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Andy Stanley - Creating Vision for Parenting with Sandra Stanley · Andy Stanley Sermons

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hey, everybody.
• 0:06
  Speaker 2: Welcome to the Andy Stanley Leadership Podcast, a conversation designed
• 0:09
  Speaker 2: to help leaders go further faster. I'm Andy Stanley, and
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: today I am talking with my very special guests, my
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: favorite person in the whole world, and don't you all
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: hope it's my wife and it is today. Joining us
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: in this studio is Sandra Stanley. But before I invite
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: her into the conversation, I want to briefly review a
• 0:29
  Speaker 2: topic that longtime podcast listeners have heard me talk about before,
• 0:34
  Speaker 2: and this will sort of set the stage for why
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: Sandra is with us today.
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: It'll certainly help set up that discussion, and that topic
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: is vision.
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: Now, the topic of vision is important to me because,
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: simply put, everybody ends up somewhere in life, right, and
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: a few people actually end up somewhere on purpose. And
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: as a leader, you want to end up somewhere on purpose.
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: And generally those are the people with vision. People who
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: have some idea of a preferred future, whether for their business, personally,
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: their family, whatever. Sometimes referred to it as a north
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: star that guides them, and they may have other things
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: going on for them as well, but they certainly have vision.
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: Now, as we've talked about before.
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: A clear vision, along with the courage to actually follow through,
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: dramatically increases your chances to coming to the end of
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: your life or maybe even the end of a season
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: of life and looking back with a deep, abiding sense
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: of satisfaction and thinking, Wow, I did it, I succeeded,
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: I finished well, or I finished that well. And you
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: know this, there's no such thing as an emotionless vision, right,
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: I mean, a clear, focused vision actually allows us to
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: experience ahead of time the emotions associated with our anticipated future.
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: If you've ever sat in a meeting where you're planning
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: something and you since the energy in the room as
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: people begin to picture what this is going to look like,
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: you begin to feel it even before you experience it.
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: And that's one of the advantages of a vision because
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: it brings the emotion we need sometimes to push through,
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: especially in difficult times, and those passions or emotions actually
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: reinforced in our commitment to the vision. And as a leader,
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: your passion and emotion has the potential to empower your
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: team as well. In fact, the clearer the vision, I think,
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: the stronger the emotion vision. When we're committed to it,
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: it determines several things and one of the things that
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: determines is it determines direction because vision, and this is
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: so important. A vision is a predecision. You've predecided that
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: certain things are not options while other things are indispensable.
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: It prioritizes our values. Now, one of the things I've observed,
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: and again we've talked about this before on the podcast,
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: is that when a leader doesn't have a clear vision,
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: or a team doesn't have a clear vision, that leader
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: or that team is easily distracted and they have a
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: tendency to drift from one activity, one initiative, one pleasure,
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: or even one relationship to the next. And whereas all
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: of that is obvious when it comes to organizational life,
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: it doesn't simply apply to organizational life. And that's why
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: Sandra is with us in the studio today. We want
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: to talk about vision as it pertains to family life,
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: parenting in particular. So here's something to think about. Currently,
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: you are parenting your children in a direction. In fact,
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: your current approach and style is hurting them, for lack
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: of a better term, is hurting your children toward a
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: specific destination. So the question we want to ask you
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: today and hopefully help you answer, is this have you
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: chosen the direction in which you.
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: Are parenting your children?
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: Or are you content to simply discover that direction once
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: your kids arrive there? And that second question should scare
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: you to death. Are you really content to simply discover,
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: once all is said and done, the direction of whence
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: you parented your kids? So with that as an introduction,
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: please welcome the finest human being I know, wife and mother,
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: extraordinary and as of two months ago, a grandmother.
• 3:52
  Speaker 3: That's right. Well, thanks, it's great to be here.
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: So you know, Sandra and I are releasing a book
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: this month entitled Parenting Getting It Right, and the emphasis
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: is on the it.
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: Every parent wants to get it right. But if you don't.
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: Determine your it, life will determine it for you. That's
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: what we're going to focus on for the next few
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: minutes in our discussion. But before we get too far along,
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: we thought it would be helpful for you to know
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: a little.
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: Bit about our family. So Sandra filam in.
