Latest / Crossway Radio / Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram Daily Podcast - Right Relationships are Always More Important than Being Right, Part 1

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Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram Daily Podcast - Right Relationships are Always More Important than Being Right, Part 1 · Crossway Radio

0:11
Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
0:14
Would you like to reduce conflict in your relationships?
0:17
I mean, fewer disagreements, less fighting, more
0:20
harmony. Well, today I'm going to share a principle
0:23
that I learned many years ago that has saved
0:26
countless friendships and working relationships
0:28
and been pretty important in my marriage over
0:31
the years. Stay with me. You don't want to miss
0:33
it. I'm Dave Drew and this is Living on the Edge
0:38
with Chip Ingram. Today, Chip shares one of the
0:41
hardest lessons he's ever had to learn in his
0:43
own marriage and friendships, that winning an
0:46
argument almost always costs you something far
0:49
more valuable than being right. As we continue
0:52
our series called Caring Enough to Connect, Chip
0:54
shows us how to let go of our need to be right
0:57
without ever compromising what's true. Remember,
1:00
if you ever need to revisit this program at another
1:03
time, just go to livingontheedge .org. Well,
1:07
now here's Chip with today's message titled,
1:09
Right Relationships Are Always More Important
1:12
Than Being Right. I have this habit, and this
1:16
is a habit of observing people. When I go to
1:19
the mall, I observe people. When I go to the
1:20
park, I observe people. Last night when Teresa
1:24
and I were walking in the park and the gal with
1:26
her cell phone who's talking loud enough for
1:28
everyone in the park to know, you know, Teresa
1:30
just blocks it out and talks to me and walks,
1:32
and I'm listening to this lady's conversation.
1:35
Why I do this, I don't know. But I have this
1:38
habit of just observing people. And they're usually
1:43
talking about how unfair, how insensitive, how
1:47
selfish, how ungrateful, or how wrong someone
1:50
else somewhere has been to them. And you just
1:53
hear conversations like this go on and on and
1:58
on. And my experience is that sometimes when
2:02
I'm listening to people, whine and complain about
2:06
someone else who's not in the room. What really
2:10
bothers me is when I find that the person I'm
2:13
listening to is me. And I can look back over
2:17
the last 30 years or so as a Christian and being
2:19
a dad and being a pastor and being a husband,
2:23
that I on multiple occasions have found myself
2:26
telling someone very close to me, like my wife
2:29
or one of my kids or a close friend, about how
2:35
right I am in a situation. When you listen carefully
2:38
to the conversations, what it really is about
2:40
is someone is right and someone else is wrong.
2:44
They didn't get it. They didn't see it. They
2:47
didn't understand it. They were insensitive.
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I was right. I did what was right. And I remember
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early as a dad and being a little, you know,
2:57
over the top, which none of you can probably
2:59
imagine that my kids all can, is things like,
3:03
you know, you've had a really rough day and there's
3:05
been a lot of pressure and you say, I will pick
3:06
you up in front of the high school at door B
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at 4 .30. And you pull up in front of the high
3:12
school in door B at 4 .30 and they are not there.
3:15
And then it's 4 .35 and then it's 4 .40 and then
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it's a quarter five. Then you get out of your
3:20
car and you walk around and there aren't cell
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phones in those days and people don't call them
3:23
and my kids didn't. have them anyway. And then
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pretty soon it's five o 'clock and you were supposed
3:27
to be someplace else and you're going to miss
3:28
dinner and there's a meeting after the dinner
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and you see your kid and he comes around the
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corner and you know, what do you say? Hi, I've
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missed you. Tell me how your day went, honey.
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What do you say? Where in the heck have you been?
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I've been in door B. Well, no, that's not door
3:46
B, Dad. This is, hey, I'll tell you where door
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B is. I'm the parent. Get in that car. And you
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know what? Well, Dad, we were in door B, and
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then we went to call to find you, and you didn't
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show up. You weren't here at 430. I was here
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right at 430. 436 is about 430 in my mind. Anyway,
4:00
and you know, well, we went to call you, and
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it's all about whether you were at door B or
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door A, and whether it was 430 or 436. And there
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are emotions that occur in a breakdown in relationship
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that when you step back, you look at it and go,
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you know, this is insanity. But at the heart
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of it was all about being right. My principle
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for you all that I guess if I had to get it down
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to seven or eight of the biggest lessons I've
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learned about relationships, number seven for
4:32
me is this, is that right relationships are always
4:36
more important than being right. Right. Right
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relationships are always more important than
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being right. And my little disclaimer here, I'm
4:47
not talking about... moral issues. I'm not talking
4:50
about theological issues. I'm not talking about
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rolling over and giving the other person their
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way all the time. I'm not talking about saying,
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you know, standing up for a just cause. Well,
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I want a right relationship. I'm not talking
5:02
about peace at any price. I'm talking about in
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the normal, everyday relationships with other
5:08
people that you love and that you care about.
