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Online Dating Can Work For You · Authentic Living

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Welcome
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to authentic living.
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We Roxanne on Global Voice Radio.
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Join Roxanne Derhodge and her thought provoking conversations.
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The catalyst to live your life to the fullest
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Hi, everyone.
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It's Roxanne Durgesh again.
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The author of the therapist inside his guide, healing the past.
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And today, I have an amazing, guest that I've, probably known over 25 years.
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Louise Mercier Sadler.
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And, Luis is, graciously, allowed us to time today to come in and talk a bit about, her
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experience with online dating, but I'm gonna tell you a little bit about her background and,
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so that you can know what Luis brings to the table.
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She's a re respected psychotherapist and hypnotherapist who brings over 25 years of
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clinical experience in the human services field.
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And is the founder of vibrant life consulting.
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She has worked with individuals, couples, families, and groups specializing in addictions
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treatment and has also worked as a presenter speaking to large companies on various topics
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related to wellness.
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She's a graduate of the University of Toronto, and works in various, modalities such as
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solution focused and brief intervention.
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She is a member of the registered psychotherapist in Ontario, the National Guild
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of Hypnifist and an affiliate associate of the interior association of, counselors and
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consultants.
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Her approach is client centered and solution focused, providing clients with a highly
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supportive environment where they can develop strategies to empower themselves to achieve
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growth and success.
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So welcome welcome, Luis.
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Thanks, Roxanne.
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So how are you today?
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Actually quite good.
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Good.
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Good.
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So so, this topic obviously is something that, I know that when I get interviewed, on dating,
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you know, obviously most people wanna talk about, romantic relationships.
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Absolutely.
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You know, and unfortunately with what we know out there with, with, you know, separations,
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divorces, about 60%, 1st marriages even higher when second marriages that end in divorce.
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Or separation.
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There's a lot of people out there trying to, meet someone.
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Right?
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Similar to the days where you and I were, you know, at UFT and could kinda, you know, meet
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people in her class and and pubs and things like that.
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We're at a different stage.
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So I thought your topic, and your experience would be quite interesting, for my listeners.
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So I wanted you to tell, just to just to tell me a little bit about yourself and then tell me
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a little bit about, some of the things that you've learned about online dating, with your
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experience.
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Okay.
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Well, I'm, obviously, I have I have I was married.
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I had I was one of those statistics.
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I was I had my first marriage.
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I was married for approximately 19 years, and then that ended.
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And, I have 2 children from that marriage, a twenty three year old son and a nineteen year
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old daughter, Eastern College, and my sons also in postsecondary.
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You know, I live in, in a small town, and, I have since remarried.
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And, yes, I did meet my, my husband online.
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So and that, that whole situation was quite a surprise to me.
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I if you had said to me, you know, 10 years ago, I this was going to be how my life played
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out, I would've I would've looked at you quite strangely and thought, okay, there's something
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going on.
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Yeah.
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I don't know what you're talking about.
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So it's not something that I certainly anticipated.
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But that's kind of the way it worked out.
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So that's that's, you know, obviously, I know your story, but I think the the listeners would
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be quite intrigued because the average demographic out there, you got, you know, every
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possible site and, you know, a lot of people out there with different needs and, you know,
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casual hookups, and some people are looking for relationships.
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Some people are just wanting to maybe take someone out to an event, those types of things.
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So there's a lot out there.
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So that said, when we kinda go into a situation and we can kind of vet potentially someone if
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we're going on a date, but online, there's a lot of other variables.
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I would say that come into play.
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So tell me tell me about about your experience and kind of some of the variables or things
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that you learned, in in chatting with people online.
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Okay.
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So so I need to clarify that.
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I wasn't on any dating site.
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When I when I met you know, the guy who's who had ended up, you know, the man who'd ended up
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being my husband, my second husband, I was on Facebook.
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Actually, we met on Facebook on one of the social apps, not the dating apps.
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And the reason I was, sort of on Facebook was because, at that point in time, I was still, I
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was still married, although things weren't going well.
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And, you know, there was no engagement from from my partner.
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And I'm a very social person.
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And in order to avoid problems, just so happened.
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My sister-in-law sent me an invitation to Facebook, and I ended up on Facebook on one of
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the social labs and, you know, this, this gentleman sent me a message, and we started
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just chatting back and forth, just for that engagement, for that, social and intellectual
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engagement.
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So, you know, but once once things were there.
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You know, once things had had gotten to the point where, you know, I was no longer with my
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partner, my my first partner.
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There were there were some concerns that absolutely.
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You know, I mean, you read in articles all the time about things to be wary of.
