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Avoidant Attachment Style · Trauma Free Relationship

0:01
I opened my last podcast on Anxious Attachment Style with a
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story about a couple that I was seeing and I told it from the
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perspective of, in this particular case, the the female
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member of the couple who had Anxious attachment and she was
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just crying out. Why can't I get the love I need
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from my partner? What I want to do is open up
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with the same couple when I talk about avoidant attachment style
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today and share what it's like from the other person's
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perspective. So the same couple that I was
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seeing as the female partner was crying, crying out.
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I need more. It's not enough.
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Why can't I get the love I need? I happened to glance over in
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this particular case to the male partner of this couple, and he
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was a completely expressionless and you could see this look on
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his face as if he was completely unaffected by the crying, the
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longing, the overwhelming emotion that was coming off of
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his partner. And by the way, I should say I
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I'm using female as anxious attachment and male as avoid
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attachment. But by no means do I mean to box
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them in, because this could easily be the other way.
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There's there's plenty of males that are anxiously attached and
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plenty of females that are avoidantly attached.
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So for this example just so happens this couple I'm drawing
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on, which by the way, I'm I'm and this is a composite couple.
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I've seen many, many, many couples like this over the
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years. So this is a composite of what I
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have seen. But I don't want to.
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I want you to assume that somehow I am.
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I'm boxing them in and saying all females are anxious and all
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males are avoiding, because that certainly is not the case.
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The purpose of this illustration is that the the partner was
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completely shut down, completely removed, and on the outside it
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looked like he was completely unaffected by anything his
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partner was saying or any of the emotion that his partner was
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feeling at the time. And it didn't take me long.
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I I knew it beforehand, but certainly in that moment I knew
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exactly what was going on with this person because of the
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avoidant attachment style, that inwardly he was feeling all
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kinds of feelings, but outwardly he had shut himself down.
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And that's a little bit of the hallmark of the avoidant
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attachment style and that's what we're going to talk about today.
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Welcome to Trauma free relationship.
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The podcast that provides support and guidance to help
2:43
heal the wounds of attachment trauma.
2:45
Whether you find yourself struggling with unresolved
2:47
issues in the past or have experienced trauma in your
2:50
current relationship, our goal is to provide accurate,
2:53
scientifically informed information as well as the tools
2:57
to help you create a secure connection between you and your
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partner. And here is your host, Tom
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Philip. OK, let's dig into the avoidant
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attachment style. And by the way, just as self
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disclosure here, this is actually my style that I have.
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I don't like conflict. I try to avoid conflict.
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When my feelings get hurt, I often times shut down.
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I'll stop talking. I'll go to my head instead of
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staying in my heart with my emotions, I'll remove myself
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emotionally. I'll try to figure out what can
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I do to make this better. I need time to process and think
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about things and these are some of the hallmarks of avoid an
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attachment style. So as I mentioned on the
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previous podcast on Anxious Attachment, the avoid an
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attachment style isn't isn't the predominant style of relating
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all the time in a relationship. It's only when there's a real or
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perceived threat that when this gets triggered, this is the
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partners go to move. This is what they know.
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This is what kept them safe when they had rejecting, abandoning,
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unavailable parents that weren't there for closeness, affection
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when they needed it. And as a result, this is the
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adaptation they have created that has kept them safe over
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time. So this isn't a person who's
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trying to withhold the love intentionally.
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This is an individual that is making this move.
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When they feel pressure, when they get triggered, when there's
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a real or perceived threat to the relationship, this is what
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they know to do that keeps them safe.
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So some of what those triggers are maybe when the partner
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overwhelms them with words or emotions.
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By large, avoidant people tend to not be as good with their
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words and their emotions. They tend to use less words and
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have less emotions. They tend to understand their
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feelings less and be able to make sense of them.
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Then an anxiously attached person does.
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And this again is why we can see so many different cycles that go
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on, very common cycles. What we call the pursue
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withdrawal, the anxious person gets triggered in the
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relationship. They begin to pursue the
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avoidant attachment style partner who overwhelms them with
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their emotions and their words and they begin to shut down and
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around and around they go. And so these two different
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styles of coping is part of what creates those cycles.
