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Going to the Dentist · System Speak: Complex Trauma and Dissociation

• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Over: Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to longtime listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you. Can we just talk about the dentist for a hot minute? I mean, seriously, if you don't like the dentist or don't wanna talk about those triggers, skip this episode because I'm going to reference some things and why it's triggering just a little bit. So don't listen to this part if you don't want to.
• 1:21
  But if you do listen, take care of yourself. Because the dentist is brutal, you guys. I mean, I'm sure there are nice people out there who are really good people and also just happen to be a dentist. And so I'm sorry because I try really hard in my life not to be a hater, but if God ever told me to love my enemy, I know he was talking about the dentist. I will say this every year, every twice a year, whatever.
• 1:51
  I just I can't even. I mean, there are the layers that are obviously triggering the big ones. Right? Like having to lay down while people look at you, having to put something around your neck, having them put stuff on your chest, having to have someone leaning over you and sticking things in your mouth. Like, I know so much of it is obvious, but it is awful and we can't function.
• 2:17
  And they have to put us on like the same autism plan as our child, And we do not have autism, nor am I mocking autism. I'm saying they use the same interventions for us. Like, they have to put sunglasses on us. We have to take a pill. They use nitrous.
• 2:33
  We have to have a blanket. And, like, because we cannot physically harm the dentist. We are there to get our teeth cleaned, which means we have to open the mouth and let them in. And let me tell you, it is not pleasant. It does not go over well.
• 2:50
  It causes all kinds of havoc. And on top of that, emotionally, besides all of those triggers, it's very overwhelming because it's never good. And that is because we also have Sjogren's, which is an autoimmune disorder. But part of what it causes is a severely, severely dry mouth. So we have to have special mouthwashes and special toothpaste and special lozenges just to be able to keep breathing, much less to care for our teeth.
• 3:22
  Okay? So it's super, super tricksy at the dentist because the other thing is that because our mouth is so dry, and this is nasty, and I'm sorry that I'm just sharing because it's what we do. Because our mouth is so dry, any tartar that we do have, even though we work really hard to keep our mouth clean and to brush our teeth and to do all the things you're supposed to do, any tartar that we do have is super hard and sticky because of the dry mouth, because of Sjogren's. Okay? So two things with that.
• 3:56
  One, it makes the dental hygienist have to work extra hard on our teeth, which makes everything last longer, which just makes it harder. And two, that actually is also bad for our heart. And so we're basically in line for a heart attack on top of everything else because of the hard plaque. We don't have any symptoms of that right now. We've had heart issues for something else in the past because of a virus, and we're super healthy right now.
• 4:23
  Our blood pressure is like 120 over 85. So like, I'm doing just fine. I'm not saying that as a threat. I just mean emotionally, that's always over your head. And anytime you go to the dentist, we have to have that conversation again.
• 4:39
  So yes, we have Sjogren's. Yes, we're losing our eyes. Yes, we're high risk for a heart attack. Yes, our teeth are terrible. And every time we go to the dentist, it's like $10,000 worth of work, which is frustrating and overwhelming because do you know how many things I could do with $10,000 Oh, I can't even tell you.
• 5:00
  And speaking of money, do you know we have all of these children here and everyone in America was supposed to get the stimulus check, right? Our second one, finally. And did it come? No. Once again, we just got part of the money.
• 5:15
  And when we called to ask about it and waited on hold and waited on hold and waited on hold, you know what we found out? It's because the computers, however it's done, they go by the lines of how many people are on the front page of your taxes, and half of our people are on the back on the second page of our taxes because we have a family that doesn't even fit on the page. So even the little stimulus money that we did get, for which we are thankful America, it barely covered our daughter's medical supplies. And so I don't even have that for the dentist. And we have to go and it's terrible and exhausting and all of those layers of stress and emotion and where once again we can't even do something in a normal way.
• 6:07
  Like, I don't think anyone, maybe there's someone out there, but I don't know of anyone who's just like, Oh yay, it's dentist day. Like, nobody gets excited for the dentist. Everybody understands it's uncomfortable and unpleasant. But you guys, for survivors or people with Sjogren's or if you have Sjogren's and you're a survivor, there are so many layers of stress and crazy town pain and frustration and big feelings. I can't even.
