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Helping Others to Live a More Authentic Life Journey with Nikita Burks-Hale · Authentic Living

• 0:01
  Welcome to authentic living with Roxanne, a place where we have as conversations about
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  things that really matter in our lives.
• 0:11
  And now here's your host, Roxanne Derhodge.
• 0:36
  Hi, everyone.
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  It's Roxanne Derhodge.
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  I'm authentically speaking with Roxanne, and thanks for tuning in again today.
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  Today, I have a special Stequita, Burks Hale.
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  I love your name, by the way.
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  Thank you.
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  It's That's
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  got one of those names that just rolls off your tongue really, really nice.
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  It was a mix.
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  So my wife and I, we didn't wanna give up our name, so we made it work and put them together.
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  Well, it's it sounds like it it's perfect, actually.
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  So Nikita, you know, brings to the table a pretty interesting, space.
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  So I'll tell you a little bit about her.
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  She's known as the journey coach.
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  So she takes people along a journey.
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  And you're a journeyer.
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  And is that the term?
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  Yes.
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  Journey.
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  Yes.
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  In every sense of the word of the word and has dedicated her life and her life work to guiding
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  and supporting women in their journey to live, to live more imperfect, authentic, and
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  intentional lives.
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  And does that those words so resonate with, what I talk about, which is authenticity.
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  When, Nikki is not journeying or, building the journey Girl Magic Empire.
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  She can be found on the couch playing, 20 questions with her wife, Jessica, or Mickey.
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  And Mickey is your your son?
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  Or listening to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.
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  My son is Adonis, and so he
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  Adonis.
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  Oh my goodness.
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  That that's what a what a beautiful same.
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  So, Nikki, let's talk a little bit about kind of, journeying.
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  Like, I've it's, you know, it's a it's a new I know the concept of journeying, but never
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  really thought about someone doing that.
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  I think.
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  So tell me a tell me kinda what's what got you on that path.
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  To start to want to do that, in in in your coaching kind of practice.
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  Right.
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  So for me, this idea of jourying, first off, is always moving.
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  So really trying not to stay stagnant, not staying stuck in your mind, in your thoughts,
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  in your current situation, but always moving in Not necessarily wanting more, but just always
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  moving and working to become the best version of yourself.
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  Okay.
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  And so I have always been a journeyer in the way showed up was me trying to be perfect.
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  And so constantly searching for whatever it was that would make me perfect, that would make me
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  good enough.
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  And that did not prove very fruitful because I was looking for some outward for something that
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  was within myself.
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  And so then it became this journey, this beautiful lifelong journey of rediscovering
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  myself, all of my gifts, all of my talents, all of my passions.
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  And so I took that into my professional world, which is empowering women of color to do the
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  same.
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  To really look within themselves and first off recognize how amazing they are, how resilient
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  they are, what they bring to the table, and then how they can get a continue uncovering
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  unfolding who they are and to become the best version of themselves.
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  Let's talk about that element of perfection.
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  Where where did you start to learn those messages in your life that made you feel like
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  you had to be perfect?
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  I think what started out with my So going way back with my parents, my mom and my dad were
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  thirteen years apart, and I was an army brat.
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  So really by the time that I was born, they were on the tail end of their army life.
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  And then, unfortunately, because of the stressors with the army, my dad was alcoholic,
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  not a violent alcoholic, thankfully, but one of those those quiet alcoholics and drank himself
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  to 3 strokes, being able being transferred into a behavior intensive unit really having because
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  he also did 2 terms of Vietnam, a lot of mental issues.
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  And so that idea of not wanting to rock the boat.
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  Just wanted to be the perfect daughter because my mom already had it left on her plate.
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  And so what could I do to be just enough to do just enough to help whenever I could.
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  I became the ultimate helper, and just not do anything that would cause any more burden to
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  anyone.
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  I did not want to be a burden.
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  I only wanted to help.
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  And so that's where it started.
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  And then because I wanted to help out or do just enough.
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  My mom recognized that and and tried to push me to do other activities.
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  And so I I did dance.
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  I was a dancer for 30 years.
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  I also did, swimming and archery and just all of these different things that I took to
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  varsity levels.
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  And with that also came this idea of wanting to be the best, wanting to be perfect, wanting to
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  make my mom proud.
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  Because she put me in these, and I wanted to make sure that I was taking full advantage and
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  being the best that I could be.
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  So ready out of something quite adverse.
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  There there there was strength that was found from it to to find activities.
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  She was at least aware and not completely, absorbed with what your dad was doing because
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  I'm sure, you know, was your mom also in the in the army or was she she also was, but she still
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  was aware.
