Latest / The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show / Episode 44, Season 1: How to Show Up as the Best Version of Your Most Authentic Self

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Episode 44, Season 1: How to Show Up as the Best Version of Your Most Authentic Self · The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show

• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Love dot Podcast. I am your co
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: host Branda Richard here with our host, doctor Sarah Hinsling.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: What's up? What's Up? The owner and CEO of The
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: Dating Decoder soon.
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: To be the love Doc relationship coaching services. We are
• 0:24
  Speaker 2: rebranding and we are one millimeter away from the launch
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: of the new website. But don't worry, guys, the Dating
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: Decoder dot com I still own it. Yeah, so it
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: will reroute you to the love dot dot com if
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: you use that website. So you're super excited the rebranding.
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: We have new colors we have We're going to be
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: having merch Yeah.
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: I love the new colors too. I think it's like
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: I feel like the color. It's crazy how colors can
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: make such a big difference when it comes to visually
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: looking at a brand, but it really matters it, Like
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: I feel like with these cover colors, your your whole
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: brand just sort of elevated.
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: Yes, it did. And you know, I had fifty bucks
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: in my pocket when I started this business the first time. Yeah,
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: so I was a little limited. I was doing like
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: a logo on my phone, right, I didn't even have Canva, Like,
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: I didn't have anything and so it just and I
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: started out really focusing on helping couples in the dating
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: phase of relationships, really helping people find better partners, achieving
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: their attachment security to attract better partners. And then as
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: I started branching out, I got more and more requests
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: like you do work with married people, and I was like, yeah,
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: let's give it a shot, and was very successful there
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: as well. And so it just the dating decoder just
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: isn't It doesn't describe what we do anymore.
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: No, No, You've You've definitely branched out, and I'm just
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: happy to be a part of it.
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: Yeah, well you have been the engine. Well it's behind
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: this train.
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: We're a good team. And we talked about this a
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: lot on vacation. You know, I do tend to be
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: a little bit more Type A. You're a little bit
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: more Type B. But which is so interesting. It might
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: surprise people because you have this you know, niche in
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: terms of what you do, and you're you're so good
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: at it, and so I think if people just viewed
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: you from that lens, they would think that you were
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: really Type A.
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: Oh no, I'm very B type.
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: But you're like, listen, guys, Sarah, I'm like.
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: Hold on, I was eating a hand sandwich in my seat.
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: Let me throw that out the bag so you can
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: get it.
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: It's just like Lota like this is how she lives.
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: Her life is like out. They're like yeah, like wow, man,
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: this is really awesome. Yeah, Like I mean, it's just again,
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: it's so funny. When you travel with people you like,
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: you learn a lot about them and watching yours for
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: the record, you and Donald I would travel with you
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: all yes, and over time with you guys, because you
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: guys are easy. There was no stress, no drama, no drama,
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: very simple. Like we we stayed sort of on the
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: same same wavelength in terms of Okay, beach, nice dinner,
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: go home, go to bed. Yeah, and that's my idea
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: of a really great van.
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: That's right. None of us are like, let's go to
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: the club.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: Bed, Let's go eat a really great dinner and then
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: pass out for sure. So speaking of passing out, we
• 3:16
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• 3:19
  Speaker 2: Yes we do. I am obsessed with Cozy Earth. I
• 3:21
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• 3:23
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• 3:25
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• 3:28
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• 3:31
  Speaker 2: I'm going to be adding some things to my cart.
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: I'm going to be adding the jogger set. That's a
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: good one because I'm obsessed with Like.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: I gotta get Josh pajama shorts.
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: Yes, if you have a male partner, okay, I don't
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• 3:55
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• 4:00
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• 4:01
  Speaker 1: I know he was talking about on a vacation, which
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: you want to do it? And men run hot, you know,
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: like men are just hot, like they're like little heaters.
• 4:06
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• 4:09
  Speaker 1: they're great for like hanging around the house, right like
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: once you get into the bed. The shorts are really nice.
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: The sleep shorts for the dudes are really good. And
• 4:17
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  Speaker 2: a fan of. So they are made of viscous bamboo
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• 4:51
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• 4:53
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• 4:57
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• 5:01
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• 5:04
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• 5:06
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• 5:35
  Speaker 1: Cozy Earth, We love you all right. Episode forty four.