• 6:38
  I cannot even. But here's the cool thing. We have this therapist who actually is turning out to be really good so far, who even arranged to have us have an extra fifteen minute session on the phone before our dentist appointment. So we got to the dentist and we're in the parking lot outside the door, still in the van, right? So we've not gone in yet, but we're there, and she let us call, and we did a tapping session before we went in.
• 7:16
  So if you don't know about tapping, some people like it, some people don't, but it's something we are learning about, and it has helped a little bit. And I think it's called EFT. I could be making that up. We don't tap all the time in therapy, and that's not what our therapy is about every session all the time. But it is one of the tools, like EMDR or square breathing or these other things, one of the things she has taught us about to help us calm down, rephrase our thoughts into more accurate thoughts.
• 7:55
  Because as it turns out, one of the things that we do is start telling ourselves and each other things that are not true. I don't mean we're like liar, liar, pants on fire. I mean inaccurate thoughts that we don't actually have information about, like thinking that someone doesn't like us anymore or that we're not worthy of whatever, lunch, I don't know, right? And so the tapping is one way that helps us reconnect with our body, get grounded, accept the thoughts and feelings that we're having, and sort of reframe things from a stable place instead of a reactionary panic place. Does that make sense?
• 8:38
  It has been so, so good for us. And oh my goodness, did it help before the dentist. I'm not even kidding you. But not only that, since we moved, we had a new dentist who the husband, of course, was like, you guys need to know before she gets there. Like, it's the only time, well, maybe one of two situations when the husband steps in in kind of a parental figure of, like, we just need to take care of you.
• 9:09
  Like, he is so good about giving us our space and letting us be who and what we need to be and do and all of that. Like, he's so, so good. You guys know him a little bit from the podcast. He's amazing. And this is legit.
• 9:25
  One time, I literally need someone to help me or the dentist ain't happening, you guys. But he can step in and say, this is how hard it is. Here's what's going on, and here's what our plan is to help. And sometimes I can do that with him on the phone. That's new.
• 9:47
  I'm trying. Sometimes we can't, but we're learning. But we have a new dentist. The husband helped us call and talk to them ahead of time. They were ready for us.
• 9:58
  We had our medicine. We had the nitrous. And these people were actually the nicest people I have ever met in my life. I am not even making this up. I don't want to be at the dentist.
• 10:14
  I'm not excited to go back to the dentist. I am not saying that. Let me be clear. But these people, this dentist and that hygienist, like did my dentist appointment the way our previous therapist, the one in Oklahoma, the way she did therapy with us. Like we were so safe and so taken care of and got to make our choices and set our limits and be and do what we needed to be and do without any shame.
• 10:47
  Like it was the safest experience that we have felt, the safest environment we have felt since her office, which made an amazing dental experience if you ever thought those words would come out of my mouth. The problem was, you guys, we can't tolerate the good. This is what we learned last year, right, at ISSTD about it's not just avoiding what's painful, it's also that we don't know how to tolerate the good. And so the kinder and safer they tried to be, the more upset we got because that became a trigger in itself. And so basically, the Reader's Digest version of what happened is that we sat there and cried the entire time about the therapist and missing her office.
• 11:48
  How entirely ridiculous is that? It was so embarrassing. And the harder I tried to calm down, the more that we cried and the more they tried to tend to us. And I don't even know how we got the actual dental work done, but it was intense. And it was one of those moments of we are really learning to feel what there is to feel, but we have held off so much for so long that when something gets triggered, so much of it comes out all at once.
• 12:27
  It was crazy. But they were very kind. I was not crazy. The situation was wild, right? But we felt it and we recognized it and we processed it.
• 12:44
  And I even was sitting there. I was even sitting there while they're trying to work on my mouth, just tapping away with my hands, trying to, like, I don't know, stim or calm down or whatever it, I don't know, but we got through it and it was the best dental experience we have ever had. And I just want to say that because we so often talk about how hard things are, and this was hard. I'm not saying it was good. I'm not saying it was pleasant.