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And I've got another podcast I talk about that, where I talk
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about trauma cycles, if you want to go into more detail and learn
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more about that. But the avoidant attachment
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style gets triggered with overwhelming words or emotions.
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They get triggered when they they get signals from their
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partner that they're not getting it right.
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They feel attacked, they feel criticized.
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They feel ashamed that somehow they're not loving their partner
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like their partner needs to be loved and as a result they tend
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to withdraw into themselves. And they do this a couple of
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different ways. The characteristic of avoidant
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attachment style means that they they have a high avoidance
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meaning. They then begin to rely solely
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on their own resources for for comfort and for need.
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And they are really good at self soothing.
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So they have low anxiety about the relationship as opposed to
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an anxious attachment style that when they get triggered, it
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actually hyperactivates their attachment needs in an avoidant
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attachment style. When they get triggered, what
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they actually do is deactivate their attachment style, they
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deactivate their need for attachment altogether.
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And so they become Uber autonomous.
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They rely on to themselves, you know, an island unto themselves,
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so to speak, is kind of a good slogan for an avoidant
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attachment style. I don't need anybody.
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I can do this on my own. I'm fine on my own, and I'm
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going to build a Moat around my castle.
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I'm going to pull up the drawbridge and I'm going to be
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very happy in here by myself. And so avoidant attachments is
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very much characterized by low anxiety.
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They don't, they don't ruminate. They don't worry about a
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relationship. They want things to be easy and
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smooth but high avoidance and so when they do get triggered they
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tend to deactivate their attachment needs.
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They rely on self soothing and they avoid or downplay any need
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for closeness and connection with others.
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As I mentioned briefly avoid Attachment usually is born out
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of or comes out of childhood of rejecting, abandoning or
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unavailable appearance. So when the child is young, they
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have a normal natural. It's born into our DNA.
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We long for closeness, we long for connection, and so if that
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is not available to us then we must adapt.
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With that unavailability, the child learns that nobody's there
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when I need, when I long for closeness, when I need that
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affection. And so as a result, I must adapt
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to it. And in this particular case,
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what the child learns to do is to rely solely on themselves.
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I'll solve my own problems. Emotions aren't necessary
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because there's nothing I can do with the emotions.
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There's nobody there to listen or mirror those emotions, so I
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must rely on my own thinking in order to solve my own problems.
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And so part of the avoid attachment style is to often go
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very cognitive and to be able to solve problems, deal with
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problems, not ruminate over issues, but rather dive in and
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attack the problems and solve them so they can move on.
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They they like to avoid the anxiety that that problems,
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especially relationship problems, 'cause that is very,
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very uncomfortable for them because there was no one there
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to sue that anxiety when they were young or when they were in
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a previous relationship, for them to be able to do anything
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with it. So they often avoid that anxiety
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by shutting it off, compartmentalizing it, and many
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times they shut down again. They become very self reliant,
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overly self reliant. And often times they'll go to
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the head and they'll do what we call intellectualize.
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And this is a defensive move and it makes sense to me.
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I understand why people go to this move.
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I understand it, 'cause I go to this move myself.
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It's one of the things I like to do, OK, I'm a smart guy.
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I can figure this out. Let me just apply my intellect
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and I don't need anybody. I'll just think about this and
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if I think about this hard enough, I can figure this out.
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And so often times we will jettison other relationships.
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We don't reach out for help because we figure I've got this.
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I can do this on my own. If I just think about it long
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enough and hard enough, I can figure this out.
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Let me also say that this is only about 25% of the general
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population. So the avoidant attachment
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style, when we talk about the general population, just the
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average citizens in any community, this comprises about
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25%. I mentioned on my previous
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podcast with the anxious attachment style that that that
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was about 20% of the population. So we're almost quite equal here
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in terms of the general population.
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Just as a quick recap, I also mentioned that about 50% of the
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population had roughly a secure attachment.
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And part of what that means is when you have a secure
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attachment is you are more flexible in your attachment
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style. It doesn't mean you don't ever
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shut down. It doesn't mean you don't ever
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get anxious and pursue. It means depending on the
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context, you have the flexibility to be able to ebb
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and flow and use both those styles with your partner.
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You don't just get stuck in one move.
