Latest / Carmedy / Episode 18.5 - FIGHT AT THE OPEN MIC

Transcript

Episode 18.5 - FIGHT AT THE OPEN MIC · Carmedy

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Carmody Podcast where comedy meets your or slash my commute.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Dave Thompson.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome, welcome, welcome.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: This is episode 18.5, and I'm coming to you live from the war zone.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: The war zone.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, you're correct.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: The war zone where there was a fight that broke out at the open mic.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Ladies and gentlemen! Boondocks! Boondocks! Bop pop pop! Boondocks! Fight broke out, ladies and gentlemen.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't even here, I didn't even see it.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I heard about it.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: I drove from Orange County to come over here because it was a fight! Oh frick! It was a freaking fight.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm talking about?
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: A freaking fight.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: Mike James went up on stage, you know, he's hosting, he's doing his thing.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: He's he's giving back to the community.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: His time is precious, it's valuable, he's a husband, he's a comic, he's a father.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Those aren't all in that order.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: And and he's out here, he's hosting the mic, right?
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: And he tells people, hey, shut the frick up.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: We're trying to do some comedy here.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Some comedy.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: And then some dude came up though, yo, you freaking talking about me.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: You're talking to me like that.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: You're talking to me.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: And he starts pushing them and shoving them, you know what I'm saying?
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: These people out in Corona, they got way too much going on.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: You got white people fighting on a Monday night.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: How rich are these people that they can just fight on a Monday night?
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: And then apparently the story goes, because there's not enough video of it.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: The story goes that freaking everybody jumped on this guy and fricked him up.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I know they did that because I was I was walking out, or as I was walking into the bar, there's blood everywhere.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: There's blood on the wall, there's blood on the floor, there's blood on the flag.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: There's a flag when you walk in, there's blood all over it.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: They kicked the tar out of this guy.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: That's what happens when you frick with the heat wave, you know what I'm saying?
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: And then poor Melissa, she's standing on stage and she's like, hey, stop it, buddy.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: Melissa, I love you.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so sorry.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: That was very scary.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: That's very scary.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: Oh frick! Wow, that's insane.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's crazy.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: Crazy, crazy, crazy.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: Oh goodness.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: So how was your guys' day today?
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: How the frick was your guys' day today?
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: You know that went crazy.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: I posted a video uh of uh an intro.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: I I was in a front yard show.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: I posted a video of the front yard show.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I have over 3,000 views on it, and I'm very proud of it, very excited about it.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: And then I posted another video where there was witches heckling me, but the but the but the the the video was kind of blurry.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: I would say the witches hexed the video, and and Johnny Gold told me, he's like, Dave, the quality sucks, and I was like, I know, I know, I know it sucks.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: But what are you gonna do?
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: There's something funny happened, and I didn't have great quality, but I'm gonna put it up still, you know.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, fine.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: I know I need better quality, I know, okay.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: I know I do, I know, I do.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: I need to get funnier, and I need to get better quality cameras.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I need I need lavaliers, I need a a nice freaking well, there's my gas light.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: And this is the reason I can't freaking afford lavaliers and good equipment, it's because how freaking much gas costs! Gas went up today again.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's$5.50 in my city.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: It was$4.99 a week ago.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: Now it's$5.50.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: Well,$5.49.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: I know what you guys are thinking.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: Don't freaking lie to me.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's$5.49.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: I get it, you guys.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: I get it.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's a lot, it's a lot of money.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's a lot of freaking money to buy all this stuff, these uh equipment, cameras, microphones, portable microphones, computer, sd cards, cords, all the things to to make good clips, good videos, all this stuff, you know.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's all an investment.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm very excited.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: Very excited about this new pod coming out.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Excited about new shows I have coming up.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, I start my new job September 21st.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if I shared that with you guys.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: I start my new job September 21st.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: Very excited.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: Gonna be working with the trains.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: Very cool, very cool, very cool.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I have some really cool shows coming up.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to come see me and a bunch of local homies, please come check out the IE comedy showcase this Thursday in Menafee at Above the Iron.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're from somewhere else listening to this pod, and you're like, oh, I live in freaking Georgia, or oh, I live in Brussels, or oh, I live in England, I'm from Ireland, wherever you're from, yeah, buy a plane ticket.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Crikey, you freaking crumpet head, buy a plane ticket and get the frick over here.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna be a funny show, a good time.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: Thursday.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: San Diego people, if you're from San Diego, you want to come see me live.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: San Diego, I'm gonna be a kilowatt brewing.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna be a freaking busted show.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: I heard the last time you didn't even have anybody there.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm happy to be there.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: You know what?
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm happy to be there.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: I don't care if there's zero people, I'll talk to the wall.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I got invited.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: I got booked.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: I got booked for that.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: Let's freaking go.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Saturday, I'm gonna be with Joanna Coca.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Very hilarious comic, extremely, extremely funny.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: I saw her a couple years ago do a set at the old Kookaburra Lounge in Hollywood.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: I was extremely impressed by just how incredibly funny and and talented she was.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: And to see her just like rise into where she's at right now, she's really freaking taking off and doing really great.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm really excited to have her at the club.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: She's gonna be at Above the Iron, she's gonna bring a feature, I'm gonna have an opener.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna be a great freaking time.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna be a great freaking show.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Let's go.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so yeah, that'll be cool.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, also, also, also, also, um, let's talk about it.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: Jamba juice is getting into sandwiches now.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: There's no easy transition for something so stupid.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: I understand.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: I get it.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: I get it.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: You're like, Dave, what the frick are you talking about?
