Latest / Brandon Fogal Evolution / #38 - What I Learned from the Most Terrifying Episode of My Life

Transcript

#38 - What I Learned from the Most Terrifying Episode of My Life · Brandon Fogal Evolution

• 0:00
  There shall be no hook, hook in this video.
• 0:03
  This is going to be, I'm actually going to wait a little bit just so everybody
• 0:06
  can clear out because this, this is not going to be a video I look back on and am proud that I made.
• 0:12
  So I'm going to wait till just everybody kind of leaves the room,
• 0:17
  leaves the room, give a little bit of time, you know, because this is not one
• 0:21
  I am, like I said, proud at all about making.
• 0:24
  And I don't want it to be too bleak and too miserable for anyone out there,
• 0:28
  but it's actually just going to be from my heart as much as I can,
• 0:33
  maybe a little theatrics.
• 0:35
  You know, I always do that, but I'm going to try not to do that.
• 0:38
  I'm going to try to tone it down.
• 0:39
  I'm just going to give real raw emotion, how I feel about just in generalities
• 0:45
  in life and my outlook on the world, which is coming from a weird, awkward place.
• 0:53
  And awkward is my middle name. Awkward is my middle name. So I understand that.
• 0:58
  So it's just going to be really, and I know people don't want to hear rant and
• 1:02
  this isn't about people.
• 1:03
  This isn't about people out, anyone listening to this whatsoever.
• 1:07
  And I, and I, that's why I almost want to kind of just clear the room,
• 1:10
  you know, and so that my, my retention rate is one second pop and then just
• 1:15
  one second pop and just, just down the, down the tubes because retention in
• 1:20
  this video is not about at all what I care about.
• 1:23
  And it's just really just a way for me to express myself because I almost need
• 1:26
  to just get this out there and put it out there for all anyone that's even still here.
• 1:31
  You know, you can check out, check out. This is, I'm going to make videos.
• 1:34
  I'm going to continue to make videos and make content, but this is not one of
• 1:36
  them for anyone just to see and enjoy because I don't think anyone in their
• 1:41
  right mind could enjoy this.
• 1:43
  But I will say this, that if you are looking at this video and you're listening
• 1:47
  to this, you're hearing me speak and you can put anything in the comments to
• 1:50
  kind of change or challenge what I'm saying, I would love to hear it. I want to hear it.
• 1:56
  Throw it in there. If you can hang on to me, hang on to this video for what
• 2:01
  it is, and you can put something in the comments to kind of just counter what I'm saying.
• 2:06
  I actually dare anyone to put in the comments to counter what I'm about to say.
• 2:12
  And if people are out there that just heartily agree with me,
• 2:15
  that's only going to make me sadder.
• 2:17
  That's only going to make me sadder and more just.
• 2:21
  In the dumps than I already am. And it's not even about me being in the dumps.
• 2:26
  Who gives a flying whatever about me being in the dumps?
• 2:32
  And I don't want to get ugly in the words I use, but I'm just going to basically just speak.
• 2:38
  And no one cares about you and no one understands.
• 2:42
  And rather, I wanted to phrase it like this. No one understands you and no one cares.
• 2:47
  That's actually the way I wanted to phrase it, because that is the way that
• 2:50
  I see this world, this world.
• 2:53
  And this is, I'm coming to it from a point of view of it's Edgar Allan Poe,
• 2:58
  Jean-Paul Sartre, philosophers throughout time, and just their bleak understanding
• 3:05
  of this world and how they see it.
• 3:07
  And I'm, it's like the deconstructionism that I am seeing in my own life and
• 3:13
  in my own outlook on everyone.
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  And I will say this up front, I am a Christian. Obviously, anyone who listens
• 3:19
  to my content, they understand that I'm a Christian. So I come at it from that
• 3:23
  point of view and that perspective.
• 3:24
  But also, I am seeing things through a very, very dark lens,
• 3:30
  a very dark lens of how I see people.
• 3:33
  And even within the church, even within the church of Christian community,
• 3:36
  even in my own family, the closest people to me, it's no one understands and no one cares.