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And so when we talk about an avoidance and an anxious
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attachment, part of what we're talking about here is they don't
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have that flexibility to be able to, to move between different
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styles when they need to, to be able to raise issues and
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concerns with their partner and go to their partner in times of
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anxiousness and in times of need or also be able to come out of
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themselves and to reach out and stay emotionally engaged.
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So there's that flexibility with securely attached people that
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the avoidant or the anxious attachment style doesn't have.
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This is their go to move. They use it almost exclusively
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and that's part of what creates those cycles with couples.
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So about 25% of the general population has this attachment
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style. Now what I want to do next is I
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want to talk about the five different relationship areas
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that that this attachment style effects in a relationship.
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I did this on the Anxious attachment style as well.
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So I'm not going to dive into as much detail describing each area
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because I really encourage you to go back and listen to the
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Anxious Attachment Style podcast.
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Even if that's not your style, it's really good to be able to
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learn a little bit about what your partner is going through.
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And it if you're anxiously attached, then this is a great
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one to learn because by and large you might be with an
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avoidant attachment. And so learning a little bit
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about what goes on inside of them is really helpful as well.
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So as a brief overview, the five different areas that this
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impacts in a relationship is the area of perception of closeness
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and intimacy. And as I mentioned before, all
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couples have to negotiate this within their relationship.
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They have to determine how much closeness can we withstand and
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how much autonomy can we withstand in the relationship.
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Often times what happens is when couples first get together,
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they're very, very close. They do all kinds of things
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together, but over time then they then to loosen that that
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that, that rigid bond a little bit, and they can withstand some
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sense of autonomy, some sense of separateness within the
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relationship. For avoidant attachment people,
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they definitely lean towards more autonomy.
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The closeness in the relationship might be there in
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the beginning, but eventually their natural attachment
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avoidance style is going to come out, and especially in times
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where they are triggered and they're going to lean towards
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more autonomy and less closeness than their their partner might
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want or desire. The second area is the ability
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to communicate emotions and needs and understand the needs
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and the emotions of their partner.
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This is something that can be really difficult for the
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avoidant attachment style partner, in large part because
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they have closed off so many of their vulnerable emotions, and
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because they're not always sure of what they're feeling or have
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the ability to put their feelings into words.
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It can be difficult to pick up those needs and those longings
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from their partner. And so they have difficulty
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being able to read their partner, being able to
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understand exactly what their partner might need from them or
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might be expressing without them interpreting it in a way that is
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shaming in a way that makes them feel rejected, or they're
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getting it wrong, or they are they are not good enough for
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their partner. That's how they often filter
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their partner, expressing their wants and needs to them.
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So being able to pick up on that can be difficult not only within
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themselves, but between them and their partner as well.
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The third is the style of responded conflict.
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I I can't state this enough. Avoiding attachment style.
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Individuals hate conflict and they avoid it like a plague.
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Their whole goal in life is to avoid conflict.
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They want smoothness, they want peace.
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They want harmony. Now the way they try to avoid it
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is to remove themself or to shut down and no longer be
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emotionally available to their partner, which ends up actually
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creating more conflict. So their their their go to move
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of being avoidant and and resisting conflict actually in
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some ways creates more conflict for them.
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But I understand why they're they're going to this move
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because it's it's what they have.
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It's the tools available to them in their toolbox when conflict
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starts to arise in the relationship.
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But they to their inner core being they tried to avoid
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conflict as much as possible and often times that is their goal.
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I might add here that that in addition to them emotionally
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removing themselves and yes, being avoidant to conflict,
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shutting their emotions down, intellectualizing as a defensive
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pattern what they also can do. And this this looks a lot this
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way to their anxiously attached partner is they will get angry.
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So when the avoidant attachment person gets pushed or gets too
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overwhelmed by what's happening and there's no way out, then
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often times they feel bad too into a corner and they can
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explode. And so that is their other style
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of responding to conflict is to be very quick to anger to
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explode, and they're doing that because they're trying to end
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the conflict as quickly as possible.
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This is the only other move that they know.
