Latest / Beautifully Complex / 340: Finding the Balance Between Supporting & Enabling, with Cindy Goldrich, Ed.M., ADHD-CCSP

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340: Finding the Balance Between Supporting & Enabling, with Cindy Goldrich, Ed.M., ADHD-CCSP · Beautifully Complex

0:01
Speaker 1: I might say to my child, Hey, you know what,
0:04
Speaker 1: I'm bringing in your violin again, or I brought your
0:06
Speaker 1: violin in again. We're going to have to work on
0:09
Speaker 1: that so that they is not acknowledging with the child, Hey,
0:13
Speaker 1: I'm doing something for you that maybe I shouldn't be
0:15
Speaker 1: doing all the time. But don't worry. No, we're going
0:19
Speaker 1: to figure that out. So enabling is doing something for
0:22
Speaker 1: someone else without a plan to help them do it
0:25
Speaker 1: for themselves.
0:28
Speaker 2: Welcome to Beautifully Complex, where we unpack what it really
0:31
Speaker 2: means to parent neurodivergent kids with dignity and clarity. I'm
0:36
Speaker 2: Penny Williams, and I know firsthand how tough and transformative
0:40
Speaker 2: this journey can be. Let's dive in and discover how
0:43
Speaker 2: to raise regulated, resilient, beautifully complex kids together. Oh and
0:48
Speaker 2: if you want more support, join our free community at
0:52
Speaker 2: hub dot beautifully complex dot life. Welcome back everyone. I
1:00
Speaker 2: am really excited today to have Cindy Goldrich with me
1:04
Speaker 2: to talk about supporting versus enabling our neurodiversion kids and students.
1:11
Speaker 2: Where is that line? How do we find that line?
1:15
Speaker 2: In my own experience, that line keeps moving, so it's
1:18
Speaker 2: always the sudjustment right, but we have some data that
1:23
Speaker 2: can help us with how much do we help, where
1:28
Speaker 2: do we pull back, and those sort of things, and
1:30
Speaker 2: so we're going to really dive into that with Cindy's
1:32
Speaker 2: expertise today. Will you go ahead and introduce yourself, Sindy
1:36
Speaker 2: for everybody who doesn't know you yet, who you are
1:39
Speaker 2: and what you do.
1:41
Speaker 1: Well, thanks first of all Panny for having me. It's
1:43
Speaker 1: been so many years that we've crosspaths and known each
1:45
Speaker 1: other and it's great to sit here with you. So
1:49
Speaker 1: I come to this work as a parent coach. I
1:53
Speaker 1: was originally a mental health counselor, and I found that
1:56
Speaker 1: in the world of kids with ADHD and other neurodivergent issues,
2:02
Speaker 1: we really need to understand the kid. We really need
2:05
Speaker 1: to understand the social and emotional impact that ADHD and
2:09
Speaker 1: executive function challenges and learning challenges have on learning, motivation, behavior,
2:16
Speaker 1: and the whole family system. So I went about developing
2:20
Speaker 1: my own kind of philosophy and program on putting parents
2:24
Speaker 1: at the center of the work. I've been coaching parents
2:28
Speaker 1: for over fifteen years, and then about ten years ago,
2:31
Speaker 1: professionals starts saying wow, I keep hearing from my clients
2:34
Speaker 1: and patients, You've been really effective. I want to do
2:37
Speaker 1: this work. So I actually trained people around the world
2:41
Speaker 1: to be parent coaches. And then I found, as you know,
2:45
Speaker 1: you know, my parents were going into the schools and saying, wow,
2:48
Speaker 1: you know, this is what's going on with my kid,
2:51
Speaker 1: and the teachers didn't know what the teachers didn't know, right,
2:54
Speaker 1: I have a loo with the teacher today saying like,
2:57
Speaker 1: I need more tools, I need more knowledge. So about
2:59
Speaker 1: ten years ago I started my ADHD Teacher Trainer Academy
3:04
Speaker 1: where I go into school districts where teachers come to
3:07
Speaker 1: our courses to learn how to work with these kids
3:10
Speaker 1: in the classroom. Because, as you know, most these kids
3:13
Speaker 1: are in the general education system. They may be getting
3:16
Speaker 1: additional services, but their mainstream so we need the jen
3:22
Speaker 1: ED teachers to understand these kids on a deeper level.
