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Why a Narcissists gives you gifts rather than just apologizing or changing their behaviors · The Mental Healness Podcast

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  Why do narcissistic people give you gifts rather than just
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  apologize? Like why can't they just say say
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  the words I'm sorry and mean it and change their behaviors?
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  Why would they just want to give you a gift or a hug or some
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  bedroom action? That's what we talked about
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  today, y'all. Of course, if you're new here,
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  Lee Hammock diagnosed narcissist and welcome to another episode
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  of The Narcissist Code. Welcome back folks, welcome
• 0:40
  back, welcome back. Before we hop too deep in
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  today's episode, y'all make sure if you have it to check out my
• 0:44
  website mentalillness.net for all things my coaching, my
• 0:48
  courses, my 10 ones, everything is at mentalillness.net.
• 0:52
  And let's get it. Yo man, I see, I see videos all
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  the time or post all the time on Facebook or TikTok or Instagram,
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  whatever, even Snapchat sometimes.
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  Like my partner beat me last night and then woke up this
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  morning, cooked me breakfast or they gave me a gift or they took
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  me shopping or they slept with me or whatever.
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  They gave me a hug. They told me that they love me
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  but they didn't apologize. Why is that?
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  Why can't they just open their mouths and apologize when they
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  know they've done something wrong?
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  That's what I'm here for. Y'all narcissist.
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  If I don't say the words I'm sorry and you don't leave me,
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  you accept what I've done for you.
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  If I'm doing something for you, if I pretend like nothing
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  happened and then you accept it, that validates me.
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  That helps me escape accountability.
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  That help helps helps. That helps me escape.
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  Escape the shame, that's what it's all about right there,
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  y'all, Let's be, let's be real, that's what it's all about.
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  Escaping shame, getting rid of the shame, not feeling shame,
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  not having to deal with it in any way, shape or form.
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  That's literally what it's all about.
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  You will get a ton of narcissists out here that will
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  do something terrible to you, dude.
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  Like, they'll cheat on you, right?
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  You'll find out they'll ignore you for a day, couple hours, a
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  day, week or whatever. And then one day out of nowhere,
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  they'll just buy you something. One day out of nowhere, they're
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  talking to you again. They're no longer ignoring you.
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  And then you're confused. You're like, why the hell
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  doesn't this person just apologize?
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  Why? Why are they trying to pretend
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  like nothing happened? Because they want to act like
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  nothing happened. Because if nothing happened then
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  I can just do a like a memory wipe.
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  You know, like men, like men in black, right?
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  Y'all seen the movie Men in black?
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  This is not the color of it, but you see the movie Men in Black
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  when they pull out the little, The little, I forgot what it's
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  called, the little, the little thing that makes you forget your
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  memories that I stare right here, Billy.
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  That's like literally what it is.
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  If I don't apologize and you just keep moving forward with
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  me, then nothing happened. I can say nothing happened.
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  I can pretend nothing happened. I can pretend that it wasn't as
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  serious as it really was because guess what?
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  There was no accountability here.
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  You didn't say anything else to me.
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  I didn't say anything else to you.
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  There's nothing different that has happened.
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  Now you get, I get to escape. I feel better.
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  You don't feel better do do you? You might feel good that you got
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  a gift or they've given you something that you've always
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  wanted. They promised, they've been
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  promising to take you on a on a trip and now they actually are.
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  You're finally getting what you want, right?
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  But think about it like this. You're getting what you want,
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  but you're not getting answers, you're not getting fulfillment,
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  you're not getting closure from the situation that put you in
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  this predicament in the 1st place now are you?
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  And then guess what happens if you don't accept the gift?
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  They lose their damn minds, are you?
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  Now it's World War Three in this damn house.
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  Because World War 2 was the first incident, right?
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  This is 3. This is 3 right here.
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  Because now you're ungrateful. Now you don't appreciate
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  anything. Now nothing I do is ever good
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  enough for you. Now they are the victim.
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  Because now you're not accepting it, right?
