Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S2 Ep23: Black Laughs Matter 🤣.

Transcript

S2 Ep23: Black Laughs Matter 🤣. · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:03
  SPEAKER_06: I was at home with my son busting.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_06: He said, Damn, damn, I need$250.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_06: He's only 12 years old, so I freaked out.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_06: What's going on, nigga?
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_06: Somebody trying to kill you?
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_06: He said, no, no.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_06: Kevin Hart's coming to town and I wanted to see his show.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_06: I said, well, how much of the tickets?
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_06: I said, they're$125.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_06: I said, God damn, I only ate.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_06: I said, well, why do you need$250 then?
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_06: He goes, because I wanted to go with you.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_06: Please.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_06: And there it is.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_06: So I took him to the show.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_06: And uh we go, we sit right up front, and the lights go down, and one open and after another goes on.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_06: Then Kevin takes the stage.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_06: The crowd goes fucking nuts.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_06: Thousands of people.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_06: I was furious.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_06: The longer the show went on, the matter I got.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_06: Because his show was fucking outstanding.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_06: It was maddening.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_06: These people were fucking holding their stomachs.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_06: My son was slapping his knee.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_06: I'm like, yeah, nigga, I do this too.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_06: Kevin says, good night.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_06: The crowd goes crazy.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_06: And then everyone starts walking to his door and the lights come on.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_06: And then my son is just standing there looking at an empty stage.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_06: People are pushing past me and nobody's recognizing me.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_06: I'm like, man, this place fucking sucks.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_06: I said, come on, son, let's get out of here.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_06: And then my son looks back at me and he says, Dad, please.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_06: I was like, oh my God.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_06: So I took him backstage.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_06: I've been known Kevin for years, but can you believe I was scared to knock on the stretch right now?
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_06: I almost said I said, I haven't seen him for a long time.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_06: And one of Kevin's gloom was opened the door.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_06: Hey, what's up, baby?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_06: What are you doing, man?
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_06: It's good to see you, brother.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_06: What are you doing in this area?
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_06: This is a terrible area.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah, actually, I live around here.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_06: Listen.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_06: My son just wanted to meet him real quick.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_06: Well, I don't know, because Kevin's about to eat dinner.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_06: Just think Kevin came around the corner to see who it was.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_06: Oh shit.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_06: What's up, Dave?
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_06: Come on back.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_06: I was just about to have dinner.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_06: I don't know if you guys ate, but you're welcome to join me if you like.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_06: And then my son pushed past me some cold shit.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_06: He goes, actually, Mr.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_06: Hart, we haven't eaten in several hours.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_06: Man, Kevin took us into his back room.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_06: This guy had a fucking spread.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_06: It was Tuesday night.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_06: This motherfucker was having Sunday dinner with steaks, chops, corn with butter all over it.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_06: My son was eating all fast, embarrassing me.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_06: I was like, slow down, son of the corner and there was a it was a box.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_06: Custom-made jerseys for the local team.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_06: Each one was a hand stitched, and on the back they stitched on the back of the family staring at that box.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_06: And he went over and grabbed one of them jerseys.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_06: And he walked right to my son.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_06: He said, Hey, little man, I want you to have this.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_06: And my son's like, Mr.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_06: Hart.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_06: This is when I got mad.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_06: He goes, If I ever make you mad, put that on.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_06: Oh, that was some cold shit.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_06: Then I realized I looked up what Kevin made on Google.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_06: I couldn't believe that shit.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_06: Kevin is the first comedian that a Drake song could be about.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_06: Kevin could walk around his house and sing all me, and the whole song would still be true.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_06: Got everything, I got everything.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_06: I cannot complain.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_06: I could not.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_06: I don't even know how much I've been made.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_06: I fuck that.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_06: It's a lot.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_06: Fuck that, never mind what I got.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_06: And his wife be like, Kevin, come to bed, he'd be like, Ho, shut the fuck up.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_06: I got way too much.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_06: You know how much money you have to have to tell a girl to shut the fuck up?
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_06: I have quiet please money at best.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_06: I'd have to take a loan out for shut the fuck up.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_06: Shut the fuck up, that's Jay-Z money.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_06: And Beyonce got, no, you shut the fuck up.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_10: One of the valuable lessons I learned in life that I think every woman should know is, you know, never let anybody with dirty hands touch your cuckoo.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_10: I learned this lesson the hard way in life.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_10: I learned it the hard way.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_10: I was about 17, right?
