Latest / Classic Humorous Short Stories from America / The Celebrated Jumping Frog Of Calaveras County

Transcript

The Celebrated Jumping Frog Of Calaveras County · Classic Humorous Short Stories from America

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Story eight of the Best American Humorous Short Stories by
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: Alexander Jessop editor. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Story eight, The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County, eighteen
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: sixty five by Mark Twain from the Saturday Press, November eighteenth,
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: eighteen sixty five. Republished in The Celebrated Jumping Frog of
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: Calaveras County In Other Sketches eighteen sixty seven by Mark Twain,
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: all of whose works are published by Harper and Brothers.
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: In compliance with the request of a friend of mine
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: who wrote me from the East, I called on good natured,
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: garrulous Old Simon Wheeler and inquired after my friend's friend,
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: Leonidas W. Smiley, as requested to do, and I hear
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: unto appinned the result. I have a lurking suspicion that
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: Leonidas W. Smiley is a myth, and that my friend
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: never knew such a personage, and that he only conjectured
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: that if I asked Old Wheeler about him, it would
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: remind him of his infamous Jim Smiley, and he would
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: go to work and bore me to death with some
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: exasperating reminiscence of him as long and as tedious as
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: it should be useless to me. If that was the design,
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: it succeeded. I found Simon Wheeler dozing comfortably by the
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: bar room stove of the dilapidated tavern in the decayed
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: mining camp of Angels And I noticed that he was
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: fat and bald headed, and had an expression of winning
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: gentleness and simplicity upon his tranquil countenance. He roused up
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: and gave me good day. I told him a friend
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: had commissioned me to make some inquiries about a cherished
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: companion of his boyhood named Leonidus W. Smiley, Rev. And
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: Leonidis W. Smiley, a young minister of the Gospel, who
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: he had heard was at one time a resident of
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: Angels Camp. I added that if mister Wheeler could tell
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: me anything about this Reverend Leonidus W. Smiley, I would
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: feel under many obligations to him. Simon Wheeler backed me
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: into a corner and blockaded me there with his chair,
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: and then sat down and reeled off the monotonous narrative
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: which follows this paragraph. He never smiled, he never frowned,
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: He never changed his voice from the gentle, flowing key
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: to which he tuned his initial sentence. He never betrayed
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: the slightest suspicion of enthusiasm. But all through the interminable
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: narrative there ran a vein of impressive earnestness and sincerity,
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: which showed me plainly that so far from his imagining
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: that there was anything ridiculous or funny about his story,
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: he regarded it as a rich, important matter, and admired
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: its two heroes as men of transcendent genius. In finesse,
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: I let him go on in his own way and
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: never interrupted him. Once Reverend Leonidus W M. Reverendly Well,
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: there was a feller here once by the name of
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: Jim Smiley, in the winter of forty nine, or maybe
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: it was the spring of fifty. I don't recollect exactly. Somehow, though,
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: what makes me think it was one or the other
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: is because I remember the big flume warrn't finished when
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: he first came to the camp. But anyway, he was
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: the curioustest man about, always betting on anything that turned up.
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: You ever see, if he could get anybody to bet
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: on the other side, and if he couldn't, he'd change
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: sides anyway that suited the other man. Would suit him anyway,
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: just so's he's got a bet. He was satisfied. But
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: still he was lucky, uncommon lucky. He most always come
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: out winter. He was always ready and laying for a chance.
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: There couldn't be no solitary thing mentioned, but that Fellard
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: offered to bet on it and take any side you please,
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: As I was just telling you, if there was a
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: horse race, you'd find him flush, or you'd find him
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: busted at the end of it. If there was a
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: dog fight, he'd bet on it. If there was a
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: cat fight, he'd bet on it. If there was a
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: chicken fight, he'd bet on it. Why if there was
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: two birds sitting on a fence, he would bet you
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: which one would fly first. Or if there was a
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: camp meetin' he would be there regular to bet on
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: Parson Walker, which he judged to be the best exhorter
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: about here. And he was too and a good man.
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: If he even see a straddle bug start to go anywheres,
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: he would bet you how long it would take him
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: to get to to wherever he was going to. And
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: if you took him up, he would follow that straddle
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: bug to Mexico. But what he would find out where
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: he was bound for, and how long he was on
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: the road. Lots of the boys here has seen that
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: Smiley and can tell you about him. Why it never
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: made no difference to him. He'd bet on anything. The
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: dangis Feller. Parson Walker's wife laid very sick once for
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: a good while, and it seemed as if there warn't
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: going to save her. But one mornin' he come in
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: Aunt Smiley up and asked him how she was, and
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: he said she was considerable better, thank the Lord for
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: his infinite mercy, and coming on so smart that with
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: the blessing of providence she'd get well. Yet, and Smiley,
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: before he thought, says, well, I'll risk two and a half.
