Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #486 Holiday Edition - Ant Williams

Transcript

#486 Holiday Edition - Ant Williams · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the.
• 0:07
  Speaker 2: Time poor parent who just wants answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: Now. School holidays are slowly but surely ebbing to a close,
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  Speaker 1: at least if you're in Queensland. We've got just a
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: few more days and the kids are back at school.
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  Speaker 1: One more week for New South Wales and I think
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  Speaker 1: Victoria as well. I'll have to double check my calendars.
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  Speaker 1: But let's get into today's podcast. This is doctor Justin Colson.
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: I'm so excited to be able to share with you
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  Speaker 1: a conversation that I had way back in episode number
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  Speaker 1: one hundred and nineteen of the podcast. It was with
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  Speaker 1: a guy by the name of Aunt Williams. He's a
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  Speaker 1: good friend of mine and a sports psychologist. He's also
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  Speaker 1: a free diver, one of those people who hold their
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  Speaker 1: breath for a really long time or they submerge themselves
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  Speaker 1: in the deepest water possible, and has set world records
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  Speaker 1: for diving under ice in freezing, freezing cold water. A
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  Speaker 1: couple of years ago, he set the world record for
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  Speaker 1: the deepest free dive under ice. I mean we're talking
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  Speaker 1: about going down seventy meters. Think about it. You've got
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  Speaker 1: to go seventy meters down and then you've got to
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  Speaker 1: get seventy meters back up. That's one hundred and forty meters,
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  Speaker 1: almost three laps of an Olympic sized swimming pool in
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  Speaker 1: water that has ice one meter thick on top of it,
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  Speaker 1: on one single breath with no breathing apparatus, just a
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  Speaker 1: deep breath, your lungs down, you go, and then swimming
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  Speaker 1: back up to the surface. Well and and I had
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  Speaker 1: a great conversation in episode number one hundred and nineteen
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  Speaker 1: of the podcast about his accomplishments in free diving. It's
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  Speaker 1: a fascinating chat. Go back and have a listen to it.
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  Speaker 1: But he's just a snippet when I asked him how
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  Speaker 1: that free diving has taught him life lessons that have
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  Speaker 1: helped him to be a bit of parent. And we
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  Speaker 1: talked about the strategy of letting go.
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  Speaker 2: Well, for me, it's about realizing that I'm part of
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  Speaker 2: the issue. And that's hard, I think to accept on
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  Speaker 2: a number of occasions when we see our kids being unruly,
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  Speaker 2: as you think, this is my kid being unruly, and
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  Speaker 2: it's them. It's they've got to fix this, and I'm
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  Speaker 2: going to tell them how to fix this, and they
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  Speaker 2: should listen to me because I'm the adult and I'm
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  Speaker 2: I know best, Whereas in fact we still want the
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  Speaker 2: same outcome. We want to get our kids through something
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  Speaker 2: that's you know, a significant challenge. The insight for me
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  Speaker 2: from the free diving has been I still want the
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  Speaker 2: right outcome, which is to go deeper. I want to
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  Speaker 2: feel that experience of being successful with that, but I
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  Speaker 2: have to I have to be more humble. I actually
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  Speaker 2: have to acknowledge that what I'm doing is not working
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  Speaker 2: in this situation and I have to be open to
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  Speaker 2: different paths to change it up. And you know, when
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  Speaker 2: I figured that out i'm free diving, it was monumental
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  Speaker 2: for me. I think it took me years before I
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  Speaker 2: then learned how to take that insight and apply it
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  Speaker 2: to how I was parenting. And I still don't get
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  Speaker 2: it right all the time. There's no way, but I
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  Speaker 2: catch myself more often now going what outcome am I
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  Speaker 2: really have to hear? What's the best outcome for my
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  Speaker 2: son and my daughter? And what else can I try?
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  Speaker 2: If I'm if I put my ego to one side
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  Speaker 2: and explore different p So what does my child really
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  Speaker 2: need from me today? Or right in this moment, and
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  Speaker 2: I'm just trying to be open to explore different ways
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  Speaker 2: of being for my children.
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  Speaker 1: So let's talk about this in a really concrete way.
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  Speaker 1: Let's say I've got a child and I don't feel
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  Speaker 1: like they're living up to their potential. And by the way,
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  Speaker 1: I've got a massive problem with that statement. You know,
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  Speaker 1: I want my children to live up to their potential.