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_10: I was on the school bus, right?
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_10: It was after track practice.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_10: And there's this boy that I liked or whatever.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_10: And he was like, you know, we was making out.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_10: And he was like, can I touch your coochie?
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_10: I was like, okay.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_10: And I let him touch it.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_10: And the next day, I was itching like a motherfucker.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_10: I was itching bad.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_10: And I was like, oh shit, something's wrong.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_10: And I went to my homegirl and I was like, girl, I think he gave me AIDS.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_10: She was like, what's wrong?
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_10: I said, in my coochie itching really bad.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_10: I'm pretty sure it's AIDS.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_10: And she was like, no, Tiffany.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_10: Look, I heard my mom talking about this.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_10: You just need to put it's something white.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_10: Yeah, mayonnaise.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_10: Put mayonnaise on it.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_10: I was like, what?
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_10: She was like, yeah, put mayonnaise on it.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_10: So I went home.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_10: I put mayonnaise on my cuckoo.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_10: I went to sleep.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_10: When I woke up, my left coochie lip was gone, y'all.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_10: My mama left lip was gone.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_10: My right lip was on super swallow.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_10: I was like, uh-oh.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_10: I'm growing the penis.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_10: I'm going through the change.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_10: Maybe, okay, maybe I'm not going through the change.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_10: Maybe it's just an infection.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_10: What grandma say if you get an infection?
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_10: Oh yeah, put some peroxide on it.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_10: My coochie look like it had rabies.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_10: I was foaming.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_10: It was bad.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_10: Wait a little bit.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_10: She's like, girl, you stupid.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_10: I just don't want to fucking things that I'm hearing from other people.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_10: This is my bitch in the middle now.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_10: This was the 1900s.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_10: It was so bad.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_10: I went back to sleep.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_10: I went to back to sleep.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_10: When I woke up, my right coochie lip looked like it was a hot dog in a microwave for too long.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_10: Dirty mouse, dirty dum.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_10: That motherfucker can't touch me.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_10: Don't put a man base on your pussy.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_03: I got some new shit though.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_03: I'm finna buy me a self-driving car.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_03: Fuck out of here.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna be in the backseat.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_03: You pull me over.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know what to tell you.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_03: Talk to the driver.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_03: Talk to the driver, officer.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_03: I'm sorry, I'm in here in the backseat reading the Bible.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_03: As you can see, I'm naked with a little pitbull puppy.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_03: He's in the seatbelt.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_03: Just saying.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_03: Cause it's a new world out there.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_03: This new election changed everything.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_03: Everything has changed.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_03: And don't worry, white people, we not gonna talk politics, we not gonna say who voted for who.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_03: We're not finna get it.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_03: We learned white people know how to keep a secret.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_03: Y'all didn't tell us shit this election, not nothing.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_03: We didn't know white people was up to something until they started showing white people inline voting.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_03: And all the white people looked like they had a secret to keep and shit.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_03: I think white people is up to something.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_03: I can't wait to see what 2018 is gonna be.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_03: 2017 is already a doozy.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_03: We we used to seeing people be wrong.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_03: We ain't never seen nobody be this wrong.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_03: CNN was wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_03: CNN was talking big shit before the election.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_03: They had the map up, had all the states highlighted and shit.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_03: They was talking big shit.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_03: There's no way that Trump can win this unless he wins here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_03: They were sweating and crying and shit.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_03: They was bringing all the neighborhoods up separately.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_03: Where is the niggas vote at?
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_03: White people done took over now.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_03: Shit that used to be black ain't black no more.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_03: First thing white people took over was rioting.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_03: Riots used to be some black shit.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_03: We'll get so mad, we riot.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_03: White people done took it over.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_03: White people, let me just say in front of all these minorities, y'all are terrible at it, white people.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_03: We taught y'all better than this.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_03: Y'all had a million white people out there, y'all didn't do no damage at all.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_03: Y'all out there obeying the crosswalks and passing out orange slices, walking in single file lines, and white people, we talked y'all better than this.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_03: If it's a riot, you gotta be willing to fuck some shit up.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_03: Y'all can't fuck the shit up because y'all own the shit, so y'all out there fucking it up and cleaning it up at the same time.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_03: Not a riot, white people.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_03: White people just out there shaking their signs hard and shit.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_03: What are you doing?