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Either I can remove myself, but if that Ave. is not available to
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me, then I have got to be able to get out of the situation and
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so I will explode. I will be angry, I will say
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hurtful, meaningful things. Anything to get my partner to
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back off and back away, especially from the overwhelming
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words and emotions that are coming at me in that moment and
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to get my partner to stop this conflict.
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So I should mention that they they also have another style
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when pushed to to that breaking point.
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For them the 4th area is the internal expectations or
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internal models of themselves and others in relationship.
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Again, if you've grown up where there was never really a
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responsive person, a responsive adult in your world, when you
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were needing closeness, when you were needing protection, when
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you were needing connection, then that informs how you see
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yourself. And part of their their reliance
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on their autonomy is born out of that situation.
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Well, well, nobody's gonna be there for them.
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So I'm going to deactivate my attachment need.
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I'm going to deactivate my need for connection altogether.
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And I'm going to internalize that to mean that often times
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I'm not worthy of love, Often times I've never.
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I don't know how to love right Because I've never been told I'm
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getting it right and I don't know how to make a person happy
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because the only massive messages that I get sent are the
18:55
ones where I'm getting it wrong. So this informs sort of the the
18:59
template of of what they use in their relationships.
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The 5th and final area of the relationship that this the avoid
19:08
attachment style impacts is the ability for introspection and
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and the ability for insight. Oftentimes the avoid attachment
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person will struggle to be able to look inward, struggle to be
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able to understand what's happening and struggle to be
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able to put words to to the process that had broken down
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between them and their partner. And so their ability for
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introspection gets blocked and and in that block, they often
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times get stuck in the area where they don't know what to
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do, they don't know how to change it because they're not
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able to reflect on their own role in those interactions at
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times. So those are the five different
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areas that the avoidant attachment style impacts in a
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relationship. What I want to do now is let's
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walk through each one of these and let's talk about what the
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avoidant attachment style looks like in each one of these five
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different areas. So in the area of perception and
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closeness. And intimacy, often times the
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emotionally distant and rejecting partner avoids
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closeness. They sort of keep their partner
20:26
at arm's length when they get triggered.
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As I've said, it deactivates their attachment needs, meaning
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it doesn't turn it on and it doesn't turn it into hyperdrive.
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What it actually does is turns it off because there's been
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nobody there that's been able to respond to them.
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So there's no need to be able to reach out for others.
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They've turned that need off. Often times they will fear
20:51
intimacy and and they will see it as a loss of their autonomy.
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They will see too much closeness as a threat to their autonomy,
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to their need to rely upon themselves.
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Not only that, but it's very difficult for the them to depend
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on a partner or allow their partner to depend on them.
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So oftentimes you will see them expressing how their partner
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needs to learn to self soothe better.
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Well, I can soothe myself. That's what you need to do too.
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Yeah, that makes sense to me. From an avoidant attachment
21:28
style, I can see why they say, oh, there's too much emotion
21:31
there. You need to learn how to self
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soothe. Often times what I'll hear the
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avoidant attachment person say is my partner needs hobbies.
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They're relying on me too much to give them everything and be
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everything for them. Boy, they need some friends they
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need, they need some hobbies to be able to go do.
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I've got that stuff. It's healthy for me.
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They need that as well. And again, within the frame of
21:55
attachment, I can perfectly understand why That's their
21:59
attitude towards their partner. What they're not taking into
22:02
account is when their partner feels too much distance in the
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relationship, the anxiously attached style, it actually
22:09
hyperactivates their needs for closeness, something that no
22:13
hobby or no set of friends can give them in the way they need
22:18
from their partner. So they're kind of missing the
22:21
whole goal of an attachment style and the attachment need
22:25
that is as encoded into our DNA as as a human being.
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They're kind of missing that point because they've learned to
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not rely on it. They've learned to Askew that
22:36
need themselves. So the avoid an attachment style
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always keeps the partner a little bit at arm's length.
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They sort of, to use a football metaphor, they they stiff arm
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the partner. If you've ever seen a football
22:50
game where somebody's running towards the touchdown with the
22:53
football and there's another opposing team member trying to
22:58
tackle them, they will put out an arm and they will stiff arm
23:01
that person to keep them at a distance so they can freely run
23:05
into the end zone without being tackled.
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That's a little bit about what it's like to be in a
23:10
relationship with an avoidant attachment person.
