Latest / High Level Wife Podcast with Chelsey Holm / 4 No-Go’s of a Godly Wife (the roots + the fix)

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4 No-Go’s of a Godly Wife (the roots + the fix) · High Level Wife Podcast with Chelsey Holm

• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to the High Level Wife Podcast.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Chelsea Holm, your hostess, and here we do Married to God's Way.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: And today I want to share with you four no-goes in marriage as a godly wife.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: So right out the gate, let me just tell you where they are, and then I want to break it down for you so that you know if you see yourself in any of these, then we'll also break down how do we actually shift out of that, how do we repent of that, how do we move in a different direction towards God?
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: So control, criticism, hardness of heart, and independence.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: These are four no-gos that show up in marriage and actually work against being a godly wife.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: These are four things that actually tear down our house, like the Lady Folly in Proverbs, right?
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: Rather than Lady Wisdom who builds her house up.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: So the first control.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: So the the the root of control is always fear, right?
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: If I can control, if I can um do my best to create the outcome that I want, if I can keep things as I want them to be, then then the outcomes are always going to be predictable for me, and then therefore I have control, and then therefore I don't get hurt again.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: So the root of control is always fear, right?
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: Fear of what is the question.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: What is the deepest root of fear that is causing you to feel the need to control whatever it is, your husband, your kids, ultimately the outcomes.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: So how do we get out of control?
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: Well, if you look at the opposite of control, what is the opposite of control?
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's submission, right?
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: That word that that modern uh world hates.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but we submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: We see that in Ephesians right before, okay?
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: In Ephesians, right before it tells wives to be submitted to their husbands, right?
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: To respect their husbands and to submit to them.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: We do that because we submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: So if fear is the root and we want to pull that out, well, what's the opposite of fear?
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: Love.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: Perfect love casts out all fear.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: So, love for your spouse?
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: No, you don't want to start there because your spouse is an imperfect person, right?
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's love for God.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: Is it you loving God?
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: That's a response, but we don't actually start there either.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: We start with God's love for you, for God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him will not perish, but have everlasting life, right?
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: God loved us first.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: This is God's eternal purpose being carried out, that Christ would die for us, being the ultimate sacrifice, the new covenant.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: So the covenant that was established with Abraham, if you're familiar with uh Jewish customs, right, this actually came from um pagan rituals of sacrificing animals and creating contracts.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so when God did this, essentially what it was saying is you know, you would cut an animal in half and then you would walk through the split flesh saying that if I fail to uphold my end of this agreement, may what happened to this animal return upon me.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the really cool thing: God knows us.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: God knows that we mess up day after day after day, right?
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: That we are by nature sinful and rebellious.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: So God Himself walked through that sacrifice saying that I love you and I will uphold the covenant.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: And we have all of the Old Testament seeing that God made his word true and fulfilled it.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Every promise he's made has been fulfilled.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: Ultimately, that eternal purpose again was Jesus being the ultimate sacrifice, his own blood that washes us clean, that purifies and cleanses us from all unrighteousness.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so it's God's love that we start with, right?
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: We start with submitting to our husbands out of reverence for Christ, but we start by submitting also by understanding God's great love for us.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: Because God so loves me, I can love my spouse.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: And that's how you overcome control in your life.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: Second one here, criticism.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Criticism, obviously, we all know what it means to criticize somebody, right?
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like, think of the last time someone loaded the dishwasher in front of you and it was not the way that you do it, right?
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: What is your natural inclination?
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you're doing it wrong.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: Let me help you.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: Are you an idiot?
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: Who loads a dishwasher like that, right?
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Like that comes natural for us.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's much harder for us to sit back and be gracious and to look at the blessing of someone else doing it, right?
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's such a silly example, but we all understand it.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's common to all of us, right?
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: So criticism, at the root of criticism, again, is fear, right?
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: Fear, fear of something not being right.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: But even deeper than that, and kind of interlaced with it, is actually pride.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: Pride is the deepest root of criticism, right?
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: Pride says, my way, I know you don't.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's elevating yourself.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: And we know that the Bible tells us that pride comes before a fall.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: And so if pride is the deepest root, then the opposite of that, the way to overcome that is by humility.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, Christ did not consider himself as equal to God, but instead humbled himself by coming in the form of a human baby to this world, not coming to be served, but to serve.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: So the way that we overcome this is through humility.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: And humility comes from a right view of God and a right view of self.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: And it's only through that lens are we then able to have a right view of others.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: A soft word turns away wrath.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: Well, criticism is not a soft word, it's a harsh word.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: And by harsh words, we tear down our house and we tear down others.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: All right, it pushes away, it doesn't invite.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: So the third one here, hardness of heart.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so Stephen, right before he is stoned to death, he calls out the Jewish leaders and he says, Oh, you stiff-necked people, how long will you live in rebellion?
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: Like, okay, so hardness of heart, right?
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: It can also be equated to hardness of head, right?
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: Of stiff-necked, of stubbornness.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, the root of a hardness of heart is unhealed hurt.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: So hardness of heart can also come in the form of offense, taking offense at things.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: And offense is always our hurts interpreting whatever is happening around us, right?
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: So if you take offense to something, that is your sign that ooh, there's something deeper going on under the surface.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Why did that bother me so much?