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_03: You using the shake weight?
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_11: I'm riding, goddammit, I'm riding.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_11: It's been a very interesting year for me because a lot of my guy friends have just come out as predators.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_11: Yeah, like I always knew, but it was like really their journey to figure it out.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_11: Good guy friends, comedian guys, call me up talking about I don't know if I assaulted somebody, I don't know if I offended somebody.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_11: I'm like, how do you not motherfucking no?
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_11: Read the goddamn rule, man! If she looks like she's breathing bad air and has said no three or four times, it's a no.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_11: Also, guys, don't take your dick out.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_11: Who's taking their dick out?
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_11: Nobody wanna see your dick.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_11: Nobody wanna see your dick.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_11: You know somebody wants to see your dick if they say, Let me see your dick.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_11: I wanna see that dick.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_11: That's how you know somebody wanna see your dick, guys.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_11: Come on.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_11: Matt Larren, nobody wanna see your crusty bit of dick.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_11: Yuck! Louis C.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_11: K, nobody wanna see that ginger dick.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_11: No, thank you.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_11: Harvey Watson?
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_11: Nobody wanna see that pastrami mess, yuck.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_11: Charlie Rose, how did he get his adult diaper off to show his dick?
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_11: I don't know! What?
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_11: James Franco?
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_11: Put a pin in that shit.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_11: I'm gonna see his dick.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_11: James Franco, I wanna see your dick.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_11: Ooh, I wanna see James Franco dick.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_11: James Franco, I wanna see your dick.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_11: If you come to a party at my house, please do not bring your dick.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_11: Bring rose and hummus, okay?
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_11: And some pita chips.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_11: Ooh, so salty and crunchy.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_11: Yes.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_11: Nobody wanna see that dick.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_11: Nobody wanna see your dick.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_11: Oh my god.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_11: He now he's talking to his friend.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_11: Nobody wants to see my dick.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_11: No one told me that.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_11: Yeah, man, I'm telling you right now, I got a special, a microphone, lashes.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_11: Nobody wants to see your dick.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_02: I love religion, man.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_02: I love watching religion, study religion.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_02: The cool thing about religion is like no matter who you pray to, no matter what what you study, every religion follows one basic premise.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_02: One basic idea.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_02: Every religion follows.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_02: God doesn't make a mistake.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_02: Every religion believes that.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_02: Everybody does not make mistakes.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, ah does not make mistakes.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_02: God will make me almost take.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_02: You ever read the Bible?
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_02: What what does the Bible say happen on the seventh day?
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_02: God took rest.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_02: Let me ask you a question.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_02: Have you ever been performing a task?
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_02: It was going perfect.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_02: And you took a rest.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_02: Has that ever happened in your life?
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_02: No.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_02: That has never fucking happened to you.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_02: What was happened to you was you were performing a task, you fucked up, and you thought, let me rest before I fuck this up some more.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_02: God doesn't make mistakes.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_02: Hush your mouth.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_02: God makes plenty of mistakes.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_02: You ever see a porcupine?
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_02: Can't eat it, can't hug it.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_02: It's ugly, sticky, shitting all over the place.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_02: Mistake! What about quicksand?
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_02: Sand you can drown in.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_02: You can drown dry.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_02: You think God meant to make quicksand?
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_02: Mistake! You ever been to Mississippi?
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_02: Mistake! M-I-S-S-P-A-K-E.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_02: Are you kidding me?
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_02: This is a big hunk of racist dirt.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_02: Fucking Mississippi.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_02: I was there a couple of months ago.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_02: I couldn't even tell what year it was.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_02: That's how fucked up and ghetto that shit was.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_02: Like, god damn! You know what Mississippi's like?
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_02: You know like when you go to the Caribbean?
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_02: You know like when you go to the Caribbean, you land and you get in that van, that drive, that scary ass drive from the airport to the resort, and you're looking out the window, you're like, what the Whoa! You see little kids eating dreadlocks?
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_02: You see Shaba Rank stabbing the dog?