• 4:20
  Speaker 3: All right, Well, Andy and I have been married thirty
• 4:23
  Speaker 3: four years and we have three adult children, Andrew, Garrett,
• 4:27
  Speaker 3: and Ali. They are all twenty months apart.
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: Because we're planners.
• 4:31
  Speaker 3: Nope, nope, they're just twenty months apart. The sweet is Andrew,
• 4:35
  Speaker 3: our oldest, is a stand up comedian. Garrett, our middle
• 4:38
  Speaker 3: child is our extrovert. He works with a digital marketing
• 4:41
  Speaker 3: company firm here in the Atlanta area.
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: And Ali is our youngest and she actually works for
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: me at north Point Community Church, which is a lot
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: of fun.
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  Speaker 1: Yep.
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  Speaker 3: All three are married. We love, love, love our daughters
• 4:52
  Speaker 3: in law and our son in law and our first grandchild,
• 4:55
  Speaker 3: like Andy said, arrived in November, and we just adore her.
• 4:59
  Speaker 3: In fact, we could just show pictures or talk about pictures.
• 5:02
  Speaker 3: We could hold them up on our phone and just
• 5:04
  Speaker 3: talk about pictures the whole time. She has captured our heart. Additionally,
• 5:08
  Speaker 3: we have been foster parents. We started our foster care
• 5:10
  Speaker 3: journey about twelve years ago and continue to just have
• 5:14
  Speaker 3: a deep love for the fostering community.
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: Yep.
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: So now that you know a little bit about our family,
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: I want to get back to it. You want to
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: get it right as a parent, But what is your it?
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: What exactly is the it you want to get right?
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: What is your north star or what is your vision?
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: What do you want to parent towards right?
• 5:33
  Speaker 3: Our observation is that most parents are so busy parenting
• 5:37
  Speaker 3: that they never stop to consider what they're parenting to
• 5:40
  Speaker 3: their north star. They're too busy to stop and consider
• 5:43
  Speaker 3: the end or the win. And we're not being critical,
• 5:45
  Speaker 3: we get it. In two parent homes, it is not
• 5:49
  Speaker 3: uncommon for parents to actually have two different wins in mind.
• 5:53
  Speaker 3: And when that's the case, parents parent at cross purposes
• 5:56
  Speaker 3: without even realizing it, and the result is a tension
• 5:59
  Speaker 3: that neither parent can actually explain, but one that children's
• 6:03
  Speaker 3: sinse and teenagers naturally figure out how to leverage in
• 6:06
  Speaker 3: their favor.
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah, they exploit it. And of course that's the problem.
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: If you don't pause long enough to consider the direction
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: in which you are parenting, you may wake up one
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: day to the realization that you parented in the wrong direction.
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: And by wrong, I mean you parent it in a
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: direction you would not have chosen had you stopped long
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: enough to choose it. And it happens all the time.
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: It's the principle of the path that direction ultimately determines destination.
• 6:32
  Speaker 3: That's right direction, not intention determines destination. As I mentioned earlier,
• 6:37
  Speaker 3: we're foster parents and we've seen this principle play out
• 6:40
  Speaker 3: in the worst imaginable ways. Whether you've thought of it
• 6:43
  Speaker 3: this way or before or not, you are parenting your
• 6:46
  Speaker 3: children in a direction, and you owe it to them,
• 6:49
  Speaker 3: and you owe it to your future family to choose
• 6:52
  Speaker 3: it ahead of time.
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: Exactly if your parenting style, habits, responses, and approach are
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: not dictated by a predetermined win, they will be dictated
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: by circumstances, culture, the reactions of your children, and the
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: expectations of others. And as you listen to me go
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: through that list, some of you are thinking, that's exactly right.
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: My whole parenting style. Our parenting style is determined by circumstances,
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: the expectations of others, maybe the expectation of your parents,
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: the pattern that maybe your husband or wife grew up with.
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: So again, it gets messy really quickly. In fact, it
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: becomes a whirlwind. And in the whirlwind you are reduced
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: to reacting rather than leading toward a predetermined destination. And again,
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: you've experienced this in your business, you may be experiencing
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: something similar at home.
• 7:39
  Speaker 3: That's right, So we would like to be so bold
• 7:42
  Speaker 3: as to suggest a particular it that it we're convinced
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  Speaker 3: makes all the difference. The north star of parenting.
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: So let's get to it now.
