Latest / Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce / 77. An Intimate Message for when You're Feeling Vulnerable Divorce Grief

Transcript

77. An Intimate Message for when You're Feeling Vulnerable Divorce Grief · Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce

• 0:53
  Speaker 1: Hi love, this is Dawn and you're listening to Dear Divorce Diary with my coach, dawn, where we explore the post-divorce life and you, the woman who lives it.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: We cover everything from trauma during and after divorce to feeling like a stranger in your own life and the new frontier of life as a single woman.
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: Cozy in for the conversations you've been longing to have about this new life.
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: Hi, love, if you've been listening to the pod for a while, you know that a few months back I was summoned for jury duty and that is its whole own epic story and how I got scammed around jury duty and all of that.
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: But today I reported and I got to do a lot of my own kind of inner coach work while I was there and I'm very grateful for that and I'm sure we'll talk about that another time.
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: But today what really stood out to me while I was there was the woman in the back row who, during roll call, we each had to stand up and say how far we drove, what our job was, whether or not we were married or single, and what our spouse's job was.
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: And to the woman in the back row just behind me who had to stand up and say her job, say that she just got a job and that her husband has a job, but she's not sure of his title because they just got separated.
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: This episode is to you.
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: I wish I had hugged you, I wish I had asked you what you needed, and I want you to know that I could feel your self doubt, your insecurities, all on the surface, the vulnerability involved in having to speak those basic things about yourself, but in a room full of people at a time where you're feeling so vulnerable.
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: And then no one hugged you.
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: And it's not like no one else in that room had problems.
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: Of course, so many people in that room had hardships or problems for sure.
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: But wow, divorce is just such a vulnerable spot.
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: And if I could go back to that room and I could speak to you, I would say you are beautiful and you are wise wiser than you realize and you have the power to create worlds inside of you.
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: You are a woman and as that woman, you have the ability to literally create life.
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: And while we too often think about that with regards to creating children's lives, what about that?
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: You have the power to create your life new.
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: Today, I think that the thing that really felt so profound to me was the tone of voice, right, how insecure it sounded.
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: And gosh, if you're not feeling insecure, I hate to be falsely applying that to you, but what is insecurity in that moment other than so much self-doubt?
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: And so if I could speak to you today, I would say you have everything you need.
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: Ask anyone around you for help in executing the things that you desire If you feel like you have insurmountable circumstances around you.
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: It's not true.
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: You will be able to find a million examples to prove to me why everything is so hard right now, and I know how true those feelings are.
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: The irony of this moment, as I was sitting in the courtroom, as I was reading a book it was a homeopathic book, right, but it was a book on how all human emotion comes from the imagination.
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: And, wow, that's a powerful thing to consider that right now, love, your imagination is running wild, more around the things that could go wrong than the things that could go right.
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: And when you think about how many things in the course of your life, the lives that have come before you, right, there are so many stories we've been told about.
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: So much pain and so much suffering and so much struggle, love, you do get to change all of that, but it comes at the cost of interrupting that imagination about everything that can go wrong.
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: And it means harnessing imagination about everything that can go right, everything that can go beautifully, if you allow yourself to be called to it.
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: I think so often we stay in marriages for so long because divorce is, rightly so, the very last resort, except maybe for the woman who didn't want this divorce at all and got blindsided by it, right.
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: But I think so many people stay so long because it is the absolute last resort.
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: And so often there was something calling you forward, something more.
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: You believed at some point that there was something more for you than these circumstances.
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: And so then we get, you know, a couple of minutes of insane courage and we pull the trigger and we do the thing.
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: And then, as the dust starts to settle, which you've made the decision to separate, right, like okay, you've gotten over one big hump, but but now what is like?
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: What sets in right?
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: Like now what?
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: And there are so many moments that feel too big to overcome, too big, but the reality is, most of the time those things feel so big because of how powerful our imaginations are I want you to think about.
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: I want you to imagine love to my new best friend in the back row.
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: I want you to imagine a beautiful life, and you may say I used to imagine a beautiful life, dawn, and then this is what I got.
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: You're not wrong, you're not wrong.
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: So, to all of to all of the loves out there who imagined a beautiful life and then got something different, let's talk about what went wrong, because love, while there may be things inside of you that need to be healed or shed, doesn't mean that everything went wrong right.
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: Too often, we let our imaginations and our emotions and a code of conduct that was handed down to us dictate how we make choices, and so, too often, we suffer too long, too often we don't express ourselves well.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: Too often we don't live into our dreams.
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: We settle for what we think life has to be right.
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: So, love, if you dream for a beautiful life, no, that's not just enough.
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: It's not enough to just dream about a beautiful life.
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: So what I want you to do next is to dream again.
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: Dream again about a beautiful life, but then, as you step onto the path of that beautiful life, I want you to care enough about how you feel, to make sure you feel joy every day.