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Things to look out for, you know, the, the, the, the, the lists of, you know, he, he may
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not be for real or he might be a player or they might be a player if, you know, and there's the
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whole list of things.
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So, you know, I mean, It's not like I was looking for anybody, but, you know, having had
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the the the friendship develop, these were things that were sometimes playing in the back
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of my, my head, you know, and things that I, you know, wasn't completely concerned about,
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but certainly there were things that, I was paying attention to.
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What kind of things were you paying attention to?
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So It was a social app.
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Alright?
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You you, like, you were out you're, obviously, the marriage was, and the process and or ending
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or it was ending, which was still in the same home.
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Well, that's pretty much the way off you.
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So and like you said, you kinda, you know, out there, the well intentioned people that are
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dating and online and not without bad stories, because I know I know you've heard them.
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I've heard them in my practice.
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Then there must have been things kinda going through your mind, like you said, about player
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and, you know, as he is and all that that chatter.
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Right?
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What how did you kind of, you know, connect and strain out some of those things?
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Or not because I'm gonna assume that some of that was kinda real.
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Right.
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So one of the first things that occurred to me was, is this guy, because you know, just to put
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some context to it.
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We weren't able to, to do the, the, the face to face thing because, you know, Zoom didn't
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exist.
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Skype didn't exist, even that MSN Messenger didn't exist at that point.
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So really the only, the, the first little bit of, of communicating was was by writing only
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was by by the, the text messaging, those apps, that sort of thing, and exchanging emails So
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one of the first considerations was, you know, is this guy who he says he is?
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Mhmm.
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Right?
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Is is you know, is this what he really looks like?
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Right?
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Because we hear about those stories where
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Right.
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Right.
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Right.
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What what you think you get the end isn't what you truly get.
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So that was one of the things.
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And so the only thing that could, you know, that that the way that played out or or
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resolved itself was that at some point, you know, Messenger did develop, or MSN did develop
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the, the face to face, platform where you could communicate by by webcam.
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So, at some point, that what happened.
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And indeed, he that, you know, what what he was was what he say was, or at least in terms of
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the physical appearance.
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The other thing
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so let me ask let me interject there for a second.
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So how long was it that you actually were dialoguing or writing back and forth because
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before physically you seeing him like you were seeing me right now?
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I if I recall correctly, because it was a while ago, probably about 4 months.
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4 months.
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So that's that's a that's a pretty long time.
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It is.
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Right.
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So let's go back.
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Let's back up again because I, you know, I'm gonna assume because I know I'm curious.
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So I'm gonna assume people listening.
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I'm curious too.
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Okay.
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With the with the back and forth, what is it that was coming back and forth that kind of
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made you think, you know, obviously, he's interesting enough.
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Yeah.
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Right, that you wanted the back and forth.
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What else?
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What what else was happening?
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Because, you know, this kind of brings back back to the times when, you know, you think of
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love letters,
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Mhmm.
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Or or pen pals or whatever, right, where we didn't have the instantaneous things like we
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said, like, you know, that we could see somebody or be able to engage with them
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quickly.
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So tell me kinda what's what kind of things you started to notice, and intuitively, what made
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you want to continue to engage, or maybe maybe there were other people that you chatted with
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that and fell off that you can give us, maybe, context on that app.
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So, you know, what part of that was the, you know, the actual, the engagement, the, and the
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fact that we could you know, discuss anything, art, books, you know, I think that's one of our
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first conversations was regarding the book that I had read.
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I recommended it to him.
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He went out and got it and read it, and then we had a chat about that.
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So it was that, but just that intellectual initially, it was the intellectual engagement
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about just a variety of topics and the fact that we could have those conversations.
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And our conversations sometimes were, were fairly lengthy, given, you know, our time
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constraints because at the time, he was living in England.
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So there was a 5 hour time difference, but, you know, just that, that ability to share, you
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know, to, to be able to be open and to say what you thought and just having that that mental
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father, so to speak, you know, that, the, that stimulation of, of being able to talk to
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somebody at some, about something and having those those common interests.
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So that that was one of the things that kinda got me hooked in.
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So, you know, I know what emotional responsiveness then because it would oh, well,
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if he went out and bought that book, it has an indication that he's willing to do something,
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you know, more than just chatting with you at
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that point.
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Absolutely.
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You know, there he obviously, he wanted that engagement.
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And, so there was that piece.
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There was also you know, the the one of the first things that the the thing that kinda made
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me, made me kinda that got me at the beginning was, he had sent a message and he quoted
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literature, right?
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And, and, again, I wasn't out there looking for anything.
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So one of the when and, and, unfortunately, you know, even though my involvement on Facebook
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wasn't for that purpose, you do get people messaging you and all that.