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  Speaker 2: Our it that we're going to suggest is not original
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: with us. In fact, we borrowed it from veteran parents
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: that we've observed and done life with over the US years,
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: parents who we felt like got it right. But the
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: best example, and the one that really got my attention
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: is Sandra's parents, the way they parented. And here's what
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: I observed that I was convinced should be our north star.
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  Speaker 2: And I say I was convinced she was already convinced
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: because Sandra assumed it would be.
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  Speaker 3: It was all I knew.
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: It was all you knew. That's right.
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: Sandra has an older sister and a younger brother, so
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: she's the middle child. And the thing that impressed me
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: immediately about her family when we began dating is that
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: they all enjoyed being together. In fact, they look forward
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: to being together. They looked for excuses to be together,
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: and when they were together, it was drama free and
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: it was enjoyable.
• 8:39
  Speaker 3: Right. And I didn't even know it was a thing, because,
• 8:41
  Speaker 3: like I said, it was all I knew. So for
• 8:43
  Speaker 3: a while, my brother lived in California, my sister and
• 8:46
  Speaker 3: I both lived, you know, closer to mom and dad.
• 8:48
  Speaker 3: So when we were all together, we would actually call
• 8:52
  Speaker 3: Jack and we would tell them what we were eating,
• 8:54
  Speaker 3: and we would kind of, you know, say, you know,
• 8:57
  Speaker 3: Grandmama's biscuit, Sure are good, Sorry, you're missing out, kind
• 9:00
  Speaker 3: of just give him grief about that.
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: And I remember this was so strange.
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  Speaker 2: I would be in Dublin, Georgia, which is in Middle Georgia,
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: and sure enough they're all together again Jackson, California, and
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: they would stop in the middle of something and say,
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: let's call Jack.
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, And I would think, let's persecute our list
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: calling Jack.
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: I mean, I'm not going to call my sister. And
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: they would all gather around the phone and just you're
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: missing out, you're missing out. Well, this dynamic was so healthy.
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: I thought, that's worth parenting towards. That's what I hope
• 9:33
  Speaker 2: we experience with our kids when we have kids someday.
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: But again, what was just another day in the neighborhood
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: for Sander's family. It was new to me, it was unusual,
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: and it was very attractive. Now Sandra assumed it, as
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: she said, because it was all she knew. But I
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: knew that families don't drift in the direction of what
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: her family experienced.
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: In fact, they drift the other way. So here's what.
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: Happened on our way to the beach to spend a
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: week with Sanders family. With little baby Andrew are first born,
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: strapped into.
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: His car seat.
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: I suggested that we set some goals because I felt
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: like I needed a plan for things to be different.
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: I would have to do things differently, think differently, and
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: I thought prioritized differently.
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: So we set some goals.
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: We set four goals for our family, and of those
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: four goals, only one survive the rigors of parenthood, and
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: as it turns out, it was the most important one
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: and the one that most closely associated with the dynamic
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: that I observed in Sandra's family, and that one goal
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: has been our north star ever since.
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: It informed every aspect of our parenting. The words we.
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: Choose, the tone we set, the schedule we adopted, and
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: even our approach to discipline, which we'll talk about in
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: just a minute. It was our it and we highly
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: recommend it. So here it is, Sandra, you.
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: Share it with.
• 10:43
  Speaker 3: So here's our it boiled down to just a sentence.
• 10:46
  Speaker 3: We wanted kids who enjoy being with us and with
• 10:49
  Speaker 3: each other when they no longer have to be. That's it.
• 10:53
  Speaker 3: That was it. That was the bull's eye on the
• 10:55
  Speaker 3: target for us and our It was one hundred percent
• 10:59
  Speaker 3: real relational. So we parented with the relationship in mind.
• 11:04
  Speaker 3: We just always parented with the relationship in mind, their
• 11:08
  Speaker 3: relationship with us and with each other, current and future relationships.
• 11:13
  Speaker 3: And really we would just ask the question, is this
• 11:15
  Speaker 3: when we're trying to make a decision, is this good
• 11:17
  Speaker 3: for our relationships? And if it was good for the relationship,
• 11:21
  Speaker 3: it was good.
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: And if it wasn't, we wasn't right. We just didn't
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: do it.
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: So again, we wanted to raise kids who enjoyed being
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: with us and with each other when they no longer
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: had to be and by no longer had to be.