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: I want you to care enough about how you feel to make sure you express yourself honestly every day, that you don't hide who you are.
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: That you don't soften the edges of your uneness to fit in in places.
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: That you don't allow yourself to shrink in order to make other people feel better about themselves.
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: That you don't settle.
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: That you take on solutions, tackle solutions right, find solutions and use them consistently right.
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: So love, if you, if you used to dream of a beautiful life and then somewhere it broke down, I want to ask you, how well were you loving yourself and how much love from others were you letting in?
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: And what does that look like today?
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: Right, how well are you loving yourself today, and how much love from others Are you letting in?
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: Now it's easy to say there's not as many people around me who love me well as I would like.
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: That's part of recalibrating your dream, right?
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: Part of recalibrating your dreams sometimes means dreaming big and then making sure you put people in your path who are going to support you in that big dream, who are going to love you well in that big dream, and often that means stepping outside of your comfort zone and finding people who are going to see you differently, who are going to treat you differently.
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: It means going and be vulnerable and it means looking in places that maybe you're not used to looking.
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: So many of us keep going back to an empty well and expecting our cups to get filled.
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: So too often we keep asking for love from the places where, for this moment, it's just not quite available, and then we're back in the circle of feeling disappointed and rejected and like we're not good enough, right.
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: And so also, so often, love, when you've dreamed really big but then you've not actually walked in faith towards that dream, you've taken your power back at so many times.
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: You don't have to do that.
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: And, man, I know that moment so well, so well, where I have a dream and then I feel like to execute that dream.
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: I have to work so hard and I have to control the outcome and I have to make sure.
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: But I believe in a God and in a universe that knows what we want and believes us and is supporting us and is guiding us all the time.
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: And the more we try to control the outcomes, the more we muck it up.
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: So, love, if you used to dream and then you got this and you're afraid to dream again because you don't know if it's going to work.
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: I want you to know that today, even though on this very day the things that go on in this planet seem heinous and horrible and insurmountable, that actually the flip side of that coin is that what goes on in this planet today is we know so much more about mental and emotional wellness.
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: We know so much more around manifestation.
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: We know so much more about how to discern anxiety from intuition.
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: We know so much more on how to attract the beautiful dream that you have visualized.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: And there are all the tools that you need out there to click all of that into place If you look in the places where there is beauty, where there is joy, where there is strength, where there are answers, where there is love, where there is accountability.
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: So, love in the back row.
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: Do not give up.
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: Do not be faint of heart.
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: Do not let the fact that you had to stand up in the back row of a courtroom saying these very vulnerable things that you had to say about yourself.
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: Do not go to that place.
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: Puff up your chest, roll your shoulders back, take a deep breath and know that somebody here is thinking of you.
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: When you think that you're alone in your bed at night and everything feels insurmountable, someone is thinking of you and you don't even know it.
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: Someone is always thinking of you with love and wanting to hold you, and your job is to navigate towards those people.
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: I want you to imagine all the people in your life who are just waiting to meet you, who are waiting to lift you up, and I want you to not settle for less than that.
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: I don't want you to get bogged down in a narrative on social media that tells you that you are entitled to feel angry and you are entitled to feel resentment and you are entitled to feel everything you're feeling.
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: You are entitled to feel those things, love, but you are not intended to stay stuck in those feelings.
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: You are intended to use your God given tools and your God given healing rights to heal and to rise and to break cycles and to be your beautiful, bright, shining light that you are.
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: And that doesn't mean it's going to be easy, but it doesn't mean it has to be this hard to feel, to be alive, to be human and to feel means.
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: We are going to feel painful things, but we are told that we have to feel pain way more than we actually do.
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: And to the people in the circumstances and the suffering that is very real, to the woman who has been horribly abused and to the to the woman who truly, truly has felt trapped and helpless and powerless.
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: I can only imagine the layers of conditions, the layers of suffering that you have experienced.
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: And I still say to you that redemption is possible and that emotional freedom and healing is possible if you keep searching for it, if you keep using your imagination to believe in it and you keep steady on the path towards it.
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: I'm not here to deny your suffering.
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: I'm here to say I see you and your suffering and still I believe that you have the power to create worlds inside of you.
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: And if you get stuck in a feeling, shake it up.
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: Shake it up because when we get stuck in a feeling is when we go stagnant and is when all the imagination of our emotion, right, it reinforces all the negative things that we were ever told or think or felt.
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: So if you are stuck in a feeling, shake it up.
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: Do something radically different to get a radically different result.
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: Do not let your heart go bitter.
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: You are beautiful and you are wise and you are powerful and I see you and I'm sorry I didn't hug you.
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: I love you so much.
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: Peace.