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  If you don't accept it, if you don't take it, if you don't say
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  thank you, if you don't respond to them in kind, you are now the
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  aggressor to them. This is in their minds, right?
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  And this is how they feel. They will lose their minds on
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  you, right? And get Lord, Lord forbid.
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  Lord forbid you bring something up like you.
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  You bring it up and want to want some resolution.
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  Lord forbid you ask for an apology right here in this
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  situation. Lord forbid you do that.
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  How dare you? How dare you ask for an apology?
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  How dare you? What about what you did?
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  You should be apologizing to me for making me do that.
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  You made me cheat on you. You made me hit you.
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  You made me yell at you. You made me steal from you.
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  I'm only like this with you. And you.
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  Oh, you understand that, right? I'm really truly only like this
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  with you. Nobody else makes me.
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  I don't do this with anybody else.
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  So it must be your fault, right? Everybody else loves me.
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  Everybody else is appreciative of me.
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  But guess what? Except everybody except you.
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  Everybody except you. Everybody else appreciates me.
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  Blah, blah blah, Boo Boo, Boo, BBB.
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  This is what happens. This is how it goes.
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  They are going to play the victim here.
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  They want to be the victim. Narcissist, man.
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  Let's keep it high and ready, man.
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  I'm, I mean, leaning all the way back in my chair.
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  Narcissists always want to play the victim.
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  They always want to try to find a way to victimize themselves in
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  this situation. They absolutely do and you know
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  that. You know that.
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  So this is not me trying to attack you.
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  Buckle your seat. Buckle your seatbelts up right
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  here. I'm not attacking you, I promise
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  you. But if you've dealt with a
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  narcissist for any extended period of time, you already know
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  what's coming, right? You already know what's coming.
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  And that's the, and that could be so frustrating for you.
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  Knowing what's coming in this situation, knowing what's
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  happening, knowing how this is going now, knowing that this
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  cycle will never end unless you end it.
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  That's going to be a extremely frustrating thing for you as a
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  survivor, as a thriver, as a victim, whatever stage you're in
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  to deal with. Let's be real, man, let's be
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  100% real. That's going to be an extremely
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  frustrating dynamic for you to deal with and for you to come
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  across before you to battle with and whatnot because this is how
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  it goes. I'm serious.
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  And it's going to be, it's going to blow your damn minds, man.
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  It's frustrating, it's toxic and it's just, it's just
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  denigrating, man, damn. And then narcissist, they're
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  look, as long as they're not getting held accountable,
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  they're fine. You like you right here crying,
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  you're sad and you're wondering like how they can just walk
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  around like nothing happened and you were just like you were they
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  were like, yay, you accepted my apology, which wasn't an apology
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  that matter of fact. Let's go.
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  Oh, I'm glad I said that right there.
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  They think you accepting the gift from them is you accepting
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  that apology. Let's keep it high and ready.
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  There are a lot of narcissists out here that think that they,
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  they, they don't like, there are a lot of narcissists.
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  They can't get deep emotionally. They don't have the, the
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  threshold to get deep on a deeply emotional level.
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  And being apologizing to someone requires vulnerability, right?
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  And narcissists don't have the ability to be vulnerable a lot.
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  So instead of being vulnerable, I'm going to do something
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  physical. I'm going to give you a gift.
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  I'm going to hug you. I'm going to kiss you.
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  I'm going to make a joke with you.
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  I'm going to try to sleep with your clap them cheeks, right?
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  I'm going to do that as rather than just apologizing, you see
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  what I'm saying because apologies suck.
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  And then in my mind as a narcissist, if I put my I still
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  need my narcissist hat in my mind as a narcissist, if I were
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  to put my narcissist hat on, right?
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  And I go from that way, I'm like, OK, I still want my needs
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  met. Like I don't want to apologize.
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  I want to get past this. I don't want to be held
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  accountable. So in order to do that, I just
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  need to give gifts. I just want to keep moving
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  forward. I'm going to gloss over
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  everything. I don't want this.
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  And like I say, I don't want to apologize either.
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  I do not want to apologize. I don't want to say the words.
