Latest / Therapy Thursday with Ellen K / I'm Finally Putting Myself First

Transcript

I'm Finally Putting Myself First · Therapy Thursday with Ellen K

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Think back to when we were kids, right? I almost
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: felt like our moms didn't take breaks. So it's almost like,
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: are they coming into this modern age with maybe not
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: the same understanding of what it is to be a
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: mom in 2026 versus 1986?
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: No, I think that's an excellent point because I think
• 0:21
  Speaker 2: we have different expectations. I think we have different understanding
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: about what mental health looks like.
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 0:32
  Speaker 3: What makes you feel good?
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 0:34
  Speaker 4: Think about those everyday little things that make you feel good.
• 0:37
  Speaker 4: I was hugging my son recently and I realized, you know,
• 0:41
  Speaker 4: if you're a single guy and you're in your twenties
• 0:45
  Speaker 4: and you're kind of dating, but whatever, you're going through
• 0:48
  Speaker 4: life and you're working and all, when do you ever
• 0:50
  Speaker 4: get hugged?
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: It's a good question.
• 0:54
  Speaker 5: Like a real hug, not like a bro hug, a
• 0:56
  Speaker 5: side hug.
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 0:57
  Speaker 5: No, like a hug hug.
• 0:58
  Speaker 4: Like a real hug, like someone who just wants to
• 1:00
  Speaker 4: hug you and embrace. Like really, I wonder if we
• 1:05
  Speaker 4: just all got hugged a little more, if life would
• 1:08
  Speaker 4: just be better.
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: I think it's really important. I mean, human touch is
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: an integral part of well-being. Yeah.
• 1:16
  Speaker 3: Yeah. Ryan over here, he doesn't like to be touched.
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: I don't.
• 1:21
  Speaker 3: Do you really not?
• 1:22
  Speaker 5: No, I'm serious.
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: And it's, it's not like I'm like, I'll take a,
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: I'll take a hug, but I just think they last
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: too long. I think that, and then when I want
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: to break the hug, a lot of times my girlfriend
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: will be like, just why are you, you don't want to, like.
• 1:34
  Speaker 5: You're squirming away.
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: Like you're trying to escape. Yeah.
• 1:37
  Speaker 5: But I, it's just like, I feel like, okay, what
• 1:39
  Speaker 5: are we doing after eight seconds?
• 1:40
  Speaker 3: Sarah, what is that? You're a licensed therapist. What, what
• 1:43
  Speaker 3: is that? It's not a fear.
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: It's just a, well, I think sometimes it's just a
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: physical response. Like it doesn't feel like it can feel,
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: I don't really like crowding.
• 1:53
  Speaker 3: Have you ever.
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: Heard the hug thing about Disney and the Disney characters?
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: It's the coolest story. Supposedly, when children, they'll run to
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: Mickey or Donald and give him a big hug. The
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: rule for the characters is you always let the child
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: break the hug. that is amazing and it just it
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: warmed my heart it was just the sweetest thing because
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: you see the little children like they run and they
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: get so excited so.
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: Yes i want that same grace given to me i
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: should be the child if you're mickey mouse let me
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: break the.
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: Hook ryan should be the one to break you.
• 2:25
  Speaker 4: Know i decide when this is over not you you
• 2:28
  Speaker 4: never even want to enter into the hug um.
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: We have a a listener named monica should we call monica.
• 2:34
  Speaker 4: Yeah let's call her monica wants to talk to you
• 2:37
  Speaker 4: sarah mostly in She's putting herself first for the first
• 2:40
  Speaker 4: time ever in her life.
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: I love to hear that.
• 2:42
  Speaker 6: Yes.
• 2:42
  Speaker 5: Okay, here we go.
• 2:43
  Speaker 4: I think that we don't do that enough. I have
• 2:48
  Speaker 4: to tell you guys a story of something that I
• 2:52
  Speaker 4: did that I didn't even realize I was doing.
• 2:53
  Speaker 3: I'm so happy I did it when I did it
• 2:55
  Speaker 3: because now- As a mother? As a mother, yeah.
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: Okay, I really want to hear that.
