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When Did You Know That Your Relationship With a Narcissist Was Over · The Mental Healness Podcast

0:00
So when did you know that the relationship with a narcissist
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was over? When did you know that it was
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kaput, that it was Dunzo, that you had to leave that
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relationship? When, when was that breaking the
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shelf moment? That's what we're talking about
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today, y'all. If you're new here, my name is
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Lee Hammock. I'm a diagnosed narcissist.
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Here to give you the perspective and an inside look at the mind
0:20
of a narcissist. And welcome to another episode
0:22
of The Narcissist Code. Oh, hey, I didn't see you there.
0:43
Welcome back, y'all. Welcome back.
0:45
Welcome back. Yes, y'all.
0:46
That's what we're talking about today.
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The breaking the shelf moment. When did you know that the
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relationship with a narcissist was over?
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When did you realize that you could no longer go forward with
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this person? When did you just understand?
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Like this was it that that you can no longer do this thing
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anymore. So today, y'all, we're going to
1:07
do things a little bit differently.
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Today I put this, I put this post on actual Facebook and
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Instagram and I asked survivors of narcissistic abuse, of toxic
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relationship dynamics of domestic violence.
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When did you know that the relationship was over?
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And I'm going to read out their answers to help you see, like I
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said, to show you that they're to show you that there are other
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people going through the same thing as you, but also to help
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you if you're in, if you're with this person right now, decide to
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help you make that decision of whether or not that you actually
1:40
want to leave. Should I stay or should I go?
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You know, said shout out to Doctor Romney and her amazing
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book. Should you stay or should you go
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now, y'all, this was some I got some heavy comments heavy.
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So you got to buckle yourself up right here, y'all.
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So it's I got, I posted this and within an hour it had 700
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comments. So there's no way I can share
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all of it, but 700 comments in an hour.
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It's crazy, right? But this shows you that there's
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so many people that are experiencing this abuse, so many
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people that have left these relationships and survived to
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and live to tell the tale, right?
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There's so many people. So if you're still in it, if you
2:17
out of it and think, if you're out of it and thinking about
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going back, this could be a refresher right here to help you
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understand why you need to make the moves that you need to move,
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why you need to need to make the moves that you need to make.
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You know me, so I'll see you right here.
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The very first one I seen was when he jumped out a first floor
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window with our 10 month old. And then he told me he wouldn't
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get mental health help until I was ready to admit that
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everything was my fault, that I made him do all the terrible
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things that he has done to us. So this man literally, literally
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jumped out that window with their 10 month old son and
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absconded with him because he didn't want to go get help and
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he wanted her to admit everything that he she had done
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was wrong. That's insane.
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But that goes to show you that they would rather jump out the
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window then take accountability for the things that they have
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actually done. That is crazy.
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Another one right here. This one was this one right
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here. Was was was kind of wild.
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After 25 years I pulled his criminal record and saw he
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actually he was actually a diagnosed sociopath.
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When I confronted him about having lied for 25 years, he
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explained it away as being all in the past and so on.
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No accountability for the next two years until I could leave.
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I started seeing patterns of gaslighting, lack of empathy,
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selfishness, selfishness, manipulation.
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They they were always there, but now I was seeing them. 25 years
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later you see they were always there.
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But then she opened her eyes and woke up to it.
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This is the type of thing that people, so many people are
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experiencing, so many people are going through.
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Y'all can find both of these posts on my Instagram and on my
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Facebook as well, y'all, Y'all can go, y'all can scroll through
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them. There's a lot.
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I'm just telling you, there's a lot of them.
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You want some inspiration? There's a lot of these posts.
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I'm just reading a few of them. Y'all 'cause just just, these
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are people who've left an escape.
