Latest / Rise and Thrive with Dr. J. Nicole Podcast / The Hidden Power of Owning Your Struggles to Unlock Authenticity

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The Hidden Power of Owning Your Struggles to Unlock Authenticity · Rise and Thrive with Dr. J. Nicole Podcast

0:15
I love and hate this quote at the same time, he said.
0:19
You know, without struggle there is no progress.
0:23
I hate that quote because I was like, why can't I have progress
0:26
without struggle? And honestly, the most progress
0:29
I have had in my life has all come from struggle.
0:32
Yeah. Damn, you know what he was
0:33
talking about, But I'm I don't as much as I can, man, you know,
0:37
reduce any struggle. I'm going to try, but but it's
0:40
so true. Yeah, it's so true.
0:43
And I think when you own your struggle, then you can be
0:47
connected to authenticity. Without owning your struggle,
0:50
you can't be authentic. You don't know until you know.
0:52
And then it's just like there's an awakening that happens and
0:56
you you're different. People see it, they feel it, it
1:00
shows on you, it comes through you.
1:01
Is it? It's just like it oozes eye like
1:04
you all of a sudden. And I think it's kind of a thing
1:06
that people could always see was there like that potential?
1:10
But what happens when people have potential without
1:13
direction, or without They've been growing without framework.
1:17
So I think when you, when people have potential and they're
1:20
growing without framework or structure, it's just random.
1:25
You're like really buying a lot of ticket.
1:28
You don't know what's going to happen.
1:30
I think there's a, there's a chance.
1:31
Of course, you could always win just like, you know, one in a
1:35
million, whatever chances, but the likelihood that you will get
1:39
what you want to get that pot of gold that you're trying to buy
1:44
is just lower. It's it's just not the
1:47
probability is just much lower without the strategy and a
1:52
framework to achieve your goals. And I will say, not only is it a
1:57
lower probability, it's less efficient because as a dynamic
2:01
human being, there's multiple things that are going on in your
2:03
life. If you are operating without a
2:06
framework or a plan, there is inevitably other things that are
2:11
not getting the attention they deserve.
2:14
And so you may be steamrolling like, I'm going to go after this
2:17
thing, go after it, go after it, and you hopefully will get that
2:20
thing because you're aligned to that goal.
2:23
But guess how many other things you're missing out on, right?
2:26
And if you had a framework, a strategy to be like, yes, this
2:28
isn't how I'm going to spend my time to be efficient, but I also
2:31
want to, I want to grow my empathy.
2:35
I want to have EQ. I want to have travel
2:37
experiences. I want to have, you know, I want
2:40
to go on a ski trip with my friends, right?
2:42
Like I don't want. To.
2:44
We should. So you have to plan it right?
2:48
Because without a plan, you won't be able to maximize your
2:53
time and to make sure you are taking care of the things that
2:56
also matter to you. And I think that's the part of
2:58
the next 20 and getting into part of having a family, having
3:03
people who are prioritizing your life that structures your time.
3:07
Yeah, you're like, no, this is important to me.
3:09
I want to spend my time this way so I'm aligned to achieving this
3:13
goal. You can't do that if you don't
3:15
have, like, a strategy. You would inevitably miss out.
3:18
You know, as you were speaking, something came up for some
3:22
people in going back to the earlier question about people
3:25
taking action without strategy. A lot of people are operating in
3:28
survival mode and don't realize it.
3:30
And when you're in survival mode, you aren't thinking
3:33
clearly, you're going off of the motion.
3:35
And reflexes. Yep.
3:37
It's going to say instinct sometimes, and sometimes it's
3:40
not even that, you just doing whatever comes to mind.
3:42
And so taking that beat is really, really helpful because
3:46
sometimes when you just go without it, you end up cleaning
3:49
up more, using more resources, losing more time, money, energy,
3:54
all of these things. And some people Speaking of like
3:58
factory settings and changing those, they need to release the
4:01
survival factory setting. And I think for so many people,
4:06
they're like, well, this is what got me here.
4:08
Yes, it did, but it's no longer working.
4:11
Now it is it's working against you, what you were previously
4:14
using that was successful. You see what's happening, but
4:17
you refuse to let it go. And that comfort of the thing
4:22
that got you there, like that's what made you strong.
4:24
You no longer need it. I think a lot of people struggle
4:27
to release those things that gave them safety, that gave them
4:30
power, that gave them drive. Now that they've arrived,
4:34
they're not sure they place it with.
4:36
Yeah. To me, there's so many quotes on
4:38
everything you said. Success arrived.
4:41
What got them there? Where is there?
4:43
Where is here like all of that is so just like so subjective.
4:49
I mean, a lot of ways. I mean, there's there's a
4:51
concrete objectivity, like shelter, right?
4:54
Yeah. Health, access to health.
4:56
You know what I mean that that grounded in reality.
4:58
But I think there's this, there's this existential issue,
5:04
and I'm gonna try to articulate what I think can help be a
5:07
compass to understand the two. So, you know, in your body, you
5:12
observe your actions, right? Like you're voluntarily in
5:16
control. And then there's the observer of
5:18
the observer, okay, right, That stuff, what people call spirit,
5:22
soul, et cetera. But what is the distance between
5:26
the observer to the next observer?
5:29
What is that? I think when we talk about
5:31
survival mode, there's no distance between those two
5:33
entities. And then when you get to
5:36
alignment, there's more distance.
5:40
So the observer behind the observer can start to see what's
5:43
happening. And when you've got time between
5:45
the two, you can then start to make different choices.
5:48
But when they're so tight, you can't.
5:51
You got to have some distance between who you really are, the
5:54
formless being, and who you are, the person, and the identities
5:58
you've created. Doctor Cross, I got to put the
6:00
DACA on me right now because the way that you just simplify that
6:04
and I was like, yes, and how that just rang true for me when
6:08
I came out of survival mode. And like I was saying earlier, I
6:12
began to hear and see differently because there was
6:15
room and the observer of the observer.
6:18
This is rich. I'm glad.
6:20
This is so good and I hope this is resonating with people and
6:24
taking what seems so complex and simplifying it in a way where
6:28
people can really and truly like, take it in and hear it.
6:33
Really. And I will say like that as I've
6:36
come, like that's part of my gift, right?
6:39
That's why I created, you know, the strategy lab.com.
6:42
That's why like I've done a lot of the things I've done is
6:45
because I've been curious, right, to crack the code.
6:49
I've been curious to figure out what is sort of this
6:52
interconnected phenomena, right? I think as a population
6:56
geneticist I genuinely know we are 99% the same.
7:00
You know, you talk about we are. It's really 99%.
7:03
Yeah, like it is like it's not much that actually separates us.
7:07
I wrote about this even in my dissertation in like the intro,
7:10
like, like there's what's called Snips.
7:12
They're called single nucleotide polymorphisms, right?
7:15
You take a gene, say there's, there's 10 insights.
7:18
There's like a little component in there where the, the
7:22
nucleotide, so ATCG, you know, the backbone of DNA, the T maybe
7:27
AG for somebody and it maybe AT for somebody else.
7:30
Like that's a snip single nucleotide polymorphism.