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: Yes, which is about authenticity. Yeah, showing up as the
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: best version of your most authentic self and why that
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: is so deeply important in our all of our life, Yeah,
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: but most important in our intimate relationships.
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: Begin our relationship to self. This is a big one
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: for me, So I'm gonna hone in and really pay
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: attention here because you know, first off, I think it's
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: important to define authenticity, what it means, what it looks like,
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: because I think sometimes in our lives we think we're
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: showing up authentic, yeah, but when we are not.
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: Yes, No, Well, a lot of authenticity has to come
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: from understanding your shadow self and your suppressed traits. So
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: we grow up and our parents give us a ton
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: of messages. This is the basis of attachment theory. Okay,
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: they give us a ton of messages about what it
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: means to be loved and what it means to be us,
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: like what it means to be us. We get feedback
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: from our caregivers on whether we are a good person,
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: whether we are smart, whether we are beautiful, whether we
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: are loved. All of these messages, if we had any
• 6:52
  Speaker 2: idea how profound of an influence we had on our kids,
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: I don't know if any of us would happen, okay,
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: But they keep that from us. When we have gifts,
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: we don't talk about, we don't think about that. We
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: all think we're going to get it right. But we
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: get all these messages from our caregivers, and then we
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: learn from those messages what traits are sort of acceptable
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: to show the world, and what traits need to be
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: kept hidden or suppressed, or that we need to quote
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: get rid of. Right. So, of course I love to
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: talk about the dismissive avoidant person. Their suppressed traits are
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: all around vulnerability because they're given so much feedback as
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: a young child to suppress their emotions, to stop crying,
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: not to worry about things. It's all just going to
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: be okay, And so when they express real sadness or
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: real fear or whatnot, they're just completely dismissed. 're told
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: that it's wrong to think that way, you know, go
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: off and be quiet, whatever the words used are. The
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: gist of the parenting style is Hey, emotions aren't okay.
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: You know, emotions don't really serve a purpose if you
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: have them, go figure out how to deal with them,
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: don't bring them to me. And so they suppress their
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: need for vulnerability, They suppress their need to be emotionally
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: in touch with themselves. They suppress their own relationship to
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: self with their own emotions. And so then how do
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: you think they're going to show up inside of relationships?
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: Do you think they're going to be this super vulnerable
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: partner who can understand their own emotions and understand the
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: emotions of other people. Oh, those traits were suppressed, and
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: so a large part of healing is to be able
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: to look at these suppressed traits and instead of holding
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: shame around them, we start to realize that it's okay
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: to express them and to have them. And I've really
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: been intersecting this with faith lately and it's brought me
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: down some interesting roads.
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: Talk about it.
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: Okay, So there's a large part of suppressed traits within
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: myself that revolve around sort of being the villain or
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: a rule breaker, or like being a bad girl. Because
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: I grew up in a very i wouldn't say very
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: strict Catholic home. But I grew up Catholic, right, Okay,
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: there's a lot of rules to Catholicism. There's a lot
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: of expectations, and you know, my mom was always pretty
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: vocal about, you know, being a good person and following
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: the rules, and it has helped me be incredibly successful.
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: So I'm very thankful to my mother that she raised
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: me with this desire to follow the rules, to genuinely
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: try to be a good person, to be kind to
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: other people. Absolutely, I think those are wonderful things. But
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: I did suppress a lot of my sort of bad girl.
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: Side, like free spirit, free.
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: Well yeah, but then there's also a part of me
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: that's like, yes, sometimes I do want to be the villain,
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: and I know that's not godly, that's not what God
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: wants from me. That is not coming from God, you know.
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: And so there's this intersection between there's a part of
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: me that wants to go down. Let me give you
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: an example. Maybe this will illuminate it a little bit better.
