Latest / Rabbi Moshe Haber - Daily Mussar/Weekly Perasha / Rabbi Moshe Haber Path of the Just-The Balanced Path: Independent Thinking with Social Connection 7.24.25

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Rabbi Moshe Haber Path of the Just-The Balanced Path: Independent Thinking with Social Connection 7.24.25 · Rabbi Moshe Haber - Daily Mussar/Weekly Perasha

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  One of those realities you have more, but now we have 294.
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  It's play. It should be managim.
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  Literally. It means a person being portish,
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  abstaining or separating himself when it comes to socializing.
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  That means it's ported Uddvi by della Menacheva Ahmedinit person
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  who can separate himself from the heva from the group the
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  panodly ball to therefore be able to clear his mind and turn
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  himself. I love without the serve Hashem
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  with bon anout Bakaroy and to properly in the right frame of
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  mind for service of Hashem. Another type of issue this when
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  someone somewhat we need to figure out how seclude
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  themselves socially. What does this mean This is a
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  very dangerous area. Let's see.
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  Oh, but tonight and he gives us a warning, a condition you're
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  not allowed to go to an extreme when it comes to socially
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  secluding yourself. Basically hermit.
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  A person's mindset, a person's way should be mixed in with
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  other people. There's a sword on those who
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  hate those who learn to alone Shioshwim bad badvoskimbatura to
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  be overly secluded in any area, even as a Jew, even as a very
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  observant Jew, is very bad. Elliot Chabede haidame matovim
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  You should socialize, should have friends with those who are
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  good ziman ma a certain amount of time, which will help you
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  living with all for the sake of your learning.
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  Lupana Satov For the sake of income, a person should have
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  some connections as some degree of separation.
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  We'll get the exact what this means in a minute with Boded
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  Akhaka. After you have a certain amount
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  of connections in social life, you then separate laid the big
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  bail or cave to therefore connect the Hashem ulaha seek
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  and to reach the Kea Yoshi the right way.
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  The Abu Dhabi didn't way to serve Hashem, so our job is to
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  be both secluded and socialized at the same time, to have
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  friends and be on our own at the same time.
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  What is this exactly? Don't go to an extreme either
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  way. So here's his point.
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  And he says the purpose of this seclusion, the purpose of this
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  idea is that you can serve some better.
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  Or does that mean so I think the breakdown of the mindset is as
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  follows. An important point is a
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  breakdown ideas like this. If you are a very social person,
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  you like being around people, great.
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  You like having a lot of friends, wonderful.
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  But if you think along with other people, you face the
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  obvious challenges, which are if I think along with them, I need
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  to be relevant in their minds. I need to make sure that my
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  opinion jives with all their opinions.
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  I need to make sure that I fit and my mold is something they're
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  all going to like and accept. These are the issues that come
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  along with being an overly social person.
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  In fact, to be a socially dependent person, it leads to
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  these problems. Social dependent means you're a
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  person that needs to be fully in the right frame with everyone
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  around you and your everyone to be good with you and your
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  everyone to basically see you as part of the crew.
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  It leads to a major problem. And that is usually if you look
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  around the people who are very much part of crews for a long
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  time and that's sort of mindset, you don't move.
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  They remain the same. And the reason they remain the
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  same is because they're very cognizant and careful about
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  remaining part of that crew and they're afraid to go either way.
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  And to be any different than that group.
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  Now, having friends for a long time is a great thing.
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  And we all want to have a crew that we have with us for a long
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  time. We want to have that in our
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  whole life. Our friends we can turn turn to
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  and stuff like that. So you have to have this
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  balance. What is the balance?
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  You need to be an independent minded person along with
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  friends. Independent minded means
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  socially. I'm good with having my own way
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  of thinking, I'm perfectly OK with being in this area on my
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  own, and I'm going to have an approach to life that no one
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  else around me has. Nothing wrong with that.
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  In fact, that's a good thing. Every one of us by now should
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  have a very independent mold. If I look at another guy will
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  not see the same as you. I won't see the same as she
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  taught. I won't see the same hash kafa.
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  I won't see the same development of children.
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  I'm going to see a different mold than you than anybody else.
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  Even though you have a lot of friends that takes this balance
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  and the balance is you're independent minded, but you're
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  social. That's a perfect balance.
