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David Brainerd: Preparation for Preaching | Jonathan Edwards · Reformed Thinking

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Welcome to Reformed Thinking and welcome to this deep dive.
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I'm really glad you could join us today.
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We're going to be looking into, well, a pretty remarkable few
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months in David Brainer's life. Yeah, it's quite a period.
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To kick things off, just try and picture this scene he describes
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in his diary. He talks about being in such
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intense prayer that he was, and this is his phrase, quite wet
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with perspiration, though in the shade and the cool wind.
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That really grabs you, doesn't it?
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It does. It instantly gives you a feel
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for the the raw emotion and the spiritual focus that really
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marked this time for him. Absolutely.
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That level of physical exertion and prayer it it says a lot.
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So our goal with this deep dive is to, you know, carefully look
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some key excerpts from the life and diary of David Brainerd, the
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one edited by Jonathan Edwards. Right.
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Edward saw something truly special in Brainerd's
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experiences. Exactly.
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And the idea here is for you, the listener, to quickly get a
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handle on Brainerd's spiritual life during this time, how he
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was getting ready for ministry, and what really shaped him in
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those critical months just before he got his license to
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preach. Think of it as a way to get
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quickly acquainted with the core of his thinking and, well, his
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inner life during this formative stage.
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Considering your shortcut, if you like to being well informed
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about this, well, really quite remarkable figure.
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And the period we're zeroing in on is right after he left Yale
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College. So we're talking April through
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July of 1742. Right, a time when he was laser
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focused on preparing himself for gospel work.
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And what makes these specific diary entries so, so compelling
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is just how honest they are. It's almost like a minute by
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minute feed of his internal spiritual battles.
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And you know those moments of breakthrough.
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Gives you a real window, doesn't.
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It it really does a window into how he understood grace, sin,
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God, sovereignty, these big reformed concepts, but played
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out in the day-to-day reality of this young guy feeling called to
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preach. OK, so let's let's dive in.
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Let's start looking at Brainerd Spiritual Walk right as he began
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the third book of his diary. This is April 1742.
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He was staying with Reverend Mr. Mills in Ripton, studying
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divinity. Yeah, and he wasn't just staying
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put, he was also visiting other ministers in the area, people
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like Mr. Cook in Stratford, Mr. Graham in Southbury, Mr. Bellamy
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in Bethlehem. Soaking it all in, presumably.
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Right, networking, learning. But what's interesting is what
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you mentioned earlier, his own assessment right at the start.
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Exactly as he starts this new record, he immediately flags up
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this feeling of spiritual decline.
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He talks about losing life and warmth in divine things.
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Though no pretending things are great.
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Not at all. This immediate confession of,
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you know what he saw as spiritual coldness.
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It sets the stage for everything that follows.
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Like on April first, he writes about lacking free access to God
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in prayer. It's quite specific.
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It is, and he expresses this longing to be humbled deeply in
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the dust before God. It's an immediate sign of how he
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saw Himself before his Creator. And he goes even further,
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doesn't he? Oh yeah, he flat out says I
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deserve hell every day for not loving my Lord more.
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And any kind of spiritual renewal he experiences he
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attributes only to God's special assistance.
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So 0 room for self congratulations.
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None. He questions any kind of
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boasting, recognizing his total reliance on God for the being
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and every act of grace. He puts it so starkly, Oh if
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ever I get to heaven it will be because God will and nothing
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else, for I never did anything of myself but get away from God.
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Wow, that's a blunt. It is, and he even looks ahead
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to heaven, anticipating being astonished at the unsearchable
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riches of divine grace. This first entry really lays
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down his foundational belief. Salvation, any spiritual good,
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it all comes from God's free, unearned favor.
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It's pure grace. That really sets a tone.
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OK, so given the strong sense of dependence, of unworthiness
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even, how does that play out in his, like his ambitions or his
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view of God's leading at this point?
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Does he focus inward or outward? Well, that's a really good
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question. It makes you think about how our
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view of our own spiritual condition can actually steer our
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desires right On April 2nd, the very next day, he describes
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feeling much resigned, calm and serene in secret prayer.
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So a shift already. A shift.
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Yeah, he uses this beautiful image.
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What are all the storms of this lower world?
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If Jesus by his Spirit does but come walking on the seas, it
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captures the sense of inner peace he could find regardless
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of outer turmoil. Despite feeling unworthy just
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the day before. Exactly.
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And what's really interesting here is how his desire seemed to
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be fluctuating. He mentions he'd previously
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found much pleasure in the prospect of the heathen being
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brought home to Christ and wanted to be involved in that
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work. Like the missionary impulse.
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Yeah, but now he says his soul more frequently desires to die
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to be with Christ. He wants his soul wrapped up in
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divine love for his desires for God to just grow and grow.
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So a longing for heaven over service.
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It seems like it at that moment, but then later that same evening
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he finds refreshment in prayer again and his hopes turn back
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towards the advancement of Christ's Kingdom in the world.
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OK, so it's not either, it's attention.
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It's attention, definitely this early back and forth between
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wanting to depart and be with Christ and wanting to stay and
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serve. It's right there from the
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beginning. And then physical health comes
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into play too, doesn't it? It does.
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On April 3rd, he records feeling very much amiss, had a bad
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night, and this physical weakness leads him to think his
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soul would exceedingly rejoice if God just took him home right
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then. Makes sense.
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Suffering can make you long for release.
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For sure, but even then his desires frame spiritually.
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He wants to be always humble and resigned to God for his soul to
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be more fixed on himself, meaning God, so he could be more
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fitted both for doing and suffering.
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So even in weakness, the focus is on being useful to God's
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purposes. Precisely whatever the personal
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cost. Then April 4th, it's a Lord's
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Day and he describes his heart as wandering and lifeless, which
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as you said, seems to have been a fairly common feeling for him.
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The. Ups and downs.
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Right. But in the evening God meets
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him. He gets faith in prayer.