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: She don't anyway. This year Smiley had a mare. Always
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: called her the fifteen minute Nag, but that was only
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: in fun, you know, because of course she was faster
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: than that, and he used to win money on that horse.
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: For all she was so slow and always had the
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: asthma or the distemper or the consumption or something of
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: that kind. They used to give her two or three
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: hundred yards start and then pass her under way, but
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: always at the fag end of the race she'd get
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: excited and desperate like, and come cavorting and straddling up
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: and scattering her legs round limber, sometimes in the air,
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: and sometimes out to one side amongst the fences, and
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: kickin up more dust and raisin more racket with her coffin,
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: and sneezing and blowing her nose, and always fetch up
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: at the stand just about a neck ahead, as near
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: as you could cipher it down. And he had a
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: little small bull pup. Bet. To look at him, you'd
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: think he warn't worth a cent, but to set around
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: and look ornery and lay for a chance to see something.
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: But as soon as money was up on him, he
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: was a different dog. His under jaw began to stick
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: out like the forecastle of a steamboat, and his teeth
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: would uncover and shine like the furnaces. And a dog
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: might tackle him and bully, rag him and bite him
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: and throw him over his shoulder two or three times.
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: And Andrew Jackson, which was the name of the pup.
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: Andrew Jackson would never let on but what he was
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: satisfied and hadn't expected nothing else. And the bets being
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: doubled and doubled on the other side all the time,
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: till the money was all up, and then all of
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: a sudden he would grab that other dog just by
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: the giant of his hind leg and freeze to it.
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: Not chaw, you understand, but only just grip and hang
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: on till they throwed up the sponge. If it was
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: a year. Smiley always come out winter on that pup
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: till he harnessed a dog once that didn't have no
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: hind legs because they'd been sawed off in a circulars.
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: And when the thing had gone along far enough and
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: the money was all up, and he come to make
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: a snatch for his pet holt, he'd see in a
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: minute how he'd been imposed on, and how the other
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: dog had him in the door, so to speak. And
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: he peered surprised, and then he looked sort of discouraged like,
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: and didn't try no more to win the fight, And
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: so he got shucked out bad. He guessed Smiley a
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: look as much as to say his heart was broke,
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: and it was his fault for putting up a dog
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: that hadn't no hot legs for him to take hold of,
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: which was his main dependence in a fight. And then
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: he limped off a piece and laid down and died.
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: It was a good pup, was that Andrew Jackson, and
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: would have made a name for hisself if he'd lived,
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: for the stuff was in him, and he had genius.
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: I know it, cause he hadn't no opportunities to speak of.
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: And it don't stand to reason that a dog could
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: make such a fight as he could under them circumstances
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: if he hadn't no talent. It always makes me feel
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: sorry when I think of that last fire to his'n
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: and the way it turned out well. This year Smiley
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: had rat tarriers and chicken cocks and tomcats and all
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: of them kind o things till you couldn't rest, and
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: you couldn't fetch nothin for him to bet on, but
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: he'd match you. He catched a frog one day and
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: took him home and said he calculated to educate him.
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: And so he never done nothing for three months but
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: set in his back yard and learned that frog to jump.
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: And you bet he did learn him too. He'd give
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: him a little punch behind, and the next minute you'd
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: see that frog whirlin in the air like a doughnut,
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: see him turn one summerset and maybe a couple, and
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: if he got a good start and come down flat
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: footed and all right like a cat, he got him
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: up so in the matter of catching flies, and kept
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: him in practice so constant that he'd nail a fly
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: every time as fur as he could see him. Smiley said,
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: all a frog wanted was education, and he could do
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: most anything. And I believe him, why I've seen him
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: set Daniel Webster down here on this floor. Daniel Webster
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: was the name of the frog, and sing out flies,
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: Daniel flies, And quick an you could wink, he'd spring
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: straight up and snake a fly off on the counter there,
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: and flop down on the floor again, as solid as
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: a Dauber mud, and fall to scratching the side of
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: his head with his hind foot, as indifferent as if
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: he hadn't no idea he'd been doin any more any
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: frog ought to. You never see a frog so modest
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: and straightforward as he was. For all he was so gifted,
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: And when it come to fair and square jumping on
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: a dead level, he could get over more ground at
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: once straddle than any animal of his breed you ever see.