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And then the difference that may be switched.
7:35
And then as it then as the genes are in their proteins and
7:38
different things, it will have a different effect phenotypically.
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So which is why somebody may have different eye color or a
7:44
different hair texture or shape of their lip, maybe they have a
7:48
Cupid's bow lip versus a different, you know, so these
7:51
are small differences. These are all really small.
7:54
Yeah, they are. They're.
7:55
Teeny tiny differences. We are way more alike.
7:59
I mean, so when you say we were living life for the first time,
8:02
I agree with you in the sense of like as the so the observer is
8:07
living it for really the first time.
8:09
But our bodies and different things, we are a remix of
8:14
genetic material that has been here for eons.
8:17
So technically we aren't living life for the first time.
8:23
The observer of the observer of is getting a chance to kind of
8:26
like take its turn to have a journey, have an experience.
8:32
But that part, it doesn't go away, right?
8:34
That came from space. That distance is space, outer
8:38
space is space. It doesn't just go away.
8:41
It's always there. It's been there.
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It's just taken on this form for a period of time.
8:47
So in a lot of ways, we have been here, we've always been
8:49
here, and we will continue to be here.
8:51
But we have this journey that we're on now to kind of have
8:55
like a cool experience. Wow.
8:57
Wow. Because, you know, I'm thinking
8:59
about it more simplistically, right?
9:02
Like when we have characteristics, behaviors and
9:05
traits of people that come before us and our generation and
9:09
we've never, ever been exposed to them, there's just like a
9:12
knowing and or it just comes out of us, you know?
9:16
And you're right. Like when you think about all
9:18
those things and intergenerationally how these
9:20
things are. Yeah.
9:21
So it is and it's not. And I like the way that you
9:24
framed that with the Observer. You've given me a lot to think
9:26
about and reflect on. Listen, let me find out.
9:29
I'm about to be over there at the strategy lab getting this
9:33
life together. So.
9:36
Speaking of, what does it mean to design A life versus
9:41
responding or reacting to life? You know, and everything
9:45
happening around us. Yeah, I think it becomes more
9:48
fun. Hopefully, you know, but it's
9:53
also, I think again, you can't design something if you don't
9:57
know what you want from it or like why you're doing it and it
10:02
doesn't. Everybody's why doesn't have to
10:04
be the same and it's not the same, which is the reason we've
10:07
got so many different things going on in the world.
10:10
Your why doesn't have to be my why.
10:12
And that's completely OK. I think that.
10:14
But when you do, you know, it's so funny.
10:18
It's it's kind of like, I think this relates to it.
10:21
But like, this is another phrase that comes to mind when I think
10:24
about things like design is like Anna Wintour was like being
10:28
interviewed by like, I think photographers and they were
10:31
like, well, what makes a good photographer?
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Like when you know, like you know they're ready, OK, like too
10:37
late. They have a perspective.
10:40
And to me it's anchored into art.
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They have. So when you start to see a
10:44
certain person, when they have honed their perspective, you can
10:48
see it in their work. OK, right.
10:52
So for me, designing a life is around honing your perspective
10:57
and starting to then live it with that point of view.
11:01
And then you can start to see a rule line in almost everything
11:05
this person does. And you're like, that is
11:08
uniquely them. It's a fingerprint.
11:10
It's like owning what is your fingerprint?
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And you were here without saying you were here.
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And that's what I think it really means like, because then
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it's going to be unique, right? It's going to be unique to you.
11:24
And we definitely need more of that, you know, and I don't even
11:26
me like I'm trying to get there, right?
11:29
Like I think in, in a lot of ways, I have figured a lot of
11:31
stuff out, but it's a journey still absolutely to like figure
11:36
that out. And I think we're always
11:38
figuring it out. And I remember telling someone
11:41
that's been two years now since I've said this, like these last
11:44
two years have gone so fast, but so much has happened.
11:47
But I remember saying like, I feel like I'm on like my fourth
11:50
life, my third or fourth life. And it aligns with like what you
11:53
were saying, like first 20s, second 20s or whatever.
11:56
But there's just different stages of my life.
11:58
I was, I was a different person, you know, and just continuously
12:03
evolving. Obviously, there were still
12:04
things that were just uniquely Genie finding out, discovering
12:09
and really connecting with who I am.
12:12
And I found this photo. I guess I'm gonna say I found
12:15
it, but I looked at it again during that time where I was
12:19
transforming, I was evolving again.
12:23
That period of like silence when I was spending more time by
12:26
myself. I saw this photo of me as a kid
12:28
with the IT is beautiful, like carefree you like I was free
12:35
like smile is the only way that I can think of and then you
12:37
could see the you could just. See it?
12:41
You could see it like the presents and you it was just
12:43
there. I'm going to see if I can insert
12:46
this picture and brother, this is my actual brother, Kevin.
12:51
I'm sorry, but you're in the photo, so I don't want to crop
12:55
you out of it because it's obvious that you're there.
12:59
But and I was like, this is who is here because a lot of us, we
13:07
hide that self and in this photo I'm like 3 or 4 years old.
13:12
I think I'm 4 and but I have the same face, same smile, like I
13:17
love it. And then I I see her and I was
13:19
like, I had to become a different version to protect
13:23
her. That's the survival mode, right?
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And then when you come out of it, she's free to come out and
13:29
play. She's free to come out and
13:31
explore it. She's free to be herself.
13:33
She knows who she is now. She's secure, she's grounded.
13:38
So it takes a lot to like, make her stutter or, you know, and
13:44
stumble. And it's a beautiful thing when
13:46
you can do that because it's like, at any moment I can suck
13:50
her away because Doctor J can protect her, but it's free for
13:54
her to be out. Let her be out.
13:56
We build the first observer. The second observer is always
13:59
there. So when you saw your child, your
14:02
child self, the original observer of the observer is
14:05
first. Yeah, that's there.
14:07
Then as you grow, you create the other observer, the original
14:12
observer is always there. And then you just merge them,
14:16
you know, and operate from survival mode.
14:18
But then you have to recreate, understand, like, oh, I built
14:21
this identity. I built, you know, this thing
14:25
that's not necessarily who I am. And I think that like we as part
14:29
of the the process of aging is like you start off boom, I'm
14:33
space, I'm here. You know, a kid doesn't identify
14:36
as a girl or a boy or this or that.
14:41
Like they're told, oh, girls wear pink.
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They start regurgitating what's been told.
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That's we're building the first observer.
14:48
Well, the secondly, the second. Yeah.
14:50
And then as you get older, you're like, I get it.
14:53
I get why some of this stuff was indoctrinated in because it
14:56
makes sense to a degree. But that still doesn't mean
15:00
that's who I really am, Right. You know, So I think, I think
15:02
you know, circling to your conversation around like how we
15:07
be ourselves, we have to identify who is not us within
15:11
us. Who is not us within us.
15:13
That's good. And then when you do that, you
15:15
can be like, all right, then the rest is probably me.
15:19
Yep, Yep. And when you go through that
15:21
like it's, it's, it's something completely different again.
15:24
I keep using the word freedom or you could even say liberation
15:27
because you're liberating yourself.