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And the issues aren't whether this is theologically
5:14
true or not, or whether it's morally good or
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bad or not. The issues are about your perspective,
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your circumstances, your rights, your opinion
5:23
being the way versus the other person. So you
5:26
get that? Open, if you would, to Colossians chapter
5:29
three. There's a great context. I wanna give
5:31
a little running start to this one. Colossians
5:34
is a great book. It's a parallel book to Ephesians.
5:37
It's about how the church is supposed to live
5:38
out the faith. And the first half of this book,
5:41
like Ephesians, is doctrine. This is who you
5:42
are in Christ. And then chapters three and four,
5:44
now this is how you live out this new life. You
5:47
know, you could use, this is how to be a disciple.
5:49
This is how to be a genuine follower. This is
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how to be that Romans 12 type Christian. And
5:54
in the first four verses, it'll say, it begins
5:56
with your thinking. I've just told you all these
5:58
things that are true in the first four verses.
6:00
Set your mind on the things that are above, not
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on the things that are on earth. And then it
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says you gotta deal radically with some of your
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past habits and issues. As you look at verse
6:09
five, it says, therefore consider the members
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of your earthly body as dead to immorality, impurity,
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passion, evil desire, greed, which amounts to
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idolatry. And that little word consider there
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really is put to death. And it's in a tense in
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the grammar that means urgently put to death,
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deal radically with. And I wish I had time to
6:28
develop all these words. But when you look at
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sexual immorality is that word, but impurity,
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passion, evil desire, even the word greed is
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not just financial. It's the idea of doing everything
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around your own self -interest about your rights
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and your position and making sure that your way
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gets the way. And what he's saying is, is that's
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how you lived before you knew Christ. And it
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says you got to put to death that stuff. And
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then he'll go on and say that, you know, don't
6:56
lie to one another anymore. And then he'll talk
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about this renewing that has occurred out of
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the new birth and this renewal of a new knowledge
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and this new person you are in Christ. And then
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he gets on the solution side by verse 12. And
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in verse 12, then he says, so then. In light
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of this brand new person who you are, in light
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of this new position that you have, in light
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of this radical steps you've taken by God's grace
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to put to death those old patterns that ruin
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relationship and separated you from God and bring
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God's wrath as a new born again person with a
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new mind and the spirit of God living in you.
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So then here's how to do relationships. He says,
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as those who've been chosen of God, holy and
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beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness,
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humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with
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one another and forgiving each other. Whoever
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has a complaint against anyone, that's pretty
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broad, isn't it? Just as the Lord forgave you,
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so also should you. And beyond all these things
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that I've listed, compassion, kindness, humility,
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gentleness, patience, and bearing with one another,
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put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity.
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And then he's going to go on and talk about some
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specific internal devices that God has given
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us about how to regulate how relationships are
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going about the peace in our life. But what I'd
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like to do is take just a moment and have you
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circle the first three words. I think these are
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the key to practicing the principle that right
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relationships are more important than being right.
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So as those who've been circle the word chosen,
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circle the word holy, and circle the word beloved.
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If you miss those, you can't do those commands.
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See, at the heart of it, whether it's with my
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wife, my kids, a fellow employee, a little league
8:43
game, a pickup basketball game, an issue over
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a parking spot at the mall, an argument with
8:49
someone in a business deal, when I start to fight
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and when you start to fight and relationships
8:55
break down, usually my significance, my acceptance,
8:59
or my security gets attacked. And either I feel
9:03
like you're dissing me or I think it's unfair
9:05
or I think I'm getting a raw deal or you don't
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respect me or what you're doing is something
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that's gonna really injure me and so I have to
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stand up for my rights. And isn't it interesting,
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he says, so as those who have been chosen of
9:21
God, how much more significant could you be?
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See, we don't do relationships out of I need
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to be significant in someone else's eyes. We
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do relationships out of the sense that, you know,
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all the people, God chose me. God chose you.
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He loves you. If there were ball teams lined
9:39
up, he would say, he would point to you and say,
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I want you on my team. And so you are significant.