3:25
Speaker 1: So that's the work I do. I got my books,
3:27
Speaker 1: which I'm excited to say. My Akey's book is now
3:30
Speaker 1: in a second edition. It's much more expanded, and we
3:34
Speaker 1: talked about that a little bit, but that's coming out
3:37
Speaker 1: February seventeenth, twenty twenty five.
3:40
Speaker 2: Twenty twenty six, twenty six, or are we going out
3:43
Speaker 2: a twenty twenty six very exciting? Yeah, amazing. Yes, And
3:48
Speaker 2: that teacher training is so needed. And I'm so happy
3:51
Speaker 2: that you said they don't know what they don't know,
3:54
Speaker 2: because they really just don't know. It's not that they
3:56
Speaker 2: don't care, they just don't know. They don't have to
3:58
Speaker 2: get trained, right.
4:01
Speaker 1: Absolutely. I mean when I when I meet teachers today,
4:03
Speaker 1: I usually say thank you for your service. And my daughter,
4:06
Speaker 1: in honesty, is a specialized teacher. She's been doing here
4:09
Speaker 1: for ten years. She took my training ten years ago.
4:12
Speaker 1: Said Ma, I didn't learn this even in graduate school.
4:15
Speaker 2: Yeah.
4:15
Speaker 1: You know, the teachers are good people, like they need support,
4:19
Speaker 1: our training and everything else.
4:21
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, one hundred percent. And I think so many
4:24
Speaker 2: of our kids struggle in such huge way, as my
4:27
Speaker 2: own kid included in school with just not being understood,
4:31
Speaker 2: just people not getting it, especially twice exceptionality that was
4:34
Speaker 2: really really tough. Yeah. Yeah, So let's talk about supporting
4:39
Speaker 2: versus enabling. Okay, what is the difference. Let's define what
4:44
Speaker 2: we mean by each term.
4:46
Speaker 1: First, absolutely, Well, you know, when I'm with a group
4:50
Speaker 1: of people, I usually start off this way. Penny, I say,
4:53
Speaker 1: what do you think of when you think of enabling,
4:56
Speaker 1: not what should we do instead? But give me exam
5:00
Speaker 1: and I'll give you one. I'll start us off an
5:02
Speaker 1: example of enabling someone, Right, I would say, one example is,
5:07
Speaker 1: come on, you know what two plus two is? You
5:09
Speaker 1: know it's four, right, enabling? Can you think of out
5:13
Speaker 1: the examples? I can give you plenty, but can you
5:14
Speaker 1: think of other examples of enabling someone?
5:18
Speaker 2: Yeah? A big one for me was always cleaning up
5:20
Speaker 2: after my kids and never you know, asking them to
5:24
Speaker 2: come back and take care of things. I had to
5:26
Speaker 2: learn the hard way that I wasn't doing them a service.
5:28
Speaker 2: It was saving me time and energy, but I wasn't
5:32
Speaker 2: teaching them any skills, right, So yeah.
5:34
Speaker 1: So that's a great example. Another example I would say
5:38
Speaker 1: is maybe blaming someone else. You know, well, if the
5:41
Speaker 1: teachers didn't give so much homeworker, she had better trains,
5:44
Speaker 1: she knew and all that may be true, but it's
5:47
Speaker 1: taking the focus away from you know, the child. So
5:52
Speaker 1: enabling is you know, when we're doing it for the
5:55
Speaker 1: other kid, where we're making excuses were where you know
5:59
Speaker 1: all these but let's see what really happens. Because you know,
6:04
Speaker 1: Johnny forgot his violin and it's the fourth time this month,
6:08
Speaker 1: and what does the wonderful parent do?
6:10
Speaker 2: Takes it to the school.
6:12
Speaker 1: Exactly, But let's see what happened behind the scenes. See,
6:16
Speaker 1: Johnny's a good kid, and Johnny knows that, you know,
6:20
Speaker 1: he's got to finish all his homework before he can
6:22
Speaker 1: practice his violin. That's what his parents told him. So
6:25
Speaker 1: of course getting his homework done took him forever, right,
6:29
Speaker 1: he didn't want to disturb anyone. He went downstairs to
6:31
Speaker 1: the basement. He's practicing his violin. His parents call down, Johnny,
6:35
Speaker 1: time to get ready for bed. You know you'll pack
6:37
Speaker 1: up after, but go take your shower, you know, start
6:39
Speaker 1: getting ready. So Johnny goes upstairs. He does it. Next day,
6:43
Speaker 1: he rolls around. Parent goes downstairs, sees the violin. What
6:47
Speaker 1: do I do if I bring it in again? Those
6:50
Speaker 1: teachers are gonna look at me and say, when is
6:52
Speaker 1: this kid gonna learn? When are these parents gonna learn?