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: So the thing that we cannot talk about, right, the
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: person that hurt my family, who are we are in
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: a legal situation with that is playing out legally because
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: they actually committed a crime, and we're trying to get
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: some resolve to the issue. There's there's a big part
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: of me that wants to be the villain and wants
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: to be like, you know what, You're going to get
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: every ounce of karma coming for you, and that wants
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: to just sink into that and just hold on to
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: that like empowerment of being like, oh, you hurt me
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: because you're jealous of me, and you're jealous of my marriage,
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: and you're you know, you want to you want to
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: hurt me in this deep way. I'm about to show
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: you right, No, But then I have to immediately I
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: hear God's voice go, you know, Sarah, that's not who
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: I created you to be, right, And so how does
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: that intersect with like the suppressed traits? Well, it intersects
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: there through God's grace and mercy because when I drop
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: into that that sort of like space, even just for
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: a little tiny bit of like you know what, you're
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: getting it, You're gonna get it someday some day, Karma's
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: coming for you. Even if I mean, I'm not saying
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: I'm going to be the person that's going to be great,
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: this person that's not who I am, right but wishing
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: that karma would come back around. God's kind of like
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: m I'm the justice and the jury, and no, we
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: do not carry bitterness in our heart for people. That
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: is not that is not Those are not my ways.
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: But when I sink into that, I have repentance. I
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: have Jesus grace and mercy to go. You know what,
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: the devil got me for a second. Yeah, he got
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: me for a second. He let you know. I sunk
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: into it. I accepted it. I aligned with the enemy
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: and that bitterness and that desire for this person to
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: experience pain because they hurt me. But God has brought
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: me above that. He has shown me his higher ways
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: of releasing that into stepping into forgiveness, and ultimately that
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: is more soothing to my nervous system than it is
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: to sink into that bitterness. But it's the human aspect
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: of me, and there's been a lot of suppression of
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: that over my life that now that God has helped
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: me realize, yes, that's there, but that's not the part
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: of you that I created, And so it's not that
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: he wants me to suppress it. He wants me to
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: release it. And that's the difference. So now the authentic
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: part of me can go, Yeah, I have totally for
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: five minutes, just sunk into wanting this person to suffer
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: because they caused my family so much deep suffering. But
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: then immediately God speaks to me and says, you know, no,
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: we can release that. Seventy times seven is the forgiveness rule,
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: which means technically infinity, and so you don't need to
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: suppress that part of yourself. I want you to release
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: that part of yourself right and to accept my love
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: and grace and mercy and not hold any shame. For God.
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: I would have had shame, it would have been like, oh,
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: that's that's a terrible thing to think I'm such a
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: bad person, because that's what shame is. It hits at
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: the level of identity and says you're bad, right, And
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: so then so those are you know, the intersection of
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: those two things.
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: And so I think that you know, back to what
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: it really means to like show up authentic. It's this
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: obviously it's it's a journey, which we were talking about
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: before this episode started. But it's this idea of being
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: in those situations where maybe those darker shadow parts of
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: yourself come to light and really acknowledging what they are.
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: Yes, acknowledging that, releasing any shame around it, because if
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: you have faith, Jesus came to die to take a shame.
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: He takes your shame, that's what he does. And then
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: there are other traits that we should have absolutely no
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: shame around that we don't need to release. We actually
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: should maybe be expressing these things. For example, for the
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: dismissive avoidant, it is okay to be vulnerable, It is
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: okay to say exactly how you feel. And I confront
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: so much of this in my practice. It is every
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: single day, almost all day long. I have people and
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: when I'm doing the attachment interview and I'm saying, what
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: is your reported level of emotional vulnerability? How easy is
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: it for you to tell your partner your deepest thoughts,
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: your deepest feelings, deepest fears without being inhibited by their
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: potential reaction. And everybody says it used to be easy
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: for me in this relationship, but as the relationship has
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: gotten worse, it's become very hard because I'm so afraid
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: of the reaction that I'm going to get for being
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: truthful about how I feel that I instead suppress that
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: and hold it in, right, And that means either going
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: into a flight response, which is a sympathetic nervous system activation.