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: Jamba juice, you heard me.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: Jamba juice! You know, like the place where you go get the wild strawberry?
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: You know that place?
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: Jamba juice is getting into sandwiches.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: There's no artisanal sandwiches, there's no easy way to say it.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: There's no easy way to break that.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: There's no easy way.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like jamba juice is like trying to come out to us.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: Like, we wanted to be this all along.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's like they're coming out of the closet.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, we started out with juice, and everybody thought we were normal and regular, and we just didn't like it.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: Now we're coming out with sandwiches.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: Now we're sandwiched, we're jamba.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: We're not even jamba juice anymore.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: They dropped juice, now they're just jamba.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's so strange.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: It really is so strange.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I've never gone in there and been like, hey, can I get a medium mango a go-go?
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah, and can you give me an artisanal rotisserie chicken avocado sandwich?
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: Avocado sandwiches don't go with a mango a go-go?
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe a chocolate chip cookie afterward because I'm a fat pig.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: But not a rotisserie chicken style avocado bacon sandwich.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: What the frick?
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like everybody's trying to be everything right now.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Why can't people just be what they are?
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: If Jumba Juice wanted to be a sandwich shop the whole time, just be Subway.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: Be Subway plus juice.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's fine.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: But why is everybody trying to change?
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: Why is everything so why does everybody need everything?
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: Why can you buy milk at Ace Hardware?
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: That one really pisses me off.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: Why can you buy milk at ace hardware?
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Let's talk about it.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: What the frick is up with that?
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: I can buy milk and chocolate milk at ace hardware.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: I can go in there and I can get screws, I can get a key made, okay?
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: I could buy I could buy pellets for my for my wood smoker.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: And then I go and then and then there's milk.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: And gummy worms.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, the gummy worms are fine.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you want a little snack to go, but the milk?
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: Frick! Who the frick is going to Ace Hardware to buy milk?
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: That one got me real good, you guys.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: I went into Ace Hardware to do a DoorDash order the other day and I was like, who the frick is ordering milk from Ace Hardware?
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: 2% milk.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely nuts.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: Blew my freaking brains.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: Blew my freaking mind.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: This is wild.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, jamba juice, they wanna freaking jumba.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry! Sue me.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: They wanna sell sandwiches now.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: And their billboard, I love their billboard.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's like you read this correctly.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: The juice place is selling sandwiches?
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: Question mark?
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like, I love how the way they want us to get peaked.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I love how the way they want us.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I I'm gonna get this word out.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: I love how they want to pique our interest by exploiting the fact of how stupid it is what they're doing.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, I know you only thought of us as a juice place, but that's not all we can do.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, come on guys, what the frick?
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's just what it is.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, shout out to Mike James.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: That fool's a legend.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Squaring up with a with a heckler, squaring up with a dude who's got problems, who's got mommy problems, probably.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: He probably has mommy problems.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's what he probably has.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: That fool probably has mommy problems.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what?
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's what it is.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: And he's a little goofball, and he's he got his little he got his little booty cheeks handed to him, you know?
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's what it is.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's what you wanted.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: Bud.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's what you freaking wanted, bud.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: That's cool.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, other shows coming up.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, I think I announced these already.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, October 17th, I'm gonna be at the ice house with Davey the Don.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm very excited to do that.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: I have uh a set I've been working on for many, many months that is gonna get recorded that night.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm very freaking excited about the ice house show.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: Uh also November 27th, I think it's 27th or 28th, uh, I'm doing uh freaking uh the mic drop in San Diego.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: Very excited doing the mic drop in San Diego.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna be a super, super fun show.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: Definitely wanna come check that out.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: I have these dates of these clubs and the stuff coming up.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just really excited about.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, and I'm really glad that even with my new job, I don't have to like quit.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I know I it's like, oh, Carmen, why'd you turn your car off?
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I'm about to get something from In N Out.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I'm gonna get a water.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I'm also gonna get a chocolate shake.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not lying to you.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, look, I'm getting a chocolate shake and a burger and a water, okay?
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna lie to you guys.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: Carmedians, I'm not lying.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm being honest with you, I'm telling you what I'm doing, okay?
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm telling you.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm very excited about it.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: You work on a bit and you're like write it out and then you're looking at it and you're like this freaking sad.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like Is this relatable?
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like, is anybody else named something they weren't supposed to be named?
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: Because they're one of their parents changed it.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why not change my name?
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: My name was supposed to be John, and then you just put it David.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like it's so funny to me that like whatever excuses he had of why you didn't name me.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: It just freaking makes me laugh super hard.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um I do think that's very funny.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna have to keep working on that.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: I don't remember what the joke was though.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna have to remember this is why I need to cut stuff from the pod.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: You guys are like, what the heck are you talking about?
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: You said you guys are just listening to Dead Space for a minute.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I'm just gonna end it there.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: Uh very excited.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: Episode 19 is gonna come out later this week.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, and then leading up to the ultimate episode 20, which is actually episode 40 of Carmody, technically or episode 39, uh, I'm gonna have my friend Melissa on.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna be very fun.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: So keep an eye out for all that, and uh hopefully I'll see you guys soon.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: Bye.