psychology of happiness. And he says, I
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  Speaker 1: fear this betrays a fundamental misunderstanding what therapy is for.
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  Speaker 1: For those who don't know, therapy generally involves regular speaking
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  Speaker 1: sessions with trained professionals dedicated to addressing one's emotional, behavioral,
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  Speaker 1: and mental health challenges and teaching techniques to build coping
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  Speaker 1: skills and make positive changes. In lay terms, it helps
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  Speaker 1: to help a patient manage whatever is making humor her miserable,
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  Speaker 1: such as depression or anxiety. And he gives actually, a
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  Speaker 1: couple we don't have time limitations. That's what I love
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  Speaker 1: about this doing this podcast at the end of the
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  Speaker 1: radio show, so we'll go ahead and get into details.
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  Speaker 1: There are many therapy types. One example is mindfulness based
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  Speaker 1: cognitive therapy, which I'm a big fan of. By proxy,
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  Speaker 1: which uses exposure techniques to teach patients to accept their
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  Speaker 1: distresses painful but neither irremediable nor catastrophic. For instance, consider
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  Speaker 1: a twenty two year old who has just been blindsided
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  Speaker 1: by a breakup and truly believes he will die loveless
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  Speaker 1: and alone mcbt this cognitive therapy will help him see
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  Speaker 1: that his grief and sadness are real and terrible, but
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  Speaker 1: that with time, loving a new person is not only possible,
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  Speaker 1: but probable. And then he goes into therapy's critics, which
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  Speaker 1: include the fabulous Abigail Schreyer, who's argued that a good
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  Speaker 1: deal of therapy administered adolescents and young adults today is
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  Speaker 1: making the problems worse rather than better by encouraging rumination.
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  Speaker 1: That means constantly thinking about your problems right, pathologizing normal experiences,
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  Speaker 1: and undermining resilience. Sometimes. In other words, the heartbroken twenty
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  Speaker 1: two year old needs to stop talking about how he
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  Speaker 1: failed in his relationship.
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  Speaker 2: That's one of my favorite ones because that word came
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  Speaker 2: up with a mentor who told me this after my divorce.
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  Speaker 2: I was really really unhappy. He said, don't pathologize grief.
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  Speaker 2: Something bad happened. You're supposed to feel bad maybe for
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  Speaker 2: a while. Yeah, no, it's not weird that you feel bad.
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  Speaker 2: Something really bad happened, so now you feel bad. That's
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  Speaker 2: the way it works, you know.
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  Speaker 1: I don't want to overdo this statement slash sentiment, but
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  Speaker 1: simple truth like that. We need more of that and
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  Speaker 1: less of intellectual multi paragraph rambling. And I'm not one
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  Speaker 1: of those guys who rejects all experts and all learning
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  Speaker 1: or anything like that, but man, that is there's a
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  Speaker 1: lot of truth right there. Ah bah bah buh buh
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  Speaker 1: buh buh. So to return to my student's query, and
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to add this in because it's one of
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  Speaker 1: my favorite jokes. It's stupid and simple, but I like it.
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  Speaker 1: Can take a class on happiness For place therapy, an
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  Speaker 1: old joke proves instructive. Here man breaks his hands in
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  Speaker 1: an accident, undergoes reconstructive surgery, and afterward ask the doctor
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  Speaker 1: if he'll be able to play the piano. I don't
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  Speaker 1: see why not, replies his physician. Great, says the man
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  Speaker 1: I've always wanted to like. Surgery. Therapy is not a
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  Speaker 1: miracle worker. It can diminish and help you manage your
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  Speaker 1: own happiness, but it won't increase your capacity for happiness
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  Speaker 1: at least not very much, nor will it help you
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  Speaker 1: to play the piano. And then he says, look, it
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  Speaker 1: may sound like I'm splitting hairs, but I'm really not,
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  Speaker 1: because happiness and unhappiness are neither opposites nor mutually exclusive.
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  Speaker 1: Humans experienced both positive and negat negative emotions all day long,
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  Speaker 1: sometimes even at the same time. According to one study,
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  Speaker 1: an average woman spends thirty nine percent of a typical
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  Speaker 1: day experiencing predominantly positive emotions thirty nine percent negative emotions.
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  Speaker 1: Is about seventeen person.
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  Speaker 2: Made a number, eady, Is that sound right? The exact
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  Speaker 2: numbers your typical day? Do I keep a chart? You
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  Speaker 2: should keep a chart?