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: It's you know, right next to fight. Yeah, it's just
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: holding it all in but being very torn up on
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: the inside emotionally, or a freeze response, where you're dissociating
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: and shutting down. And so many people have gotten to
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: the point in their relationship where they are either living
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: in perpetual flight or perpetual freeze because they cannot express
• 15:15
  Speaker 2: themselves authentically because their partner is just going to get
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: defensive and or blame shift or shut down, and they're
• 15:21
  Speaker 2: just trying to keep the peace and trying to sustain
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: the connection. And really what ends up happening is it
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: becomes ingrained into us deeply that these suppressed traits are
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: going to potentially remove our access to safe connection, right, Yeah,
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: that if we express these traits about ourselves, we're not
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: going to have safe connection. And that can be true
• 15:46
  Speaker 2: to some degree, but you need to be in a
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: relationship where that isn't the case. It's not a healthy
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: relationship if you cannot be who you are.
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: And I want to talk to specifically about the perpetual people, please,
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: because I feel like, you know, the people who want
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: to perpetually people please, And I can honestly say this
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: is kind of where I sometimes struggles. They really struggle
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: with showing up as their true AUTHENTICSS.
• 16:16
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, because who are they keeping the peace for?
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: Right, Yes, they're not.
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: Keeping the peace for themselves. They're keeping the peace for
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: the other person because you don't have inner peace when
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: you are not able to authentically show up expressing your
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: needs and desires in a relationship.
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and it's hard for them where you're hurt or.
• 16:35
  Speaker 2: Your pain in a relationship.
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it's really difficult for the perpetual people
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: pleaser to set those firm boundaries without feeling like they're
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: going to be rejected.
• 16:44
  Speaker 2: They can't. And what I always tell people is listen,
• 16:47
  Speaker 2: if asking for your needs to be met in a
• 16:51
  Speaker 2: relationship or talking about things that hurt you in a
• 16:54
  Speaker 2: relationship makes your partner run away, they were never going
• 16:58
  Speaker 2: to give those things to you anyway. They were never
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: going to meet your needs. They were never going to
• 17:02
  Speaker 2: fix the things that you are being hurt over right,
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: They're not going to do it, And so you're just
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: ushering out them sooner instead of prolonging the inevitable pain
• 17:12
  Speaker 2: that you're going to face. I would not be in
• 17:16
  Speaker 2: a relationship if I did not feel like I could
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: come to my husband and say, hey, this is bothering me,
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: or hey this is something that I need.
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah. I don't struggle with it with my husband. I
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: struggle with it with my friends and really being able
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: to not feel like I'm going to hurt somebody's feelings,
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: but in the meantime completely self abandoning my own.
• 17:38
  Speaker 2: Completely and just being forced to take on someone else's
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: opinion and perspective and reality, you will get forced out
• 17:48
  Speaker 2: of your reality. Listen, everybody is entitled to their own reality,
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: and it is horrible, It is almost abusive to try
• 17:57
  Speaker 2: to force somebody out of their reality and into yours.
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: Somebody has to be willing to volunteer and step into
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: your reality. That's called empathy, and you can't force that. Moms,
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: you can't force that out of somebody. And we just
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: did an episode on that, the last episode of you Know,
• 18:14
  Speaker 2: if they don't want to be kept, don't keep them.
• 18:17
  Speaker 2: It's that principle.
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, right.
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: You can't force someone out of their reality. All you
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: can do is explain yours. All you can do is
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: explain your reality and it's their choice if they want
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: to step in it or not.
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: So for those people that maybe struggle really to speak up,
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: maybe the one you know, the individuals who lean more anxious,
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: you know, what's your advice in those situations because I've
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: been in those situations, not specifically with my husband. I
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: can speak up very easily with my husband, but maybe
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: with friends where when I try to speak up I
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: become really dysregulated. So is it just sort of like, Okay,
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: I have to push through and get to the other
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: side and then maybe it'll feel better.
• 18:57
  Speaker 2: I think you need to do the work to earn
• 19:01
  Speaker 2: your security and your relationship. You need to have that
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: secure relationship to self because a lot of people with
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: insecure attachments struggle with self trust, so they don't know
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: if they're being fair and what they're asking for in
• 19:15
  Speaker 2: their relationship if they're asking too much, for example. And
• 19:18
  Speaker 2: what I would say is, you know, do the work,
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: but also also push through. Push through. It isn't always
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: comfortable to have hard conversations, even when you're secure. It
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: can be uncomfortable to bring something up or scary, but
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: at the same time, what is the other side of it,
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: what's on the opposite end of the spects?
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: Perpetual, never ending being unhappy?
