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Complaint Diet · The No Cry Zone

• 0:46
  SPEAKER_04: Welcome to the No Cry Zone for a sharper take on life.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_04: I'm Jim Best.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_04: Today's featured song is The Creek Palace Condos by Brazen Candor, of course.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_04: It's a song with a long story, and I promise I'll share it with you at some point in time.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_04: Meanwhile, we are going to talk about complaining.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_04: Before you turn this off, I'm not going to tell you to stop complaining.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_04: That would be a pretty ambitious request.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_04: Some people would immediately complain about it, wouldn't they?
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_04: What do you mean I can't complain?
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_04: Have you seen what I'm dealing with?
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_04: Yes, that's where we're going to start.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_04: You may have something worth complaining about.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_04: The question is whether complaining is helping you deal with it or helping you stay occupied by it.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_04: By the end of our two sessions today, I'm going to suggest a complaint diet.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_04: One complaint a day.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_04: Choose it, examine it, and decide what to do about it.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_04: Other complaints can wait until tomorrow.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_04: You might discover that tomorrow doesn't want all of them either.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_04: First, let's give complaining some credit.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_04: Let's give complaining its due.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_04: There are good things about it.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_04: A complaint can identify a problem.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_04: If your hotel room has no hot water, somebody needs to know.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_04: Quietly admiring the wallpaper isn't going to get the shower fixed.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_04: A complaint can identify an area of discontent.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_04: Maybe you keep complaining about your work schedule.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_04: That could be telling you something about the way you want to live going forward.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_04: It can alert others to something they missed.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_04: It can establish that an agreement wasn't honored.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_04: Complaining can help you request assistance, obtain a correction, or draw attention to a problem affecting more people than just you.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_04: Sometimes saying what's bothering you helps you sort through it.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_04: A good listener might help you see a choice that you hadn't considered yet.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_04: And your complaints can reveal your values.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_04: If you're bothered by somebody repeatedly breaking a promise, reliability probably matters a lot to you.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_04: So there's useful information in many complaints.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_04: I'm willing to grant that.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_04: But how long does it take to collect that information?
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_04: If we established at nine in the morning that the situation was disappointing, what are we accomplishing by reestablishing it at 11 o'clock, then 2 o'clock, and at dinner?
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_04: Is new information arriving?
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_04: Is someone working on a remedy?
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_04: Or are we just keeping the disappointment warm?
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_04: Think about traffic.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_04: You're in it.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_04: There it is.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_04: Cars ahead, cars behind.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_04: Everybody apparently had the same idea about using the road, much as we hear in Grazen Candor's song Highways and Byways.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_04: If there's a better route, take it.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_04: If you can leave earlier next time, consider that.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_04: If somebody needs to know you'll be late, then tell them.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_04: Those are useful responses.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_04: But after you've done these things, what does complaining accomplish?
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_04: The roads are ridiculous.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_04: Nobody knows how to drive.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_04: The city is impossible.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_04: Meanwhile, you're still in traffic.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_04: Now your passenger is in traffic and attending your presentation about traffic.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_04: They didn't sign up for the presentation.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_04: They just needed a ride.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_04: Any other drivers, any other cars next to you, behind you, in front of you?