6:55
Speaker 1: They're just enabling, right, But I'm so proud of Johnny.
6:59
Speaker 1: I mean, he made bus today and okay, he's still
7:02
Speaker 1: fighting with his sister, but I've got that on that
7:04
Speaker 1: list of things we need to work on. And his
7:07
Speaker 1: room is a mess yep. I gotta work on that.
7:09
Speaker 1: But you know, I don't want to punish him by
7:12
Speaker 1: having him not be in orchestra today, right and get
7:16
Speaker 1: in trouble. So I'm going to bring the violin. So,
7:18
Speaker 1: by the way, Penny, what I tell teachers say, say
7:21
Speaker 1: if that's happening, say to parent, hey, I notice that
7:25
Speaker 1: you're bringing in the violin, And again, is there anything
7:27
Speaker 1: I could do to help, because maybe they might have
7:30
Speaker 1: some support. But let's get back to Johnny. So parent
7:34
Speaker 1: has it on their list. I'm going to help Johnny
7:38
Speaker 1: learn how to pack up and remember his things. And
7:41
Speaker 1: as a coach, I've got lots of different ways I
7:43
Speaker 1: can help the parents solve that issue. But the issue
7:46
Speaker 1: in the moment is I want the parent to have
7:48
Speaker 1: grace for themselves to understand that, you know what, maybe
7:53
Speaker 1: I wasn't enabling. Maybe I was supporting in the moment.
7:57
Speaker 1: So here's my definition of enabling. My definition of enabling,
8:01
Speaker 1: I'll say it twice, is I know I want parents
8:03
Speaker 1: to really hear it, and then I'll say it again.
8:06
Speaker 2: Absorb it. Yeah.
8:07
Speaker 1: Yeah, So enabling is doing something for someone else without
8:12
Speaker 1: a plan to help them do it for themselves. The
8:16
Speaker 1: parent has a plan. The plan right now is I'm
8:18
Speaker 1: going to put it on that list. But I've got
8:19
Speaker 1: bigger fish to fry. These are more important items for
8:22
Speaker 1: right now. So for right now, I might be bringing
8:25
Speaker 1: in the violin. I might say to my child, Hey,
8:29
Speaker 1: you know what, I'm bringing in your violin again, or
8:31
Speaker 1: I brought your violin in again. We're going to have
8:34
Speaker 1: to work on that. So the dilease I'm acknowledging with
8:37
Speaker 1: the child, Hey, I'm doing something for you that maybe
8:40
Speaker 1: I shouldn't be doing all the time. But don't worry.
8:44
Speaker 1: You know, we're going to figure that out. So enabling
8:47
Speaker 1: is doing something for someone else without a plan to
8:50
Speaker 1: help them do it for themselves.
8:53
Speaker 2: I love that, Yeah, because it gives us permission to support.
8:57
Speaker 2: Then I feel like.
8:58
Speaker 1: You know, it's really hard. One of my big philosophies
9:02
Speaker 1: is parent the child you have, not the child you
9:05
Speaker 1: thought you'd have, not the child you wish you'd have,
9:07
Speaker 1: not the child you'd have if society got its way right.
9:11
Speaker 1: But that child you're blessed with, and you are the
9:13
Speaker 1: one that know if you're enabling or supporting, So give
9:18
Speaker 1: yourself a little grace, don't worry that the outside world
9:20
Speaker 1: is say, oh, I can't believe you're bringing in that
9:22
Speaker 1: violin and again you know what you're doing.