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_02: Shaba! Shaba! Shaba! People looking like they never saw a car before.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_02: Win, win! And then you get to the resort and you're like, Jamaica's nice! So nice, we should invite your mother.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_02: They give you one pina colada.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_02: And you forgive the worst poverty you've ever seen.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_02: You take one sip, you're like, that baby wasn't really dead, right?
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_02: I can't wait to jet ski.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_04: And so we drove for about twenty minutes to what I thought was going to be a restaurant.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_04: Instead, Dave pulls over into an abandoned parking lot, kills the engine, looks over at me and goes, Alright, dude, we're here.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_04: I was like, where?
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_04: At my murder scene?
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_04: I was like, no, dude, we're getting tacos over there.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_04: And he points, and in the corner of the parking lot was a truck.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_04: A food truck, yeah.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_04: Which I've now learned is quite common in America.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_04: In fact, some of the best food you'll find at a food truck.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_04: But at that moment in time, you have to forgive me.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_04: I was a little bit apprehensive.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_04: Okay?
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, I just wasn't quite comfortable with the idea of getting my food from an establishment that would not be there the next day.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_04: I feel like there's a certain level of accountability that comes with permanence.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_04: Dave was adamant though.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_04: He's like, dude, you gotta get it from a truck, dude.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_04: That's how you know it's real.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_04: I was like, all right, well, let's just get this over with.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_04: Let's do it.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_04: So I hop out of the car, walk up to the truck.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_04: And it was definitely a taco truck because there's a sign above it flashing that read tacos.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_04: Tacos.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_04: Tacos.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_04: By the way, weird piece of trivia about me as a person.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_04: I hate signs that flash but don't change.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, I always feel like a sign shouldn't be allowed to flash unless it intermittently changes to some other information.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_04: Otherwise, I think that's wasted suspense.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_04: It should be illegal.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_04: It always catches my eye, and then I wait for something else, like tacos and tacos.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_04: And what else?
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_04: Tacos! Anything else?
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_04: Tacos, just stam tacos! Anyway, now I'm irritated.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_04: I walk up to the truck, and as I get there, this little dude pops out, and he was in a completely different mood to me.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_04: You could tell.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_04: He just puffed his head.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_04: I was like, Hey, how you doing, man?
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_04: You want some tacos?
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_04: I said, uh, it would be awkward if we didn't.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_04: He says, What?
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, yeah, yeah, of course, man, of course.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_04: But you never know.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_04: Maybe you want something else, yeah?
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_04: I said, Oh, uh, what else do you have, my friend?
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_04: He said, No, nothing, man.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_04: It's a taco truck.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_04: So thank you.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_04: Thank you.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_04: That's a moment of my life.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_04: I'll never get back.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_04: Thank you very much.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_04: So no, no, no.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_04: Calmate, man.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_04: I'm just saying, you know, I don't want to waste your time.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_04: You want tacos?
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_04: Let's do tacos.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_04: How many tacos do you want, my friend?
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_04: I said, well, I don't know how many tacos to get, sir.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_04: I've I've never had tacos before.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_04: So you've never had tacos?
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_04: So no, I have.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_04: You've never had tacos?
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_04: I was like, oh, you should meet my friend Dave.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_04: Because I'm not gonna order food when I don't know what it is.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_04: Okay?
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_04: I don't know what the quantities are.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_04: I don't know what tacos are.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_04: I don't know what taco is.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_04: I don't know what tacos be.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_04: Okay, what do you say?
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_04: How many do you get?
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_04: Because just now I'm gonna be like, give me five.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_04: What if tacos like little pigs or something?
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_04: I'm like, give me five! Next thing I'm walking home with! And that's how I started my farm.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_04: Like, I have no clue what these things are.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_04: So I'm like, yo man, I just want to try the food.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_04: Just give me enough to try.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_04: He's like, okay, you're just drying it out.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_04: Two tacos is enough, my friend.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_04: I said, okay, then give me two tacos.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_04: He's like, two tacos coming up! Guy goes to the back.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_04: Starts preparing the food.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_04: I have no clue what's coming out.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_04: Comes back a few minutes later.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_04: He's like, hey my friend, your tacos are ready.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_04: So thank you, man.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_04: Thank you very much.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_04: He's like, yeah, you want a you want a napkin?
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_04: I'm sorry, what?
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_04: Do you want a napkin?
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_04: And now, LA.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_04: This is where it gets weird for me.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_04: Because you see, where I'm from.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_04: Napins are the things babies wear.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_04: To hold their shit.