• 2:59
  Speaker 6: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hello?
• 3:03
  Speaker 3: Hey, Monica.
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: Hi.
• 3:05
  Speaker 6: Hey.
• 3:06
  Speaker 4: It's your Therapy Thursday podcast.
• 3:09
  Speaker 3: How are you?
• 3:10
  Speaker 6: I'm great. How are you?
• 3:12
  Speaker 3: Good.
• 3:14
  Speaker 4: So we were just talking about hugging, but we thought, Monica,
• 3:18
  Speaker 4: let's get you on with Sarah Dash because we know
• 3:20
  Speaker 4: that you have some stuff to talk about.
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: Hey, Monica. What's going on?
• 3:26
  Speaker 6: Hello. So, yeah, for the first time in my life,
• 3:30
  Speaker 6: I'm putting myself first. I started saying no to family
• 3:34
  Speaker 6: dinner sometimes. I'll take Saturdays for morning yoga. I stopped
• 3:38
  Speaker 6: answering work emails after six. And once a month, I
• 3:41
  Speaker 6: check into a local hotel by myself just to recharge.
• 3:45
  Speaker 3: That sounds like fun. I love that. Room service and spa,
• 3:49
  Speaker 3: maybe a massage.
• 3:52
  Speaker 6: Totally. And my husband supports me mostly, but my sister
• 3:55
  Speaker 6: says I've become high maintenance. And my mom keeps reminding
• 3:58
  Speaker 6: me that good mothers don't need vacations from their families. Okay.
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: Oh. I think motherhood is the only job in the
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: world where we would even suggest that somebody never take
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: a vacation.
• 4:12
  Speaker 3: That's true.
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: I mean, any other job on the planet.
• 4:16
  Speaker 4: Yes.
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: No, you can't take a day off.
• 4:19
  Speaker 3: You can't.
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: It means you're horrible at your job and also you
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: hate it.
• 4:23
  Speaker 3: Oh, okay.
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: It's ridiculous.
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 4:25
  Speaker 6: The worst part is my kids have started asking why
• 4:28
  Speaker 6: mommy always needs a break.
• 4:32
  Speaker 3: Oh, so.
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: Where do you think that message is coming from?
• 4:36
  Speaker 3: Not them.
• 4:39
  Speaker 6: Probably my mother-in-law, I would think so, or my mom. But,
• 4:43
  Speaker 6: I mean, I don't know. I don't feel selfish. I
• 4:45
  Speaker 6: feel sane for the first time in years. But how
• 4:48
  Speaker 6: do you know when self-care crosses the line into neglecting
• 4:51
  Speaker 6: people that you love?
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: I think you know when they're neglected. I mean, are
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: you coming home from the hotel and your kids are
• 4:59
  Speaker 2: covered in filth and they haven't eaten? I mean, neglected people,
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: they show neglect.
• 5:04
  Speaker 6: That's right.
• 5:05
  Speaker 5: You wear neglect pretty obviously.
• 5:12
  Speaker 6: They're nice and clean and fed. It's just, I guess,
• 5:14
  Speaker 6: they miss me.
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 5:16
  Speaker 3: Do you miss them when you're away for the weekend?
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: Of course.
• 5:20
  Speaker 6: But, you know, it makes me a better mom to
• 5:23
  Speaker 6: be able to, you know, recharge and get some energy back,
• 5:27
  Speaker 6: you know?
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: I mean, self-care, ideally... increases our capacity to be present for.
• 5:33
  Speaker 5: The people we love. I mean, it really.
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: Is, I think, essential, especially for moms. How old are
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: your kids?
• 5:41
  Speaker 6: They're seven and nine.
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 5:44
  Speaker 4: And how often do you do this?
• 5:46
  Speaker 3: Is it once a month or is it once a week?
• 5:49
  Speaker 3: What's your frequency?
• 5:51
  Speaker 6: Maybe at most like twice a month, but really mostly
• 5:54
  Speaker 6: like just once a month or so.
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 5:55
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 5:57
  Speaker 5: Let me ask you a question.
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: You said your husband supports you mostly, which I thought
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: was an interesting way to put that.