9:25
Speaker 2: Yeah, I love that because it does give us permission
9:29
Speaker 2: to follow our gut to you know, we question, am
9:33
Speaker 2: I enabling? Are people judging? We question all these things,
9:36
Speaker 2: But if we really listen to our internal parental sense
9:40
Speaker 2: and our gut, we know, just as you listened a
9:44
Speaker 2: minute ago, Well, you know, he did these three things
9:47
Speaker 2: really well, and that was amazing. We've been working on
9:50
Speaker 2: these things and we're making progress. So I'm going to
9:53
Speaker 2: support in this other way because we can't get everything
9:57
Speaker 2: perfect all at once. We can't get everything perfect at
10:00
Speaker 2: all ever, because we're human beings. But you know, we
10:04
Speaker 2: can't change everything at once. And I just want to
10:08
Speaker 2: acknowledge that that's our instinct as a parent. It was
10:11
Speaker 2: definitely my instinct. I'm a type a fixer. I just
10:15
Speaker 2: want to talk about it. I want to problem solve it.
10:18
Speaker 2: I want to get on with it in a way
10:20
Speaker 2: that is helpful and loving and caring. Right, And what
10:24
Speaker 2: I was doing, though was doing everything for and being overprotective,
10:30
Speaker 2: and that doesn't help. But in the way that you've
10:33
Speaker 2: just illustrated it. It's not being overprotective because you're working
10:37
Speaker 2: on a lot of things. You're working on building skills,
10:40
Speaker 2: but you're helping the kid to feel accomplished, I think,
10:44
Speaker 2: and that is really really important when they're getting so
10:47
Speaker 2: much negative messaging.
10:48
Speaker 1: Right, And the other thing that you're doing is you're
10:50
Speaker 1: prioritizing because we can't fix everything at once, we just can't.
10:56
Speaker 1: It creates too much anxiety, too much pressure, too much
10:59
Speaker 1: focus on what's wrong and not what's right. I'm going
11:03
Speaker 1: to pick up on that for now.
11:07
Speaker 2: Yeah, So can we talk a little bit about or
11:10
Speaker 2: illustrate what support really means? What does that look like
11:18
Speaker 2: in kind of an everyday scenario, especially when so many
11:22
Speaker 2: of our kids have executive function challenges, because that's often
11:26
Speaker 2: where they need the most support. I think, what can
11:29
Speaker 2: that look like?
11:30
Speaker 1: Well, the first thing I think we need to do
11:33
Speaker 1: is understand the child. And that's why I always start
11:36
Speaker 1: with a good, solid social emotional education with the parents.
11:41
Speaker 1: A lot of parents come to me and they say,
11:42
Speaker 1: I already understand ADHD, I know what executive function challenges are,
11:46
Speaker 1: but when I scratch the surface a little bit, I
11:49
Speaker 1: recognize and they recognize that there's more that they need
11:52
Speaker 1: to learn, things like processing speed and working memory initiation
11:57
Speaker 1: and all of that, and emotional regulations. So we really
12:00
Speaker 1: want to know that child right, because as I said before, parents,
12:04
Speaker 1: the child who have they're all different from each other.
12:07
Speaker 1: So before I start building on all those strategies, I
12:12
Speaker 1: want to help them be able to look at their
12:14
Speaker 1: child and recognize, oh, maybe it's their processing speed that's
12:18
Speaker 1: slow in the moment and that's the reason that they're
12:22
Speaker 1: getting overwhelmed and everything else. Maybe it's not because of
12:25
Speaker 1: you know whatever else. The strategies build from that. So
12:30
Speaker 1: as we build that foundation of understanding our child them,
12:34
Speaker 1: we're able to say, okay, So for example, let's say
12:37
Speaker 1: working memory. Right, there's three kinds of memory. Right. We've
12:41
Speaker 1: got short term memory, I need juice, eggs and milk.
12:44
Speaker 1: I've got long term memory. You know your childhood phone number,
12:47
Speaker 1: or you know something that is so grounded in you
12:51
Speaker 1: it's muscle memory. But then that working memory piece of
12:55
Speaker 1: integrating the information you're getting with what you already know.
12:59
Speaker 1: Think about you know, if you're going to do a
13:01
Speaker 1: long division problem, right, you would think about how to
13:04
Speaker 1: do the problem, and then you get the numbers and
13:06
Speaker 1: you would know how to do that. Right. That's your
13:09
Speaker 1: working memory, which is so important for so many aspects.
13:12
Speaker 1: I mean, we could spend a whole hour talking about
13:14
Speaker 1: working memory. But once I recognize, hey, my kids struggling
13:19
Speaker 1: with working memory, then the strategies build from there. I
13:23
Speaker 1: can chunk it. I can give them one or two
13:25
Speaker 1: things to do at a time rather than five things.