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_04: The thing for your mouth we call a serviette.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_04: But I didn't know that, so at this point, this manager turned to me, offered me food, and then said, You want a napkin?
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_04: I said, I'm sorry, I'm confused.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_04: What why would I want a napkin?
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_04: So you know, man, for the mess afterwards.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_04: I said, for the mess.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_04: How instance is it that I need a napkin?
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_04: Hey, man, you never know with tacos, man.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_04: One minute you think you got it, the next thing is coming out.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_04: I said, That sounds like the most disgusting thing I've ever heard in my life.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_04: He's like, No, it's part of the experience.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_04: Everybody does it, man.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_04: You make a mess, you clean up, you come back and try again, you know?
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_04: I said, Alright, that's an experience I don't want to have.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_04: I'm not gonna lie.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_04: I'm gonna skip it.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_04: He's like, So you're not gonna try my food?
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_04: I said, Okay, I'll try the food, but I'm not gonna take the napkin, man.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_04: He said, So, what are you gonna do?
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_04: I said, Well, if it's as crazy as you say it is, I'll just eat the taco in the car on the way home.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_04: He's like, Oh, you think you're safe.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_04: But you're gonna be driving.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_04: Somebody swerves, you hit the brake, splat, it's coming out.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_04: Don't be a hero, man.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_04: Just egg the napkin.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_04: Said, alright, I'm not being a hero right now, I'm just being a grown-ass man, okay?
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_04: Like if it gets really bad, I'll just squeeze super tight till I get to where I'm going.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_04: He's like, Yeah, that's the problem.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_04: Some people they don't know, they squeeze it too tight, then the juice comes spring out even more.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_04: It can spray on your pants and on your shirt, and all I'm like, oh my shirt.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_04: How the hell is shit all the way up to my shirt?
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_04: Bouncing on the ground and ricocheting back up.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_04: What the hell is in this, man?
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_04: He's like, hey man, you want the napkin or not?
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_04: I said, I don't even know what your tacos right now, dude.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_04: So much stress.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_08: No, I love tacos.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_08: I'm a firm believer in letting information float in the air and disappear.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_08: I don't like to talk about it.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_08: I let it float in the air and disappear.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_08: I go downstairs in the kitchen, I see my son in the kitchen.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_08: My son gave me a look that said that he wanted to ask me about what he just saw.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_08: I gave him a look back that said, Don't you fucking ask me about nothing that you just saw.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_08: And I knew, I knew he wasn't really gonna try to ask me because he got in trouble in school earlier that week.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_08: I had to take my son's phone from her, which is the worst thing that you can do to a child.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_08: Taking a kid's phone is detrimental to a child's lifestyle.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_08: As soon as I took his phone, he immediately turned into a crackhead.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_08: Instantly.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_08: Instantly.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_08: I said, give me the phone.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_08: Give me the phone.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_08: You're not getting the phone back until you get your shit together.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_08: I snatched the phone, he broke down.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_08: He said, Come on, daddy, don't do me like that.
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_08: He started moving down, don't do me like that, daddy.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_08: He said, take my leg instead.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_08: Take my leg.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_08: What?
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_08: Well, give me the goddamn phone.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_08: You're not getting the phone back till you get your shit together.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_08: When I take the phone, I say to myself, you know what?
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_08: I need to go through my son's phone.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_08: I need to see what my son has been talking about on his goddamn phone.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_08: It's irresponsible on my part as a parent to not know what's on my son's phone.
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_08: I go to go through the phone, people, I realize I don't have the code.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_08: I don't got the thumbprint, the face ID, nothing.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_08: So I gotta go back to this little nigga and ask him to put the goddamn code in the phone.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_08: Put the code in the phone so I can see what you've been talking about.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_08: Straight face, my son said, nah, man, I ain't gonna do it.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_08: What?
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_08: Boy, put the code in the phone before I punch you in the fucking throat.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_08: That's what I said.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_08: I said that.
• 27:40
  SPEAKER_08: He took off running.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_08: Like he don't live in this house.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_08: Like I'm not gonna see him at the dinner table in 10 minutes.