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: You're going to be unhappy if you don't say anything. Yeah,
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: so you're actually.
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: And it feels inauthentic, right, It doesn't feel good.
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: So not trying is choosing failure. It's choosing failure. If
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: you try, at least maybe you'll get something out of
• 19:58
  Speaker 2: it and things will change. But if you don't try,
• 20:01
  Speaker 2: you are just choosing the status quo. And a lot
• 20:06
  Speaker 2: of people say, well, I have tried and it hasn't
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: gone well, then why are you then? Where have your
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: boundaries been?
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: That's boundaries?
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: What have your boundaries been?
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: Boundaries?
• 20:15
  Speaker 2: People look at me like I have three heads.
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: Boundaries and showing up as your best authentic self or
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: go hand in hand.
• 20:20
  Speaker 2: Go hand in hands.
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: And in fact, I don't know if you can show
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: up as your best, true authentic self until you have
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: firm boundaries.
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: And I'll give kind of a vulnerable example from my
• 20:31
  Speaker 2: own marriage. And hopefully Donald loves me enough to be
• 20:36
  Speaker 2: okay with me talking about this. He does. He does
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: not like rap music. He's a music weirdo. Okay, he
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: will listen to like He'm like nineteen fifties like music.
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: Now he's the same way.
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: Yeah, he I mean he's a big Elvis fan. He's
• 20:51
  Speaker 2: a big bluegrass fan. He's you know, like a real country,
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: not like bro country. If it has has a music
• 21:00
  Speaker 2: like drum beat machine, he's out right. It has to
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: be real strings, it has to be real keys, real drums.
• 21:08
  Speaker 2: If you can add a banjo, you're gonna win him over. Okay,
• 21:13
  Speaker 2: he strongly dislikes rap music. I love rap music. Okay.
• 21:19
  Speaker 2: I grew up without a lot of money, without a
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: lot of access to resources and things, and I had
• 21:29
  Speaker 2: a really tight friend group that loved rap music. And
• 21:34
  Speaker 2: you know, we grew up in the nineties.
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: Come on, we grew up in the ninth the best
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: Army time period, the best Army rap time period my
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: opinion ever ever.
• 21:44
  Speaker 2: And I mean, here we are, these little small town
• 21:47
  Speaker 2: girls that loved rap music, and it was just part
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: of the culture of where I grew up, same you know,
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: and so and then that wasn't even in college, Like
• 21:57
  Speaker 2: we'd get ready to rap music and then we'd go
• 21:59
  Speaker 2: to clubs and dance to rap music. And I can
• 22:02
  Speaker 2: appreciate rap as just this beautiful art. Like to me,
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: it's art, and to me, it takes a lot of talent.
• 22:10
  Speaker 2: Like if you don't believe, just go try to memorize
• 22:12
  Speaker 2: some of these rap songs.
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: Just try to. I mean, you can't trying to rap
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: and breathe.
• 22:18
  Speaker 2: And to me, I see, for example, like Kendrick Lamar
• 22:21
  Speaker 2: doing the Super Bowl and I think, like that, to
• 22:24
  Speaker 2: that's talent, Like he's talented person. My husband, on the
• 22:27
  Speaker 2: other hand, he thinks it all says noise, Yeah, what
• 22:30
  Speaker 2: is this noise? I don't like it, but you know
• 22:34
  Speaker 2: that's a matter of personal opinion, right, he just doesn't
• 22:37
  Speaker 2: enjoy it, and that's okay. There's music that I don't
• 22:39
  Speaker 2: like that he likes, right, like that nineteen fifty stuff.
• 22:42
  Speaker 2: I'm like, gosh, turn it. It was like my mom,
• 22:45
  Speaker 2: you know. And but so so I was playing rap
• 22:49
  Speaker 2: the other day and dancing along and stuff, and he's like,
• 22:51
  Speaker 2: I just don't really like that. Like he just was like,
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: you know, I don't like seeing you like rap dirty
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: words or And it's been a Christian and struggle for sure.
• 23:01
  Speaker 2: You know, I've tried to replace a lot of the
• 23:03
  Speaker 2: rap music I listened to with Christian rap. I try
• 23:07
  Speaker 2: to stay away from really vulgar things. I try to,
• 23:11
  Speaker 2: you know, because those the line with my faith beliefs.