13:28
Speaker 1: I can give a visual chart, right with pictures of
13:32
Speaker 1: everything if they're a young kid, or maybe a list
13:34
Speaker 1: if they're an older kid. I can have them repeat
13:36
Speaker 1: it back to me. I can have mnemonic devices. All
13:40
Speaker 1: of these things can build from there. I mean that's
13:42
Speaker 1: almost the easy part of figuring out the strategies that
13:46
Speaker 1: can work. The thing is we need to know what
13:49
Speaker 1: we're solving for. We're problem we're solving for, and that
13:53
Speaker 1: comes with the understanding.
13:55
Speaker 2: Yeah and really digging deep, really thinking about what are
13:59
Speaker 2: all the things that might be going on in this
14:02
Speaker 2: situation that are a hurdle for my kid. And sometimes
14:05
Speaker 2: it's more than one thing. Our kids are super complex,
14:08
Speaker 2: so often there's several things there. A big one for
14:12
Speaker 2: us and my own kid was time blindness. When I
14:15
Speaker 2: finally learned about time blindness. I was like, oh my gosh,
14:18
Speaker 2: so much makes sense and now I know how to help,
14:21
Speaker 2: right whereas before I didn't know how to help because
14:24
Speaker 2: I didn't understand what was going on. So it's so
14:27
Speaker 2: valuable to really dig deep with that. And I know too,
14:43
Speaker 2: like in my own experience with my own kid, learning
14:46
Speaker 2: about the fact that ADHD is a developmental delay and
14:52
Speaker 2: that some skills and maturity and things like that can
14:56
Speaker 2: be several years behind his calendar.
15:00
Speaker 1: Age absolutely really.
15:02
Speaker 2: Turned the tide for us, really made a huge difference.
15:06
Speaker 2: How do parents sort of figure that out? How do
15:09
Speaker 2: they figure out and let's talk about the asynchronous characteristic
15:14
Speaker 2: of this also that you know in one area, like
15:17
Speaker 2: for my own kid, you know, in verbal fluency it
15:20
Speaker 2: was like ten years advanced, but an organization he was
15:24
Speaker 2: like five years or more behind, So it can be
15:27
Speaker 2: very different. Do you want to share a little more
15:30
Speaker 2: about that and how parents can navigate that.
15:33
Speaker 1: Well, you brought up something so important that so many
15:36
Speaker 1: parents don't really understand or know, which is that when
15:40
Speaker 1: you've got ADHD, you could be up to thirty percent
15:43
Speaker 1: delaid in developing your executive function skills. So we all
15:47
Speaker 1: have executive function skills, right, but they develop at different rates,
15:51
Speaker 1: So kids who have challenges because it's all the same
15:53
Speaker 1: part of the brain, right, it's all in the prefrontal cortex,
15:56
Speaker 1: so that part of the brain is developing, but it's
15:59
Speaker 1: developing more slowly. So that may be why. You know,
16:03
Speaker 1: you've got this brilliant kid who's ten years old but
16:06
Speaker 1: can't seem to back up his backpack, Like, what's that about?
16:10
Speaker 1: Because that has to do with his executive functioning, not
16:13
Speaker 1: his intelligence. The huge population of what we name twice
16:17
Speaker 1: exceptional to e right, where you've got the high intellect,
16:20
Speaker 1: but you've got the lower you know, executive function challenges
16:24
Speaker 1: or whatever else may be going on. Right, We've got
16:27
Speaker 1: that you know, thirty percent two to three year lag whatever,
16:30
Speaker 1: and things like impulsive control and working memory task initiation,
16:34
Speaker 1: all of those different things. So what ends up looking
16:38
Speaker 1: like behavior problem. Why isn't my kid listening to me?
16:42
Speaker 1: Is actually not defiance. It's a lag in their executive
16:47
Speaker 1: function development. So it's not the same as well, you're
16:52
Speaker 1: able to do all this math, you know, why can't
16:55
Speaker 1: you do that? And that's why you know, in my
16:59
Speaker 1: training and my connected workshops series with parents, we start
17:02
Speaker 1: off with Colm, right, because without com we know there's
17:05
Speaker 1: no learning right, and we need to have that relationship
17:09
Speaker 1: built on trust and communication and all of that. But
17:12
Speaker 1: then we're able to build on how are we going
17:15
Speaker 1: to deal with some of these defiant behaviors. Well, we're
17:17
Speaker 1: going to deal with it by understanding it and helping
17:21
Speaker 1: build skills for the child. And one of the greatest
17:25
Speaker 1: skills is going to be self advocacy and awareness so
17:29
Speaker 1: that they are not caught in their own wheel of frustration.