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: Jumping on a dead level was his strong suit, you understand,
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: And when it come to that, Smiley would aunt up
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: money on him as long as he had a red
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: Smiley was monstrous proud of his frog, and well he
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: might be for fellows that had traveled and been ever
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: Where's all said he laid over any frog that ever
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: they see. Well, Smiley kept the beast in a little
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: lattice box, and he used to fetch him down town
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: sometimes and lay for a bed. When day a feller,
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: a stranger in the camp he was, come across him
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: with his box and says, what might be that you've
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: got in that box? And Smiley says, sort of indifferent,
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: like it might be a parrot, or it might be
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: a canary maybe, but it ain't. It's only just a frog.
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: And the feller took it and looked at it careful,
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: and turned it round this way and that, and says, huh,
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: so tis well, what's he good for? Well, Smiley says,
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: easy and careless. He's good enough for one thing, I
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: should judge. He can out jump any frog in Calaveras County.
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: The feller took the box again and took an another long,
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: particular look, and to give it back to Smiley and says,
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: very deliberate. Well, he says, I don't see enough punts
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: about that frog that's any better than any other frog.
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: Maybe you don't, Smiley says, maybe understand frogs, and maybe
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: you don't understand em. Maybe you've had experience, and maybe
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: you ain't only a amateur as it were. Anyways, I
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: got my opinions, and I'll risk forty dollars that he
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: can out jump any frog in Calavert's County. And the
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: feller studied a minute and then says kinder sad like, well,
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: I'm only a stranger here and I ain't got no frog,
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: but if I had a frog, i'd bet ya. And
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: then Smiley says, that's all right, that's all right. If
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: you'll hold my box a minute, I'll go and get
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: your frog. And so the feller took the box and
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: put up his forty dollars along with Smiley's and sat
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: down to wait. So he sat there a good while,
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: thinking and thinking to hisself, and then he got the
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: frog out and pried his mouth open, and took a
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: sea spoon and filled him full of quail, shop filled
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: him pretty near up to his chin, and set him
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: on the floor. Smiley he went to the swamp and
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: slopped round in the mud for a long time, and
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: finally he catched a frog and fetched him in and
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: give him to this feller and says, now, if you're ready,
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: set him alongside a Daniel with his forepaws, just even
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: with Daniels, and I'll give the word. Then he says, one,
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: two three, git him, and the feller touched up the
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: frogs from behind, and the new frog hopped off lively.
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: But Daniel give a heave and hosted up his shoulders
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: so like a Frenchman. But it warn't no use. He
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: couldn't budge. He was planted as solid as a church,
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: and he couldn't no more stir than if he was
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: anchored out. Smiley was a good deal surprised, and he
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: was disgusted too, but he didn't have no idea what
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: the matter was. Of course, the feller took the money
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: and started away, and when he was going out at
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: the door, he sort of jerked his thumb over his
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: shoulder so at Daniel and says again, very deliberate. Well,
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: he says, I don't see no pounce about that frog
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: that's any better an any other frog. Smiling, he stood
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: scratching his head and looking down at Daniel a long time,
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: and at last says, I do wonder what in the
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: nation that frog throwed off? For? I wonder if there
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: ain't somethin the matter with him. He pears to look
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: mighty baggy somehow, And he catched Daniel up by the
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: nap of the neck, and hefted him and says, why
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: blame my cats if he don't weigh five pounds, and
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: turned him upside down, and he belched out a double
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: handful of shot. Then he sees how it was, and
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: he was the maddest man. He set the frog down
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: and took out after that feller, but it never catched him.
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: And here Simon Wheeler heard his name called from the
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: front yard, and got up to see what was wanted,
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: and turning to me as he moved away, he said,
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: jest set where you are, stranger, Rest easy. I ain't
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: going to be gone a second, but by your leave.
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: I did not think that a continuation of the history
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: of the enterprising vagabond Jim Smiley would be likely to
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: afford me much information concerning the Reverend Leonidus W. Smiley,
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: And so I started away at the door. I met
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: the sociable wheeler returning, and he button holed me and recommenced, well,
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: this yere Smiley had a yowler one eyed cow that
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: didn't have no tail, only just a short stamp like
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: a banana. And however, lacking both time and inclination, I
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: did not wait to hear about the afflicted cow, but
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: took my leave. End of story eight