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  No one understands and no one cares. So that's why I obviously,
• 3:48
  as the Christian mantra that I am, I want to promote the best out there, to give the best.
• 3:55
  If I'm not doing something good for the kingdom, don't do it at all.
• 3:57
  So obviously I'm counteracting everything that I wholeheartedly believe.
• 4:02
  But this video is basically about a rant of how I see everyone in this world.
• 4:08
  Everyone. Because it's like, we come at it that we are the stars of this universe
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  that we have, that we are living in.
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  We are the stars of the show of our life.
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  And everyone else we maybe is another channel that we can turn on, turn off.
• 4:23
  And I want to tune in for a little bit and see what's going on over here.
• 4:27
  Or do I just want to turn it off and not care at all?
• 4:29
  But rather, I mean, really everything is just a show. Everything is just a movie.
• 4:34
  And you're, you, whether you want to watch their movie going on,
• 4:37
  what's going on over there, you can check it out, you know, and get bored.
• 4:40
  I'm going to turn them off. Or this person, they got a good show going on.
• 4:43
  They're creating some YouTube content. You know, that's a more apt version of
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  it in our life, in our lifetime right now, where we're at in this kind of venue
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  that we live, that we're living in this venue of life that we are living in right now.
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  It's just, they, they got their channel going and, and it's just their life,
• 5:01
  how they are living life and whether I want to be a part of it or not.
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  But really, I don't care. I'm only concerned about my own show.
• 5:08
  I really don't care what's going on with them. And I really don't care genuinely, wholeheartedly.
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  Get close to them. What's going on with them actually get close.
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  Cause I mean, we can, so I see it from the world's perspective.
• 5:21
  Oh, fudge. It might've cut out. I don't even know. I don't want to see myself
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  on the screen. Who cares?
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  It might cut out. I don't know how soon it cut out or whatever,
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  but am I seeing things like from their perspective?
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  How close do I want to get to people? And I see it as no one wants to get close at all to anyone.
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  And people that are getting close to someone is doing it for their self interest
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  and their own ambition, their own desires, and really what it makes them feel.
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  Everything is so about me, me, myself, and I.
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  And I know this goes against everything out there in the world.
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  Everything's got to be uplifting.
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  Everything's got to put the brightest face on it.
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  You don't want to do anything that will go against the norm of society and the
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  norm of culture. You don't want to challenge or go against the grain.
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  You got to just, just be a good boy, be a good, a good Christian and not say,
• 6:13
  it keeps cutting out. Whatever.
• 6:15
  This video is going to be cut in and out, whatever technology is, is what it is, you know?
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  And maybe that's what it, maybe that's what it's supposed to be.
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  Maybe it's something to kind of just start D just jacking up my,
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  my view needs something needs to change.
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  I'm just going to keep going. Everybody is living in their own channel.
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  And rather we look at outside of what's going on and whether I want to have
• 6:43
  anything to do with someone.
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  I think it's all about me, myself, and I. Everything, that's all it is, you know?
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  Even within the church, even within Christianity, that's how I feel.
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  It's like no one really wants to get to know you or get close to you.
• 6:59
  And I think it is our natures. We are what we are, you know? We only...
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  I don't think we have it within us to like really want to be close to anyone
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  and maybe there are people out there but like really really are you really close
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  to people in your in your social circle in your and the who you are live with
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  are you really are you do they really care about you,
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  i mean to me i i know this is like this is why this is a dark place and hopefully
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  it gets buried in the corner of the internet which it will i'm sure it will
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  that's why i'm not not too scared about even putting this out there.
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  I'm not scared at all, actually, about putting it out there.
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  I'm just always hesitant.
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  You always got the voice in the back of your mind, what you're doing and what
• 7:43
  you're making and how you're living your life.
• 7:45
  It's your witness or whatever. But I mean, at the end of the day, God sees who I am.
• 7:50
  God knows who I am. God knows what I'm going through, what I feel and how my outlook in life.