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_08: I said, Ain't nobody chasing you.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_08: Give me the code to the phone before I kick you in the back.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_08: Swear to God from downstairs, all I heard was, fuck you! I'ma kill him.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_08: I'm about to kill him.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_08: I run downstairs, grab my son by the neck, I start choking the shit out of my son.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_08: What the fuck you say to me?
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_08: He couldn't breathe.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_08: He ah, ah he said, that's the code.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_08: The code is fuck you.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_07: Oh.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_07: That's a good code, son.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_07: That's a good code, is it?
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_07: Is it Y-O-U or the letter U?
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_07: How you spell it?
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_09: Nigga Elon Musk be going to space by himself.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_09: What the fuck is that white man doing his face alone?
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_09: That's not suspicious to anybody but me.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_09: This motherfucker goes to space without the government, without NASA, which I didn't even know you could fucking do.
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_09: As far as I knew, they were the space niggas.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_09: They run space.
• 29:01
  SPEAKER_09: You wanna fuck with space, you gotta fuck with them.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_09: This motherfucker built a spaceship like it's a go-kart, goes on Tuesdays.
• 29:09
  SPEAKER_09: Bitch, space day is Saturday! Everybody know that.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_09: You can't leave midweek to go to goddamn space.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_09: It's an event.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_09: It had been Saturday, the TV's on.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_09: This nigga be gone Wednesday night.
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_09: What?
• 29:23
  SPEAKER_09: From Sacramento at that, bitch, space place is Cape Canaveral.
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_09: That's where you go from.
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_09: Ain't no entry point to Mars from fucking Sacramento.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_09: And when you go into space, you at least tell the people it's a PSA.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_09: You get on the goddamn news, you say, hey people, I'm about to go fuck around in space.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_09: Don't be alarmed.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_09: This nigga just went.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_09: We thought it was aliens.
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_09: Is it aliens?
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_09: No, it's just Elon doing donuts in the sky.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_09: What the fuck is this?
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_09: White man ambition is some shit.
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_09: You wanna know what a racism is?
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_09: That's where the fuck it is, white man.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_09: Because I know y'all still confused.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_09: Look at him.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_09: What are you talking about?
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_09: Fucking confused.
• 30:14
  SPEAKER_09: Cause they don't get, cause everyone learns the history, so they're like, well, no one's getting hung and we ain't beating nobody.
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_09: And I work next to a black guy and he has a car, so equality.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_09: Just lay the fuck down.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_09: Rest easy.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_09: Because everything's fair.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_09: Fucking nut job.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_09: Everything's not fair.
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_09: Cause while you're sleeping, you're dreaming about buying Mars, nigga.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_09: I've never thought I could do no shit like that a day in my life.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_09: I thought about having all the money, and you know what I thought was about.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_09: If I get all the money, I'ma buy them gold ceilings, Master P head and cribs.
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_09: This is what the fuck I'ma do when I get all the goddamn money.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_09: Space by my goddamn self, bitch?
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_09: Never.
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_09: Even if I thought about going to space, I'd call NASA first.
• 31:03
  SPEAKER_09: Yo, NASA, this Sam.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_09: Can I go?
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_09: You know what it is, Tuesday.
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_09: Space Day is Saturday.
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_05: You know everybody in prison been calling me?
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_05: Man, you gonna go holler at Trump, man, or what?
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_05: Man, I can't go stand with him.
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_05: It looks like I'm standing with the feds.
• 31:22
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah, Donald Trump, he man, that motherfucker wouldn't even, he don't even, y'all think he down there right now?
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_05: He ain't even in that house.
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_05: He don't live in that house.
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_05: You know why?
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_05: Because it was a brother living in there.
• 31:35
  SPEAKER_05: And he be damned if he's gonna move in behind a brother.
• 31:40
  SPEAKER_05: I ain't moving in there behind him.
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_05: They said he called Obama and said I did a walkthrough, you left your wave cap in the bathroom.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_05: Who's hiding flaming Cheetos is in the refrigerator?
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_05: It's a German shepherd tied up on the side of the house.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_05: Who's Cadillac on Bricks is in the backyard?
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah, man, Obama, man.
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_05: That's a real motherfucker right there.
• 32:17
  SPEAKER_05: He made hey man, I miss Obama, man.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_05: I miss Obama.
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_05: He back smoking and everything again.
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_05: I didn't seen him.
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_05: I seen him the other night.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_05: Nigga, Mike, what's up, man?