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_04: You're not their driver's education instructor.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_04: You're not their mom or their dad.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_04: You didn't issue their license.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_04: You don't have any control over how they drive, or you don't have any influence over how they drive.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_04: You can respond safely, give them space, let them pass, report a serious danger when appropriate, report drunk drivers.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_04: But you don't have to spend the next 15 minutes explain how someone who already disappeared from view has failed you personally because of their driving decisions.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_04: They've gone on with their day.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_04: You're still fretting about them.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_04: Then let's talk about the weather.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_04: No, better, let's complain about the weather.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_04: It's too hot, it's too cold, it's too windy, too much rain, not enough rain, drought conditions.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_04: We can make weather a complaint almost anytime, anywhere, any day.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_04: We're versatile that way.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_04: It's never exactly the way we want it.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_04: Change your clothes, change your plans, find some shade, bring a jacket.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_04: But the weather is not awaiting your evaluation before deciding what to do next.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_04: Your input is rather ineffective.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_04: High prices are another favorite.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_04: You can compare prices, buy something else, negotiate when there's room, decide the purchase isn't worth it.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_04: But if you've already bought the sandwich, you can spend lunch enjoying it or delivering a speech about its price.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_04: The sandwich costs the same either way, and you've already paid for it.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_04: Now let's take a more personal example.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_04: Let's talk about your physical condition.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_04: If you're dissatisfied with your strength or stamina and you haven't been taking care of yourself in ways available to you, you have something to consider before preparing your complaint.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_04: What are you willing to begin doing?
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_04: People have different limitations.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_04: We understand that.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_04: But within your own circumstances, are you doing what you reasonably can?
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_04: If you need help, ask for it.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_04: If you need guidance, seek it.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_04: If you know a useful first step, take it.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_04: I wish I were in better shape, can identify a desire.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_04: Saying it every day while avoiding every available step turns the desire into a familiar conversation.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_04: And I don't think many people want to hear it.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_04: Familiarity can feel like you've addressed something you haven't actually addressed.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_04: Now, what does all this complaining cost you?
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_04: Time for starters.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_04: Minutes accumulate, so do repeated conversations.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_04: It cost your attention while you're reviewing everything that annoyed you today.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_04: What are you overlooking that could help you?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_04: It can turn a passing irritation into a theme of your afternoon.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_04: The inconvenience lasted 10 minutes.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_04: Your account of it has had three performances and an encore.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_04: It can generate resentment.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_04: You keep rehearsing what somebody did, and the story becomes more aggravating with each telling.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_04: It can replace effective action.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_04: We feel busy with the problem because we're discussing it.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_04: But the call hasn't been made, the request hasn't been submitted, the decision hasn't been reached.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_04: We didn't take a step onto the elliptical machine.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_04: It can discourage helpfulness.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_04: Listen to the language.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_04: Nothing works.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_04: Nobody cares.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_04: It's always like this.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_04: These people are fools.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_04: Those are enormous conclusions to draw from a disappointing Tuesday.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_04: It can crowd out appreciation.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_04: It can eliminate gratitude.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_04: Good things may be happening around you, but they don't get any attention.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_04: They don't get any airtime.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_04: Your complaint department has taken over the station.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_04: It can also distort proportion, a late delivery, a rude remark.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_04: A genuinely serious loss shouldn't all receive the same level of outrage.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_04: And it can cost you credibility.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_04: If everything is terrible, people have trouble knowing when you're telling them something truly deserves attention.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_04: And there's also the effect on other people.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_04: Nobody likes to spend a lot of time with somebody who's continually complaining.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_04: People may care about you and still be tired of hearing you complain.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_04: Those two things can both be true.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_04: Your friend may want to help, your spouse may understand, your coworker may agree that the situation is frustrating, but agreement is not a lifetime subscription to your version of the story.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_04: At some point they may be wondering, are we looking for a solution?
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_04: Am I supposed to do something?
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_04: Or do I just not until we reach the end of this diatribe?
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_04: Sometimes we recruit an audience when what we need is a decision, and sometimes we recruit agreement when what we need is an honest question, such as, have you talked to the person?
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_04: Have you tried another approach?
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_04: Is there something you're willing to change?
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_04: Those questions might irritate us, but it's worth examining why.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_04: Did we want help or did we want somebody to certify our displeasure?
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_04: Are we looking for sympathy?