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And we all hear about pictures being sent, and and I was that wasn't my I wasn't interested in
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any of that.
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So when so when, he sent me a message and he quoted literature, I kinda did more than He
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wasn't your typical kinda situation.
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Right?
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And so I thought, oh, this guy's different.
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And, and so I I sent back a message.
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And then, and then there was that banter.
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There were almost, a mental bantering, the, you know, the sparring that went back and forth,
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which further absolutely piqued my interest.
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And just in terms of, okay, this is somebody I could, I could really have fun debating with
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and having conversations with.
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And it's just it was just so much fun to, to be in a conversation, with this person.
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So that's the other thing that kind of attracted me.
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And then it was And then as we got to know each other, it was being able to go anywhere with,
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you know, the they're really there was discomfort level.
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It was really strange.
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It didn't take very long.
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And, I felt like I known him forever.
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So let's talk about that comfort level because I think, obviously, myself, you know, with what
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I do.
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And, obviously, you're dealing with clients all the time.
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We're talking about a different type of comfort when it's meeting engaging in that way.
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It's it's more.
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Right?
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I mean, professionalism, is important with our clients, but when it talks about emotional, we
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talk we talk about a lot of different things, right?
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So again, you're coming off a separation after I know a lengthy period of time within your
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marriage.
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And obviously there's stuff there that obviously made the marriage and or one would
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assume you'd you'd still be with him.
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Mhmm.
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And then how how did you Did you compare and contrast?
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Yeah.
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Absolutely.
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Initially, and I don't think it's, you know, it's it's It's unusual for anyone, male or
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female, to to kind of contrast.
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And I hate to use the word compare, but I think I think I think that maybe not comparing, but
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when you've been with someone for such a long time, you know, there are certain imprints on
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you, right?
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There are certain things that become part of the norm or part of that experience.
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So when you move to the next situation or or potentially, you know, a potential situation.
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I think there's there's not an unconscious, but, but in the background.
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It's, you know, and there are things that sometimes they they're they're I, well, I like
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to call them shadows.
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There there's some things that all of a sudden, it feels a certain way, or, or you're like,
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okay, you know, sometimes you notice the presence of something.
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Good or bad, usually familiar.
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So, so, you know, for me, it was sometimes, you know, I was kind of paying attention to things
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that would give me the red flags around.
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Okay.
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This isn't the kind of relationship I wanna have, once we got to that point.
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But what but the other piece of it is is being aware of of the things that were different.
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And that's that's that's part of it, that comfort, right?
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So that's where created that comfort is seeing things like attentiveness.
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And, you know, really feeling like a priority and just that absolute, you know, he was very
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interested in what I had to say and, you know, very complimentary, but not in a, not in a
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patronizing way, but really recognizing my strengths, my talents, that sort of thing.
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And not afraid to to say it.
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Mhmm.
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So what you're saying then is you were able to kind of sift, obviously, when something ends,
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there's, I call it, Trapnell or imprints, whatever your shadows, like you call them.
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Maggage, you know, unfortunately, sometimes it's heavier than others.
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And you, you know, you try to get through it, but what I often say is that you know, when
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you're meeting something somebody new, you know, we're all putting our best foot forward.
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Right?
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When we're meeting someone, you know, new, you know, the honeymoon stage.
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Yeah.
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But what I hear is that because YouTube dialogue a lot, and wrote a lot that really you
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were getting into deeper kind of context or understanding of each other, right, that
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allowed you to really kind of it sounds like you you were listening on a on a deeper level.
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Absolutely.
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I don't know
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the things about that writing stage.
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And even even the the video stage, And I think it's a real positive.
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I mean, mostly a positive.
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I mean, the fact that we, we didn't, So so the reason it was a positive is that I remember, I
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remember, as as a young woman hearing about how decades ago, and at this point, would be
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centuries ago, that people, they weren't left alone in a room.
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There there was always a chaperone.
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And oftentimes, romances happened over distance.
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And the, the way that they happen, because the phone wasn't invented back then, was through
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correspondence.
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And I remember thinking that the young woman How do people do that?
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I mean, that's just strange.
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And, you know, because I, you know, I, I, I was born post sexual revolution.
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And I it just seemed a very strange concept to me to to be able to take it to know someone, at
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a distance to correspond to the song, but I tell you that that is definitely, possible.
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And in fact, I think it was one of the strengths of this situation, you know, of my,
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of, of my relationship because you know, in as much as there have been really lots of positive
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out of the sexual revolution, one of the things is that, that the detriment, I think, is that
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because of that piece, because of the engagement sooner or later, the physical
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engagements, and the development of sexual relationships, I think that people don't get to
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know each other.