15:30
Or would you say is it the original observer that's
15:33
liberating you or like? Exactly.
15:36
Yeah, but you have to find your way.
15:39
Like it's just waiting like this is deep.
15:41
I can't wait to like live more and see this continue to.
15:46
Evolve. We could keep going in that
15:50
direction, but I also want to give folks some strategy for
15:52
like love and relationships, right?
15:54
Because this is the month of love.
15:56
So why do? And thank you for this great
15:59
foundation. And this was like felt like more
16:02
spiritual than sciency, but somehow we got both in there and
16:04
I love it. But why do you think so many
16:08
relationships fail even when there is attraction and good
16:12
intention? Oh my God, that's tough.
16:14
Why do relationships fail when there is attraction and
16:17
intention? Well, look, they're starting out
16:22
good because sometimes it's hard to have that attraction and
16:28
intention. But I think I think honestly,
16:31
it's that becomes nothing more. It's hard to generalize when
16:36
that when those situations fail, because I think there's a little
16:39
more nuance because those are two big pillars that keep
16:43
relationships together. So for them those pillars to
16:47
remain intact and it for to feel the structure of the
16:50
relationship crumble. I think it becomes like really
16:54
unique on those circumstances because a lot of the reasons
16:57
relationships stay together is because two people have that
17:00
intention. They want to be together.
17:02
One of the biggest factors in remaining together is 2 people
17:05
being like I want to be together, I want to be in a
17:07
relationship. Yeah.
17:10
And so I think when you have that, that's one of the biggest
17:13
pieces is people being like, I want to be married.
17:16
It doesn't necessarily need to be to this person, but I want,
17:19
I'm subscribing to this structure and somebody else is
17:23
like, I'm subscribing to this structure as well.
17:25
That to me is how I'm thinking about intention.
17:28
And if you're like, I want this, I want this too.
17:30
That's major, you know, and you think about attraction,
17:34
attraction. Now attraction is tricky because
17:38
there's, there's a study, I think it's like like if you are
17:42
around, most people end up being with somebody, like there's like
17:46
a 60% chance of you being attracted to somebody if you're
17:50
in like the same environment with them.
17:52
Like a lot of it is proximity to the group.
17:56
OK. So what you're saying is I need
17:57
to go position myself. OK.
17:59
All right. So a lot of it is that like if
18:01
you're in the space like and you're around like attraction
18:04
kind of just happens. Yeah.
18:08
But I would say, you know, we're talking about attraction to be
18:11
like there's, there's the sexual chemistry, there's, you know,
18:14
we, if I'm moving attraction into chemistry, then there's,
18:18
it's a much more, I think dynamic thing to have if you
18:22
have the chemistry, attraction and intention.
18:25
The reason I think things don't necessarily materialize, you
18:28
know, maybe there could still be some misalignment with values.
18:33
There could still be misalignment with how one wants
18:36
to live their life. I would say that's probably the
18:39
bigger one. Somebody's like, I want to be
18:41
married. I'm attracted to you, but I also
18:44
like want to spend a lot of time with my family.
18:46
Like I want my family involved. People like I don't want to deal
18:49
with that. Like me, like I love people's
18:51
families, but I like a nuclear family, you know, and we're
18:56
making a new family together, like it's us.
18:59
So I mean, there's, even though I could be attracted to you and
19:01
want to be married, that could be another issue.
19:04
So I think that there could be some ways of how you want to
19:08
live your life that are probably not aligned.
19:11
So that's how I would probably bucket it to be like.
19:14
That's probably where the the issue is.
19:17
And there's also could be timing.
19:18
I think timing is a thing that is not given as much credit as
19:22
it deserves when other things are aligned.
19:27
It could genuinely just be bad timing, you know, because you
19:31
could think about how you meet people like if, especially if
19:34
it's not necessarily online, even if it is online, like it
19:37
took so much for you both to be on this platform at the same
19:41
time to then click. And then like same thing about
19:44
going out to a bar. You could have just been at home
19:46
sleep, you could have had a stomach ache and you have had
19:48
those many of nights, but tonight you're out, somebody
19:52
else also out and then you meet there's that's timing.
19:56
So within the relationship time, the factor of time doesn't go
20:00
away. Right.
20:02
It's like now I'm also changing. I may want something different.
20:06
How does how do I want to spend my time?
20:08
And if you guys don't want to spend your time in the same way,
20:12
even when these other things are aligned, it can cause conflict.
20:16
And I think that that's something that needs to be
20:19
thought of because for me, I know now like in a partnership,
20:22
like I want camaraderie, like I want a companion.
20:26
I want somebody to spend my time with that I enjoy spending time
20:31
together. Like that is top of mind now.
20:33
So when I'm hanging out, I'm like, yeah, we can go to
20:36
restaurants, do whatever, but I want, I want to travel, right?
20:40
I want to do other things. So in in, you know, removing
20:45
resources traveling could be let's go to like a cool vintage
20:49
shop. Like do you like doing stuff
20:51
like that? Do you want to cook?
20:53
Do you want to can we make up things?
20:55
Can we go into make believe status and just like enjoy each
20:59
other I. Love this.
21:00
It's like the your inner child is like, yeah.
21:04
Present. And so for me that's critical.
21:06
Like if we can't do, if I don't enjoy spending time with you
21:10
because for me, I got to have attraction to you.
21:13
I got to have like we got to be in line if we're going to, if
21:16
you want the structure of a relationship, we're regardless
21:18
of as monogamous or Poly or whatever, whatever you guys are
21:20
ascribing to. But to me, the biggest part is,
21:23
do I want to spend my time with you?
21:26
Yeah, that's good. And I appreciate that you didn't
21:29
go with the easy answer to say strategy.
21:31
It's why they don't, right? And you really went into it.
21:36
There was so much richness that's in there.
21:38
But I love to hear that. And it takes the lived
21:42
experience to know what you do and don't.
21:45
And so, so many people don't give enough appreciation to
21:49
those failed, failed relationships when it's all
21:53
data. It's about you.
21:55
It's just about people. And if you don't use it.
22:00
You're you're just inevitably going to repeat it.
22:02
Yeah. In different forms.
22:04
Somebody might be taller, shorter, bigger, skinnier, more
22:08
money, less money, older, younger, different ancestries,
22:12
different backgrounds, but a lot of times you will just draw that
22:17
same pattern. Yep, Yep, that's good.
22:19
That's good. Which I think you're moving us.
22:22
And so you talked about this timing part already.
22:24
But like if we're talking about strategy and healthy
22:27
relationships, what does strategy like, what does that
22:31
reveal about choosing partners? If you want to talk more about
22:35
timing, you can. And what does it also revealed
22:38
about emotional investment? You know, I think you have to
22:41
have like your own framework, right?
22:44
Like I just, I think we kind of in the last scenario talked
22:47
about, you know, chemistry and tension, and then I added time,
22:51
like say that's my framework for dating.
22:54
And then you got to make sure those those broader categories
22:58
and you can have drill downs in each one of those.
23:00
So in intention again, structure of a relationship, what is the
23:05
structure of a relationship that I want?