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: Holy Spirit, search me and know me.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Reveal any wayward way in me, reveal any areas that you want to heal.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: So the way that we counteract or move in the opposite direction, right?
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: Repent of hardness of heart and move toward God.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I just want to pause here and say none of this is requires you just trying harder.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: This requires submission to God and full surrender for his Holy Spirit that fills you, enabling and equipping you for every good work, filling and producing the fruit of the spirit in and through you.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: That is where the power comes from.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: Not of you, but in you by the power of the spirit at work in and through you.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: So it's not about trying harder, this is about submitting more fully.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: So if the opposite of hardness of heart is actually willing surrender to face the discomfort of what God is revealing that He wants to heal us from.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: That is the way that we move toward God in this, and how we lay the groundwork for softness.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: You've heard me say so many times that self-protection and intimacy cannot coexist.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: Hardness of heart is one of those veins of self-protection.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: It also has that root of pride, but even deeper than that is actually unhealed wounds and heart.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: And then the last one is independence.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: God did not make Eve and say, girl, she an independent woman.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: Excuse me.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: No man.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: No man.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um, we can hear all of our kids playing and yelling in the background.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: I kicked them all outside.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's like beautiful.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's like 72 degrees out here and sunny with a gentle breeze.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: It is beautiful.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: So beautiful.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, anyway.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: Independence.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: No, God did not create no independent woman.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: God created Eve for Adam from Adam, right?
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: He put him to sleep, took a rib from him because he said it is not good for man to be alone.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: I will create for him a helper.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: That Ezer can negotiate, that vital assistance.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's the same word either God uses to describe himself as he assists his people and guides them and helps them.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: So, no, we were not made to be independent, nor were we made to be codependent in that we look at our husband or our spouse to fulfill us.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's that's a burden they cannot bear.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's something that they are incapable of, and that actually puts great pressure on them that will crush them.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: God and God alone is the only one that can actually fill those deep places in us, that deep longing, that deep hunger.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so not independence, right?
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: That I don't need no man.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: What do I need you for?
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: I do it all myself, right?
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like that is a root of self-reliance.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: And again, that ties into all of the things that I've mentioned.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: That self-protection because of unhealed hurt, that pride, that fear, all of that is kind of pours into this final one of independence, right?
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: Of um compartmentalizing everything in your life so that you can mitigate and reduce total devastation when one area crumbles.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: Not all of them do, right?
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: I walked that firsthand.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: My life was so compartmentalized, I was a champion at it.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like I was I was mom, I was wife, I was friend, I was business owner, but I didn't let any of them intermingle because if one crumbled, I still had the others, right?
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's a self-protection mechanism.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: That's not helpful and it does not um bring life.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, it is futile, like it is vanity, it's chasing the wind, truly.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: So the opposite of independence is actually dependence.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the thing: it's not dependence on your husband.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: That is a byproduct.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's first and foremost dependence on God, full trust in God.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you don't have all your questions answered, even if you don't know what the next step is, even if you don't have all the information or details, can you still trust God?
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: You can't have faith in the Lord if you are keeping it contingent upon having all the answers.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: God is God and you are not.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: You will never fully comprehend God in all of his vastness.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: You just can't.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: The fact that he measures all the waters of the earth in his hands, what?
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: So if your faith is contingent upon having all the answers and knowing all the things and all the timing, that's not faith.
• 14:05
  unknown: Right.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: So when you learn to trust God by seeking God, by seeing his goodness revealed through the thousands of years and the old testament that we have, that you are then able to say, God, I trust you.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: You were orchestrating all the things together, all peoples, all timelines for your glory.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: I can't even fathom that.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: But I trust you.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: I know you are good and you are holy and you are sovereign.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: And because of that, because you have put me with this spouse, I can now, because I depend fully on you, God, I can also lean into this person you've put me with, knowing fully that they are imperfect, but that you are at work in and through them.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: I can assume the best of them because I depend on you, God.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: And this is your son or your daughter, and you love them.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: If only they were here, you died, Jesus, just for him or her.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: It changes your perspective.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: So if the four no-gos in marriage as a godly wife are control, criticism, hardness of heart, and independence, then the four go-to's standards as a godly wife are submission.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, what did I say?
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: Building up.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: Is that right?
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: I love it when I go off notes.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't, I haven't had notes for this whole thing.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: I've had like four bullet points just so I don't forget what the four things are, right?
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: So humility.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: There we go.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so control.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: If if control is the no-go, then submission is the go-to standard.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: If criticism is the no-go, then humility is the go-to standard of a godly wife.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: If hardness of heart is the no-go, then the go-to standard of a godly wife is tenderness and submission to be healed.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: Submission to the work, surrender to the work that God is doing in and through you.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: If independence is a no-go in marriage as a godly wife, then the go-to standard of a godly wife is dependence first on God and then on your spouse because you trust God.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: So I would love to know.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: And you can sit with this.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: You can just sit with this, you can leave me a comment to review.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: Were any of these like, oh dang, 100% me?
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: And if so, what is the Lord calling to your attention that he wants to do some work on right now?
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: And if the Lord has walked you through this work, he's revealed it, he's done the work in you, and now you are tasting and seeing the goodness of the Lord and experiencing his fruit that he's produced in and through you.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: What does that look like?
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to hear.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'll see you on the next episode.