• 6:03
  Speaker 5: That word stood out in my head.
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: Does he get the same for himself? Does he take
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: care of himself the way you're taking care of yourself?
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: Good question.
• 6:12
  Speaker 6: You know, he's got his own hobbies and things that
• 6:15
  Speaker 6: he likes to do, and I don't question him about it.
• 6:18
  Speaker 6: I let him have his time, so.
• 6:21
  Speaker 5: But what is that?
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: What is that time? Like when you say hobbies and stuff,
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: like is he going fishing for a weekend? Is he
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: going to a casino? Like what's his thing?
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: Oh, no.
• 6:32
  Speaker 6: Or like maybe a weekend thing here and there, but
• 6:36
  Speaker 6: not like every month like me.
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 6:38
  Speaker 3: Okay, so every once in a while he'll strip off
• 6:40
  Speaker 3: a little getaway.
• 6:43
  Speaker 6: Right.
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: It also sounds like he's getting more small hobbies. Excursions
• 6:49
  Speaker 2: from family responsibility where she's taking the single day off
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: during the month that he's doing these little mini breaks. And,
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: you know, I'm kind of curious about your mother and
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: your sister and the messages that you got around motherhood,
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: the messages that they got around motherhood when you were
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: growing up.
• 7:13
  Speaker 6: Yeah, I mean, I just, I think that they are
• 7:15
  Speaker 6: on the page of like, you're not allowed to take
• 7:18
  Speaker 6: a break. You have to be there 24-7. So they
• 7:21
  Speaker 6: just have a different point of view and they don't
• 7:24
  Speaker 6: get what I want to do.
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: What does it mean for a mother to need a break?
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: What's the story that you tell yourselves around that as
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: women in this family?
• 7:38
  Speaker 6: Well, I mean, I just tell them, like I said,
• 7:40
  Speaker 6: that I want to be a better mom. I want
• 7:42
  Speaker 6: to be a better person in general. So that's the
• 7:45
  Speaker 6: reasoning behind needing a break here and there.
• 7:48
  Speaker 4: Are you in the habit now of having this me
• 7:52
  Speaker 4: time or do you really need it?
• 7:55
  Speaker 3: Do they drive you to the brink?
• 8:00
  Speaker 6: Don't tie me to the brink, but I think that
• 8:02
  Speaker 6: I deserve it. Maybe I don't need it, but I
• 8:05
  Speaker 6: think that I still deserve it. And that anybody in general,
• 8:08
  Speaker 6: even if you don't have kids, you need to take
• 8:10
  Speaker 6: some time to yourself to just recharge.
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: You do. I mean, I think it's really important that
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: you are showing your children that love is not synonymous
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: with like limitless self-sacrifice. Yeah.
• 8:24
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: Because they... I think if we're trained to believe that
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: that's what love looks like, then as adults, we have
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: unrealistic expectations of a partner. And that's not fair to
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: anyone in that situation. And, you know, as far as
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: your mother and your sister, I think it's disappointing that
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: they're not more supportive of you. And the idea that,
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: I don't know, limitless availability is part of being a
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: good mom is I don't think is accurate.
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: But let me ask you a question, Sarah. Think back
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: to when we were kids, right? I almost felt like
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: our moms didn't take breaks.
• 9:02
  Speaker 3: Never.
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: So it's almost like, are they coming into this modern
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: age with maybe not the same understanding of what it
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: is to be a mom in 2026 versus 1986?
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: No, I think that's an excellent point because I think
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: we have different expectations. I think we have different understanding
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: about what mental health looks like.
• 9:24
  Speaker 5: Yes.
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: What self-care looks like. Yep.
• 9:29
  Speaker 6: Yeah, I mean, I think if she was on the
• 9:32
  Speaker 6: other foot, if they needed a break, I would be
• 9:35
  Speaker 6: supportive of them, you know?
• 9:37
  Speaker 4: Even if it was every month or even twice a month?
• 9:41
  Speaker 6: Yeah, absolutely. I'd offer to watch the kids or something.
• 9:44
  Speaker 6: I would just be supportive. And, you know, whatever you
• 9:46
  Speaker 6: need to take care of you, go for it.