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His soul melts in some measure. He tastes divine sweetness.
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So relief comes. Relief comes, and then this
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longing bursts out. To climb up near to him, and
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love, and long and plead and wrestle and stretch after him,
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and for deliverance from the body of sin and death.
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That body of sin and death phrase?
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That's biblical, right? From Romans.
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Yeah, Romans 7, Paul's description of the ongoing
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struggle against our own sinful nature.
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Brainerd clearly felt that burden very, very heavily.
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You. Can tell he mourns just the idea
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of losing sight of his beloved again.
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There's a real passion there A. Very passionate, almost you
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could say visceral pursuit of God.
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OK, so we've seen these initial days, this mix of highs and
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lows, sweetness and struggle. But then you mentioned he notes
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a sharp turn Into Darkness. Yeah, it seems quite abrupt.
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After those moments of comfort on the evening of April 5th, he
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describes himself quite starkly as void of all relish of divine
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things. All relish gone just like that.
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Just like that he feels much of the prevalence of corruption,
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sees in himself a disposition to all manner of sin, and this
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plunges him into a very great gloom, casts him into the depths
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of melancholy. Melancholy.
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Yeah, a common term back then for depression, often with
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spiritual overtones. Right.
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And it fills him with horror, leaves him with no comfort in
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heaven or earth, a total contrast to the sweetness he'd
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have felt just a day or so before.
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That's a huge swing. What happens next?
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Does he stay there? Well, on April 6th he's in a
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similar state initially Finds a bit of relief reading over his
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own diary entries, interestingly enough.
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Seeing God's past faithfulness, maybe?
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Perhaps, but then he feels suddenly struck with a damp from
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the sense I had on my own vileness back down again.
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He cried to God to cleanse me from my exceeding filthiness, to
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give me repentance and pardon. So turning to God even in the
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depths. Yes, and then something shifts
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again. He finds it sweet to pray and
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incredibly, he feels he could think of undergoing the greatest
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sufferings in the cause of Christ with pleasure.
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Wow, from horror to willingness to suffer just like that.
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It seems so. He even expresses willingness,
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if God directs it, to suffer banishment from my native land
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among the heathen, that I might do something for their self
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salvation in distresses and deaths of any kind.
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That's intense to embrace suffering for the gospel even
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while feeling vile. It really speaks to his
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devotion, doesn't it? And that same day God enables
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him to wrestled earnestly for others, for the Kingdom of
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Christ in the world, and for dear Christian friends.
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So this power of intercession kicks in again.
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Yeah, this deep spiritual energy to pray for others.
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He feels weaned from the world and from my own reputation
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amongst men willing to be despised and to be a gazing
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stock for the world to behold. Letting go of worldly status.
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Completely. He struggles to even describe
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how he felt. Not much joy, he says, but some
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sense of the majesty of God, which made me, as it were,
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tremble. Seeing himself as mean and vile
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actually made him more willing for God to do whatever he wanted
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with him. Fascinating, feeling vile,
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leading to greater surrender. His description of trembling
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even in prayer, it really does paint a picture of his spiritual
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walk. Shows that deep awareness of his
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own condition. It really does.
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It highlights this constant back and forth, you know, intense
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spiritual connection on one hand and this profound sense of his
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own unworthiness on the other. It's always there.
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So the wrestling continues. Oh yeah, April 7th.
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The intensity fades a bit. He keeps praying but feels dull
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in the evening. His spiritual state is almost
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never static. Always fluctuating.
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Seems like it. Then on April 8th, his hopes for
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the conversion of the Native Americans get raised again.
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He writes. Oh, that God would bring in
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great numbers of them to Jesus Christ.
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I cannot but hope I shall see that glorious day.
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Back to that outward focus. Yes, but still paired with this
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inner self-assessment, everything in this world
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exceeding vile and little to me. I look so on myself.
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He gets some little dawn of comfort and prayer, especially
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at night, some faith and power of intercession for his own
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growth and for other believers. So praying for himself and
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others. Right, and he concludes it is
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good to wrestle for divine blessings.
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It shows that dual focus again personal holiness and concern
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for others, particularly the unreached.
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And this sense of his own sinfulness, it doesn't let up,
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does it? Not really.
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April 9th and 10th. His morning prayers lack
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sensible sweetness, though he keeps this delightful prospect
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of heaven in view. But that thought makes him feel
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more amazed than ever. For I see myself infinitely vile
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and unworthy. The contrast is stark for him.
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Very he feels heartless and dull, longs for God's presence,
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but isn't feeling that divine and heavenly sweetness.
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He sees himself as the one most needing God's grace and yet most
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likely to abuse it. That's a harsh self judgement.
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It is. He spends much time in secret
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prayer on the 10th, gets some comfort, but still feels so low,
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so little sense of God's presence, that he hardly knows
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what to call faith. Questioning his own faith.
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Yeah, and he feels the weight of the sins of my youth and the
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dreadful sin of my nature. I am all sin.
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I cannot think nor act, but every emotion is sin.
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That sounds like, well, like the doctrine of total depravity
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lived. Out I think that's exactly
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right, that reformed understanding that sin effects
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every part of us, even our best intentions.
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He feels it acutely yet. Even in that state, there's a
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glimmer as hope about ministry. There is, amazingly, on that
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same day, April 10th, despite feeling all sin, he says his
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hopes of being employed in the cause of God, which of late have
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been almost extinct, seem now a little revived.
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How does he square that feeling totally sinful yet hoping to
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serve? He frames it through God's
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purpose in the struggle he hopes his late distresses and awful
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apprehensions might prove. But Christ's school to make me
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fit for greater service by teaching me the great lesson of
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humility. OK, the trials aren't just
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random suffering, they're training.
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Exactly. He connects his hardships
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directly to his preparation for ministry.
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God is using the darkness to teach him humility, which he
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needs for the ministry. That phrase, Christ's school for
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humility, That really changes how you might look at
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difficulties in your own life, doesn't it?