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  Speaker 1: I do, And about a third of the time is
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  Speaker 1: a mixed state that is both positive and negative. Interestingly,
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  Speaker 1: the other ten percent they can't kneel down. For men,
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  Speaker 1: it's another six percent on positive emotions, just three percent
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  Speaker 1: less on negative emotions, and very similar number that are
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  Speaker 1: kind of ambivalent. I don't know.
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  Speaker 2: I'm trying to wrap my head around the both at
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  Speaker 2: the same time, feeling happy and unhappy at the same time.
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  Speaker 2: Could that be like happy but exhausted? Kind of like
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  Speaker 2: that maybe, or you know, how about I'm angry but drunk.
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  Speaker 1: What are you looking at me when you say that?
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  Speaker 1: Like recently, we were in a conversation with one of
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  Speaker 1: the folks working on the house, and it was a
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  Speaker 1: frustrating conversation in the context of something that was good.
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  Speaker 1: So I wouldn't describe myself at the time as just like,
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  Speaker 1: oh my god, seriously, we've got to deal with this.
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  Speaker 1: It's okay, it'll be done soon. I love what we're
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  Speaker 1: having done, blah blah blah. So I don't know. But
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  Speaker 1: then now he's going to get to the business end
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  Speaker 1: of his proposition. Unhappiness isn't a sign that anything's wrong,
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  Speaker 1: and it's not something you can fix no matter how
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  Speaker 1: much time you spend in therapy. The reality is that
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  Speaker 1: the majority of people are mentally healthy. They just want
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  Speaker 1: to make their lives happier. And then he gets into
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  Speaker 1: the history of it that there was no study of that,
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  Speaker 1: and Martin Seligman thought that was crazy, and it led
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  Speaker 1: him to champion the discipline of positive psychology, based on
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  Speaker 1: the hypothesis that an absence of negativity does not imply
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  Speaker 1: the presence of positivity. Psychologists do he argued, should develop
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  Speaker 1: tools and interventions not only to lower on happiness, but
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  Speaker 1: to raise happiness as well. And here's speaking of simple
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  Speaker 1: ancient wisdom that you will ignore at your peril, and
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  Speaker 1: you will deserve to be unhappy if you do. I'm
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  Speaker 1: yelling at me, not you. So if therapy won't make
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  Speaker 1: you happy, what does positive psychologist say will do so?
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  Speaker 1: A good place to start is to get out of
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  Speaker 1: the house and mix with people. Published research finds great
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  Speaker 1: happiness increases from, for example, investing time with friends and family,
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  Speaker 1: joining a club, staying active, practicing your religion, trying new things.
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  Speaker 1: The reason for this is that these activities stimulate the
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  Speaker 1: three macro nutrients of happiness enjoyment, satisfaction, and meaning.
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  Speaker 2: To a certain extent, it just interrupts your negative thought
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  Speaker 2: patterns because you're just You're engaging in a conversation. See,
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  Speaker 2: it's just not ruminating about whatever was making you unhappy.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, And I haven't actually talked about this much,
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  Speaker 1: but I have been prone at times to occasions of
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  Speaker 1: a spiral of nasty, nasty thoughts, not like, you know,
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  Speaker 1: I want her to wear a cowgirl outfit, and you know,
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  Speaker 1: maybe I'll have a w no, like, it's more like
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  Speaker 1: you want to put them in a pit crazy negative
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  Speaker 1: thoughts about myself mostly and about you know, just you
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  Speaker 1: know how it is. You just get into these pits.
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  Speaker 1: And the one thing I finally realized was get out,
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  Speaker 1: get away from yourself, engage with other people and other things.
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  Speaker 1: That ruminative spiral. That's the one thing you have to avoid.
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  Speaker 1: It's amazing though, even go to a freaking store and
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  Speaker 1: walk around.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. I think we've all had this experience. But you
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  Speaker 2: can be ruminating about something and feel pretty down, overwhelmed
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  Speaker 2: or whatever, and then we get out of it because
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  Speaker 2: you got a phone call or somebody knocked at the
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  Speaker 2: door and a maaleman, I want to sell you site,
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  Speaker 2: whatever it is. It's almost when you're out of it,
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  Speaker 2: it's like, Wow, the gem rips me out of those
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  Speaker 2: every time, A good one.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. Actually, there's another study I've got around here somewhere
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  Speaker 1: that actually we had I think we had audio of
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  Speaker 1: it maybe yesterday, that aerobic exercise was found to be
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  Speaker 1: about equal with antidepressants.