• 9:51
  Speaker 4: Yes.
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: Well, I don't believe that a good mother means that
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: you erase yourself. And that's what I'm hearing that your mother.
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: and your sister are kind of proposing. But, I mean,
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: I think Ryan does make a good point where I
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: think at one time it was considered admirable to have
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: no needs. Yes. Yes.
• 10:12
  Speaker 3: That's right.
• 10:13
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 10:13
  Speaker 6: But that's like, we're not there anymore.
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: No, we are absolutely not there anymore. Thank goodness.
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: But sometimes I think it takes people a long time
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: to catch up from that. They go, this is how
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: I raised you. So this is how you should raise
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: your children.
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 10:25
  Speaker 5: It's that thinking hasn't adapted to modern times.
• 10:31
  Speaker 6: Right.
• 10:32
  Speaker 4: And when you, when you come back from excursion, um,
• 10:36
  Speaker 4: do you feel like, Oh my God, you walk through
• 10:39
  Speaker 4: the door.
• 10:39
  Speaker 3: I'm so happy to be home.
• 10:41
  Speaker 4: And, and I got all this endless energy and I'm
• 10:45
  Speaker 4: just going to be all about you. Like, do you,
• 10:47
  Speaker 4: are you euphoric when you, after you had some me time?
• 10:52
  Speaker 6: Yeah, absolutely. It's, it's refreshing and it makes me just
• 10:56
  Speaker 6: really appreciate being around my family and they appreciate me more.
• 11:00
  Speaker 6: So I think that it's overall, it really benefits everybody.
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: I think it sounds like it does. If you're describing
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: feeling sane, that means that you are experiencing significant mental
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: health benefits from taking these breaks. And, I mean, I
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: don't believe that children need constant availability. I think they
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: need predictive availability. But that's different. And I think it's
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: important that you teach your children self-care. That as humans,
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: we're allowed to have needs and we all deserve rest. Yes.
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: I also made a note of something you said in
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: the very beginning. You said, and.
• 11:44
  Speaker 5: I take detailed notes.
• 11:45
  Speaker 3: I know you do.
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: You said every word.
• 11:47
  Speaker 3: You said mostly.
• 11:49
  Speaker 5: No, she did. And that stood out to me.
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: But you also said putting myself first. And I wonder
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: if that's the problem. If you're telling everyone, if you're
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: walking around going, I'm putting myself first.
• 11:58
  Speaker 3: There's an off.
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 12:00
  Speaker 5: There's an off putting nature about that sentence.
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: Yes.
• 12:03
  Speaker 3: It leaves you open to attack. Yeah.
• 12:05
  Speaker 5: I'm putting myself first. Now you sound like I don't.
• 12:08
  Speaker 4: Okay.
• 12:08
  Speaker 6: Now you're.
• 12:09
  Speaker 3: Yeah. Okay. Miss first.
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 12:12
  Speaker 3: Where maybe if you said, um, I'm going to go recharge.
• 12:17
  Speaker 5: There's a better way to say it.
• 12:18
  Speaker 3: Rejuvenate.
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah. That could be.
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: I think it's the presentation you're giving that's making people
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: kind of go, ew.
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: You know, I think so too because I don't think
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: it's about time away from your family because I don't
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: think that if your mom or your sister, you were like, okay,
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: instead of going to the hotel, I'm going to stay
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: at your house. I'm going to clean your home.
• 12:38
  Speaker 5: From top to bottom.
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: I'm not even going to sleep. I'm just going to
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: do 36 hours of manual labor at your home. I
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: don't think you would be called selfish or high maintenance.
• 12:47
  Speaker 3: Right, right.
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: So, again, maybe it's just, I mean, I don't know.
• 12:51
  Speaker 3: Maybe we need rebranding.
• 12:52
  Speaker 5: It's a branding issue.
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 12:54
  Speaker 3: Rebranding.
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: I mean, I don't think you should have to rebrand yourself.
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: I think for you to put yourself first is a
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: beautiful thing. I think more mothers need to do that. However,
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: if you think that you would get less pushback by reframing,
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: it may be worth doing as long as you keep
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: doing it. Because I think this is essential for your
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: mental health, and I would hate to see that change.