• 13:16
  And we cried the entire time for like three hours straight. Tears just pouring down of our face out. They had to put a towel on the floor, you guys, because we were laid back and just crying, and tears were just pouring down, and they were working in our mouth, and tears just rolling down, rolling down. They had to put towels on the floor like it was Alice in Wonderland or something. But we got through it, and our teeth are clean, and we have to go back three more times for them to fix something.
• 13:49
  One tooth is cracked because of Sjogren's, another tooth, the crown has to be replaced because of Sjogren's. We don't have any cavities. Our teeth are clean. We're taking good care of them. It's just the Sjogren's is causing all this damage.
• 14:03
  And it's so frustrating because we already are deaf and have cochlear implants, and we're going to lose our eyes, and we're going to lose our teeth. And it's so, so frustrating and overwhelming. But what's really important is that we focus on what is good, which was these people were really kind, so if we have to have all this work done, I'm glad we're having it done with them. And we can focus on that good without dismissing what was hard or what was bad. So that's kind of the same thing when you hear people talking about a fixed mindset or growth mindset.
• 14:41
  Those are two different approaches. And right now, growth mindset is like all the rage, like it's super hip and cool, right? Even in the schools, they're talking about growth mindset of focusing on what you can do and how you can grow through frustration and grow through challenges and focus on the positive. Like, it's positivity kind of mindset, except focusing on what choices you do have and how you can empower yourself through hard things. And all of that is good and wonderful.
• 15:16
  The fixed mindset are people who are not willing to grow and are overwhelmed with where they're stuck, right? And then the problem Courtney was talking about last year with toxic positivity, that is when people are fixed on a growth mindset and not letting other people grow, which means they feel like people should already be where they are or already choosing the good or the empowering place without first acknowledging what's hard. You can't choose how to address your challenge until you have first been present in it. Does that make sense? And I think it's a really big trigger for dissociators because we are already good at pretending there's not a problem, and we are already good at being independent and entirely on our own and caring for ourselves.
• 16:14
  We already know how to do that. We grew up that way. That is surviving. We know how to push through. And so sometimes those kinds of mindsets, even though they have good intentions and often come from people who really are safe, it's not always actually healthy for us when what we're learning to do is to step back, stop pushing through, rest, care for ourselves, tend to ourselves, and sit and be present with what we're feeling while we're feeling it.
• 16:50
  But understanding all of those pieces kind of puts us back on the offense instead of just avoiding it or having to defend ourselves against it. And the same thing is true in relationships, in how we can initiate and respond and participate, but without giving pieces of ourselves away. So listening to the podcast and reading the journals and trying to talk to Nathan and the children and catch up in all, like, the subtle ways that I can, although I can say the kids can tell I'm back and they're very excited about it. But you know what I mean. So in all of that catching up, if I can understand what we have learned in the last year or so, it has to do with being able to be ourselves in the presence of others that we are letting them be themselves.
• 17:43
  So we can initiate and participate and respond in relationships, but without giving pieces of ourselves away. And sometimes that's actually what helps keep the relationship safe or paced in such a way. Because survivors especially can sense when some part of them is rejected or looked down upon or they're frustrated with or not accepted in some way, no matter what people's words say. And so we have learned, I think, that even though we kind of went to the extreme of trying to be open with everybody, we've learned that for us, that has not actually turned out to be helpful or healthy. And how do you let yourself be all of who you are and let all of you participate, but also be safe in relationships where people don't accept all of who you are, don't like all of who you are, don't want all of who you are.
• 18:55
  And it's okay that different parts of you like other people differently or in different ways. That's okay too. And I think sometimes we don't always have a choice because what is expected of us becomes part of survival, and survival always guides dissociation. So for example, if we're in the pandemic, or watching the politics, or not feeling safe because of the virus, or because of quarantine, or overwhelmed by children and homeschool, or whatever the situation is, that's going to change who is out and how we're functioning in the world. If we have family or friends who accepts parts of us, those parts will feel safe coming out and participating.
• 19:44
  But if we have family or friends who expect us to only be a certain way and shame us if we're not that, then how we function in the world is going to change and shift because we can no longer let those parts out with those people because it's not safe to do so. They are not welcome, they are not accepted, and we have to take care of ourselves and each other internally so that we can be healthy and well and safe. So I think some of the grief that we have experienced, even at the dentist's office, I think is about adjusting our expectations. Because when you think things are one way in a relationship and it turns out that they're not, it's really crushing to your spirit. Okay.