23:07
Is that going to be something that's going to be aligned to
23:11
them? And then intention even gets
23:12
even broader than just structural relationship.
23:14
It's how do I want to be treated?
23:17
Am I OK with certain things? Like what am I non negotiables?
23:20
You know, we go to that second category, alignment chemistry or
23:24
attraction chemistry. How familiar is it?
23:26
Because a lot of chemistry is familiarity.
23:29
So you have to be careful. Yep, right.
23:31
Because it's like this person reminds me of my dad, but your
23:33
dad probably, you know, pros and cons.
23:35
This person reminds me of my ex. Oh, they look.
23:38
Look at that relationship. Oh, they look good.
23:40
They're just a better version of the eggs.
23:42
Are they, you know, so much chemistry.
23:45
Chemistry, I think, is important.
23:47
I love chemistry. Let's be clear.
23:48
It feels so good, you know, And I think it is important.
23:53
But you can grow, like, if there's certain components to
23:56
it, right? So for me, it's hard for me to
24:01
have chemistry with someone who has bad hygiene.
24:04
It's just hard. I think that's a a general
24:07
consensus. You know, it's, it's hard for me
24:10
to do that. So like how they take care of
24:12
themselves like is important. You know what I mean?
24:15
Like that will erode the attraction of the chemistry.
24:17
So, you know, like how they live their lives.
24:21
I'm like how to keep their space.
24:22
I am. So childish because I just
24:25
thought of a moment. I remember meeting this guy and
24:28
why I tell you bro was fine and educated.
24:32
That man opened his mouth and started speaking and I was like.
24:36
Blown away. Literally I didn't do that face,
24:39
but I was like what the what is a hat?
24:42
This is not real. No, that's just like a one off.
24:45
That was a random something in the air.
24:46
No, it was coming out of him and I was like ruined, ruined.
24:54
You know, right, You know, and there may be reasons for that or
24:57
whatever. And there was behavior.
24:58
There were a couple behaviors too, but yeah, on a.
25:00
Drop down on attraction, the hygiene is there.
25:03
It's just there. Yeah.
25:04
And so there's other drop downs. And then I think in the timing,
25:07
1, I think is the more dynamic one because that's connected to
25:11
like who you are in this time and age.
25:13
And like if things are going great for you, that's great.
25:15
If they're not, you know, like you may not feel as confident in
25:19
who you are. You know, you may not feel like
25:22
this is the best physical version that you're in.
25:25
You may feel like, you know, your reasoning for wanting a
25:28
partnership in different ways may be shifted.
25:31
So to me, a healthy way is to allow some wiggle room, right?
25:37
Don't have it so fixed because time is a variable that changes,
25:44
right? And it can even influence a lot
25:47
of other things too. So I think coming up with your
25:50
framework, but with dating, I think it is so important to have
25:55
an open mind and try things you may not normally do.
25:59
And just because you don't feel like there's chemistry, I think
26:01
you should still go on the date. I think you should still go on
26:04
the date and you could then be like, you know what these other
26:07
buckets are checking and and I do know you can grow to love
26:12
someone. You can grow attraction like
26:15
these are things you can do if especially when you value how
26:21
this person is showing up in your life because I have
26:24
definitely, you know, even more recently been like, Oh my gosh,
26:26
this person's personality is amazing.
26:28
Like would I, are they normally my physical fit normal type?
26:32
Like maybe not, but that's not as important as it is to me as
26:37
how I want to spend my time and enjoy life.
26:40
That is more important to me now.
26:41
When I was younger, not as much, but now I want to partner.
26:45
I get to the safe with, you know it, you know, as long as they
26:48
are committed to a healthy lifestyle, that's what's most
26:52
important. Because I don't want, I mean,
26:55
clearly there's accidents that can happen, but it's important
26:58
to have a person who has connected to health and Wellness
27:02
independently of you because that means you can have a chance
27:06
of having a long life together. And to me, I don't want to find
27:12
somebody I like spending time with and then they're just
27:14
unhealthy in a lot of ways. Whereas like we don't even get
27:17
that much time together. Like I'm one of a lifelong
27:20
partnership where we can do life together.
27:23
And that means we both need to be committed to health.
27:25
We both need to be completed to slip to sleep and water, right?
27:30
So that's part of the alignment peace.
27:32
And they can get aligned in different things.
27:34
But I think knowing what your core things are, real needs that
27:39
are connected to how you want to live your life, getting clear on
27:43
that, building a framework from that, not getting caught up in
27:46
the silly stuff around, you know, a lot of superficial
27:50
materialism. Because at a certain point, you
27:54
know, unless we all get access to Kris Jenner's, you know,
27:57
surgery, we going to age, you know?
28:00
We are, yeah. Or Tony like look, look certain
28:02
people that are not aging, but most of us will finding somebody
28:07
who's attracted to you regardless of you looking like,
28:11
you know, an AI character or not.
28:14
It should be to me part of your algorithm.
28:17
And that's where a personality attracts shifts to my times.
28:20
Person make me laugh sense of humor.
28:22
I think these things become much more prioritized versus like,
28:26
can this person match me? Are they on my level?
28:28
You know, I hear a lot of those narratives that I think are
28:32
wild, but I don't to me, I hear a lot of that and I don't think
28:36
it's aligned to what they actually really want.
28:38
OK, because really you don't match me you don't want, but
28:42
then you you're looking to compete with your partner if
28:46
that's one of those coded things, right?
28:48
And a lot of people, they don't know them yet.
28:50
They don't know that or even sometimes understand what has
28:54
motivated them. Maybe competition has been that
28:57
and then they think that brings out the best in them.
29:00
It's an unconscious thing. And so then they compete in
29:03
their relationship because they they're used to competing
29:06
everywhere that they've been or having to fight for the front to
29:10
be out front. So that that that's, that's very
29:13
interesting. There's so much I love that what
29:16
you're saying about you have to decide like what are those?
29:19
What are, what's in your framework like what do you need
29:22
in there? And you've been speaking a lot
29:24
about misalignment. So and how does it differ from
29:29
incompatibility? And then how does misalignment
29:32
show up in dating? Well, incompatibility and
29:37
misalignment and dating. To me, they're not.
29:40
These terms together are not mutually exclusive, right?
29:44
I think incompatibility and misalignment and dating go hand
29:47
in hand in a lot of ways. I think one of the benefits I
29:50
would say is of getting older is that misalignment and
29:55
compatibility become almost inextricably like, like, if I'm
30:00
not aligned with you, I'm incompatible regardless of how
30:03
fine you are, regardless of how much money you make, regardless
30:06
of how well traveled you are. And like, the chemistry could be
30:11
crazy. We're not a match.
30:13
Like, if we are not aligned because I know how I want to
30:15
show up, right? I'm not going to be messaging
30:18
you 20 times a day to get one message back from you.
30:22
That's even though all this other stuff could be great.
30:25
That's misalignment and therefore incompatible.
30:28
So I think that's how it shows. I think it's operating from
30:32
like, what are you willing? Because for me, I'm a
30:34
reciprocity person, right? You give, I'll take, I'm giving
30:39
you take like what? It doesn't have to always be
30:42
5050. It definitely doesn't because
30:44
it's never always 5050, right? But there has to be, we got to
30:48
be volume. We got a volley.
