Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Reflecting To Create Change - in your life, relationships, as you navigate divorce

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Reflecting To Create Change - in your life, relationships, as you navigate divorce · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartnell, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: In soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: Moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the Wurrentry people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: And in today's episode, I'm going to lead you through reflection, reflecting to create change in your life, in the new year, and beyond.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: And to start, I wanted to explain a little bit about the backstory of Reflect because there are a lot of new listeners, and this might be your first time listening to the podcast.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: So I just thought I'd share a little bit about that backstory, you know, reflect coaching, reflect, reclaim, and liberate.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's why.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: Now, the reason it's called Reflect, the choice of name for my coaching business was really conscious.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: You know, to reflect is to give something serious thought or consideration.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: And our relationships, regardless of the season that they're in, really deserve our serious thought or consideration.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: Whether we are re-evaluating a relationship, whether we're asking the should I stay, should I go questions, feeling really challenged in a relationship, moving through, navigating separation, divorce, even reorganizing family life and parenting, co-parenting afterwards, our relationships really deserve our serious thought consideration, our reflection.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I believe that to create meaningful, purposeful, conscious change in our life, in our relationships, it really requires us to start with reflection.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to change something, your life, your relationship, the way you're moving through or navigating your separation, your divorce, or your parenting relationship, co-parenting after divorce, it starts with a reflection.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's why the business is called Reflect Coaching.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: And that is also why the podcast is called Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: And my coaching, one of my core coaching programs is called Reclaim and Liberate.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: So reflection as the starting point of not even creating change, the starting point of desiring something different, desiring change to lead you then through a reclamation of what is most important for you, most important to you in this season of your life, in this season of your relationship, in this chapter of your life.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: And then towards your personal liberation, be that in a relationship or moving out of a relationship.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: So partly this episode is going to be about just leading you through a process that I often use with clients and that often comes up at sort of crash points in life.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: You know, be that the end of the year and the beginning of a new year, be that the ending of a relationship and the beginning of a new chapter.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: And it's when we're called to or you know invited to by whatever life has dished up for us to really reflect on where we are, where we've been, what you most want to shift or change or call in or create next for yourself.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: You know, where we think about what is working in life, love relationship, what isn't working, what do I wish were different for myself?
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: What do I wish to experience differently?
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: How am I showing up in my relationship through my divorce?
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: And if I want something to be different, how am I willing to be different?
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: So really starting with that reflection, it all starts with looking, looking inward, looking backward, reflecting.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: And that leads to insight, an opening.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: But at first, you need that reflection, you need to lead with curiosity and reflect what is it that I want to shift or change.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: And as I said, it's often at you know the changing of a season, something a significant life moment, or you know, the end of a new year, the start of a new year.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: So right about now is a really great time to pause and reflect, to think about what change or shift or difference you want to create for yourself.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: So looking back across the year, you know, from this point, end of December, look back across the year that's just gone and reflect on key moments, key learnings, um key events, things that you wanted to call in, things that you wanted to change, have they changed?
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: So reflecting on the on the year that's just past, what has already shifted, changed, where have you learned, where have you grown, where have you stayed the same, where perhaps are you stuck?
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: So looking back across the year and really reflecting on where you are right now and then looking forward, then looking forward, reflecting too, what are you grateful for across the time period, but also right now in this key moment?
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, even if you're in the messy middle of a divorce, separation, and it's challenging and it's hard and it's painful and it's raw, what are you grateful for within that?
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: What lessons have you already learned?
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: What has worked well for you in the in this immediate past, maybe it's year or six months, and what are you calling more of into your life?
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: What are you letting go of?
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: What's no longer for you or good for you or what or what you want in your life?
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: And then, of course, how are you going to change that?
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: How are you planning to change that?
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: How are you going to be different?