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_04: I'm not saying every conversation needs an immediate solution.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_04: Yes, there is a lot of value in just talking about something.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_04: Sometimes you need a few minutes to say that was difficult.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_04: That was challenging.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_04: Fair enough.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_04: But a few minutes can become a routine if we don't watch it.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_04: The routine can become your preferred way of relating to people.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_04: They ask how you are, and you open up the grievance file, one thing after another.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_04: Now, I initially wanted to list the positives and negatives and see which list was longer.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_04: We certainly have plenty of negatives, but a complaint that gets a dangerous problem corrected could be worth a great deal.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_04: We don't settle this just by counting bullet points.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_04: We settle it by asking what our complaining is doing.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_04: That's right.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_04: Is our complaining productive?
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_04: Did it identify something important?
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_04: Did it get the information to someone who could respond?
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_04: Did it help us reach a useful decision?
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_04: Or is it continuing to charge us time and attention after its useful work is finished?
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_04: That's the part we can reduce.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_04: You have a direction to pursue.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_04: You have things to care about.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_04: Your attention is needed there.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_04: For now, notice your complaints.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_04: Don't defend them yet.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_04: Just notice them, become aware of them.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_04: Which complaints inform you?
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_04: Which complaints lead somewhere?
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_04: Which ones are simply familiar sentences you've been repeating?
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_04: In part two, we'll look at the complaints we insist are complaints, where we trick ourselves by saying, I'm just being realistic, I'm only making an observation, somebody has to say it.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_04: Then we'll begin your complaint diet.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_04: One complaint a day.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_04: And it has to earn the spot.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_04: It's got to be worth your time and attention.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_04: I'm Jim Best.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_04: This is the No Cry Zone.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_04: Stick around for part two.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_04: And I'm excited about it.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_04: Here's why.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_04: I guarantee you your life will improve if you stick to this diet.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_04: One complaint a day.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_04: Now I'm going to give you all the reasons and all the methods of going to this diet and why it's not intuitive to a lot of people.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_04: That's why we're working on it today.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_04: But I guarantee you, one complaint a day is going to be a powerful series of steps forward for you.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_04: Let's recap.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_04: In part one, we gave complaining credit for its useful work.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_04: It can identify problems, reveal discontent, and help us seek a correction.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_04: We also looked at its cost, didn't we?
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_04: Time, attention, resentment, repeated frustration, and a burden we place on people who have heard the story enough times to deliver it themselves.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_04: So we're putting complaining on a diet, but actually it's us that are going on a diet.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_04: One complaint a day.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_04: Such as, I'm not complaining, I'm just being realistic.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_04: Well, that's possible.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_04: Reality deserves our attention, but being realistic includes recognizing what you can do next.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_04: And I'm going to tell you something.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_04: I know a lot of people who say I'm just being realistic.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_04: And I have never met anybody that says, I'm just being unrealistic.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_04: I'm completely out of touch with reality and I'm living in my fantasy world.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_04: Okay?
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_04: So when you say you're being realistic, it might not imply exactly what you hope it means.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_04: If your account of reality always ends with, and that's why nothing can be done, are you examining the situation fully and objectively?
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_04: Or some people say, I'm not complaining, I'm just pointing out a problem.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, okay, good.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_04: Who needs to know the problem?
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_04: Who's responsible for the problem?
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_04: Who's responsible for the solution?
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_04: What specifically is the problem?
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_04: What response are you seeking or suggesting or willing to put into play?
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_04: If you pointed it out six times to people who can't do anything about it, then you're not being realistic.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_04: You may have just moved beyond pointing.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_04: I'm not complaining, I'm just playing devil's advocate.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_04: I hear this one a lot.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_04: That can be useful when we're testing an idea, but does every suggestion require your immediate objection?
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_04: Does the devil know you're putting in all these hours on his behalf?
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_04: Is there a benefits package?
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, or I've heard people say, I'm not complaining, I'm just asking questions.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_04: Okay.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_04: Questions can help us understand.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_04: But why is everybody so incompetent?
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_04: Isn't really a question?
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_04: That's not a request for information.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_04: It's a complaint with a question mark, isn't it?