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  Did you have any siblings, Nikhia?
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  I have one I have one sister.
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  Okay.
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  Okay.
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  And, so somewhere in there, mom was not so enmeshed with dad that she was able to see
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  that.
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  Did she also see that new sister able to recognize those things to kind of guide your
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  sister to to to kind of go after things that would make her excel
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  I think, because me and my sister, we have a lot we're a lot alike, but then my sister takes
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  a lot after my dad.
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  So she's really headstrong will take any opportunity.
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  So I was the more quieter one, and kind of stood back a bit.
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  And so she put a little bit more of that into me because my sister just naturally went for
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  Oh, okay.
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  So she just she was one of those kids that could just keep going and kind of path that way
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  regardless of of what was happening for.
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  Now you talked a little bit about resilience in in black women or non white women, and I wanna
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  talk a little bit about that because I've already never discussed on my podcast, anything
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  about resilience from that perspective.
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  And I
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  really and I wanna I wanna kind of preface, like, I grew up.
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  I'm Brown.
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  I grew up in the Caribbean, though.
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  Is a different context.
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  And I think you and I, when we were needing meeting initially, we talked about that context
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  about, how it might be different.
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  And my context was you know, I'm brown.
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  My best friend is, she's half black hash, half Chinese.
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  The other one is half Chinese, you know, half white, and so we had every color of the rainbow
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  that surrounded me growing up, even though I grew up in a kind of a colonial kind of element
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  with, indentured laborers
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  Correct.
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  Slavery in the context and colonialism.
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  Right.
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  Right.
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  So there was that element.
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  Right?
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  But I think what superseded things was that, you know, your president was black or your
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  dentist was Chinese or, you know, so we I saw a lot of these modeling things growing up.
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  And but when I came to North America, to Canada specifically, then I realized, woah, that's
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  that's different because a lot of the kids that I was needing would use that were non white.
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  We're talking about they'd never seen anybody in in positions of power that were non white.
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  Right?
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  And I know, you know, looking at that in the Canadian context and then, of course, the
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  American context.
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  So I want you to kinda so me, I kinda grew up here and thinking, well, you can I could just
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  kind of do whatever I wanted because I'd seen it even though there was that backdrop of
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  colonialism in in in your context growing up growing up in in the states and stuff like
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  that?
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  Tell me what that whole element of resilience means to be to be resilient as a non white
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  woman in that space.
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  And I think and I will speak for me, but then I also say, I would believe in most women of
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  color, resilience, is this invisible cape that we don't realize that we have, just because the
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  footing that we start on, it's automatically at a different level.
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  And oftentimes, it's things are just tougher.
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  And I know that makes people may think, like, well, we're in the 21st century.
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  Like, we're at 2 2020.
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  Yes, and also we are still operating on the system that was built from slavery, from the
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  remnants of slavery.
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  And so this idea of resilience and the many ways that it shows up, and something that is
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  very small when usually active resilience is typically you have a situation, one situation
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  that causes you to become this person you never thought you were.
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  When resilience are these many moments that happen every day in life for women of color, I
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  believe.
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  So from when you are looking at the news and you see that there's been another story of
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  somebody being shocked when that when there's no reason, no seeming reason to when you are
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  walking into work and someone is greeting you, but with microaggressions when you are prepping
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  your son to go to school knowing that you have to say.
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  Alright?
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  I need you to be on your best behavior.
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  Let's make sure that you are being the best version of yourself is what I say with my son
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  or using your hands right now because he's only 2 She's in this pinching phase, and it's mine
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  phase.
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  And so having to really be intentional and saying we use our hands to help in that to
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  harm.
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  Because I don't want anyone to foresee him and judge him based on his skin color first, that
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  he's pinching and hitting so he's aggressive.
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  And so these little active resilience are are very small and consistent and constant every
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  single day, I believe, and the choices that we have to make, not only for the moment, but the
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  last thing, effect that they will have for the life, if that answers the question.
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  So that invisible cape.
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  Right?
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  So let's talk.
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  I mean, never heard that term, and I I I I I find it powerful to think of it in that
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  context.
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  When did you realize you had to wear that invisible cape?
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  How old were you when you realized?
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  You know what?
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  I'm a bit different because you're an army brat.
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  So you're seeing you're seeing everything.
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  Right?
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  Right.
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  Definitely.
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  Or is it is it that you saw a lot of diversity on the basis, or did you see were you still a
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  minority on the basis?
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  It was because by the time that I was born, they were on the tail end.