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Some people, you know, don't get to know each other as well as they could, and they get
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caught up in that biochemical all those feelings, the physical piece, the, you know,
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the, the rush, you know, that whole, mood altering, things that happen when you engage
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sexually.
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And so we didn't have that.
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So we were forced to have conversations and the fact that we could continue to engage on a
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conversational level was, I think, you know, one of the strengths, right?
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Because what we know over the lifetime of people is that, you know, as much as we don't
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like to hear it, you know, the physical aspect, you know, waxes and wanes over time.
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And, you know, as get older, you get more into the companionate piece of the relationship.
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And so if you don't have those skills, if you don't have that ability to those conversations
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and to engage, at that level, you know, could have a serious impact on, on a relationship.
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So That piece of it was really quite, interesting for me as one of those.
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Oh, okay.
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And so And it was, one of those things that kind of was different and and really sort of
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made me interest did, made me go, okay.
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This, this is something that I, you know, I think I, I wanna keep moving forward with.
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So that, that's, that's quite fascinating because of what when you hear a lot of people
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online, even though people say they're looking for, you know, a relationship that that whole
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stance of, you know, meet the person a couple times and people get sexually active and then,
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you know, you know, with the with, like the neurochemicals that start happening with
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intimacy.
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People start to their their lens get skewed of the person.
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And then, you know, a lot of women have shared that with me, or even friends that then
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eventually it's, you know, it's like, 6, 7, 8 date and then it's done, mhmm, kind of thing.
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So what I hear is the difference being, that because you guys were really getting to know
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each other and, you know, physically or, you know, on other sides of, you know, you're
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across the pond, it really kind of facilitated a a kind of bit of a, like, a a friendship.
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Yes.
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Absolutely.
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I would say we were friends before anything else.
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And in fact, we were friends.
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I mean, initially, there was no discussion about, you know, getting together, and that was
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for the first I don't know, 6 months, I think.
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He had no idea of what was going on with me because it that's what that's not what what I
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it was about.
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It wasn't about, you know, trying to find someone else because just because for a lot of
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factors, right?
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And so, so yeah, that it's, it, it, it forced that, that I think what happens is in when
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you're having conversations, over, over, you know, whether it's written or, or over video.
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I mean, if, if a relationship, if there's no depth to it, right, you can only have those,
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those conversations, those, you know, glib.
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I don't even wanna, you know, those light conversations for so long, and then you ran out
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of things to say.
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If you really, if they're really, you don't know that.
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But what this did was, was what ended up happening was, you know, a forest or, or it
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really showed us the that we have the ability to have those deeper conversations.
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You know, there was more absolutely a friendship at the beginning.
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And then, and then, you know, when the when there was room, when circumstances changed,
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That's when the relationship changed, from one of friendship to and I think that was part of
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part of what created that that want for change on, on both sides is the fact that, we have
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that friendship.
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And there was certain level of intimacy.
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I wouldn't afraid to be honest with each other,
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you know, whether it was discussing a topic or just just stating how we were doing, what was
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going on, that sort of thing.
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So clearly, there are some do's and don'ts, online that I'm I'm hearing you articulate,
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quite nicely.
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And I I really I want you to if you can kinda give some some don'ts right now to people when
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they're engaging online.
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What would be some of the donuts that you would say to men when are women?
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Right?
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Because, I mean, it there's as equally as men out there that are single in it as a as are
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women.
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Well, don't what you tell them off the bat.
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You know?
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Okay.
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So so a few a few big ones are, don't don't be afraid to be yourself.
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I was I was you know, I went out there.
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And again, I I I mean, it might be different if you're actively looking for someone, but even
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then, even even if if that had been the case, I would say don't be afraid to be yourself.
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If if the person on the other and can't handle that, then, then they're not the person for
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you.
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Right?
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Because, you know, I I mean, I'm a firm believer of, you know, whether it be friends,
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partner, it doesn't matter, but those close to me, one of the most important things is they
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need to accept me for who I am, warts and all.
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And if someone, you know, early on can't handle who you are, then what's going to happen down
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the road.
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So that's that's number 1 is just be yourself.
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Number 2 is don't be in a hurry to get physical.
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I honestly feel that that really, really, has an impact.
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I've I've known of, young couples, who got together And it was wonderful and they and, you
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know, they started being sexually active early into the relationship and within months they
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were engaged and got married or moved in, made that commitment.
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And a year later, a year and a half, 2 years later, they're they've separated.
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And, and, you know, of course, I don't know the ins and outs of the situation, But I have to
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wonder how much of a factor that early sexual engagement has to do with that.
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And like you said, you have those rose colored glasses on.
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Right?