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These are people who've made it out and survived and lived to
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tell the tale. So the next one on here this is
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from a man he says texting them why they asked to go to my
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brother's funeral weeks before if they were not going to show
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up. Only for them to tell me I have
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more important friends and connections in my life than you
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while I was at the funeral. So his partner or girlfriend or
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ex whatever told him that she was going to go to his brother's
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funeral but didn't show up and while he was at the funeral told
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her he had she had more important people in her life
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than his brother. Y'all see the lack of empathy?
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The the yeah, I feel like the common theme is going to be lack
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of empathy so buckle your seat belt.
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This lady says how he acted when I was sick.
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Whenever I was sick, no matter what the illness was, there was
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always coldness and he would usually guilt me into having
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into sleeping with him. Oh Jesus.
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So he like she was sick and coughing and throwing up.
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He would try to clap the cheeks. That's insane.
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Again, lack of empathy is going to be like the the recurring
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theme right here. Y'all that is wild.
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This woman right here. This is tough right here and a
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lot of y'all might experience this one right here.
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She said. I got to the point I wanted to
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take myself out just to make it all stop, but I refuse to do
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that to leave so I wouldn't have to leave my son behind without
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him. So she found motivation to stay
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alive to keep herself here, to not take herself out of here
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because of her son. Powerful, powerful.
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So this lady right here, this comment right here is from a
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creator. She's a big creator.
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Her name is burned Beauty 2018 and I think she's in the middle
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of a case right now or whatnot. But her ex, she said, I think
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her ex, her ex allegedly set her on fire.
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I think she's still trying to prove it and whatnot.
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But y'all can look into her Burn beauty 2018.
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So he, he allegedly set her on fire and burned her up.
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But she's doing she's she's healing.
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Her journey is amazing. She said when I left in the
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middle of the night in an ambulance with pancreatitis and
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he went back to bed instead of following the ambulance.
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I was already disabled at the at this point from him setting me
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on fire, but I didn't remember yet.
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That was the catalyst to my memory because I have never been
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angrier. So she's saying that she he had
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already burned her at this point and she had like amnesia or she
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had a lack of, she didn't remember what happened.
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But when he left, she had to go to the hospital for
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pancreatitis. He didn't follow follow the
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ambulance and they woke her up and she decided it was over at
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that point right there. It's it's crazy.
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Somebody said unfortunately too many things to list for me.
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Sometimes it's more than just one moment.
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But what was that moment right here y'all And y'all could leave
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it in the comment section as well.
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When did you decide that you needed to leave right?
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Or what do you feel like is stopping you from leaving?
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That could be also be an important and impactful question
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as well to answer. You know what I mean.
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She said we walked out of her therapy appointment and his
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mistress text me that he had just sent her flowers.
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The first time it truly hit me that he was dead inside and
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nothing I ever did, nothing I ever did could ever fix him.
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So they were at a couple's counseling session and he was
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had sent his mistress flowers and the mistress text her and
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say hey yo Boo just send me flowers.
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Why y'all were at Derby? She said what mother first said.
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He finally went to jail. I packed my things and moved so
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far away, switched jobs, my number best feeling ever.
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He got out a month later to being dear John.
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So she dipped out while he was in jail.
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Then he went to jail for something that he had did to her
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and like tell some about sometimes y'all, God give you a
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way out. Sometimes God to lock him up
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right Next person said the day he put his hands on me, it was
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like the fog was removed. Never Fog began.
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So he put his hands on her, beat her up or whatnot, and she
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decided that it was over. At that moment when I literally
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ran out of energy, I was exhausted.
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Mentally, physically, emotionally.
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I was done just trying. Sometimes you just get tired.
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Sometimes you're just tired of trying.
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Sometimes you're doing so much and getting so little in return.
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Yeah, it's understandable. We get tired, y'all?
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Another person says. When I felt when you feel like
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UN alive in yourself and don't know why you are still with
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them. So she was thinking about
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unaliving herself, why she was still with this person.
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And she's like why am I still with this person?
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This person make me want to take myself out of here.
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Another one. Y'all see this?