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  So I was actually born in Alaska, and that was one of the last stations that my mom was
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  stationed at before we finished up in Savannah, Georgia.
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  And so I think I really saw this idea of invisible cape when I started coaching.
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  I really did not graspes concept until I heard women's stories about what they've had to
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  overcome and how these small moments, seemingly small moments are really what has built their
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  resiliency.
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  When in one day, they they may have lost their job or they may have lost somebody in their
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  family, but then had to deal with judgment about something else in their lives, and it's
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  just things that stack on top of each other.
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  So for instance, for myself, one moment that became multiple moments was a few, just a
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  couple of weeks ago, or maybe a couple of months ago.
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  I'm currently going through the IVF process.
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  And so this idea of going through IVF and then, actually had a death of somebody really close
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  to me, which is my father-in-law died from complications from the flu.
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  And on top of that, going through the IVF process, we found that we had a positive
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  pregnancy And then 2 days later, finding that it ended in a chemical pregnancy.
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  And so these multiple moments stacking on top of each other, that I just hear a lot for women
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  of color.
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  That is just not one singular moment.
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  It's multiple things on top of each other, and it's so compounded that you have no choice but
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  to just take a deep breath and say, this is a lot.
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  And I know I can't completely break down because can't do that right now, so I need to
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  continue moving forward.
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  I need to continue being there for others.
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  I need to continue showing up for myself, but this has made me stronger.
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  That's something that I heard resounded multiple, multiple times of I know the
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  situation was a lot, but it just made me stronger and going forward from there.
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  So the additional pressures of stuff.
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  Right?
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  Like, a lot of stuff happening in life, but you say on top of that, use the word
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  microaggressions.
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  And for people that don't understand it, I'd like you to break it down because, you know, I
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  know with us, we know what it means, but a lot of people, they may not get Right.
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  What that is?
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  What what is in a microaggression?
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  And how would that play into that whole element of the invisible cape a lot along with having
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  to cope with all the other shitty stuff that life could bring our way.
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  Exactly.
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  So I would say microaggressions are these small moments where you are changing an interaction
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  to to further connect because you think that the person is different.
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  So for instance, if I'm walking into work, and someone's like, oh, hey, girlfriend.
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  I love your hair.
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  Can I touch your hair?
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  The fact that you felt that say, hey, girlfriend, that you then had to add body
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  language to, like, sway your head when you said, hey, girlfriend, that you noticed that my
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  hair was somehow different and not like yours and because of that, you wanted to touch it.
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  So just that simple, hey, girlfriend.
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  How are you?
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  3 different microaggressions right there.
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  And it's not to necessarily say if you because everybody has my does microaggressions in some
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  way, shape, or form, it doesn't necessarily mean for myself that you are racing us.
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  It is based in a system that is not that is based on it is based in a system that is
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  unjust, and it's coming from just a different time period of judgment.
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  And so, I just wanna make it clear that if you do get caught out of microaggressions, you're
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  not necessarily racist is just that you're part of a bigger system that needs fixing.
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  Mhmm.
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  And what what in that world.
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  Right?
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  Mhmm.
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  Right.
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  So how how do you I mean, you you are at a university from what I was remembering you.
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  Right?
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  Do you find that that stuff happens that does it happen often?
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  In this particular university, not as much as far as, like, the Hey girlfriend, but it's
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  almost So not as much in my current university because, there are a lot of black and brown
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  people in my university and in positions of power.
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  Okay.
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  And so I can say I don't see it as much in my current university.
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  So, yes, I'll I'll pause there because I, I was gonna go and like, well, let me think and let
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  me, but, for the sake of time, and I'm a process, so I'm just gonna say I don't
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  automatically think of situations.
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  That doesn't mean that they don't occur, but nothing specific situation like that do not
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  come to the forefront of my mind.
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  So let's let's let's talk a little bit about, resilience and what kind of things with your
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  clients, you continually the the the stories you get and the things that people have to do.
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  And, of course, you two also going through you know, the experience of, you know, living, you
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  know, in a state potentially that many maybe a bit compared to say Canada.
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  I I, you know, we know it's different.
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  People, you know, I live, like, for instance, I'll give you my I live in a tiny little town.
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  Okay.
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  And I have lived here for over 30 years.
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  And I came here 30 years ago when I got married.
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  And, when people met me, they didn't know where to put me.
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  Mhmm.
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  Because and I'm still probably one of the only non white.
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  There's, sorry, there's 2 non white individuals, a girlfriend and myself that live
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  in this little town.
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  Okay.
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  30 years ago, they didn't know, you know, what are you?
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  Are you black?
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  Are you white?
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  Do you speak English?