30:51
Like I want a person who's going to volley.
30:53
I'm telling you, I'm thinking about you, right?
30:56
I want to hear you thinking about me too at some point.
30:59
You know, I said, Oh my gosh, like I I miss you.
31:02
I like you. OK, All right, you got a good,
31:06
you know, couple days. And then if you don't tell me
31:10
you like me back, they're like, oh, I just don't really say
31:12
that. Well, I need to hear it.
31:13
Hella, you need to let me know something.
31:16
Like you got to be clear about what you need.
31:19
And then for me, if you like the person enough, you then tell
31:22
them, hey, I haven't heard you say, and I've gone through this
31:25
too, like where it's like I'm now more clear about how I'm
31:28
feeling, right? And then if I feel like the
31:30
person isn't telling me back that same reciprocity, then I'm
31:35
like, but then I feel like there's chemistry, right?
31:38
I feel like the vibe is there. Like I feels like this is
31:42
reciprocal, but they're not saying it.
31:45
So then I will be like, well, let me ask to make sure so I do
31:51
have enough, you know, and I and I nobody likes rejection.
31:55
Let's be cool about. That you have to be really
31:57
secure to ask that question too. It's not fun, but it's like, I
32:02
don't want to put this in the incompatible misalignment box.
32:08
If he they're just not if he, you know, isn't comfortable
32:13
telling me the verb, the word. Because I think a lot of men in
32:18
particular, like the way a lot of them are socialized are like,
32:22
don't talk about your feelings, right, Especially certain career
32:24
choices they might have. So for me, I'm like, maybe you
32:27
do like me and I just need to ask you or you don't, but either
32:33
way, I don't want to guess. So let me ask you directly and
32:37
then, you know, then I'm like, you know, waited a couple days.
32:40
I'm like, all right, like, hey, can we talk for a second?
32:43
You know, set it up, set the conversation up.
32:46
Can we talk? Everybody always like, oh, that
32:48
means I need to pay attention. Yes, that's exactly what it
32:50
means. Please pay attention to what I'm
32:52
about to say because I'm going to make a decision off of this
32:56
conversation. Yeah, right.
32:58
Like this is a data collection moment.
33:02
You know, in clinical trials, we call this a clinical endpoint.
33:05
We're at this point where we're going to deviate in this
33:08
protocol. I love how science is really
33:11
becoming so practical and what you're saying and that people
33:15
need to do more of this, really and truly.
33:18
Yeah, so this conversation time, we've been cool.
33:21
We've been hanging out, we've been on a date.
33:22
That's like the vibes are there. We've made out a few times.
33:25
Like I feel like you're bringing out this side of me that's just
33:27
like more animated, you know? But I'm just like, are you like
33:30
more of a non verbal person or you know, because I collect the
33:34
vibe there. You seem like you sense energy,
33:36
like just like, talk to me. What's going on?
33:38
I love that you just embodied like classic curiosity over
33:43
judgement. You didn't come with the
33:45
confrontation. Well, you don't do this.
33:48
You don't do that. You went you shared facts and
33:50
observations and then asked your question so that it was clear
33:54
y'all are operating in the same context.
33:56
So they will win. They don't have to ask all of
33:58
this. Tell me when No you and it's
34:01
it's a safer space to be open. And they were like, Oh, well, I
34:04
thought you knew because I da, da, da, da, da, da, da da.
34:07
And sometimes you just have to give people the room.
34:09
And sometimes it is creating that emotional safety because
34:13
let's be honest, if we have this program and I'm not talking
34:16
about feelings, right? Like I do agree that you can see
34:19
that more with men, but women can be that way as well.
34:22
And or letting the man say the things first, you know, but to
34:27
just create an opportunity that's not accusatory, it's not
34:31
jumping to conclusions or any of that.
34:34
Like, no, I'm giving you the room to tell me what it is in a
34:38
space that's safe versus other spaces sometimes where people
34:41
are attacked, accused or said like you're not doing enough or
34:46
they play games, they do the pull away and all of that.
34:49
I like another tactic I've used recently too is I guess I've
34:53
done it over the years, but now in the context of strategy and
34:56
dating, it's like like I'm fine removing myself.
35:00
Yeah. Right, but at the same time, my
35:04
now removal isn't like I don't want to talk to you.
35:07
We can't be cordial. I'm mad.
35:09
My feelings are hurt. It's like like because we we are
35:13
a community, right? So I'm so aware of that.
35:18
So I don't want to intentionally or unintentionally damage a
35:24
member of my community that would probably be a good match
35:28
for somebody else that I care for, right?
35:31
A lot of us are in relationships or not in relationships, and we
35:34
have friend circles. We're dating from similar pools.
35:37
So for me to get nasty or be angry with this person and I
35:41
have a homeboy who would be great or home girl who would be
35:46
great and once a relationship with a great partner and we're
35:50
always like, I don't know why they're single.
35:51
I don't know why she's single. Like there's so many good, you
35:53
know, like she's such a great person.
35:55
Well, you dating is contributing to damaging the community when
36:00
you also aren't honoring this other reality that's taking
36:04
place. So for me, I'm aware of that.
36:06
I want my friends to be happy. I want there to be options,
36:10
right? And as I'm in the 1st play a
36:13
role right now, I cannot maybe that's not the best role for me.
36:16
Yeah. And I want to handle or exit
36:18
this situation without it being something damaging.
36:21
Yeah, right. And that's why I think helps
36:24
inform my approach where it's just like I am curious and I
36:27
don't feel as sort of in in a able to be rejected to a degree
36:33
that hurts me emotionally because this person is part of
36:39
the community as well. Yeah.
36:41
And I think when you have that mentality, it motivates you to
36:44
have conversations in certain ways and it motivates you to
36:48
engage with a person because the tactic that I ended up using was
36:51
like, oh, you know, like, hey, just keeping it real.
36:53
I'm like, we haven't, you know, had sex yet.
36:56
This is weird for me. So like, why doesn't that
36:59
happen? So this is my own thoughts,
37:01
right? So then I'm like, how do I
37:02
engage this tactfully in a conversation, right?
37:08
And so Long story short, ended up being like, OK, so now that
37:13
I'm in the friend zone, just make sure you invite me to the
37:16
next friend gathering. And so I kind of took ownership
37:21
and placed myself right, took myself off the bread crumbing
37:26
path because I'm too old for that to be like, all right,
37:30
we're friend zoning because either we're romantic,
37:34
especially with this individual, right?
37:36
Because it's different for different people.
37:37
But for this dynamic, I'm like, OK, if we're not going to be
37:40
romantic, then we can be platonic.
37:41
And that's cool. You know what I mean?
37:43
If there's going to be a middle ground, I don't know if I'm
37:46
agreeing to that right now. That's just not where I am.
37:49
So you have to think about what you want because they're being
37:52
clear about what they want. And are you?
37:54
They're breadcrumbing you. Go along with it, right?
37:57
And then I'm like, I deserve a little more.
38:00
Like I'm hungry. I need a whole meal.