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That's not something we've got to get out there
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and prove. The second notice, chosen of God and
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holy. You know, what makes us unacceptable is
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our imperfections. But he's already told us that
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because of what Christ did on the cross and his
10:00
blood shed for us and our being united with him
10:04
by faith, we died with him, we've been raised
10:07
with him, and our position before God as he sees
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us, even as he sees Jesus, we're holy, we're
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set apart. What's that mean? Well, it means you're
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accepted. It means there aren't flaws. It means
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that in God's eyes at this moment, you're seated
10:24
with him in the heavenly places. You matter,
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you're significant, you're holy, you're accepted.
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Now, do you have to live that out in practice?
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And is that a journey? Of course. But your position
10:33
in Christ, you're holy. You're listening to Living
10:38
on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Just a quick reminder
10:40
before we get back to today's message. Did you
10:43
know you can take Chip's teaching with you everywhere
10:45
you go? The Chip Ingram app puts hundreds of
10:48
messages, reading plans, and daily encouragement
10:50
right in your pocket anytime you need it. It's
10:53
free to download wherever you get your apps.
10:56
And for even more resources, visit us online
10:58
at livingontheedge .org. Now back to today's
11:03
lesson. And then notice, I like this, it says
11:06
beloved, or the idea is you're dearly loved.
11:09
You're accepted. Do I want everyone to accept
11:11
me? Of course, and so do you. But what happens
11:14
is when a roommate or a wife or a business associate
11:18
or someone on a little league field or someone
11:20
in line or a parking space, when someone cuts
11:23
in front of you, all those things threaten our
11:26
security and that I am more important. And what's
11:30
being violated is personal rights. And what the
11:34
Apostle Paul is saying is, you know what? Right
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relationships really do matter more than being
11:40
right. But the only way you can live that way
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is if you know you're chosen by God. You are
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holy and you're dearly loved. Now, out of what
11:50
you've already received, now he's going to talk
11:53
very specifically about how do you treat people.
11:56
He says, put on a heart of compassion. That's
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that interesting word where you actually feel
12:01
what other people's feel to the point of action.
12:04
The word is splachna. It was used every time
12:07
Jesus had compassion in the New Testament. It
12:09
was a feeling depth in the bowels of a person
12:12
for the needs of the other person that leads
12:14
you to action. Compassion is not empathy. Empathy
12:18
is you see someone and you go, man, I really
12:20
feel bad for them. Compassion is I feel bad to
12:22
the point that I'm gonna do something to alleviate
12:25
that situation. And so notice where he says,
12:28
put on a heart. If you read this passage carefully,
12:31
12 through 17, the word heart is repeated three
12:33
times. This isn't just about some external discipline
12:37
of behavior that you work up to act compassionately.
12:40
This is about something that comes out of who
12:42
you are because the spirit of God is producing
12:45
this in you. And so put on compassion. I mean,
12:48
so you feel, you think, I wonder what that guy
12:51
went through. I wonder why someone would be that
12:53
upset over a game with five or eight or 10 year
12:55
old kids. I wonder why, you know, my kids are
12:58
so upset about this or why I am. Put on a heart
13:01
of compassion. Kindness is just that word for
13:04
something that's beautiful and winsome. You wanna
13:06
do nice things for people, you know, kind of
13:08
unexplainable. You know, you just come back to
13:10
the office and you bring an extra cup of coffee
13:12
and you give it to someone and you jot a note
13:14
for no reason that says, thinking of you, love
13:16
you, prayed for you today. You put a check in
13:19
the mail to someone or some cash in an envelope
13:21
for someone that's struggling and say, you know
13:23
what, it's been hard. Why don't you take your
13:25
wife or your roommate or whoever out to dinner?
13:27
I just wanna bless you. That's what kindness
13:29
is. Kindness is just doing kind of nice things
13:31
for people to express concern. Humility is putting
13:35
the needs of others ahead of yourself. By the
13:38
way, that was not a virtue in the ancient world.
13:40
When this was written, humility wasn't looked
13:42
like as a good thing. This was like, humility,
13:46
why would anyone do it? It was the idea, I'm
13:48
bigger, I'm badder, I can knock you down. That's
13:52
what you ought to do. And here you have this
13:54
teaching. that actually revolutionized the world
13:58
that said, consider others as more important
14:00
than yourself. Don't ask, do I'm getting my rights?
14:04
Ask, how could I put the needs of someone else
14:06
ahead of me? This is a radical way to do relationships.
14:11
And then the word gentleness here is that same
14:13
word. And the old King James, remember, I memorized
14:16
this in the old King James in Matthew 11, where
14:19
Jesus says, for I'm meek and lowly of heart.