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: But I got, I got, you know, a little bit
• 23:17
  Speaker 2: like irked about that. I was like, you know what, babe,
• 23:21
  Speaker 2: I said, I can appreciate that, and you are totally
• 23:24
  Speaker 2: entitled to that opinion. And I respect that that's a
• 23:28
  Speaker 2: side of me that isn't as pleasing to you as
• 23:31
  Speaker 2: the other sides of me. I said, But what I'm
• 23:34
  Speaker 2: not going to do is apologize for something that I
• 23:37
  Speaker 2: love and for who I am, and to feel any
• 23:40
  Speaker 2: shame around enjoying this type of music, because that's something
• 23:44
  Speaker 2: I'm working out with God. That's not something I'm working
• 23:47
  Speaker 2: out with you. And he said, you know what, You're right,
• 23:50
  Speaker 2: and I appreciate that. He's like, you are you are
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: free to be who you are here, baby, And it
• 23:55
  Speaker 2: caused like a momentary of like, but there was this
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: tenseness when I was like, you know, okay, I see that,
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: and I there's sides of you. Do you know that
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: I understand that aren't going to be the most pleasing
• 24:08
  Speaker 2: to me either, because not we don't love one hundred
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: percent about our partners, no matter what right. I mean,
• 24:15
  Speaker 2: we love the great majority. But in that moment, I
• 24:18
  Speaker 2: was really proud of myself for being like because old me,
• 24:22
  Speaker 2: the more people pleasing me would have been like, okay,
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: I'm trying it off, Like you're right, like that's bad music.
• 24:26
  Speaker 2: I shouldn't listen to it. The other part of me.
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: Was like, no, I love this side of me.
• 24:30
  Speaker 2: I love the side of me. It's side of me.
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: I'm going to embrace this. You know.
• 24:34
  Speaker 2: It is a fun side of me. It is a
• 24:36
  Speaker 2: care free side of me. It is a side of
• 24:39
  Speaker 2: me that feels empowered. And I'm not saying that again,
• 24:43
  Speaker 2: Like I like super nasty things, Like there's some things
• 24:46
  Speaker 2: that I'm just like, no, that goes too far.
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but you know.
• 24:49
  Speaker 2: There's if there's some curse words thrown in. There's some
• 24:52
  Speaker 2: cursewords thrown in, and I just try to not allow
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: that to become like my identity and my mindset. I'm
• 24:59
  Speaker 2: here for the beats. Yeah, I'm here for the beat.
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: It's not your identity. It's just it's a nostalgic part
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: of you, right that you like to revisit because it
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: brings back maybe your younger self, And that's really all
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: it is. It doesn't amount to anything else.
• 25:14
  Speaker 2: No, it doesn't. But I was really happy that my husband,
• 25:18
  Speaker 2: like when he thought about it, it took him a minute,
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: like he kind of got quiet. And you know, of course,
• 25:23
  Speaker 2: there's a part of me that's like, oh crap, Yeah,
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: I hurt his feelings or something, yeah, or didn't. But
• 25:27
  Speaker 2: I tried to empathize and say, I understand where you're
• 25:29
  Speaker 2: coming from, and I think it's valid to not love
• 25:31
  Speaker 2: everything about me, and I want to respect that. And
• 25:34
  Speaker 2: so I'm not going to be overtaking the radio with
• 25:37
  Speaker 2: rap music all the time around him, right, That would
• 25:39
  Speaker 2: be rude and disrespectful.
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 25:41
  Speaker 2: We try to agree on music that we both like
• 25:43
  Speaker 2: because we both have a lot of shared music interests.
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: I love bluegrass too, and so we just compromise on that.
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: But also if he if I'm jam into a rap
• 25:52
  Speaker 2: song and he walks in the bedroom, I'm gonna finish
• 25:54
  Speaker 2: the song right right, you know, like oh my gosh,
• 25:57
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry, and like turn it off right now, because
• 25:59
  Speaker 2: that's not showing up off, right, And we had like
• 26:01
  Speaker 2: you said, we don't have to love everything about our partners,
• 26:03
  Speaker 2: but we do have to accept everything about our We like.