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It, it changes the lens of, of what you're seeing with that person.
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And do you really know the person that you're with?
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So I think that, you know, it nearly and that's one of the things that I understood you know,
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that I came to understand about those, you know, those relationships with bygone days
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where, where it was done by correspondence.
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They got to know each other.
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And so, because one of my, one of my questions was, well, how can how can you marry somebody
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when you don't really know them?
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But Really, I was wrong.
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I, I, I, I had made a false assumption that they didn't because in my experience, they
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absolutely would have known each other as people.
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And then, you know, the hope would be that, you know, obviously they've met a few times and,
27:09
and or seeing the other pieces of the puzzle or, or the equation were there in terms of
27:14
being attracted or, you know, that sort of thing.
27:17
So that's that's another big one.
27:19
The other thing too is and it's it's, again, some of the stuff that that your your your
27:24
viewers would seem, you know, in in in a magazine, in an article, you know, things like,
27:32
and then these are some of the considerations that I have, right?
27:35
Because you do hear about people people being players, right, having a person in a variety of
27:42
places, that sort of thing.
27:44
Right?
27:45
A person in every port sort of thing.
27:48
And, but looking out for some of the signs of that or the opposite, Right?
27:55
And so, so be aware of those things.
27:58
Educate yourself around, you know.
28:00
What would be some of those signs to think about it?
28:02
Some of
28:02
those signs is only, you know, only being able to, you know, to have contact with you at a
28:07
certain point.
28:08
Usually, you know, like, 10, 11 o'clock at night late late in the evening, that sort of
28:14
thing.
28:16
You know, we're on the weekends.
28:18
Not you know, if, if you're if you've gone past the friendship stage and you're in a
28:23
relationship, you know, looking for if if they happen to introduce you to friends, you know,
28:30
or family, right?
28:33
Because those are indications of, you know, if, if those things aren't happening, if you're not
28:38
being introduced to family or friends, you know, if the other pieces aren't there, those
28:44
are might be might be indications that you're the dirty little secret.
28:49
Right?
28:49
And so those are and for me, they were because I've read some articles, not at the time but
28:56
previous, and it was just one of those things that were was in the back of my mind.
29:02
But it was and it wasn't like I was, you know, looking for it, but when it happened, it was
29:06
like, okay.
29:07
This guy is not ashamed of me.
29:09
And and I don't mean shame.
29:10
It it's like he's he's upfront.
29:12
He's for real because he's he's he's I'm out in the open.
29:17
So transparency, definitely, which we Yeah.
29:19
That's right.
29:19
That's the word.
29:20
Relationships, right, ultimately.
29:23
What we want to do is to have a bit of transparency.
29:25
But when you're starting to date, those things should really be looking once you kinda get
29:29
over the initial, well, we've got over the hump of the 6 time data, whatever.
29:34
Really that you're somehow having a fluidity where the person's allowing you to kinda see
29:39
into his life or vice versa.
29:41
To kinda, you know, slowly, not, you know, let's go to Sunday dinner at, you know, the
29:46
family's initial.
29:48
But but to know that, yeah, you know, I'd like you to come out you know, to the local pub and
29:53
meet my friends, or I'm going to a play, you know, or backyard barbecue that we pop in,
29:59
those types of things.
30:01
So kind of that a bit of inclusion starting to happen.
30:04
Yeah.
30:05
The person kind of is available, not, you know, if you're just dating that they don't have to
30:09
be available all the time, but, at least, you could be able to reach out to them if you
30:14
needed them at other times is what you're saying.
30:16
Right.
30:16
And it's not specific times.
30:18
You
30:18
know?
30:19
Okay.
30:19
Okay.
30:19
Okay.
30:20
It's it's open.
30:21
It's public.
30:22
It's Right.
30:23
There's that, again, that free flow because we're all busy, but, but it's not, or don't
30:27
call me here.
30:28
Don't don't, you know, don't call me at this time, or I can only talk to you at this time,
30:32
that sort of thing.
30:33
Alright.
30:33
So those are really some sub red flags in a way that people need to kind of look at.
30:38
We're truly you know, I think of, you know, when I was dating and you were probably dating,
30:43
you know, in our communities, we would know somebody that knew somebody the person that you
30:48
dated, right?
30:50
You know, I've gone on those days.
30:51
Like, I mean, in your example, you met somebody, you know, in a different, you know,
30:56
country.
30:57
So there's no kind of centers of reference.
30:59
Not that that makes it sounds very business like, but truly to some degree.
31:03
You could, you know, also and so's family.
31:05
This is their nephew blah blah that's gone, with a lot of things online.