14:22
That word meek is gentle. In the ancient Greek
14:25
literature, it was used of a wild stallion. Meek
14:29
is not weak. It's a wild stallion that has been
14:32
trained with a bit in its mouth that takes that
14:34
power under control. And so it's not that you
14:37
don't have the power to exert your rights. It's
14:41
not that you can't power up on someone and say
14:43
to them, hey, hey, that's my parking spot and
14:45
that's the way it is. It's that you say to yourself,
14:47
I have the power and I have the rights. And you
14:50
know, I even have the position in this situation
14:52
or in this company or in this work. But you know
14:55
what? I'm gonna step back and I don't have to
14:57
exert my rights here. I'm gonna put on a heart
15:00
of compassion and kindness. I'm gonna put their
15:03
needs ahead of my own. And in this certain situation,
15:06
you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna allow my
15:08
rights. to be under control, to meet the need
15:12
of someone else. I'm going to be considerate.
15:15
The next word there, he says, patience is just
15:17
that it's a combination of macro long and something
15:21
that heats up. And it's the idea of just putting
15:24
up with junk. If you, you know, it's just, it's
15:26
just, you have a, you know, the word picture
15:28
for me, not that the word means this, but the
15:29
word picture for me is that you just have a really
15:31
long fuse. That's what patience is. You know
15:34
that, you know what? That person irritates me.
15:37
And without patience, they irritate you once
15:39
and you say, I'm going to let that go. Irritate
15:43
you twice, you do that again, you know. Patience
15:46
is, you know what? Long suffering. And in case
15:52
you didn't understand what he really meant and
15:54
how specific he wanted to be, after the word
15:56
patience, he says, bearing. with one another.
16:00
And this is actually the faults and idiosyncrasies
16:02
of people. This is saying, you know what? The
16:05
way they chew their gum in my ear, every time
16:07
we're talking, it makes me cringe. Every time
16:10
when they take their silver and they do it like
16:12
this at the table, right before they cut their
16:13
meat, I just want to take a knife and throw it
16:16
across the room. Every time they make the same
16:19
lame excuse. This is looking at the idiosyncrasies
16:22
of people that make you crazy. And it says bearing
16:25
up with them. You put up with it. And then it
16:28
goes beyond that and says, forgiving each other,
16:31
whoever has a complaint against anyone. How would
16:34
you like to work at a place or how would you
16:36
like to be in a family where there was a commitment
16:38
by supernatural power that people said, you know
16:41
what? I'm going to put on a heart of compassion,
16:43
kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.
16:48
And I'm going to bear up because the fact of
16:50
the matter is, is all those people have those
16:52
idiosyncrasies that make you crazy. Can I let
16:54
you know a secret? You have those little idiosyncrasies
16:58
that make them crazy, right? And notice honestly
17:02
then, it's not just that you keep them under
17:04
wraps. He says forgiving them. The word means
17:08
to release. It means to let go. You forgive them.
17:12
At the heart of a lack of forgiveness is vengeance
17:15
or payback. The heart motive behind not forgiving
17:19
another person is they did this to me. You know
17:22
what? They took the credit for that project at
17:24
work. They put their kid in the lineup ahead
17:27
of mine and my kid's batting 666 and his kid
17:30
has not gotten a hit all year. And I want to
17:32
pay them back. And so I'm going to say things,
17:35
you know, very discreetly because Christians
17:37
have to be discreet when we try and really mess
17:39
up other people. And I'm going to. But forgiving
17:43
is you release. And you forgive them. Notice
17:47
the motivation. Just as God has forgiven you.
17:52
I think forgiveness is the hardest thing to do
17:54
in the Christian life. I could be wrong. I mean,
17:58
when you've really been wounded, when it really
18:00
is selfish, when it really is unjust, when someone
18:03
has really done something bad to you. And what
18:07
do you want? You want what I want. I want justice.
18:11
I mean, I don't think anything makes me more
18:13
unfair. I mean, I want justice for my kids. I
18:15
want justice for my wife. I want justice for
18:17
Christians. I want justice for what's right.
18:19
And I want justice for me, except for when it
18:23
comes to how I want God to deal with me, right?
18:26
I mean, she walked out on her husband. He walked
18:28
out. He's not paying his alimony. That's an ungrateful
18:31
kid. You know, they took credit for that. They
18:33
used our idea and then they copyrighted it before
18:36
we could. That is, we're gonna sue their pants
18:39
off. We're gonna, we're gonna, we're gonna. Justice,
18:41
justice, justice. And yet the fact of the matter
18:45
is, the command is, God wants me relationally
18:48
to extend to others what has been extended to
18:51
me. And I will tell you that the older I get,
18:56
the more I see what's in my heart, the more I
19:02
get so overwhelmed. God, I don't want justice,
19:05
please. God, if you give me justice, oh my. You
19:09
know, I see things in my heart and I, you know,
19:12
even I can look back and think, you know, maybe
19:14
20 years ago, I thought my motives were right.