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: We mean, parts of them we do we have to.
• 26:10
  Speaker 2: And the things that we cannot accept we should have
• 26:12
  Speaker 2: around boundaries around, right, and we have to say, Okay,
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: if this is so far pushing my boundaries that it's
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: hurting me in the relationship, I have to keep my boundary.
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: We talked about this on the beach. I feel like
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: because I was saying I had mentioned something about you
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: know that I didn't like that Josh was giving himself
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: a hard time in the pictures that we took and
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: that you know, to me, it bothered me because it
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: made me like, when he doesn't show this burly confidence,
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: you know that it made me less attracted to him,
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: and I didn't like that. But I also accept that
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: he is my husband and he's allowed to be vulnerable
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: and insecurity.
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: Yeah, he's I mean, if anybody should know what his
• 26:54
  Speaker 2: insecurities are, it should be you as his wife, and
• 26:57
  Speaker 2: then like love him through those.
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: Right. I'm not going to be like, oh my gosh,
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: you can't you need to be confident twenty four to seven.
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: I mean that's unrealistic absolutely, because I'm not confident in
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: twenty four seven and he loves me through it. So
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: why wouldn't I love it through.
• 27:11
  Speaker 2: Maybe maybe it's because you just have to take thirty four.
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: I know, He's like, I'm like, no again, retake.
• 27:19
  Speaker 2: Okay, nobody on this planet will take more pictures to
• 27:24
  Speaker 2: capture the perfect shot than raina Joy.
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: Butusher, I'm sorry.
• 27:28
  Speaker 2: Even at some point even I'm like, Okay, it is
• 27:30
  Speaker 2: what it is, baby girl, Like the lighting sucks, it's
• 27:33
  Speaker 2: not going to change, Like it's time to give it
• 27:35
  Speaker 2: again again, again, again again. I swear I counted the
• 27:39
  Speaker 2: one that we did outside the restaurant, like ten.
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I have like fifteen in my phone, and I'm like.
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: They all look the same, Like, what did we accomplish
• 27:47
  Speaker 2: by taking ten versions of the same picture? No, it's
• 27:51
  Speaker 2: do you even.
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: Take a lot of pictures on vacation?
• 27:53
  Speaker 2: You had two and I think I had two of
• 27:56
  Speaker 2: each other.
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: Yeah, we just took a bunch with our husbands.
• 27:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah, just nuts to sign. But I think the main
• 28:02
  Speaker 2: point of this episode is if you feel like you
• 28:06
  Speaker 2: have to suppress parts of yourself or you have to,
• 28:12
  Speaker 2: you know, change who you are around your partner to
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: be more of what they want you to be, You're
• 28:18
  Speaker 2: probably in the wrong relationship. But I also do say,
• 28:20
  Speaker 2: the best version of your most authentic self. And so
• 28:24
  Speaker 2: we have people that also try to want to skirt accountability,
• 28:28
  Speaker 2: like maybe they're a very very reactive person and they
• 28:31
  Speaker 2: go from zero to sixty in like two point five seconds.
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you can't use Well, I'm just shown up as much.
• 28:36
  Speaker 2: I'm just passionate. I'm just a really passionate person, and
• 28:39
  Speaker 2: that's who I am. Know that you're being emotionally abusive,
• 28:42
  Speaker 2: you're being verbally abusive to your partner. That's not the
• 28:44
  Speaker 2: best version of who you are. You can communicate those
• 28:48
  Speaker 2: same things in a more respectful way, and that's still
• 28:51
  Speaker 2: authentic because your message is still the same. That's right,
• 28:53
  Speaker 2: it's just not surrounded by f bombs. Right, I love it.
• 28:58
  Speaker 2: I'm just passionate. I'm just really passionate. No, you're not.
• 29:02
  Speaker 2: You're just regulated and you're being verbally abusive.
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Even the tone, you know, the tone of your
• 29:08
  Speaker 1: voice matters so much for sure, trying to express something.