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: We were thinking about that day when they would leave
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: our home and they would have the option as to
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: whether or not they ever returned or spent time with
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: each other. Now, honestly, if I had not seen this it,
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: if I had not seen it and Sanders' family, I
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: would not have set my sights on it. Knowing me,
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: I would have parented with compliance or competence and accomplishment
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: in mind. And as you know, I'm still a fan
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: of competence and accomplishment, but I'm so grateful I did
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: not embrace either of those as the win when it
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: came to parenting, or another way of saying that, I'm
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: just so glad I didn't embrace either of those as
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: our it.
• 12:06
  Speaker 3: That's right. And because we were parenting with the relationship
• 12:09
  Speaker 3: in mind, the rules we set were all tied to
• 12:13
  Speaker 3: relationship building and relationship protecting.
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: In fact, in our home we only had two overarching rules,
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: and our two rules were honor mom and don't tell
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: a lie. Honor mom first one my favorite, Santa's favorite,
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: Honor mom and again not obey mom. Honor Mom. That's broader,
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: and don't tell a lie. And the reason we would
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: give our kids for not telling a lie is this
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: lying breaks the relationship.
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: Lying breaks the relationship.
• 12:41
  Speaker 3: Yep. Since protecting our relationships was paramount, we disciplined our
• 12:45
  Speaker 3: kids with the relationship in mind. Discipline was always designed
• 12:49
  Speaker 3: around relationship restoration, not punishment. We didn't resort to taking
• 12:55
  Speaker 3: things away or stuff like that because that does nothing
• 12:58
  Speaker 3: to restore a relationship. And since we were re parenting
• 13:01
  Speaker 3: toward relationship, we wanted to discipline toward restoring relationships.
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so we were intentional about teaching our kids early
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: how to restore a broken relationship.
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: And here's why that's so important.
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: You know people, you know, adults who have broken relationships
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: and they're just stuck. And when you hear the circumstances,
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: you think to yourself, well, just apologize or just call
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: or just you know, make an effort. But we all
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: know adults who have never been taught how to restore
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: a broken relationship.
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: So this is a skill set.
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: And again to Sandra's point a minute ago, because we
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: were parenting toward relationship, one of the most important things
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: we knew we needed to teach our kids is how
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: to restore a broken relationship.
• 13:44
  Speaker 3: So we taught our kids early that dishonesty, disrespect, and
• 13:47
  Speaker 3: disobedience always negatively impacted a relationship. We call them the
• 13:51
  Speaker 3: three d's. Dishonesty, disrespect, and disobedience always negatively impact a relationship.
• 13:57
  Speaker 3: So it made sense that discipline measures were always tied
• 14:02
  Speaker 3: to restoring what was broken.
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: That's right.
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: So when our children were disrespectful, and they were, and
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: when they were disobedient and they were, and on occasion,
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: when they were dishonest and they were. We immediately tied
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: that behavior not to you've just done something wrong or
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: you disobeyed. We would always explain to them what their dishonesty, disobedience,
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: or disrespect did to a relationship. We were very intentional
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: about always tying it back to relationship. I'll give you
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: a great example of how this worked out.
• 14:37
  Speaker 3: And this, actually, I say, is Andy's finest parenting moment,
• 14:40
  Speaker 3: but I'll let you tell the story.
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: Well.
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: Thank you for those of you with middle school and
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: high school students, you know how difficult it is to
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: know what to do sometimes when our kids are dishonest,
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: or disrespectful or just disobedient. Obviously it takes more creativity,
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: and simply taking things away, as we mentioned earlier, doesn't
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: restore the relationship. So here's how a scenario played out
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: for us. I came home one day and found out
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: that one of our boys had been extremely, extremely disrespectful
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: to Sandra. At this point, he was sixteen years old,
• 15:10
  Speaker 2: and he had driven off and really left a mess
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: relationally at home. And when Sandra told me what had happened,
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: I was so angry. When he came home, he assumed
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: that she told me what happened, and he knew things
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: weren't going to go well. But one of the things
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: that we learn, and one of the things we talk
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: about in the book, is that the older your children are,
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: the longer you can wait before you let them know
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: how you're going to respond to dishonesty, disrespect, or disobedience.
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: And in this case, I really didn't know what to do,
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: but I knew that simply taking things away wasn't the approach.