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_04: I'm not complaining, I'm just holding people accountable.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_04: First of all, we are way better at trying to hold other people accountable than we are at holding ourselves accountable.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_04: So keep that in mind.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_04: Then talk to the appropriate person.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_04: Describe the agreement, the failure, and the correction you're seeking.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_04: Telling three unrelated people, peripheral people, collateral people, that somebody is useless doesn't necessarily hold the person accountable.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_04: It gives three people an unpleasant conversation instead of having a nice time with them.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_04: I'm not complaining.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_04: I just have high standards.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_04: Okay.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_04: Why don't you explain them?
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_04: Apply them to yourself.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_04: Make choices that support those high standards.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_04: And a lot of times we can make our high standards obvious by the way we conduct ourselves.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_04: If you have to tell somebody all the time what your high standards are, maybe you're not living up to them to the degree that you believe you are.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_04: High standards don't require constant commentary about everybody who fails to meet them.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_04: And a familiar one.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_04: I'm not complaining, I'm just venting.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_04: How long is this vent supposed to remain open?
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_04: At some point, everybody in the room would appreciate a little fresh air.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_04: All of these explanations at some point in time might be legitimate.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_04: The words alone don't prove you're complaining, but look at the behavior.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_04: Supplying new information, seeking help, testing a risk, requesting a remedy?
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_04: Or are you just being okay, I'm gonna say it somewhat immature?
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_04: Are you repeating your displeasure and inviting someone to join you on the little complaint boat?
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_04: I'm not making fun.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_04: I've done the same thing.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_04: But we don't have to win an argument over what to call it.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_04: You have to decide whether continuing it is useful.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_04: And that brings us to the marvelous complaint diet.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_04: For the next seven days, give yourself one complaint a day.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_04: Think about that.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_04: That gives you seven complaints in a week.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_04: That's plenty.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_04: One a day.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_04: Here's the other thing.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_04: I'm gonna give you a preview.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_04: Once you do this, you will want to continue it more than seven days.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_04: I'm just saying that's what I see happen.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_04: One complaint, not one at breakfast, that then another one in the car, then another one at lunch, then another one about a co-worker, then another one about the long day at work.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_04: One complaint a day.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_04: And no, everything is not one complaint.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_04: That's an attempt to order the entire menu as a side dish.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_04: Saying I'm upset about everything is cheating.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_04: You don't want to cheat.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_04: You also don't have to manufacture a complaint.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_04: If you have a day without one complaint worth noting, that's great.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_04: Enjoy it.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_04: You could really, I guess, have two the next day if you want to.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_04: There's no minimum daily requirement of displeasure.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_04: You don't have to find something to moan about.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_04: Now, here's how it works.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_04: First, choose your complaint.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_04: You might want to pass some by.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_04: Maybe something happens in the morning that kind of irritates you, but you decide, well, it's not big enough to complain.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_04: I'm gonna I'm gonna weigh my chances here.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_04: I'm gonna see if there's something else bigger to complain about.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_04: That's not a bad decision.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_04: But think, I have one complaint today.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_04: Which one deserves that cherished spot to be your complaint of the day?
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_04: Traffic?
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_04: The weather?
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_04: Someone's shirt?
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_04: The price of coffee?
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_04: An unresolved argument that's actually affecting your work?
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_04: You're going to have to compare them.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_04: That's already useful.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_04: You're determining importance instead of giving every irritation unlimited access to your brain power.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_04: You may decide the traffic doesn't qualify.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_04: After all, it delayed you ten minutes, and you had allowed at 15.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_04: So truthfully, you're five minutes of the good, nothing to complain about.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_04: No further commentary required.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_04: You may decide your complaint concerns a recurring meeting that starts late and runs over.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_04: That might deserve your attention.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_04: Once you choose what complaint you're gonna file, name it precisely.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_04: Nobody respects my time is a very large accusation.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_04: The last three meetings shared 20 started 20 minutes late is something you can discuss.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_04: Everything costs too much is a sweeping generalization.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_04: This subscription no longer seems worth what I'm paying, gives you a decision to make.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_04: Doesn't provide much direction.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_04: It's not specific enough.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_04: I keep agreeing to commitment I don't have time for gives you a behavior to examine and a problem that you can solve.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_04: Precision helps you find the part you can work with.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_04: Vague complaints are a waste of your time.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_04: Third, after you have identified and chosen your complaint of the day and specifically named it, decide whether you can do something about it.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_04: Can you correct the situation?
