Latest / Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute / 71: Why Can't My Partner See the Good?

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71: Why Can't My Partner See the Good? · Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute

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  Hey everybody. OK, so I've got a question for
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  you. If you're the betraying partner,
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  have you been frustrated with the fact that you know that
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  you're doing some things the right way?
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  Like you're like my partner's been requesting me to do
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  something specifically saying, hey, this would be helpful in
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  recovery, or I need you to do this different, or just whatever
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  type of request that exists. And you're like, I'm getting
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  this right and she just can't see it.
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  Why can't she see the things that I'm getting right?
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  Let's talk about that a little bit today because we got Alana
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  joining us. And this is a bonus episode.
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  By the way, welcome to Beyond the Facade podcast.
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  I'm your host, Luke Gordon, and I'm thrilled to have you join me
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  in the space today. What we're going to be doing is
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  diving deep into the trials and triumphs and truths of seeking
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  authenticity. Becoming your true self isn't
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  about a single action or a moment.
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  It's a relentless pursuit, a commitment to self that reveals
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  a rich connection and meaning that our life has to offer.
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  So whether this is your first time tuning in or you're a
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  regular listener, know this. What you're building here goes
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  beyond a conversation. You're here to challenge, to
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  change, and to celebrate the incredible journey of becoming
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  your authentic self. Because when you dare to show up
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  fully, the rewards are immeasurable.
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  So welcome to be on the facade. Let's get started.
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  So Alana, I want to share something with you that I wanted
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  you to weigh in on. Not share it with you, but weigh
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  in on the subject because it's been hitting for a few guys.
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  This thought, which is why has my partner been requesting me to
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  do something differently. They would create some safety,
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  but she's not really acknowledging that I'm doing it
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  and I can actually have proof and she still can't see it.
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  I wanted to throw this through the lens of seeking safety and
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  also what betrayal trauma produces, which is a in a very
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  appropriate way to look for danger.
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  And I'll compare this to going on a hike.
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  So if I'm going, if I decide me and you are going to go on a
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  hike, you and the listener and we're headed up through the
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  mountains and we're observing the beauty of the hike.
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  Like we could see the scenery, we can see the mountains, the
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  flowers just looks really good and we're just able to see it.
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  And all the sudden as we're going along the way, what could
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  what we come across is a Mountain Lion.
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  Mountain lions show up here in Utah, by the way.
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  So this is not all the time, but it happens because they're here.
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  And if you've ever seen a Mountain Lion before up close,
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  they look very powerful, extremely powerful.
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  You can see all their muscles, especially if they're crouching,
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  if they're about to attack, pray.
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  It's a pretty intimidating experience like any any wild
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  animal wood. And you can kind of imagine that
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  if you were in that situation, if you survive, you surviving
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  it. The end of being OK, you headed
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  back down the mountain. You wouldn't see the same stuff.
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  You would probably recognize that heading back down the
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  mountain, all those things you saw in the beginning, how pretty
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  the mountainside is, the birds that were chirping, just the
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  flowers, all that kind of stuff. Not going to be visible.
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  You're not going to be able to see it because you're going to
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  be wondering where that lion is. You're going to be wondering,
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  will I survive? You'll be scared all the way
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  down. And I think about the men that I
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  work around and and myself of like, why can't she see the
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  things that are going well and just recognize her brains job
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  right now is to sense for danger is to sense like where is the
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  danger? Where is it coming from that
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  what is going to happen next and how appropriate that is.
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  So anyway, a thoughts on the Solana?
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  Yeah, that's a great analogy. I haven't heard that.
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  And I am like, when I go on hikes, I'm like, oh, look at
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  that little wildflower and look at the butterfly.
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  And that is totally me. And yeah, if I saw up close a
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  wild animal and then I didn't see where it went, I didn't know
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  where the danger was. If it could pop out again, I
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  would not be in that like airy light seeing all of the good
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  place. I would be absolutely scanning
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  constantly. So great analogy.
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  And yeah, when AB trade partner goes through betrayal, their
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  brain constantly is scanning for am I safe?
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  Am I safe, Am I safe? And sometimes when we use those
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  words, that partner who is seeking recovery or the partner
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  who's acted out of their values, that partner almost will equate
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  this, am I safe to like a physical safety?
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  And they're like, yeah, you're safe.
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  I'm not. I'm not going to like a beat you
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  up and I'm not going to emote or I'm not going to physically hurt
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  you. So why are you saying safety?
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  And it's talking about an emotional safety.
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  Am I emotionally safe with you? That's the part the brain is
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  constantly assessing for. Are you going to hurt me again?
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  Because one of the number one fears I see AB trade partners is
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  feeling pain again. They go, I can never feel this
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  level of pain again. I wouldn't wish this pain on my
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  worst enemy. And so everything gets tainted
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  through that lens of questioning, am I safe?