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  I'm sorry because I think if I apologize to you, that's giving
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  you ammunition to use against me later on.
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  Because this is a confession. If I confess to you, if I
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  apologize to you, that's a confession.
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  And you confessions, just like, just like in law enforcement, A
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  confession can and will be used against you because get what,
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  Lee? Why did they, Lee?
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  Why would they think I would use it against them?
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  Because that's what they would do to you.
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  If you ever admit that you are wrong or were wrong to your
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  narcissistic partner, they will never forget it.
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  They will always bring it up. So when they do something wrong,
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  they can say what about what you did that you admitted to?
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  You admitted to telling a lie to me about this.
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  Yeah, you said. You said you were scared to tell
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  the truth because I hit you last time.
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  But it's not an excuse. You did lie to me, right?
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  You didn't lie to me, right? Yep.
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  They will never let it go. So they assume that you're going
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  to do the same things that they're doing.
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  Doesn't that make sense? They're absolutely going to
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  assume that you would do the same things that they are doing.
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  So they are going to try to protect themselves.
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  Because I want to protect myself.
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  I I, I have to protect myself. My ego.
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  Yeah, my ego is both fragile and huge.
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  And those two things do not go together.
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  A a huge fragile ego is insane to have.
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  It's tough to you, can't you damn it, or can't get rid of it,
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  right? A huge fragile ego.
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  I probably like, imagine a big tall skyscraper in New York
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  City, right? A huge skyscraper in New York
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  City made of glass, made of thin glass.
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  That's a narcissist's ego. It's huge, right?
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  But a Pebble, a well placed Pebble could come make the
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  building come crashing down. A well placed Pebble.
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  And that's why they don't build buildings out of glass.
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  You know what I'm saying? Because they know it.
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  We might be pretty it, but it's not sturdy.
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  It's not reliable. The narcissist ego is not
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  sturdy. It's not reliable, but it is
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  big. We've built, we've built these
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  internal huge glass skyscraper egos that are easy to crack.
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  So if I'm vulnerable to you, I think I'm pretty much thinking
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  that I can give you that Pebble to break my ego, to make my
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  whole world come tumbling down, to make my whole existence
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  comes, comes, come crashing down.
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  That's what I think my ego will do.
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  That's part of why I think my ego can do sometimes in these
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  situations right here. So it's just like as you are
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  moving forward, as you're trying to heal, as you're trying to
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  grow, this is something that you just need to understand, right?
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  This is something that you need to just be be able be Privy to
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  because that narcissistic person that talks a person, they're
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  going to keep doing what benefits them the most.
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  Whatever that is, whatever they feel like benefits them the
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  most. They're going to continue to do
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  like not apologizing, just trying to sleep with you, just
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  not ignoring the situation, just pretending like nothing
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  happened. That's what's best for them.
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  So they're going to continue to do what's best for them.
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  I feel like damn, got a damn lisp right now.
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  I'm talking there's no disrespect to my folks out there
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  who have lisp. I love y'all, love the lisp and
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  what not y'all. But then seriously, they would
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  rather give you a gift or some type of physical affection or
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  some type of physicality or ignore the situation rather than
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  apologize because apologies are giving you that little Pebble.
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  A narcissist's ego is like a little Pebble.
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  It's a huge, I said not. The narcissist's ego is like a
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  big glass building and sometimes all you need is a little Pebble
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  to crack it down. Anyway, y'all, thank you for
• 12:16
  tuning in. I really, truly appreciate every
• 12:18
  single one of y'all. Go watch the last podcast
• 12:20
  episode with Doctor Sharon Neve. Excellent episode about low
• 12:24
  debt, low dose ketamine and whatnot.
• 12:26
  I have a pot. I have a playlist on here called
• 12:28
  the Mental Illness Podcast on YouTube.
• 12:30
  But if you watching this on Spotify or Apple Music, hit that
• 12:33
  subscribe button, leave a comment, thumbs up, do whatever
• 12:35
  you need to do. Let's push this thing out there.
• 12:37
  Let's help more people in the world, y'all.
• 12:39
  I appreciate y'all and I'm out.