38:02
Yeah. That's what they want.
38:04
I can't do the breadcrumb. So at some point I got another
38:08
clinical endpoint moment. What are we doing?
38:10
Is this leading to say Thanksgiving feast or you trying
38:15
to take me to, you know, McDonald's?
38:18
What's happening? I was going to say even.
38:19
Less like we just going to like Baskin-robbins and just getting
38:22
a cone. Look, something Taco Tuesday,
38:26
like what's happening? But it's cool because I'm like,
38:28
OK, And then, you know, of course the response, the
38:30
response is what it is. But I think that's another way
38:34
you can sort of like own the rejection or own the
38:37
redirection, you know, in certain ways.
38:40
And then it honestly, it frees you up to then to see who else
38:44
is in your orbit that is maybe giving you exactly what you
38:47
want, who you are attracted to, who you are aligned with making,
38:51
who deserves your time. Yes, this is so mature.
38:55
Do that if you're playing these games with a lot of people,
38:58
yeah. And especially if you're playing
39:00
the game you don't want to play so.
39:02
Going back to those unspoken contracts, right, Like and, and
39:06
recognizing it and being able to see them.
39:08
I love this. And I said it a couple times
39:11
like this is so mature. It's so responsible.
39:15
It's just so wrong. And people always complain about
39:18
the dating pool being contaminated, not recognizing
39:22
exactly not recognizing their role in contamination.
39:26
So you want to blame it on everybody else, But then you out
39:28
here ghosts and people, you're not being clear.
39:31
You're doing all this stuff. You love vomit, people.
39:35
Silent treatment. You're doing all this stuff,
39:37
you're playing games. I'm on a date with you now.
39:39
We're in the same place and I'll see you, I'll speak to you.
39:42
That is so wild to me. It is.
39:46
Like we have literally gone on dates or you have been intimate
39:50
with each other multiple times or not multiple but you have
39:53
been. You can probably shared life
39:55
stories. You even got Nuggets of
39:57
knowledge and wisdom about your grandma, what she made, whatever
40:01
y'all was later and now I got to pretend I don't know you.
40:03
I think that's wild. Why aren't?
40:05
You very wild. Saying hello, hi, good to see
40:08
you. That rejection like, just like,
40:11
but you're agreeing to the rejection.
40:13
You're doing it by not acknowledging.
40:15
Yeah, and I I saw you and to me The thing is like whoever saw
40:18
whoever first, if I see you first, I'm going to talk to you
40:21
regardless if like I'm been if I'm friend zoned or if I friend
40:25
zoned you or I'm got friend zoned.
40:27
If I see you first, I'm going to speak.
40:28
Now I will say I don't usually wear my glasses.
40:31
Sometimes I don't got my glasses on so I can't see he.
40:34
Can't see without his glass. So so and I'll go.
40:37
Maybe I have my contacts in so it is not shade it is a promise.
40:43
Like if I see I will, but I sometimes I really just can't
40:46
see. You just made me chuckle
40:49
thinking back about I tried to date this older man one time and
40:55
OK, but tell my business. So I was trying to date this
40:59
older man because I was like, let me try something different,
41:02
more mature, more settled. And this is while I was in my
41:05
master's program. Baby, that man was playing so
41:09
many games. OK, so many games.
41:12
But what made me think about him is that he would be at park.
41:16
Of course, the park. Exactly.
41:18
And would not have his glasses on.
41:21
So we had kind of like we had drifted, right?
41:25
Really it was him. And I was just minding my
41:28
business, right? And I just knew he was going to
41:30
pull up on me. And I was like, oh, this man
41:32
can't see. He didn't even see me.
41:35
And it was just so funny to me because any other time he would
41:40
have pulled up on me. I said baby can't see in the
41:42
door and I wasn't offended, but somebody else would have been
41:47
like, how dare he not speak to me?
41:49
I was like, oh, you know that man can't see without his
41:51
glasses here trying to look young, but that's not your case.
41:55
I mean it. That's why I'm like, that's why
41:58
there should be a healthy curiosity because a lot of times
42:01
don't know. Yes, and people are in their own
42:05
world and so like, we can be here but not here.
42:10
So I'm bringing us back practically.
42:13
I love this. I'm having so much fun with you.
42:16
How can somebody assess whether a relationship is, you know,
42:20
strategically sound and not just emotionally exciting?
42:24
I think the difference is you have to have a conversation with
42:28
the person you get to the point. I don't, I don't think you need
42:32
to share your strategy from the get go.
42:34
I personally don't think you need to do that because I think
42:37
there needs to just be like a organic sort of assessment.
42:40
Like how do our how do our bodies just respond in the same
42:44
space together? Because.
42:46
That's also information, right, that people don't think about.
42:50
Like, it's one thing to have your laundry list of things, but
42:53
there's another thing to meet a person and feel their energy
42:57
signatures. Yes.
42:59
So your body is also because your body is receiving and
43:03
transmitting information on its own out second to your mind.
43:07
Right, Pilot. Yeah.
43:08
So you, you that's why I wouldn't say that you need to
43:11
necessarily share everything in advance.
43:14
I mean, there's definitely core principles I think that are
43:16
fine, but it's like, how do I feel when I'm around them?
43:19
Yeah, You know, I think that's a real important factor.
43:23
And I think as you, you know, a lot of these other things start
43:26
to check, you know, where you're like, OK, like, oh, I like, bye,
43:29
bye. We are attracting us like
43:31
spending time, you know, we're good.
43:33
Then I think you're like, all right, what what's my strategy?
43:37
Like I think there's a point where you have to have a mind
43:40
mail where you are sharing your intellectual property around
43:45
your framework and like what you really want.
43:47
Because that point, we can actually evolve it.
43:50
And now it's conformed because it may shift, you know, maybe
43:54
with this other person you weren't willing to do ABCDE.
43:57
Yep. And now with this person, you're
43:59
like, I can do ABCDEFG with this one.
44:04
So you don't want to tell somebody in advance what you
44:07
will or won't do, because you don't necessarily know yet.
44:10
You're not being present and you're not letting it.
44:12
You're not collecting data, you've already decided.
44:15
So I think that is, I think so important to have like a open
44:19
mind and but the the bio psychosocial sort of reason why
44:25
because you are still collecting data.
44:27
But I do think there reaches a point where you're like, all
44:29
right, like we spent time, we're good.
44:31
What do you how do you want to spend your time till you die?
44:34
What does that look like for you?
44:35
And like, then you can start to be like, all right, you want to
44:39
live in a you ultimately want to like have a cabin in the forest.
44:42
You're like, oh, bitch, I don't want to do that.
44:44
No. OK, so we're going to be cool.
44:47
I'm going to say hi to you when I see you Al, But I do not want
44:49
to live in no forest cabin. No, no, thank you.
44:53
Like that, would you be working towards have regrets?
44:55
I can't do it. But in the meantime, you have
44:58
had a good time. But I think I think there's a
45:01
point where you do you have to start to really share, you know,
45:05
and then with this person like, you know what maybe never
45:08
thought about spending time in a cabin with them, but maybe I
45:11
could be into it. But how?