23:13
They're always kind of stiff arming the partner, They're
23:16
always kind of keeping them at a distance, all right?
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What is the ability to communicate emotions and needs
23:24
and understand the needs and emotions of their partner?
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Well, to reiterate, it's very difficult at times.
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Communication can often be very intellectual and it can not
23:36
involve expressing emotions. So intellectualizing is a go to
23:42
defensive move for the avoidant attachment style because they're
23:46
trying to solve the problem and give their partner what they
23:51
need without having to activate their attachment needs.
23:55
They've turned that off and so they're wanting to avoid that
23:59
all together. So the only move they've got
24:02
left is I need to be able to think about this, and I need to
24:05
be able to solve the problem from an intellectual standpoint,
24:08
which misses the whole idea of an attachment relationship.
24:13
It is an emotional bond. It is not a problem to be solved
24:18
or it is not an intellectual dilemma to be figured out.
24:22
It is an emotional bond. And so for the avoidant
24:26
attachment style person, they're using their head to try to get
24:30
what they need in a relationship, which is peace and
24:33
harmony and no conflict. But they're not coming online
24:38
with their heart and they're not allowing themselves to reach out
24:43
in times of need to be there emotionally for their partner
24:47
and even show up for themselves emotionally as well.
24:52
A lot of attachment work we do with our couples is we help them
24:57
be able to show up for themselves emotionally when
25:00
we're dealing with avoidant attachment style partners, so
25:03
that they can begin to bring those feelings back into their
25:08
embodied sense of self back online, if you will.
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I don't always like that term because we're not, we're not
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computers and we're not Internet connections.
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But I I understand where it comes from and it makes sense on
25:20
some level. So we we try to bring that back
25:23
into an embodied sense of a part of who they are.
25:27
And once they begin to feel that and process that and they begin
25:31
to not constantly turn off their emotions, then they have the
25:36
ability to be able to understand and read their partner and be
25:40
more emotionally available and responsive to their partner as
25:45
well. So this third style is is
25:48
responding to conflict and avoid an attachment partner.
25:52
As I said before, they they are going to avoid conflict at all
25:55
cost as much as possible. They try to really avoid this so
26:01
they may shut down. They may withdraw emotionally as
26:04
I mentioned before, they may explode in anger if they feel
26:08
overwhelmed. If they can't escape the the
26:12
stress that they're feeling in the moment, then the only other
26:15
option is to push away the partner.
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And I don't mean physically, but to explode in anger, to say
26:23
hurtful things, to sometimes even go for the jugular to to
26:28
say something about their partner's most vulnerable
26:31
emotions or needs. And to criticize that because
26:35
that is what they know will work.
26:38
And so anything often times to get their partner to stop and
26:42
shut down so they can get out of this conflict.
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That is what they're going to do if they're not allowed or able
26:49
to remove themselves from that as well the internal working
26:54
model of self and other this is this comes right out of the
26:58
attachment research. John Bolby, who created the the
27:03
attachment concept, realize that over time we internalize these
27:10
patterns of of interaction with our parents and with our adult
27:17
partners, and we tend to play out these patterns implicitly.
27:22
We don't think that we're doing it.
27:24
We don't know that we're doing. It's just what we do because
27:27
it's what we know to do. And so for the avoid and
27:30
attachment style person, they they prefer autonomy to
27:34
closeness and connection. Their independence is a priority
27:39
and they prioritize that in the relationship.
27:43
And as I said, they dismiss or downplay relationship issues
27:46
often. One of the things I'll hear with
27:48
couples a lot, especially from the avoidant partner, is this
27:52
isn't that big of a deal. Why are we talking about this?
27:56
This isn't that big of a deal. I had a couple the other day
28:01
that got into an argument and actually they resolved it
28:04
successfully because they've been in treatment long enough
28:07
that they're doing a great job. They're really beginning to
28:10
understand their cycle, but the whole thing started and came up
28:16
around a breakfast burrito. And what as we were processing
28:21
this and talking through this, of course we all realized it
28:24
wasn't about the burrito. What it was about was their
28:27
ability to express one partner's hurts the other partner.