• 20:35
  So the other thing I wanted to talk about is how I thought triggers were external things like Halloween or fires or the woods or the smell of syrup. And I don't know what we were thinking moving here. Like, were we just trying to throw ourselves into the fire, so to speak? Like, were we wanting to just rip off the band aid and live in the middle of all our triggers? Did she do it on purpose to keep the rest of us away because there are so many triggers that they're not going to come out.
• 21:15
  And so we have tried to like externally create this boundary that it is not safe for them to come out. The context of the chaos of the politics and the concerns for the pandemic, so that's going to keep other people away. Like, how does that work? I am not sure. But here's what I learned over the last year, like listening to the podcast, trying to catch up on things there and in the journal and figure out what all has happened to the last year, what I have figured out and what I have learned is that there are relational triggers too, but they're actually a lot harder to figure out because it's about an experience or an emotion or an interaction, and it's very overwhelming.
• 22:05
  But it's in the process rather than something like that you can point to and point out and figure out and then know, always this is going be a trigger, so here's how we handle it. It's much harder when it's in the context of relationship. But when you have safe and good people who hold space for you and help you do that work and don't shame you, even when it takes you a hot minute to figure out, there's so much healing in that because that's what should have happened in the first place. So it's like a metanarrative of the metanarrative. Like, the practicing with the relationship actually makes relationships easier, even though that's where the wound is.
• 22:49
  And this is huge. This is huge. We have seen it most in, like, our progress with being able to use video. So video for us was a trigger because of trafficking things that we're not going to talk about right now, but we have alluded to. And so a year ago, it was a really big deal for us to practice being in front of people, try to do a video, we were doing therapy specific with that goal.
• 23:16
  And then when the pandemic happened, everything moved online, even our own therapy. And so basically we had to find ways around that or find ways to deal with that or just not get to have therapy. That was pretty brutal. But one of the other things that happened was one, we had a friend who, like, set an appointment. Can anyone else just function through appointments?
• 23:40
  Is that because of therapy or just because it's easier to contain or because it's predictable and so it feels safe because you know when it's going to happen instead of just waiting for it to happen? I don't know, but that was the easiest time of the whole pandemic, I think, was when our friend said, we're going to call on video this day every week, and we could do that. Or when Peter invited us to a regular supervision consultation group with colleagues, and we knew that was going to happen every other week. And so having that practice with Safe People in those contexts, it empowered us so much in so many ways, enough that we were able to take classes with ISSTD and then even took that EMDR class. And even though we struggled with that and kind of had to adapt our goals, being able to get through that is a huge deal for us.
• 24:41
  It's huge. But learning how to do that and finding people who can hold that safe space to help you do that, it taught us, I think, that we can do that for ourselves internally. So like a long time ago, way back in the beginning of this, I used to think that covert meant bad, like sneaky. But I am learning, I think, that it can just mean internal instead of external. So, like, I can care for myself internally without it being played out externally with others.
• 25:20
  So does that make sense? So what I'm saying is that there are some things that in the past I needed help from other people to do those things for me, but now I'm actually able to do them for myself. And I don't mean that you're bad if you have parts who come out or if you're switching. But in our context, what we have found over the last year through different experiences is that that's not actually very safe for us and makes us a little bit too vulnerable and too out in the open. And maybe that's just because of the context in which we're in or who we have around us, but it was not safe.
• 26:06
  Like there were so many people around us just wanting us to be well that it made it a little like there was this, I don't even know what to call it, like there was a lot of pressure. And so because of that pressure, there was like this retreat call where it's like, okay, everybody back in, Nobody has access to us, and we are going to put on this common front on the outside. And here's how we're going to do that. We're going to have this person, we're going to have this capital s self who will be this new person who will regulate those things, will track those external interactions, will work through co consciousness and communicating together. We will use the journals.
