Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S3 Ep14: Logic Called — Anxiety Hung Up 🤣

Transcript

S3 Ep14: Logic Called — Anxiety Hung Up 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: This is where my anxiety baby's at.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: I love it.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Listen how loud you are.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: We're mixing drinks and medication tonight, aren't we?
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: That's where those moves come in.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Because anytime I ask that question, people are usually like, eh.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: I have a I have anxiety.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Not here, not LA.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: You guys are like, I'm a professional.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm eight white claws and two Xanax in, babe.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: Let's go.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: I have anxiety.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: I have a very specific form of anxiety.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: I have what is called panic disorder, which means that I don't have generalized anxiety, but I will go from having a completely normal day to a full-blown, I'm gonna die panic attack in like less than 30 seconds, right?
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: The best way I can describe it, it's like I have two halves of my brain, okay?
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: I have the anxiety half of my brain, and then I have the logical half of my brain, alright?
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: And anxiety is like, hey, everything's on fire, you're gonna die one day, so I'm just gonna make that day today, and uh I'm gonna start shutting shit down, alright?
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: And logic tries to talk it down, okay?
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: Logic tries, but for whatever reason, logic has like Amber Heard's lawyer.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Logic's out here objecting to its own statements.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: Logic's like, you're fine, take your pills.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: Objection hearsay.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Are we dying or what, man?
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: Now's out of time.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: I will, I'll be having a total.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just watching TV and all of a sudden anxiety just speaks up, right?
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: Anxiety's like, uh, hey Mayor, um, are we breathing funny?
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: Don't feel like maybe our rhythm is a little bit off.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: And logic tries.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, no, no, no, no, no, we're not breathing funny.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, breathing exercises, all right?
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: In for four seconds, hold for four seconds, out for four seconds.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, he's like, no, no, no, I'm past that.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm starting to get lightheaded, man.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I think we should do?
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: I think we should Google how many breaths per minute the average person takes.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, yeah, yeah.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: And then start a timer and then we'll count to that number.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: And then if we're on par, I'll go right to bed.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, okay, we're not gonna do that.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because the last time we did that, we ended up in the ER.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: So, hey, grounding techniques, all right?
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: Just name five things you can see, all right?
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: Calm down.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, You know, I love it.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: We need something to calm down.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: But I set this entire fucking place on fire.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: What you want?
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Because we can die today, bitch.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: And that's when logic snaps.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: And logic's like, no, no, no, don't set it on fire.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: You know what?
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't feel a little, I didn't feel a little bit latehead.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't feel like maybe we should just lit.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: Like, maybe we should just call them a mummy because we are definitely dying.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: That's how you end up on Lexapro.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: I did that joke in West Virginia recently, and no one laughed.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: Which I call bullshit, to be honest with you.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: I am in West Virginia.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: The sheer amount of Mountain Dew consumed in that state.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: You got four teeth in your whole head.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: You tell me you've never had a shaky chest, I don't buy it.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: I did have uh I had one guy in the front row who's very concerned, uh, but very confused.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: And he looks at me and he just goes, Are they your sponsor?
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, are you asking if I'm legally obligated to mention Lexabro in my stand-up set?
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like, no, but what a life goal.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god! I feel like as a stand-up comedian, I should be the face of an anti-anxiety, antidepressant medication.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like that would be perfect.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: It could just be like me, kind of offstage, sad, you know, just like, you know, as a comedian.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: Life isn't always funny.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: But I got my punchlines back with Lexapro.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: Nah, dude, my parents fucked me up.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I'm all weird about having emotions.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't allowed to have emotions.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: You kidding me?
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I especially wasn't allowed to cry.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: My dad said the same thing to me that I'm sure your dad said to you.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't stop crying, I'm gonna give you something to cry about.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: That right there, yep, that right there, my friends, is called generational trauma.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, if you've ever said, I don't need therapy, and then you completed that sentence, you need therapy.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: My dad was the worst.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: I remember the one time I was crying and crying and crying, and I couldn't stop crying, and he just snapped on me.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: He just goes, Hey, quit crying.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: Crying is gay.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, but you're confused about why there's so many different sexual orientations?
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, because every time a millennial cries, we're like, I don't know, am I gay?
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: I might be gay, no, I don't like women.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: Is there another option?
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: Can you just add a letter for me?