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  Now if a person takes it to an extreme and he takes his mind
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  says I want to be independent and therefore I'm not going to
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  socialize other people because they see different things in my
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  state. They have different thoughts
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  than I thought. Think the fear is you're going
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  to be alone. When a person's alone in them
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  praying alone in their mindset, they all, every single one of
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  them pretty much start to go off the deep end.
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  It is our mind alone leads us to funny places where our opinion,
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  eventually a sin leads us to start thinking our own thoughts,
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  start rationalizing our own mindsets.
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  And you do things that would not be accepted among the public.
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  And that's actually a very dangerous area as well.
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  So you have two extremes that are problematic I've seen.
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  Number one is if you're too social and your brain thinks
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  along with remaining social and everything you do, whether we
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  realize it or not, feeds into remaining in that position or
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  getting better in that position socially.
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  And if you're too independent minded, or if you live too
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  alone, then a person, everything he does feeds into his head,
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  which goes on its own and goes to funny places because that's
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  how it works. Our mind alone, our own self
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  alone leaves a strange place. You can have a person that
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  learns to that all day actually. And if you learn to that alone,
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  there's no one to answer to, no one to discuss it with.
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  The camel tells us very dangerous.
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  There are a few that did it and succeeded, but generally it's
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  quite dangerous. You know why?
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  I dropped that for the first time when that time when my mom
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  was in the hospital for a long time.
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  And I used to do the night shifts and arounds, I don't
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  know, maybe 1:30 in the morning when the rest of the world goes
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  off the grid and you can't even text somebody and you're alone.
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  Yeah. And your mind starts to.
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  Well. It's quite a funny place.
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  It's 100% and this is it's, it's your challenge.
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  Say the person is doing so for religious reasons, but what's
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  happening is that he starts thinking.
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  That's play out how it works. A lot of times people naturally
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  start to think things and make themselves feel better or make
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  them feel greater than everyone else and make them feel like
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  they're building their own world.
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  And before you know what, they're completely off the grid
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  and they're piling on and piling on to this mindset and they're
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  nuts. And it's all because they're
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  alone. Now what happens is when you're
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  with other people, people automatically bring you back
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  down to earth. People automatically, you know,
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  rationalize it rationally, give you rational thoughts or they
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  make you have to bounce it off with the common folk and make
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  someone normal. Even a rabbi per SE, right,
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  could have she taught, could have opinions.
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  When he works it through through the community, his opinions
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  become actually finer, more work out actually better.
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  And he said one second, he's studying to it all day.
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  Why would his opinions get better when he's dealing with
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  laymen or dealing with regular people and he's discussing with
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  them? The reality is, is that by
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  applying it to the world and then taking it back, however it
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  works, there's certain normalcy that always remains our
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  opinions. And you see what I'm saying?
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  But the world keeps changing and maybe the opinions keep
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  changing. No, there's some sort of system
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  that allows that are with other people.
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  Everything we do is better. Everything you, you bounce it
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  off of other people, everything. Your family is great for you.
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  Your friends are great for you in the right way.
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  Your broader family is amazing for you.
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  Your community is great for you again, but all these things only
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  solid and good for you so long as you have a mindset that says
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  I'd like to be independent. The balance of being independent
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  that's social is the greatest thing out there.
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  One extreme, no good, too independent off the grid, too
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  social, nothing. Just another guy.
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  Why you need the thermometer. You need to literally be yes.
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  And you do. And you find over time you
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  figure it out. You should have your own mold.
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  Everyone of us by now our Shabbat tables should look
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  different than each other. Our conversations with our wives
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  should be different. Do we raise?
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  Our children are meant to be different.
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  Our opinions about what goes on in the community are expected to
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  be different. They should be.
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  You don't want everyone to have the same opinion.
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  If you have that, you have nothing.
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  You have cookie cutter and eventually have.
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  There's nothing special. Everything unique comes I'm
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  independence. But that independence is only
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  true when it's a healthy independence.
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  How do you have a healthy independence?
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  With a social life, with people around you, with a wife, with
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  family, but those who you can bounce it around with, and it
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  always becomes a stronger, finer idea.
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  Every one of us have ideas. And you build your business.
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  You build it with ideas, right? If you took that idea to the
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  moon alone, it would be nutty. You take it.
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  You bounce it around with other people.
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  Again, you're the main driver of that idea.
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  You're the one who has it. You're the one who's going to
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  take it all the way. You're the one who's going to
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  build it. But it gets more solid, it gets
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  stronger, it gets worked through.