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  Where did you come from?
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  Kinda thing that's 30 years ago, but today, people have more exposure, but it's still very,
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  very homogeneous and very, anglo.
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  So and still, there's this understanding potentially that, you know, in the north, we
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  were a little bit, you know, I'm gonna I I don't wanna use the word ahead, but that's
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  because we just had a bit of different context.
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  So there may be the the some of the things happening, but it's not as overt where but as
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  unfortunately in the south, you know, there was obviously more more overt, no no hiding over
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  there.
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  Yeah.
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  So I would think that some of the resilience things and the that women, black women, or
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  women of color had to deal with has been more treacherous, I would say.
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  I would definitely agree.
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  Just from and even, I think, for myself, while I may not have had a lot of direct just it's
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  constantly on the news.
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  It's constantly I'm hearing about it with friends.
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  It's constantly in the work I do with my clients hearing their stories.
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  And so that has affected me.
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  And so this idea of resilience in working with my clients, hearing their stories and the ones
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  who maybe have not had specific incidents.
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  Again, they talk about every time on the news I'm hearing this, or I'm hearing the both
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  sides.
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  Those who are the victims of just racism and and have to practice resilience.
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  And also the ones who on the other side.
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  So a lot of Southerners who say I'm not a racist.
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  Alert surgeons.
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  Okay.
• 17:52
  Travelers returning to Ontario.
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  You are at high risk of spreading COVID 19.
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  Emergency alert alert surgeons.
• 18:00
  Sorry about that.
• 18:01
  That's that was just that was just a covert.
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  I'd never had seen.
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  Emergency alerts.
• 18:05
  One of those yet, for COVID 19, talking about these topically relevant.
• 18:11
  Pretty much so.
• 18:12
  Yeah.
• 18:13
  So I and I've lost my train of thought there for a second, but so really that whole element
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  of resilience with your with your particular clientele, are there things that you teach that
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  would be a bit different, say, compared to say maybe somebody else that's coaching that's not,
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  specifically, have your kind of small subset of coaching.
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  Right.
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  So I would say my first step is to work to have them see their resilience, to see that they're
• 18:45
  always focusing on moving forward to take a moment and to look back and to look where
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  they're currently at and see how much they have overcome.
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  And then from there, looking at these 5 specific steps of how that has brought them to
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  that.
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  And so for me, I call those the 5 steps for starting your imperfect journey.
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  So in them seeing their resilience in the best version of themselves, which I think is, for
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  me, my code word, of the ultimate form of resilience.
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  It is one showing up, showing up for those hardships that have built your resilience,
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  being vulnerable in those hardships, and letting people see that this hurt you, this
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  infuriates you.
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  This is not fair, but you still got through it.
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  Being grateful throughout these moments that build your resilience and say that I know that
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  one of my best friends says life is not happening to me.
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  It's happening for me.
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  And so taking that idea of, like, where can I find the light in this?
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  Because that's what's gonna keep me moving forward.
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  Being a badass, which is harnessing this, saying that speaking up, realizing the power to
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  hold in that situation, and that really builds the footing for that resilience, and then
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  finally enjoying the ride, realizing that this is all part of a bigger journey, a bigger
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  experience for your good to be the best version of yourself.
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  So that's kind of the the steps and the actual, tools that I use for people to first recognize
• 20:02
  their resilience and then build those steps.
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  I would say that we are making steps, but sometimes it seems like we take two steps and
• 20:10
  we take three steps back.
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  Right?
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  Yes.
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  And I I always say that, you know, we are as much as and I'm I will say this.
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  And if you wanna shoot me in the head, you can because resilience is about saying, you know,
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  okay, we are not defined even though systemically some of the things we are talking
• 20:28
  about a real
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  alert urgent.
• 20:30
  That's
• 20:30
  Voyagers do retour in Ontario.
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  Emergency alert.
• 20:34
  Oh my goodness.
• 20:34
  And I don't know how to tell you at all.
• 20:37
  Who present has unrestrained Elevated Provigationsilis COVID 19.
• 20:43
  Lilloy Boo oblige
• 20:46
  So what I would say is that even though it's a systemic decision we're talking and we are
• 20:53
  making inroads and we are far off.
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  We have taken strides, but I always try to see, to my my clients that I coach is that you are
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  not defined by your past.
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  We there are things that we need to break through, and we need to continue to break
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  through, but you have control over what things you let in or what things you use keep out.
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  And that's with the skills that, you know, I'm sure you teach your clients and I teach Michael
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  Anton an ongoing basis.
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  You are not defined by the pain from what you came.
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  Correct.