28:33
Instead of downplaying that the avoiding partner in this
28:36
particular case was able to step in here, that that their their
28:42
partner was hurting over something that had happened the
28:45
issue with the burrito. And they were able to fix the
28:49
problem, but not just intellectually fix it.
28:52
They were able to step into the situation and be emotionally
28:55
available so that that partner could express their hurt.
28:58
And in a way they were able to be responsive to that.
29:02
And it was actually a beautiful resolution to the problem.
29:06
So within all relationships, there's the rupture and repair
29:11
process, and this particular couple, what we call the burrito
29:14
incident, made a beautiful repair of that.
29:17
So in this particular case, the avoidant attachment partner is
29:21
learning how to be more flexible and be more emotionally
29:26
available instead of downplaying and dismissing and thinking, oh,
29:30
this is just too much, Why are we making a big deal out of
29:33
this? This is drama just for the sake
29:35
of drama, but rather they're able to start to pick up on
29:39
their partners feelings more and being able to attune to those
29:42
much better. And that is a beautiful example
29:46
of 1 partner learning about their particular style and
29:51
learning to create more flexibility from within
29:53
themselves so that they create more security in the
29:58
relationship when they can show up for their partner.
30:02
Finally, the reflective function, and this certainly
30:06
plays a huge role in the avoidant attachment style as
30:09
well, because the attachment start partner who is avoidantly
30:13
attached struggles to reflect on their feelings.
30:16
As I've mentioned many times, they tend to intellectualize the
30:20
events. They tend to downplay them in
30:22
large part because they're trying to avoid a conflict.
30:27
They're trying to avoid any argument that comes out of it.
30:31
They struggle to understand their partner's intentions and
30:34
motivations, so they may filter things merely from a perspective
30:39
of the not getting it wrong. They're not good enough.
30:43
They're not measuring up. These are the kinds of messages
30:47
that they hear from their partner, regardless of what
30:49
their partner might say. Their attachment style is
30:52
filtering those messages as they are not good enough and they
30:56
have trouble tolerating negative emotion and we'll quickly move
31:01
to a protective maneuver, as I've said, like
31:04
intellectualization in order to downplay or dismiss their
31:08
feelings and so being able to reflect on what's happening from
31:12
an emotional standpoint. The emotional cycle that gets
31:16
triggered off so often with couples is, is they have a hard
31:19
time being able to reflect on what might have caused that, the
31:23
trigger that that allowed them to then move into an avoidance
31:27
style and what all that means and looks like and their role in
31:31
that as well. So that is a little bit about
31:35
the avoidant attachment style and it dovetails nicely with the
31:39
last podcast I did on Anxious Attachment Style as well.
31:44
And I really encourage you to go back and listen to the podcast
31:48
Trauma Cycles, because in that podcast I talk about these two
31:53
different styles and how when they are meshed together, create
31:58
these negative cycles that so often come to dominate the
32:02
relationship in the life of the couple.
32:05
And one of the first things we do, and I think what what makes
32:09
this podcast a little bit different, is that we're not
32:12
just talking about trauma from an individual standpoint.
32:15
We're talking about what does it look like?
32:17
How does it live and breathe in the life of a person, in a
32:21
relationship with another person and those trauma cycles when
32:25
they get activated, they create so much pain and so much
32:29
frustration for each partner because they don't know how to
32:33
resolve them. They don't know how to make
32:35
repairs to those ruptures when they occur.
32:38
Thank you for listening. I really appreciate it.
32:41
And please give us feedback. Let us know what you like about
32:44
this podcast. Let us know what you'd like to
32:47
hear more of or something different that I haven't talked
32:50
about yet, about your life and your relationships as it remain,
32:54
may as it may relate to any trauma you've had.
32:58
As always, you can follow us on Facebook, you can follow us on
33:02
Instagram, and you can go to our Web page, which is trauma
33:06
freerelationship.com. Thank you so much for listening
33:10
and we'll be talking to you next time.
33:13
Thank you for listening to Trauma Free Relationship, a
33:16
podcast for the healing of attachment trauma.
33:19
You can find us on Facebook, Instagram.
33:22
Or our website at traumafreerelationship.com.
33:25
Be sure to look for our next episode on your favorite
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