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_04: Can you influence?
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_04: Can you request help?
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_04: Make another choice?
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_04: Change how you respond?
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_04: You may not control the price of anything, but you can control whether you buy it or not.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_04: You may not control another person's habit, but you can decide what arrangement you're willing to continue.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_04: You may not be able to erase a past mistake.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_04: You can use what it taught you in your next decision.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_04: You don't have to complain about those things.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_04: Sometimes your influence is small.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_04: Small doesn't mean useless.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_04: Ask yourself, what can I reasonably do here?
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_04: If there's an action, take the action.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_04: Put it on your calendar if you can't do it right away.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_04: Make the call, ask the question, change the arrangement.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_04: Take ownership.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_04: If you need support, be clear about the request.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_04: Don't say nobody's willing to help.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_04: Say, could you help me think through the options?
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_04: Could you help me develop a few options?
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_04: Would you listen for a few minutes while I sort this out?
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_04: Can you correct this charge that you folks made on my last bill?
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_04: Those requests give the other person something to respond to.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_04: They don't have to guess why you've invited them into your dissatisfaction.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_04: And if there is truly nothing useful you can do, acknowledge that.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_04: I don't like this.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_04: I can't change it today.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_04: I'm going to put my attention somewhere else.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_04: You don't have to approve of the situation.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_04: You can simply stop giving it another hour or two of your precious time.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_04: Fourth, give the complaint a disposition.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_04: Meaning, what happens next?
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_04: Do you take an action?
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_04: A scheduled decision?
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_04: A request for help, or an acknowledgement that you finished discussing something you can't influence.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_04: Something should be done, leaves the complaint floating around.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_04: I'm contacting the service department tomorrow morning.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_04: Gives you a next step.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_04: They're always like that.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_04: Keeps the grievance available, but to no purpose.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_04: I'm going to explain what I need and then decide whether this arrangement works for me.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_04: Gives you direction.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_04: You may need several actions to resolve a real problem.
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_04: The diet doesn't prohibit follow-through.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_04: It limits the repetitive commentary that doesn't contribute to any type of a solution.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_04: And now, fifth, save your other complaint candidates for tomorrow.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_04: If an irritation happens, if it comes to mind, you can even make a brief note if you want.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_04: A few words.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_04: Don't burrow into your deep sorrow.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_04: You're saving a candidate, not drafting a closing argument.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_04: Tomorrow, see whether it still deserves a spot.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_04: The coffee complaint may have faded.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_04: The shirt may have become irrelevant.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_04: The recurring agreement problem may still matter.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_04: Delay gives you a chance to distinguish a passing annoyance from something worth addressing.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_04: Again, worth your time and worth your energy.
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_04: You don't get to save up unused complaints for a weekend spectacular.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_04: This is a daily practice, not a grievance reward program.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_04: We don't want to collect our grievances and put them on display.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_04: So let's try an ordinary day.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_04: Traffic on the way to work.
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_04: Somebody cuts you off.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_04: The coffee costs more than you expected.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_04: A meeting starts late.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_04: Then an email arrives asking you to redo something that was already approved.
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_04: Those are five complaint candidates.
• 28:03
  SPEAKER_04: Before lunch, the traffic is there.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_04: You use the best available route.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_04: The driver is gone.
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_04: They got on with their life.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_04: You give yourself room and continue safely.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_04: You decide whether the coffee is worth buying next time.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_04: Then the meeting and the email might deserve a closer look.