31:10
So I hear you talking about is some of the basic things, really in developing, you know,
31:17
obviously, a relationship because, you know, what you need to to do clearly, and it sounds
31:23
like, yourself and your partner did that very well is started to really get to know the core
31:28
of each other's, the values, what, you know, what what's valuable to him, what's valuable to
31:33
you, your beliefs, potentially how you saw life.
31:38
Mhmm.
31:39
Kind of what does that other person dream about?
31:43
What's important to them Yeah.
31:46
All those things, you know, the priorities in life, priorities that work, you know, just all
31:53
that kind of, all that kind of information, you know, the, the stuff that's, you know, makes up
31:58
who they are and what makes them who they are and, and, you know, how they see the world and
32:05
how they see themselves in the world.
32:08
Just all that stuff that makes you kinda that makes you think about, you know, and you're
32:12
able to look at.
32:13
I'm not just look at, but, I mean, you get it.
32:15
There's, there's, there's, kind of a visceral sense as well.
32:19
But in terms of, okay, this person and I fit together.
32:23
When you say visceral, I want I mean, that's a big word to the average person that Right.
32:27
I would know because of the field we're in, but visceral is really meaning what's in your time.
32:32
I'm not feeling bad when I, you know, when I talked to you, like, we could have had those
32:36
conversations.
32:37
Right?
32:37
And and it could have been, you know, I could have said, oh, this is very, very nice, but
32:43
Yeah.
32:43
You know, I just but I at a feeling level, at a gut level, you know, thinking, you know, this
32:50
person fits with me.
32:51
They get me.
32:52
I get them.
32:54
Right.
32:54
It was really a match there.
32:56
And like I said, one of the things that caught me off guard, even before you went to the
33:02
video, the video communications was Like, like I said, I felt like I known him for years
33:11
already, which was very odd.
33:13
It was a very odd sensation.
33:15
Okay.
33:15
Okay.
33:15
So a bit of familiarity.
33:17
What we know is, and this is an interesting situation is that a lot of times, you know,
33:23
what is my gut really telling me?
33:25
Right?
33:25
I guess that's the question a lot of people struggle with.
33:28
When I meet someone, what is my is my gut Right?
33:33
Or is it wrong?
33:35
Mhmm.
33:35
And it sounds like, you know, you had some weeding out to do with your with your pass.
33:40
I'm sure there was a lot of positive things, but there may be worth negative things you
33:43
needed to weed out and then start to listen to that original gut.
33:48
So what we know in relationships is responsiveness, connection, safety, security,
33:55
transparency, some basics.
33:57
And those were and that's that's the thing.
33:59
That's what set the foundation for me, at least, was that the safety was there.
34:03
I could say what I needed to say could be who I was, and, and, and that was okay.
34:07
In fact, that was encouraged, and then that was part of, you know, he can tell me that was part
34:12
of the attraction on his part.
34:14
And that, that transparency.
34:16
Right?
34:16
So having had the safety, being able to say what I needed to say, be who I am and vice
34:21
versa, And then also the the over time, you know, initially, it was okay.
34:26
You know, we had we wanted to take our time.
34:30
Because I had said to him, you know, when he proposed a relationship, there was also that
34:34
thought about, okay, he's over there.
34:36
I don't know what he's doing.
34:37
I know what I'm doing.
34:37
I don't know what he's doing.
34:39
So which is some of the old stuff.
34:40
Right?
34:42
And, and, but also knowing, you know, I, I, this is not something I, I, want to let pass me
34:51
by.
34:51
Right?
34:51
I think that this this could really be you could really be someone spectacular.
34:58
So so all I did was it was, you know what?
35:00
All I can commit to is one visit at a time.
35:05
One step at a time.
35:07
So not getting too far ahead, which is really, again, another thing, you know, in in
35:12
relationship is to you're you were trying to get to know him you're developing that that
35:18
basis of a relationship.
35:19
And like you said, eventually, the honeymoon, you know, stage ends and you're going back to
35:25
those core things about, you know, what it means to be in a good relationship with you.
35:30
Does he have it?
35:31
Does she have it?
35:33
Yeah.
35:34
You know, what do they think about family?
35:35
What do they think about, you know, your older age together?
35:40
What do they think about get togethers, you know, all all those things, you kinda got to
35:45
know.
35:45
And then eventually, you know, as we know, within, you know, within 2 years of being
35:50
married to five to 10 to 15 to 2025, then it becomes, yes, sexuality and all those things
35:57
are are key because like bonds couples, but ultimately it's the companionate end to
36:02
relationship that becomes very, very key that's that ends up, you know, connecting people at a
36:08
a deep, profound level.
36:09
Makes sense.
36:10
Right.
