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#6 Microdose on Values: How Knowing Your Values Can Help You with Indecision in Relationships · College Is Fine, Everything's Fine

[00:00:00] Okay, so maybe you saw this on Instagram and maybe you didn't, but Liz and I are coming at you with a few microdose episodes to follow up on our Finding Friends series. So we wanted to give you some quick tips that you could just listen to on the go, just a quick walk to class, to really hear us out.out on some of the ways that you can keep your people, find your people, manage relationships. So we're going to bring you a few of these this week, and then we'll be coming back at you with full episodes soon. I'm Dr. Sarah Olivo. And I'm Dr. Liz Seidler. And this is I'm fine. Everything's fine. College Edition.In episode four, titled Why it can be hard to find your people and keep them. We talked a lot about how indecision can get in the way of relationships in particular. And this time we want to talk more about how you can get unstuck from it and what causes it. [00:01:00] Our guests touched on a few ways people can feel when they meet a relationship fork in the road.They talked about how they weren't sure which friend group to focus on. Oh, should I go out with a group that I'm not really quickening with just to have plans? Should I stay with my high school sweetheart or explore the freedoms of freshman year? Or is this a truly toxic friendship that I need to end?Or should I be more understanding and flexible with that understanding that no one is perfect? I know that the worst thing I can say with all of this, but it's the damn truth is it depends. People hate it when I say it, but hold on, I'm going to clarify. A lot of times when people can't make a decision, it's because two things that are really important to them at the same time are in an argument with each other.Think of it like the angel and the devil sitting on your shoulder. Only in this instance, there isn't a clear right or a clear wrong. Maybe it's more like two Jiminy crickets sitting there, each one trying to convince you that he's right. What's really going on here is a values conflict. Values are the things that are important to us in life, and there aren't good [00:02:00] ones.There aren't bad ones. There are only your ones, and it's important for you to know what they are. You're going to hear me and Liz talk a ton about values, so this is just a little primer just so you know. But think of values like this. If you had your friends or your parents or your partner being interviewed on live TV, think of them all on those screens you see like in Times Square when the evil guy takes over the world and he takes over every little screen.It's that scenario. Only picture that your friends, your family, people you care about. And the interviewer asked them to describe you in five words. Whole world is watching. What would you want those words to be? Well, chances are that those are some of your values. Think about it for a second. What would you want those words to be?Now, values can come to you easily. Or values can be aspirational. For instance, I tend to genuinely like people when I meet them. I got most likely to befriend a stranger in my high school yearbook. So friendliness is something that I value and it comes pretty easily to me. I also [00:03:00] value self discipline.And if you ask my friends and family, if I had self discipline, they would just laugh in your face, laugh in your face. So it's a value of mine, but it's very. Very aspirational. The other thing about values is that you can have two really important values that can come into conflict. One of those values, conflicts that can come up a lot.That's really common is valuing kindness and also valuing honesty. But guess what? A lot of times when you're being honest, you're not exactly being kind. Sometimes in my work, I have to be really honest with people and it doesn't feel very good. It doesn't feel kind, but I still value honesty and I still think being honest in that moment trumps being kind if it means helping someone.The last thing I'll say here about values is you want to make sure you're aware of those internalized rules or those shoulds, and those are different from values. A lot of people think, Oh, I should put kind on the list, although that's not something they really want guiding their life. They feel guilty about putting things like ambition on their list.Please let yourself be you here. [00:04:00] There's a time and a place to think about societal rules. This is not one of them. Just make this list assuming no one is watching, because guess what? No one is. Okay. Back to relationships. When you're struggling with decision in your relationships, a lot of times it's because there's a values conflict.So for instance, we talked about not being sure which friend group to focus on. Well, that could be a values conflict between fun versus connection with other people, or it could be a should. I should bond with my sorority, but I'm not really into what they're doing right now. Another one we talked about.Do I go out with a group that I'm not clicking with just to say I have plans? Well, that could be a values conflict between self care and integrity, or it could be a should. I should go out so I can post things on social media, but I'm exhausted. Another one. Should I stay with my high school sweetheart or explore the freedoms of freshman year?Well, that might be a values conflict between [00:05:00] freedom, enjoying that, and loyalty to someone you care about. And last but not least, is this a truly toxic friendship I need to sever, or do I need to be more flexible in understanding? This could be a values conflict between being open minded to people or having some self protection.It also could be a should. I should stay with them because they're more popular, etc, etc, etc. So, what's the main point? When you're faced with indecision in your relationships, ask yourself two things. Is this a values conflict? Are two important things in my life playing tug of war, or is this a should and not a value?If it's a should think, what do I want leading my actions here? What do I want to be my anchor? I am not saying that moving toward a value is easy. Sometimes it can be harder than going with the flow for sure. And believe me, at some point down the road, you'll hear us talk a lot more about that pain of growth that you feel.When [00:06:00] you are moving towards a value, but God, it's so much better than a pain of stuckness. I promise. So when you move towards a value and act on that instead of a should, or if you're really aware of what value you want leading your actions, it tends to be followed with a sense of pride and it also makes it easier to be your full self over time.Okay. If this micro episode piqued your curiosity a little bit, we're going to post a values questionnaire and our show notes and you can go through it to see which values you're more drawn to. It was created by Russ Harris, who is one of the leaders in acceptance and commitment therapy. I'm also going to post a link to The Happiness Trap.It's a book by Russ Harris that goes into more detail about how to identify your values and how to stay committed to them in your actions. Thanks for listening and stay tuned for some more micro episodes coming up. Thank you to our guests for sharing their stories. This podcast is for college students and we want input by college students.Please reach out to us by text email or voice [00:07:00] memo at I'm buying college podcast at gmail. com or 9 to 9 500 2, 2, 3, 1. Tell us your story. Give us tips on what kinds of topics you'd like to hear, or give us feedback about an episode. We'll share episode announcements and resources on Instagram at I'm fine college pod.And last but not least, if you enjoyed today's episode, please subscribe to the podcast. Every hit of that plus button helps us keep going.