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  Speaker 2: That doesn't surprise me yet.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, just get some exercise. So anyway, those again those
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  Speaker 1: three mac no oh, I was going to say and
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  Speaker 1: also the whole engage outside yourself thing. Sometimes you'll just go,
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to take a walk and go to the
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  Speaker 1: store whatever, and you'll see somebody who is truly unfortunate,
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  Speaker 1: and your heart will go out to them. And it's
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  Speaker 1: not like, oh, I'm not so bad off, they're really
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  Speaker 1: bad off, because that's that cheapens the emotion. It's more like, oh,
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  Speaker 1: my god, there are people really suffering in the world,
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  Speaker 1: and I would sure like to be able to help them,
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  Speaker 1: at least if I could. And that just gets you
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  Speaker 1: out shot side yourself. But anyway, the three macro nutrients
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  Speaker 1: of happiness enjoyment, satisfaction, and meaning. Uh. You might be
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  Speaker 1: a tempted to ask whether you really need a PhD
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  Speaker 1: to know that you'll be happier if you have a
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  Speaker 1: couple of friends. Try not to be a jerk and
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  Speaker 1: go get off the couch from time to time. Bah
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  Speaker 1: blah blah blah blah. But please, He's writes, consider that
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  Speaker 1: I spent a very long time in school, so listen
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  Speaker 1: to me. Essentially, you want to be happy, act nicely.
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  Speaker 1: As one of the po positive interventions that scholars have
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  Speaker 1: proven to be effective, just be kind.
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  Speaker 2: I had the luxury of getting to do the experiment
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  Speaker 2: that a lot of people don't get to do because
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  Speaker 2: I made the mistake of not having children until later
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  Speaker 2: than I should have. But I had plenty of time
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  Speaker 2: to be I had no responsibilities, I had money and time,
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  Speaker 2: and I was miserable. I got to do the experiment
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  Speaker 2: and no, at least for me, money time and freedom
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  Speaker 2: with no responsibility, which gives you no meaning, made me miserable.
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  Speaker 2: I got to do the experience for a lot of
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  Speaker 2: spend a lot of time doing that, and there is
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  Speaker 2: nothing there there, So I at least don't have that
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  Speaker 2: like because I think a lot of people. You know,
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  Speaker 2: you're busy with your you have kids at a normal age,
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  Speaker 2: whatever your job. You think. Man, someday when I got
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  Speaker 2: all these kids are out of the house and I
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  Speaker 2: got free time, it's gonna be so awesome. Maybe it
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  Speaker 2: won't be for you, but you got to come up
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  Speaker 2: with something to give you a meaning, because right the self,
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  Speaker 2: the looking for pleasure every day wears off really freaking fast.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, that pleasure is not meaning enjoyment. That can be
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  Speaker 1: pleasure things you just like doing, but satisfaction and meaning
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  Speaker 1: going out to a really nice meal is enjoyment. But
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  Speaker 1: are are you like proud of yourself that you did
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  Speaker 1: it and reflect back on it thinking wow, I really
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  Speaker 1: learned something. No, no, indeed, let me do I finished. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: here's this is close, which brings me backing into my
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  Speaker 1: student's question. Much of what I teach in that class
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  Speaker 1: and what I will be writing about in this column
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  Speaker 1: falls under the banter of positive psychology, introducing tools to
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  Speaker 1: you can use to make yourself happier rather than just
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  Speaker 1: less unhappy. So don't fire your therapist for not making
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  Speaker 1: you happier, just as you wouldn't fire her for not
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  Speaker 1: fixing your dishwasher. That's not her job. And one last point,
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  Speaker 1: if you don't have a real problem to fix but
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  Speaker 1: just want to get happier, you might not need therapy
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  Speaker 1: at all, even if it seems as if everyone else
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  Speaker 1: is doing it.
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  Speaker 2: If you went on a Saturday morning and help them
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  Speaker 2: do the food kitchen thing or whatever like that, I
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  Speaker 2: would be shocked if that doesn't do the average person
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  Speaker 2: more good than seeing a therapist once a week. Oh
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  Speaker 2: without a doubt or anything similar.
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  Speaker 1: Too. Yeah, useless or bad? Yeah, yeah, take a brisk
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  Speaker 1: walk to the food kitchen back. It'll be more effective
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  Speaker 1: than any drug your doctor will tell you to stick
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  Speaker 1: down your throat.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. My final thought on that would be, I understand
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  Speaker 2: what you were saying about that. You run into somebody
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  Speaker 2: who's got a really bad problem. There's something too just
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  Speaker 2: the plane, Okay, my problem is not as bad as that, guys.
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  Speaker 2: I mean, just a perspective. Does a perspective that's not useless? Oh,
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: you're right, pretty good, you're right. Yeah, Well, I guess
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  Speaker 2: that's it.