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: My dad actually passed away two years ago, he did.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, I'm gonna talk about it, so I just want to let you guys know two things.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, everything I'm about to say is 100% true.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: And number two, not laughing or getting weird and uptight and uncomfortable is not gonna make my dad any less dead.
• 5:57
  unknown: Alright?
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: So everyone go ahead and loosen your assholes.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'll say this.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: I think that having a parent die has got to be the fastest way to figure out which of your friends cannot cook.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_02: Right?
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: My friends are bringing me like lasagnas and shit, and they're like, oh my god, cooking should be the last thing on your mind right now.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I'd taste it and be like, was it the last thing on yours?
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: How'd you fuck up noodles?
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's wild, dude.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: We actually uh we found out that my dad had another kid, which is crazy, right?
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: You always hear about that happening, like, mmm, we're not that trashy.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: Uh it happens, and you're like, God damn it, dude.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: We found out my dad had another kid on the same day that I had to write his obituary.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, it's a messed up day to begin with, okay?
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: And my mom, she throws us a little curveball and she just goes, Well, Mayor, are you gonna include the guy in the obituary?
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: I think he has a right to be in there.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, mom.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: This is supposed to be like a loving, heartfelt.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: What would that would I just be like?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Anthony Santoras Sr.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: was survived in life by his children.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Anthony Jr., Mary Lynn, and Carl?
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: He seems nice, we just met him.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: Not really sure, you know.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: And it's funny because they say hindsight's 2020.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: So now looking back on that situation from childhood, it makes so much more sense.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: Because I thought we were watching shows like Maury and Jerry Springer just because we were poor and didn't have cable.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Turns out dad was just showing us game tape.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: My dad and I actually had a very tumultuous relationship.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: He and I fought a lot, okay?
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: And the one thing we fought about more than anything else was stand-up comedy.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: He hated that I did stand-up comedy, okay?
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: And he wasn't a nice guy about it.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: He'd be like, the fuck are you doing with your life?
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: You're driving all over hell, no one knows who you are, no one gives a shit.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: You need to give this up and get a real fucking job.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: Now, in my dad's defense, I did drop out of pharmacy school to become a stand-up comedian, okay?
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: So I should have been making$150,000 a year at CVS.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I now I'm like, yeah, you guys, you guys can follow me on TikTok.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: I don't give a shit.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: 34 years old alone in my house.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm set.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: So he's probably got a point.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Uh but before my dad passed away, we were able to sit down and have a really long heart-to-heart, and I was very glad that we had that opportunity.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: But even after that, it was still hard to forgive him for some things.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: Because, like, my dad left my family when I was 11 years old, okay?
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: Gone when I was eleven.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: And he also died from COVID two years ago.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: We think that he contracted COVID at the grocery store, making it the second time in my life that my dad has gone out for milk and never come back.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm pretty sure it's why I'm lactose intolerant.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, this giant person.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, when we had that Heart to Heart, he told me he wanted to lose some weight.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: So I was like, hell yeah, dude, let's do it.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: Let's work out together.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: And he was doing great.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: At the beginning of it, he fit into like a 6X.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: And by the end of it, he fit into like a four-inch urn.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: That was that was the one that was too much.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: I said, just don't groan.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: I get why are you groaning?
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: My dad finally hit his goal weight.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: All it took was for someone to light a fire under his ass.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: Oh shit.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: He finally got that smoke in our body he always wanted.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: You haven't laughed once.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: My father was cremated.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: Do you understand?
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: She now, she gets it.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: She gets it.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, guys, I've been doing those jokes for two years now.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: I've had every reaction to those jokes.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's mostly what you gave me.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: You guys don't know who the hell I am.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: You came out to have a good time.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: You're like, what the fuck is this?
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: I get that.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: But then I also know there's people in the audience who have dead parents, whose parents might have even died from COVID.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: And they're sitting out there like, fuck yeah, never stop doing these jokes.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: No one told me about the shitty lasagna.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: But then I had one reaction I had absolutely no idea what to do with.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I was doing these jokes in Cleveland, Ohio, where I am from.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: Alright?
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: Same jokes you guys heard.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: Halfway through the set, some dude in the back of the room yells out, cuts me off.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_01: And he just goes, Too soon!
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: I was just like, oh shit, Carl's that human?
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: That's it for me, guys.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_01: Thank y'all so much.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_01: My name's Mary Santora!