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Now, reflection can be done in isolation, it can be done as a solitary solo exercise, but it's also really great, it's a really great part of the process to have someone hold that mirror up to you to help you reflect, to help you reflect back, you know, to to do this reflection process with someone who can create a really safe space for you.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, that can be a partner or a friend, a trusted person in your life.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: And there's also real power in doing this work with someone who is not emotionally invested in you and your life and can be an objective mirror and show you perhaps your blind spots, point things out that you might not see, or that you might choose to step over or dodge around.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because creating the change you most want going forward, even beginning to look at what you want to shift or change, can be really hard to do in isolation because of our ingrained belief systems, our learnings, our childhood experience and childhood woundings, our attachment styles, our patterns of behaviour, all of those things which come into and impact our capacity to be objective about our own selves.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: And they're so deeply, some of them are so deeply held and so deeply ingrained that they're actually hard for us to see for ourselves.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, this can be a solitary exercise and process, but it's really, really powerful to bring someone else in, someone who can create that emotional safety for you.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, I'm gonna say it's a great thing to do with someone outside of your social circles, someone completely objective who can point out those blind spots, who can lead you through the process and perhaps take you on a deeper journey, a deeper level.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: So that could be a therapist, and of course, I'm gonna say that could be a coach.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, if you'd like that coach to be me, there's always an opportunity to book a free intro call in the show notes and we can chat about how that could look.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: The next step to creating meaningful change is to reprogram or rewire, right?
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's an inside job.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: So reflection to bring you insight and awareness, and the next step is action.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: And again, it's really good and really powerful and super supportive to have someone else on board here as a supporter and a cheerleader, a nudger, a coach, and that could be, as I said, therapist, coach, paid, objective, independent person, or just someone on board so that they can support you, be your cheerleader to support you, help you, hold you as you make these conscious changes because change is incremental.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: You will step forward, you will slide back.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: Great to have somebody also on board supporting and cheerleading you.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we are wired from really early life, from childhood, from family of origin, from lived life experiences, um, from our past, particularly experiences through relationships, to behave in certain ways.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: We have each of us has our own inbuilt hardwired behavior pattern and default behaviors.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: So when we consciously choose to change them, it feels initially one, really exciting, and then two, also uncomfortable.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: It feels weird and it feels new, and then we may respond to that feeling of discomfort rather than the excitement of wanting to create change.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: What we do is we tip into or tap into that discomfort and change back.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: Slip back.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: We might become sort of defensive and frustrated and angry or slip backwards.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: So we need to repeat and repeat and repeat the new behavior until it feels less uncomfortable, until it feels less alien, less foreign, and also less exciting, until it feels less uncomfortable, until it starts to feel boring and normal.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: And that's hard to do without support, without a cheerleader, without a a pit crew, basically.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard to maintain that consistent effort to create new habits and shift old patterns of behavior, particularly if those old patterns of behavior are in relationship with another person who is not necessarily meeting you in the shift.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: So you need to build a little bit of a team around you.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: Be yet friend, friends, or paid supporters, as I said, a coach or a therapist.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: Get someone else on board to support you to be in forward momentum, forward movement, forward growth and change.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: Someone else who's uh committed to supporting you to create the change that you say you most want to create.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because we all know, right?
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: We all know what it takes to change something in ourselves.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: We all know what it takes to change, say, an unhealthy habit, you know.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: We all know that creating a healthy, well physical body, for example, involves eating nourishing food, drinking less alcohol, not choosing not to smoke or vape, moving your body.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: But how many of us, how many times attempt that change, start that change, and slide back into old habits?
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: And it's the same with creating and sustaining any meaningful change in the way we think, in the way we behave, in the way we interact in relationships.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's not just knowing what to do.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, it starts with reflection: what is working, what is not working, what do I want to change, what do I want to shift?
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: Reflection leads to insight, insight create a plan, a plan of knowing what to do.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's not just the knowing of what to do, it's the action, the consistent action, the doing, and it also takes internal shifts.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: It takes shifting our mindset.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: So things like mindfulness and meditation can be helpful, journaling, if that's your thing, um, challenging our own thought patterns, challenging our inner critic, working on the way we speak to and about ourselves, working on our old wounds, childhood wounding, attachment, um, attachment style and attachment healing, relational healing, communication healing.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: So it's the internal stuff as well as the action, the doing.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: And it's it's in practicing, practicing, noticing, practicing, choosing differently.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: So choosing different behaviors, but first practicing, noticing those patterns when they show up.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: So reflecting, leading to insight, recognition, this is something I want to change.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: Practice noticing it, and then actively choosing differently, choosing a different behavior, choosing a different inner dialogue, choosing to tell yourself a different version of the story, choosing to change or shift or choose different thought patterns.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: So it's the consistent, continued attempts that are important, and that's why a cheerleader or a support crew is really important to celebrate your attempts even when you slip back, even when you drop back into old patterns.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: You know, changing tone of voice has been um personally really important for me over the last few years.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and it's an ongoing practice, it's an ongoing choice.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: It is something that I've reflected on, and I know that at times I speak harshly.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: I have a really busy brain, and there's a whole lot of things going on in it, and sometimes what comes out of my mouth is harsh, and I am actively working on changing it.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm better at it, am I perfect?