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A different perspective. It absolutely reframes things.
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It suggests purpose behind the pain.
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So moving on April 11th. He feels little spiritual
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vitality but has gratitude for God's grace and some sweetness.
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Thinking about heaven, still looking for?
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Always. Then after public worship, God
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gives him special assistance and prayer.
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He wrestled with my dear Lord with much sweetness and
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intercession was made a delightful employment to me.
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He finds joy thinking about the resurrection morning.
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So moments. Of real delight.
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Breakthrough they do. And April 12th seems like a
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significant moment of encouragement.
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The Lord was pleased to lift up the light of His countenance
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upon me in secret prayer, making the time very precious light of
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His. Countenance that sounds like
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feeling God's favor. His smile almost precisely.
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He gets much encouragement respecting future serviceable
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Ness in the cause of God. He's specially assisted to
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intercede and plead for poor souls for the growth of Christ's
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Kingdom and for grace for himself to fit him for special
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services so renewed. Sense of calling and purpose?
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Yes, and. Accompanied by peace, he feels
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exceedingly calm and quite resigned to God, respecting my
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future employment when and where he pleased.
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His faith lifts him above the world.
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He doesn't need human approval because Christ's favor was
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infinitely better. Wow.
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That's a high point, it really seems.
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To be He sees infinite wisdom in all the dispensations of God
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towards me, a moment of profound acceptance and trust, but the
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self. Awareness doesn't vanish, no.
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Never April 13th. He still sees himself as very
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mean and vile, wondering why people show him respect.
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Yet he finds comfort in wrestling with God, knowing God
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always sends me needed supplies and raises him up when he feels
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like 1 dead constant. Dependence always.
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Then April 14th and 15th, he's longing for communion with
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Christ and for the mortification of indwelling corruption,
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especially pride mortification. That's about putting sin to
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death, right? Yeah, the ongoing fight.
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Exactly. That spiritual battle to kill
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sinful desires. He looks forward to the sweet
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day coming where in the weary will be at rest.
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His desires are centered in God, wanting inward purity and
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holiness 10,000 times more than for anything here below a clear.
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Desire for sanctification, for becoming more like Christ, Very.
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Clear and from April 16th to 18th.
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He often finds sensible joy in prayer, sometimes longs much to
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be dissolved and to be with Christ.
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He wants to grow in grace every day, but worries about his
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barrenness, feeling like an unfruitful tree.
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God might cut down that tension. Again, between longing for
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heaven and wanting to be fruitful here, right?
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On Sunday the 18th, he prays in the woods, gets assistance of
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God's Spirit, pleads fervently for God's Kingdom, and
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intercedes for friends. He feels infinitely indebted to
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God, sees his failings, feels he's done, as it were, nothing
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for God. It's quite.
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Something how his intense desire for personal holiness and his
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passion for God's Kingdom work are just so tightly woven
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together in these entries. And then April 19th, you
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mentioned a particularly intense practice.
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Yes, this. Day really stands out.
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He specifically set it apart for fasting and prayer.
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It shows the depth of his devotion and his focus on
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preparing for ministry. Why?
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Fasting and prayer specifically for that he wanted to.
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Seek divine aid and direction for the great work of preaching
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the Gospel. He needed clarity and
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empowerment. Makes sense?
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So what happened that day in the morning?
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He felt the power of intercession for precious
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immortal souls, for the advancement of the Kingdom of my
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dear Lord and Savior in the world.
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He experienced this most sweet resignation, even joy, at the
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thought of suffering, hardships, distress, even death to promote
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God's Kingdom, joy and. Potential suffering seems so.
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And he had special enlargement that freedom and scope again in
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pleading for the enlightening and conversion of the poor
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heathen in the. Afternoon, he says.
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God. Was with me of a truth he was
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enabled so to agonize and prayer that I was quite wet with
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perspiration, though in the shade and the cool wind.
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There's that vivid image again, physical.
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Intensity, right? His soul was drawn out very much
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for the world, for multitudes of souls.
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He felt more enlargement, more capacity praying for sinners
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than for believers, though he felt he could cry out for both.
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He enjoyed great sweetness and communion with my dear Savior,
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felt completely weaned from this world and totally resigned to
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God in everything that's an. Incredibly intense day, and
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interestingly, his birthday follows right after this.
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Does that context shed any light?
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I think it. Highlights his consistent focus.
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His 24th birthday, April 20th, isn't about celebration in the
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usual sense. He reflects on God's mercy over
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the past year, but also on how poorly he feels he kept his vows
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to be holy. The Lord's still critical.
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Of himself, yes. But with a desire to live more
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to His glory, he calls the birthday a sweet, a happy day.
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Feeling his soul was never so drawn out an intercession for
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others, he had a most fervent wrestle with the Lord.
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For my enemies, praying for. Enemies on his birthday?
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Yeah, Longing. To live to God and to be all
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together devoted to Him. I wanted to wear out my life and
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His service and for His glory. The transition from the intense
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fasting day to this birthday reflection is seamless.
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It shows that for him, this spiritual pursuit wasn't just an
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event, it was his whole life. A life lived.
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In that intensity exactly. And it continues, April 21st to
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24th. He feels much calmness and
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resignation, still unable to wrestle for numbers of souls,
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finding much fervency in the sweet duty of intercession.
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He even notes having more sweetness and intercession for
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others than in any other part of prayer.
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His focus. Seems very outward oriented in
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prayer often. Yes, then April 25th, a Lord's
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Day, is another peak, about two hours in private prayer enabled
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more than ordinarily to agonize for immortal souls.
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And again, body was quite wet with sweat.
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Physical toll. Again, yes.
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And he prays for the meekness and calmness of the Lamb of God,
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finding it a sweet disposition heartily to forgive all injuries
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done us, to wish our greatest enemies as well as we do our own
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souls. He longs to be more and more
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conformed to thee conformity. To Christ forgiveness key theme,
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definitely. That night he's exceedingly
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melted with divine love, gets a feeling sense of the blessedness
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of the upper world power and intercession again for believers
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and unbelievers. He wished and longed for the
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coming of my dear Lord, wanting to join the angelic hosts and
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praises wholly free from imperfection.