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Is that right there? The the comment right beneath
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that last one says when you would rather be dead than to
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live with them. When I text, When I text him to
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tell him I had sprained both of my ankles and I couldn't walk up
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the stairs to use the bathroom and he left me on red for a
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week. And when he finally did reply,
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he didn't he didn't even acknowledge the injuries.
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So she broke both her sprained both her ankles couldn't walk
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and he made he just left her by herself and then he tried to
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text her. Hey, big head, what's going on?
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Lack of empathy, right? She said I went into remission
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with two autoimmune diseases after the divorce was finalized.
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So she left when she divorce. When the divorce was finalized
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she started getting feeling better like her autoimmune
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diseases started disappearing. Start going away.
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Narcissistic people can make you physically sick.
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Tyson Relationship dynamics. Stress can make you physically
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sick. That's wild right there y'all.
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When I was working remotely from Monday to Wednesday, 9:00 AM to
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7:00 PM tending to our two special needs kids, cleaning,
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cooking, doing laundry from 10:00 PM to 4:00 AM Working
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Thursday, Sunday, Thursday through Sunday, physically at
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the factory on my feet for over 9 hours.
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Returning home to continue the maid to continue to be the maid
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and soul parenting cycle. And one night I asked him to
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wake up to supervise the kids to get ready for school so I can
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focus on prepping breakfast and lunch for him and the kids.
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He said I don't see myself waking up even 2 seconds earlier
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than my alarm for any kids. That that was the end that that
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that was the day of my life as a married married single parent
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ended. Married single parents exist.
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Married single mom. She's a married single mom MUM.
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So she might be from across the across the pond, right?
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So she was a married single parent.
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So she was doing all that work and this man couldn't get up and
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even help with the kids in the morning even though she was
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making his lazy ass lunch. Oh, goodness.
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She says. When his own mom told me that I
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can do better for myself than than her son.
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Yeah. Or the Molly.
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Yeah. This.
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Yeah. I'll be surprised how often I
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hear this type of stuff. Like his mom warned me, man, her
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dad told me that I shouldn't be with her.
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Like, I've heard this stuff so many times.
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Like, what do you like when their parents are telling you
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this? What are you thinking?
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I just feel like ask yourself if their parents tell you that you,
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you deserve better. What are you thinking in that
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scenario? Right there, in that situation,
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right there. It's important.
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I'm just asking you to get clear When I got pregnant and he
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wouldn't stop yelling at me when he twisted my words when he
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cheated on me with a 65 year old.
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So he was, she got pregnant and yelled at, emotionally abused,
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verbally abused, and then he cheated on her with a 65 year
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old woman. Hey, there's nothing wrong with
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a 65 year old woman. But Jean, you see breaking the
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shelf moment, this woman said she knew it when I felt peace
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when he wasn't around. She felt peace when her partner
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was not around her. That's wild.
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You see what I'm saying? That's how you know, when they
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were aware that their behavior was hurtful but didn't want to
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change it. They think you're OK with it.
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It's just like, hey, if you're not going to leave me, then you
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should. You're OK with this, right?
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That's the mentality of narcissistic people.
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The day I said I was done and felt it in my entire soul.
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So she was just, she just said it and she was done.
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I guess she needs needed reassuring from herself.
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When I had to escape and run for my life because he was in a
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violent rage. Never saw him again.
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My cats in my lives were at risk and I had to run.
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So she got the kiddies out of there too.
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So sometimes, like sometimes some, some people don't make it
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out with their lives. You see, leaving can be the most
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dangerous time, so be careful if you just if and when you decide
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to leave, be careful, make a plan, be safe.
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He used to get so mad at me for relaxing at all when I was
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pregnant. He called me lazy, pregnant and
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lazy. Yikes.
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When he pulled a loaded Pew Pew Oh my dog after threatening me
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with it. So he went from aiming at that
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thing at her to aiming at that Fido.