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: No, and my daughter called me out just the other day, um, and so I build her or I have built her into my change practice, not to outsource it, not to give her the responsibility, but just to tell remind her, tell sorry, to ask her to call me out on it if I slip up, when I slip up.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, it's about me noticing my tone, it's me doing the inner work, it's me dialing down, you know, my pissed offness or my busyness or my shock or surprise, it's me managing all the things that are going on, you know, in and around me so I can be present in the moment and speak from my gentle place, speak gently, speak kindly, you know, manage and change my tone.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: But when I slip up, it's really important to have those other people, those other supporters around me to say, Hey, hang on a sec, um, I can apologize, I can try again.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: So it is a it is in the attempt.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: I share that because it's in the attempt over time, until this tone of voice thing will hopefully be really, really shifted, changed, eradicated until it becomes my new reality, until being mindful and present and not in my busy brain, mindful and present when I'm connecting with other humans, apologizing when I get it wrong, celebrating myself when I get it right, but celebrating and honouring the attempt as well as the shift, the growth, the expansion, the success.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: So it's about consistent effort and attempt, even if you step back into old patterns or slide back unknowingly into old rhythms or routines.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: So awareness and noticing your default.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: What is your default position?
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: What is your default behavior?
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: What is your default choice around the thing that you most want to shift or change?
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: Getting to know that default is really important so you can recognize it.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yes, there you are, harsh tone of voice, I recognize you, and then actively choosing to take small steps in the opposite direction of your default position.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: It will be difficult, it will be uncomfortable.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: So be prepared for it to feel outside of your comfort zone uncomfortable because it will.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: And as humans, we are hardwired to avoid discomfort.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: So you will slide back into old patterns because it feels comfortable, it is known, it is what you know, it feels comfortable.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: Pushing outside of that, creating the change that you most want feels uncomfortable, but also the change and the shift in the backsliding or stepping backwards will also be incremental.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you might not notice either the positive change or the backslide.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: It'll be a slow and gradual stepping forward over time, consistent effort required, consistent attempt.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: And when you do backslide, over time there will be less of it, less backsliding.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: You'll also slide back less far and you'll notice your backslide more quickly and course correct yourself more quickly, choose differently more quickly.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: You'll exit something or end something earlier.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: So recognize that mistakes and sidesteps, backsliding, they're all part of the process, they're part of the growth and part of creating change.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_00: They are not necessarily bad.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: Celebrate your attempts, recognize your backslides, and honour your forward movement over time.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: And so, a question for you.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: As we close out this year, as we open a new year, what change do you most want to make for yourself in your life, in your relationship, in your thinking, as you navigate your separation, your divorce, as you step into something new?
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: What is the change that you most want to make?
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: I invite you to reflect on that, to allow that reflection to bring insight, to explore so that you can recognise your default position on this issue, and I guess accept this invitation to consciously choose to create something different for yourself.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: What is the one thing you would shift or change or create more of, create less of in your life in this next chapter?
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_00: This work is perfect to do in session with me.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: You knew I was gonna say that, right?
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: And you might not be quite ready to launch into a full coaching experience with me or a full package of five or ten sessions.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: I do offer a one-off refresh session, 75 minutes on Zoom with me with follow-up messaging support so I can cheerlead you and support you to create those incremental changes.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's perfect for doing this type of work, it's the perfect Kickstarter and really perfect for this time of year, the new year.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's a great gift for you, for yourself, or for someone you know without it needing to be about leaving a relationship or divorce.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's an opportunity to have my deep one-on-one support in reflecting, gaining insight, having that mirror held up to you so that you can look at what you most want to shift or change, create a plan forward, and then have some ongoing support and cheerleading so that you can implement the plan and affect the change.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'll drop a link in the show notes to book a session, book a refresh session, or if you want a little bit more information, we can jump on a call and chat through options.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you as always for being here.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: This is the last podcast episode for 2023, as I said at the beginning.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_00: There'll be a break over January, and we will be back here together for more Reflect, Reclaim, and Liberate come February 2024.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: Have a great new year reflecting, reclaiming, and liberating as you move into 2024.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.