19:15
But boy, looking back now, man, that was, you
19:17
were just one arrogant idiot. And boy, I don't
19:21
want God to deal with me that way. And it has
19:24
been the most profound motivation in my life
19:26
to say, Lord, I am willing to let go of my vengeance
19:30
and lack of forgiveness and extend mercy because
19:33
I certainly do not want you to treat me the way
19:37
that I want them to be treated. And notice here,
19:41
it's just whoever has a complaint against anyone.
19:43
And then if that's not enough, I don't know about
19:45
you, but those are pretty strong words to justify
19:48
the principle that right relationships are more
19:50
important than being right. And I will say, you've
19:53
grown up in a world, by the way, American culture,
19:55
your rights are what matter. You have a right
20:00
to that. You deserve a break today. That's your
20:03
place in line. Don't let anybody. I mean, you
20:07
have been brainwashed to believe that you are
20:10
so the center of the universe that you better
20:13
defend your rights. And so our knee -jerk reaction
20:18
to almost any relational conflict is to exert
20:21
our personal rights. You're listening to Living
20:26
on the Edge with Chip Ingram and a message titled,
20:29
Right Relationships Are Always More Important
20:32
Than Being Right. Chip will continue the lesson
20:35
next time, but if you've missed any part of today's
20:38
program, be sure to catch up when you can online
20:40
at livingontheedge .org. And if you learn better
20:45
by watching, check out the Living on the Edge
20:47
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20:50
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YouTube and hit subscribe. Well, if today's principle
21:01
is hardest to live out anywhere, it's with the
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or the hot -button issues of the day. Not Beyond
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22:08
Well, now here's Chip. As we close today's program,
22:11
I have to admit this principle has been one of
22:14
the hardest for me. We all have different personalities,
22:18
but some of us have what I call a justice gene.
22:21
In other words, what's fair? What's right? The
22:25
facts, right? And when I'm right and these are
22:28
my rights, I mean, I'm the guy that if I'm in
22:31
the car and you go up the right lane, you know.
22:35
outside of everyone, and then you want to get
22:37
in, and I've waited in line. I'm not a happy
22:41
camper. I mean, everything in me is like, hey,
22:44
look, buddy. And instead of thinking of the best
22:47
possible explanation. Or, honestly, it happens
22:50
more in my marriage. And Treece and I will be
22:53
talking about something, and she'll say, oh,
22:55
yeah, remember in July when this happened? I'm
22:57
thinking, no, no, it wasn't July. It was June,
22:59
you know. And it happened at this city, and I'm
23:01
thinking, no, no, no, it wasn't in July, and
23:04
it wasn't in that city. And so I'll say something
23:06
like, well, honey, it was actually in June. It
23:08
was with these people instead of those people.
23:10
And then I'm hoping you're laughing at this point.
23:13
And we're now going back and forth. Honey, it
23:15
was June. It was July. It was June. It was June.
23:17
It was July. It was with Bob. No, it was with
23:18
me. And all of a sudden you have these emotions.
23:21
And I'm sitting here thinking, Chip, you idiot.
23:26
Who cares? The right relationship is way more
23:30
important than being right. And, you know, when
23:32
you learn to practice that in little things,
23:35
I mean, to actually. Are you ready for this?
23:37
Some of my most holy moments have been when my
23:41
wife has said something and whether I'm right
23:43
or not, I'm convinced in my mind what she's saying
23:46
about a detail is absolutely wrong. And instead
23:49
of confronting, instead of saying, no, no, you're
23:52
wrong. What about this? What about that? And
23:54
wanting her to know that I remember better or
23:56
whatever. My most holy moments are when I think
24:00
this really doesn't matter. Keep your mouth shut.
24:03
Just listen. And you know what? You being right
24:07
or your remembrance of that situation being the
24:11
official way it happened is really not very important.
24:15
Now, obviously, when it comes to maybe a doctrine
24:17
or a moral issue, I'm not saying that we just
24:20
stay quiet. But what if we right now, this moment
24:25
today, as we listen and talk with people, could
24:28
just catch ourselves when we have to be right
24:31
and just let that go? And think, what would really
24:35
make this relationship better rather than what
24:38
would make me look better? Tell you what, let's
24:42
go into training on that one and see what God
24:43
will do. Join us again next time as we continue
24:47
this series, Caring Enough to Connect, here on
24:49
Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Today's
24:55
program is produced and sponsored by Living on
24:58
the Edge.