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Damn, I wasn't reacting to his threats.
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I wasn't reacting to his threats and he knows my dog is my baby.
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Best most goodest girl ever. So he put it to her head and
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looked at me and laughed. That's when I knew.
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That's insane, that's psycho. That's the psycho right there
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y'all. When I saw proof and he denied
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it when my life was in danger. Hard part is I will always love
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him. Maybe that's just my problem.
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It's understandable to love and care about people who've hurt
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you. Y'all is is is when you let
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allow them back into your life. When it becomes extremely
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problematic is when it this woman again.
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Lack of empathy coming up. When my dog, when my dog passed
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away and he didn't say a word. No empathy.
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Acted like my dog never existed. That was when they that's that
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was when I hit a wall and I was done.
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Yep. When he started including my son
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in the silent treatment and ignoring him whenever he and I
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would get into it. You say he he spreads to the
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kids. I know some people just like I'm
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staying for the kids, I'm staying for the kids.
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Your son's getting your son or daughter.
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Your children are also getting this, getting this silent
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treatment and abused as well. When I realized he will never
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and he he will never and could never be who I needed him for.
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Needed who I needed for my daughter and myself.
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So she knew that she saw this person.
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I know people. I know some people.
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Some people would see that. Like you didn't know that till
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after you had the daughter. Wow.
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You didn't know he couldn't be the man you needed until after
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you had a daughter. Y'all going to choose better?
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Tell why can't people just be better?
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Yeah. Can both things be true?
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Can we also choose better? But can we also focus on the
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problematic people be better. It's crazy.
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This one, right? This one right here is super
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simple. She said when he started talking
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to another woman, she just knew right there.
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Next person, when he put his hands on me in front of our
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daughter. I told you, you stay for the
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kids. You see what happens sometimes,
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right? When I realized I would sooner
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end my own life than let him back in.
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Powerful. Powerful.
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This right here is kind of hard. This right here is kind of
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rough. Right here.
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Yeah. Sitting at social services,
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applying for food stamps and having to explain to them that
15:35
despite my husband's 6 figure income, I had no way to feed my
15:39
children because he ran off with a woman he had just met and
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removed me from all our joint accounts, even those my paycheck
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directly deposited into. I couldn't even access my own
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pay for months while the bank sorted it out.
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Unforgivable. Of course.
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Six months later, he was back begging for his family back and
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she didn't. Nobody responded.
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I was curious if she took him back.
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And some people would take him back even after all that type of
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stuff happens. Y'all, I know what y'all gonna
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say. Well, like, that's crazy and say
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why'd you do that? Bobby would take him back.
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The mind, y'all. The mind.
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The mind, if I'm honest, it was progressively apparent.
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The final straw was me realizing that this person would be the
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death of me, literally and figuratively.
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I had nothing left to give, and I was more.
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I was more OK, more than OK with standing my ground and honoring
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my boundaries. I was tired of betraying myself
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for someone who couldn't spit on me if I was on fire.
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Wouldn't spit on me well if it made well, if it made him look
16:39
good, but not to save my life. Yikes, I realized my
16:44
relationship was truly over when my ex accidentally sent me a
16:48
cruel message. Sent me a cruel message about me
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that was meant for someone else. Then he tells me not to let it
16:54
bother me. So he was talking he was talking
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trash about his kids girl. Then someone else accidentally
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stood to her. You overreacting.
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You overreacting When he told me good luck take care.
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After I told him I was diagnosed with cancer again.
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You see the consistent lack of empathy.
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If they don't offer you empathy in the beginning, they're not
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going to offer it to you later on.
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Y'all when he stomped on my foot and shut a door in my face, it
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took me much to get away and still fighting to stay out.
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By out I mean for him to stay away so he'll be.
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If they get physically violent with you, y'all and you go back
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to them. You let them back into your
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life. They think that physical
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violence is now a part of your relationship.