• 7:54
  And you can look at me and you say, feel sorry or whatever, or you just say,
• 7:57
  oh man, he's got it completely wrong.
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  But seriously, put it in the comments if you disagree, you know,
• 8:02
  if you disagree genuinely,
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  if you truly from a Christian and a non-Christian perspective and that different,
• 8:08
  those different worldviews, if you disagree with what I'm saying and that people
• 8:11
  aren't that bleak and dark and just that self-interested, let me know.
• 8:16
  I would love to hear it because it's, to me, it's just, it's,
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  I just go, go back, go back to it.
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  You know, No one really cares.
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  No one really cares, you know?
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  And I think that it's like, to me, that's why it's like, that's what it is on this side of eternity.
• 8:38
  Maybe that's what it is, you know? Because no matter, like almost that we don't
• 8:43
  have it within us to genuinely care about like anyone else, because I look at
• 8:47
  other people and I couldn't be further away from.
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  Everyone because no one genuinely wants to like get close to you at all, you know?
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  And I might be toxic. I might be nuclear.
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  You don't want to touch it. I'm like a nuclear rod. You don't want to touch whatever.
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  But it's like, I'm just, I'm, I'm tired of the facade or whatever that's just
• 9:08
  superficial life that we live in.
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  And we have to put on the base for, we have to put on a good face so that we
• 9:15
  stand out and so that we look like we got it together in this world so that
• 9:19
  we can have a business so that we can have people, you know, it's all a PR show.
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  It's all politically correct PR madness that we're living.
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  And that's all it is. It's like, and I know I get fired. I know I get intense.
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  I know I get like, so you can't, like, if you can't look, I hope that no one's even still here.
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  I hope no one's even still watching this. I hope no one even checks in.
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  And I'm glad that they don't. I'm glad that they don't. But it's a video that
• 9:43
  I had to make because it's how I genuinely am seeing things.
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  I'm genuinely looking at people because I know Christians are doing the best they can.
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  I know Christians are trying to do the best they can, but I don't think that
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  we have it within us to actually care about others.
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  Wholeheartedly, as in get close to them, live life, actually live life with them.
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  And I think I'm just seeking something that I think only heaven can fulfill,
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  that only God's presence can fulfill, only remaking our natures completely can fulfill.
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  And that's what makes me see everything so bleak and so dark and so just tragic.
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  I know that, but it just seems that this is kind of what it is and how it is,
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  you know, life is what's happening. Why does it keep getting disconnected?
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  I mean, this could be, I mean, I could say, I could say it could be God trying
• 10:41
  to tell me not to make this, not to, cause it keeps cutting off my microphone.
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  But I also go to like where I think Satan's the prince of the power of the air,
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  but like, why would he want to stop me from making something so dark and ugly
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  and putting something out there that's such a horrible witness.
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  To me, it's just, I'm going to make what I make.
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  I'm going to put out what I'm going to put out and let the cards fall where they may.
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  Maybe someone else out there might see that and tell me and just say,
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  change my opinion, change my outlook, correct me, show me the right way.
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  But it's not, you could correct me. You could try to instruct me.
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  You could try to prove me wrong and make me look like an idiot and make me look stupid, whatever.
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  That's not going to change the fact of what i'm saying no one
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  truly cares no one truly cares i don't think we have it within us too i think
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  but we don't have it within us too like it's like no one understands you no
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  one really understand you and no one cares enough to understand you you individually you you.
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  I'm not talking to the masses. I'm talking to you. No one really understands you.
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  And everyone is so self-interested that they don't, it's all about what angle can I get out of you?
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  It's what, out of what, you know, I mean, that's how, that's how it feels.
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  That's how it definitely feels.
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  It's, it doesn't, it's like, I think this is just realism versus idealism,
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  because I think, I think the realism is what I'm saying.
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  This is, and I would, like I said, tell me if I'm wrong.
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  Put in the comments, say that I'm wrong. But like, that's the thing. It's just comments.
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  It's just, it's just someone saying something to you.
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  If even somebody had the, the gumption to say it, or we're just to,
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  just to come into and just to try to, Hey, correct me brother or whatever.