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Such a strong. Heavenly folk, immense he.
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Says all I want is to be more holy, more like my dear Lord.
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Oh for sanctification, my very soul pants.
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For the complete restoration of the blessed image of my Savior.
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He even dashed is off a poem, renouncing the vain world,
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declaring my God shall then have all my heart poetry too.
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He's pouring it all out seems like.
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It then April 26th he's still in a sweet frame but then feels
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spiritual pride stirring and God uses that as an humbling season
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for him the. Battle never stops, even after
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such highs. Never it.
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Reminds him of his need. He exceedingly longs for that
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blessed state of perfect deliverance from all sin.
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At night he gives his soul up to God.
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Cast himself on him to be ordered and disposed of
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according to his sovereign pleasure, finding great peace
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and consolation trust in. God's sovereign will.
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A core Reformed idea? Absolutely.
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Then April 27th, early morning, God was pleased to pour such
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ineffable comfort into my soul, just overwhelming comfort.
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He cries out, Oh my sweet Savior, whom have I in heaven
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but thee? And there is none upon earth
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that I desire beside thee, God. Is everything to him in that
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moment. Everything, He says if he had
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1000 lives, he'd gladly lay them all down at once to have been
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with Christ. He calls it the most refined and
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the most spiritual season of communion with God I ever yet
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felt, and says he never felt so great a degree of resignation in
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my life. The Absolute.
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Peak maybe, it sounds. Like it.
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But then the afternoon comes. He feels much declined, mourning
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again over the body of death that is in me.
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He grieves. He couldn't pray and prays with
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his heart still full of divine heavenly love, the swing back.
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Down. It's relentless, it is.
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April 28th, 2 hours in prayer, depending wholly on his dear
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Lord, feeling wholly weaned from all other dependences, longing
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for perfect conformity to Him, expressing these thirsting
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desires and insatiable longings after perfect holiness, that
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longing. For holiness is constant
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constant. He finds God was so precious to
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my soul that the world, with all its enjoyments, was infinitely
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vile. I had no more value for the
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favor of men than for pebbles. The land was my all, and that he
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overruled all greatly delighted me.
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His faith and dependence scarce ever rose so high.
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Gone is his. All yes.
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Sweetness and praying for friends, for the Kingdom.
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But then evening comes. His heart melts, humbled by
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indwelling corruption, Mourning like a dove, he feels all my
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unhappiness arose from my being a Sinner.
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He could welcome other trials, but sin hung heavy upon me.
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Sin is the ultimate burden. For him.
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Yes, he goes to bed with a heavy heart because I was a Sinner.
21:18
Even though he doesn't doubt God's love, he prays God would
21:21
purge away my dross and take away my tin and make me 7 times
21:24
refined like refining. Metal in a fire.
21:27
Exactly then April 29th, 30th he feels kept off at a distance
21:32
from God, but still find some enlargement and inner recession.
21:35
He's somewhat dejected, grieve that he cannot live constantly
21:38
to God's glory. He feels he could bear spiritual
21:41
darkness if only his heart was all the wild burning within me
21:44
with love to God. Love is the.
21:45
Key, even in darkness seems. So finally May 1st he cries out
21:49
with fervency for ministerial qualifications for God to
21:52
advance His Kingdom, bring in the heathen.
21:54
He feels he had much assistance in my studies, calls it a
21:57
profitable week with many communications of the blessed
22:00
Spirit so even. Amidst all the highs and lows,
22:02
that struggle with sin is just always there's like a constant
22:05
background noise, sometimes louder, sometimes quieter.
22:09
And this rhythm seems to carry on into May, Yes.
22:11
Absolutely. That pattern really underscores
22:14
the ongoing nature of, you know, spiritual growth and struggle.
22:17
May 2nd God gives him a sight of myself as made me appear very
22:21
vile in my own eyes. Another dose.
22:23
Of self-awareness, a strong. One, he feels corruption
22:27
stirring in my heart, which he could by no means suppress.
22:30
He feels more and more deserted, was exceeding weak and almost
22:34
sick with my inward trials. You get a sense of how draining
22:37
this internal battle was for him physically, even almost making
22:40
him. Sick.
22:41
Yeah. Then May 3rd he feels the sense
22:43
of vile ingratitude, mourns his abuse of my dear Lord.
22:47
So what does he do? He spends the day in fasting and
22:50
prayer. His go to.
22:51
Response to spiritual struggle it seems to.
22:53
Be and God meets him there, gives him much power of
22:56
wrestling for his cause and Kingdom.
22:58
And it was a happy day to my soul.
23:00
He feels more above the world than ever in my life.
23:02
So the discipline. Bears fruit it.
23:04
Does, but the cycle continues for the rest of that week, May
23:08
4th to 8th. Jonathan Edwards summarizes that
23:11
Brainerd frequently complained of desertion, inward trials, and
23:15
conflicts attended with dejection of spirit.
23:18
The lows. Were frequent they.
23:20
Were. But Edwards also notes that
23:23
Brainerd regularly recorded times of relief and sweetness
23:26
and daily refreshing visits of the divine Spirit, which granted
23:30
special assistance and comfort and enabled much fervency and
23:33
enlargement and religious duties.
23:35
So it wasn't all. Darkness.
23:36
There was this constant ebb and flow exactly.
23:39
A continuous rhythm of struggle and refreshment.
23:42
That seems to be the pattern. It's really.
23:43
Noticeable how relentless his focus on his own sin is, even
23:47
when he's experiencing these clear moments of comfort from
23:50
God. Now, how does all this internal
23:52
struggle, especially this recurring feeling of being vile,
23:55
connect back to his past, specifically that incident at
23:59
Yale College? That's a really.