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  Right?
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  Just you, you know, you have to to to keep at it because our brain and our body, you know, as
• 21:31
  an so powerful that we can do certain things with it.
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  And this is not in any way to to put down any of the things that we're talking about because
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  it I know it's real.
• 21:39
  It's very, very real.
• 21:40
  You know, being a a female, you know, in corporate carries certain things, being, you
• 21:45
  know, a non fee white female in a corporate situation as females, you know, you're, you
• 21:50
  know, you're an educated person as I am, There's certain there's certain limits that
• 21:54
  we're not gonna come up against, but, really, that resilience is something that, any one of
• 22:00
  us can learn the skills and not buy into that I I am defined based on the pain that I came
• 22:08
  from.
• 22:08
  Would you agree with that statement, Nikina?
• 22:10
  Exactly.
• 22:10
  Because at the end of the day, when you when you think about that that statement of
• 22:16
  undefined by the pain, that is a very, like, I don't hear, when I hear that, a lot of power,
• 22:24
  like, in that I feel like a victim.
• 22:27
  And so this idea of resilience is even in that situation.
• 22:31
  And I use this, I say this lightly, but hopefully your your audience and your community
• 22:35
  will understand everyone had a choice in this situation, meaning that you now have a choice
• 22:41
  of whether the situation defines you, whether propels you, whether it stops you, there's
• 22:46
  always a choice.
• 22:47
  And so focus on the choice and not that situation because that's where the real power
• 22:51
  is.
• 22:52
  Absolutely.
• 22:52
  And we all have that And, you know, it's the world out here, like, especially as we tape
• 23:00
  this today is very uncertain, and all we really have control over is what we what little steps
• 23:04
  that we take in day in, day out.
• 23:06
  And, yes, we all get overwhelmed, but I think that sometimes seems out of control, but we can
• 23:11
  take those small steps daily as, you know, to to to make a shift in a situation even though
• 23:17
  at times do you think, oh, I'm gonna give up today.
• 23:19
  I'm gonna try again tomorrow that knowing that it's it's it's possible to make change.
• 23:24
  It's it's a lot of hard work and, you know, you have to keep at it, but then that things can
• 23:29
  can change.
• 23:30
  Nikita, I'm sure people will want to connect with you and, chat about, you know, more about
• 23:37
  this journey girl magic So where can they get a hold of you and how if they wanted to work with
• 23:42
  you, where could they get a hold of you to work with you?
• 23:45
  Yeah.
• 23:45
  So definitely.
• 23:47
  Journey Girl Magic has a website.
• 23:49
  We so it's www.journeygirlmagic.com, and girl is spelled with a u.
• 23:55
  So that's one because I focus on you.
• 23:57
  And not I.
• 23:58
  So different.
• 23:59
  I also want Facebook and Instagram.
• 24:01
  It's during the Google Magic, so I can be found there.
• 24:03
  I do have a couple of courses as well.
• 24:06
  And I'm working on developing a a 1 on 1 coaching program.
• 24:09
  So I would say first, find me on the website, find me on my podcast, if you're gonna go on my
• 24:14
  magic podcast, And then from there, our journey will begin through courses and, connection.
• 24:20
  Well, thank you so much with being with us today.
• 24:23
  So my takeaway is We can't we can't change what's happened, but we can take the steps to
• 24:30
  to to be brave enough to recognize that we're not gonna be defined by her pass.
• 24:34
  And we're gonna take those steps day in, day out, to to to to move forward.
• 24:39
  And we we can succumb to being victims, or we can take power and control over what is
• 24:44
  possible in our own lives.
• 24:47
  So take that step today, make that difference in your lives in someone else's lives be that
• 24:52
  mentor or mentee to somebody else that's looking at you and emulating you because you
• 24:56
  never know.
• 24:57
  You never know who's, looking on or listening and learning from some of the lessons that we
• 25:01
  shared today.
• 25:02
  So, again, if you're needing anything further on me, I'm Roxanne Derhodge, I'm a mental
• 25:06
  health and wellness specialist, and you can reach me at Roxanne durhodge.com.
• 25:11
  Take care, Nikkita.
• 25:12
  Thank you again.
• 25:14
  Okay.
• 25:14
  Bye bye.
• 25:15
  Thanks for tuning in to authentic living with Roxanne, creating the space for positive,
• 25:21
  healthy change.
• 25:22
  Roxanne is a keynote speaker, psychotherapist, and coach to work with Roxanne, visit
• 25:29
  roxannederhaj.com/blueprint.
• 25:32
  We'll see you next time on authentic living with Roxanne.