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  But it's like, people just say words. It's not actually getting close to you
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  and having a heart to heart and living life with you.
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  It's not, it's, it's about, it's talking at you. And so many people just talk
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  at you for, and from where, from so many different places, wherever they're
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  at, they say words and they say at you or whatever they speak in general.
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  He's not speaking to anyone, but it like, it goes to you, but them actually
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  getting close to you never actually happens.
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  It never actually happens, you know? And I think it's just, it's societal norms
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  and societal reality that we live in.
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  It's impossible to be genuinely close to you. Like, even like me talking with
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  the people that are closest to me and I'm, it's, it's, it's a mirror.
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  I'm looking at them, but I'm seeing me and I'm, I'm doing the same things to
• 13:22
  them that they're doing to me.
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  But it's, this is a hopeless, a hopeless journey, a hopeless rant that I'm saying,
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  but I almost had to say it.
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  Like, and I could be all Christianese and say whatever, say the nice things
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  and do something to tear, like, but I got to call a spade a spade.
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  I got to say what I think, how I feel. I gotta like let because I want if it
• 13:45
  if I'm wrong prove me wrong.
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  Show me that I'm wrong. Like genuinely show me that I'm wrong.
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  And I would love to do the same.
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  But it's like people always want to just keep you at arm's length so much.
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  People like want to speak, but like not actually to you or not actually with you.
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  You know, it's always at a distance.
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  Keep you away. I'm going to live my life. You're going to be a channel that I turn on and off.
• 14:13
  You're going to be a show that I sometimes want to tune into.
• 14:16
  But it's not that I actually want to live life and be with you and be close
• 14:20
  to you and actually know what is actually making you tick is what is actually
• 14:26
  makes you feel what you feel.
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  It's all a facade. It's all just like superficial BS.
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  That's all it is. That's all it is.
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  But if I'm wrong, explain it to me. but I mean, it won't actually hit home or
• 14:45
  change my mind unless you come and be with me.
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  And if you come and actually live life with me, it actually come and get close
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  with me and prove me wrong.
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  Saying things, like I'm doing myself right now, like I do my life is just saying
• 15:03
  things, talking, just saying words and just letting it go out there and it does what it does.
• 15:10
  But it's not actual heart-to-heart close with anybody. We can't be that.
• 15:15
  The only person that knows us intimately is God.
• 15:19
  You know? And I think what I'm wanting is just what's on the other side of this
• 15:24
  life, which is transparency and openness, you know, and actually being close with God.
• 15:30
  And then like when being close with others, that'll be a time that I think it
• 15:34
  actually can happen when we're with him, that it will actually happen.
• 15:38
  And it's like right now, I want that now, but I just don't think it's possible.
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  And I'm convinced of it now.
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  I'm actually utterly convinced of it now. It's impossible.
• 15:48
  We can't have closeness with each other in this life. It's all about just, I know this is bleak.
• 15:54
  There's not going to be an upside because there's no one else even here listening.
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  I am the only person that actually does listen to me is God.
• 16:00
  And even then, he probably thinks it's too stupid to even listen to it at times,
• 16:05
  so I'm sure he kind of tunes me out.
• 16:06
  But everyone else, they're just living their life, doing their thing,
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  and that's that's what it is.
• 16:13
  You know, that's what it is. That's all this life is. And that's all it can be.
• 16:16
  It feels like, but if anyone can prove me wrong, that'd be awesome. That'd be awesome.
• 16:21
  I'm sure a lot of things cut out right there during this, but hopefully I'll leave it.
• 16:25
  What it is, what it is, you know, sometimes I splice it up and so that there's
• 16:28
  no, any, no points where it's like open dead air, but whatever,
• 16:33
  I might just post it as is, but that's how I feel.
• 16:36
  If anyone, that was a raw Unfiltered version of me How I feel And I know I repeated
• 16:42
  probably the same things Over and over and over But hopefully enough people
• 16:46
  Left the room Just me waiting At the beginning So,
• 16:51
  I don't know We'll just end at that.