17:33
Speaker 1: They're able to communicate with us, and we're able to
17:36
Speaker 1: meet them and help them problem solve.
17:38
Speaker 2: Yeah, it gets some unstuck when they can advocate, they
17:42
Speaker 2: can look for something different and get the support that
17:45
Speaker 2: they need. You said, why isn't my kid listening to me?
17:50
Speaker 2: And it reminded me that we really need to shift
17:54
Speaker 2: the language that we use to describe what is going
17:58
Speaker 2: on with our kids, and not just in front of them,
18:03
Speaker 2: but internally as well.
18:05
Speaker 1: Right.
18:06
Speaker 2: I know I did a lot of work on that
18:08
Speaker 2: early on myself as a parent and really to not
18:12
Speaker 2: judge the behavior even if it was in my own head.
18:15
Speaker 2: And then that helps to lead us to asking, Okay,
18:19
Speaker 2: what is it that's going on. What is the developmental delay?
18:21
Speaker 2: What is the executive function skill that's lagging? What other
18:26
Speaker 2: sort of language shifts or reframes do you find that
18:31
Speaker 2: are really valuable for parents are really powerful.
18:34
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I love what you pointed out, because what
18:37
Speaker 1: it's really saying is, you know, be curious, because you know,
18:41
Speaker 1: if you say your kid, hey, do me a favorite
18:43
Speaker 1: golpstairs to get your backpack, your shoes, get tennis tracked
18:45
Speaker 1: on the way downstairs, could you grab my water boon?
18:47
Speaker 1: And see if I shut my lad off? And I
18:50
Speaker 1: know this from experience. What's the emotions so many of
18:52
Speaker 1: the parents are feeling right now, thanks like oh my
18:55
Speaker 1: kid never comes down with all those things, and oh
18:57
Speaker 1: my god. But now if we understand that we're working
19:00
Speaker 1: memory is a thing, and that maybe as a week
19:02
Speaker 1: of working memory, now I go into problem solving mode, Hey,
19:06
Speaker 1: how can I help them with that? And as we
19:08
Speaker 1: said before, you know charts things like that. So I
19:11
Speaker 1: would say, in terms of the language, the internal conversation
19:15
Speaker 1: that I, as a parent think is important to have
19:18
Speaker 1: is the curiosity and also recognizing that what you pay
19:23
Speaker 1: attention to grows. If I am only paying attention to
19:28
Speaker 1: the challenges, the things that are going wrong, the things
19:31
Speaker 1: that are bringing me such anxiety, and all the things
19:33
Speaker 1: I need to fix. I'm not paying attention to. Wow,
19:37
Speaker 1: look at the magnificent kid I have. That's why my
19:39
Speaker 1: workshop starts off with, Okay, we've got all these challenges,
19:43
Speaker 1: but tell me something wonderful about your kid. Right what
19:46
Speaker 1: you pay attention to grows. Pay attention to that other
19:50
Speaker 1: stuff too, and say that stuff out loud. One of
19:54
Speaker 1: the greatest hacks I have is, you know, I talk
19:57
Speaker 1: to parents about praise and what that should look like.