• 26:52
  We will do the phone. Like, we will manage what it takes to present ourselves well on the outside because at this point, our safety depends on it. Our progress, our healing, our access to normality, all of these things depend on it. So we don't have to brick each other up just to be safe, and we can learn to tolerate staying present while also feeling and experiencing things. But we also respect the boundaries and limits of our own issues, of the different parts of ourselves, and of what we actually need to be healthy and safe.
• 27:35
  I don't know if any of that makes sense. But in therapy, what we talked about as far as healing the past and regulating and sort of letting go of the last year, Like when we worked that hard as a team and Courtney specifically to feel what there was to feel and to know what there was to know and to be aware of every layer of that instead of only dissociating from it, that was huge. But it was bumpy and messy and unpleasant. But we had to feel it so that we would know it. And it actually turned out to be really important because none of that was even about the therapist at all.
• 28:19
  It actually, I mean, it was, but it was kind of this thing they call reenactment. And I'm going to interview somebody about reenactment so that we can talk about it. But basically, it's like the relationship itself triggered a lot of big feelings that had to do with the past. And then what got confusing was we thought we were surrounded by safe people. But when we had big feelings, like everybody scattered, people did not respond to them, and in the context of the pandemic, we couldn't access anyone, I mean external support.
• 28:55
  And so it was like horrible timing with the pandemic to hit on like our most deepest, most difficult, terrifying, scary, grief filled, hardest issues and then lose all of our external support. And I think that's kind of why everything fell apart. Like, the only thing that could have made it worse is if we had also gone to the dentist that day, right? Like, it was just really, really hard. It just hit that nerve, and there was no way to make the pain of it stop.
• 29:32
  It could not be contained. It was so big. There were no resources. And it was triggering the, like, I can't tell you, like the deepest issues of things. And so we had to feel what we had to feel and know what we knew and do that to keep ourselves safe, even though it felt so harsh on the outside and felt so intense on the inside.
• 30:02
  But what our new therapist helped us talk about is specifically the piece about leaving the therapist and the difference between what we thought would actually happened after leaving the therapist. And I think that helped reorient some of us to the point that we could talk about and consider the difference between our experience of unmet needs in the past, like in memory time, and others' efforts in now time, which was different than people's efforts in memory time, and their lack of awareness or their own personal needs in now time. So even talking about our mother, right, let's just go for it in a safe way, but in a very specific contained context. The mother was very irritable, easy to set off, and super aggressive in that way, right? But she also had very significant depression, and she was married to the father.
• 31:08
  And so can you imagine what that was like for her? So that's not something I want to go into deeper right now or in detail, but understanding the context of more of what is going on, not to excuse abuse and not to make it okay what you went through. Like we're not justifying anything, just orienting to like who's a grown up and who's a child and what do grown ups do and what do children do and what should have happened, and what didn't happen, and what did we need, and how can we meet those needs now? Like there's so much that we actually are empowered to do, even though there's so much that was outside of our control at the time. We're gonna keep talking about that in therapy.
• 31:55
  She said we might do EMDR. I don't know because last time we tried, we totally freaked out. Such a disaster and so embarrassing. But we kept talking about our safe place, which is the fish pond by our house in our backyard. We can sit on the big back porch and swing.
• 32:13
  There's a swing and it goes out over this little fish pond with a waterfall. It's very calming. There are lily pads. It's on the mountain by the woods. So we see the deer and the birds and the foxes.
• 32:26
  The chickens come and play. The goat is back there. Like all of this safe space where we can sort of internalize that image and use it as a starting point for how to get safety inside in preparation for EMDR and in response to big feelings or other triggers when they get stirred up, even relational ones. And one of the things that therapists said was that no one else can come in unless we let them in. And as we talked about that more, we realized that was actually one of the problems with the pandemic.
• 33:11
  And this seems so funny because with quarantine, like, we were all alone. Right? Except that what I realized was we were sort of in this world on our own, but also responsible for the sick children. And so we were sort of invaded by the crisis situations with the children. There were podcast listeners that knew us in real life that invaded some boundaries.
• 33:42
  And so there were safety issues that were legitimate. We had to move. We had to keep functioning and care for the family, but lost our time and space to do so for ourselves. And all of this left us, like, I don't know the words, like neurologically raw, plus the triggers of having actual boundary violations as a child. And so I think it was all overwhelming in a way that we never understood before.