36:11
Yeah.
36:11
Absolutely.
36:12
Right.
36:12
And through that, you know, through the, the, the discussion and, you know, you know, there
36:17
were some even before We went back and forth for 6 years before we got married and he moved
36:29
here.
36:30
So we were going at first.
36:31
It was every 8 weeks, and then it got got to the point with the last few years.
36:35
It was every other every month one of us was traveling.
36:38
So every other month, one of us was visiting the other and their respective homes in their
36:44
respective communities.
36:45
And so what that's, you know, even in that, in in the development of the relationship, you
36:52
know, there were issues that arose.
36:54
And, and one of the the big telling things was how we handled that together, how we navigated,
37:01
those difficult times, those difficult situations.
37:03
So because, to be honest, I I had no intention Well, I wasn't looking for anybody at the time,
37:13
when, when we met.
37:14
And, you know, I also, when we did meet, we got together and we realized that there was, you
37:23
know, there we really enjoyed each other's company and we really, well, we fell in love.
37:31
The, the thing for me was, you know, I, I had, I had said to myself, I was not gonna get
37:36
married again.
37:38
Right?
37:39
You know, if anyone's bitten twice shy sort of situation, but the thing that changed that for
37:45
me was the fact that in that going back and forth over the 6 years, and those opportunities
37:55
came up to deal with things.
37:57
We weren't afraid to get into the weeds as week.
38:00
We wanna we wanna free to get in there and talk about things and work it out.
38:05
And so you know, given that it was important for, for my husband, Michael, to to make that
38:16
that commitment.
38:20
So at that point, I thought, okay.
38:21
Well, sometimes it's a give and take, right?
38:23
So, you know, and then at his, at that point, looking at, what having had the the skills,
38:35
having feeling like we both have the skills that could navigate the difficult times because
38:42
we know that in relationships, you know, the easy times are easy.
38:45
You know, it's it the fun times, all that, but really what's important is, do you have skills
38:51
to get through those really difficult times.
38:54
Mhmm.
38:55
And so, you know, having seen that, plus recognizing how important it was for him to
39:01
make that commitment that's, you know, when I went ahead, but had, had the first piece not
39:10
been there, you know, the belief that, that the skills to navigate difficult times.
39:15
I I I wouldn't have married him.
39:17
Right.
39:18
So you're really talking about long term, qualities that, you know, for anybody that's
39:24
kind of looking in today or or listening in, you know, if they're looking for those things,
39:30
it's different if people are looking for more casual or whatever.
39:33
What we're talking about is if you're trying to find and in your case, you didn't you weren't
39:38
you didn't start off your journey trying to find someone, but inadvertently, you found, you
39:42
know, a life mate and, and a lovely kind of a relationship with him, by looking at the core
39:51
elements of what we know, we know with long term relationships, that what they are is the
39:57
ability and the capacity for either partner to to lean towards each other.
40:03
Versus away from each other and to continue to connect on a deep, profound level so that they
40:09
know what the other person is thinking or feeling at any given point.
40:12
That's it.
40:12
That's not easy.
40:14
No.
40:14
Because life gets in the way, but really to know that that's your that's your that's your
40:18
norm.
40:19
Right?
40:19
If you're kinda out of whack, you can, you can, you know, you kinda check-in and and make sure
40:24
that you're kind of on the same page with a person.
40:27
Right.
40:27
And and the ability to to, you know, if, you know, even, I mean, yeah, it's great if they,
40:33
if they can, you know, see things.
40:36
But even if you're not minimally being able to say, I'm out of whack today, or I had this
40:41
happen today and have the person be used to forward and say, okay, you know, either listen
40:45
or, or how can I help you?
40:46
What do you need from me?
40:48
That sort of thing.
40:50
Absolutely.
40:51
And and that and you're absolutely right in making that distinction.
40:53
I mean, if if all you wanna do is date, that's fine.
40:56
But still, it's about, you know, really looking at what are your needs because I think what I
41:01
hear a lot of times is I hear people say, Oh, I just wanna go out there and have fun, but
41:05
really what they're saying is, no, no, no, I, you know, I, I, I just wanna hook up, or I, I
41:14
really, you know, I'm saying I just wanna date or I just wanna hook up, but really what I'm
41:18
looking for is a lot of partners.
41:20
So being really clear, because what happens at that point is you're in Right?
41:23
And and the other, the other individual could pick that up at some level.
41:27
Right.
41:27
Right.
41:28
So I think I think what happens is that cryptocurrency piece you know, so, so
41:32
concurrency being, you know, you know, where your actions are in sync with.
41:39
You know, what what you're looking for.
41:42
Right?