20:00
Speaker 1: And my formula praise is notice, name and nurture. Notice
20:05
Speaker 1: something positive that they're doing. Name what you're seeing so
20:09
Speaker 1: they know what you're noticing, and then say something warm
20:13
Speaker 1: about what that is. But if you could start off
20:16
Speaker 1: each day have ten I don't care whether it's rubber
20:20
Speaker 1: bands or cute little bracelets, or ten pebbles in your
20:24
Speaker 1: pocket or if there you can still find pennies, ten
20:27
Speaker 1: pennies in your pocket, or if they're collector items now,
20:31
Speaker 1: but every time you praise your child, put it on
20:34
Speaker 1: the right side. And every time you need to correct them,
20:38
Speaker 1: because you will even if you're saying it nicely and
20:39
Speaker 1: appropriately put it back on the left side. At the
20:43
Speaker 1: end of the day, your job is to make sure
20:47
Speaker 1: that they're hearing a lot more praise than correction. What
20:51
Speaker 1: you pay attention to gross and then think of all
20:53
Speaker 1: the different corrections that they're giving themselves that they're hearing
20:57
Speaker 1: from other people, well meaning people in their world. Right,
21:00
Speaker 1: So that would be the other thing I would say, Yeah,
21:03
Speaker 1: really noticing what you're focusing on internally, so that you're
21:08
Speaker 1: putting it out there to them, so that they're seeing it,
21:11
Speaker 1: because you're really a merit to who they are. When
21:13
Speaker 1: you're going like this, even if you're doing it because oh,
21:16
Speaker 1: I forgot to pick up the laundry or forgot to
21:19
Speaker 1: put the laundry in the dryer, what they're seeing is, oh,
21:21
Speaker 1: what did I do wrong?
21:22
Speaker 2: Yep. Yeah, it's so hard. It's so hard to balance
21:26
Speaker 2: that too. One of my favorite quotes is that the
21:29
Speaker 2: things we say to our kids become their internal dialogue,
21:32
Speaker 2: their internal monologue. And it's so true, and sometimes we
21:36
Speaker 2: really need to remind ourselves of that that in the
21:39
Speaker 2: absence of information, they're going to make up a story
21:41
Speaker 2: about it. So if you're nodding your head and you
21:44
Speaker 2: don't tell them why, they're probably going to think it's
21:47
Speaker 2: about them, right, And I love the tangible way of
21:51
Speaker 2: balancing the positive and the negative like that, because we
21:54
Speaker 2: are wired to focus more on the negative to protect ourselves.
21:59
Speaker 2: That's the way our bodies, our nervous system is wired.
22:02
Speaker 2: So we have to work extra hard at noticing those positives.
22:08
Speaker 2: Noticing I call them micro winds. Like if we can
22:11
Speaker 2: just notice a couple of micro winds every day, we're building, right,
22:16
Speaker 2: We're building that positivity, and we're making sure that our
22:20
Speaker 2: kid hears them too. One thing I did when my
22:23
Speaker 2: son was young enough to tuck in. He's twenty three now,
22:25
Speaker 2: so he doesn't let me tuck him in anymore. Sadly, no,
22:28
Speaker 2: But every night I would say to him, I like
22:31
Speaker 2: the way you blink today. And it could be something
22:35
Speaker 2: so tiny, it didn't really matter what it was. It
22:39
Speaker 2: was that I was noticing something positive. He was ending
22:42
Speaker 2: his day on a positive notice. He fell asleep, and
22:45
Speaker 2: I was reminding myself that, yes, it's really hard, but
22:49
Speaker 2: there's good stuff in here too, And it made such
22:52
Speaker 2: a huge difference. So it's one little phrase that we
22:55
Speaker 2: made a ritual out of for years. It's so so important.
23:00
Speaker 2: So what else do we need to talk about? We
23:02
Speaker 2: have just a few minutes left. What else do parents
23:05
Speaker 2: need to know about coaching their kids, about supporting their kids,
23:09
Speaker 2: about how we need to maybe be the ones who
23:12
Speaker 2: are shifting what those shifts look like for parents and
23:15
Speaker 2: for educators. I know there's a lot more than a
23:19
Speaker 2: few minutes worth, But what's super priority here?
23:23
Speaker 1: Take some pressure off yourself. If you think that you
23:26
Speaker 1: can fix your kid, you're not fixing them. Your kid
23:29
Speaker 1: was born exactly who they're supposed to be. Yes, your
23:33
Speaker 1: job is to help them flourish. This is not about
23:37
Speaker 1: making them less, shy, less this less this. This is
23:40
Speaker 1: about connecting with the exact person that they came into
23:43
Speaker 1: this earth being, because there's a reason they are that way,
23:48
Speaker 1: and that's what's going to unfold. You know, the cover
23:50
Speaker 1: of my book is a cactus flower, and that's because
23:54
Speaker 1: my philosophy is these kids, you know, they're not like
23:59
Speaker 1: clay that you can just gently sort of you know,
24:01
Speaker 1: you kind of muld them a little bit and they'll
24:03
Speaker 1: go the way you want them. These kids are like
24:05
Speaker 1: cactus flowers. If you've ever seen a cactus, you know,
24:07
Speaker 1: it's prickly on the outside. You can't pressure to grow.