• 13:15
  Speaker 6: Well, I appreciate that. I think that's a really good,
• 13:17
  Speaker 6: good way to put it.
• 13:18
  Speaker 4: I want to know what the husband, your husband and
• 13:21
  Speaker 4: your kids do that is wearing you out.
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 13:28
  Speaker 6: Uh, well, I mean, they just, you know, they're high,
• 13:30
  Speaker 6: they're high energy. They just, they really, they go all
• 13:33
  Speaker 6: the time.
• 13:34
  Speaker 3: So a lot of sports and time in the car
• 13:36
  Speaker 3: and all that stuff.
• 13:37
  Speaker 6: Yeah, there's always somewhere to be. There's always something to do.
• 13:40
  Speaker 6: There's always something to clean up after. So it definitely
• 13:44
  Speaker 6: wears on you after time.
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: Listen, I got to tell you, in my situation, my
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: girlfriend co-parents with her ex, and those days when they're
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: with their dad, that is full recharge day. I mean,
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: I'm not saying that she likes not having the kids
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: in the house, but I see what it does when
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: you can take a breath.
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: Well, it's an opportunity for her to not be needed
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: by other people.
• 14:07
  Speaker 3: Oh, right.
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 14:08
  Speaker 4: It's like when my husband goes on a trip and
• 14:11
  Speaker 4: I don't have to even think about like, is there
• 14:13
  Speaker 4: food in the fridge? You know, all that stuff. Or
• 14:18
  Speaker 4: even walking through the door and having conversations.
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 14:21
  Speaker 3: It's kind of like, oh, wow, I'm out on my own.
• 14:23
  Speaker 4: And it almost makes you feel like you're when you
• 14:25
  Speaker 4: were before you had any responsibility.
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 14:29
  Speaker 3: You know what I mean?
• 14:29
  Speaker 4: And checking into a hotel always does that for me,
• 14:31
  Speaker 4: whether I'm with my family or not. I feel like
• 14:34
  Speaker 4: I don't have to wash towels.
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: I love it. Nothing.
• 14:37
  Speaker 4: Like they're going to make my bed and I can
• 14:40
  Speaker 4: call up to get anything to eat or drink. It's
• 14:42
  Speaker 4: like there's that feeling of being with no responsibility. So
• 14:46
  Speaker 4: maybe you're actually the best kind of mother because you
• 14:49
  Speaker 4: take on so much responsibility.
• 14:51
  Speaker 3: Mm-hmm.
• 14:53
  Speaker 6: Exactly. Like, I really, I think that, like, it's just
• 14:57
  Speaker 6: exactly what you just said, but you hit it on
• 14:59
  Speaker 6: the head right there.
• 15:00
  Speaker 5: Hotel life is really lawless.
• 15:02
  Speaker 3: It is so good.
• 15:03
  Speaker 5: It's like, I'm just going to have champagne.
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: I feel like I'm going to watch Groundhog Day because
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: it's on.
• 15:07
  Speaker 6: I don't know.
• 15:08
  Speaker 3: It's so good.
• 15:09
  Speaker 6: Lawless.
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: It's so good.
• 15:10
  Speaker 3: There's no rules.
• 15:12
  Speaker 6: Yeah.
• 15:12
  Speaker 5: I like it.
• 15:16
  Speaker 6: Well, I mean.
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: I don't hear anything particularly selfish or self-indulgent. I hear,
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: someone who's setting some boundaries for the first time in
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: your life. I think if you're not somebody who's had
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: really strong boundaries, that can actually feel selfish at first,
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: especially if you're told that you're selfish. But that's when you,
• 15:35
  Speaker 2: I don't know, just have to maintain a sense of self.
• 15:39
  Speaker 3: So let's do this. Let's load her lip.
• 15:42
  Speaker 4: We want to load your lip, Monica, so that when
• 15:44
  Speaker 4: the sister and the mother come back around and criticize you,
• 15:48
  Speaker 4: that you have an answer to shut them down.