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: Somehow I had to come up with something that would
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: help restore the relationship between our son and their mom,
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: our son and Sandra. So it took me a while.
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: In fact, it took me so long Sandra began to wonder, like,
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: are you hello, Yeah? Are you just going to let
• 15:58
  Speaker 2: this pass and not do any thing? So I finally
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: came up with a plan and I went upstairs. And
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: this is a few days later actually, and you know
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: the look on my face when I walked in. He
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: knew we were about to talk about that thing that
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: I had not forgotten. So here's what I said. I said,
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: here's what you're gonna do. I want you to ask
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: your mother out on a date. You picked the restaurant
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: ahead of time, somewhere nice. You drive, it's just the
• 16:25
  Speaker 2: two of you, and you pay, and the look on
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: his face.
• 16:31
  Speaker 3: He's dead, take my key, yeah, take the right, take everything,
• 16:34
  Speaker 3: take the life, take my life.
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: But what he said was yes, sir, and so he did.
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: In fact, Sandra, why don't you finish it?
• 16:43
  Speaker 3: Yeah? So he came down and he said, hey, Mom,
• 16:46
  Speaker 3: I would love if you would go to dinner with
• 16:48
  Speaker 3: me tonight. And I said, was it that night I had? Well,
• 16:52
  Speaker 3: maybe it was, so either the night or the next.
• 16:54
  Speaker 3: It was quick. Yeah, because he was ready to get
• 16:56
  Speaker 3: this thing done. So he he took me. I remember
• 17:00
  Speaker 3: the restaurant, I remember where we were sitting. We go in,
• 17:04
  Speaker 3: I remember even his shirt. This was such. This was
• 17:07
  Speaker 3: just one of those defining moments, and it was. It
• 17:10
  Speaker 3: was a powerful moment. And so we sit down in
• 17:13
  Speaker 3: the restaurant and you know, we're dipping our bread into
• 17:15
  Speaker 3: the olive oil and just kind of chatting, and he goes, Mom,
• 17:19
  Speaker 3: I just want to tell you how sorry I am
• 17:22
  Speaker 3: that I was so disrespectful to you the other day,
• 17:26
  Speaker 3: and I just hope that you can forgive me. And
• 17:28
  Speaker 3: I was like, no, I'm still mad. No, I did
• 17:30
  Speaker 3: not I did not say that I was already melted
• 17:34
  Speaker 3: in a puddle because I'm sitting there across from my
• 17:35
  Speaker 3: handsome sweet son. And when he apologized, I said, you
• 17:39
  Speaker 3: know what, I forgave you immediately after it happened. That
• 17:44
  Speaker 3: forgiveness isn't an issue at all, But thank you so
• 17:47
  Speaker 3: much for apologizing and for owning it. And I feel
• 17:53
  Speaker 3: like our relationship is right back where it needs to be.
• 17:55
  Speaker 3: I'm so grateful, and it just it really was. The
• 17:58
  Speaker 3: relationship was restored, and it really wasn't just about the
• 18:01
  Speaker 3: relationship being restored on my end. This was something so
• 18:04
  Speaker 3: powerful for him. This was something that I think probably
• 18:10
  Speaker 3: was so memorable for him that he carried it into
• 18:13
  Speaker 3: his adulthood and carries it around today because it was powerful.
• 18:16
  Speaker 3: It was so much more powerful than taking some keys
• 18:19
  Speaker 3: away or from you know, than taking a phone away
• 18:22
  Speaker 3: or any of those kind of things. This was one
• 18:24
  Speaker 3: of those moments that hopefully was a defining moment for
• 18:26
  Speaker 3: him too, but it certainly was for me.
• 18:28
  Speaker 2: And part of the point of the illustration is that
• 18:30
  Speaker 2: took some creativity, and that took some time.
• 18:32
  Speaker 3: But mental calories, it certainly did.
• 18:36
  Speaker 2: But again, it accomplished what responding to the three d's
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: is supposed to accomplish. It restored the relationship and after
• 18:43
  Speaker 2: their meal, that was it.
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: That was the end.
• 18:45
  Speaker 3: We're done with it.
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: We're done because the relationship was restored.
• 18:48
  Speaker 3: Because and that's like real life, right, that's how real life.
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: Works, right.