24:00
Important connection to make. It makes you wonder how much
24:03
those external events, like being expelled from Yale, were
24:06
actually shaping this intense internal life he's recording.
24:09
Did it fuel? The sense of unworthiness.
24:11
Maybe it's. Possible, or perhaps it focused
24:13
it. Look at May 9th, he writes.
24:16
I think I never felt so much of the curse and pride of my heart
24:19
as well as the stubbornness of my will before.
24:23
He calls himself a vile Wretch, wanting only to submit, to be
24:26
nothing and to lie down in the dust.
24:28
Pride and. Stubbornness, the very things
24:30
that arguably got him into trouble at Yale, could be.
24:33
He felt such a Sinner all day that I had scarce any comfort,
24:37
longing again to be delivered from the body of this death.
24:40
He's even afraid he'll lose the spiritual benefit of his trials.
24:43
Nothing seemed to touch me but only this.
24:45
That I was a Sinner, This constant self emptying.
24:48
It's central. And this.
24:49
Continues as he travels, Yes. May 10th, the 13th, he rides to
24:53
New Haven, find some comfort praying with others.
24:55
They're hearing about God's goodness to them, but then
24:58
writing to Wethersfield. He's very dull most of the day,
25:01
little spiritual, feeling the ups and downs.
25:03
Continue on the road right he's. Much perplexed with vile
25:06
thoughts, sometimes afraid of everything, he craves solitude.
25:10
I cannot live in the midst of a tumult.
25:11
I long to enjoy. God alone seeking.
25:14
Refuge in God alone? Exactly.
25:16
He gets this distressing view of the pride, enmity, and vileness
25:20
of my heart, sees so much of the wickedness of my heart that I
25:23
longed to get away from myself. He feels he never realized how
25:26
much spiritual pride he had. Feeling almost pressed to death
25:30
with my own vileness, almost crushed.
25:32
By it seems like. It but then he concludes with
25:34
this gem oh the closest walk with God is the sweetest heaven
25:38
that can be enjoyed on earth. Even in the depths of
25:41
self-awareness. The goal is nearness to God, so
25:44
we've. Seen this intense internal
25:46
wrestling? Let's link it more directly now
25:48
to the Yale situation. How is that specific past event,
25:52
his expulsion, actually affecting him now, months later?
25:56
Is it still a shadow? Oh, definitely.
25:58
The diary makes it clear it still had a huge impact, but
26:00
interestingly rather than say making him bitter or just
26:02
breaking him, it seems to have pushed him closer to God,
26:06
towards a deeper humility. Also, well, on May 14th there's
26:10
a practical development. He waited on a Council of
26:12
Ministers convened at Hartford. He actually presented his case,
26:16
told them about the treatment I had met with from the rector and
26:18
tutors of Yale College. So he's.
26:20
Seeking redress he is. And the Council thought it
26:22
advisable to intercede for me with the rector and trustees,
26:26
and to entreat them to restore me to my former privileges in
26:29
college. After this meeting he spends
26:32
time in spiritual exercises with Christian friends.
26:34
So the practical. Consequences are still very
26:36
real. He needs this external
26:38
validation. In a sense, he does.
26:40
But his internal response remains focused on God from May
26:44
15th to 19th. Writing to Hebron, he's somewhat
26:47
dejected. Sees himself as exceeding vile,
26:50
Sees much pride and stubbornness in my heart.
26:54
He writes something remarkable here.
26:55
Indeed, I never saw such a week as this before, for I have been
26:59
almost ready to die with the view of the wickedness of my
27:01
heart. I could not have thought I had
27:03
such a body of death in me ready to.
27:05
Die just from seeing his own sinfulness, that's how.
27:08
Intense, it felt. He prays for deliverance,
27:11
Edwards notes He continues to complain of dullness and
27:14
desertion, feels vile, longs to hide himself in some cave,
27:17
though there were still intervals of comfort hiding
27:19
away. Yeah.
27:21
Then at Millington, he feels amazingly deserted, a sort of
27:24
horror reflecting when God withdraws what is there that can
27:28
afford any comfort to the soul. It seems the Yale incident, by
27:33
stripping away his institutional standing, perhaps forced him to
27:36
rely even more heavily on an internal divine sense of worth
27:40
rather than external approval making him.
27:43
Learn more on God when human structures failed him possibly.
27:46
But then after these deep lows, from May 20th to 31st, there's a
27:50
shift again. He expresses more calmness and
27:53
comfort and considerable life, fervency and sweetness, and
27:57
religion a period of. Relative peace, yes.
27:59
At New Haven on May 28th, he feels scarce ever felt so calm
28:03
in my life. I rejoiced in resignation and
28:05
giving myself up to God to be wholly and entirely devoted to
28:08
Him forever. The next few days continue in a
28:10
similar positive frame, maybe slightly less intense, but still
28:14
moments of real peace and acceptance, that constant.
28:17
Swing from deep dejection right back up to profound calmness.
28:20
It really does show the intensity of the spiritual
28:22
battle he was fighting every day it.
28:24
Absolutely does. It highlights the dynamic,
28:26
constantly moving nature of his spiritual life.
28:29
It wasn't static at all. June 1st he feels much of the
28:33
presence of God and family. Prayer finds some comfort and
28:37
secret. He's greatly refreshed from the
28:39
Word of God. Finds it exceeding sweet drawing
28:42
strength. From Scripture, yes.
28:44
And he prays for Christ's Kingdom to come with power, for
28:47
the healing waters of the sanctuary to spread and heal the
28:50
nation's. That outward vision is still
28:52
there. But then.
28:53
Reality intrudes again, Yeah. June 2nd to 5th.
28:55
He's much diverted and hindered by physical weakness and
28:59
necessary affairs. Practical life gets in the way.
29:02
He speaks of having little power in religion, feeling God was
29:05
showing him. He was like a helpless infant
29:08
cast out in the open field. Utter.
29:10
Helplessness. That's the.