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 15:52
  Speaker 4: And I don't know what that would be, but there's
• 15:57
  Speaker 4: got to be something that you could say that would
• 16:00
  Speaker 4: just make them never bring it up again.
• 16:02
  Speaker 2: Ooh, yeah.
• 16:04
  Speaker 3: You know what I mean? Like, I don't know.
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: Do you think it would be something like, and I
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: don't want to start an unhelpful dialogue with the mother,
• 16:13
  Speaker 2: but say, I am parenting differently. What worked for you
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: does not work for me.
• 16:18
  Speaker 3: Oh, Sarah, that's great.
• 16:20
  Speaker 2: Mm-hmm.
• 16:20
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's age of the sister too. Yeah, exactly.
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: And there's a part of me that wonders if they're
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: envious of your ability to take time for yourself.
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: And if you really want to start a war, my
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: thought would be like you say to your mom, you know,
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: maybe if you did this, you would have been a
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: better mother.
• 16:38
  Speaker 3: Oh, Ryan.
• 16:40
  Speaker 6: I don't know.
• 16:42
  Speaker 5: There's just some options for you to think about, Monica.
• 16:47
  Speaker 2: Or a cautionary tale about what not to say.
• 16:50
  Speaker 3: Yeah. Well, good luck, Monica. All right.
• 16:53
  Speaker 6: Thank you.
• 16:54
  Speaker 4: I got to tell you, I was invited on so
• 16:57
  Speaker 4: many girls weekends when my son was little.
• 17:00
  Speaker 3: So many.
• 17:01
  Speaker 4: And they were close by too. It wasn't like a
• 17:04
  Speaker 4: flyaway thing. It would be like, let's go down to
• 17:06
  Speaker 4: the golf course down in Newport beach. There's this great
• 17:09
  Speaker 4: new hotel. We'll have dinner together and then we'll get,
• 17:13
  Speaker 4: you know, a couple of these suites next to each
• 17:16
  Speaker 4: other and we'll go do spas and all that stuff.
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: Sounds great.
• 17:19
  Speaker 4: I went to one, one time. We had, I think,
• 17:22
  Speaker 4: eight of us. We sat at a table. It took
• 17:25
  Speaker 4: forever to order dinner, to get our drinks. Then we
• 17:29
  Speaker 4: all go back to our rooms and then nobody wanted
• 17:32
  Speaker 4: to do the same thing. It turned into hell.
• 17:34
  Speaker 5: Really?
• 17:34
  Speaker 4: I could not stand it. And I was like, I
• 17:37
  Speaker 4: don't think I've made for a girl's weekend. Maybe with
• 17:41
  Speaker 4: a girlfriend like Sarah, if we like went somewhere, it's
• 17:43
  Speaker 4: much easier.
• 17:44
  Speaker 5: Yeah, it's controlled.
• 17:44
  Speaker 4: We had eight women and then there's, oh, someone always
• 17:47
  Speaker 4: wants to make all the plans.
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 17:49
  Speaker 4: And I have us going to this museum and then
• 17:51
  Speaker 4: we're going to do spa here. Ellen, you're going to
• 17:53
  Speaker 4: do your nails while I get the massage and then
• 17:55
  Speaker 4: we're going to flip flop.
• 17:56
  Speaker 3: It was like that. And I was like, I feel
• 17:58
  Speaker 3: like I'm in fricking prison camp.
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: It doesn't sound like it's not enjoyable. It doesn't sound
• 18:03
  Speaker 2: relaxing in the least.
• 18:04
  Speaker 4: And it was so expensive. And I got back after
• 18:07
  Speaker 4: that weekend, I said to my husband, never again. And
• 18:10
  Speaker 4: it costs like a couple grand. Like I just paid
• 18:14
  Speaker 4: to be miserable in this situation.
• 18:16
  Speaker 3: I couldn't stand it.
• 18:18
  Speaker 5: Well, lesson learned.
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 18:19
  Speaker 3: Lesson learned. I never went on another girl's weekend.
• 18:21
  Speaker 2: I mean, it sounds like it was really unpleasant and
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: I mean, you make a good point that who we
• 18:26
  Speaker 2: choose to spend this time with is very important because
• 18:30
  Speaker 2: we're going to be absorbing that energy. And if you're slammed,
• 18:33
  Speaker 2: the last thing you want to do is be in
• 18:34
  Speaker 2: another situation that's going to cause stress.