24:11
Speaker 1: You can't. It's even sometimes kind of hard to touch.
24:14
Speaker 1: But when you see that flower, it's gorgeous. Who they
24:18
Speaker 1: are inside is beautiful. You know. Let them develop, give
24:23
Speaker 1: them the support that they need, right, but don't think
24:26
Speaker 1: you need to fix them or change them. You just
24:29
Speaker 1: need to bond with them and connect with who they are.
24:31
Speaker 2: I'm so glad you said that. Yeah, because we do
24:35
Speaker 2: go into fix it mode. It's just I think the
24:37
Speaker 2: way we're wired because we love our kids so much
24:40
Speaker 2: and we want them to not struggle. But they are
24:42
Speaker 2: who they are and that can be wonderful. It can
24:45
Speaker 2: absolutely be wonderful. We just have to help them figure
24:48
Speaker 2: out how to navigate this world in a way that
24:50
Speaker 2: works for them. Yeah. So, Cindy, tell everybody where they
24:54
Speaker 2: can find you online, how they can learn more from you,
24:58
Speaker 2: all of that good stuff.
25:00
Speaker 1: Absolutely so. My website is PTS Coaching and that stands
25:05
Speaker 1: for Pathways to Success PTS Coaching. You can email me.
25:10
Speaker 1: I'm very responsive. You can email cindyatptscoaching dot com and
25:15
Speaker 1: I do have a special gift for your listeners. If
25:18
Speaker 1: you go to ptscoaching dot Com backslash beautifully complex you
25:24
Speaker 1: can be able to download. I have some free gifts
25:28
Speaker 1: for you. I have a Parentwheel and a student Wheel,
25:30
Speaker 1: which are really good tools to understand where you are
25:33
Speaker 1: in your journey and the work you want to start
25:36
Speaker 1: doing and helping your child understand where they are in
25:39
Speaker 1: their journey. And also you can get the first chapter
25:43
Speaker 1: of my book Akeys for Parenting Kids and Teens with ADHD.
25:47
Speaker 1: You can download the first chapter for free, and if
25:50
Speaker 1: you are listening to this before February seventeen, twenty twenty six,
25:56
Speaker 1: my publisher, Norton Publishers, is offering twenty percent off and
26:00
Speaker 1: free shipping for the book, so you can get that
26:03
Speaker 1: also on that same link, you'll see that information amazing.
26:07
Speaker 2: Thank you for sharing that with everyone. I know that
26:10
Speaker 2: they have learned so much today from what you have shared.
26:14
Speaker 2: I know it's just a little snippet because there's so
26:17
Speaker 2: much to talk about when we're talking about NERD, virgin
26:20
Speaker 2: kids and parenting and educating, but I think it gives
26:22
Speaker 2: them a really good glimpse into your work and the
26:26
Speaker 2: strategies that you have found really helpful over the years
26:30
Speaker 2: that you share so I really appreciate.
26:32
Speaker 1: That we have such a big need, yes to really
26:35
Speaker 1: support people. So if you know anyone that wants to
26:37
Speaker 1: be a parent, coach or a teacher trainer you know,
26:41
Speaker 1: or going to school districts, or if you need someone
26:44
Speaker 1: to go into your school district, you know, I and
26:46
Speaker 1: my staff can do that as well, because we've got
26:48
Speaker 1: to get everyone just really just understanding these kids.
26:51
Speaker 2: More, right, one hundred percent? Yeah, absolutely, thank you so much.
26:56
Speaker 2: I thank everybody for listening as well, and I'll see
27:00
Speaker 2: everyone next time. Take good care. I see you. You're
27:05
Speaker 2: doing hard and meaningful work and you don't have to
27:08
Speaker 2: do it alone. If you found this episode helpful, share
27:11
Speaker 2: it with someone who needs it and leave a quick
27:14
Speaker 2: review so others can find this support too. When you're
27:17
Speaker 2: ready for next steps, the Regulated Kids Project is here
27:21
Speaker 2: with the tools, coaching, and community to help you raise
27:25
Speaker 2: a more regulated, resilient child. Get more info at regulated
27:30
Speaker 2: kids dot com