45:14
How far can we talking about like?
45:16
How far can we just do this? Summers.
45:18
Can we have two houses? You know what I mean?
45:20
Like vacation home? Absolutely.
45:23
We can make this work, you know, where we both get what we want.
45:26
Absolutely. So, but I think there has to be
45:28
that my mail moment. I think it's kind of like died.
45:30
It's like, when do you do it? You know, I think I think you do
45:34
it before. I probably feel too invested
45:40
because you don't because you you because this is another part
45:43
of this is there's influence, right?
45:46
A lot of times people are influenced to do things that may
45:50
not actually be aligned to who they are because the the person
45:54
that they're meeting is a quote UN quote high value person.
45:59
You may not, you know, I'm like, look, your audience is going to
46:03
be like what you want to say now, but like this just let's
46:06
just use foot fetish, OK, As a category of things you may not
46:11
normally do, OK. And with this person you like,
46:14
you know what? They're hot and I'm gonna do it.
46:16
But now this person is thinking, you're into it.
46:19
They're thinking, oh, you love the thing that I love.
46:21
That's weird. You get married, you're into it,
46:24
you down the road and they're still expecting foot fetish
46:28
activity and trap. You didn't got them where they
46:30
had you didn't do it. And you like, I actually don't
46:32
like doing that. I never like doing.
46:33
It, and this is after the fact, Yep.
46:35
Now this person's like, what the heck?
46:38
And it creates this whole situation.
46:40
So that's important to yes, do the body checks, but you do
46:45
still have to be honest with yourself.
46:47
And the other person? Going to do.
46:50
Am I going to keep this sustaining?
46:52
What is the key sustainability things that we need?
46:55
If somebody has a high sex drive, right?
46:58
I mean, things taper, but you shouldn't necessarily expect it
47:02
to go away at a certain period of time.
47:06
But if you're like, I don't want to do this anymore, and then
47:09
you're mad that they're mad, you're setting yourself up for
47:12
failure. Yeah, it's a change.
47:14
People are going to respond and they have the right to.
47:17
That's where there's that point in the conversation.
47:19
We're like, you know, I may have done the foot fetch stuff
47:21
because I liked you, but now it's strategy.
47:24
My mail time. I'm going to be honest, that's
47:26
not going to be sustainable for me.
47:28
Yeah. So you now know.
47:30
That, yeah. If like, if this is something
47:32
that is critical for you, as much as I do not want to let you
47:35
go as much as I did what I did, I got to be real.
47:39
If my goal is sustainability and long term relationships, yeah.
47:42
And at that point, it's sort of the safe spot to be like, you
47:44
know what we did have fun. We haven't got a lease together
47:48
or done whatever. You know, let me be an adult
47:52
around what I can do to make this sustainable.
47:55
And also I think it gives the other person the opportunity to
47:58
decide if. You decide.
48:01
If they can, go without that and go forward with you.
48:05
Exactly. Yeah, because then now they're
48:07
like, all right, well, maybe we can do some other stuff.
48:09
It doesn't feel like the rug's been pulled out.
48:11
The money or what I call, I call it, I call it Southern belle
48:16
honey potting. Everybody's everybody honey
48:19
pots, right? Everybody has a honey pot.
48:21
They're like, oh, hey, I'm attracting you.
48:24
Come over here. Look what I have, like we all do
48:27
it right when we dress up, do different things as it's
48:31
versions of honey potting, but they all have their own special
48:35
one. And to me, this one is like
48:37
Southern belle honey potting where they just do all the
48:42
things. They're so sweet.
48:44
They're got the hospitality, you know, they like, they want the
48:47
husband. They do what they do, and then
48:50
when they get it, it's a whole different person.
48:53
Yeah, you're like, actually I didn't want to do any of that.
48:55
And it happened. Over and over again, because I
48:57
had someone ask me why is it that women switch up once they
49:02
get the ring? It's like you won sometimes.
49:05
I'm like, you were OK with being manipulated and they were
49:07
manipulative and now that they got what they want, they pull
49:10
back. But some people don't know that
49:13
that's what they're doing or what they're involved in
49:16
sometimes. Times you know and you know what
49:18
you're saying something the real truth, because I think this is
49:20
part of society because not that I give it an excuse, but I do
49:22
think every time I was strategy and dating, that is a thing to
49:26
say is like, how have I been honeypotted?
49:30
Like, has my honeypotting been something I can keep up with, or
49:34
is there something I need to reveal about it to set us up for
49:38
actual success? Yes, because you think about it,
49:41
people go from dating, having fun, playing games into like
49:44
building lives, right? And they're in.
49:46
Your bathroom. Yep, there has to be a shift in
49:49
behavior and some people it's not an easy transition to go
49:53
from playing and being outside to building a life.
49:56
It's two different things. Yep.
49:58
Yeah. And me.
49:59
One of them is snoring. If you snore, it's a problem for
50:01
me. Because you value your sleep.
50:03
I value my sleep. And sometimes it could be like
50:07
it could be worked on, but that could be a health indicator,
50:09
could means you need some better pillows or, you know, pillows
50:12
that are more supportive. Have to figure that out.
50:14
There was this boy. He was so cute.
50:16
So great honey, that snoring. I left to go sleep on the couch
50:21
it was so bad. Yeah, that's bad.
50:24
I was like, this is not sustainable.
50:26
Cute as you are, cute as a button.
50:28
Oh my gosh, no. No, I've.
50:30
Got to have a strategy conversation about that.
50:32
That's a deal breaker or if we can't fix it then it could be a
50:37
deal breaker. But look, this might be a joke
50:39
where some people like This is why people sleep in separate
50:41
bedrooms. They very much love each other.
50:43
We cannot sleep in the same space.
50:45
I don't want to live without you though.
50:47
And I believe in AC pad, I definitely believe in the C pad.
50:51
Like I believe in like working it out.
50:53
But in the early dating phase, yeah, look, the framework didn't
50:57
framework enough for me to be like, I'm going to push through.
51:00
You just keep triggering like just random memories that I had.
51:04
Oh my goodness. Like I was going from, I don't
51:08
know if it was going to New York to DC or, yeah, New York to DC.
51:12
And it was a last minute trip, so I had to get on the bus.
51:15
Dreadful. But this man was snoring on the
51:20
bus. He sounded like a tiger in the
51:23
back. I'm not kidding.
51:24
He was like, wow, like. And it was like, I don't know
51:32
where. I can't remember if I fell
51:33
asleep and it woke me up. But like anybody that was near
51:36
him would like cracking up laughing and.
51:40
My dad was that bad snore. OK.
51:43
And then there's that, right? So that's that's what went in to
51:47
your lived experience. I'm like, I remember being a
51:50
kid, man. Like this is crazy work.
51:53
Yeah, see I. Mean there were reasons for it
51:55
right, like him being military and like whatever chemicals
51:59
you've been exposed to, but and he and he ended up getting AC
52:02
pad, you know so which is great. I'm like, I love devices.
52:07
OK, put it on. And we all going to sleep good
52:11
and live longer. So there's solutions, yes.
52:15
OK, so do you believe love can survive without strategy?