• 18:36
  Speaker 3: Yeah, exactly.
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: I read something that like, I honestly, you're okay. So,
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: and I'm probably getting this wrong, but your involvement of
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: a getaway decreases by like 15% with each person that's
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: added to it.
• 18:47
  Speaker 3: No way. That's interesting. That is true.
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: Seriously.
• 18:50
  Speaker 5: Because of, because of what you just described.
• 18:52
  Speaker 3: Nobody, nobody is in cahoots with the other. Like everyone.
• 18:57
  Speaker 3: It's the same.
• 18:58
  Speaker 5: Even like at a theme park day.
• 18:59
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: If you go with like four people, it's like, oh,
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: this sucks.
• 19:02
  Speaker 5: If you go with one person, it's just it's more streamlined.
• 19:05
  Speaker 4: I was just with all of my brothers and sisters
• 19:07
  Speaker 4: and their spouses. We did like a little family reunion.
• 19:09
  Speaker 3: So there were 12 total.
• 19:11
  Speaker 4: We had so much peace because there were enough people
• 19:14
  Speaker 4: where my sister would say, who wants to go for
• 19:16
  Speaker 4: a morning hike? Like three of us would go. The
• 19:19
  Speaker 4: others would stay back. Someone else, I just want to
• 19:22
  Speaker 4: talk to my brother, Gary, and have coffee. It was
• 19:24
  Speaker 4: just so chill. But it's because we grew up together.
• 19:28
  Speaker 4: Our spouses are friends. It was just kind of like
• 19:31
  Speaker 4: we're swimming through the weekend.
• 19:32
  Speaker 3: It was great.
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: What was the thing earlier when we started this little episode?
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: You said you did something for yourself as a parent.
• 19:40
  Speaker 3: As a parent, that's why I said never again.
• 19:43
  Speaker 5: That was it.
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: I thought it was going to be the thing where
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: when Calvin looked at you when you were doing that
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: other job at night.
• 19:48
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 19:49
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: And you were up early in the morning and going
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: to KTLA at night, and he looked at you and
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: he said, Mom, I don't want you to do that anymore.
• 19:56
  Speaker 4: He was 10 years old. My days were anchored with work.
• 20:01
  Speaker 4: Then he was being picked up by a babysitter and
• 20:06
  Speaker 4: nanny after school. And he missed me. And I missed him.
• 20:11
  Speaker 4: And I wasn't happy. And he wasn't happy. And one
• 20:13
  Speaker 4: day he looked at me and he goes, Mom, I
• 20:16
  Speaker 4: just want you home. And the next day I walked
• 20:19
  Speaker 4: in and said, I can't do this. I mean, I
• 20:21
  Speaker 4: shouldn't have been doing it anyway. I said yes to
• 20:22
  Speaker 4: too many things. But it was so great. And I
• 20:26
  Speaker 4: did do that for myself. That was my self-care.
• 20:28
  Speaker 2: I love that.
• 20:28
  Speaker 4: A lot of times I just think self-care is saying no.
• 20:32
  Speaker 3: We don't say no enough. No, we don't.
• 20:34
  Speaker 5: Why is that, Sarah? Why don't we say no more?
• 20:37
  Speaker 5: What are we afraid of?
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: I think some of us are more people-pleasing than others,
• 20:42
  Speaker 2: but I think ultimately we're afraid that if we say no,
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: we'll be rejected. We won't be liked. I mean, if
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: it's in a work situation, we can be concerned that
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: they're going to be more severe or, I don't know
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: what the word I'm trying to think of, concrete consequences.
• 21:00
  Speaker 2: But I think we all, or most of us, we
• 21:02
  Speaker 2: want to be liked. We want to be seen as
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: somebody who's agreeable, pleasant. Yeah. A team player. Yes, yeah.
• 21:10
  Speaker 4: But when it comes to your personal life, there's nothing
• 21:12
  Speaker 4: that feels better than canceled plans.
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: And sweats.