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  Yeah, and that person, we would never expect somebody that went
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  back down the mountain after seeing a Mountain Lion to go.
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  Why can't you see the scenery? Why can't you notice how
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  beautiful it is around here? I can't notice the good things
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  when we know like, yeah, that's not what I'm going to be focused
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  on. Trying to get that person to see
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  that and notice that is not very kind.
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  Well, and a betrayed brain who's listening to this probably is
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  going to go, yeah, But it wasn't a wild animal.
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  It was the one person that I thought I could trust.
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  It was the person that I was trusting.
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  When I turned my back, they stabbed me in the.
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  Back. Thanks.
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  And they left me bleeding. That's the person I have to walk
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  back down the mountain with, and then you want me just to be
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  holding your hand and skipping and being everything is OK you.
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  Want me to enjoy the hike? Yeah, so not only am I scared
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  that it's going to happen again, and I'm scared of what the
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  future holds, but I'm injured, I'm hurt, and you are the person
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  that I thought I could trust. So it goes a lot deeper.
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  Something else kind of outside of this analogy on where my
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  brain went is I will see a lot of times the person who has
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  betrayed looking for some kind of outcome, they're looking for
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  a instant results. If I do this and they respond in
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  this way, then we're good. But if I do this and they don't
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  respond positively, then that was bad.
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  And so those that instant result seeking can get you really in
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  trouble because AB trade partner is not going to instantly be OK,
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  is not going to instantly see the good, is not going to
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  instantly have trust back. That has to be rebuilt.
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  It's not restored. It has to be rebuilt over time.
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  So that's one area where I see problems.
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  And then the other problem that I see is the person who's acted
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  out a lot of times is seeking validation or credit for the
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  good. And that energy of I am doing
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  this, therefore I would like you to validate me or I am doing
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  this and I want credit for it. You are taking from the other
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  person energetically. And so that energy, it's now
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  you've shifted it from I am living my life and I'm just
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  doing these things because they're value based and that's
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  who I am to. I am doing these things.
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  And now I need you to respond to react in this way.
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  And that energy is, it's funny because I want to say like a
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  dirty energy, like a darker energy, it's an energy that's
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  taking instead of giving. And so even that around, it
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  makes it harder for the B trade partner to lean in to feeling
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  trust in that, in those behaviors and trust that those
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  are moving forward out of pure intentions and true growth and
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  healing versus just trying to manipulate your partner's
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  feelings or to fix the outcome or fix them versus true change
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  happening. Yeah, yeah.
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  And usually it's done. We talked about a window of
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  tolerance. Usually it's done when a person
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  has a low gas tank, like low energy, like not much fuel in
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  their tank. And then they have their partner
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  and they really need that validation.
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  So they have a hard time and they're seeking that energy from
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  somebody else because they can't get it with friend with inside
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  themselves. OK, Anyway, just want to share
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  this analogy with you. I know this is a bonus episode.
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  And the purpose of this was why, why can't they recognize the
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  good? Why can't they see the other
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  pieces of it? And so can I give a piece of
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  advice? Yeah.
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  And usually when I give advice, I like to start by saying, hey,
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  this is your advice, But my advice is really keep doing the
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  good that you're doing in your recovery work because that's
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  part of your values. Keep doing those actions and be
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  consistent with them and let go of the outcome.
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  And as you shift your energy around it, and as you give
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  compassion and empathy for your partner to be wherever they need
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  to be coming down that mountain, as you do that and you stay
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  consistent, that's how the trust is built back over time.
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  Yeah, Thank you for saying that. All right, everybody, It was
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  good to spend time with you. Talk to you next time.
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  Hi, this is Hallie Roderick and I want to personally invite you
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  to join me and our team for the upcoming Courage to Thrive
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  intensive happening October 14th through the 17th in beautiful
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  Spanish Fork, UT. This four day experience is
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  designed specifically for women who have experienced betrayal
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  and are ready to take the next courageous steps on their
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  healing journey. Whether you're just beginning to
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  process the pain or you've been navigating this journey for
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  years, this intensive will give you practical tools, supportive
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  guidance, and somatic practices to help you reconnect with your
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  body, set healthy boundaries, and reclaim control over your
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  life. By the end of our time together,
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  you'll leave with a renewed sense of hope, strength, and
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  purpose, ready to step forward with courage and confidence,
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  knowing betrayal no longer defines your life.
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  If you feel called to take this next step, please check the show
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  notes for all the details. I would love to welcome you to
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  this upcoming transformative experience.
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  Hey, thanks for joining us today.
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  If this is something that you connected with, I'd love to meet
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  with you more and talk about it. So what you can do is go to
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  chooserecoveryservices.com or check the show notes and there
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  what we can do is set up a quick conversation.
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  Thanks so much for listening to Beyond the Facade where we
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  unmask the update itself.