• 18:51
  Speaker 2: This wasn't payback, This was restore the relationship. Sandra has
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: an example that I think was one of her certainly
• 18:58
  Speaker 2: her most creative in terms of responding, and this one.
• 19:02
  Speaker 3: Well, this one is kind of in a younger season.
• 19:05
  Speaker 3: So this is more for parents of kids that are younger,
• 19:08
  Speaker 3: because the whole principle still applies regardless of season of life.
• 19:11
  Speaker 3: But Andy and I got home from a date one
• 19:14
  Speaker 3: night and babysitter had been there. And it was a
• 19:16
  Speaker 3: regular babysitter. It wasn't the kind of babysitter that just
• 19:18
  Speaker 3: loves to give you a bad report when you walk in.
• 19:20
  Speaker 3: There are those, but this one was one, you know,
• 19:22
  Speaker 3: we could tell. We said, how were you know? How
• 19:24
  Speaker 3: was the night? And Ali was really little, so she
• 19:27
  Speaker 3: had been put to bed early, and it was this
• 19:29
  Speaker 3: was really just about the boys. So the babysitter kind
• 19:31
  Speaker 3: of had a funny look on her face and she's like,
• 19:33
  Speaker 3: I mean, it was fine, and we realized it wasn't fine.
• 19:36
  Speaker 3: So we pull all the details out of the babysitter
• 19:39
  Speaker 3: and realize that our boys had been super disrespectful to
• 19:42
  Speaker 3: her through the evening. And so the next morning I
• 19:46
  Speaker 3: woke the boys up early. I told him, I said,
• 19:48
  Speaker 3: you know, I've got some stationary out in the kitchen.
• 19:51
  Speaker 3: I want you to go downstairs and write an apology
• 19:54
  Speaker 3: letter to Julie. Each of you write your own apology letter.
• 19:57
  Speaker 3: I want you to tell me when you're done. So
• 20:00
  Speaker 3: they go downstairs. They're writing apology notes and I said,
• 20:03
  Speaker 3: all right, so now the notes are done, I want
• 20:05
  Speaker 3: you to go get your wallets and meet Allie and
• 20:08
  Speaker 3: me in the car. So they're kind of looking like,
• 20:11
  Speaker 3: oh my gosh, you know what's about to happen. So
• 20:13
  Speaker 3: they go get their wallets. We all load up in
• 20:15
  Speaker 3: the car and I said, we are headed to Public's
• 20:18
  Speaker 3: and I'm going to let you use your money to
• 20:20
  Speaker 3: buy Julie some flowers, and then we're going to go
• 20:24
  Speaker 3: to Julie's office and you're going to walk in and
• 20:27
  Speaker 3: you're going to give her your note and the flowers,
• 20:29
  Speaker 3: and you're going to look her in the eye and
• 20:31
  Speaker 3: apologize for being so disrespectful last night. And so they
• 20:37
  Speaker 3: were horrified. And they were just at the season of
• 20:39
  Speaker 3: life where money was beginning to mean something to them
• 20:42
  Speaker 3: and they had to get the money out of their
• 20:43
  Speaker 3: spending jars, you know, out of their little well, their
• 20:46
  Speaker 3: wallets is where they put their spending money at that
• 20:48
  Speaker 3: season of life. So anyway, so that was a little
• 20:50
  Speaker 3: bit of extra pain. And so they were like, oh, Mom,
• 20:53
  Speaker 3: just can we mail can we mail the stuff? I'm like, no,
• 20:56
  Speaker 3: we're not going to mail it. You're going to go
• 20:57
  Speaker 3: march into her office and look her in the eye,
• 20:59
  Speaker 3: get for the note and the flowers and apologia.
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: So that's what we think of whoever is in there.
• 21:04
  Speaker 3: So we did that, and and you know, they walked
• 21:08
  Speaker 3: in and they looked at her and they said, Julie,
• 21:10
  Speaker 3: you know, we're so sorry that we, you know, were
• 21:12
  Speaker 3: so disrespectful to you. Here's your note, here's some flowers.