29:11
Feeling June 6th Sunday he feels much deserted, but then adds But
29:15
all this teaches me my nothingness and vileness more
29:17
than ever seeing even. Desertion is instructive,
29:20
always. Learning from it June 7th, still
29:23
feeling powerless in secret prayer, he has this remarkable
29:26
desire that all God's people might know how mean and little
29:30
and vile I am, that they might see I am nothing, that so they
29:34
might pray for me a right and not have the least dependence
29:37
upon me. He wants people to know his
29:40
weakness so they won't depend on him, but on God.
29:43
Exactly. It's about pointing people away
29:45
from himself towards God. Then June 8th he enjoys a sweet
29:49
and precious season, saying he never before felt it so sweet to
29:53
be nothing and less than nothing and to be accounted nothing
29:56
sweetness in. Nothingness.
29:57
That's countercultural, to say the least.
29:59
Deeply. Countercultural, but for
30:01
Brainerd it was a source of spiritual relief and joy.
30:04
The next three days, June 9th to 11th, he's back to complaining
30:07
of desertion and want of fervency.
30:10
But Edwards observes his diary still shows his heart was
30:12
engaged in religion as his great and, as it were, only business.
30:17
Even when feelings were low, his fundamental orientation remained
30:20
fixed on God. It's truly.
30:22
Remarkable how that desire to be nothing before God actually
30:25
becomes a source of sweetness for Him.
30:27
It flips our usual values upside down, and now we seem to be
30:31
entering a period that showcases some of his absolute most
30:33
intense devotion. Yes.
30:35
These next entries really show an almost, you could say,
30:38
radical level of spiritual focus.
30:40
Just completely absorbed in God. June 12th.
30:43
He spends much time in prayer, enjoys much sweetness, feels
30:48
insatiable, longings after God, much of the day insatiable.
30:51
Longings, yeah. He wonders how core souls do to
30:54
live that have no God. For him, the world with all its
30:57
endurements quite vanished. He sees himself as very
31:00
helpless, but quickly adds, But I have a blessed God to go to
31:03
helplessness. Leading to dependence always.
31:06
He longs exceedingly to be dissolved and to be with Christ,
31:09
to behold His glory. His weak, weary soul longs to
31:13
arrive at my Father's house. That longing.
31:15
For heaven is so strong, very strong.
31:18
Then June. 13th Lord's Day. He feels something calm and
31:22
resigned during public worship at the Lord's Supper.
31:25
He sees himself as very vile and worthless.
31:28
He longs to always lie low in the dust.
31:31
His soul steadily goes out to God, wanting to live upon him.
31:34
Humility. Even the communion table
31:35
especially. There, it seems, then, June 14th
31:38
is another day of really deep spiritual experience.
31:41
He feels the sweetness of communion with God, the
31:44
constraining force of his love, noting how admirably it
31:47
captivates the soul captivated by.
31:49
God's love, yes. He sets the day apart again for
31:52
secret fasting and prayer, seeking guidance about preaching
31:55
the gospel. In the afternoon, he wrestles
31:58
ardently in intercession for absent friends, praying.
32:01
Intensely for others. Again, very intensely.
32:03
And then just at night, the Lord visited me marvelously in
32:06
prayer. I think my soul never was in
32:08
such an agony before. He felt no restraint, for the
32:11
treasures of divine grace were open to me.
32:13
And the agony. Of prayer.
32:14
What was he praying for? He wrestled.
32:16
For absent friends, for the in gathering of souls, for
32:19
multitudes of poor souls, and for many that I thought were the
32:22
children of God, He was in such an agony that I was all over wet
32:26
with sweat. There's that physical
32:28
manifestation again. Sweating from.
32:30
Prayer, yes. And yet afterwards he felt he
32:33
had wasted away the day and had done nothing.
32:35
That sense of inadequacy persists, but then he connects
32:39
his experience to Christ. Oh my dear, Jesus did sweat
32:42
blood for poor souls. I longed for more compassion
32:45
towards them. He goes to bed with his heart
32:47
set on God. That comparison?
32:48
To Christ in Gethsemane, sweating blood, that's
32:52
incredibly powerful. It shows how deeply he
32:54
identified with Christ's suffering for souls, really
32:57
clarifies his whole spiritual drive.
32:59
It absolutely. Does it shows a complete
33:01
alignment of his heart with what he understood to be Christ's
33:04
heart? Then June 15th, he records
33:07
having the most ardent longings after God that ever I felt in my
33:10
life even more intense. Seems so.
33:12
In private prayer he tells his dear Lord, he knew I longed for
33:16
nothing but himself, nothing but holiness, He says.
33:20
He never seemed to be so unhinged for myself and to be so
33:24
wholly devoted to God. Unhinged.
33:26
From myself, that's a striking phrase.
33:28
I don't know like. Being freed from self
33:30
preoccupation, his heart was swallowed up in God most of the
33:33
day. In the evening he gets this
33:35
vision of the soul being enlarged to contain more
33:37
holiness, so much so that it seemed ready to separate from my
33:41
body. Wow.
33:42
Almost an out of body feeling connected to holiness.
33:45
That's how he. Describes it.
33:46
He wrestles in an agony for divine blessings, praise for
33:49
friends beyond what I ever had before.
33:52
He feels more engaged to live to God forever, but interestingly
33:55
less pleased with my own frames. His own spiritual feelings, he
33:59
felt they were far too little so even.
34:01
In peak experiences, he's not satisfied with the experience
34:04
itself, right the. Focus remains on God and
34:06
holiness, not the feeling. Then June 18th, he's thinking
34:10
about his great unfitness for the work of the ministry, his
34:13
present deadness, his total inability.
34:15
So what does he do? Sets apart another day for
34:17
prayer. Prayer as.
34:18
The answer to feelings of inadequacy consistently.
34:21
But he feels amazingly deserted most of the day.
34:25
Yet God draws near once, opens his heart as he pleads for more
34:28
compassion for immortal souls, enabling ardent cries.