• 34:12
  And on top of that, the people that we thought were safe and were good and were sort of our resources as support people, they all disappeared. Now, again, let me be very clear what I'm talking about. I am not saying they were bad. I am not saying they were failing us. Like, they did not do anything bad or wrong.
• 34:34
  I am saying they were overwhelmed by the same things. So like we had the therapist, we're leaving the therapist, thought we were going to maintain some kind of contact, and then she was gone for a year. Our closest friends also had their own families and their own children to try to take care of while trying to find work and provide for their families. Plus the pandemic and the politics and the protests, like everything going on was so triggering in itself. And all of that was happening while in the world, because of politics, there was this community dissociation going on, but it was hard on different sides for different reasons.
• 35:19
  And then things got so ugly with that. And so people that you love and support and are close with and who care for you or about you were so involved in their own identity crisis, like they no longer have the time or the energy to sit and listen to yours. And again, like it just comes back to at some point, we just have to be responsible for ourselves and step up in our own healing and our own therapy work and do the work that it takes to be well and healthy on our own. So what does that mean? What does okay even look like?
• 36:01
  Like, even if we're not too healthy and well yet, what does okay look like? Because that's what the therapist always says. When we go to therapy, she's like, How are you doing? And we try to tell her, and then she's like, What does that mean to you? Like, I thought I just answered the question, but turns out, no, I avoided the question even in my answer, and she calls me out for it.
• 36:23
  That's not cool. So we're thinking about what does okay mean? What does it look like? We talk about dissociating, we talk about our brain trying to protect us, we talk about the outside children being safe, we talk about wanting to be present, we talk about getting to know each other. We talk about building bridges.
• 36:48
  We talk about the husband and how he's doing and what that means for us. And we talk about how the more that we talk with each other inside, the more aware we are of how much went down in childhood. But the therapist tells us, If you don't talk about it, it won't get better. So she is teaching us or telling us that instead of focusing on what we're afraid of or what triggers are, to focus on safety, to focus on noticing our body. She's got all the somatic stuff, and so she's all about the tapping.
• 37:29
  She's all about where do you feel it in your body? What is your body doing? I'm like, I didn't even know we had a body a year ago. Like, we're learning two years, whatever time, we are learning that we live in a body, that we share a body. And so it's really hard to do that, but we are practicing it.
• 37:50
  When we have a feeling, where is it in our body? What is it doing? And learning how to identify not just the trigger externally, but how we feel about it internally to sort of move us past the here's when we have to pop a peppermint phase to how to manage what's coming up by going to our safe place, by thinking about the fish pond, by filling ourselves up with good things that are strong enough to hold what's hard. And that is exactly what's different than dissociating because we're not pushing away what's hard and we're not ignoring what's hard, but we are learning to tolerate both what is hard and the goodness and safety that tends to it. You guys, this is so big.
• 38:49
  This is so huge. And it's so difficult to be able to tolerate goodness. Like all this time we just thought we were avoiding bad. But learning to tolerate goodness and then going the next step and learning to apply it to yourself, it's huge. But our new therapist says that trauma isn't just stress, it's distress.
• 39:15
  And as a child, we cannot get away, which starts the whole polyvagal thing with flight and fright and freeze. But when we can't get away, the trauma is ongoing and the brain stays frozen. And we fear our life or even our way of being because it has always meant trauma. That's why we want to escape. It's not about wanting to be dead.
• 39:43
  It's not about wanting to die. It's about wanting it to stop. And that trauma has been ongoing for so long, it is literally the only thing that we know. That's why being able to talk about our feelings and the hard things is so important. And it's why we can't remember things because our brain is trying to protect us because it's so painful.
• 40:16
  Our therapist literally said to us, and this is a quote from our new therapist, she said, You don't want to remember because remembering is too damn scary. And then she talked about the brain and the amygdala and our limbic system and how it responds to feelings. It's not thinking, which is why we can't think our way out of it. So like when your therapist or your friends or someone says, why can't you get over this? Or let's just think about positive things?