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  When I do to other people and I have ideas myself personally, I
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  automatically call someone, I bounce it around, I debate it
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  back and forth back and. Forth for the same person every
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  time or the type of idea. Very much depends on the type.
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  I do not have one person I I can't even think of the person
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  to mine right now have. A hatred chat.
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  No, no, because we have different opinions.
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  My brothers and I, it's good. We have different opinions very
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  much. Right.
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  If they don't already do it, then the you know what I mean?
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  So you have to go there. That's our.
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  I mean, I, I got to tell you honestly, remember that Joey
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  from the beginning, for years, I said this before, after his
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  speech, he's sit down with us, no older brother more than me
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  and idolize and and analyze it and bounce it around and take
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  the heat at times. He was willing and accepting of
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  taking the heat and because of that, he perfected and perfected
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  perfected. So it's an important thing.
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  And, you know, there are people who live in what do they call an
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  echo chamber, live in the own bubble.
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  And you follow how they don't change anymore.
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  There was a time that they changed.
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  He doesn't need this anymore. He anyway happens to be
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  everybody, happens to be very sensitive to criticism, both
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  accepting and sensitive at the same time.
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  That always makes him better, all right?
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  He accepts it because it gets taken aback by hearing it.
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  And that makes him finer and finer.
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  But there are many people out there who have echo chamber that
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  is they only are willing to hear people who say the same thing as
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  them, who tell you they're great.
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  I, I'm not a person personally who can handle the real Chris.
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  I'll be honest with you. I don't like to be insulted.
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  I don't like it. I don't.
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  If someone gives me criticism, I want to hear in a positive tone.
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  Let's talk to. Constructive I cannot take being
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  beat down honestly, I never never worked for me as a kid or
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  work me down now I can't take. I don't think it works on
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  anybody. No, I.
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  Think so when you come from the negative.
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  I. Agree.
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  I think it's you're tearing a guy's skin off, Yeah.
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  On that note, by the way, I find that whenever someone says, you
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  know, you always do this right at a negative tone, what's the
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  problem with you always do? The problem with you always do
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  is if you think about it for a minute, that means you're
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  telling me for the last three years I've made the same
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  mistake. He told me for the last three
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  years the classes have had this flaw, right?
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  You can't say it that way. Even if it's true, Of course
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  it's true. He said it more.
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  I said, listen, I think you can take it another step if you you
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  incorporate a little bit more, I don't know, a little bit more
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  insight or not be Indian teacher, whatever you want to
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  say exactly. But the mind cities, we do need
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  to have those around us very important to make us solid and
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  healthy. We need to have a social life.
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  We need to have those who opinions merit us need to bounce
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  it around. But you and I have to be
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  independent. If you're not independent, you
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  become mush. You become like the other guy.
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  And nothing that you did special in your life would have ever
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  happened if you weren't independent.
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  All right, have a great day. This is the reality, and this
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  has become our reality. This combo, this bouncing around
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  has to become our way. And it can make us stronger,
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  healthier. And the best people are those
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  who can do those too. I give another example is that
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  for some reason they cannot understand now why, but as a
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  child growing up, my father used to bounce around questions us
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  parish it by the table community scenarios is this couple, we
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  were kids by the way, 1011 years old, 12 years old.
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  This is his family. They're going through this.
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  Let's say I give you a random example.
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  They have a child and they're debating to send the kid to this
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  school or that school. You know, this one's more
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  religious for them, but it's not on their level.
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  It's 'cause it's not even this is a challenge they brought.
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  What do you guys think? And we used to bounce it around,
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  no names of course, but that's around.
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  That's a great item. And at the time I never.
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  Really. For where you are today.
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  Yeah, that's really what it was. And I fought him, but he had a
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  very much a tone of taking other people's opinions, very much
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  very exciting other people's opinions to the fullest extreme.
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  And it was it maybe a humble mindset ever was.
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  Maybe it came from humility, I'm not sure.
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  But it also was like, you're dealing with the public.
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  You got you. Got to.
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  Ask the public. And at the same time, my father
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  was probably the most confident man will ever know, which is you
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  have to have a degree and also independent.
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  Everything you did was independent thinking.
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  Who's is this? Who's his teacher?
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  Who's is that? He had a lot of teachers along
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  the way, but ultimately, here's his own hand.
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  He wouldn't even ask that much. Here's the only way of thinking.
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  We have to build our own model. At the end of the day, we're
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  going to have something that's strong, healthy, but it's on its
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  own. How do you have that with this
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  combo? That's the entire right?
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  No 7 this.