34:32
Still he's distressed, thinking he offers such dead cold
34:35
services to the living God. Still feeling.
34:37
Unworthy. Yes, his.
34:38
Souls seem to breathe after holiness, a life of constant
34:41
devotedness to God. He feels almost lost sometimes
34:44
in the pursuit of this blessedness.
34:46
Ready to sink because I continually fall short in miss
34:48
of my desire. He prays for help just to hold
34:51
out the struggle. Is real even in the midst of
34:54
intense seeking. Very real.
34:56
June 20th, Lord's day, much time alone.
34:59
Soul longs for holiness, reaches for God but doesn't feel
35:02
satisfied. Hungered and thirsted but was
35:04
not refreshed yet. His soul hung on.
35:06
God is my only portion. He desires to grow in grace more
35:09
abundantly every day. Holding on.
35:11
To God even when feeling empty. Exactly.
35:14
Then June 22nd, after studies and prayer, he sweetly composed
35:18
and resigned to God's will, and able to leave everything with
35:21
God, depend wholly on him. And then this statement.
35:25
It's such a happiness to have God for my portion, that I had
35:28
rather be any other creature in this lower creation than not
35:31
come to the enjoyment of God. I'd rather be a beast than a man
35:35
without God. If I were to live here to
35:37
eternity, that's. Extreme.
35:39
He'd rather be an animal than a human without God, that's what
35:42
he says. It shows just how absolutely
35:43
central God was to his existence, to his very identity
35:47
as a human being, underscores. His priorities completely.
35:49
It does. And the rest of June, from the
35:51
23rd to the 29th. Edwards summarizes the diary as
35:54
showing this ongoing cycle. Great longings after God and
35:57
holiness, desires for others, conversion, fervent prayer,
36:00
wrestling with God. Moments of composure, comfort,
36:03
sweetness, the positive. Side right.
36:05
But also the other side, a recurring sense of the vile
36:09
abomination of his heart, complaints of barrenness, the
36:12
pressing body of death. He sees clearly that anything he
36:16
enjoys better than hell was a free grace.
36:19
He feels exceeding low, sometimes very disconsolate and
36:23
dejected. The full.
36:24
Spectrum right to the end of the month, the full.
36:26
Spectrum. Never Just one thing for long.
36:30
So even after all these incredibly deep experiences,
36:32
these highs and lows, his spiritual path still throws
36:36
significant trials at him right up to the brink of this really
36:40
pivotal moment. Getting licensed to preach.
36:42
Yeah, this. Final Stretch is a powerful
36:44
reminder that even, you know, exceptionally devoted people
36:46
face really intense internal battles.
36:48
It just goes to show how much we constantly need God support.
36:51
So what? Happens in these last weeks,
36:54
June 30th. Is a particularly rough day, he
36:56
spends it alone in the woods and fasting and prayer again,
36:59
seeking God intensely, but he underwent the most dreadful
37:03
conflicts in my soul that ever I felt in some respects worse
37:06
than. Before in some.
37:07
Respects, he says. He sees himself as so vile that
37:11
I was ready to say I shall now perish by the hand of Saul, like
37:15
he's doomed to fail. He feels he has no power to
37:18
stand for the cause of God, is almost afraid of the shaking of
37:22
a leaf, crippling. Fear and self doubt completely.
37:25
He spends almost the whole day in prayer incessantly.
37:29
He could not bear to think of Christian showing me any
37:31
respect. He almost despaired of doing any
37:34
service in the world. Even his usual comfort thinking
37:37
about the heathen fails him. Could not feel any hope or
37:40
comfort respecting the heathen. He spends the day in the
37:42
bitterness of my soul. Only near nightfall does he feel
37:46
a little better. That sounds.
37:47
Utterly draining just days before his examination.
37:49
Exactly. But then July 1st and 2nd,
37:52
there's some recovery. He finds some sweetness in
37:55
prayer, feels exceeding sweetly in secret prayer, desiring
37:59
nothing so ardently as that God should do with me just as he
38:01
pleased. He feels composed his desires
38:04
ascended to God while traveling back to.
38:05
Resignation, Yes, Yeah. But July 3rd, his heart seemed
38:09
again to sink. And guess what comes back to
38:12
haunt him? Let me guess.
38:13
Yale Bingo. The disgrace I was laid under at
38:16
college seemed to damp me as it opens the mouths of opposers.
38:20
It's still there, this fear of public opinion, of how his past
38:23
failure undermines his present calling.
38:25
Still weighing. On him still weighing.
38:28
But his response is immediate. I had no refuge but in God.
38:32
Blessed be his name, that I may go to Him at all times and find
38:35
Him a present help. It's so.
38:37
Striking, isn't it, that even months later, the Yale incident
38:41
is still a source of pain, Yet every time it surfaces, it seems
38:44
to drive him deeper into relying solely on God.
38:48
What does that tell us about how God uses trials?
38:51
I think that's. A key insight right there.
38:52
It tells us that even hardships that bring, you know, public
38:55
shame or perceived failure, God can actually refine them for
38:58
greater spiritual good. It wasn't about the trial
39:00
disappearing, but about how God used it to redirect Brainerd's
39:04
focus and dependence away from human.
39:05
Approval towards divine sufficiency, Exactly.
39:08
And we see that play out on July 4th, Lord's Day.
39:10
He enjoys a happy season in secret prayer.
39:13
God gives him the exercise of faith which brings the invisible
39:17
and eternal world near to my soul, which appeared sweetly to
39:20
me. Faith.
39:21
Making the eternal real, yes. He hopes his weary pilgrimage
39:26
will be short, that he'll soon be in his heavenly home and
39:29
Father's house. But he's also resigned to God's
39:32
will to tarry his time to do his work and suffer his pleasure
39:36
content. Either way seems.
39:37
So, and he feels thankfulness to God for all my pressing
39:41
desertions of late, for I am persuaded they have been made a
39:44
means of making me more humble and much more resigned.