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: What does that even mean? Like, who actually does live
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  Speaker 1: up to their potential? Anyway, I digress, But a lot
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  Speaker 1: of parents will say I really want my parent my
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  Speaker 1: children to live up to their potential, whether it's academically,
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  Speaker 1: or whether it's in the sporting arena, or whether it's
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  Speaker 1: musically or in their art and drama pursuits, whatever it
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  Speaker 1: might be. I want my child to live up to
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  Speaker 1: my potential. And so we've got this. Let's say there's
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  Speaker 1: a whole lot of pressure around this because the child
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  Speaker 1: is not living up to their potential, they're not doing
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  Speaker 1: the stuff that they said that they would do. How
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  Speaker 1: do you let go of that? Based on I mean,
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  Speaker 1: you've given some really nice ideas in an abstract kind
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  Speaker 1: of way, in that general sense of we need to
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  Speaker 1: let go. But when you're in the heat of the
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  Speaker 1: moment and you're thinking, I've just I've spoken to this
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  Speaker 1: eight year old or this eighteen year old fifteen times
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  Speaker 1: about this. I'm going to keep on having the same conversation.
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  Speaker 1: And they're just not putting in the work. They're not
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  Speaker 1: going to soccer practice, or they're not studying for their exams,
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  Speaker 1: or they're not doing their their music lessons properly. So
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  Speaker 1: they're going to pass the music test. How do you
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  Speaker 1: let go? Should you let go? I mean, I think
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  Speaker 1: you and I both agree that the answer to that
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  Speaker 1: is probably yes. But if so, how do you let
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  Speaker 1: go in a way that actually works? Yeah?
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  Speaker 2: Look, and I'm going to be honest, they struggle as
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  Speaker 2: much for this as any parent. So I guess all
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  Speaker 2: like an offer here is that is that I want them.
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  Speaker 2: I want to just be there to agitate what's happening
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  Speaker 2: with your internal dialogue. Now I know that that's another concept, right,
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  Speaker 2: And I'll try to get more concrete for you, because
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  Speaker 2: you've rightly asked me to be more concrete with this stuff.
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  Speaker 2: And so what I mean by that is I want
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  Speaker 2: to challenge them to pay through the scenario, to just
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: walk through, Okay, so because you don't want to do
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  Speaker 2: your homework and you don't want to you don't want
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: to participate in I know, taekwondo anymore because you feel
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  Speaker 2: bored and you want to play with mates or build
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  Speaker 2: tiktoks and okay, cook, So where does this? You know,
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  Speaker 2: what do you love the most about this? And where
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  Speaker 2: does this take you? And what things were you learning
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  Speaker 2: from from taekwondo that you kind of miss right now?
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  Speaker 2: And and I just I literally just play it out
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  Speaker 2: in the conversation with him, just just just to kind
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  Speaker 2: of go, where does this lead us to? And and
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  Speaker 2: sometimes they go, no, I'm really happy just being being me,
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  Speaker 2: enjoying building my tiktoks right now in the moment. And
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  Speaker 2: that's You've got to suck it up, dad, That's just
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  Speaker 2: how it's going to be. And I go, right, my
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  Speaker 2: child's not ready for this other conversation yet, but it
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  Speaker 2: doesn't mean that they won't be in a week's time.
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  Speaker 2: And so I'll try to have it again with them
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  Speaker 2: in a week's time. And I just you just got
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  Speaker 2: to stay really open because if you if you go
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  Speaker 2: in and go listen, I'm going to tell you what
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  Speaker 2: happens if you follow down this path. We're any longer
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  Speaker 2: building your tiktoks and not doing your homework.
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  Speaker 1: And you're going to be a failure. Your life's over.
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  Speaker 1: We might as just now you're not living up to
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  Speaker 1: your potentially.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, you're not going to get the outcome you wont You.
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  Speaker 1: Can hear more of that conversation with Aunt Williams in
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  Speaker 1: episode number one hundred and nineteen of the Happy Families podcasts.
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: The unhealthy, unhelpful boy code that is rampant in our
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  Speaker 1: children's school and social environments encourages some persistent and dangerous
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  Speaker 1: ideas about what it means to be male. But the
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  Speaker 1: Building Better Boys webinar is here to help unpack these
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  Speaker 1: cultural ideas and help guide our boys to be brilliant, beautiful,
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  Speaker 1: and even better. Building Better Boys is available today online
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  Speaker 1: at Happy Families dot com dot au. It's the Happy
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  Speaker 1: Families podcast, the podcast for the time poor parent who
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: just wants answers now. Thanks so much for listening to
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  Speaker 1: this holiday edition of the podcast. On Monday. One more
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  Speaker 1: holiday interview snippet with one of my all time favorite
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  Speaker 1: authors and one of the most influential people in my life,
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  Speaker 1: the author of Punished by rewards Alfie Cone when we
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  Speaker 1: talk about dealing with children who are acting up and
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  Speaker 1: behaving in ways that we might call challenging. That's on
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  Speaker 1: Monday in the Happy Families podcast. Until then, have a
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  Speaker 1: wonderful weekend. The podcast, as always, is produced by Justin
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  Speaker 1: Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer
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  Speaker 1: and if you'd like more info about making your family happier,
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  Speaker 1: you'll find it at Happy families dot com dot au