41:42
And and that and that gut switch or that, you know, that GPS internally what I often think is
41:48
that people sometimes, don't slow down, or they don't spend enough long enough time with the
41:56
person on the date, date 10 or 15 or whatever to really see, okay, is what I'm feeling about
42:03
me and what I've been through, or is this really about that person in front of me?
42:07
And if, you know, again, with online dating or whatever, you can obviously, achieve those
42:15
things because you've talked about that.
42:17
Because, you know, 6 months or whatever before you're actually you're talking about things.
42:21
You're talking about day to day stuff.
42:24
Not unlike what we talked about with those, you know, times where you wrote love letters and
42:28
you you you talked and you you you you know, you created those kind of, landscapes for the
42:33
other person.
42:33
It's the same thing.
42:35
That I hear, happens or happens with yourself and your partner.
42:39
Yes.
42:39
Absolutely.
42:40
Yeah.
42:41
And that's the thing is, is you know, the biggest thing, well, and you, you touched on
42:45
it.
42:45
One is, is knowing what you want.
42:48
Right?
42:49
And that's and and knowing you know, what your, issues are?
42:54
What baggage are you bringing in?
42:56
What baggage not even you bringing in, even yourself before you get into another
43:00
relationship is What baggage do I have from my previous relationship or relationships?
43:06
And and working through some of those things so that they don't bleed in to the next ones.
43:12
Right?
43:13
The other piece of it is, is, you know, And because what happens, I think sometimes when
43:21
what I've seen is I've seen people who their their they haven't addressed those kinds of
43:29
issues.
43:30
And they bleed through in that things like being needy.
43:35
And so you'll have someone who, you know, they just they might say, I'm looking I'm just
43:43
looking to, to date have to have companionship, but then very quickly, they're they're trying
43:48
to move the relationship forward as opposed to letting it evolve.
43:51
Right.
43:54
And so I think that's where, that's where a lot of these things happen.
43:58
The other thing too is, you know, what, one thing I've heard a lot about is some people,
44:04
again, not being honest in, you know, I just I'm just looking for hookups, let's say using,
44:09
you know, a really clear example.
44:12
And then, you know, because sometimes imagine you, as someone who's looking for a long term
44:17
relationship and someone who just wants to hook up, They're not really being clear about it.
44:21
That, you know, I mean, that's that could be, you know, the the breeding run for a lot of
44:25
partying.
44:26
Absolutely.
44:27
And then that's unfortunate that that happens.
44:29
But now, Louise, this has been awesome.
44:33
I'm sure, a lot of people are going to wanna connect with you.
44:39
They're gonna wanna know where they can, you know, talk to you about some of these things.
44:43
They might wanna have you coached them on, you know, on relationships online or, some of the
44:49
other expertise that you bring to the table?
44:53
So what where could where if people wanted to get a hold of you, where what's the best spot
44:58
for them to get a hold of you?
45:00
Okay.
45:00
Well, there's 2 ways.
45:01
One is through my website, www.vibrantlife.vis and I also have a Facebook page, called writer
45:11
and my phone.
45:12
So there's those are the two ways of of accessing.
45:18
So just looking those up, the contact information is there.
45:22
You can either contact me through my telephone number or through an email, and I'll I'll get
45:28
back to people.
45:29
Well, thank you.
45:30
Thank you.
45:30
Thank you.
45:31
I know this is going to be, watched by a lot of people that are trying to make, you know, heads
45:37
of tails out of, you know, the wide, wide web and dating.
45:41
And, and I think what you've made very clear is really just to be authentic with yourself.
45:48
And if you're if you're looking for something long term, which I think I think a lot of
45:54
people in fairness, like you said, are looking for long term, but they're not they're not
45:59
voicing that.
46:00
They're gonna get back, you know, lots of different, people coming towards them because
46:06
they're not being clear about what they're looking for.
46:08
So I think that's a that's a fantastic piece of advice because obviously out there, there's
46:13
casual relationships that people can there's different, sites for that, which I think is
46:17
great.
46:18
It's, you know, it's not about judgment.
46:20
It's about people deciding, you know, what they want in their life.
46:22
But if they're looking for something, like in your case with a long term, companionate
46:29
satisfying enduring, relationship that it's possible.
46:33
Yes.
46:33
Absolutely.
46:34
Yeah.
46:34
So thank you so much, and, maybe we'll have you on again.
46:38
Alright.
46:38
Thanks a lot, Roxanne.
46:39
Have a
46:39
great day.
46:40
You too.
46:40
Okay.
46:41
Bye bye.
46:41
Bye bye.
46:55
Joined authentic living with Roxanne every Thursday, 11 AM Eastern on Global Voice Radio.