39:47
He feels pleased to be little, to be nothing, and to lie in the
39:51
dust. I mean benefit.
39:52
Even in the hard times, yes. And he finds life and
39:55
consolation pleading for other believers and for God's Kingdom,
39:59
still breathing after holiness and the enjoyment of God so
40:02
real. Sense of peace and purpose
40:04
returning, it seems. So July 5th to 10th.
40:07
He enjoys considerable composure and tranquility with sweetness
40:10
and fervency of spirit in prayer day after day.
40:13
A period of stability. Nice to see.
40:15
But then. July 11th.
40:16
The struggle bites again, deserted and exceedingly
40:19
dejected in the morning. In the afternoon, though, he
40:21
feels resigned and again sees himself as exceeding.
40:24
Violet just never fully goes away.
40:26
That awareness, the wrestling. Is persistent very.
40:30
July 12th to 14th. He expresses inward comfort,
40:33
resignation, and strengthen. God feels a kind of humble,
40:37
resigned sweetness giving himself holy to the Lord.
40:41
He hears Mr. Bellamy, which makes him long for nearer access
40:45
to God. Hearing good.
40:46
Preaching stirs him up. Yeah.
40:48
Then July. 15th to 20th. Considerable comfort and
40:51
fervency in Christian fellowship and spiritual exercises.
40:55
His desires are particularly focused on weenedness from the
40:59
world, perfect deadness to it, and to be even crucified to all
41:02
its allurements. Wanting.
41:04
Detachment from worldly things complete.
41:06
Detachment. His soul longs to feel itself
41:08
more of a Pilgrim and stranger here below, That nothing may
41:11
divert me from pressing through the lonely desert till I arrive
41:14
at my father's house. He finds it sweet to give away
41:16
myself to God. It's a feeling sense of the
41:19
sweetness of being a Pilgrim on earth, embracing.
41:21
That Pilgrim identity fully. July 21st He's determined to be
41:25
wholly devoted to God, spends the whole day in a most diligent
41:28
exercise of religion, and exceeding comfortably a good.
41:32
Solid day seems like. It then July 22nd, something
41:35
interesting happens while traveling.
41:37
He stops at a house, is very kindly entertained and
41:40
refreshed. And his reaction?
41:42
Let me guess. Feeling unworthy?
41:44
You got it. He's filled with amazement and
41:46
shame that God should stir up the hearts of any to show so
41:49
much kindness to such a dead dog as I.
41:52
He realizes how exceedingly vile it is not to be wholly devoted
41:56
to God. He wonders why God even allows
41:58
creatures to feed him, even simple.
42:00
Kindness triggers that sense of unworthiness.
42:02
It never leaves him. Never.
42:04
Then July 23rd to 28th, the final stretch before the
42:07
examination. His diary shows this mix again.
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Sweet composure and fervency, weenedness from the world,
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feeling like a Pilgrim wanting to use every inch of time for
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God. Final preparation.
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Spiritually speaking, exactly and.
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Then July 29th, the culmination of this whole intense period,
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Brainerd is examined by the association, met at Danbury as
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to my learning and also my experiences in religion and
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received a license from them to preach the gospel of Christ.
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He did it. He's.
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Licensed. He's.
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Licensed, and afterwards he feels much devoted to God.
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He joins in prayer with one of the ministers.
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His peculiar friend goes to bed resolving to live.
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Devoted to God all my days. A fitting end.
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Of that chapter dissolve to live devotedly a seal.
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On this period of intense formation as he steps into his
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formal calling, deeply shaped by everything we've just walked
42:56
through. Wow.
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What an incredible deep dive that was into just a few short
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months of David Brainer's life. His honesty, his really candid
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diary entries. They just let us witness a man
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intensely wrestling with how sinful he felt he was.
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Yeah. Grappling with that constantly
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while depending. Completely on God's grace and
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just passionately going after a personal holiness and wanting to
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see God's Kingdom grow right and.
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His experiences, you know, marked by these really intense
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lows, but also these incredible spiritual highs.
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They really underline something vital for anyone trying to walk
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closely with God, don't they? That the path is almost never a
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straight line. It's full of ups and downs, but
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God uses every single moment, the good and the bad, to shape
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us, to refine us. Brainerd's sense of being
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nothing before God. It seems almost paradoxical, but
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it actually fueled his drive to live entirely for God's glory.
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That's a great. Point.
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And for you, the listener, maybe someone who likes to grasp
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things quickly get those aha moments.
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Brainerd's example shows that, well, maybe genuine devotion
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often comes packaged with this really deep self-awareness,
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maybe even awareness of failure. Yeah, and an.
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Absolute reliance on divine favor, not on your own strength
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or smarts. Exactly.
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His constant return to prayer. His fervent prayers for others.
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It really highlights where real spiritual strength comes from,
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doesn't it? Not from within, but from God
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and if you connect. This to the bigger picture.
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Brainerd's account really gives you a clearview into how God
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gets people ready for his work. It happens even through things
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that look like setbacks, like the Yale expulsion, or through
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all those internal conflicts he faced so.
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His journey to getting licensed wasn't just about hitting the
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books, not at. All it was about a profound
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shaping of his entire being, his character, his heart.
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God was preparing the man, not just the preacher.
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That leaves this with something to think about, doesn't it?
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What does all this mean for us today?
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Consider Brainerd's resolution on the day he got his license.
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Resolving to live devoted to God All my days.
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A simple. But total resolve right?
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So the question for you is what parts of your own walk with God
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might be deepened if you adopted that kind of singular focus on
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God's design for you, even when you're feeling weak or facing
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pressures from the world around you?
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Yeah, what would? That look like it's definitely
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something to chew on. Thank you so much for joining us
45:16
for this deep dive into David Brainerd's diary.
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We hope. That hearing about his raw
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honesty might spark some reflection for you on your own
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spiritual growth and your own dependence on God's grace.