• 28:23
  SPEAKER_04: Which one is affecting you more?
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_04: What about short-term and long-term annoyance?
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_04: And where can a useful conversation improve?
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_04: What happens next?
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_04: You choose the repeated revisions.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_04: My complaint today is that we keep changing approved work without clarifying what changed.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_04: You ask for a conversation about how approvals and revisions should work.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_04: You've identified the problem and taken a step.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_04: There may be more to do, but you don't need to spend the evening retelling all five irritations to everybody at home.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_04: They get to meet you after work rather than the entire cast of people who annoyed you.
• 29:09
  SPEAKER_04: One boundary matters.
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_04: This is a practice for everyday complaining.
• 29:16
  SPEAKER_04: Report urgent problems, speak up about mistreatment, seek help when you need it.
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_04: We're not telling you to grin and bear it.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_04: Don't postpone a necessary response because you've used your daily allowance.
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_04: We're just suggesting that you be much more selective about what you give your time and attention to complaining about.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_04: The question is whether your words are serving a purpose.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_04: And listen to your own internal commentary too.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_04: You can spend an afternoon complaining without saying a word aloud.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_04: When you catch the same grievance beginning again, remind yourself, I've already identified this.
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_04: I decided what to do.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_04: Now, where does my attention belong?
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_04: This connects directly to your personal momentum engine.
• 30:10
  SPEAKER_04: Your mindset includes the belief you can create your own momentum.
• 30:14
  SPEAKER_04: Your focus identifies what deserves attention.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_04: Effective action gives you something useful to do.
• 30:21
  SPEAKER_04: Practicing that response builds a supportive habit.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_04: And a net positive lifestyle includes considering what you bring into the room.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_04: Do people leave a conversation with you clearer, better supported, or ready to act?
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_04: What are you contributing?
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_04: And I will tell you, and you know this very well, it is really hard to have a positive impact on others when we are complaining.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_04: So I'm saying, please, suggesting, yes, for the next seven days, try this.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_04: In fact, do this.
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_04: It's a complaint diet.
• 31:03
  SPEAKER_04: One complaint a day.
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_04: Choose it carefully, name it accurately, decide what you can do, give it a next step and or let it go.
• 31:13
  SPEAKER_04: Save the other candidates for tomorrow.
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_04: If there really something to complain about, they're gonna be there tomorrow.
• 31:21
  SPEAKER_04: At the end of the week, ask yourself which complaints led to something useful, which ones disappeared while waiting their turn.
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_04: What did I do with the time and attention I recovered?
• 31:33
  SPEAKER_04: You may still have plenty to deal with, but you'll have more of yourself available to deal with it.
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_04: And I will say the other thing, as I have done this personally more often, it's it's a discipline, it is not intuitive, it is not easy, but we can become better at it, and it also, first of all, allows us to be much more appreciative, it allows us to be showing others gratitude, it allows us to be much more of a net positive.
• 32:13
  SPEAKER_04: So please do it.
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_04: Let me know how you're doing and let us know how we're doing.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_04: Contact me at media at upwardsbest dot com.
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_04: I'm Jim Best.
• 32:27
  SPEAKER_04: This is the No Cry Zone for a sharper take on life.
• 32:31
  SPEAKER_04: Remember, aspire one complaint per day.
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_04: Join me daily at upwardsbest.com and come upwards with us.
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_04: Grab a great week on your way out of the no cry zone.
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_04: In fact, take two of them, they go very quickly.
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_04: Here's Brazen Candor with the Creek Palace Condo.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_03: I lived for a while at the Creek Palace Condos.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_03: There wasn't that much there to do.
• 33:10
  SPEAKER_03: Except at happy hour things got a little lively, and I didn't mean the neighborhood too.
• 33:17
  SPEAKER_02: Now I'm my way out of security, I guess, that's a way to do that.