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_05: Because that's how Obama look when he go in the cop some weed.
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_05: He be like, yeah.
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_05: Michelle be sitting in the car.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_05: When he get in the car, Michelle, did you get it?
• 32:55
  SPEAKER_05: Let's go.
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_05: Just ride.
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_05: Just drive, drive, drive.
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_05: I know the cops are around here.
• 33:03
  SPEAKER_05: Let's get it and go.
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_05: Smell it.
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_05: It's good this time.
• 33:10
  SPEAKER_05: Smell it.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_05: Let me put it in my nuts.
• 33:21
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah, Donald Trump, he mad.
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_05: He mad, he mad, you know what I mean?
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_05: He mad.
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_05: You know what?
• 33:26
  SPEAKER_05: I kind of figured it out.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_05: He probably got a little dick.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_05: You know what I'm saying?
• 33:30
  SPEAKER_05: That'll make a man mad as a motherfucker.
• 33:34
  SPEAKER_05: You walk around here, dick little, you ain't servicing the women right, that'll make you angry as a motherfucker.
• 33:42
  SPEAKER_05: Ladies, next time you see a man that's mad and got a bunch of power, and you like, why is he so unhappy?
• 33:47
  SPEAKER_05: Dick this big.
• 33:51
  SPEAKER_05: Got little dick issues.
• 33:53
  SPEAKER_05: Look at Obama, man, humble, got a beautiful family.
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_05: I ain't no humble, but nigga's dick probably hit the ground.
• 34:10
  SPEAKER_05: Shit hit the ground, and y'all know how humble I've been throughout my career.
• 34:15
  SPEAKER_05: I've been humble in a motherfucker.
• 34:17
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah, yeah.
• 34:18
  SPEAKER_05: I've been humble.
• 34:21
  SPEAKER_05: And if you think I'm lying, I ain't gotta lie to you.
• 34:23
  SPEAKER_05: This is all me right here.
• 34:27
  SPEAKER_01: We're just in a fight right now.
• 34:29
  SPEAKER_01: We just in a fight.
• 34:29
  SPEAKER_01: And when you're in a fight, big thing, you gotta stay consistent.
• 34:33
  SPEAKER_01: We gotta stay consistent, ladies.
• 34:35
  SPEAKER_01: Especially us.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 34:37
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know, you can't be out there at the women's march.
• 34:42
  SPEAKER_01: Fuck Harvey, yeah.
• 34:44
  SPEAKER_01: Equal pay.
• 34:45
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we gotta get equal pay.
• 34:47
  SPEAKER_01: And it'd be like, ooh, girl, I gotta get home and watch The Bachelor.
• 34:54
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 34:59
  SPEAKER_01: The Bachelor cannot coexist with Time's Up Me Too.
• 35:06
  SPEAKER_01: Can't have it.
• 35:07
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_01: The only time you hear Me Too on The Bachelor is if somebody says, I have chlamydia.
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_01: Gotta let the bachelor go.
• 35:28
  SPEAKER_01: I know some of you are like, well, Wanda, it's just, it's just entertainment, it's a TV show.
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I know, but it promotes bad behavior and it makes women look stupid.
• 35:37
  SPEAKER_01: Scott a gun.
• 35:44
  SPEAKER_01: Got all these women, you know, all these women gathered, trying to all vie for this one little shitty dude.
• 35:52
  SPEAKER_01: And he's actively dating all of them right in front of your face.
• 35:56
  SPEAKER_01: And you know he's sleeping with all of them, and the women are just standing around like, when is he gonna fuck me?
• 36:05
  SPEAKER_01: Where do I get my one-on-one?
• 36:10
  SPEAKER_01: I have more respect for strippers than I do for women who go on the batches.
• 36:19
  SPEAKER_01: I do.
• 36:20
  SPEAKER_01: What the hell?
• 36:21
  SPEAKER_01: And then they try to make it like it's some fairy tale, you know, with the with the rose ceremony.
• 36:27
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, if he wants you to stay, he'll give you a rose.
• 36:32
  SPEAKER_01: Say bullshit.
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_01: I want them to show it for what it is.
• 36:37
  SPEAKER_01: Instead of the rose ceremony, I want them to line all the women up, and if he wants you to stay, he will tap you on your forehead with his dick.