• 29:12
  Speaker 2: So bottom line, you have to show up as the
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: best version of your most authentic self. That will lead
• 29:16
  Speaker 2: to the most happiness. It is the most regulating thing
• 29:19
  Speaker 2: to the nervous system to be authentic. And so if
• 29:22
  Speaker 2: you are in a relationship where you cannot be you
• 29:25
  Speaker 2: need to be having some really strong boundaries and or
• 29:27
  Speaker 2: considering the ultimate boundary of leaving that relationship.
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: That's right. So if you want to learn more about
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: showing up as your best authentic self, right, we emphasize
• 29:38
  Speaker 1: that for a reason.
• 29:39
  Speaker 2: For a reason, you're not just passionate right.
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: Your best authentic self, because showing up authentic doesn't always
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: mean that you're showing up as your best version.
• 29:47
  Speaker 2: Right. You can still be authentic without being destructive.
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: Right, exactly, So if you want, if you're struggling, right,
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: if you're struggling feeling like you're showing up as your
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: authentic self, then doctor Hensley can help absolutely. Her hybrid
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: group coaching program. Of course, we call it the fast
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: Track to Healing is available. Let's see, we've got a
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: couple groups coming up. A coach, Elizabeth has a couple groups.
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: So please go to the dating dcoder dot com. Check
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: out those services we are I don't know our listeners
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: get a promo code love dot twenty seven. If you
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: use that.
• 30:22
  Speaker 2: Code love twenty seven, is it not? Is it love
• 30:24
  Speaker 2: doc twenty s?
• 30:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's Love doc twenty seven. I know our promo codes.
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: It's hard to keep them straight.
• 30:29
  Speaker 2: Guys have so many. I know we have to go
• 30:31
  Speaker 2: to for different specials, and I lose them in my head.
• 30:33
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry. I love that twenty seven.
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: I have a pretty good grasp on them, but I
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: create them, so that's why it's a little bit easier
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: for me. But love doc twenty seven for all of
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• 30:49
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• 30:50
  Speaker 2: Okay, buck sense?
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so go check out doctor Hinsley services at the
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: Dating Dycoder dot com soon to be the lovedoc dot com.
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: Of course, check out her one on ones there coach
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: Elizabeth's one on ones. We are about to launch the
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: new website, so probably when this airs, fingers.
• 31:07
  Speaker 2: Will be thelovedoc dot com.
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: Fingers crossed, we will be the lovedoc dot com. So
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: go check out her services.
• 31:14
  Speaker 2: And please join my clients and community group on Facebook.
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: Yes, that's a big one.
• 31:17
  Speaker 2: If you are on Facebook. I have a free group
• 31:20
  Speaker 2: where I give lots of advice. I answer people's questions
• 31:24
  Speaker 2: and comments, and there is a huge community of people
• 31:27
  Speaker 2: that are down the whole of attachment theory and have
• 31:30
  Speaker 2: earned their security. People that have gone through my program
• 31:33
  Speaker 2: are still on there, and then they're volunteering their time
• 31:35
  Speaker 2: to help other people, like with their new perspective.
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: That's the thing that I've noticed the most about that
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: group is just the chiming in from all the people
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: in the group that really are just willing to help
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: people and give people advice and listen, guys, healing is
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: not available to do on your own. It's healing happens
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: through community, it does.
• 31:54
  Speaker 2: It really, really.
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: Healing happens through group. And it's another reason why the
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: hybrid group coaching program is so awesome because it has
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: that added layer of community and group where you have
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: these people, You're surrounded by these people that are going
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: through similar situations.
• 32:11
  Speaker 2: And you can remain totally anonymous.
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: Yeah in the group.
• 32:13
  Speaker 2: Nobody has to know who you are at all to
• 32:15
  Speaker 2: participate fully.
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: In the group.
• 32:17
  Speaker 2: But we encourage you, know, you encourage you to make friends.
• 32:20
  Speaker 2: But some people don't. Some people are just they stay
• 32:23
  Speaker 2: the black screen and that's who they want to be
• 32:24
  Speaker 2: and that's okay.
• 32:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah, So ultimately, of course that's up to you and
• 32:28
  Speaker 1: how comfortable you feel. But anyway, So please guys, continue
• 32:32
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• 32:40
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• 32:52
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• 32:57
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• 33:00
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• 33:02
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• 33:04
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• 33:09
  Speaker 1: next time, peace, love, and perspective.