• 40:47
  That's why you can't. It's not a thinking place. You're not up in your frontal cortex. You are down lower in your brain. Your amygdala just bypasses it.
• 40:57
  Like that's why it happens so fast and why you can't think your way through it. And I really think that this is the most valuable thing we learned in the last year because we have had so much pressure and so much shame to just get over it, to just move forward, to just snap out of it, that we have felt. I can't tell you how much shame we have felt that we have not been good enough to do this, or that we couldn't believe our therapist enough to make it happen. It's like blowing out birthday candles and they just keep popping back up, like they won't blow out. That is what it has been like.
• 41:38
  Like, if we were good enough, we would be able to control this. If we were good enough or strong enough or smart enough or whatever enough, we can make DID go away. You guys, that's not how it works. It doesn't work like that at all. It requires engaging a whole other part of your brain that literally has never developed, which means you cannot experience healing or even have access to healing until you are able to build safety and safe relationships for that matter.
• 42:20
  And our new therapist said that when our brain develops later, it starts to try to process what's been stored there this whole time. She says, It's not that the trauma is back, it's that the trauma never really went away. And she said, This is why it gets harder as you start to really do that work in therapy, start to trust your therapist, start to learn how to make friends, that that's why it's so terrifying because your left brain and your right brain and all these different parts start to reconnect, the trauma starts to process and your amygdala sends out that warning system again. Healing literally triggers the reminder of the trauma itself. You are not crazy.
• 43:12
  You are not unwell. Your brain is responding as it was designed to trauma. But my therapist says that we have to first start with the external to feel safe before we're ever going to feel safe inside. And if that's true in that context, it makes sense why the whole last year has been so hard. We have the three P's, you guys, the pandemic, the protests, and the politics.
• 43:45
  So I don't feel so bad for struggling as much as we have, and so maybe I can go back to trying to use some mindfulness as far as not judging myself for struggling when it makes sense that the struggle is in response to the trauma that is ongoing from 2020 now into 2021. But that's so important because my therapist said that the calmer you are, the less afraid you are and the better your brain works. And I appreciate her saying that because sometimes I feel really stupid just trying to sit there and breathe when there is such terror raging through my head and so much going on internally. So having a context of why that matters and how to keep getting better even while it's hard helps a lot. And she said, the safer you feel, the less you will shut down.
• 44:50
  So the goal, she said, right now, our number one treatment goal, no matter what, our number one out of everything that we need to address, which is a lot, you guys. But the number one thing that we need to address is how to feel safe as much as possible, like as safe as we can wherever and whenever we are, And that anything can be a trigger, even if it's not something scary, anything that knocks us off balance or that doesn't feel safe, any of that is like retraumatizing and sets us back. And so the number one best way to help ourselves or to ask others to help us right now, the number one thing is to feel safe. And what does safe mean and what helps me feel safe? How to do that for myself, how to ask that with healthy boundaries from others, and to figure out what safe even means.
• 45:58
  So basically, you guys, we're eight years into therapy and still at square one, which is so frustrating, except also somehow comforting to hear someone else say, you're not stupid or crazy. It just really is that hard. And that being that tuned in to myself and my level of safety is so critical because it's easier to respond to things while they're still small than when they're too big to deal with or we're already drowning, and that's why it matters. So I don't know what all is going down in 2021 with politics or the state of our country or the state of my mouth or even where we're gonna live in six months. Like, I don't know yet if we get to live here another year or we still have to find housing.
• 46:54
  Like, all of those things are hard and are exhausting. And it is hard to feel safe when you don't know where you're going to live or if you're going to have enough money to buy food for your children or if you're going to be healthy or still alive in another week. Like, when you have so many things that you don't know and that amygdala gets triggered, it feels like and brings back the feelings of not being safe when you were little. And so then it becomes exponentially hard, even in a way that is almost like repeating the past, even though you didn't mean to and didn't do anything wrong. And that's part of how the gift of trauma keeps giving back, you guys.
• 47:42
  So Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. It's a lot. It's a lot to process, but we're trying. We're trying really hard. Thank you for listening.
• 48:11
  Your support of the podcast, the workbooks, and the community means so much to us as we try to create something together that's never been done before, not like this.