52:19
Yeah, I think so. I actually do definitely think
52:22
it can survive without strategy. I think it's just less
52:24
predictable on the outcome. I think you just leave so much
52:29
to chance, you know, with without it.
52:32
I think that I think for a lot for certain people that have
52:36
such a similar culture, you don't you don't necessarily need
52:39
it. I think for people who are
52:42
coming together who have different cultural backgrounds
52:47
and different sort of upbringings, then it's less
52:54
likely for it to last. OK.
52:58
Without a strategy. But there is statistics that say
53:01
like people who get married in their late tease tend to stay
53:05
married right? Or second marriages have a
53:07
higher chance of lasting longer than the first one.
53:11
You know, in comparison, they tend to last longer.
53:17
And I think that's because people have learned.
53:20
And I think there's a lot more conversation that's happening as
53:23
you get older. You can start to put into words
53:26
your likes, your dislikes, like what you kind of want things to
53:29
be, what are you dedicated to? And, you know, and I think it's
53:34
much harder without those real conversations, you know, and I
53:39
think that there's, but I absolutely think love can can
53:41
exist without strategy for sure. I think that that it's
53:45
beautiful. I think love and beauty in a lot
53:49
of ways that are connected. And I think that when I think
53:52
about beauty, I think about nature, right?
53:56
I think about trees, I think about celestial bodies.
53:59
And I think that in a lot of ways, you know, trees in
54:02
particular are connected through underground systems and they
54:05
share resources. And to me, that's an that's an
54:08
extension of love, right? Yeah.
54:11
I want you to be good. I'm good.
54:13
You know, I'm helping out. And I think that when you have
54:16
that in a in a relationship, it can last.
54:20
I think a lot of it comes down to being supportive of the other
54:24
person and wanting them to flourish as much as you want
54:28
yourself to feel flourish. Yeah, I think as much strategy
54:32
as we can get into, I think the ultimate one is around how do I
54:35
support you, How do you support me?
54:38
What is our sort of underground root system that would sustain
54:42
that? And I think sometimes when
54:45
without strategy, that can happen.
54:48
And that's why I think why I say like, culture is almost like a
54:51
proximity for closeness in this tree metaphor.
54:54
When you have the same culture, a lot of times you're planted in
54:56
the same sort of soil. You kind of grew up in the same
54:59
thing. So that's sort of baked in.
55:01
But when you don't necessarily have that and the root system
55:04
has to travel, then you got to be more intentional about the
55:07
design. Like, you know, is there a Moat
55:10
between us? How do we get around that?
55:12
Do we now need to build a bridge?
55:13
Do we do we need IVF? Yeah, we can be sustainable.
55:17
We can make it, but we just may need some more innovation.
55:21
So I think that, you know, that's how I would try to answer
55:24
that question, but it's absolutely possible in both
55:28
ways. There's so much richness here
55:30
that I'm absolutely releasing this in two parts, and this is
55:33
going to be special. It's going to be a Tuesday and a
55:35
Thursday drop. So if you, whether you're
55:37
watching the first part or the second part, make sure you loop
55:40
back or go forward because there's so much that's been
55:43
given here, so much wisdom and practicality and strategy that
55:49
you can take and apply now. So if you could leave the
55:53
audience with one powerful truth to help them to rise and thrive,
55:58
what would it be? Oh my gosh, One powerful truth
56:03
to rise and thrive. I would say really it's kind of
56:08
a two-part 1, Invest in your chosen family.
56:11
Yeah, honestly, that's what if I had to leave one with one, we
56:14
invest in your chosen family. But the other part BI would say
56:17
is, you know, take risks like invest in your chosen family and
56:21
take risks. Like I think doing those two
56:24
things will just pay dividends. They've paid so many dividends
56:28
for me over the years. And pay attention to that friend
56:32
that you may not be paying as much attention to who has still
56:35
been there. A lot of times you forget that
56:38
friend and that's the friend that's will hold you down good.
56:41
That is good. OK, Thank you.
56:46
I'm like, I don't want to, you know, continue the episode.
56:49
But that in itself about friendship in in that chosen
56:54
family. Like I think that's a lot.
56:56
Well, you all you as much as I hope, have enjoyed our time with
57:01
Doctor Christopher N Cross today.
57:05
And in addition to this being split into two episodes, Doctor
57:09
Cross will be back with us to discuss main character energy
57:13
and the science behind it. So make sure you be on the
57:17
lookout for that in the coming weeks.
57:20
So audience, this is where we shift to you, where you're going
57:24
to reflect, take action, and be affirmed.
57:27
So for your reflection, where in your life or in your
57:29
relationships are you relying on hope instead of strategy?
57:34
I want you to identify 1 area, whether that's dating
57:38
boundaries, purpose, communication, whatever it is,
57:41
and ask what am I optimizing for?
57:44
What evidence do I have that this approach is working?
57:47
And from there to redesign one habit or standard this week with
57:53
intention. And I'm of course not going to
57:57
leave you without an affirmation.
58:00
I am not behind. I am becoming.
58:03
I am designing my life and relationships with clarity,
58:06
wisdom and purpose. So I want to thank you all again
58:10
for tuning in to another episode of Rise and thrive for Doctor J
58:14
Nicole. Make sure you like, subscribe,
58:17
you share, follow wherever you're listening or watching
58:21
this podcast. Join the community, leave us
58:24
some comments, get back in review, help this platform to
58:27
grow and share it with someone that you think would benefit
58:30
from what's been submitted today.
58:33
And I also want to encourage you to send in your letter, sending
58:38
your relationship questions, not just romantic, but also it could
58:42
be family, it could be friendships, could even be work.
58:44
Because at the end of the day, our human experience is
58:47
relationship based. So send those in so we can
58:50
process them and break them down here on air.
58:53
And make sure you check out the merch at www.evolve at Doctor
58:58
Jane nicole.com and Scroll down to the podcast page and click
59:03
shop the merch. So we have all types of
59:05
wonderful things are well, it's cold right now.
59:08
So we got the crew necks and hoodies and the cuffs, beanie
59:12
and spring will be upon us soon. So we also have T-shirts.
59:15
There's also notebooks and different things mugs.
59:18
And I'm going to be releasing some more, some more merch too,
59:21
just to make it more diversified.
59:23
So if there's some things you want to see in merch also let me
59:25
know. And like I said, thank you
59:28
again, Christopher, for joining me today.
59:31
It's been an absolute pleasure. I love showing off my Howard
59:35
friends and engaging with them. It's such a dope community and
59:39
family to be part of. And to be able to share you all
59:43
with other people, I think is also an inspiration and it helps
59:47
to keep the legacy alive, so. Absolute pleasure having me.
59:50
I mean absolute pleasure me being here.
59:52
Absolutely wonderful conversation.
59:55
Thank you so much, Jeannie. You know I love spending time
59:58
with you and I look forward to you coming to my birthday.
1:00:00
Day. Yes, yes indeed. 40 here we
1:00:04
come. Well, thank you all.
1:00:06
And that is all. Remember to keep rising in faith
1:00:09
and thriving in purpose and I will see you next week.
1:00:13
Take care.