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This is not me trying to say you deserve to be abused.
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I'm saying that they think it's really, really.
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They think it's realistically part of like the relationship.
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When he called me, when he called me from jail after he was
17:53
arrested for domestic violence against me, I thought he was
17:57
calling to apologize, but he caught.
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But he called to tell me not to talk to the District Attorney.
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Me first. You deserve what happened to
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you. Don't get me in trouble.
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I don't deserve to get in trouble and whatnot.
18:12
I don't deserve to get to get in trouble.
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Here's a here's a wild one. When I found him in bed with two
18:17
prostitutes, of course he managed to convince me to take
18:22
him back and that he was sorry and it would never happen again
18:26
and he loved his family. But then nine months later, our
18:30
10 year anniversary rolled around and he didn't even
18:32
acknowledge it. No card, no gift, not a not even
18:36
a happy anniversary. That's when I knew it was over.
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So you see, a lot of people would say the two prostitutes
18:41
wasn't enough. Sometimes it's not y'all, it's
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the mind. The mind, the trauma bond is
18:46
hard to break. The mind can get deep.
18:48
It can run deep. So you think it's sometimes it's
18:51
just not enough. Y'all, I'm serious.
18:52
But then you, you see something little something that takes less
18:55
effort. Send me a happy anniversary
18:58
text. He didn't do it.
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Sometimes it could be the little things that break that finally
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break the shelf, like the shelf has so much thing, so many
19:06
things on it, but there's a weight limit, right?
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There's a weight limit on this shelf.
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And sometimes all it takes is you to put a a straw on top of
19:13
it and it breaks So that not no, there's that no happy
19:17
anniversary after 10 years. That can be that can be break
19:20
the straw right there. Y'all.
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So this I got a couple more y'all, then I'm going to wrap
19:24
this thing up. I know this is the video longer
19:26
than normal, normal than usual, but I felt like I had to do a
19:28
video like this because I was like, I seen all the comments.
19:30
I was like, man, let me go. Let me just share y'all's share
19:32
y'all's stuff When he called the cops on me and had me arrested
19:39
for felony domestic violence after I found out he was
19:42
cheating on me. Spent the night in jail, got a
19:45
lawyer and the case was dropped. Sometimes they will try to teach
19:49
you a lesson for catching them cheating and if you take them
19:51
back, it just keeps going. Last one y'all and we're going
19:55
to wrap this thing up. I was pregnant with our son.
19:59
He chose to bring up every possible topic that we don't
20:02
agree on in front of his current kids, belittling me and making
20:06
it known to his children that my opinions didn't hold.
20:09
Anyway, I couldn't let me and my unborn child grow up thinking
20:13
his mom's thoughts and opinions weren't in value.
20:16
After I physically walked away from the conversation, things
20:19
escalated for his children that night.
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And me months following and the months following, even though we
20:25
were no contact and it reassured me I was making the right safe
20:28
decision. You see, I'm saying like
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sometimes y'all, it can be just the way they talk to you or
20:32
about you in front of people, y'all.
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So if you made it this far, what was your breaking the shelf
20:38
moment? When did you know that your
20:39
relationship was over? Or have you, have you had
20:42
something, you know, are you still in it?
20:44
And one of these things right here resonated with you.
20:46
Did any of this stuff resonate with you?
20:49
Regardless y'all leave a comment, leave a like hit, hit
20:51
that subscribe button, turn on, turn on those notifications and
20:55
I will see you in the next video.
20:57
Peace. Before you go, make sure that
20:59
you hit that subscribe button if you haven't already.
21:01
Y'all you already here, just hit the button.
21:04
Also, you can find my coaching, my courses, my one on ones.
21:07
Everything is available at my website, mentalillness.net, kids
21:10
book, self love journal. Also check out joining the
21:13
channel memberships as well. Y'all, thank you so much for
21:15
being here. I'm super grateful I'm out.
21:17
Peace.