• 21:16
  Speaker 3: Can we get out of here? So it but it was,
• 21:19
  Speaker 3: you know, it was again, it was really it was
• 21:21
  Speaker 3: restoring a relationship. And even though Julie was fine, I
• 21:24
  Speaker 3: mean she you know, this wasn't her first rodeo with babysitting,
• 21:27
  Speaker 3: so you know she was fine. It really wasn't just
• 21:30
  Speaker 3: about her. It was about here is our opportunity to
• 21:34
  Speaker 3: parent with relationships in mind. Here's our opportunity to help
• 21:38
  Speaker 3: our boys understand restoring a broken relationship.
• 21:42
  Speaker 2: And restoring a broken relationship requires a big dose of
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: humility and says you own it and own it in
• 21:47
  Speaker 2: front of the person.
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: And again that was part of the training. So the
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: point of.
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: Those two stories is because the it for us was
• 21:55
  Speaker 2: kids who understand how to manage and repair a relationship,
• 21:59
  Speaker 2: because at the end of the day, our goal was
• 22:01
  Speaker 2: for them to want to be with us and with
• 22:03
  Speaker 2: each other when they no longer had to be. This
• 22:06
  Speaker 2: was relationship training. Now, raising kids who enjoy being with
• 22:08
  Speaker 2: you and with each other once they're grown and gone
• 22:10
  Speaker 2: may not seem like a groundbreaking concept, and it may
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: not even be what you value most right now as
• 22:16
  Speaker 2: a parent, especially in the early years. After all, during
• 22:19
  Speaker 2: the early years, who stops to consider what it's going
• 22:21
  Speaker 2: to be like when they're grown and gone, right Well,
• 22:23
  Speaker 2: I'll tell you who does, parents who are parenting with
• 22:26
  Speaker 2: future relationships and mind, which is precisely why determining your
• 22:30
  Speaker 2: it early is so important.
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: Yep.
• 22:34
  Speaker 3: So that kind of calls the question what is your it?
• 22:37
  Speaker 3: When it comes to parenting? You want to get it right,
• 22:40
  Speaker 3: So it may be time to spend some time thinking
• 22:42
  Speaker 3: about and defining and figuring out what your it is.
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: Your vision, your win. Now.
• 22:48
  Speaker 2: Sometimes when we talk about this, I either can see
• 22:51
  Speaker 2: it in people's eyes or we even get the feedback. Hey,
• 22:53
  Speaker 2: this sounds a little bit like a recipe for codependency.
• 22:56
  Speaker 2: You know, we're all just going to be together and
• 22:58
  Speaker 2: want to be together, and I get that this is not,
• 23:01
  Speaker 2: in fact, that's covered under no longer haf to be. Besides,
• 23:05
  Speaker 2: you may have noticed that codependent people don't really enjoy
• 23:08
  Speaker 2: each other. They just can't survive without each other. And
• 23:11
  Speaker 2: that's not it big difference. Independence is an essential ingredient
• 23:16
  Speaker 2: for mutually satisfying relationships.
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 23:19
  Speaker 2: Children who don't fully individuate are robbed of the opportunity
• 23:22
  Speaker 2: to choose an adult relationship with their parents. So this
• 23:25
  Speaker 2: is not about creating codependency. If you parent with the
• 23:28
  Speaker 2: relationship in mind, you will actually parent your children right
• 23:32
  Speaker 2: out of the house and off the payroll. You'll parent
• 23:34
  Speaker 2: them toward healthy independence.
• 23:37
  Speaker 3: Yes, and the other thing you may be thinking is
• 23:40
  Speaker 3: isn't this all a little bit self serving? Your selfish, right, right?
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: And the answer is yes, it is.
• 23:46
  Speaker 3: It is, but everybody benefits. If you think back to
• 23:49
  Speaker 3: what Andy observed in my family, it really wasn't just
• 23:52
  Speaker 3: about my parents, It was about all of us. We
• 23:54
  Speaker 3: were all enjoying each other. Everybody wins, everybody is served
• 23:58
  Speaker 3: because parenting with the real relationship in mind leads to
• 24:01
  Speaker 3: better relationships. Parenting with the relationship in mind equips our
• 24:05
  Speaker 3: kids to be good at relationships, all relationships, marriages, their
• 24:11
  Speaker 3: future friendships, their relationships with their bosses, their employees. Everybody
• 24:15
  Speaker 3: is just good. It just works in their favor in
• 24:18
  Speaker 3: all relationships.
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: If you think about it, you've never met a woman
• 24:20
  Speaker 2: whose problems stem from a healthy relationship with her father, right,
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: And I doubt you've ever encountered any adult plagued by
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: insecurity who maintained a healthy relationship with his parents. The
• 24:31
  Speaker 2: truth is, self confidence, emotional health, and the ability to
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: maintain healthy long term relationships are just a few of
• 24:38
  Speaker 2: the byproducts associated with healthy parent child relationships.
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: And you've seen examples of that.
• 24:44
  Speaker 2: In fact, you may be an adult who is kind
• 24:47
  Speaker 2: of digging out of a hole because of what you
• 24:49
  Speaker 2: didn't experience with one or both of your parents.
• 24:53
  Speaker 3: Right, that is right. The confidence and emotional well being
• 24:56
  Speaker 3: associated with intact family relationships really equips kids with emotional margin,
• 25:01
  Speaker 3: which in turn sets them up for relational success in
• 25:04
  Speaker 3: every arena of life.
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: That's exactly right.
• 25:07
  Speaker 2: In fact, I would say that the two most empowering
• 25:10
  Speaker 2: gifts you can give your children are gifts to you
• 25:13
  Speaker 2: as well. Number one a healthy marriage and number two,
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: a healthy relationship with you. So yes, parenting with a
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: relationship in mind is self serving, but it serves your
• 25:23
  Speaker 2: children as well.
• 25:24
  Speaker 3: Yeap, And this is so important. A healthy parent child
• 25:28
  Speaker 3: relationship is the best predictor of a child's potential for
• 25:32
  Speaker 3: relational success outside of your family.
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and you are gonna want your that's a big,
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: big deal.
• 25:37
  Speaker 2: Yeah, Because you're gonna want your children to have successful
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: relationships outside their immediate family. Eventually, they'll have a family
• 25:43
  Speaker 2: of their own eventually, And this may be hard for
• 25:46
  Speaker 2: you to imagine, depending on how old your children are.
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: And this is something we've just begun to experience.
• 25:50
  Speaker 2: One day, your children will be parents, And watching our
• 25:55
  Speaker 2: daughter as a parent is just one of the most
• 25:58
  Speaker 2: fascinating and encouraging things imaginable that I just wasn't even
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: ready for, because I'm not sure you can be ready
• 26:06
  Speaker 2: for it. So if you are a frequent listener to
• 26:09
  Speaker 2: this podcast, you know how passionate I am about getting
• 26:12
  Speaker 2: it right in the realm of organizational leadership. But I
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: want you to get it right at home as well.
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: In fact, I want you to get it right at
• 26:19
  Speaker 2: home more than anywhere else.
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: After all, your greatest contribution to the world. This is
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: so important for you to think about.
• 26:26
  Speaker 2: Your greatest contribution to the world may not be something
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: you do. Your greatest contribution may be someone you raise.
• 26:35
  Speaker 2: Your most important vision cast won't take place in a boardroom.
• 26:39
  Speaker 2: Your most important vision cast will take place in your
• 26:42
  Speaker 2: child's bedroom as you tuck them in at night.
• 26:44
  Speaker 3: Yeah that's right. Eventually somebody will do what you are
• 26:48
  Speaker 3: currently doing at work. Your only unique role is dad
• 26:53
  Speaker 3: or mom. So with everything else you're trying to get right,
• 26:57
  Speaker 3: make sure you get this right. A big deal.
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: Yep.
• 27:02
  Speaker 2: Well, that's all the time we have for today. Sandra,
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: thank you so.
• 27:05
  Speaker 3: Much for being here, thanks for having me.
• 27:07
  Speaker 2: And to all of our listeners, we want to thank
• 27:09
  Speaker 2: you for joining us. And be sure you check out
• 27:11
  Speaker 2: our new book, Parenting Getting It Right wherever books are sold,
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: and as an exclusive for our podcast listeners. In today's
• 27:18
  Speaker 2: show notes, you'll find access to the first episode of our.
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: Video study on parenting Getting It Right.
• 27:24
  Speaker 2: As always, visit the Andy Stanley dot com website where
• 27:27
  Speaker 2: you can download the Leadership Podcast Application guide that includes
• 27:30
  Speaker 2: a summary of our discussion and questions for reflection.
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: Or group discussion.
• 27:35
  Speaker 2: And of course, be sure to join us next time
• 27:37
  Speaker 2: on the Andy Stanley Leadership Podcast